Aftermath
by Skyscraper77
Summary: Takes place right after "Her Negotiation" as Olivia is finally released from the hospital and done giving her official statement. I wish we would have been able to see more about how she acted and felt afterward. TRIGGER WARNING: There will be scene mentions of Olivia and Lewis from Beast's Obsession and Post-Mortem Blues.
1. Chapter 1

**I wrote this because we didn't get much inside info on what happened after 'Her Negotiation' as far as how she was right after. All we know is that she stayed with Brian at his apartment and she wouldn't ever talk about Lewis with him.**

 **Please ignore any typos and bad grammar, I'm not the best but I have proofread this to the best of my abilities.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.**

The ride from the precinct to Brian's apartment was longer than it had ever been. Olivia stared out the window looking at all the people and buildings they passed.

All the brunette could think about was the fact that she was now a victim. A sexual assault victim. Sealview had been bad, but this? It was nothing compared to Harris.

Her thoughts were interrupted as they pulled up in front of Brian's building. She tried to get out of the car as he raced to open her door.

" _Brian, I got it._ " Olivia stated. She knew this would happen. He's going to treat her like she's breakable and fragile.

" _I know, it's just your wrist and I'm worried an-,_ " he said but she cut him off.

" _I know. I'm fine, babe. Really._ " Olivia was fine, according to her. She knew she'd need therapy, she dreaded head shrinking.

They took the elevator to Brian's apartment, usually they'd walk but today neither of them felt like it.

When Olivia walked through the door, she let out a breath that she didn't know she had been holding. Finally a place that she felt safe. She hated hospitals, she hated going to give her statement, and more than anything, she hated that she could never live in her apartment again, not after Lewis.

This was the first safe place she'd been in since she was with Lewis, aside from the prescient and there were just too many people there right now for her liking.

" _I'm sorry I have to go in today, babe._ " Brian stated after they'd shut and locked the door.

Brian hadn't been working for a little over a week now since Olivia had been taken for four days and then had been at the hospital the rest of the time. Now, he was mandated to go back to work without having a choice. If he said no, it'd look bad and hurt his job. After what happened with Brian previously, he didn't need to cause any extra attention to himself.

" _It's fine. I'm fine._ " Those words seemed like the only ones the brunette knew sometimes.

Brian looked at Olivia with sad eyes, " _I don't want to leave you alone_ ".

" _Brian,_ " Olivia started, " _I haven't been alone in over a week… I could use the personal downtime._ " It was true. Between Lewis, the hospital doctors and nurses, Brian, and her co-workers, she hadn't been alone except for going to the restroom.

He knew better than to argue with her, especially right now when she hadn't been in control of herself or her life for the past week. Right now, Olivia needed stability and control.

" _Okay._ " Was all he replied.

She sat on the couch staring absently at the TV, she'd already taken her sling off and sat it on the coffee table. Honestly, she was tired of wearing it, it just seemed to draw more attention to her and the doctor only required her to wear it when out and about or doing tasks anyways. Her wrist was still in the cast, and it'd stay that way for six weeks, or so she was told.

They hadn't said anything else to each other and Brian was in the bedroom getting ready for work.

Olivia didn't know how she was supposed to do this. How could she carry on her relationship after everything that had happened to her? How was she supposed to show Brian her body now that it had marks, bruises, and burns in the shape of her old house keys and cigarettes?

Once he was ready, Brian made his way into the living room. He hated leaving her, he absolutely hated it.

" _Alright, well I'm leaving._ " He told her as he stared at her relaxed form on the couch.

" _Okay,_ " she smiled, looking up at him. " _I hope you have a good shift._ "

Brian just stood there in silence, hesitant to leave.

Olivia got up and walked him to the door. " _I'm fine, I'll be fine._ " She said as she looked at him.

When they got to the door, he leaned in to kiss her goodbye…. And she flinched.

He stopped before his lips touched hers. " _Shit, I'm sorry, Liv._ " Was all he could say.

" _It's okay._ " She whispered as she leaned back and put on a fake smile.

" _I…_ " Brian was at a loss for words.

Olivia hated how her body reacted. She hated how she wanted nothing more than to kiss Brian and put her arms around him but at the same time she was terrified of flashing back. She was full on aware that she now had PTSD worse than ever.

" _Brian,_ " Olivia said with sad, loving eyes, " _go to work_ ".

He knew then that she wanted him to leave. She wasn't being rude and she wasn't mad, but she was a fresh sexual assault victim who needed time to get herself together. " _Okay, I'll be home around 8 am._ " Brian told her. " _If you need anything, anything at all, my phone is on and I will answer every call or text._ " He added.

And with that he was out the door.

Olivia locked the door behind him and put the chain lock on. She put her back up against the door and took a deep breath as tears filled her eyes. She'd be damned if she broke again in front of Brian. This past week it had been constant crying for her. She cried with Lewis, she cried when she was rescued, she cried on and off in the hospital, and even when she was giving her statement of the sexual assault.

She slowly slid down to sit on the floor as the tears slipped down her face.

" _I'm so fucked up."_ She said to herself. Olivia Benson had always known she'd had baggage. With her mother's abuse and being the product of rape, she had enough baggage for a lifetime but adding Lewis to the list broke her.

After a few moments of sitting on the floor, she got up and headed to the couch, turning the TV off because it seemed like everything she watched reminded her of her assault.

She sat in silence giving into her own thoughts. She had lied to everyone.

Olivia gave herself a small laugh. " _I did what I had to in order to subdue him… I made a judgment call._ " She whispered the words to herself that she had told everyone, knowing good and well she beat the shit out of William Lewis. He was cuffed and she completely lost it, and beat him literally half to death.

She was still deep in thought when she heard a knock on the door.

Olivia got up to answer it and as she looked through the peephole she sighed.

" _Why are you here?_ " She asked, slightly annoyed as she opened the door wider for the man to enter the apartment.

" _Nice to see you too._ " Fin replied as he made his way inside the apartment, and got comfortable on one end of the couch.

" _Sorry,_ " Olivia replied. " _I just… I'm tired of being babied._ " She took a deep breath and huffed it out, sitting down at the opposite end of the couch.

" _Brian call you?_ " She asked with suspicious eyes. She didn't need a babysitter, and she definitely didn't want her boyfriend calling her co-workers.

" _Nah, I called him._ "

Now she was really annoyed. " _Fin, if you wanna check up on me, then call me._ "

He stared at her with a calm face.

" _As soon as you get a cellphone, I will._ " He replied lightly, with caring eyes.

Her mouth hung open as she remembered that she no longer had a phone. William Lewis took a lot of things from her, and her iphone had been one of them.

" _Right…._ " She looked down and let out a small laugh, " _sorry._ "

Fin relaxed as he propped his arm on the back of the couch and crossed one leg over the other. He'd already taken in her appearance. She'd been crying, he knew.

" _It's aight,_ " he stated. She shifted on the couch so she could put both legs up under her and get more comfortable.

" _What? Lover boy ain't got cable?_ " he asked with an amused look on his face as she made eye contact.

That made her laugh. Fin always loved giving her shit for the men she dated no matter who it was.

" _He does but I turned it off. Everything seemed to remind me of all that's happened._ " She gave a thoughtful pause then continued, " _Even the cartoons… Scooby-Doo and the detectives solve crimes and Tom and Jerry kept beating the shit out of each other…_ " She laughed because it was sad and true. Cartoons even trigger her right now. Olivia felt like a mess.

" _Hmmm…_ " was his only reply as he stared at her with questioning eyes.

She had known this was coming, she knew he was here to talk. Olivia had been friends with him for years and years now, longer than she was friends with any of the other detectives that she currently worked with. Odafin Tutuola had had her back for a long time.

Olivia ran her hands through her hair nervously, but she knew he meant well and was concerned.

" _We don't have to talk.._ " he started.

" _What do you want to know?_ " she challenged.

Fin was quiet for a moment and looked away, breaking eye contact.

" _The report should have answered any questions you had…_ " she stated, still looking at him pointedly.

"… _I know you read it._ " She boldly stated as he made eye contact again. Olivia wasn't stupid, she knew her captain had access to her case file and report, which means so did the detectives. She didn't know if Amanda or Nick read it and she wasn't sure she even cared at this poing, but she knew for a fact Fin would have read it.

" _I read it._ " He confirmed. " _I just wanna make sure no extra info was left out…_ " he questioned her.

She snorted with a laugh. After all that she had disclosed, all the personal, detailed items that she disclosed in her statement, he thinks she still didn't tell them everything?

" _Fin, I left nothing out._ " She eyed him, now starting to realize what he was trying to ask her.

He stared at her, still questioning her with his eyes.

Her friend took a deep breath, and glanced away before looking her dead in the eyes once more.

" _Olivia, did that son-of-a-bitch rape you?_ " Fin questioned with seriousness and a touch of anger that was directed at not her, but William Lewis.

She was taken aback. Fin had been so blunt and to the point. Brian hadn't even had the balls to ask her, even though she knew he had been thinking it. Unlike everyone else, Brian hadn't read the report. Not like it had been available for him to read anyways, but he would have refused it, protecting her privacy.

The brunette stared at him, her mouth still open with shock.

" _Well?_ " he questioned further.

" _No._ " it came out hoarse at first, so she cleared her throat and tried again with more emphasis and control of her voice, " _NO._ "

Fin held her gaze, like he was trying to decide if she was being honest or not.

" _He did things to me…_ " Olivia started, " _terrible things, Fin._ "

He sat up more straight, she had all his attention. If she wanted to talk, he was damn sure going to listen.

" _He touched me,_ " she replied as he eyes filled with tears from sadness and the shame of disclosing to tell her co-worker and friend. " _Everywhere._ " She continued. " _He poured vodka down my throat every damn day I was with him. He beat me, burned me, kissed me, tied me to a bed…_ " she continued as she placed both feet on the floor and put her elbows on her knees so that she could put her hands in her head and stare at the floor. Her wrist was starting to hurt but it was a pain that she could deal with for now. " _I can't even talk to Brian about it._ " She stated.

" _But he DID NOT rape me_ " she added. Olivia took a deep breath and noted that Fin had now scooted closer to her on the couch. He was sitting beside her but not touching her. Still, she could feel his warmth.

The brunette sat there with her head in her hands as tears escaped her eyes and down her face but she made no sound.

Fin leaned over to put an arm around her shoulder. She heard him moving, knew what he was doing so she didn't flinch. " _Liv, I had to ask… I'm sorry, but I had to._ "

She took a deep breath and leaned back against the couch, Fin's arm still hooked around her shoulder. " _I know…_ " She quietly whispered as she looked back at him. Olivia gave him a small smile, " _…and I love you for it, Odafin. So much._ " She really did. If it had been Amanda instead of her, she knew Fin would have done the same thing and so would she.

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes as her tears slowed to a stop.

Then, Olivia sat up on the edge of the couch and looked at him expectedly.

" _What are you-_ " Fin started as he took his arm back from around her shoulder so she could sit up, but before he could finish his sentence, Olivia had turned to him and pulled the neckline of her shirt down, exposing the tops of her breasts and her bra. There were clear burn marks in the shapes of house keys, and of circles from cigarettes,. The marks were glistening from being covered in ointment to help them heal faster and decrease the risk of infections.

There was nothing sexual about it. She knew they saw each other as brother and sister. He cared for her deeply and she could trust him with her life, and with this.

Fin stared at her chest and swallowed the lump in his throat.

" _Liv…_ " the seasoned detective was at a loss for words and overcome with rage, sympathy, and sadness all at the same time.

After a few more seconds, she put her shirt back and waited for him to speak. Fin had closed his eyes tight, as if seeing her wounds had physically wounded him as well.

When he finally spoke, he had opened his eyes and had a calm tone to his voice. " _I'll kill him… you know that._ " He told her.

" _I know you would._ " She replied. " _But you're not going to. We'll get past this, all of us._ " She told Fin.

Once Olivia had relaxed and leaned back into the couch, he spoke again. " _Anything you need, I'm here. You already know that, I'm just voicing it to remind you._ " Fin looked straight ahead at the blank TV as he put his arm on the back of the couch behind Olivia. " _I know you have Cassidy, but if you need a shoulder, I got two of 'em you can use._ "

On that note as if on cue, Olivia leaned into Fin, placing her head on his shoulder and tucking her hair behind her ear so it wouldn't fall in her face.

Fin let his arm that was on the back of the couch wrap around her should and give it a light squeeze, showing his support.

" _I'm fucked up, Fin. Real bad._ " Olivia told him.

" _I got you, Liv._ " He replied, holding her tighter. " _But there's something I need to tell you, and it might fuck you up a little bit more…_ " he added and her curiosity spiked.

Her head still lay on his shoulder waiting for the blow of whatever it was.

" _Okay?"_ she said in an uncertain voice.

" _He called me._ " Was his reply.

" _What? Ugh, Fin. I told you I thought Brian called you. No need to hide it. Just keep talking about me at a minimum, okay?_ " was Olivia's reply as she rolled her eyes in annoyance.

" _No, Liv. No that 'he'_ " Fin replied in a low voice.

The brunette took a deep breath and Fin could feel it from her body being slumped onto his side.

" _You don't mean…_ " she questioned.

" _Elliot_ " he quickly replied.

She took another huffed breath and muttered a "fuck" as she turned her face into his shoulder, trying to remain calm.

" _He saw the news and freaked out, wanted to know what I could tell him and then he called again once we found you to see how you were._ " Fin told her.

" _What did you tell him?_ " Olivia mumbled into his shoulder so low that he could barely make out what she had said.

" _The first time I told him about Lewis, gave Elliot his MO, told him what we were doing and what we were expecting to happen._ " Fin replied.

" _You expected me to be raped and dead._ " The brunette replied as she turned her face out of his shoulder again to breathe better.

Fin didn't reply, he only hugged her tighter and lifted his hand from her shoulder to run it over her hair gently, then planted a faint kiss on top of her head.

Olivia took that as confirmation. " _What did he say to that, Fin?_ " She questioned.

" _He said he wasn't an active cop anymore but that he could still do the basics. Asked if he could help in any way, assist with anything to help find you faster._ " He replied. " _I told him no, we had everything covered and were going as fast as we could._ "

Fin waited a few beats before adding, " _sounded like he got a choked up towards the end of the call._ "

" _And the second time he called?_ " Olivia asked as her head lay still on his shoulder, not moving but listening to the information he was giving her.

" _He called the day after we found you. Asked if you'd make it, I told him yes. Asked if you'd been raped…_ " Fin was in dangerous territory and he knew it. He knew this was breaking her heart.

He hadn't known she'd been tearing up until she finally let her voice waver as she asked him, " _well,_ " she sniffled, " _what did you say?_ "

Fin took another deep breath, " _I told him if he really wanted to know, he should ask you._ "

" _Fuck, Fin._ " She laughed through her sniffles. " _That was brutal, leaving him wondering if I had been raped repeatedly?_ " Olivia actually found this kind of funny. " _That's almost as bad as what he did to me…_ " she added in a small, more serious voice.

" _Told ya, baby girl. I got your back._ " Fin said again as he hugged her tighter, letting his hand rest on her shoulder again.

" _He asked for your new number. Told him I'd have to clear it with you first._ " He told Olivia.

" _Okay._ " Was the only reply he got. He didn't know if she meant "okay" as in give Elliot her number, or "okay" as in she understood what he had told Elliot.

" _You want me to give it to him?_ " Fin asked.

" _I don't know._ " Olivia honestly replied. She was confused and didn't know what she wanted, aside from wanting none of this to have ever happened and that just wasn't going to come true.

 **Any thoughts?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the reviews, favorites, and follows. Also, I have no idea where this story is headed so my apologies.**

Olivia had decided that she did not want to talk to Elliot on the phone, so she told Fin to give Elliot the address of Brian's apartment, and to tell him if he really wanted to talk to her and inquire about how she was doing, to stop by in person.

She wasn't trying to be a bitch, she just needed to see him in person if he finally wanted to talk. Olivia needed to be able to see his facial expressions, read his eyes, and gauge his reactions.

Fin had been very supportive of her. He even stayed the night with her at Brian's apartment.

As she currently paced the apartment, awaiting Elliot's arrival, she laughed about how her morning had turned out. True to his word, Brian came home around 8 am. He went to his bedroom and looked at her sleeping form under the covers, and decided to climb in the other side of the bed with her. He had done so quietly and easily, not wanting to scare her. Brian knew her assault was still fresh.

Just as he was about to scoot closer to her and attempt to lightly wake her up, the bathroom door had opened and out came Olivia. As soon as she saw the scene before her eyes, she was bursting with laughter.

The laughter woke up the sleeping form. Fin stuck his head out from under the covers and glanced behind him to see what she was laughing at.

At once, Fin was on his feet. " _Hey man!_ " the season detective shouted at Cassidy. " _Look lover boy, I don't know what games you and Liv play in the bedroom but I don't want any part of it!_ "

Olivia had been still consumed with laughter.

" _Man, I thought you were her!_ " Brian said loudly at Fin.

" _Yeah…. Yeah, okay._ " Fin stated, still looking unconvinced.

" _If you two could see the look on your faces!_ " She had told them as she laughed so hard that it brought tears to her eyes. She was actually thankful for this scene, it made her laugh and it made her feel normal for once.

Cassidy had walked Fin to the door, apologizing the whole way, and then thanking him for keeping Olivia company. " _Anytime… But seriously,_ " Fin had told Brian, " _you're not my type._ " Brian rolled his eyes as Fin exited the apartment.

Now, it was late in the afternoon and she was in gray sweatpants and a navy t-shirt. Fin had called Brian's phone to talk to Olivia, he told her he'd given Elliot the message and that Elliot had wanted to see her that afternoon. She told Fin it was fine, and to tell Elliot she'd be expecting him.

Brian had work anyways, so he wouldn't be there. Not like he would have been there if he had been off that day. Brian knew this was between her and Elliot.

Olivia had put a little make up on so she didn't appear as bad as she really was. There was still bruising on her face and body, she had a couple of stitches above her eyebrow on her forehead, and her busted lip looked better but was still busted none the less. She couldn't hide the read marked, healing wounds around her wrists from being tied up and handcuffed, one wrist was in a cast anyways, so she didn't bother.

The brunette was a bundle of nerves but sort of calm all at the same time. She didn't know what to do or expect. She was worried but she wanted to get it over with. She had agreed to meet with Elliot because if the same thing had happened to him, she would want to go see him.

Olivia heard a light knock at the door. It was a hesitant knock, almost as if he was trying to not make loud, startling sounds or movements around her and he wasn't even in the apartment yet. She understood he knew she had been a victim, at least in some way.

She looked through the peephole just to confirm it was him, and it was.

As the brunette unlocked the door and took the chain off the hook, she took a deep breath and put on a small fake smile, opening the door.

" _Hi._ " She said, as she looked into his blue eyes. It'd been a long time since she'd seen him. Forever it seemed.

He was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt with a black leather jacket. Elliot looked the same for the most part, just a little more gray hair and slightly older in the face.

" _Hey._ " He responded, looking her up and down, taking in all her visible injuries.

Elliot winced slightly as he saw the stitches above her eyebrow and bruised cheek.

She moved to the side so he could enter the apartment. The tension in the air was thick.

He walked in the apartment and stood in the living room, waiting for her to close the door and lock it behind them.

Once she was done, she made her way into the living room and told him to have a seat. Elliot opted for a recliner off to the side that was turned towards the couch. She sat in the middle of the couch, her hands clasped together with her elbows on her knees, careful not to hurt her casted wrist, and looked at Elliot.

He sat up straight in the chair, letting his hands rest in his lap. His stare rested on her hands, she guessed he was looking at the wrist without the cast, the one that had the wounds from being restrained.

She cleared her throat to get his attention and draw him out of his daze.

" _I uh…. I'm not sure what to say._ " Elliot honestly told her. As angry as she had been at him for leaving her, refusing her calls and texts, she wasn't angry now. Maybe it was the sexual assault, maybe it was the revelation that she had almost died many times recently, or maybe it was just her maturity taking over but she was calm.

" _Why don't we start with why you're here, Elliot?_ " Olivia responded with a tilt of her head and a small, sad smile.

He licked his lips and let his stare move to a framed photo on the side table by the window sill.

" _So, Cassidy huh?_ " he replied with a questioning look, looking back at her after he was done staring at the photo that Olivia and Brian had taken when they went to the Bahama's together the previous Christmas.

" _You're here because I'm fucking Cassidy again?_ " Olivia asked him as she gave a light chuckle, amused at his attempt to lighten the mood.

Elliot smiled back, noting to himself that she was laughing and that was always a good sign from a sexual assault victim.

" _I know you're not okay after this ordeal, Liv,_ " he started, " _So I'd be stupid to ask you if you were._ " His voice had dropped a few octaves as his tone started to get serious.

" _I'm better than can be expected._ " She responded honestly with a sad smile. They held eye contact until he couldn't stand it anymore and he looked back at the window.

A few moments of silence passed. She got the feeling that this meeting was much more painful for him than it was for her.

She decided to speak before the silence killed them both. " _Elliot,_ " she called to him so he would look at her again, " _he didn't rape me._ " She stated as he finally made eye contact with her again.

Elliot let out a breath that he had apparently been holding in, he leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees as he raked his hands over his face. Her eyebrows shot up in surprise at his change in demeanor.

" _Fuck, Liv_ " was his reply. " _Fin wouldn't tell me…_ " Elliot added. " _It's the only thing that's been in my head since I found out you were taken._ "

Her eyes watered as she realized how much he still cared, and she sat up straight.

He sat up again and looked at her. She was still calm aside from the watery eyes.

" _Fin told me Lewis' MO._ " Elliot told her.

" _Yeah, well he came through on just about all of it except for the rape._ " She tried to joke but it just came out as a sad statement. Olivia saw the question in his eyes and rolled her eyes knowing he needed more info than that, so she pulled the neckline of her shirt down to reveal the tops of her breasts and bra, along with the burns, just as she had done with Fin. It didn't much matter, Elliot had seen her with her shirt off before while they were undercover anyways.

" _Jesus, Liv._ " He stated.

After she thought he'd had enough time to look, she released her collar and shifted her shirt back in place.

Olivia saw anger in his eyes, the same anger that always got him in trouble when they were partners. " _I'll kill him, Liv._ " Elliot told her truthfully.

" _You'll have to get in line…_ " she replied with a snort, thinking of Fin.

A somber silence passed between them before Elliot had the balls to ask his question.

" _What'd he do to you, Liv?_ " he asked as his blue eyes stared her brown ones down. She'd relaxed back into the couch by now.

Olivia bit her bottom lip and looked around the room.

" _You remember Sealview?_ " She questioned. " _Lowell Harris?_ "

If Elliot was surprised at the sudden question of that particular past case, he didn't let it show. " _Yeah, I remember._ " He replied. " _You had a bruise on the side of your face… a lot like the one you have right now._ " Elliot answered, looking at her with knowing eyes.

" _I begged you to tell me what happened in that basement… he rape you?_ " he asked.

" _No._ " she answered with a small, sad smile, " _But he tried to._ "

Elliot figured something along the realm of sexual assault had happened to her. From the way she had acted afterwards and how she had carried herself for a bit until she had gotten back on track.

" _He uh, he also wanted something else from me…._ " She continued. " _He had me cuffed to the door, his pants down, and his penis in my face when Fin arrived to stop it and rescue me._ " She finished.

Olivia heard Elliot curse under his breath.

" _If Fin would have been a minute later…_ " she didn't bother finishing her sentence, she knew Elliot understood what she was saying.

" _Wait, Fin knew?_ " he questioned.

" _Yeah. We kept it out of the paperwork and I saw a therapist regularly for a while._ " Olivia answered.

Elliot wanted to be angry with Fin. Angry that he had covered it up, angry that he hadn't told him, but he was thankful all the same.

" _Why didn't you tell me, Liv?_ " He questioned.

" _I just… I couldn't. It was too hard, too much._ " She replied. " _I didn't want it to change our partnership or the way you looked at me…_ "

" _Sounds like Fin's had your back for a while then._ " He replied. " _Probably better than I ever did…_ " Elliot trailed off as he leaned back into the chair and crossed one leg over the other, letting his left hand rest on his right ankle.

She let her eyes soften as she looked at him. " _Come on, El. You know that's not true._ " Olivia replied. " _We had each other's back for twelve years. Through Gitano, Sonya's death, Calvin, Maureen's breakdown, all of it._ "

She wasn't wrong. They had been close, they'd had each other's back through it all, up until year thirteen.

Elliot didn't know what to say but he was glad he'd came here to see her. He felt like shit and she looked like shit.

" _When Lewis had me,_ " she began and he looked up at her again, interesting and listening to any information that she was willing to share, " _I gave up._ "

" _I had accepted that I was going to be raped, and as he looked for something to cut my clothes off,_ " she continued, " _for the first time in those four days, I was sad. Not scared, but sad._ "

Olivia had Elliot's full attention. She could barely look him in the eyes as she talked, but she managed it.

" _My wrists were handcuffed to an old-fashioned iron bedframe._ " She said, keeping her voice steady. " _I'd been previously pumped with vodka for the previous entire four days, but I was so incredibly sober in that moment…_ "

Elliot's eyes were alert, his face was blank, taking in everything that she was saying. He uncrossed his legs, putting both feet on the floor in an attempt to get more comfortable in his chair.

" _I just gave up._ " She said once more. " _I became passive and accepted my fate, that I was about to be raped._ " She took a deep breath as she began to tear up again.

" _I guess I had a particular facial expression because he asked me what the look on my face was, asked if I was sad and thinking about someone I would never see again._ " She continued. " _He asked if it was my mother,_ " she gave a small, sad laugh, " _I had to fight the urge to roll my eyes. I was about to be exactly like my mother._ "

" _Liv…_ " Elliot said in a dangerously low tone. She didn't know if he was trying to comfort her, stop her, or encourage her to continue but she kept speaking.

" _He continued, asking me if it was my dad or boyfriend but I just stared at the wall._ " She stated. " _I guess my looks gave it away because he concluded that it was none of the above._ "

"… _said he knew it was someone I would give anything to see one more time."_ Olivia said.

A few beats of silence passed between them. She was thankful for it. It gave her time to collect her emotions, she was trying to pace herself, make sure she didn't break into tears.

Finally, Elliot spoke first. " _Me._ " He said.

" _Yep._ " Was her reply. It was a small whisper but he heard it non-the less.

" _Why?_ " Elliot asked her without missing a beat.

" _I think,_ " she started, " _I think it was because we had been so close. You were my best friend for twelve years, Elliot. I didn't have closure after you left me._ " She continued. " _We left so many things unfinished…unsaid._ " She told him in a small voice.

He stared at the carpet, letting his hand rub over his face again. " _I'm sorry, Olivia._ " He said. " _I'm sorry._ "

" _I hope so,_ " she said with another gentle laugh, hoping to lighten the mood. " _You were the only constant thing in my life and then you left without a word… I could have accepted you going, all I needed was a goodbye._ "

" _I'm an ass._ " He told her as he looked back up at her, into her eyes.

" _Oh, I know._ " She said with the ghost of a smile tugging at her lips. The looked to her side and stared at the window as she became more serious with her next words. " _I loved you._ " She told Elliot, " _I was in love with you._ " She said as she looked back at him.

He wanted to be surprised. He wished more than anything that he could have acted surprised and taken aback, that he could even tell her he was confused, and didn't know what she was talking about. But he knew. He'd known for the last few years of their partnership.

What was even worse is that she had known he knew. It had never been spoken between them though. This was the first time she'd ever said it out loud.

He glanced away before looking back at her, and they locked eyes again. He took a deep breath, chewing on his top lip.

" _I know…_ " he said stating the obvious and she gave him a tiny smile

" _And you know I loved you back, Liv._ " He told her, and this was the first time he'd ever admitted it to her even though she had had her suspicions. She tilted her head as she listened to him.

" _I wouldn't have acted on it, El._ " Olivia told him. " _You know me, I'm not a homewrecker. I'd never do that to you or Kathy, especially the kids._ "

" _I would have._ " He confirmed. " _I would have acted on it, it was just a matter of time._ "

She looked at him in surprise as her eyebrows shot up. She wanted to argue, tell him that he was a good Catholic man, and he would have never cheated on Kathy, but she just huffed and looked away. Olivia could handle talking about Lewis right now, but talking about this? It made her want to cry.

" _Anyways,_ " she continued, hoping to get back on topic. " _Lewis… He…_ " she took a deep breath and so did he, knowing she was going to give up some more information about what had happened to her.

" _He touched me everywhere, took me to the bathroom, even pulled my pants down for me to pee…_ " she said with a hint of shame. Elliot sat in silence, willing her to continue.

" _He kissed me repeatedly throughout all four days, he burned me, he shoved my gun in my mouth… He made me beg for my life, promise him that I'd do anything to live._ " She continued. " _I was in the trunk of a car half the time, the other half I was in the back seat on the floor._ "

Olivia just wanted to go ahead and tell him the majority of it, get it over with. Elliot didn't have access to the case file or report. She knew she could get him a copy if she wanted, but that was the last thing she wanted.

" _He raped a woman in front on me, made me watch. It lasted… hours…._ " She told him.

" _Fuck… I… I just_ " he started. " _I wish I could fix it. I wish I could make it all go away, Liv._ " Elliot told her with loving eyes.

" _I know…_ " She stated. " _Me too._ " Olivia agreed.

" _Anyways,_ " she said again, taking a deep breath, figuring she might as well tell him the ending, " _I broke the bar off of the bed that I was cuffed to, I beat him unconscious with it, and I cuffed him to the bed…_ " she continued. " _And.. and I waited about two hours before I called in for backup._ " Olivia finished.

This caught Elliot's attention. He looked up at her with alert eyes and hesitation.

" _Olivia?_ " He questioned. Did she really do what he thought she was saying she did?

" _I beat him with the bar… while he was cuffed… then lied about it when I have my statement._ " She pieced together the puzzle for him.

" _Shit, Liv._ " Elliot said.

" _I know._ " She replied.

" _If you get called to testify…_ " He started.

" _I'll have to perjure myself and lie under oath._ " She finished for him as she stared at the ground between her feet.

" _Who else knows about this?_ " Elliot questioned her.

" _No one._ " She replied in a small voice.

Another moment of silence passed between them.

" _Why didn't you just kill him?_ " he asked her.

Olivia looked up and met his eyes, " _I thought I had._ " She answered honestly.

 **Any thoughts? Reviews? Suggestions?**


	3. Chapter 3

**The conversation is continuing but I've added some details that didn't actually happen to Olivia when she was with Lewis, it just made for better drama and suspense…**

They had been sitting in another bout of silence for what seemed like a while with Elliot staring out the window and Olivia staring at him. She had surprised herself at how open she was to this meeting. After years of anger and resentment towards Elliot, she felt eerily calm now.

" _Flashbacks?_ " he questioned her, turning his head from the window back in her direction.

She took note of how he was making sure to treat her like everything but a victim, and for this she was grateful.

" _Not yet,_ " she replied with a soft voice and a light smile. "But I know they're coming."

She had pulled her legs up under herself on the couch now in an attempt to get more comfortable. The time seemed to tick by so slowly, but she didn't mind. Who knew if she'd ever see him again after this?

" _How's Cassidy?_ " Elliot asked.

The brunette's eyebrows shot up in surprise as her lips turned into a lopsided smile. " _You've never cared about Brian's well-being before?_ " she questioned.

He let out a small chuckle before he corrected her, " _No…_ " he replied. " _I mean how is he with you?_ " Elliot questioned. " _With everything that's happened and all?_ " he added, looking concerned.

Her heart started to swell at the realization that Elliot was trying to make sure Brian was doing right by her as far as her assault went.

" _Honestly?_ " Olivia asked, staring at him with a small, sad look. " _You know he was never good with victims…. It's why he left our unit in the first place, he couldn't handle it._ " It was true. Special Victims had proved to be too much for Brian Cassidy back in the day, which he why he transferred to narcotics and an undercover unit.

Elliot leaned forward, clasping his hands together and putting his elbows on top of his knees, staring at the floor once more and not saying anything.

" _He uh, he tried to kiss me goodbye last night when he headed out for work…_ " Olivia told him. This caught Elliot's attention. He looked at her in question noting she had said "tried to".

Olivia gave a small laugh, or tried to but it came out as a strangled sob as her eyes filled with water for the third time during this conversation, and she wondered if she would be able to make it through without crying.

" _I flinched… pulled away._ " She told him as she crossed her casted wrist over her midsection to prop up her other arm, chewing on her fingernail out of a nervous habit. He could tell shame was taking over for her. " _He didn't mean to, it was just routine for us._ "

He shook his head, " _Hey,_ " Elliot said to get her attention, " _you know these things take time. You're a… you're…_ " Jesus he couldn't bring himself to say it, so she said it for him.

" _Victim._ "

" _Liv..._ "

" _What?_ " She stated, as she laughed darkly, " _I am…. I'm a… victim"_ she said in a whisper as the tear made its way down her face. " _A sexual assault victim._ " She replied, while she was looking back out the window. Guess she wouldn't make it through this conversation without crying after all.

He took a deep breath and stood up slowly. She looked at him with questioning eyes, wondering if this was his cue, his way of telling her he was ready to leave. However, he slowly walked over to her form on the couch. " _Can I sit beside you?_ " he asked, testing the waters.

She looked up at him. " _Of course,_ " Olivia replied, wiping her face of the tears and scooting over so they could both sit in the middle of the couch.

Elliot sat down, careful not to touch her. He propped both legs up on the coffee table and crossed them, then tugged at his leather jacket to get it in a comfortable position between his back and the couch. The retired detective clasped his hands together in his lap.

Olivia's silent tears continued to flow as she leaned forward to grab tissues out of the box on the coffee table. She almost wanted to feel embarrassed but she couldn't. Because it was Elliot.

" _I'm so fucked up, El._ " She told him, a lot similar to the way she'd told Fin the previous night. " _My head is fucked up… my body is fucked up._ "

" _It'll heal, Liv._ " He said, giving her a reassuring nod. " _You'll heal._ "

Her body was turned to her right, towards his. Elliot almost wanted to hug her, more than anything, he wanted to take her pain away.

" _Maybe… but the scars… they'll be there._ " She told him. Her tears had slowed to a stop and now she just had a stuffy nose and red eyes. " _Reminders… of all that he did… and all that he never wanted me to forget._ "

" _Battle wounds._ " He stated. " _And you put up one hell of a fight._ " He said, looking at her.

Elliot took a deep breath. " _This is a process. You know that better than anyone…_ " he told her.

" _Yeah._ "

He decided to pull his feet off the coffee table and place them on the floor, sitting up straighter.

" _Cassidy… he hasn't done or said anything stupid, right?_ " Elliot inquired, glancing at Olivia, trying to catch her eyes. " _About the burns… on your breasts? Or marks on your body?_ " He questioned her, wanting to make sure her boyfriend wasn't handling the situation wrong and giving into Olivia's doubts about herself.

Elliot tried to recall what he could remember about Brian from the old days working with him, but not much was coming to mind.

" _He hasn't seen them._ " Olivia answered him in a small voice, looking away. " _I'm not even sure he knows about them yet._ " She told him.

Elliot looked at her in surprise. When she turned her head to the right to look at him again, he asked who all she'd shown her burn marks to.

" _Aside from the crime photographer, you… and Fin._ " Olivia answered honestly.

He'd been gone for so long. He couldn't understand how she had opened herself up to him like that, and yet she couldn't even do that with the man she was dating.

" _Don't shut him out, Liv._ " Elliot told her, shaking his head. " _Don't do that. You did it with me on Sealview and… and it sucks._ " He explained.

" _That was different, Elliot._ " She stated, her eyebrows scrunched together, confused at how he could compare the two.

" _Nah,_ " he told her. " _Different degree of trauma in the situation but same Olivia Benson._ "

" _I wasn't fucking you._ " Olivia said, stating the difference bluntly. He raised his eyebrows at the bluntness of her statement and his lips twisted into a small, comical smile. She rolled her eyes in response. " _Well, I wasn't… we weren't…_ " She stated, huffing as she tried to word the sentence correctly to get her point across. " _and I didn't have marks on my body. Sealview wasn't nearly as psychologically torturing as this. Not by a long shot._ "

He sat and listened, slightly amused in her attempt to phrase her words correctly. Elliot made sure to catch her eyes to let her know he was listening.

" _With Brian,_ " she started, " _He liked me. He's always enjoyed my body…_ " she ended with a small whisper, looking up at the ceiling and wondering if she should continue. " _Sex has been one of the strongest aspects of our relationship… and I don't know if I'll honestly be able to have sex again… Not after this._ " She finished.

He took a deep breath, listening to her words and realizing just how much psychological damage William Lewis had indeed inflicted on her.

" _Don't let him do that._ " Elliot told her, looking around the room and back at her.

" _What?_ " she questioned.

" _Don't let this Lewis guy take away sex from you…_ " He answered as he took his left arm and propped it on the couch behind her shoulders, still careful not to come into contact with her.

It didn't much matter through. As soon as Olivia saw his arm perched behind her, she shifted her body more towards him so that now her left leg was dangling off the couch, her right leg was still underneath her, and she laid her head down, resting it on top of his arm.

Olivia sat there, staring into his eyes as the coolness of his leather jacket soaked into her face.

That's when he saw the bit marks across her hairline and on her left shoulder. She'd almost forgotten they were there until she noticed Elliot's stare.

Elliot chewed on his bottom lip, contemplating if he should bring them up. His curiosity won.

" _Bite marks?_ " he stated in question. Olivia took a deep breath before answering.

" _Yeah… they're bite marks._ " She told him.

" _You got any more on you?_ " Elliot questioned. He knew if she didn't want to answer, she wouldn't but he could tell by the look in her eyes that she had more.

" _Where?_ " He asked.

" _El… you don't need this in your head. I've given you enough bad visions already…_ " She told him lightly.

He waited a beat before he continued his calm line of questioning.

" _Where are they, Olivia?_ " he asked in a low whisper, turning his head to the left and looking directly at her.

She took another breath and answered, " _my stomach, behind my knees…._ " Her eyes glazed over, as if she was recalling the memory of how she got each mark. " _Around my nipples… and between my legs, inside my inner thigh…_ " she told him with her voice so low, that he could barely hear it.

" _Son-of-a-bitch_ " Olivia heard him murmur beneath his breath. She felt his muscles tense up under her head, she knew he was clinching his fists. His eyes were flamed with anger but they also were shining bright with tears. He couldn't stand it anymore so he looked away, to his right, outside the window. " _I am going to kill him, Olivia._ " Elliot stated for the second time during this conversation.

She sat up, putting her hand on his knee. Elliot retracted his arm from the back of the couch.

" _You and everyone else on the entire police task force…_ " she said with a light smile as he turned to look back at her.

That sat in silence for a brief moment before he glanced at his watch and looked back at her. His tears were gone and his face more relaxed. " _I need to head out._ " Elliot told her. " _I've got to pick up Eli._ "

Olivia's eyes shone bright at the mention of the little boy's name but she didn't dare ask about him.

She shook her head, showing she understood and got up to walk him to the door.

As they walked to the door, she noting how she felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

When Elliot reached the door he stopped, turned around, and let his back lean against the door instead of opening it. She took this as meaning he had something he needed to say.

" _I meant it._ " He told her. " _What I said earlier about… loving you back._ "

She looked at him, curious as to where this was leading. He put his hands in his jeans pockets, not necessarily nervous but more so burdened.

" _I know it's hard to believe it because I left and all..._ " he continued. " _I just… I don't want you to ever question if your feelings were reciprocated._ "

Olivia continued to look at him as he talked, taking in what he was saying.

" _I knew you had feelings, I knew they were strong…_ " Elliot told her. " _So were mine._ " He looked into her eyes, almost terrified of her reaction. " _I just didn't know how strong they were until Gitano…_ "

" _Fuck, El._ " Olivia replied and he looked down at the ground. She hadn't thought about the Gitano case in a while, it was one of their worst.

" _Then you left for months to go undercover. I thought the distance would do us good and we'd be okay when you came back…_ "

Elliot took a deep breath and looked back up. " _Anyways, when Jenna happened, I knew it was a serious problem…. I was fucked up. I'd killed a kid, Liv._ "

" _Elliot…_ " She was taken aback. He'd never been open about his feelings like this before.

" _I wouldn't let Kathy in, I wouldn't talk about it with her…_ " Elliot told her. " _The one woman I wanted… wasn't my wife._ " He said and her breath hitched. " _I had to try and fix it, to save my marriage…_ "

Elliot was more so rambling now. " _I mean I'm catholic for crying out loud, I was raised to do better… be a better man._ "

Olivia kept her distance, she could almost feel the waves of guilt rolling off of him.

" _Elliot, you don't owe me an explanation for wanting to save your marriage._ " She told him. " _You coming here and talking to me… like this?_ " Olivia stated, " _Especially after the shit I just went through? …is more that I could have ever asked for._ "

" _And you are a good man._ " She replied. " _You never stepped out on Kathy, and you know damn well I wouldn't have let you. You know that._ " Olivia told him forcefully willing her voice not to break as her eyes watered for what seemed like the billionth time this afternoon. This whole ordeal with Lewis had her emotions all over the place and she absolutely hated it.

They both let the silence fill the air as they took in what had been said.

Elliot leaned off the door and stood momentarily before turning to open it.

" _El?_ " she called.

When he turned around to face her, she slowly walked up to him and pulled him into a hug. Olivia put her arms around his neck, being careful of her cast, and he put his around her waist.

" _Even if you had never left…_ " She whispered to him, " _Lewis would have still gotten to me. I'd still be the way I am right now._ " She told him, as if she had been able to read his mind.

He pulled back a little, just enough to look at her face and judge her facial expression.

" _When you finally get a phone…_ " He told her, " _I have the same number._ " They pulled out of the hug. " _If you call or text, I'll respond this time. I promise._ " Elliot told her with a small smile. And with that he was out the door.

Olivia locked the door behind him and took a deep breath.


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm not really following the time line correctly anymore. This chapter is M.**

It had been three months since Olivia talked with Elliot face to face. When she'd finally gotten a new phone, she sent him a simple text to let him know the number he could reach her at. After that, they hadn't talked much except for him checking on her well-being a few times through text messages.

Her cast had been off for a few weeks now. She was enjoying having the freedom of moving her wrist around again.

Olivia had also gotten a new apartment. It was impossible to live in her old one with everything that had happened there with Lewis. She liked her new place. It was more like 'home' to her now. The new apartment had two bedrooms, a private bathroom in the master bedroom and a guest bathroom in the hallway.

The brunette detective had been trying incredibly hard to get past her ordeal with Lewis. She was going to therapy, she'd even been released to go back to work.

Everything had taken a toll on her. Sex had been hard. It was one of the hardest things for her to overcome, and it was also at the end of her priorities, which is why it had taken her three months before addressing it.

Olivia had told Brian about the burns and bites. It had almost killed him. When he found out, he broke into tears, and surprisingly enough, she did not. They had sat on his couch together as she put her arms around him, promising him that she would be okay, and that there was nothing he could have done to stop it. Chances are, if Brian had come over instead of taking a double shift that night that Lewis had her, he'd probably be dead. Lewis would've raped her in front of Brian then killed Brian in front of her. Looking back, she was grateful he had taken the double.

Now, she was trying her best with Brian, but it just wasn't working. Olivia had fixed a nice dinner at her apartment for her and Brian to have their date night. She was ready, nervous but ready.

After they had eaten, they'd retired to the couch where they were watching a movie on Olivia's new flat screen TV. They were both barefoot, she was wearing her dressy shirt and slacks from work, while he was in jeans and a shirt.

She was cuddled into Brian's side with his arms around her as they had their feet propped up on the coffee table. The brunette looked at him and the minute he'd turned to meet her gaze, she'd locked lips with him.

Their make-out session was long and hot. She was trying to get him worked up on purpose. Brian had his hand on the back of her head, weaving his fingers in her hair. Olivia slid her hand up his thigh and over his manhood, rubbing it, willing it to get hard.

He grabbed her wrist to stop her and pulled back from her face.

" _Hey,_ " Brian told her, " _we don't have to…_ "

" _It's alright,_ " she answered in a whisper, trying to sound seductive. " _I want to._ "

Olivia smiled, stood up and took his hand to lead him to her bedroom. Brian looked nervous and unsure, but he went with her nevertheless.

Once in the bedroom, Olivia sat down on the bed, took a deep breath and pulled her shirt over her head. Her burns were almost completely healed and were more so scars now. The bite marks were long gone, aside from one by her nipple and one on her inner thigh that had left a couple of tiny scars. No one would be able to tell that the scars were from bite marks unless she told them.

She looked at Brian, trying to gauge his reaction. Was it disgust, fear, sympathy, or a combination of all three?

" _Jesus, Liv…_ " he told her as he saw her chest.

This was going to be hard for her, but it was going to be hard for him as well.

Olivia was the first to rid herself of all clothing. When she saw Brian was still standing in the same spot staring at her, she walked over to him and began taking his clothes off as well.

She walked him backwards to the bed, willing herself to be on top of him once the back of his knees hit the back of the mattress and he fell back.

He scooted backwards to where his whole body was now on the bed and she crawled up to where her naked form was on top of him. She noted that she could feel he was hard but not completely.

Olivia leaned down to kiss him, trying to seduce him the best she could. She was getting worked up, she had finally gained confidence in her body even though it didn't look like it had before.

The brunette pulled back from the kiss and grabbed his penis. She was massaging it with her hands, trying to get him as hard as possible. She could tell he was enjoying her touch but his stare was also focused on her chest. Olivia wished he was staring at her breasts to ogle them but she knew he was looking at the burn scars.

Once she deemed that he was hard enough, she sat up on her knees and slipped him inside of her.

" _Mmmm…_ " she moaned with her eyes closed and smiled. She'd missed this. The seasoned detective loved sex, she enjoyed it and it was a great stress reliever for when she needed one.

She began rocking back and forth slowly as her hands came to rest on his chest so she could keep her balance steady. Olivia's breasts were slowly rocking side to side as well. She threw her head back and let out another moan as she could feel herself getting wetter.

As she was rocking, she noticed Brian's lack of participation aside from his semi-hard penis. When she looked back down at him, his eyes were still tracing every mark on her chest, the bite scar and the burn scars.

Olivia stilled herself from rocking and grabbed his hands, seeming to snap him out of a daze.

" _Brian…_ " She called to him. When she got no answer, she continued, " _Babe, you gotta participate with me here…_ " Olivia told him.

" _Yeah, sorry, Liv._ " Brian replied. " _Sorry._ "

He was still looking at her chest. Since she was still holding his hands, she lifted them to her chest, making him touch her. She did it in such a fluid motion that it caught him off guard. As soon as Brian felt the scars underneath the pads of his hands, he jerked back, as if he had just been burned. How ironic.

Olivia rested her hands on her thighs and her eyebrows shot up in a surprised expression.

" _What the hell was that about?_ " She squinted her eyes at him in question.

" _I can't…_ " he tried to explain, " _I just don't…_ " Brian continued, or tried to anyways.

It was then that she felt his penis go soft inside her.

" _Oh…_ " was all she was able to manage.

" _Liv…_ " he said in a warning tone, praying that she wasn't about to take this the wrong way.

Olivia got up and walked to the bathroom to grab her robe. Once she had tied it and made sure everything was covered, she walked into the bedroom to find Brian sitting on the side of the bed with his boxers on.

" _You know…_ " she said in a sad voice, " _maybe this wasn't a good idea._ "

" _It's not you…_ " he told her. " _You gotta know that._ "

" _Sure_ " she answered quietly. Olivia was propped up against the wall outside of her private bath.

A long moment of silence passed between them. Brian was trying to figure out what to say. He had a habit of sticking his foot in his mouth and he wanted to make sure this wasn't one of those moments.

" _Maybe you should leave._ " Olivia finally stated.

" _I don't wanna do that._ " Brian told her. " _I wanna talk about what just happened._ "

She gave a small, fake laugh. " _We both know what happened._ " She stated. " _You saw what Lewis did to my body, and you couldn't get it up._ " She took a deep breath. In the back of her mind she had known this was possible. She knew it could happen but she had always told herself that it was the victim part of her expecting the worse, expecting rejection.

" _It's not like that._ " He stated.

" _Then why don't you tell me what it's like, Brian?_ " She challenged him, trying to keep herself from getting angry.

" _I'm not turned off by your body, the marks…_ " He said.

" _Okay then, what's the problem?_ " She asked.

" _I see them,_ " He said, referring to the burns and bite, " _I see what he did to you and I can't get it out of my head._ " She was trying to understand where he was coming from. She really was.

" _I can't help but think about what you went through, how you must have acted, reacted… All the pain and torture._ " Brian wasn't the best at handling these situations, she knew that for a fact.

" _You won't talk to me about it…_ " He stated and Olivia rolled her eyes. " _I don't want to talk to you about it._ " She told him. " _You've already got all this stuff in your head, Brian._ " Olivia responded.

" _If I put any more ideas or visions in your head, you won't be able to handle it._ " She stated.

" _This is about protecting me?_ " He looked up to meet her eyes in question.

Olivia huffed and looked away. What did he think? He already was having problems 'performing' with her in bed, he was already at his breaking point.

" _Because I'm pretty sure you'll talk to anyone about it but me…_ " he told her.

" _Yeah, okay._ " She said sarcastically, full on annoyed now, realizing this would probably turn into an argument.

" _I'm serious._ " Brian said. " _You'll talk to Fin._ " Olivia made a mental note to kick Fin's ass for rating her out the next time she saw him. She hadn't spoken to Fin a lot about what happened, but definitely more than she had with Brian.

" _You talk to Stabler about it?_ " he questioned her.

Olivia raised an eyebrow as she shot her eyes back to his. " _This is starting to sound an awful lot like an interrogation…_ " she told him.

" _So, I'll take that as a yes._ " He responded and she rolled her eyes once more in annoyance. " _You and him were pretty close, huh?_ " Brian shot at her.

" _Wow._ " She stated, her eyebrows shooting up in surprise again with a small, cynical grin on her face. " _Do I hear a touch of jealousy?_ "

Brian was aware there had always been chemistry between Olivia and Elliot. He wasn't aware of any feelings between them, but he knew they'd been close, very close. Brian also knew that when Elliot left, it had broken Olivia, but he couldn't blame Elliot. He might would have left too if he'd shot a kid the same age as one of his own children.

" _I just want you to trust me._ " Brian told her.

" _And I want you to understand that I can't talk about some of the things that happened. Trusting you is not my issue._ " Olivia told him.

" _It's just not going to happen, at least not right now._ " She continued. " _And I'd like to say I'm sorry about that, but I'm not going to apologize for not wanting to talk about my… my sexual assault._ " Olivia stuttered.

" _I don't have to talk about it._ " She continued. " _That's my right as a… as a victim._ " She closed her eyes, leaning her head back against the wall behind her. There's nothing she hated more than verbally admitting to herself and other people that she was a sexual assault victim but she was trying to get Brian to see her point.

" _I think you should go._ " Olivia told him in a quiet voice.

" _Agreed._ " He said.

Brian stood up and began putting the rest of his clothing on. Once he was ready, Olivia walked him to the door and let him out. Neither one bothered with a goodnight kiss or a verbal goodbye.

Olivia knew this would be hard on Brian, but she had expected more from him for some reason.

She walked in the kitchen, still in her robe, and fetched herself a wine glass. Taking out one of her favorite bottles of wine, she popped the cork out with the opener and began to pour. As she sat on the couch drinking, she thought about herself and Brian. The brunette concluded that as much as she loved him, she wasn't in love with him, and this relationship would never last.


	5. Chapter 5

**It's short but it'll have to do for right now. School is getting rather busy with midterms.**

Olivia's day had finally begun to wind down. She'd broken up with Brian about a two months ago, after their failed attempt at sex. In the end, they both decided it was for the best. They'd put all they could into that relationship, and it was time for it to come to an end.

Olivia had too much on her mind. This time next week, she'd be lying in front of a jury.

Barba had known from the moment he looked at her that she'd lied. He'd given her a copy of the transcript from her statement and told her to memorize it so she wouldn't stray from what she'd said.

She felt inadequate, like she wasn't a good cop anymore.

Her coffee table was covered in her statement transcripts, her flat screen TV was currently set on a lifetime movie that was on mute, and she had just finished off a bottle of wine. Olivia was having trouble reading her transcripts. It was hard. She didn't like having to re-live it all. Earlier in the night when she first started reading them, she'd been triggered. It was a small flashback, but a flashback none the less. That's when she had decided to retrieve the wine.

As she filled her glass with red wine from her freshly opened second bottle, there was a knock on the door.

The brunette glanced at her watch, wondering who would be showing up at her apartment around eleven o'clock at night. She sat her wine glass on the coffee table and went to check the door. As she stood, she wobbled slightly on her feet. Olivia knew it was from a mixture of standing up so quickly and the alcohol. She closed her eyes and steadied herself on the arm of the couch before taking a deep breath and continuing her journey to the door.

The seasoned detective looked through her peep hole and saw Rafael Barba staring back at her.

" _Oh great,_ " she muttered under her breath and began unlatching the locks on her door.

She opened the door, fighting the urge to roll her eyes.

" _Counselor, to what do I owe the pleasure?_ " Olivia asked. Barba didn't even hide his eye roll as he bypassed her form and entered her living room.

She followed him, stopping to prop herself against the wall and waited patiently for him to announce why he'd come to her home at this hour.

Barba noticed the empty wine bottle on the coffee table and noted the newly opened one.

He turned back to look at her in question, " _You leaning against the wall because you're tired or because you need help with your balance?_ " He cocked one eyebrow up.

Olivia was definitely openly rolling her eyes now. She pushed herself off the wall and walked straight to the couch without swaying at all.

" _What do you want, Barba?_ " She asked him, while making eye contact.

The brunette could feel a headache coming on, not from the wine, but from studying the transcripts. She sat up with her elbows on her knees and put her head in her hands, rubbing her forehead.

" _You drunk, Liv?_ " He looked at her, questioning her in a low voice.

She took a deep breath. " _No, not yet._ " Olivia replied. " _Why are you here?_ "

He let a long, silent pause come between them.

" _They want to make a deal…_ " he told her.

" _What?_ " She questioned. Olivia thought there must be some kind of mistake. Something had to be wrong. William Lewis did not make deals. He'd never back down from this.

" _That's not possible…_ " She stated slowly. " _He wouldn't do that._ "

Barba knew she wasn't going to like what he said next. This was bad, it was real bad.

" _Liv…_ " The attorney stated.

" _What's the deal?_ " the brunette questioned.

Something was wrong. She knew it. The ADA couldn't bring himself to look her in the eye.

" _Barba, tell me what the deal is…._ " Olivia tried again.

He walked around the to the front of the coffee table and started pacing back and forth.

" _He says he'll plead guilty to all charges and you won't have to testify…_ " Barba told her.

" _But?_ " The seasoned detective had worked crimes long enough to know there was a catch.

He caught her eyes, " _But he wants to bump up the charge to rape_ ".

" _What?!_ " Olivia said loudly as she stood up more quickly than she should because she lost her balance once more, except this time she went crashing down to the floor.

" _Hey!_ " Barba shouted as he moved to catch her just before she hit the carpet.

" _No!_ " Olivia stated firmly as she vigorously shook her head from side to side, instant tears pooling in her eyes.

" _I've got you, Liv,_ " He told her as he caught her by grabbing her waste. Unfortunately, he was at the perfect angle to accidentally peer down her shirt and catch site of the marks on the top of her breasts.

As they slowly sank down to her floor, his stare only lasted a second, maybe two, but it was long enough for her to catch onto what he was looking at. Olivia peered up at his face. Barba looked away as soon as he realized what he had been doing.

" _Liv,_ " He stated, " _Shit, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. That was inappropriate. Fuck, I'm sorry._ " Word vomit slowly erupted from his mouth as he released his grip around her waist, pushed himself until his back was propped up against the couch, and closed his eyes while his head hung low. Barba had pulled his knees up in front of him.

Olivia wiped her eyes, sobering up rather quickly.

" _I'm sorry. I'm so sorry._ " He told her again, while his hands rested on top of his knees.

She looked at him in shock, she was more so shocked for him. He wasn't used to dealing with victims, never the less someone he knew who had become a victim.

Olivia scooted to sit beside him in the same position.

" _It's okay._ " She stated quietly.

" _No, no it's not._ " He looked at her. " _It's not okay. I am so sorry I just violated you like that, Liv._ " Barba stated, turning his head away again.

" _Hey,_ " she called to him to make him look at her again. " _You're not some perverted sleaze from off the streets, Barba._ " Olivia said. " _It was an accident, it's fine._ "

He stayed quiet, like he didn't believe her. Barba huffed and looked away again.

" _Fin's seen them, he's actually seen more than what you just saw._ " Barba looked back at her with a cocked eyebrow. She snorted and elbowed him lightly because she knew her love for Fin was that of a brother.

" _If you would have asked, I would have shown you too. It's not a big deal, I'm okay_." The brunette stated once again.

" _He wants to plead guilty to raping, Liv._ " Barba told her, shaking his head. " _He is willing to spend most if not the rest of his life in jail._ " He looked at her pointedly.

" _Olivia?_ " He questioned.

Her face slightly fell and her eyes darkened, realizing where Barba was taking the conversation.

" _He did not rape me._ " She told him forcefully.

" _Liv?_ " Barba questioned again, his eyes pleading with her to tell him the truth.

Once again, her eyes rolled and she leaned her head back to rest it on the couch.

" _He didn't…_ " the brunette stated. " _I swear to God he didn't rape me._ "

" _Okay… Okay._ " Barba took a deep breath that sounded an awful lot like a sigh of relief.

" _He wants everyone to think he raped me._ " She told him. " _He's trying to shame me as much as possible, cause me the most pain._ "

She couldn't believe this. The one thing that William Lewis did not do to her, he was claiming he did. He was trying to make her suffer.

" _He didn't have the balls to rape me, Barba._ " She turned to the ADA, staring him down, almost daring him to challenge her again.

" _I believe you, Liv._ " He told her. " _So, you want me to turn it down? No deal?_ "

" _No. Fucking. Deal._ " She stated, looking straight ahead.

" _Okay._ " Barba reaches past her to the coffee table, grabbing what had been her freshly poured glass of wine and downed it in one swallow.

Then he pours himself another glass instantly offering it to her first. When she declines, he downs that glass too.

" _I would hire someone to kill him._ " Barba states out of the blue. " _I wouldn't be able to actually kill him myself, but I'd definitely hire someone…_ " he trailed off. This made her smile a bit. Barba being his true self.

" _Fin's already offered, so you could hire him…_ " she said through her smile.

Olivia Benson loved that she was surrounded by people who would literally do anything for her, who cared about her. It spoke to her on multiple levels about the people she had in her life. They were her family.

" _We're not taking this deal?_ " he tried one more time.

" _We're not._ " She answered, looking at him.

Barba took another deep breath and let it out. " _You're going to perjure yourself on the stand in front of a grand jury._ "

Olivia looked at him with wide eyes. He wasn't supposed to be admitting this to her. He wasn't supposed to act like he knew that.

Barba reached over her once more to set her wine glass that he'd stolen back on the coffee table.

" _This conversation was off the record and hypothetical the moment I downed the wine._ " He told her.

The seasoned detective kept quiet, not knowing what to say.

" _You gonna be able to do this?_ " Barba asked her.

" _I have to._ " She replied.

" _You've been a cop for longer than fifteen years. You ever lie on the stand before?_ " He asked her.

" _Nope._ " She replied.

" _Well, off the record?_ " He stated, " _I back you up one hundred percent on this lie._ "

 **Thoughts on this chapter? Thoughts on where my next chapter should go? Thanks for the reviews and yes, I am bringing Elliot back at some point.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks for all the review, favorites, and follows!**

To Olivia's horror, Lewis had decided to represent himself at trial. He had been allowed to question her. He had told the court and jury every single intimate detail about their four days together and then some.

When she had first laid eyes upon him in court, she was in disbelief. She knew what she had done, beating him literally half to death, but she wasn't prepared for his appearance. Lewis had scarring on his face that oddly resembled the tattoo of Mike Tyson, someone who had already spent years in jail after being indicted by a grand jury in Indiana for raping an eighteen-year-old.

She almost wanted to scoff at the coincidence.

As Olivia had sat in the witness chair, she willed herself not to break, not to deviate from her statement previously given. It was one of the hardest things as a cop that she'd ever done. She was lying in front of a grand jury, a judge, and it almost tore her apart.

" _I did what I had to do in order to subdue you._ " She had repeated over, and over to the jury and to Lewis.

" _I did what I had to do in order to subdue you._ "

" _I did what I had to do in order to subdue you._ "

" _I did what I had to do in order to subdue you._ "

She sounded like a broken record, and she just felt broken.

He yelled at her. Lewis had been close to her, she could smell his scent. She constantly flashed back, seeing herself beating him.

After the judge had called order to the court, she was allowed to step down. She had been shaking. Badly.

The court was emptying out. It had been dismissed for the day. According to Olivia, it hadn't gone that well.

Viva and Louisa Nunez had been called to court. Viva was forced to testify. Barba had been pissed at her for lying about them but she was only trying to protect the little girl.

Nothing seemed to be going right. Viva had told the truth, only Lewis had made Olivia's words seem like threats. Olivia had told Viva to leave with her daughter because if the police found them there, ICE would take her daughter, but Lewis made it sound like Olivia had threatened the woman and forced her to leave. She was looking less like the victim and more like the perp.

Lewis had argued that she had been trying to buy time when she'd rushed the maid and her daughter out. He had stated she wanted to be alone with him, that she had beat him while he was still handcuffed to the foot of the bedframe. Unfortunately, Lewis wasn't completely lying.

" _I was trying to save their lives!_ " She had told him and the courtroom.

" _You wanted to be alone with me!_ " He had yelled at her and the jury.

" _You came into the bedroom, started talking about your romantic fantasies, about your ex-partner. How he would have known what to do with me…_ " Lewis had told them all.

She was starting to get disoriented. Her head was spinning. She locked eyes with the blue ones that belonged to Elliot Stabler, who sat on the very last row of the court audience as she had said in the lowest voice possible, " _He would've._ "

A single tear slipped down her face.

She had noticed Elliot sitting in the back about three minutes after taking the stand. She had been slightly surprised, but at the same time, her heart swelled at the thought of him willing to sit through the trial just to show support.

Toward the end, when Lewis was openly yelling at her, she had seen that one vein in Elliot's neck looking like it was about to pop. His lips had been pressed tightly together and his eyes intensely focused on Lewis. She would have been less surprised if Elliot had jumped up and attacked him in open court, if she was being honest.

Olivia hated to admit it, but she was glad he was there. No one in her squad was allowed to be in the room as she testified because they were also being called to the stand. It would have created a conflict of interest. Aside from Barba, she had been virtually alone in that courtroom until she had locked eyes with Elliot after those first three minutes.

Elliot had sat there the whole time, looking tense as hell. She almost wanted to feel taken aback. He was going to hear things and details that she hadn't told him during their meeting, but she looked at it as a relief instead. The less she had to explain to Elliot, the better. And that was if they ever had another face-to-face meeting.

As soon as the judge had dismissed the court, she'd bolted out the side door. Olivia didn't know if he'd wait on her or not but she went to the women's bathroom anyways to collect herself.

When she emerged, he was leaned up against the wall casually.

Olivia nodded at him, acknowledging his presence.

" _Uh… Thanks for being here._ " She said silently as she leaned up against the wall beside him, choosing to gaze out the window across from them.

" _I didn't see anyone else in there for you…_ " He hesitated, questioned if no one had showed up or if she'd simply asked them all not to come.

" _They weren't allowed…_ " she trailed off. " _The whole squad worked my case, they're all being called to the stand._ " Olivia explained.

She stole a glance at him, he seemed calmer, like he didn't have the urge to commit murder anymore.

Elliot thought for a minute. Treading lightly with his next words, " _Cassidy isn't part of your squad…_ " he said.

She rolled her eyes and gave him an annoyed look.

" _Cassidy also isn't a part of my life anymore._ " She said with a serious look.

Elliot's eyes narrowed, trying to read her. Only, she knew was he was doing and she turned away to stare back out the window.

He huffed. They could always read each other too well, and then could shut it off when they didn't want to be read by the other.

Elliot gazed down the hall. " _Do I need to add him to my hitlist?_ " he asked quietly, wondering if Brian had done something to hurt her or if he had broken up with her maybe because of what happened.

" _Nope._ " Was the only reply he got as she shoved her hands in her pocket.

" _Wanna go grab a bite to eat?_ " He tried. It was weird. Awkward. They didn't do this anymore.

" _Are you honestly asking me that?_ " Olivia replied in question, looking at him. She wasn't being a smart ass, or being cocky. She was just trying to figure out what his intent was.

He huffed. She was going to make this as hard as possible he realized. Not that he blamed her, he deserved it. Elliot glanced down the hall again before looking back at her.

" _Liv…_ " He tried. " _Let me buy you some lunch, or coffee. You gotta get something in your system._ " He told her.

She rolled her eyes again, of course he'd known she hadn't eaten all day.

" _Fine…_ " she mumbled and stalked off towards the elevator. Olivia didn't have to turn around to know he'd be right on her heels.

They ended up going to a small place down the street, it was quiet and mostly empty. The walked in and immediately went to the back, picking the most private booth possible to sit in. He joined her, sitting across from her.

The waitress came to take their orders.

Olivia ordered coffee and a sandwich with no sides. He ordered coffee, a burger, and fries.

Elliot thanked the waitress as she took their menus and left.

" _Why didn't you order fries?_ " he asked Olivia.

" _Because I'm going to steal some of yours._ " She replied with a straight face. Old habits die hard. He pressed his lips in a thin line at her response. He should have known.

They sat quietly in the dimly lit restaurant. She checked her phone and smiled warmly. A real smile, one that reached her eyes. It almost made him want to smile in response.

Elliot looked at her questioningly as he sipped on his hot coffee.

" _Texts from the squad,_ " she told him. _"…encouraging, loving texts from my squad, wondering how it went and if I'm okay._ " She said as she sat her phone back down. " _…even one from Bri._ "

" _You're not gonna respond?_ " Elliot asked her.

" _No… looks like you're rubbing off on me._ " Olivia replied slyly. Ouch. He gulped.

She let a beat pass before she gave him a small to let him know she was just joking with him. She needed to lighten the mood after what she'd just went through. He sighed in relief as he realized she was picking at him.

" _I'll stop by the bullpen later."_ She explained.

Finally, their food came and they began to eat. She was glad the day was over. All that was left, was for Lewis to take the stand, then the jury would decide his fate, or her rather.

The restaurant was nice, she'd been here a few times, it was so small you could barely call it a restaurant. It was more of a diner, but she liked it because of how much privacy there was in between booths. It made her feel safe, which is why she had unconsciously picked it.

" _So…_ " Elliot decided to try his luck one more time. " _What happened with Cassidy?_ "

" _How's Kathy?_ " Olivia shot back immediately as she looked up to make eye contact, her face serious, but he could see an undertone of slight humor.

He rolled his eyes. " _I know you know, Olivia._ " Elliot told her. She was a detective after all, he'd be stupid to expect her to not.

" _Really, now?_ " She shot at him again. " _Is that why you're still wearing your ring?_ "

They still knew how to play each other, still knew how to push each other's buttons.

She smiled, more so laughing at her accomplishment of getting him unsettled while he was trying to butt into her love life.

" _You want me to take it off?_ " He asked her, reaching up, slipping his wedding band off and pushing it into his pocket.

Olivia raised her eyebrows at his rash movements. " _No, I was just wondering why a man who'd been divorced for nearly eight months was still wearing his ring…_ " she stated as she reached across the table to grab a fry off his plate, eating it within two bites.

" _Yeah, well…_ " Elliot huffed. " _Old habits die hard._ " He stated as he handed her another fry, giving her a knowing look, and proving his point.

" _Olivia,_ " He tried again. She looked up, waiting to hear his next question. " _What did Cassidy do?_ " he asked. Elliot was worried, she could see it etched in his face. Olivia could see the gears in his head turning, wondering if Brian had done something to her.

She remained silent, contemplating what to tell him. It was embarrassing. She hated what had happened. She hated the way it had happened. If Olivia was being honest, she hated almost everything in her life right now. She wanted to either fast forward or turn back time. Anything but be stuck where she was now, at this point in her life.

" _Tell me what happened with Kathy,_ " Olivia told him, while playing with her food. " _And I'll try to tell you what happened with Brian._ "

" _Try?_ " he replied, and he received an eye roll from her. Something that she seemed to be doing more of these days.

" _Yes._ " She stated. " _I'll try._ " Not willing to back down.

Elliot nodded his head in agreement. He understood and he wasn't about to force her to do anything she didn't want to do. He thought for a while, then cleared his throat.

" _We drifted apart._ " He tried and shrugged his shoulders.

" _El, come on…_ " She told him, knowing good and well there was more to the story.

" _We did._ " He told her. Now Elliot was the one playing with his food. He was shoving around French fries with his fork. " _It just wasn't working. It wasn't the same as it had been when we first got married._ "

Olivia was quiet, intent on listening to Elliot. She wanted him to talk to her.

They weren't that open with each other in the past, not about their significant others. They'd never wanted to cross that line. Maybe it's because they knew it'd be dangerous, dangerous because they had feelings. Sure, there were the few times Kathy had come to her with a concern about Elliot, and the time Olivia had interfered to save his marriage, but talking about it, confiding in each other about that intimate part of their lives, they'd both get hurt.

" _After I shot Jenna,_ " he continued. " _I wouldn't talk to anyone about it. Kathy begged me to open up to her but I couldn't. There was no way I was gonna put what was in my head, in hers._ "

" _You saw someone though, right?_ " Olivia questioned him.

Elliot nodded, confirming he had. " _Yeah, I had a therapist for a bit… it helped a little._ " He told her.

" _We just drifted apart. Pretty soon, we stopped talking period. We grew… our marriage didn't._ "

" _That must have been rough._ " Olivia told him, looking at him with worry.

" _It was worse on Kathy._ " He said. " _I loved her, God I loved her. But…_ " Elliot stopped and huffed, trying to gather his thoughts. " _It just wasn't the same anymore. The love wasn't even the same. We tried, we really did._ " He looked at Olivia, who had a sympathetic look on her face.

" _I'm sorry._ " She told him.

" _It's fine, it's fine._ " He replied.

Elliot cleared his voice. " _So…_ " he questioned. " _You gonna tell me what happened with lover boy, or you gonna make me guess._ "

Olivia laughed a small laugh.

" _You won't guess it._ " She replied, looking away.

" _He do something to you, trigger you?_ " Elliot asked, getting worried.

" _No, not at all._ " She wished they served wine. She could use some alcohol right about now.

" _He couldn't fuck me._ " Olivia stated bluntly. She just decided to rip it off like a bandaid.

" _You telling me he refused to sleep with you…. Because of what happened?_ " he questioned.

" _No, I would 'couldn't', not 'wouldn't'_ " It was Olivia's turn to let out a huff.

The waitress came back to refill their coffees and ask if they needed anything. Olivia politely declined and Elliot shook his head no.

As soon as the waitress walked away, he was back to staring at Olivia, waiting for an answer.

" _He couldn't get hard._ " There it was again, like a bandaid.

" _Hmmm…_ " Elliot mumbled, not knowing what to say.

She didn't know why she was telling him this. She hadn't told anyone. Olivia was embarrassed and ashamed. She absolutely hated it, she hated her body.

" _He tried, El. He really tried._ " Olivia told him. " _Which says a lot about me right now._ " She gave a fake laugh and looked around the room trying to focus on anything else but Elliot.

" _Hey, don't do that._ " He replied. " _Just because he couldn't get it up, it doesn't mean anything. It happens sometimes…it just… trust me._ " He lowered his voice towards the end of the sentence.

" _Maybe he was just having an off day._ " Elliot wanted desperately for her to understand that it really could happen, and that it did happen to every man from time to time.

" _No… he confirmed it was me. It was my body. The scars, the bite marks, they were too much._ " She told him. Olivia could visually see Elliot getting angry.

" _He wanted to just slow it down a bit but I broke it off._ " She confirmed to him, before he could get pissed off at Brian.

She continued, " _He said he thought about me, wondered what I'd been through, what I had experienced, how I reacted…_ " She started getting teary eyes. " _He couldn't stop staring at my chest, but it wasn't my breasts he was staring at._ "

She was embarrassed. One of her worst nightmares had come true. She had become a sexual assault victim, but also, the man she had been with had rejected her body after the assault. And it hadn't even been his own doing. Brian's body physically couldn't react to hers.

" _No._ " Olivia stated firmly, wiping her eyes furiously.

" _Liv…_ " Elliot told her, catching her eye, " _Don't put this on you._ "

" _I'm not going to break down again today, dammit!_ " She willed.

" _You've had a hard day,_ " he told her.

" _I've had a hard fucking life, Elliot._ " Olivia stated. " _Are you ready to go?_ " she asked.

They got the check from the waitress and he paid, per their agreement. As they walked outside, she took a breath of fresh air.

" _You okay?_ " He questioned.

" _Yep._ " She replied shortly.

They walked in the direction of her apartment side by side for two blocks without saying a word.

She was tired, ready to get home, although sleep probably wouldn't come tonight. She'd already received a text from Barba saying the trial had been put on hold for a few more days because Lewis had papers from his doctor stating he needed bed rest or some shit related to that.

" _I meant it._ " Elliot told her, pulling her out of her thoughts.

She looked at him, not speaking.

" _Cassidy is one man, he would have come around eventually._ " She huffed and looked away. She really didn't want to discuss her body anymore. " _And you told me yourself…_ " He trailed off, catching her attention again. " _that he wasn't good with victims, it's why he left our unit._ " She made a mental note that it was now 'her' unit. Not 'theirs'.

" _He couldn't handle strangers that had been sexually assaulted, Liv._ " He tried. " _Think about what it'd do to him for someone he loved to go through that._ " Elliot told her. " _And not just sexual assault… the psychological torture, physical torture._ "

" _I'm not going back to him._ " Olivia stated boldly.

They continued to walk.

" _I'm not trying to get you to._ " He stated. " _Just don't blame yourself, your body for what happened._ " Elliot told her

Olivia nodded in confirmation, refusing to look at him as they kept walking down the sidewalk because stray tears had started to make their way down her face.

As soon as he noticed, he slowed his walking and gently pulled her into a loose hug. She didn't hug back at first, and the silent tears continued.

When she finally gripped his shoulders, he spoke. " _And for the record,_ " Elliot told her, " _I've never been so fucking happy to see you alive and breathing. Marks or no marks._ "

" _You're a beautiful woman, and don't you dare question that. Ever._ "

 **Thoughts?**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks for the reviews, I love to read them! Also, I don't own the first scene, I got that from an episode.**

Olivia and Barba had met for drinks while they were waiting for Lewis' "medical rest" to end. Apparently, the doctor approved him to have two days of medical leave from the trial. That was two day too long for Olivia. She was ready for it to be over with.

Against Olivia's wishes, Nick had tagged along to the bar. He seemed to be overprotective recently. She couldn't say she blamed him.

Her and Barba sat at the end of the bar away from everyone else who was there. Not like it was packed, it was a small 'hole in the wall' bar. Nick was walking back and forth behind them.

She took her glass of red wine and downed it all in one swift movement.

" _He's gonna walk, the jury knows I lied,_ " she stated to Barba, still trying to pretend Nick wasn't there.

" _The jury saw him attack you and they didn't like it. We repaired a lot of the damage._ " Barba stated strongly, taking a sip of his whisky.

" _That 'four' woman,_ " Olivia said, referring to juror number four, " _He's playing her._ "

" _So what?_ " Nick pipes up from behind them. " _Barba's gonna tear him apart…_ "

Olivia chooses to continue with ignoring Nick and stays focused on Barba. She can't be talking about this in front of Nick. Not only does it commit a crime by him knowing she is committing perjury, but she just can't talk about her assault in front of her partner. She wants to keep as much information and details from him as possible.

" _Don't chance it, take the deal._ " She tells Barba. He immediately looks away from her and back towards the bar, talking another drink of whisky. It's like it physically hurts him to even think that she'd agree to say she was raped because then, it could still be a possibility even though she's promised him Lewis didn't get that far.

" _He wants to allocate about raping me?_ " She shoots at Barba. " _He's already humiliated me… What's a few more hours?_ " She sighs and starts in on her second glass of red wine for the night.

" _Liv, I have a bulletproof answer tree._ " He tells her. " _No matter what he says or how he answers, he'll end up in jail._ " He tells her, placing his right hand on her left shoulder.

She jumps. She doesn't mean to and she hates herself for. She hates that she can't control her body at times like this. In her mind, she knows it's the trauma, it happens to everyone who gets attacked or sexually assaulted. She's use to telling victims that all the time. Only now, she's the victim and she doesn't know how to handle it.

" _Goddammit,_ " Barba mutters under his breath. " _I am so sorry, Olivia._ " He looks at her with sympathy and she doesn't have to turn around to know that Nick is doing the same.

" _It's fine, I'm fine,_ " she told Barba.

" _I..,_ " he tries to start but doesn't get very far.

" _Look,_ " she tells him in a low voice. " _If I could control it, I wouldn't have jumped._ "

Barba nods his head in understanding.

" _I uh… I don't have a lot of control over my body lately. I've actually lost control of a bunch of things…_ " Olivia opens up to him. " _But thanks for having my back with this, it means a lot._ "

Behind her she hears Nick clear his throat, most likely trying to either remind her that he's there so she can thank him too, or remind her that he too has her back.

Either way, she doesn't bite.

While smiling at Barba and not moving her face or eyes she adds, " _I'm still pretending you're not here, Amaro._ "

He gave her a humorous smile even though she couldn't see it. One of the conditions for him to be allowed on this outing was her pretending her wasn't with them, Nick had known this. It didn't stop him from speaking up and being present though.

They finished their drinks and Nick drove both of them home, Barba first, then Olivia.

He pulled up in front of her new building and waited for her to get out. Nick desperately wanted to rush over, open her car door, and walk her up but he knew she'd kick his ass if he even tried.

She opened the door and turned to get out, but she didn't. She sat there for a second looking at the ground.

Olivia huffed and closed her eyes, leaning her head on the door frame of the car.

" _Thanks,_ " she said quietly.

" _Liv, it's no problem, you know that._ " He told her.

" _No, I mean for everything, all of it._ "

Nick swallowed and stayed silent. He didn't know what he was supposed to say. She'd given off vibes that she and him weren't allowed to talk about what happened or Lewis.

Olivia took a long breath and moved to get back in the car and shut the door.

She looked over at him. " _I'm giving you free rein,_ " she told him and he raised his eyebrows in surprise. " _You want or need to say something, talk about something, do it now…_ " Olivia told him. " _You got a question,_ " she stated, " _ask it now._ "

Nick cleared his throat. He didn't know how to ask it but it was all he thought about. " _Did he…_ " it came out thicker than he expected. " _He didn't um… did he rape-_ " There was so much emotion in his voice that he could even finish the question.

He eyes shot over to him. " _What?! No!_ " she was horrified that he'd been thinking she was a rape victim this entire time.

" _God, no. No!_ " She continued. " _Nick, he didn't rape me._ " Olivia told him boldly.

Nick closed his eyes, leaned his head back against the seat and a single tear fell as he let out a breath of relief.

" _Okay… alright,_ " he said as his eyes were closed.

" _Fuck, Nick,_ " she stated, reaching over to lay her hand on his upper arm. " _I'm sorry, I'm so sorry._ " Olivia told him. " _I thought Fin or Cragen would have told you… I would have told you sooner if I'd known…_ "

" _It's fine,_ " he said, wiping his tear away and she retracted her hand. " _I'm just glad it didn't happen._ "

She felt bad, real bad. Olivia had thought for sure that the squad and her captain would have sat down together and discussed her case. In fact, she figured it was a day-to-day discussion of asking each other how she was doing and which one of them had spoken to her last.

" _I thought for sure everyone talked about it, about me…_ " She told him.

" _Nah…_ " Nick said. " _Everyone's on edge. No one wants to say the wrong thing._ "

" _Well that's kind of… comforting._ " Olivia added. It was comforting to know they weren't talking about her, especially as a victim. Even more comforting knowing that they hadn't read over her case file after she was rescued, aside from Fin of course.

" _Oh God,_ " Olivia said with a sudden realization.

" _What?_ " Nick asked.

" _Amanda doesn't know either?_ " she questioned.

" _No…it's been in her head too. She worries about you a lot._ " Nick told her.

" _Do me a favor?_ " Olivia asked. " _Tell her for me? I'm kinda getting tired of having to disclose my 'non-rape' with the people who care about me, yeah?_ "

Nick nodded his head. " _Yeah, I'll tell her next time I see her._ "

Olivia snorted with laughter. He turned to look at her with curiosity.

" _What's so funny?_ " he asked.

She looked back at him. " _Next time you see her? Don't you mean later on tonight…_ " she told him with a knowing look.

Nick let out an annoyed sigh and looked straight ahead through the windshield.

" _How long have you known?_ " he asked her.

" _Probably since around the time it started…_." Olivia told him. " _I'm a detective, Nick._ "

" _Hmm…_ " was his only reply as he looked down, trying to decide what to do now.

" _Hey…_ " she called to him. " _I'm not gonna rat you out._ "

" _Uh… thanks?_ " He replied.

" _Just be careful… things can get messy,_ " she told him.

Silence engulfed them again. His head was swirling. He hadn't expected anyone to catch on to him and Amanda hooking up. They'd been careful.

" _Anything else?_ " She asked him.

" _What?_ " he questioned.

" _There anything else you wanna talk about? With me with Lewis or whatever…_ "

Nick was quiet for a moment. He seemed to be thinking, contemplating his next move or what he should say.

" _Olivia,_ " he started, and she turned to look at him. " _I've never been so scared in my life, then I was when you were gone for those four days._ " He told her. Her face showed sympathy but she could see he wasn't finished speaking so she stayed quiet.

" _I thought I just knew we were gonna find your body in the end…_ " He took some deep breaths willing himself not to get emotional again. " _I don't think I'll ever be able to get the smell of burnt skin out of my mind…_ " Olivia reached over and interlaced her left hand with his right.

" _If it makes you feel any better,_ " she told him, " _I can't really remember them. I remember him doing the first two, but after that, it's a haze for a bit…_ " He gave her a quizzing look, wondering if she had blacked out from the pain, if it had really been that unbearable.

" _Lewis pumped me full of vodka…_ " Olivia explained, " _so, for a few rare moments, I was out of it…_ " He looked relieved again and nodded his head. He looked thankful.

" _Look,_ " Nick started, " _I'm sorry we couldn't be there when you testified. The moment you needed us most and none of us were there… you had to do it alone… it's not right…"_

Olivia smiled and gave his hand a squeeze as she gazed out of her window. " _I wasn't alone, Nick._ " She told him.

He tugged on her hand in an attempt to get her to face him again. " _What do you mean?_ " he asked.

" _Someone showed up for me,_ " she stated.

" _I thought you forbid Cassidy from coming?_ " He tried.

" _Wasn't Brain_ ," she told him.

He gave her a questioning look, wondering if she'd really tell him or not.

" _Elliot…_ "

" _Your ex-partner?_ " Nick asked. " _The one that left you high and dry?_ " Nick had heard stories about Elliot, about how he had acted and how they had had one of the strongest partnerships to ever grace the one six. He'd also been there right after Elliot left her, and she had been very broken, too broken for someone who was 'just friends' with the guy.

" _Yep,_ " she replied. " _He'd been in touch with Fin while Lewis had me. Fin told me about it afterwards and I agreed to meet with him._ "

" _Didn't know he would come to see me testify though._ " Olivia added.

" _How was it?_ " Nick asked, " _Having him there I mean?_ "

She was silent, looking through the windshield at the air in front of her. She wasn't really quite sure how she felt about Elliot being back just yet, and that was if he was really back, which was still to be determined.

" _I needed it,_ " She told nick absently. " _I needed him in my corner for this…_ " It was true. " _I've never in my life been this broken… this fucked up…_ " she told him honestly. " _It scares me… I don't know how to bounce back… if I'll bounce back…_ " Olivia trailed off.

" _You'll bounce back, Liv,_ " he told her. " _It'll take some time and therapy, you know that._ "

She huffed. She hated therapy, absolutely hated it.

" _You good?_ " Olivia asked him.

" _Yeah, I'm good,_ " He told her.

" _Alright, then._ " She stated as she gave his hand a light squeeze before letting go of it and exiting the car for real this time.

" _Liv?_ " He called after her through the open passenger window but she didn't even turn around.

" _I know, I know,_ " she smiled to herself as she walked up the steps. " _Blink my lights when I get inside._ "

 **Thoughts**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks for the reviews, feedback, and private messages, thanks guys. It really helps.**

Somehow, Lewis had managed to convince his doctor to turn two day into nearly two weeks. The court couldn't even cite him for delaying the trial because he was legitimately hospitalized in the prison facility where he was being held… something about an infection from one of his surgical wounds that was supposed to have been healing.

It was killing Olivia, almost literally. She'd started sleeping on the couch more and more. She didn't know how it happened, it just did. It's where she felt comfortable half the time.

She hadn't eaten much within the past two weeks. She was beginning to look frail.

Her hair was barely combed, she was in sweats, and she couldn't remember the last time she'd put on make-up.

At least she showered regularly, but she knew it was her depression kicking in. Sometimes, she'd sit in the tub while the shower was on as hot as it could go, which wasn't hot enough to hurt her or do any damage, but still. Sometimes, Olivia would wash herself off four or five times before she got out. She needed to feel clean. She was aware this was victim behavior, it all was.

Olivia laid on the couch underneath her comforter. She'd moved it to the couch when she realized she currently had no intentions of sleeping in her bed for the time being. Her pillows had joined the comforter on the couch the following day.

Netflix was on but she couldn't say she was watching it. There were a few television shows that she found were good at not reminding her of the assault. Shows like Gilmore Girls and the Golden Girls. Sometimes she wouldn't even watch them, she'd just have them on for background noise.

The older detective knew what was happening to her but she couldn't do anything to stop it. She knew it sometimes took days, months even for the victim to feel the full effect, the full shock of the assault. Olivia had thought she was past it but the trial brought it all back up.

She could feel herself spiraling down. It'd been over five months since her assault and all the sudden it felt so fresh, like it had happened within the past two weeks. Olivia had been stuck in her apartment. She wasn't allowed to work during the trial. Cragen had told her not to and she hadn't argued, which had been surprising to everyone.

She heard a knock on the door and she ignored it, willing them to go away, whoever it was.

They knocked again, and again she ignored them.

There was no third knock, instead, her phone dinged.

She rolled her eyes as she reached over to read it.

" **Let me in, or I'm kick the door down."** It was from Fin.

She huffed, contemplating where or not to get up.

" _I'll do it,_ " she heard from the door, " _You know I'm good for it…_ " he told her.

" _Alright,_ " She yelled, " _I'm coming._ "

Olivia pushed the covers back and got up, slightly rushing to the door.

She didn't bother checking the peephole and unlocked everything, opening it.

" _Damn,_ " he told her. " _You look like a mess…_ "

She didn't dignify his statement with an answer and moved back to let him in, locking the door behind him.

Fin stood in her living room. He looked at the couch where she was obviously sleeping now days.

" _You're bad off…_ " he told her. It was more of a statement than question.

She rolled her eyes at him and went to move the pillows and comforter out of the way so they could both sit.

Fin chose to sit in the middle of the couch, so she'd have to sit beside him either way. She chose to sit on his left.

He sat back, propped his right foot on top of his left knee and got comfortable, putting his right arm behind her on the couch.

" _Word on the street is that you've stopped showing up to therapy…_ " he commented, looking pointedly at her. She huffed.

" _Cragen has a big mouth…_ " she answered.

Olivia knew the Captain was only looking out for her but he should have known from her ignoring most of her calls and texts that she didn't want to be bothered. And he only knew she'd stopped going to therapy because he was her emergency contact. Dr. Lindstrom had called him out of concern.

" _Why'd you stop going?_ " he asked her. She leaned back against his arm.

" _I just wasn't feeling it anymore…_ " Olivia answered honestly.

" _That why you've stopped eatin' too?_ " Fin questioned.

" _I'm fine, Fin._ "

" _Nah, you're not…_ " he told her, " _but if you don't wanna talk about it, that's aight._ "

She flashed him a fake smile, thanking him silently.

" _You've lost weight, you're not sleeping…_ " Fin trailed off.

" _You gonna sit here and list all the things that's wrong with me? You'll be here all night…_ " she told him.

He pressed his lips together in a thin line. Fin didn't like that response. Olivia had been stuck inside her head for too long. She needed to talk to someone.

He gazed around the living room. " _When's the last time you had a flashback?_ " he asked.

" _Fin…_ " She trailed off.

" _Tell me…_ " He asked her firmly.

She was quiet, too quiet. That meant it hadn't been that long. He hated she was going through this. Fin would do anything to change the way things were if he could.

" _Yesterday…_ " she finally spoke in a whisper so low that he almost missed it.

" _Wanna share?_ " he questioned. " _No,_ " came her short but firm answer.

" _Okay, that's fine. I just needed to offer._ "

Fin got up slowly, making his way to the kitchen. She knew what he was doing. He was checking for food. He wanted to know what occupied her cabinets.

She sighed and waited for the blow as she heard him fishing in cabinets and opening the fridge.

" _Baby girl…_ " he started, " _We gotta fix this…_ " he told her from the kitchen.

Before she knew what was happening, her eyes had filled up with tears and they were over flowing onto her face. She began to cry uncontrollably.

" _It can't be…fixed!_ " she cried. " _It's too broken… I'm too broken._ "

At once he was by her side on the couch. Olivia's hands were covering her face as she cried.

" _I gotcha,_ " he told her as he gently pulled her to him. Fin wrapped his arms around her as she continued to cry in to his shoulder.

He held her tightly.

" _I'm broken, Fin._ " Olivia told him. " _I thought I had healed, I thought I was past it but… it was only just beginning._ " She cried.

He weaved his hand through her hair and held her head.

" _You're gonna be okay, Liv._ " Fin told her, " _You'll be okay, I swear._ " He promised.

" _You don't know that…_ " she told him soberly. " _You don't know what it's like to take two showers a day and still not feel clean. You don't know what it's like to… to be fucked up like this._ " She said into his shoulder.

" _Oh, Baby girl._ "

After a few moments of silent sniffles from Olivia, Fin continued. " _I'll kill him, you know I will. Or I'll have him killed. Say the word, Liv._ " He told her. " _Just say the word and he won't even make it to the end of the trial…._ " Fin was dead serious.

" _No._ " she replied. " _I won't turn you into a monster too._ "

Olivia pulled back, grabbing a tissue from the coffee table to clean her now red and puffy face.

Fin scooted to the end of the couch and grabbed Olivia's comforter and one of her pillows. He patted the pillow that he'd placed in his lap, and instantly, she laid her head down. Laying on her back, so she could still see his face, he covered her with the comforter. This wasn't something he'd do for just anyone, but because he knew it relaxed her, so he began to run his fingers through her hair.

" _I know you were in the hospital for several days after you were found because you were detoxing…_ " he told her.

Her eyes, which had previously closed the moment he began to play with her hair, were now wide open.

" _How did you…_ " she questioned.

" _I know a guy…_ " he replied.

" _Fin, no one knows that but the hospital… Cragen doesn't even know that. Those records were sealed due to the Victim's Rights Laws… I had them sealed…_ " she told him as panic spread across her face. If Fin knew, who else would?

" _Olivia, you gotta trust me…_ " he told her, " _Your records are still sealed tight, no one knows…_ "

She knew he was in narcotics for a long time before joining SVU. He knew hundreds of more people in their business than she did. And many of them were way more dangerous, some were felons working for the Feds.

" _Hmm…_ " she replied in thought. " _Do you know what the detox was for?_ " she asked him.

" _I could have found out, but I decided I'd let you tell me…_ " he replied.

She was silent for a bit and she'd closed her eyes. He was beginning to think that maybe she'd fallen asleep but he saw a tear leave her eye, slide down, and make it's way to the pillow.

" _Meth…_ " she hesitated, whispering her answer.

Fin let out a harsh breath. This wasn't good. " _How?_ " he asked.

She brought her left arm up to cover her eyes with her hand, she was so tired of crying. At least these were silent tears.

" _Needles… when I'd pass out from vodka or be too out of it to fight him, he'd shoot me up with Meth…_ " she disclosed to him.

" _God damn, Olivia._ " He stated. " _There were no needle punctures on the medical exam report…_ " he questioned.

" _I know…_ " she replied. " _They didn't check between my toes… They had no reason to…_ " she told him. " _It was bad… real bad…_ "

" _How did you react? I mean, I guess your body tolerated it._ " He stated.

" _That's the understatement of the century…_ " she conveyed.

He still couldn't see her eyes, she was still covering them with her hand. He thought maybe the tears had stopped though. Fin continued to play with her hair, it seemed to help her open up.

He stayed quiet, willing her to speak again.

" _The first time,_ " she told him, " _it was like a thousand orgasms at once…_ " He could see fresh tears now making their way down her face. She was embarrassed and ashamed.

" _Don't tell anyone, Fin…_ " she became frantic now, removing her hand and searching out his eyes with her own. " _Please God don't tell anyone the things I'm saying right now…_ "

" _Hey…_ " he told her as he grabbed her right hand with his left hand. " _What we talk about right here, right now? It says here._ " He continued to play with her hair using his left hand.

She sniffled, squeezing his hand and using her free left hand to grab another tissue to wipe her face.

" _Fin… I'm scared._ " She told him.

" _You get the urge to do it?_ " he asked hesitantly.

" _No so much the urge to do it, but just wanting it… wanting to feel that way again._ " Olivia told him.

" _How did it make you feel when you were high?_ " he asked her.

She was quiet for another moment. Olivia knew she could trust Fin with anything, she knew that for a fact. She loved him so much. He'd never left her, deserted her. He'd always had her back.

" _I felt like… he could have raped me, and I would have cared less._ " She told him. " _When I was high… it's like I didn't mind being with him, I could tolerate it, I could stand the torture._ "

Fin knew drugs, he knew how they worked, he'd worked in narcotics a long time. There was always a high and always a low.

" _How'd it feel when you were low, coming down?_ " Fin asked her.

Olivia sniffled some more ask more tears escaped her eyes. " _Like I wanted to die…_ " she whispered. " _I wanted to kill myself… if I… if I had been able to get ahold of my gun…_ " she trailed off, turning on her side and slightly burying her face in a mixture of the pillow and Fin's stomach, letting go of his hand.

This was breaking his heart.

He leaned down placing a kiss in her hair and resting his forehead on the side of her left arm.

" _I love you, you know that…_ " he whispered to her.

" _Yeah… I know…_ " she chuckled through her tears. " _And you know I love you back._ "

Fin put his right hand on her back and he stayed in place.

They stayed like that for as long as Fin's back would let him before it started to ache. He planted a light kiss on her arm and leaned up again.

" _Is Elliot hurting you or helping you by being around?_ " he asked honestly.

" _He's helping at the moment…_ " she told him. " _He actually came to hear me testify when none of you all could be there…_ "

" _Hmm…_ " Fin responded.

" _I didn't know he was gonna be there. I don't think he knew none of you would be there either, he sat in the very back._ "

" _I'm surprised he didn't kill Lewis in the courtroom after hearing you testify…_ " Fin told her.

" _Yeah, you and me both…_ "

She was happy Fin was with her right now. She hadn't even told her therapist about the drug usage. She was glad too, because if he had been truly worried about her health, legally he could have mentioned it to Cragen because it fell under the category of her hurting herself and possibly over dosing."

" _Do you want me to call him?_ " Fin questioned. " _You know he'd come this time…_ "

" _No, not right now._ " She told him. " _But, would you like to stay the night?_ " She boldly asked.

" _Sure,_ " he said.

" _I mean obviously, we'd sleep in the bed and Brian wouldn't be here to try and sneak in bed with you and-_ " She was rambling but he cut her off.

" _You don't have to try and convince me to stay, Liv, you know that._ " He told her. " _All you gotta do is ask, and I'm here._ " He promised her.

 **Thoughts?**


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks for all the reviews!**

They sat in the courtroom together. Olivia on the front bench with Nick on her left and Fin on her right. It was time for Barba to cross examine Lewis. She felt uneasy. Amanda sat behind them with Cragen. Munch was holding down the house. Cragen had always been like a father to her and she figured there was no way he wouldn't have showed up so Much drew the short straw on this one. Olivia was pretty sure Elliot wasn't there. She hadn't had time to scope out the entire courtroom but she hadn't seen him.

Olivia had told Brian the same thing she'd been telling him for the previous parts of the trial, to not show up. She didn't want him there. She didn't need him to hear any of this and they weren't even together anymore. Olivia knew he wanted to be there for support but she didn't need it. She was currently surrounded by her squad, that support was enough. She just wanted this to be over with.

" _Court will come to order, please!_ " The judge said, as he hammered away. " _Mr. Lewis, are you ready to take the stand?_ "

" _I was, your honor, but since the prosecution has failed to make its case, I am ready for closing arguments._ " Lewis stated, sitting back down just as quickly as he had stood up. " _At this point, the defense rests._ "

All Olivia could hear was ringing in her ears. She looked around in shock. Barba wasn't going to be able to question Lewis. All of those bullet proof questions Barba had put together were useless.

" _Very well,_ " the judge stated. " _We will have a thirty-minute recess, then closing arguments._ " The judge banged the hammer once more.

Closing arguments weren't supposed to be today. Olivia had thought they would be tomorrow at the earliest. This wasn't right, this couldn't be happening. She wasn't even sure if Barba was prepared for closing arguments.

Olivia took one look at Barba as everyone stood up to leave for the recess. He looked irritated and frustrated, but calm all at the same time. She rolled her eyes at herself. Of course Barba was prepared for closing arguments, it was Barba. But now the jury wouldn't be able to see Lewis be cross examined. They wouldn't be able to see the real him. They'd be lenient.

Olivia stood up quickly and rushed into the hallway. She began pacing back and forth in front of the women's bathroom, mainly because it was the least crowded place in the hallway. They'd just had a recess so it's not like everyone had to use the bathroom again.

She was running her hands through her hair, trying to decide what to do.

" _Liv,_ " Fin called as he came up beside her.

Barba came out of the courtroom and gave her a sympathetic look. " _I'll be back for closing arguments,_ " he told her. " _I'm just going to go over my papers once more._ " She nodded her head at him in understanding.

" _He's going to get off._ " Olivia stated, not looking at Fin.

" _You don't know that,_ " He told her.

Nick, Amanda, and Cragen were nowhere in sight, she assumed they were still sitting inside on the pews.

Olivia started breathing harder as she paced. She was on the verge of a panic attack.

" _Hey,_ " Fin tried again. " _You gotta slow down, don't freak out just yet._ " He reached out to her and caught her arm lightly.

She looked at him. " _Fin,_ " Olivia said with tears in her eyes, her voice breaking, " _You know this isn't going to end right._ "

He pulled her into a hug and she let him. She didn't hug back but just let her arms hang at her sides and she rested her forehead on his shoulder.

" _I can't do this,_ " she whispered.

" _Yes, you can,_ " Fin told her firmly as he hugged her tighter. " _We got you, you know that._ "

He released her and pulled her over to a nearby bench where they could sit down.

Olivia took her fingers and wiped under her eyes in case her make-up had smudged.

" _Hey, have you uh… talked to Elliot lately?_ " She asked him.

" _Nah…_ " he replied. " _Once he made contact with you, he didn't keep up with me much._ "

" _You seen him here today?_ " She tried again.

" _Nah,_ " Fin replied. " _You want me to call him, shoot him a text?_ " he asked.

" _No, no… I was just wondering._ " Olivia answered.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Fin finally asked her if she wanted some coffee from the cart outside, of course she declined and they fell into silence again. She didn't want to talk and she knew Fin would pick up on that. Olivia just needed a warm body beside her, a presence with her to remind herself that she wasn't alone in this.

Fin leaned back making himself comfortable, propping his arm up behind her on the bench. As soon as he did it, she leaned over into him. Olivia was exhausted. She was barely getting any sleep and when she did, it was still on her couch, which wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world.

As people began to pour back into the courtroom, she glanced at her watch. The recess was almost over. She sat up and walked across the hall to the women's bathroom to quickly pee and check her make-up.

When she left the bathroom, Fin was on his feet and waiting to escort her back into the courtroom. He held the door open for her and they walked in. Olivia took the same seat that she'd had before and waiting for the proceedings to begin.

As the closing arguments began, Lewis made sure to limp more than he needed to in order to look as injured as possible. He also tried to make himself look as human as possible, trying to get the jury to relate to him in any way possible.

He continuously told the court how Olivia had been drawn to him and how she'd wanted what happened to her. He told them that she was a woman who got off on the thrill of being sexually involved with the type of man she had been chasing for her entire career.

Lewis told them she willingly gave him her gun because she loved the thrill of him having it, that she willingly drank alcohol and did drugs with him. He said she went into a hyper-aroused frenzy and begged him to tie her down, and to sexually humiliate her in front of others for her enjoyment.

Olivia thought she was going to be sick. She could almost feel the anger radiating off Nick beside her. In fact, she reached over and put a calming hand on his knee, silently telling him to calm down.

Lewis called her demands desperate and perverted, but she said a silent prayer thanking God that he hadn't focused or spoken anymore about the drugs that no one in her squad but Fin knew about.

He restated how he had been cuffed to the bed, and how in a rage of unsatisfaction, she had beat him with a metal bar instead of walking away like she would have done if she was supposedly kidnapped.

He claimed he had been almost killed, and at this moment, she wished she had finished the job.

Lewis told the jury to look at him, to look at all his injuries, then he told them to look at her. She looked down to the floor as she felt their eyes on her. None of her injuries were visible. They couldn't see the scars, the marks on her body, her other wounds had finally healed months ago, not to mention, you can't see psychological damage.

When Barba finally made his closing statement, he listed off all of Lewis' bad qualities and the evidence they had against him. He'd reminded them of her scars from her torture and even pulled her jacket to show she had no history of violence. His argument was long and good, but Olivia didn't think it went over well. There was a red-headed juror who was buying into every word that had come out of Lewis' mouth.

Finally, it was all over and the jury was dismissed to deliberate while the court was in recess. As soon as the jury was back, they'd know the verdict.

She spent those two hours in Barba's office, laying on his couch while he sat at his desk. She couldn't go back to the precinct and she didn't want to go home. Barba sure as hell wasn't going to let her be alone. He had graciously offered her his office for as long as she wanted to be there. Olivia had walked in, and went straight to his cushy, emerald green leather couch. She had laid down, settling her left hand on her stomach and the back of her right hand over her eyes.

They stayed in silence for at least the first thirty minutes. Barba knew she wasn't asleep, but that she was probably tortured by the things in her head.

" _Who was the blue-eyed man you kept focusing on during your testimony?_ " Barba questioned after he decided the silence wasn't doing her any good. He glanced at her before returning to paperwork that he was doing for another case. He was just trying to keep himself busy until the jury came back.

" _That's very perceptive of you,_ " was her reply. She hadn't moved an inch aside from moving her lips to reply.

" _He a lover I don't know about?_ " Barba questioned, an eyebrow perking up.

" _You jealous, Barba?_ " She questioned and he looked up to see a smile on her lips even though her hand was still covering her eyes.

" _No, but Brian might be… they were talking outside the courthouse today._ " He stated. That definitely got her attention, Olivia shot up from the couch very quickly.

" _What?!_ " Olivia questioned. " _Brian wasn't supposed to be there. I told him not to come._ " She said quickly.

Barba stopped writing, his eyes went wide and his eyebrows raised at her reaction. He'd only been kidding about the "lover" part.

" _What were they saying?_ " She asked him, looking alert.

" _I couldn't hear anything but it didn't look heated. They just looked like they were having a normal conversation…_ " Barba told her honestly.

Olivia closed her eyes and put her head in her hands. " _Fuck,_ " she stated.

He clasped his hands together on his desk, now curious as to who Elliot was.

" _You didn't want them to meet I presume?_ "

" _What? No, they already know each other…_ " Olivia told him, looking up. " _I just don't want them getting together and talking about me…_ "

" _Oh…_ " Barba said as he looked away in thought.

Olivia rolled her eyes. " _His name is Elliot… he was my former partner, he was also here when Brian worked SVU._ " She told him.

" _Ah…_ " He said, making a sound like things were starting to make sense to him. " _We talking about the same partner that left you? The one it was rumored about that you and he were involved…?_ "

" _You're better than that._ " She told him, narrowing her eyes at him.

" _I don't listen to gossip, that's why I'm asking now._ " He tilted his head at her, trying to read her.

" _Yes, same partner and no, we were not involved. He was married._ " Olivia huffed.

" _Alright._ " Barba knew marriage didn't really mean much but he didn't comment on it because he knew Olivia. Being with someone married would be a deal-breaker for her, but still, she'd said it like it had been the only reason they hadn't been together…

" _You okay having him back in your life?_ " Barba asked.

" _Why are you asking me that?_ " She answered his question with a question.

" _Because,_ " he said, clearing his throat and taking a more serious tone, " _I need to know if I need to keep him out of the courtroom when the verdict is read. If you don't want him there, let me know and I'll make it happen…_ " He told her. It wasn't very difficult to give the security guards a picture at the courthouse and tell them to not allow a certain person in. He didn't even need a legal piece of paper stating it, they all knew him and trusted him enough.

" _Oh…no, it's fine, Elliot can be there._ " She told him, lightening her voice once she realized he wasn't trying to pry into her life but protect her.

" _Okay,_ " Barba replied.

Olivia let out another breath and laid back down on the couch.

They fell into silence again and over an hour later, Barba got the call.

" _They're back._ " He told Olivia as he hung up the phone, but she didn't move.

Barba gathered his things in his briefcase and walked over to her.

" _You ready?_ " He asked.

" _Yeah,_ " she replied in a small voice as she stood up and straightened her clothes and hair.

He walked to the door but stopped just short of grabbing the knob. Olivia wasn't really focused and almost ran smack into him.

Barba turned around and looked at her.

" _I'm going to give you a hug,_ " he told her, but was also asking for permission, " _and if you ever tell anyone, I'll deny it._ "

She looked surprised but shook her head, giving him permission to touch her. He sat his briefcase down and walked closer, putting both arms around her. Olivia leaned into him and hugged him back. Barba hugs were a rare thing.

He held her like that for longer than what a normal hug would be, so she rested her head on his shoulder.

" _No matter what happens…_ " he whispered to her, " _it's going to be okay, Liv._ "

" _I know,_ " she told him as she closed her eyes tightly, " _I know._ "

 **Thoughts?**


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks for the reviews.**

Olivia sat outside the courtroom waiting on Fin. Barba had already entered and had taken his seat, so had Amanda, Cragen, and Nick. Fin had driven to the courtroom separately because he hadn't returned to the precinct during the recess for the jury's deliberation.

The elevator dinged and out came Fin. He spotted Olivia on a bench in the hallway and headed towards her.

" _You ready?_ " Fin asked.

" _I guess…_ " she replied.

" _You talked to Elliot? He in there?_ " Fin questioned.

" _Haven't talked to him nor have I seen him, but Barba said he was here somewhere earlier…._ " She stated, gazing in the distance as she remembered what Barba had said about Elliot and Brian. Truth be told, she had been looking for him the moment she and A.D.A. had entered the courthouse.

He gave her a look as he took out his phone and quickly dialed a number that he'd memorized years ago.

" _Fin!_ " Olivia exclaimed but it was too late, the phone was already ringing.

" _Hey, man,_ " She watched Fin as he talked. " _Where you at right now?_ "

Olivia rolled her eyes. She was going to kill him. She didn't want to seem like she was relying on Elliot for support because she wasn't, not really.

" _Good, good._ " Fin said into the phone. " _Nah, I'm out in the hallway with her, but we're about to make our way in…_ " he continued. " _Aight, will do._ " And then he hung up.

Olivia looked at him in question, waiting to see what information he had to tell her.

" _He's inside._ " Fin told her.

" _Oh…_ " was Olivia's reply. She hadn't really expected him to be there.

Fin stood up and held his arm out for her to grab onto. Once she stood and latched onto him, they made their way to the courtroom doors. They walked in arm in arm together and sat in the same spot they had been the entire time, on the front row by Nick. She was sandwiched between them.

Olivia glanced back to see if she could spot Elliot. When she finally did, he was on the last pew just as he had been during her testimony. Elliot gave her a small, encouraging smile. She swallowed and tried to return it.

Nick saw her gazing back, and looked back himself to see who she had been eyeing. When he saw Elliot, he recognized him from a few photos Olivia had kept around her apartment, the old one she'd lived in before she moved. When Elliot's eyes met his, Nick gave Elliot a slight nod, acknowledging his presence. Elliot nodded back out of courtesy.

Olivia ignored the exchange between the two men. She didn't want to think about her old partner meeting her new one. One hurtle at a time.

Everyone stood up as the judge and jury entered the courtroom along with the officers escorting Lewis to his seat. Then everyone sat back down as the judge called the court into session.

" _Ladies and gentlemen, people of the jury, on the case of the people vs. William Lewis, have you reached a verdict?_ " the judge asked.

The redheaded jury that Lewis had played the entire trial stood up to speak for the jury.

" _We have your honor, but before we read it, many of us have serious reservations about the conduct of Detective Benson that we're not sure how to address… we just want it on the record._ " She told them. The judge nodded.

Olivia was all the sudden overcome with guilt and shame. She had caused a jury to question her duty to the state of New York, and how she handled herself. She should have just shot Lewis.

" _On the charge of attempted murder, we find the defendant William Lewis… not guilty._ " The redhead stated.

Lewis smiled and Olivia felt like she was going to pass out.

" _On the charge of attempted rape, we find the defendant… not guilty,_ " the juror continued.

Lewis smiled again. Yes, Olivia was definitely going to pass out or something of that nature. It was all happening so fast. Everything was going so incredibly wrong. How did things turn out this wrong?

Olivia leaned forward, her head spinning. Fin grabbed her by the shoulders, pushing her back against the bench and holding her in place, willing her to stay coherent. Nick put a supportive arm behind her.

Barba looked worried, more worried than she'd ever seen him since she'd known him. He'd never forgive himself if Lewis got off free.

" _On the charge of assault on a police officer, we find the defendant…guilty._ "

The smile slowly dropped from Lewis' face but Olivia didn't notice. She was too busy trying to process her surroundings.

" _On the charge of kidnapping, we find the defendant… guilty._ " The juror recited.

" _The state of New York thanks the jury for their service, you are dismissed,_ " the judge stated. " _William Lewis, you will remain at Riker's where you will await sentencing. Court dismissed._ " The judge concluded.

Olivia wanted to leave. She needed to get out of the courtroom. Lewis was already being escorted out and she needed to leave too. She knew in the back of her mind that it was an okay turnout of verdicts but the ones she wanted, the ones she needed to be guilty, were not.

The jury hadn't believed her. They hadn't thought Olivia's life was in danger or that she had been sexually assaulted.

Olivia tried to stand but her legs gave out and before she knew it, she was on the ground. A pair of hands rushed to grab her up under her arms. She expected it to be Fin. No offense to Nick, but she didn't think he'd have the strength to pull all her weight up. Instead, she looked up and saw Elliot. He had his arms around her, trying to steady her or at least sit her back down on the bench.

Barba was talking, he was saying something to her but she couldn't make out what it was. Her head was spinning. The entire room was spinning.

Somehow, she managed to be sitting on the bench again. Her body was turned more sideways to the right but she was sitting up and Elliot was standing beside her. Fin was sitting beside her, sort of in front of her to her right, and she felt a pair of hands on her back that she could make out as Nick's. Amanda was nowhere in sight and Cragen was standing behind the bench near her.

Within seconds, Amanda came rushing in with a cup of water.

Olivia spun her head around and noticed how empty the courtroom was now and wondered if she had momentarily blacked out because it usually took longer than a few seconds to clear a courtroom.

She took the cup from Amanda and began to drink.

" _It was a good outcome, Liv._ " She heard Barba say. " _I'll request the maximum, twenty-five to life._ "

She ignored him. The blank stare continued her face as she drank her water. Once it was gone, she handed the cup back to the blonde.

" _Do you want me to get you some more?_ " Amanda asked. Olivia shook her head no and attempted to stand up again.

Elliot helped her, putting his arm around her waist.

So far, Olivia had done a good job at keeping the tears at bay. Now they openly streamed down her face but she didn't care.

She tried to walk forward but ended up having to put her arm around Elliot when she lost her balance so she stood still.

" _Take me home,_ " She hoarsely requested of him. " _God, please just get me home._ " She begged him sniffling, looking into his eyes.

Seeing her like this was breaking his heart. He nodded his head yes.

" _Yeah, of course…_ " He said as he tried to help her get to the entrance of the courtroom but Fin had to come in on her left side for more assistance.

Cragen nodded his head at Elliot in approval and stopped Amanda and Nick from going to help. Nick didn't like it, he wanted to be there for his partner, but he complied with Cragen's command. Amanda watched Olivia weakly leave the courtroom with the help of Fin and Elliot. She'd already figured out who Elliot was, she'd overheard Cragen talking to him before Olivia and Fin had entered the courtroom.

Barba stood, not knowing what to do. He didn't see this case as a loss, but with the way Olivia reacted, he didn't see it as a win either. He was on his heels and out the side of the courtroom before anyone could say a word to him.

Olivia opted to lean into Elliot while they waited on the elevator. It was just the logical thing to do because Elliot still had one arm fully around her waist, whereas Fin only rested his hand on the top of her arm. If she was to fallout or blackout again, which was exactly what she felt like doing, Elliot would be the one who could catch her.

She didn't bother to wipe the tears, she just allowed them to flow as they please, dropping on the floor below her and occasionally on her shirt. There was nothing she could do about them anyways, she couldn't control them.

They finally made it outside the courtroom and to Elliot's much nicer car. Her tears slowed as she stopped for a second, giving the deep blue dodge challenger a very confused look. This wasn't Elliot's old jeep.

Fin's look mirrored Olivia's. They both looked at him in question.

" _Midlife crisis… I can't help it,_ " Elliot stated while opening the front passenger door for Olivia to get in. Only, she didn't sit down. Instead, she grabbed the handle of the seat, pushing it forward so she could get in the back.

Fin was confused until he felt her tug on his hand, signaling for him to get in the back seat with her. For all he knew, he had just been helping her to Elliot's car but apparently, he was going to ride with them.

As Fin set down and adjusted the passenger seat in front of him, Olivia wasted no time in laying down in the back seat and plopping her head in his lap, opting to face forward.

Elliot got in the driver's side and glanced back at them but Olivia's eyes were shut. Her tears had completely stopped now and her eyes were closed. Fin's legs were cramped in the backseat but he didn't care.

The scene behind him worried Elliot greatly. He'd never seen Olivia like this in all their twelve years of knowing each other. He'd never seen her so frail. He could tell she'd lost weight and was more pale than ever before.

Elliot started the engine and they began their journey to her apartment.

Unfortunately, the radio came on when the car started. It wasn't blaring but it was turned up for all of them to hear.

"… _not found guilty on attempted rape nor attempted murder. That's right people, the jury has deemed that NYPD Detective Olivia Benson was not sexually assaulted or in danger of being raped, nor was her life in danger_ -"

Olivia made some kind of noise from the back seat and Elliot turned off the radio as soon as he could.

He let out a frustrated sigh. Elliot had forgotten that he had had the radio on the news station earlier. He'd seen her squad enter the courthouse much earlier in the day and had decided against going in. In hopes of keeping up with the trial, he had turned on the news channel in the car as he sat outside the courthouse.

Olivia had buried her face in her arms that rested on top of Fin's lap as she lay in the backseat. She was shaking slightly. Fin ran his fingers through her hair in an attempt to calm her.

The entire ride was silent except for Olivia's sniffles every now and then.

When they finally arrived at Olivia's apartment, Elliot went ahead and pulled into the parking garage next door. Both men were planning on walking Olivia up and possibly staying with her until they knew she was okay.

Elliot parked and got out, walking to the passenger door. He opened it and pulled the seat up for Fin to get out. Olivia pulled herself from Fin's lap, wiping any leftover tears from her face, and waited. Once Fin had stepped out of the car, he turned around to give her a hand which she gratefully took, and made a mental note to talk to Elliot about his two-door midlife crisis purchase.

Olivia began the walk to her building and she felt both men come up beside her, one on each side.

" _I'm fine,_ " she told them and kept walking.

They slacked up but stayed in her vicinity in case she collapsed again.

Olivia refused to make eye contact with Fin or Elliot as they waited for the elevator to arrive. She wanted to stop them from walking her up but she knew it'd be a losing battle. Elliot was silently thankful that she'd finally moved into a building with an elevator.

The ride up was quiet and so was the walk to her door. Olivia fished for her keys in her pocket. Once she'd found them, she tried to put her apartment key in her door. She was still shaking and after the third failed attempt, she stopped and leaned her forehead on the door.

Olivia felt hands lightly grasp her waist, moving her over to the side. It was Elliot.

" _Here, I got it…_ " Fin told her, grabbing the keys from her and unlocking the door.

Fin opened the door and stood out of the way so Elliot and Olivia could enter. Elliot's hands had dropped from her waist and she had taken off inside towards the living room.

She stopped and looked around her apartment. She hadn't cleaned and Fin was the last one that had been here, and that had been days ago. She'd moved herself back to the couch since he'd left so there sat her comforter and pillows in the living room again.

Elliot made it to the living room and stopped beside her. He was staring and she knew exactly what he was looking at. The empty wine bottles. There were three, two were standing up on the coffee table and one was laying on its side. She could tell he hadn't spotted the other thing yet and she was praying he wouldn't. Why couldn't she have just cleaned up before she left?

And then there it was, his eyebrows shot up in surprise as his eyes landed on it. The tall, clear bottle with blue writing that had a small bit of liquid still left inside. It had been slightly behind the coffee table, on the floor next to the couch.

" _Liv?_ " Elliot looked to her in question. They could both hear Fin at the door, shutting it and locking the latches.

Olivia looked away in a mixture of guilt and disgust.

Elliot walked closer to her. " _Vodka?_ " He asked, moving around to make her meet his eyes. " _Hey, you can't do this…_ " She looked up at him, her tears were back, brimming in her eyes. He licked his lips as he looked around, thinking about what his next words should be before looking back at her. Her tears fell.

" _I'm sorry…_ " she whispered to him. " _I…_ " she was at a loss for words. Elliot engulfed her in a hug immediately. His strong arms came up around her shoulders, laying one hand on her back and one behind her head. She returned the grasp, hugging his waist and resting her head on his shoulder.

Fin came through then, he glanced at them, then at the wine bottles. He made a face that only Elliot could see but when he saw the vodka bottle, he shook his head. Fin walked over to the clear bottle beside the couch and picked it up. Olivia's face was pressed hard into Elliot's chest as he held her. She could hear Fin walking but didn't know exactly what he was doing. Her suspicions were confirmed when she heard liquid going down the sink in the kitchen. Fin was pouring out the little bit of vodka that she had left.

" _I'm gonna make us some tea…_ " Fin called to them. He knew she liked tea sometimes and that it calmed her. He almost laughed at himself because he sounded like a modern housewife. He made a mental note to joke about it with her later, he knew she'd find it funny.

Elliot pulled back and she moved back from him, wiping her face.

" _Go ahead and change,_ " he told her. " _I'm gonna help Fin, then we're gonna bring your pillows and comforter back in your room._ "

She wanted to argue but she didn't have the energy. She nodded at him in understanding and headed to her room, shutting the door behind her so she could put on some sweats.

Elliot grabbed the empty wine bottles from the living room and took them to the trash can in the kitchen.

He stood there propped against the counter watching Fin hover over the kettle on the stove.

Fin gave him a look.

" _You don't think a black man knows how to make tea?_ " He questioned, a light tone of humor in his voice. They both needed that right now.

Elliot smiled with his answer. " _I know you can make tea, Fin._ "

They were silent for a moment. There were muffled sounds of dresser drawers opening like Olivia was hunting for clothes to wear.

" _She was asking for you this morning,_ " Fin told him in a hushed voice so Olivia wouldn't hear.

Elliot brought his eyebrows together and moved closer to Fin so they could talk in private.

" _She didn't say anything…_ " Elliot told him.

" _It's Olivia, man._ " Fin replied. " _You know she's not gonna say nothin'._ "

Elliot nodded his head in agreement.

" _She's in a bad way… she's been having trouble sleeping. If I had to guess, I'd say that's what the vodka was for…_ " Fin told Elliot, who shook his head in agreement again.

" _She can't go down this road, Fin,_ " Elliot told him. " _Vodka… it was her mother's drink. If this thing with Lewis doesn't break her, this,_ " Elliot said, pointing at the empty bottle in the sink, " _…this will._ "

" _I know, man._ " Fin told him, moving to take the hot water off the stove. " _I stayed a few nights over here the past two weeks…_ "

" _How was she?_ "

" _She was okay when I was here…. She had a one bad night, but other than that she was alright for the most part…_ " Fin told him.

" _No vodka?_ " Elliot questioned.

" _No vodka._ " Fin replied. " _It's gotta be a new habit she picked up…_ "

" _Hmm…_ " Elliot said in thought.

Fin fixed the tea. He reached up in her cupboard and grabbed one of her NYPD mugs, filling it for her.

Elliot saw Fin had only grabbed one mug.

" _What? No tea for me?_ " He questioned with a smile.

" _Man,_ " Fin rolled his eyes. " _You know damn well you don't drink hot tea, Stabler._ "

Elliot laughed and even thought Fin didn't, he found it sort of humorous too.

 **Hope you like it, I'll try to get another chapter soon. Also, I haven't thought about asking but how do y'all feel about the dialog being in italics? I know it's not correct, but when I write, it helps me to put them that way so I can follow along and make changes or corrections to the story. I re-read it many times before I post it and italics helps me see it better. How do y'all feel about it?**

 **Thoughts on this chapter?**


	11. Chapter 11

**Thanks for the reviews. Keep them coming!**

Olivia had managed to change into a pair of dark grey sweat pants and a light grey, v-neck t-shirt. Her head hurt and her mind was racing. She couldn't stop thinking about the trial. She wasn't sure how long Elliot and Fin had planned on staying and she couldn't decide if she wanted them to leave or not.

The bedroom door opened and out she came. Olivia bypassed the kitchen where Fin was and went straight to the living room to collect her two pillows and comforter for her bed.

She heard the toilet flush and looked up to Elliot exiting the bathroom. With two pillows under one arm and a fist full of comforter bunched under her other, she headed off to her bedroom with the intent of getting in bed but she stopped when she saw what Elliot had in his hand.

It was an empty vodka bottle, slightly smaller than the one that had been by the couch but she knew exactly where he had gotten it. It had been in the mini trashcan in the guest bathroom.

Elliot stared at her as he walked over and sat the empty bottle on the counter. He crossed his arms and leaned back against the counter beside the bottle. Fin eyed the bottle but stayed quiet.

Elliot cleared his throat, causing her to look him in the eye.

" _How bad is it?_ " He asked cautiously, remembering how during their previous two meetings she had told him she was doing alright, and had even managed to crack a few jokes. Clearly, that had been a cover.

She bit her lip and shut her eyes. Fin continued to listen in as he was cleaning up in the kitchen where he had made tea.

" _It's not that bad, El._ " She told him honestly. She was being truthful. It wasn't too bad. She'd just had a bad two weeks, she'd lost control of herself and her body. She couldn't sleep or eat. So, she'd picked up a bad habit of alcohol to help her sleep but she'd chosen her mother's drink on purpose. She hadn't known why, maybe it was a psychological thing, maybe it was her internally torturing herself because it's what Lewis had shoved down her throat for almost four solid days.

Elliot was quiet in thought, trying to decide if she was telling the truth.

Fin turned around to face her while leaning back against the sink and wiping his hands on one of her dish towels.

" _Do I need to worry about the other thing?_ " Fin asked her strongly. This caught Elliot's attention.

" _What other thing?_ " He asked in question.

Olivia ignored Elliot and continued talking to Fin while she walked over to the hallway wall and propped herself there.

" _I can't believe you just asked me that…_ " She told him in disbelief, swallowing hard. It wasn't because Elliot was there. She would have told him eventually but it was because she couldn't believe Fin would think she would ever stoop to doing drugs... meth of all things.

Elliot's eyes were alert and his ears were perked. He was fully aware that there was something Fin knew about that he didn't. He was going to stay quiet and listen in.

" _Baby girl,_ " Fin stated, as he tossed the dish towel on the counter and made his way over to her, leaning against the wall in front of her and facing her as he crossed his arms over his chest. Elliot stayed in position. " _I need to know…_ " he trailed off.

" _No. God, no._ " She told him, looking him point blank in the eyes. " _You don't EVER have to worry about it, I swear Fin…_ " She told him. Her eyes were watering again. All she could think about was how first the jury doubted her and now her friends were starting to doubt her too.

" _Aight…_ " he told her, " _Go ahead and get in bed. I'ma bring you some tea in a minute._ "

Olivia took a big breath and headed to her room with the comforter and pillows. There was too much thick tension in the room, not to mention Fin had basically just outted her to Elliot. She knew his intentions were good and she didn't even mind, but now she'd have to give Elliot an explanation.

She left the door cracked as an invitation for them if they wanted to enter. She got her pillows situated on the bed and then fixed the comforter. She made sure to plug her phone into the charger on the night stand before completely immersing herself under the covers.

Fin had walked back over to the kitchen, taking her NYPD mug and putting it in the microwave for a couple of minutes, noting that her tea had gotten slightly cold as they had waited on her to change clothes.

" _Fin…_ " Elliot started.

" _I can't tell you, man…_ " Fin told him. " _You gotta ask her…"_

Elliot nodded his head in understanding and leaned up, preparing to go enter her room.

" _Hey,_ " Fin called to him. " _Let me take her the tea… let me talk to her for a sec, then I'm outta here._ "

Elliot thought for a second, " _You sure? You don't have to leave just because I'm here…_." He told Fin.

Fin appreciated the gesture. " _Thanks, but just trust me on this…_ " Elliot nodded his head, went to sit down on the couch.

Knocking lightly on Olivia's cracked bedroom door, he opened it wider and then shut it behind him. There was a small lamp on the side table that was turned on. It was dim, but it was just enough light to be able to see the room.

While Olivia was completely under the covers, he could tell she was laying on the left side of the bed.

" _I got your tea, Liv,_ " he said, walking over and sitting on the side of her bed.

Olivia emerged out from under the covers, sitting up and pulling her knees to her chest.

" _Odafin Tutuola made me tea?_ " She asked with a small smile even though it was clear she'd been crying.

He rolled his eyes and made a face while handing her the NYPD mug. She took it gratefully and began to sip the warm liquid.

" _Where's Elliot?_ " She asked in between sips.

" _On the couch…_ " Fin replied. " _Told him I'd come talk to you then be gone… unless you want me to stay?_ " He questioned even though he already knew the answer.

" _No, no… it's fine._ " She promised him. " _Go do stuff, I'm sure you having things to do, errands to run, and-_ "

Fin cut her off, " _You're rambling, Liv._ " He told her. " _What's going on?_ " he asked.

Olivia stayed quiet and looked down.

This wasn't right, almost nothing that had happened today was right.

She'd been through a lot today. Today had almost been the worst day of her life. It would have been if you didn't count the four days she'd spent with Lewis.

" _It wasn't the outcome I had wanted, Fin... with the verdicts_ " Olivia told him while she gazed at her half empty mug of tea.

" _I know,_ " he acknowledged quietly.

" _They didn't believe me…_ " She told him, sniffling as tear swarmed her eyes again for what seemed like the millionth time today.

" _Hey…_ " He called to her softly, " _Don't do this to yourself… I believe you, Elliot believes you, our squad believes you, everyone at the one-six, Melinda…_ " Fin listed off names of people that believed her, people that had her back.

She swallowed hard but stayed silent. " _We all know what a sadist Lewis is and that he did some fucked up things to you…_ " He told her.

She reached over to set the now empty mug on the side table and Fin pulled her into a hug.

" _Everything's gonna be fine,_ " He whispered to her. " _That son-of-a-bitch is getting' twenty-five to life in prison. He's gonna die in there…_ "

She pulled back and wiped her face.

" _I know it didn't go down how you wanted it to, but we did it. He's going to prison._ " Fin told he lightly.

He stood up and leaned down to give her a kiss on the head and grab her empty cup.

" _You need anything before I go?_ " Fin asked.

" _No,_ " she replied, sinking back down and curling up while pulling the covers to her chin. She rolled over to face the opposite side of the bed that was empty.

" _Fin?_ " She hesitated. He stopped as he was pulling the door open. She could tell from his shadow that he'd turned his head to look in her direction. " _…thanks_ " she told him.

" _You got it._ " He said lightly, then he was gone, leaving her door cracked just the way she'd had it previously.

Olivia could hear the two men talking but she couldn't make out what they were saying. She figured they were talking about her then exchanging goodbyes.

The front door shut and she knew Fin was gone. Now, she waited on Elliot to make his entrance.

After a few minutes, she heard a soft knock on the door.

" _You can come in, El._ " She told him, not bothering to roll over to face him.

She heard him walk in and shut the door behind him. Elliot must have figured she wasn't going to roll over to face him because he walked around to the empty side of the bed and stared at her.

When he stayed silent, she reached out and patted the empty bed space beside her, giving him the okay to join her.

Elliot toed off his shoes and laid down on top of the covers on his back. He was in jeans and a t-shirt. He crossed his legs and propped both arms behind his head. Olivia lay under the covers to his left.

" _Liv…_ " He started and she instinctively pushed her face into her pillow even though she was already laying on her right side facing him.

" _I know…_ " She told him. She knew where he was going with this conversation and it would take all her strength.

" _Vodka?_ " he questioned just like he had before.

Olivia let out a frustrated breath. How did she become like this?

Elliot stared at the ceiling. He pressed his lips together in a thin line and took a deep breath.

" _I won't let you spiral like this… I won't let you… become your mother._ " He told her in a whisper.

His words stung. She knew she was nowhere near being her mother right now. Well… she adjusted her phrasing inside her head. Alcohol wise, she wasn't close to being her mother, sexual assault wise, she was almost there… The whole thought process almost made her sick to her stomach.

" _I'm going to be okay, El._ " She told him as she brought her face out of the pillow and gazed at him. He turned his head to meet her eyes.

" _This other thing that Fin's talking about…_ " he stated. " _It's gotta be worse than alcohol from the way he talked…_ " he said trailing off in thought. He didn't want to push her but he wanted to know.

He was scared. Every time she said she was okay, he felt like it was a lie. She'd just gotten the shock of her life. She had nearly collapsed at the courthouse. Olivia Benson was doing what she did best, deflect and pretend that everything was okay. And when it all got to be too much, she would break down completely, just as she did at the courthouse earlier.

" _What's the other thing?_ " He asked, looking at her. She stared right back at him and huffed.

" _Your detective skills disintegrated that quickly?_ " she asked, arching an eyebrow.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and turned his stare back to the ceiling. " _Dugs,_ " he whispered.

" _Guess you still got it,_ " she said silently trying to make a joke but it fell flat.

His eyes closed tight at her admission to his answer being correct. It was almost like it physically hurt him. He couldn't picture Olivia Benson doing drugs. God, he couldn't see her snorting cocaine or shooting up. Marijuana he could see maybe, but he knew Fin didn't really have a problem with weed and wouldn't have made a big deal about it if it had been that.

As silence engulfed them, Elliot brought his right hand from behind his head to pinch the bridge between his eyes. It's like he physically started to hurt from just the thought of her doing something hardcore. All the sudden his throat was bone dry.

She was silent for a reason. Olivia was giving Elliot time to process what he'd just heard, then she'd answer his questions.

Elliot suddenly sat up and threw his legs over the side of the bed, he sat with his back to her.

" _Don't leave_ ," She begged him quietly. He turned around to look at her and saw that she had panic etched on her face.

" _I'm not,_ " he promised her, leaning over to give her left hand that had been resting on top of the covers a squeeze. " _I'm going to get some water. Then I'm going to come back here and we're gonna continue to talk, okay?_ "

She swallowed and nodded.

He swiftly went to the kitchen and got two glasses of water, deciding to bring her one too. As he came back to the bedroom, he sat her glass down on the nightstand beside her. Elliot took a few swallows from his glass then sat it down on the nightstand beside the side of the bed he was currently going to occupy.

Elliot resumed his position on the bed, only this time he turned on his right side to face her.

" _Talk to me…_ " he asked her, looking into her eyes. " _Please._ " He added in a whisper.

She took a deep breath and licked her lips before she spoke. " _Lewis had me for four days, vodka wasn't the only thing he pumped me full of…_ "

Olivia took another deep breath and tried to will herself not to cry as her eyes filled with water during her next statement. " _Elliot, I was hooked on meth…_ " He basically felt his world stop.

Elliot maintained his stare and reached out to grab her hand, squeezing it for support and urging her to continue.

" _He shot me up with meth, between my toes… I was in the hospital for so long after being rescued because I was in detox…_ " As she talked, his face looked like he was physically in pain.

" _That wasn't brought up in court…_ " Elliot stated.

" _I had it set to where it couldn't be. The victims' rights laws, I used them to seal that part and keep it confidential…_ " She told him.

" _You told Fin?_ " He questioned.

" _No…Fin knows people, he found out on his own… wanted to make sure I wasn't hiding anything or leaving anything out like I did with Sealview…_ " She told him.

Elliot was deep in thought. He was trying to decide if what Fin had done was right or wrong. On one hand, he had invaded her privacy and probably broken the law. On the other hand, he was doing what he thought was best for Olivia and trying to watch out for her.

" _You promise this isn't something we need to worry about?_ " he hesitated in question.

Olivia huffed. " _El, I in no way what-so-ever have the urge to do meth._ " She told him honestly.

" _But you have the urge to drink?_ "

" _I've never understood my mother more than I do right now…_ " She told him as her tears finally fell, making their way down to the pillow.

His heart broke for her. He knew that wasn't good. She didn't need to understand her mother in that way. Serena had started drinking to cope with her sexual assault. Olivia didn't need to do the same.

He pulled her in for a hug, it's all he knew to do. She gratefully accepted. They never pulled back. He rolled to lay flat on his back again, she laid her head on his shoulder and got comfortable beside him even though she was under the covers and he was still on top.

" _We haven't done this in a while…_ " he stated, commenting on how they were laying and how close they were.

" _Yeah, I think last time was when I was sick and you offered to nurse me back to health with a movie night…_ " her tears had stopped and she laughed at the memory. It had turned out she'd had the flu and had ended up getting Elliot sick. With five kids at home, and one being a baby, Kathy had told Elliot he needed to stay away because everyone would get sick and it wasn't healthy for the baby. He'd understood of course and was going to sleep in the cribs but Olivia wouldn't have it. Especially since she'd been the one to get him sick. They'd stayed at her place for a few nights. He'd occupied one couch while she'd occupied the other. Munch had ended up bringing them soup.

" _Kathy almost killed me for giving you the flu,_ " Olivia smiled.

She could feel Elliot's breathing as her head lay on his chest.

" _She's been worried about you, you know?_ " He told her.

" _Kathy?_ " Olivia asked in surprise.

" _Yeah, she kept up with the news when everything was happening. She was worried sick. So was Kathleen…_ " Elliot replied.

" _Oh no,_ " Olivia remarked. " _Elliot, don't tell me all of your kids saw the news, watched the things they were saying about me and Lewis?_ "

" _I'm sorry…Only Kathleen and Maureen saw I think. If Dickie did, he hasn't said anything and Katie doesn't watch TV. Eli is still all about kid shows, we would have kept it from him anyways. TV time is always monitored._ " Elliot told her.

Olivia huffed, closed her eyes, and pushed her face into his shoulder. " _I didn't want them to see me like that…_ "

" _I know,_ " he whispered to her, moving his left arm around her back to hug her tightly.

" _Oh, God,_ " she exclaimed, moving her head back out of his shoulder. " _They're gonna hear the verdicts… Elliot, they're gonna think I lied… I don't know what's worse, people knowing I was sexually assaulted, or people thinking I lied about being sexually assaulted…_ "

" _Hey, no…_ " He told her forcefully. " _My family knows you Olivia, they know better than that…_ "

" _I hate this,_ " Olivia told him.

" _I know…_ " he replied.

" _Sounds like you're getting along with Kathy_ ," Olivia stated, trying to change the subject off herself.

" _Yeah, it's a much more peaceful divorce than I thought it'd be… I think we work better as friends to be honest._ " Elliot told her. He knew what Olivia was doing. She was trying to assess his situation, scope out to see if he and Kathy were drifting back together. " _I'm not getting back together with her, Liv…ever,_ " he stated silently, and she noted that his grasp on her tightening slightly.

Olivia was silent. She wasn't ready for this conversation with him yet. She didn't want to talk about feelings or the "love" confession they'd had when they reunited weeks ago. It wasn't the time nor the place.

" _Elliot…_ " She said in a small voice. " _I'm scared…_ "

Olivia didn't have to be specific, he knew what she was referring to. She was talking about everything she'd just went through. Olivia's body had healed but her mind had not.

" _I know,_ " he whispered back. " _But I meant what I said earlier…"_ he told her faithfully. _"I won't let you spiral out of control, neither will Fin._ "

She stayed silent so he continued to speak. " _You have a whole squad of people backing you up and I won't let you turn into Serena… She didn't have anyone in her corner and that was one of her biggest problems…_ " He stated, recalling almost everything that Olivia had told him about her mother.

" _Can you stay?_ " she boldly asked, wrapping her arms around his midsection.

" _I wasn't planning on leaving you alone today, Liv._ " He told her, kissing the top of her head. " _You have me until at least tomorrow afternoon._ "

" _El?_ " She questioned one more time.

" _Yeah?_ " He answered.

" _There's an unopened bottle of vodka under the kitchen sink… I need you to get rid of it for me…_ " She said in the smallest voice possible.

" _Consider it done,_ " he replied.

 **Thoughts or suggestions? What do you want to see next?**


	12. Chapter 12

**I realized in the previous chapter when I was talking about Elliot's kids, I put Katie when I really had meant Lizzy. Sorry about that.**

Elliot laid on the bed with Olivia until she had finally drifted off to sleep. Her breathing evened out and he stayed still a while longer to ensure that she had truly fallen asleep.

Slowly, he eased himself out of her grasp. She moved a bit but was still asleep. He tucked the covers in around her and lightly walked to the bedroom door. Elliot gently opened it and shut it behind him softly so he didn't wake her.

It was around six or seven o'clock he guessed, but he wouldn't be surprised if she slept through the night. He could tell she had been exhausted.

Elliot entered the kitchen and did just as he promised. Searched under the sink, he found the unopened vodka bottle and began to pour it down the drain. He stopped briefly, taking a deep breath and tensing his shoulders as he took a few swallows, then continued pouring. Olivia was asleep, she wouldn't know and he just wanted a shot or two of something. Today had been hell on him too, on all of them, it was just Olivia who had it the worst.

He made a mental note to drink some coffee before she woke up, just in case she smelled vodka on him. Then again, he could just say he spilled some but she was a detective, she wasn't stupid.

Turning around, he didn't want to risk it so he prepared the coffee maker and set it to make coffee.

Elliot walked into the living room and gathered all the empty wine bottles, glasses, and cups that she'd had in there. Olivia wasn't a trashy person. She didn't like a mess, this wasn't her. Usually, she'd keep her place clean unless she was preoccupied or not feeling well. Elliot decided depression counted as not feeling well.

He heard the coffee maker start making noises, signaling that it had heated up the water and was about to begin pouring hot coffee into the pot. As Elliot took the bottles to the big trashcan in the kitchen, he made a point to check the other cabinets and the refrigerator. It's not that he didn't believe Olivia, he just wanted to double check and make sure he hadn't missed any other vodka bottles that she might have forgotten about. He didn't find any though. All he found was a half-bottle of bourbon.

He left the bottle there. Elliot knew she only drank bourbon after cases that had been exceptionally hard. In fact, he recognized it as the same bottle he'd seen at her old apartment years ago because the label was slightly torn at the bottom, which meant she didn't get into it that often.

Elliot pulled the nearly full trash bag out of the trashcan and began to tie it, retrieving another one from under the sink to put in the trashcan. He then went and straightened up the living room a bit more, putting the couch pillows in place and folding the throw blanket.

Walking back to the kitchen, he heard a loud bump and then a low groan.

Curious, he slowly walked to the bedroom door, opening it slowly, and entering with caution.

" _Liv?_ " He asked, giving her a questioning glance after he saw her on the floor tangled in the comforter.

Her eyes met his and she let out a frustrated breath.

" _Bad dream?_ " Elliot asked her as he reached out to give her a hand. She grabbed it and let him pull her up. She grabbed the comforter once she was standing and threw it on the bed.

" _They were under control until the trial started…_ " She told him.

" _I see…_ " He replied, nodding his head. He knew it had been more of a nightmare than a dream.

Olivia turned to pass him, she was headed for the bathroom but she stopped in her tracks when she passed in front of him. They were inches apart.

She cocked her eyebrow and tilted her head slightly to the side. " _You drank my vodka?_ " Living with her mother, Olivia could smell vodka from miles away it seemed. There was undertoned humor in her statement. At least this meant she was feeling better than before.

Elliot swallowed and looking like a deer caught in headlights. He'd forgotten about drinking it and the coffee wasn't even ready yet.

Olivia snorted with a small laugh. " _We can't both have a drinking problem…_ " she told him lightly.

He was huffed in frustration. He didn't like how she joked about drinking sometimes.

" _You don't have a drinking problem, Liv._ " Elliot told her sternly. " _Your drinking just got out of hand for a few days but now you're back on track._ " He told her firmly.

" _I know…_ " she smiled at him gingerly. " _For the record, I don't care if you drink my vodka…the goal is for me not to…_ "

" _Well, it's gone now,_ " he told her.

Olivia raised her eyebrows in surprise, giving him another humorous face.

" _Down the sink, Liv_." He told her, being more clear. " _Jesus…_ " Elliot brought his left hand up behind his head, scratching.

" _Relax, El,_ " she told him.

" _It was only a couple swallows,_ " he told her quickly, " _Two shots, maybe. I'm not even buzzed._ "

" _Hey…_ " she became more serious, touching his upper arm. " _You don't have to explain drinking to me… I was just joking…_ "

He nodded his head in confirmation, sighing.

" _I need to joke about this… I need it to be a light topic, okay?_ " she asked him.

" _Alright._ " He moved out of her way so she could continue her journey to the bathroom. He went to check on the coffee.

After a few minutes, he went to the bedroom to check on her and heard the shower running so he decided to vacate her bedroom, shutting the door to give her some privacy.

She took a long shower, longer than he'd ever known her to take from when they were partners. He hoped to God she wasn't in there trying to scrub her skin clean. He knew it was common for sexual assault victims to become accustomed to taking long, hot showers daily. He didn't want that for her though.

When she finally emerged, she was in a gray v-cut t-shirt and blue plaid pajama bottoms. Her hair was still a bit wet but he could tell she had towel dried it. Her skin was a pinkish color, like she had scrubbed it more than she should have, but he was just glad it wasn't red and irritated like he'd seen previous victims'.

Elliot was leaning up against the counter with his coffee cup in his hand.

" _I made some coffee…_ " he told her.

" _Thanks._ " She replied.

Olivia made her way to the coffee maker and poured herself a cup. Elliot moved around to sit at the bar on the barstool. He sipped his coffee and watched her while she fixed her own. Then she opened her fridge, seemingly forgetting that she didn't grocery shop and hadn't since Fin had brought her some things. It was almost empty now with the exception of some milk and blue jello. Fin had gotten her the jello. She'd eaten a couple but it just wasn't her thing. Olivia knew he liked them though so she made it a point to keep them in her fridge for when he stayed over.

She shut the fridge with a huff and turned around, leaning on the counter and facing Elliot.

" _You got no food here_ ," he told her, giving her an expected look.

Olivia rolled her eyes.

" _I'm gonna order some Chinese…_ " she told him, grabbing her cell phone from her pocket. " _You want the usual?_ " she asked focusing on her phone.

Olivia stood there for a moment realizing what she'd just said. The usual. Oh God, they were falling back in synch.

" _I'm just going to order…_ " She said before he could answer her. She began to place their order over the phone as he sat and stared at her with his lips in a thin line. He knew why she'd paused. He'd heard her words slip.

" _It'll be here in twenty,_ " she told him once she hung up the phone.

Olivia looked down and saw the trash bag that was ready to be taken out. She then glanced behind him and saw her living room was clean.

" _You a maid in your new career?_ " she asked jokingly. She was trying to cut the tension.

Elliot laughed. " _No, no… just trying to help you out a bit._ " He told her.

" _Thanks…_ " She said, heading to the living room to sit down on the couch.

He finished his coffee and put his empty cup beside hers in the sink. Then headed to the living room to join her. Elliot chose to sit at the opposite end of the couch as her.

" _You okay?_ " he asked as they waited for the food.

" _I'm fine,_ " she told him, not even looking in his direction. She was focused on the TV, absently flipping through the channels while it was muted.

" _You know you're famous by those two words?_ " he asked her. " _Literally everyone at the one-six knows you say those words immediately when you are lying about how you're feeling or lying about if you're okay._ " Elliot told her.

She looked at him giving him an annoyed look.

" _You're so paying for the Chinese food when it arrives…_ " She told him with disdain.

Elliot smiled. He'd already been planning to pay for their food anyways.

" _Don't believe me? Ask Cragen or Fin…_ " He continued.

She ignored him. Olivia wasn't really feeling up to talking about her feelings today. She'd already confessed so much to him and she hadn't really planned on having him back in her life permanently.

" _I know, El._ " She told him softly. " _It's my worst kept secret. Nick figured it out within a month of being my partner._ " She laughed at the memory.

Her words stung Elliot. It hurt him to think of her with a new partner even now, but he knew it would happen. He'd been gone almost three years.

" _I saw him at the court house, seemed like a good guy._ " Elliot told her.

" _He's good police._ " She replied with a smile. " _It was hard without you at first. I refused to work with other people and gave Cragen a hard time._ " Olivia confessed. It didn't surprise Elliot though. He knew it'd be tough on her and he knew how her moods could be.

Guilt covered his face.

" _I'm not trying to make you feel bad, El._ " She told him honestly, turning her body towards him and getting comfy on the couch. " _I was just telling you what happened after you'd left._ "

" _I know,_ " he said softly. " _And I wanna hear more of it."_ He promised her _. "Tell me about the newbies._ "

" _Well, Nick is Catholic, he's got a bad temper and kids, and his divorce should be almost finalized if it isn't already…_ "

" _Hmm…_ " Elliot replied.

" _Yep, he's basically a younger, hotter version of you._ " She stated, smiling at her own humor.

" _Ouch._ " Elliot said, making a face and placing a hand over his heart like he'd been hurt. She laughed.

" _What about the blonde at the courthouse?_ " He asked, assuming she was the other new detective.

" _Yeah, that's Amanda. She's from Georgia. I don't know much about her, we're not that close…_ " Olivia told him honestly.

" _She seemed nice._ " Elliot replied, looking to Olivia.

" _Yeah well sorry, you can't have her…_ " Olivia told him. " _She's fucking Nick._ "

" _Oh, wow._ " He replied with a surprised look and she laughed at his facial expression. " _Scandalous._ " He stated.

" _It will be if it gets out…_ " Olivia huffed. " _I've already warned Nick about it._ "

A while later, their Chinese food arrived. She didn't even move when there was a knock at the door. Elliot got up and paid for the food. He took it back the living room and sat it on the coffee table along with their drinks.

Olivia had indeed ordered what he usual got when they were partners and it was the same thing he liked now. He decided to let it go and not mention it. He didn't want to risk hurting her more than she was already hurting today.

When things were winding down and it was getting close to bed time, Elliot began making up the couch but Olivia stopped him.

" _No,_ " she told him.

" _Liv…_ " he started with a warning tone.

" _No._ " she stated more firmly. " _There's plenty of room in my bed for three people, there'll be enough room for us._ "

Olivia truly needed to get the guest bedroom set up. She just hadn't felt like it and she needed to buy the bed and mattress and all the crap that went with it. She'd been waiting until the trial was over.

He hesitated. " _You're okay with it?_ " he questioned. " _It won't be weird?_ "

" _Fin sleeps in bed with me when he stays, you can too._ " She stated boldly.

Elliot took a breath contemplating what he should say next.

" _You and Fin have never had feelings for each other…_ " he replied in a hushed tone.

Olivia swallowed.

" _Look, I was fine with you there earlier and I'll be fine now… I sleep better when I have someone with me… I don't know if it's the nightmares or flashbacks… I just…I…_ " She was trying so hard to explain herself. She didn't want Elliot to think she wanted anything romantic from him, she was just being honest. Her flashbacks had started again with the trial and so had her nightmares. Plus, the drinking. It was all too much for her. Olivia closed her eyes tight, willing herself not to get emotional. " _I just want a drink…_ " she whispered.

She kept her eyes shut and she felt his arms engulf her. Olivia breathed out slowly, resting her head on his shoulder. He held her for a few minutes.

" _It's alright, Liv…_ " he whispered to her. " _I got you, I swear._ " He promised.

" _It scares me, Elliot._ " She told him. " _All of it, Lewis, my mom, wanting a drink, the possibility of alcoholism…_ "

" _I'm right here, Liv._ " He promised. " _You don't have to be scared. I wasn't there for you before but I am now and I'm never leaving, not again, not like before._ "

She pulled back when she heard his words.

" _You plan on staying? In my life I mean?_ " She questioned seriously.

" _Yes._ " He replied. " _I know you don't have any blood family, the squad is your family. You're alone too much, it's most likely part of why the drinking started._ "

Olivia knew he was right. She hung her head low.

" _It's nothing to be ashamed of,_ " he added.

And with that, he coaxed her to the bedroom and put her in bed.

" _Check the closet, Brian left some clothes you can change into._ " She told him.

He entered the closet, looking around when a few articles of clothing caught his eyes.

" _How long you been collecting my hoodies?_ " he yelled from the closed.

Olivia smiled and rolled her eyes. She'd forgotten about them. For a long time after he left, she'd wear them around her apartment but once she started dating again, she'd stopped.

He reappeared in shorts and a t-shirt. Elliot and Brian were about the same size so the clothes fit well.

He climbed in bed but remained on top of the covers again. This time though, he had a blanket from the living room. Olivia noticed but didn't say anything. She figured it make him more comfortable to be on top of the covers.

It was completely dark as they both tried to drift off to sleep.

" _So…_ " Elliot started. " _I know you said the blonde was fucking Nick, but do you think it's serious? Because I mean, I feel like she'd be into me…._ "

He heard Olivia laugh lightly and felt a light slap on the side of his arm and he smiled.


	13. Chapter 13

**This is to the guest who reviewed the last chapter and talked about going through a personal struggle with their mental health issues: I've been there before, trust me, it sucks and it's hard. I voluntarily admitted myself into a mental health facility in the summer of 2012 between my first and second year of college. Make sure you try and surround yourself with support and safety whether that's through family and friends, tv, fanfiction, books, or whatever. I didn't have my family supporting me, I used tv shows as an escape from the real world to give myself a breather and had support from some of my former high school teachers. Taking this step for me was very scary. The facility only had one TV and it was in the group room. Everyone had to agree to watch the same thing or the staff would turn it off if an argument began. I walked into the group room on my first day after checking out my own assigned bedroom, and there were about 12 or 13 people watching TV. Olivia Benson's face was on the screen. It was the most serene feeling and I felt relief, like it was a sign that everything would be okay, that I would be okay. Here, almost 5 years later and I'm okay. I don't have a lot of family support still but I have the most amazing therapist/psychiatrist that I see every 3 months or so just to keep myself in check.**

 **Sorry for the sob story, here's the chapter:**

The next morning, Olivia had woken up to the realization that she'd slept almost the entire night with the exception of waking up once to go to the bathroom. It was the first time that'd happened in a while. She was thankful but also hoped it wasn't because Elliot had been with her. She knew she slept better with someone there, but she didn't want to get to dependent on other people.

She got up and made her way to the bathroom, noticing Elliot wasn't in her room anymore.

After she had used the restroom and freshened up, she grabbed her phone, putting it in her pocket and made her way out of her room and saw Elliot on the couch. He was watching football and drinking a beer.

Olivia walked over to him slowly, her mouth slightly hanging open. When she finally came into his view, he turned his head to his left to look at her.

She crossed her arms over her chest and cocked an eyebrow, " _Making yourself at home?_ " she asked him.

Elliot gave her a small smile and tilted his head, waiting for her next statement.

" _Where'd you get that?_ " she asked, nodding her head at the beer in his hand.

" _Fin,_ " he replied like it should have been obvious.

" _Fin was here?_ " she asked, letting her arms fall to her side.

" _Yeah, a little while ago… brought me beer for having the guts to put up with you…_ " He joked and she rolled her eyes. Fin knew what Olivia was like when she was sick and he also knew Elliot had had his share of days taking care of her when she was sick when they were partners. While Olivia wasn't physically sick right now, she was still down for the count and from staying with her several days over the past two weeks, Fin knew she could be a pain in the ass at times. He loved her all the same though.

Olivia glanced at the clock and noted it was past noon. Dang, she'd slept way later than she originally thought. " _Is that right?_ " She replied, giving Elliot the full-on Benson stare.

He knew that look. " _He brought you breakfast from a diner he said you liked, it's in the fridge…_ " he told her. " _Beer's in there too, grab one if you want…_ "

He eyed her to gauge her response.

She pressed her lips together and swallowed hard. " _I… that's probably not the best idea…_ " she told him.

Olivia locked eyes with him and he saw her fear.

" _Hey,_ " he started. " _Our goal is to keep you away from the vodka and for you to not get drunk, okay? Maybe stay away from the hard stuff right now._ " Elliot told her firmly. " _A beer or two will be okay, if that's what you want… and if it makes you feel better, I'll take them with me when I leave._ " He promised.

Elliot needed to give her the option to drink, especially while he was there and could monitor her. She wasn't an alcoholic and she didn't need to stop drinking, she just needed to stay away from vodka period. Even when he or Fin wasn't there, she'd be able to drink, so he needed to make the circumstances the same.

Olivia nodded and her eyes left his. She headed to the kitchen to see what Fin had put in her fridge.

It was her favorite: scrambled eggs with cheese, hash browns, maple bacon, and some apple jelly for toast. Olivia put the food in the microwave to heat it. She saw a fresh bag of bread on the counter and took a double take of her refrigerator. It had food now, milk, eggs, little odds and ends. The freezer had some frozen meals, pizzas, and hot pockets.

Olivia rolled her eyes. She dared to check the cabinet. When she did, she saw several boxes of cereal, macaroni and cheese, canned goods, and other things.

" _Elliot!_ " she yelled over the microwave.

He turned around to look in her direction and she pointed to the open cabinet.

" _Wasn't me…_ " He replied, shrugging his shoulders and turning back to the game on the TV.

The microwave beeped. She took her food out and grabbed a glass to pour herself some milk. To her delight, she saw chocolate syrup had also been added to her fridge. She grabbed it. This was all Fin. Olivia didn't even drink chocolate milk until she'd started hanging out with Fin more after Elliot had left. That's also how Fin knew what her favorite breakfast was.

She grabbed her freshly made chocolate milk and food, and went to join Elliot on the couch.

She didn't sit directly beside him, but she wasn't on the other end of the couch either. Olivia sat her chocolate milk on the coaster on the coffee table and began to eat.

Elliot looked at her with a small smile on his face.

" _What?_ " she asked him after she'd swallowed the food in her mouth.

" _Your favorite breakfast meal has changed and you're drinking chocolate milk…_ " he observed.

" _I am…_ " she replied slyly.

He was sad that he had missed some changes in her life but he tried not to let it show.

" _It's good to see you eating, Liv._ " He told her honestly.

She rolled her eyes. Olivia knew he was right. She'd lost weight over the past few months, not because she was trying to but because she couldn't make herself eat. The whole thing with Lewis was killing her almost physically.

" _Anyways,_ " she ignored his comment. " _Sorry I slept late, what did Fin have to say?_ " she questioned then took another bite of her eggs.

" _It's fine, you needed sleep…_ " Elliot replied. " _And Fin just wanted to check on you… he was relieved to know you were sleeping._ "

" _He's gotta stop buying me groceries…_ " she said before taking another bite. " _And you didn't have to tell on me, you rat…_ " she added with her partially full mouth.

Elliot smiled and shook his head. " _Someone's gotta get you groceries if you refuse to get them yourself…_ " he stated, looking at her.

Olivia swallowed her food and took a sip of her chocolate milk.

" _It wasn't that I was refusing to get groceries,_ " she told him. " _I just wasn't hungry, I didn't have an appetite…_ " she replied. " _You know how it is for victims after…_ " she trialed off looking down at her food. If she wasn't careful, she was going to cause herself to lose her appetite again.

" _I know…_ " he told her with loving eyes.

" _Anyways,_ " she said, changing the subject. " _How are you able to be here? You're not missing work?_ " she questioned. " _I haven't even asked you what you do for a living now…_ "

" _I have a very lenient boss…_ " Elliot continued, not looking at her.

He wasn't being very talkative about his career, Olivia noticed.

Olivia had a terrible thought that crossed her mind and she swallowed even though there wasn't any food currently in her mouth.

" _Elliot,_ " she called to him. Her tone got his attention and he turned to his right to look at her. " _I swear to God, if you are still a cop, a detective that's just at another precinct…_ " she trailed off.

" _What? No! God no…_ " he told her quickly, putting her mind at ease.

" _When I left you, I left the job too… for good. After the Jenna stuff… just no, that was it for me._ " Elliot told her.

She let out a breath that she'd been holding and closed her eyes. They were drifting together again and the last thing she needed was to find out some piece of information like that. Even though William Lewis was going to prison, she still felt like half the world was on her shoulders.

" _It's just… it's stupid._ " He told her honestly.

" _Tell me,_ " she urged him.

" _I'm my own boss… I got my private investigator's licensure…_ " he told her.

Olivia smiled.

" _I told you it was stupid,_ " he said, pressing his lips together and making a face.

" _It's not stupid…_ " she told him. " _Congratulations…_ "

" _Yeah, well it pays the bills and the child support…_ " He trailed off.

They sat in silence with the game playing in the background. Elliot was never super into football but he did enjoy watching it. He finished his beer and went to throw it away, picking up her empty plate from the coffee table and putting it in the sink. He decided against getting another and retreated to the couch.

"Thanks," she mumbled.

It was a nice medium they had settled into. She tried not to feel awkward with Elliot so comfortable at her apartment. He'd always been comfortable at her home, but that was her old apartment. She wasn't going to lie, it had been odd to have him back in her life after years. It was different. She was different, and so was he. Olivia had been so broken when he'd left, but right before he came back into her life, another man had broken her in a much worse way.

Maybe that's why it was easier for Olivia to forgive Elliot and let him in, it was a lot easier than she thought it'd be. She still had walls up, she still had boundaries but sometimes she felt naked because her emotions were showing and that's something the she had rarely let him see when they were partners.

Olivia's phone rang.

" _Benson,_ " she said.

Elliot glanced at her and then back at the TV.

" _Barba… yeah, alright. Yean, Maloni's…. seven thirty. I'll be there, thanks._ " She replied and hung up. It was a short conversation but then again, Rafael Barba wasn't a man of many words.

" _Your D.A.?_ " Elliot questioned.

" _Yeah, he says he wants to meet me at Maloni's tonight. I don't know if he wants to talk about one of SVU's cases or my case…_ " she replied.

" _You gonna be okay at the bar?_ " He asked honestly.

" _I'm not going to drink,_ " she told him firmly.

Elliot narrowed his eyes at here, coaxing out a more honest answer.

" _I'm not going to drink vodka._ " She replied softly. Olivia herself hadn't even realized her own lie. That wasn't good.

" _I'd stick with beer…_ " He suggested with a small smile and knowing look.

" _I'm going to stick with beer._ " She repeated his words for herself out loud.

" _If you need me or Fin, we have our phones, they're always on…._ " Elliot told her, giving her support.

" _I'm going to be okay. I have to trust myself, right?_ " she said more to herself than to Elliot. " _I'll be okay, I've got this._ " She said more firmly. Olivia could do this, she'd be okay. She was already getting ahead of the drinking problem. A beer here and there would be fine and if it wasn't enough, she had two men to back her up.

Later that afternoon, Elliot left. He needed to go tend to some errands. When he left, he took the beer with him, not because he wanted to get it away from Olivia, but more so because he wanted to drink it himself. Fin had bought it for him after all…

 **I'm not sure I liked this chapter… I'm starting to think there a bit too much Elliot in the story. I'm going to start putting everyone else back in it as well.**

 **Any suggestions?**


	14. Chapter 14

Olivia entered the bar and instantly spotted Barba. Instead of sitting on a barstool, he'd gotten them a table near the back. It seemed more private but she figured that was Barba's purpose for sitting there.

She'd come in dark blue jeans and a v-neck long sleeve black shirt that slightly showed cleavage. Make-up had also been applied to her face, but not as much as she'd usually have like what she'd worn during the pre-Lewis era. It was still a bit more than she'd worn the past few weeks but less than she had on at the trial when she needed to keep appearances up.

Olivia was trying very hard to be normal again, to feel normal again. No heels, just flats and a purse in tow. She'd even fixed her hair to where it looked decent.

She walked over to Barba and took a seat across from him.

" _So…_ " she stated hesitatingly. She was nervous and worried but Barba was his usual self, to the point.

" _I told you I'd request the maximum, twenty-five to life. He got twenty-five with chance of parole in fifteen years depending on good behavior._ "

She closed her eyes, shutting them tight like his words had physically hurt her. She knew the moment Lewis was paroled, which would likely happen because he was such a charmer, he'd start right back where he left off, if not with her then with another woman.

" _Fuck,_ " she whispered.

" _I'm sorry,_ " Barba told her, giving her a sympathetic look. " _I tried my best, I swear I did…_ "

" _I know…_ " she told him, taking a deep breath.

The place wasn't packed, it was barely crowded. There was light music in the air but she couldn't make out the words.

Barba was able to flag a waitress down.

" _Let me get you a drink, Liv,_ " he told her. " _Bourbon? Scotch?_ " he asked.

Olivia shook her head no. He looked at her more intensely.

" _Beer,_ " she whispered lightly. Her mind was still on Lewis but she kept her focus.

Barba was thrown. Usually, she'd want something harder after a tough case and with the news he'd just given her, he was surprised she hadn't gone to the bar immediately and placed her order.

" _Alright,_ " he said, eyeing her curiously. Barba ordered her a beer and himself another scotch on the rocks.

" _How are you holding up?_ " he asked her honestly.

" _I'm fine…_ " she replied looking away. Yeah, that was the joke of the century.

" _Like hell you are,_ " Barba responded. He could see right through her like she was made of glass. Somehow, he could always get a read on her even if it was a small one. Barba seemed to be like Elliot in that way and it was something that Nick hadn't be able to do yet. She was grateful for that.

" _It's been rough,_ " she said, looking back and him and huffing.

Their drinks finally came and she was glad. Barba took his drink and she grabbed her beer bottled. She'd already decided in her head that two would be her limit. It was probably good to set limits she figured. Limits for drinks, for co-workers, for Elliot… her mind trailed off in thought. She needed to set a spending limit on groceries too, now that Fin had kicked her back into her chocolate addiction. Olivia would definitely be buying more chocolate.

" _How's therapy?_ " He asked, putting his glass up to his lips and taking a sip.

She just looked at him and brought the beer bottle up to her lips, taking a long swig.

" _I see…_ " he said. " _Why aren't you going?_ " he asked, seemingly genuinely concerned.

" _Just not feeling it…_ " she replied as she picked at the label on her beer bottle. She tried to put the news she had just received about Lewis in the back of her mind. She didn't need another reason to want vodka right now, she had enough as it was.

Olivia looked around out of curiosity, searching to see if she knew anyone else in the bar. She'd known so many people and had worked so many cases that sometimes she could spot at least one person she knew, even if it was only by association.

Barba licked his lips and leaned up on the table to stare at her.

" _You have to keep going, you know that, Liv._ " He told her. " _That's how therapy works._ "

She leaned back creating distance between them and took another long swig from her bottle that was now halfway gone.

Olivia looked up and gave him a thin smile. She knew he was concerned but she didn't want to talk about therapy so Barba cleared his throat and moved onto another topic.

" _How's the ex-partner?_ " he asked, raising an eyebrow in question.

Now Olivia really smiled because of his attempt to weasel information out of her.

" _Divorced…_ " she replied, decided to feed him information, playing his game.

" _Oooh…_ " Barba stated over dramatically.

She laughed. " _Stop it_ ," she told him.

" _You swore there was nothing there before, is there something there now?_ " he asked, his eyes filled with curiosity. What was it with attorneys and their need to be nosey for information?

" _I…_ " she started, " _I never said there was nothing there before… I told you nothing happened between us…_ " she hesitated.

" _Well…_ " he replied with a facial expression that was a cross between a pout and a hurt look, like he was taken aback that she had been slightly untruthful with him.

" _I didn't lie to you,_ " she stated quickly, needed to make sure he understood she respected their friendship and wanted to remind him that honesty was a very important policy she had with the few close friends she held near. " _I just… he's hard for me to talk about sometimes… it's getting better now that he's back but it's still weird…_ " she told him honestly.

" _Anything happening between you two?_ " Barba asked her straight up, not wanting to beat around the bush.

" _Not at the moment and I don't want it to… not right now._ " Olivia admitted.

" _Why not?_ " he asked, giving her a concerning look.

" _You know, when I hinted that I wasn't going to therapy, that wasn't an invitation for you to be my therapist…_ " she told him as she finished off her beer.

Barba smiled at her and waved at the waitress, signaling that they'd each like another of the same drink. The beer was helping Olivia open up and she wasn't feeling buzzed at all, she was okay.

He stared at her, waiting for her to speak. He knew she'd cave eventually and she finally did.

" _He's being a friend right now, one that I need. I need him to help me through a few things before I start fucking up whatever relationship that might try to develop between us._ "

" _You don't have the greatest track record with men but I wouldn't say it's that bad…_ " Barba trailed off, giving her a light smirk.

The waitress came back with their drinks and Olivia grabbed the new beer and passing her the empty bottle. Barba grabbed his drink as well.

Olivia looked over and saw the news was on but as quickly as she realized it was the news, she turned her head. She'd had enough news broadcasts for a lifetime and she'd been on the news enough that every now and then a stranger on the street would recognize her face. They'd realize she was the one who was kidnapped. Now Olivia had to wonder if they had believed she was tortured and assaulted or if they believed Lewis and the grand jury, that she had just liked rough sex. The thought of it all made her head spin.

" _He helping you through this stuff with Lewis? That why you're not going to therapy?_ " Barba tried again, pulling her out of her thoughts.

She took a drink of her beer before she answered.

" _I stopped going to therapy before he really started helping with the Lewis stuff…_ " she replied.

" _But he is helping with it?_ " Barba asked, making sure she at least had some support.

" _That and then some…_ " she said quietly, taking another drink. Barba mirrored her motion, drinking his own.

" _What about you? How are you doing?_ " Olivia asked him, trying to change the subject.

" _I'm good, buried in paperwork as usual. The job is my life._ " He stated.

Her phone vibrated and she looked down to check it. It was from Fin, checking in on her. He was asking if she was okay. She'd already messaged him earlier in the afternoon to thank him for the food and groceries. She wanted to tell him not to buy her groceries anymore but she figured that was an argument she'd save for in person talks.

Olivia sent him a quick text back telling him she was good, she made sure not to use the word "fine". All the sudden she was vaguely aware that no one believed her when she used it. Now she wondered if Elliot had told Fin about her meeting Barba at the bar. At first, she wanted Fin and Elliot to be in communication like she was with them both but now she was second guessing that wish.

The waitress came back to take Olivia's almost empty and now lukewarm beer. Barba's drink was empty as well. That man could put away some hard liquor. She heard him telling the waitress to bring them another drink.

" _No,_ " she said quickly while putting her phone away. " _Two is my limit, thank you._ " She stated, giving a fake smile at the waitress so the woman wouldn't think she'd done anything wrong, and sent the waitress on her way.

" _That's not like you,_ " Barba said calmly as he eyed her. He knew something was off.

" _With the information I just gave you about Lewis, you'd likely be knocking back shots by now…_ " he stated. He'd truthfully only seen her take shots a hand full of times and it was on rare occasions and half of them were dares. There was no doubt in his mind this would have been one of those rare occasions.

" _You know what else isn't like me?_ " She sighed, taking a deep breath and looking around the bar before focusing back on Barba. " _Downing a bottle of vodka until I pass out…_ " she replied wincing at her own words. They left a bitter taste in her mouth.

Barba was quiet for a moment, looking at her.

" _How often?_ " he asked quietly.

"… _four or five times over the past week or so?_ " she guessed.

He visibly swallowed hard. That was a lot and it wasn't the answer he had been expecting.

" _And before this past week?_ " he asked seriously.

" _I'd never had a drop of vodka until Lewis shoved it down my throat without my consent…_ " she replied. Shame and guilt covered her entire being. She hadn't wanted to tell Barba or anyone for that matter. Elliot and Fin just kind of accidentally found out, but that turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

" _Okay…_ " he replied calmly, she could almost see the gears in his head turning. " _The last time I was at your apartment, you'd finished a bottle of wine…_ " he reminded her.

" _Yeah, I'm okay with wine… I mean sometimes I drink too much of it but it's not the problem and wine doesn't get me drunk that easily…_ " She stated and he nodded in understanding or at least she hoped it was in understanding.

" _You're drinking to get drunk,_ " he observed. " _That's not good, Liv._ " Barba said cautiously.

" _It's the vodka…_ " she replied. " _I'm drawn to it… it's in my blood._ " She snorted at her own terrible joke.

" _You were hooked on the meth but you crave the vodka? That doesn't make sense…_ " Barba told her quietly.

Olivia's eyes instantly got bigger and she let out a huge huff of air. She brought her right hand up to rub over her face before giving up and crossing her arms in front of her, resting her head on top of her arms on the table. Did everyone know she'd been forced to do meth?

" _You had to know I'd find out, Liv…_ " Barba stated softly. " _I was the attorney. Victim's rights protected it from being brought up in court, not from me seeing it…and I don't hold it against you or judge you or any of that shit… you know that…_ " he reached out his right hand and placed it on her left arm.

" _I know…_ " came her mumbled voice.

After a few seconds, she leaned back up and fixed her hair, putting it back into place.

" _I just wish no one knew about it. I wish it had never happened…_ " She told him honestly.

" _So do I, Olivia_." Barba told her with a loving look, retracting his hand. " _You said it was in your blood? What did you mean by that?_ " he asked curiously.

She looked around the bar again. She almost wished it was packed because then there would be louder music and louder people and they wouldn't be able to continue this conversation.

" _My mom was a drunk,_ " she told him, huffing as she did so. It was more so out of annoyance because every now and then she'd get tired of telling people and she'd get tired of the sympathetic stares. " _Her drink of choice was vodka. She was verbally abusive and physically at times. She died drunk falling down a flight of stairs…_ " She could tell he hadn't known about her mother, he was genuinely surprised.

" _I'm very sorry, Liv._ " He whispered to her. He could see her pain and she could see his honesty and pain as well. He had known she must have had a rough time at some point in her life because of the way she carried herself. She was such a strong, independent woman. The kind that carries herself like she'd been hurt before and had known real pain.

" _It's alright,_ " she said. " _I know you had an abusive father who beat your mother and you at times…_ " Barba raised his eyebrows in surprise. He hadn't told anyone at SVU and only a couple of people in his life knew about that. His father had been dead for going on fifteen years now. Sometimes, when he thought of him, Barba's hand still curled into a fist.

" _How did you know that?_ " he questioned, now concerned.

" _I'm a detective…_ " she stated, giving him a smirk. " _I also know that you know I'm a product of rape…_ " she told him, cocking her head to the side and giving him a stare.

" _I would have never mentioned it in a million years… you know that._ " He promised her.

She smiled in return. She knew he wouldn't have, he was a good friend. Barba probably would have never mentioned it unless she had brought it up in conversation. Even then, she's still not sure he would have admitted he had known.

" _We read each other's file. You're a smart man. Me being a rape baby is in my file because it had to be counted in with my psych evaluation at the police academy and when I transferred to svu… my mother and her death aren't in there because it happened after I had already been working for svu…_ " she filled in the blanks for him.

Barba didn't have to ask how she knew about his father. She was true to her word, a detective. There would have been a few police reports that tagged his name. He'd called the police a few times when he was a young adult home on break from Harvard. His dad had gotten too rough with him and his mom those few times and he'd had enough. Barba got his mom out of there as soon as he graduated and started making enough money to support her.

Barba cleared his throat. This conversation was starting to hit too close to home for him.

" _So…_ " he began. " _The drinking, you're doing something about it I presume?_ " he eyed her up and down.

" _Elliot and Fin are helping… I'm getting it under control._ " She smiled. She was a little proud of herself.

" _Good, good… don't let it get away from you…_ " Barba said. " _I like working with you, I don't feel like breaking in a new detective…_ " he joked. She needed the joke too. The tension in the air was too thick.

" _You're going to be fine,_ " he told her when he saw her dodging his eyes. It looked like she was trying to stop herself from getting emotional. " _Hey,_ " he called to her, making her look at him. " _You've got this Elliot guy and Detective Tutuola, but if they don't live up to their expectations, call me. You have my number. Don't hesitate to use it._ "

" _Thanks,_ " she whispered, giving him a small smile.

 **Thoughts?**


	15. Chapter 15

It had been two weeks since the verdict and Cragen had finally let up last week, allowing her to come back to work. She had thrown herself into her caseload. It was a good distraction. She did better focusing on other people's pain and sorrows rather than her own.

Fin kept an eye out for her even if she didn't want him to at times and she'd exchanged a couple of texts with Elliot over the past two weeks. He'd offered to come over a couple times to keep her company but she had declined. Olivia seemingly wanted to keep up her front of being strong and independent even though she had faltered during the trial.

Today's case was particularly rough. It had involved a sex trafficking ring of underage girls, and not teenagers either, but much younger. They were Zara's age.

She and Nick entered the crowded hospital ER and headed to the front desk. They were in search of their most recent rescued victim from the trafficking ring. The squad had already taken the ring and its leader down. This is the girl that was found when they arrested everyone, only they had needed more man power at the scene so it had taken Nick and Olivia some time to break away and make it to the hospital.

The hospital was packed due to a ten-car pileup on the freeway involving an eighteen-wheeler. They'd heard the call on the scanner but it didn't look too bad and they hadn't heard of any deaths.

Nick strolled up to the desk, their faces were familiar here but he flashed his badge anyways out of habit.

" _SVU,_ " he said to the desk clerk. " _We're looking for… Krystal Hartford._ " Nick told her, glancing down at his notepad to make sure he got the name correct.

" _ER room seven,_ " the clerk told them. " _We haven't been able to get in touch with the parents but a social worker is on the way. The doctor is over there,_ " She said, pointed to the opposite side of the room where a man was standing, staring at a chart. " _He'll have more info for you._ "

They thanked her as they backed away.

" _I'll go talk to the doctor, you go check on the girl._ " She told Nick, and made her way across the room towards the man the clerk had pointed at.

Nick walked around until he got to room seven. He had become very familiar with the surrounding ERs in the city, so it wasn't that difficult to find being that he'd been here several times before.

He knocked on the door before entering. There was a young girl on the bed, her hair dark was long just like Zara's. This case was definitely going to haunt him.

" _Krystal?_ " he tried.

The girl nodded her head yes. She was holding a nurse's hand. The nurse was a blonde woman of average height and weight. Nick was thankful the nurse had waited with her.

" _You're from SVU?_ " the nurse asked?

" _Yeah, Detective Nick Amaro._ " He walked over and shook her free hand. Nick smiled at her, trying to show his gratitude for her supporting their victim until they could arrive.

" _We would have been here sooner but there were some loose ends at the scene and then the traffic from the pileup…_ " he told her.

" _We?_ " she questioned with curiosity.

" _Yeah, my partner is out talking to the doctor now._ " Nick replied, giving a reassuring smile. " _Thank you for sitting with her… not a lot of nurses do that._ "

Krystal looked scared and he visibly saw her squeeze the nurse's hand. The woman turned to the girl.

" _Krystal, Detective Amaro is going to take your statement. The hard part is over, the rape kit is done, now all you have to do is tell him everything that has happened to you. He'll write it down and the men that did this to you are going to jail,_ " she reassured the you girl.

Nick drew a confused face. " _They already did a rape kit?_ "

" _Yeah,_ " she looked at him with sad eyes. " _I'm afraid you won't get much evidence… she'd been forced to shower before she was rescued. Other than some pictures and swabs, there wasn't much to collect… that's why it didn't take so long._ " the woman told him. Nick looked down at his watch. She was right, the girl had only been at the hospital for a little over two hours which meant the examination had lasted a little over an hour and a half.

" _You sat with her during the kit?_ " he asked. That was new for him. Usually one nurse was there and it would be the same one administering the examination. He was surprised the girl didn't need to be sedated.

" _Yes,_ " the nurse answered. " _They combed her hair for evidence and did all the usual things but I'm afraid it wasn't much good…_ " she stated sadly. " _The news says you've got the men who did this though, that there were other girls. You'll be able to put them away?_ " she questioned even though she'd already promised the girl that her abusers were going to jail.

" _Yeah… we got them._ " He promised and looked at Krystal, giving her an encouraging smile. " _They won't ever do anything to you or anyone else ever again._ " He said reassuringly.

Krystal gave him a weak smile and laid back on the bed getting comfortable. She had dropped the nurse's hand, so the blonde woman stood up, making her way closer to Nick.

" _Krysta, I'm going to go check my chart and make my rounds,_ " she told the girl, looking back at her. Krystal nodded and Nick figured if she'd been here for two hours then the nurse had needed to leave a few times earlier so Krystal would have known the nurse's routine by now. " _I'll be back in a bit to check on you, I promise._ " She gave the girl a smile. Krystal smiled back, and it wasn't a weak smile like she'd given Nick. Clearly, the girl liked this nurse and have formed a bond with her.

Nick walked the nurse to the door.

" _You seem schooled in rape victims…_ " he observed in a hushed voice so the girl wouldn't hear. She had rolled over on her side now anyways. If he guessed, he'd say the pain meds were making her sleepy and he had to wait of Olivia to get back with the doctor's report anyways.

" _Yes, I have a bit of education in the area…_ " she smiled warmly. The world needed more nurses like her.

Nick opened his mouth to speak again, he was going to ask the nurse for any more information that she could give them on Krystal but Olivia opened the door, entering the room.

The brunette was looking down at her notepad.

" _The doctor says they've sent blood and cultures to the lab but they're still waiting on all the results…_ " Olivia trailed off as she looked up noticing that Nick and their victim weren't alone.

" _Shhh…_ " Nick hushed Olivia, gesturing at their victim's sleeping form but the blonde and Olivia had locked eyes.

The nurse swallowed. " _Hi, Olivia._ " she whispered.

Olivia moved backwards through the door and all three vacated the room, moving into the outside hallway to give Krystal some peace before having to take her statement.

" _Kathy,_ " Olivia said surprised as she leaned against the hallway wall. Her eyebrows were raised and shock appeared on her face.

" _You two know each other?_ " Nick questioned, looking back and forth between the two women. Kathy glanced at Nick but Olivia chose to ignore him.

" _I didn't know you'd transferred to be an ER nurse?_ " Olivia questioned, closing her notepad and stuffing it into her jacket pocket without even looking at it.

" _I didn't… They called me in. All hands on deck because of the pileup…_ " she explained.

" _Oh…_ " Olivia stated. That made sense. She'd only run into Kathy at the hospital a handful of times over the past fifteen years. It was a rare occasion.

" _I wanted to reach out to you after… after the incident…_ " Kathy told her lightly. " _But I didn't know if it'd be appropriate or what to say…_ " The blonde nurse looked nervous but calm all at the same time. Olivia knew she was referring to Lewis.

" _It's alright,_ " Olivia told her, pressing her lips together in a thin line. " _I appreciate the thought._ "

Nick cleared his throat, it was on purpose to get their attention, to remind them that he was still standing there.

Olivia huffed and cut her eyes towards him. This would be tons of fun…

" _She's Elliot's wife, Nick…_ " Olivia stated, resting her left hand in her front pants pocket as her right side still leaned into the wall.

Nick's eyebrows shot up in surprise

" _Ex-wife…_ " Kathy corrected silently, looking at Olivia.

The brunette closed her eyes and brought her hand from her pocket to her face. She pinched the bridge between her nose. Why was this so weird?

" _Right, ex-wife…_ " Olivia repeated, taking a silent breath and dropping her hand again.

Kathy smiled softly and Olivia looked to Nick to see his latest facial expression.

" _Oh,_ " he said and Olivia could practically hear the humor dripping from his voice. His face was lit up like he'd just walked into a candy store.

Olivia rolled her eyes at his childish behavior and his need to partake in drama and gossip. " _Not a word, Nick…_ " she warned him, almost daring him to say something about her and Elliot, but he saw her death glare and thought better of it. He was still smiling though and looked away down the hall.

Kathy let out a chuckle. At least she found humor in it. Kathy hadn't been stupid either, she'd known the some of the rumors flying around the one-six. Sometimes she'd even worried about her husband being with Olivia too often. At one time, she'd even voiced her concerns to Olivia and it was when she was asking the brunette to convince Elliot to sign divorce papers.

" _I'm glad you're alive…_ " She whispered softly, looking sad all the sudden. Kathy knew Olivia probably wasn't okay. It took a long time to get over a sexual assault, and then you're never really over it. You just learn to deal with it. She'd learned that from her ex-husband.

Olivia cleared her throat, getting Nick's attention.

" _Why don't you go sit with Krystal. I know she's sleeping but you know we don't need to leave victims alone for a long period of time after an assault…_ " She told him firmly. " _I'll be there in a few minutes._ "

He looked at her and received the message. She wanted some one-on-one time with the nurse and it probably wasn't to talk about Krystal.

" _Alright,_ " he stated quietly. " _It was nice to meet you,_ " he told Kathy, smiling as he passed her and opened the door to Krystal's room.

Olivia looked to Kathy and motioned for her to follow. They walked around the corner to a small empty waiting room. It was a room only used for family members waiting to hear information on a patient currently in surgery but it was empty.

The brunette took a seat and Kathy sat directly across from her.

" _I never slept with Elliot,_ " Olivia blurted out unexpectedly.

Kathy's eyebrows shot up at her bluntness.

" _I know that, Olivia…_ " The blonde gave her a sweet smile.

" _I figured you did, I just… I felt like I needed to say it to you, to confirm it for you… if that makes sense?_ " Olivia tried. She wasn't good at explaining herself and when they had talked in the past, it was usually Kathy going to Olivia for help with Elliot. Kathy had been the open one, not her.

" _Okay…_ " Kathy stated, looking content.

Olivia leaned forward, putting her elbows on her knees and covering her hands with her face. She rubbed her face up and down a couple of times, careful not to mess up her light make-up before sitting back up.

" _Elliot said the kids knew… about my assault…_ " Olivia said slowly, looking to Kathy. " _Can you tell me how much they know? I just really… I'd like to know please?_ "

Kathy smiled warmly. " _I'm glad Elliot finally contacted you._ " She told Olivia.

" _Yeah well, he contacted Fin, not me…_ " Olivia trailed off, remembering what Fin had first said about Elliot.

" _Oh…_ " Kathy trailed off, looking down.

" _No, I mean, yes, we're in contact now…_ " Olivia told her. Kathy looked up at her again. " _He's comes around now…_ " Olivia gave her a thin smile.

" _Good._ " Kathy stated firmly.

" _Anyways, Elliot mentioned the kids knew…_ " Kathy gave her a sad, sympathetic look.

" _They do._ " She confirmed. But then again how could they not? All of New York knew. Olivia's face had been all over the news and media for days.

Olivia was silent for a moment. She'd never had kids of her own but she had taken a liking to Elliot's kids. When he'd left, he hadn't just cut her off from himself but from his entire family. She didn't dare reach out to Kathy, especially with the feelings between her and Elliot.

" _I loved them as my own, you know…_ " Olivia stated silently, refusing to meet Kathy's eyes.

Kathy stood up, walking over to Olivia and sitting in the chair beside her. The blonde turned her body towards Olivia to give the woman her full attention.

" _I know that Olivia, and so does Elliot._ " She spoke lightly, placing her hand on Olivia's left shoulder to get her attention. When Olivia looked at her, she continued.

" _You were at birthday parties and school plays. You were there for Kathleen when she had her breakdown with being bipolar…_ " Kathy told her softly. " _We were lucky to have you in our lives and we were very grateful… I'm sorry Elliot left abruptly and cut you out._ " The nurse told Olivia honestly. Kathy did feel bad for Olivia, she knew it had been rough on her. Olivia stared at the ground.

" _He did it because you two had feelings for each other and he was trying to be a good catholic man, he was trying to save our marriage…_ " Kathy stated lightly. It was the truth. Olivia was stunned. Her head jerked towards Kathy with wide eyes.

" _You didn't think I knew?_ " Kathy asked with a slight hint of humor in her voice.

" _Fuck…_ " Olivia breathed out in a hushed whisper, putting her head back in her hands. She felt terrible. Awful. How long had Kathy known? Had she known when her and Elliot were partners?

" _I'm sorry…_ " she whispered to Kathy.

" _Don't apologize… We can't control our feelings…_ " Kathy said, giving her and understanding look. " _You never acted on them and I will always respect you for that._ "

" _We didn't,_ " Olivia confirmed. " _Nothing ever happened… I swear to God, Kathy…_ " Olivia started again but Kathy stopped her.

" _I know, Olivia. I know…_ " She promised her. Olivia huffed in frustration.

" _The kids… what do they know?_ " Olivia asked promptly, desperate to change the subject from her and Elliot to anything else.

Kathy swallowed. " _Well… Elliot likes to say he shelters them from TV but they aren't kids anymore. They all know you went through something traumatic. Maureen saw a news broadcast about you being kidnapped and that was it, she didn't want to see anymore. She stays busy with her work and isn't one for TV anyways._ "

" _Okay,_ " Olivia huffed. One down, three to go.

" _Lizzie and Richard know you were kidnapped and assaulted. They aren't stupid,_ " Kathy told her. " _They know something happened to you involving sexual assault. Richard couldn't watch the news and when I was home, I wouldn't let any of them see it… but they did hear the news anchor say what that man, Lewis, had done to others…_ "

" _Shit…_ " Olivia said, closing her eyes and leaning her head back against the wall. " _I didn't want them to see that… I wish no one had seen it…_ " She stated.

" _I'm sorry, Olivia._ " Kathy told her with careful eyes. " _I truly am…_ " She whispered.

" _Kathleen?_ " The brunette dared to ask.

" _She knows a lot…_ " the nurse told her honestly. " _She followed your trial… she knows about the burns and scars, the vodka… basically any detail that was released in open court, she knows…_ "

Olivia sniffed and looked down at her lap. She never wanted Elliot's children to know these things about her. Especially Kathleen, the one she'd been closest to.

" _She loves you, you know… she wanted to call you after but I think she was scared to reach out because what went on between you and Elliot…_ " Olivia's eyes went wide again. She felt like she might go into shock.

Kathy noticed her change in demeanor and corrected her wording immediately.

" _Oh no, no!_ " She said quickly. " _She just knows when Elliot left svu, you and he weren't on the best terms._ " Kathy told her. Olivia let out a breath of relief. The last thing she needed was for the Stabler children to believe she had something to do with their parents' marriage breaking apart.

" _I think she considered contacting you a week or so ago after everything was over with but she got cold feet. She'll be happy to hear Elliot and you have begun talking again though…_ " Kathy smiled at the thought.

" _Kathy, please tell her that no matter what is going to with me and Elliot, that she can always call me… always, and I mean that…_ " Olivia told Kathy with loving eyes. She never wanted Kathleen to feel that she couldn't reach out.

They sat in silence, taking in everything that had been said between the two of them.

Olivia had never been this open with Kathy. That's what she gets for going to therapy, she ends up being conditioned to be open and honest with people she wouldn't normally be open with. Granted, she still had yet to start back to therapy. Cragen was pushing her towards it, hard. She just wasn't ready yet. She wasn't ready to start talking about the trial and her feelings with her psychiatrist.

Olivia cleared her throat and made sure her voice was stable before she spoke.

" _And what do you know about what happened to me?_ " She looked at Kathy. Olivia appeared so vulnerable in that moment. It was almost like time had stopped and she was testing the waters between the two of them.

" _I know_ ," Kathy hesitated, " _you were sexually assaulted, that you were severely traumatized… and that contrary to what the jury might have thought,_ " the blonde took a deep breath, " _you did not want any of those things to happen to you._ "

Kathy was being honest.

Olivia thought for a moment before continuing.

"… _I wasn't raped…_ " she told Kathy in a small voice, making eye contact again so the woman would know she was telling the truth. " _He didn't rape me…_ "

Kathy gave her a sad smile. " _I believe you, Olivia._ "

The brunette smiled back before standing up. Nick was probably in Krystal's room playing games on his phone while waiting for her. Olivia wiped under her eyes in case her make-up had smudged.

" _Make sure you tell the kids you saw me, alright? Tell them I'm doing just fine._ " Olivia asked as she turned to Kathy who had also stood up.

" _I will._ " She promised.

Kathy walked Olivia back to the door of Krystal's room.

" _Olivia?_ " Kathy called before the brunette could enter. " _If you can wait right here for a second, I have something for you?_ " she told her. Olivia nodded in agreement and Kathy took off through the door behind the nurse's station. She was back within a minute.

" _Here._ " She said, handing Olivia a small container.

Olivia brought it up to her face to get a better look.

" _Mederma Scar Treatment Cream?_ " Olivia read off the jar.

" _I'm not saying you need it…_ " Kathy was quick to state and Olivia looked at her with surprise and curiosity. " _I just… if it was me, I'd have a hard time with the marks on my body… I'd want them gone because they'd remind me of him…_." She tried to explain to Olivia her thought process without insulting the other woman's body.

" _I um…_ " Olivia was at a loss for words. " _Thanks…_ " she whispered, accepting the cream and slipping it into her jacket pocket, opposite of her notepad. She was silently thankful that she'd chosen a larger jacked today because the container was larger than most and wouldn't have fit in any of her other jackets. Olivia was grateful for the cream and she would be using it.

Olivia gave her a smile and told her goodbye as she slipped into the room. Sure enough, Nick was sitting in a chair to the side, on his phone playing candy crush. Olivia rolled her eyes at him.


	16. Chapter 16

Olivia sat waiting in the Office of Dr. Peter Lindstrom.

A whole month since the trial had happened and she'd finally convinced herself to return to therapy. Well, with the help of Fin of course, who kept on her about it.

Her knee was bouncing up and down as she leaned forward with her hands clasped together in her lap. She stared at the clock on the wall as it ticked. Olivia wanted to be anywhere but here on her day off. She couldn't schedule her therapy session for a normal work day because that would mean arriving late or leaving early. Not that she wouldn't be allowed to, just that it would raise suspicion and questions. Then she would have to explain that she was ducking out to a therapy appointment.

She tried not to feel ashamed about it or embarrassed. Olivia knew therapy was the best thing for her and that she needed it, but she didn't really care for her coworkers to know that she had started back. It made her feel insecure. She had thought because she was a SVU detective and a victim advocate, that she would have handled a sexual assault better than the average person who didn't have any knowledge on the topic but she was wrong. Her body reacted the same ways even though her brain had the knowledge of what was happening to her.

Finally, Dr. Lindstrom opened the door to the hallway and called Olivia back. She wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans and stood up.

She hadn't dressed up for therapy like she had in the beginning. Olivia used to wear dresses, do her make-up, and wear a nice pair of heels. Half of it was because she would be heading to work afterwards and had to look professional, the other half was because she wanted to look put together, like she wasn't falling apart at the seams.

Now, she only had on jeans, a decent shirt, and a jacket. No makeup, and her hair wasn't fixed per say, but it had been washed and dried.

Olivia followed him down the hallway and into the office. Once inside, she took off her jacket and draped it over the end of the couch.

" _Olivia, I am very happy you decided to come back._ " He told her as they both sat down. Lindstrom in his chair and Olivia on the end of the couch.

" _Yeah, well…_ " she looked around as she rubbed her hands together nervously.

" _How have you been?_ " he started off first.

" _Honestly?_ " she asked, looking up at him and biting her lip. He gave her a reassuring smile for her to continue. " _Not good. I've had some… problems._ " Olivia told him, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

He remained calm and content, like always.

" _What kind of problems?_ " Dr. Lindstrom asked lightly.

She huffed and looked away again. She didn't want to do this. Olivia hated therapy but she knew she needed it.

Olivia took a deep breath. " _Vodka…_ " she said quietly.

If Lindstrom was surprised, his face didn't show it. He remained calm and content but then again, Olivia guessed that he'd probably heard a lot of things said inside these four walls so probably not much would phase him. Plus, many victims turn to alcohol to cope.

" _Vodka?_ " he questioned. " _Because it was your mother's drink or because Lewis forced you to drink it?_ "

Her eyes instantly watered but she was able to keep the tears at bay. At least she didn't have to explain much to him since they had already covered her mother and the things that had happened with Lewis when she had first begun therapy.

" _Both maybe?_ " Olivia stated honestly. She really didn't know why she had been drawn to the vodka. She'd never liked it, she had always hated it because she saw what it did to her mother. " _It started out as a sleep aid… and turned into a bit more…_ " she explained.

Olivia stared at the couch as she began to pick at one of the cushions.

" _I see…_ " he stated, sensing she wasn't done talking.

" _I was okay…_ " Olivia glance up at him before returning her stare to the couch. " _But when the trial started…_ "

" _The flashbacks returned._ " He finished for her. Olivia closed her eyes and let out a breath of relief. At least he understood where she was coming from. He wouldn't think she was completely crazy…

" _Yeah. I mean, it's been a month since the trial so they're not as often, but they are still here about once a week or so…_ " She answered. " _Sometimes, I see Lewis touching me, burning me… other times, I see the attorney's mother getting raped, and sometimes… I dream that I really was raped…_ " She sniffled, grabbing a tissue from the coffee table in his office and wiping her nose with it. Her tears still remained in her eyes but her nose was running. " _Most of the time it's the cop that pulled us over getting shot or the attorney's mom…_ "

" _So you get drunk to have a dreamless sleep?_ " he questioned.

" _That's the way it started. It's why my mom drank… she couldn't stand reminders of her rape…_ "

" _It sounds like you're punishing yourself._ " Lindstrom told her softly. She looked up to meet his eyes. Surely he wasn't right. She wasn't punishing herself. She'd been through hell, why would she punish herself?

Olivia gave him a confused look.

" _How do you feel about the things that happened while you were with Lewis?_ " He questioned her.

Olivia scoffed, rolling her eyes. She stood up and began to pace around the room. " _You know how I feel about it,_ " she told him.

He allowed her to pace for a few minutes as she collected her thoughts and feelings, until she was ready to put them into words.

" _The vodka,_ " she told him, " _I like the way it burns my throat, my nose… I like the way it…_ " she trailed off in a whisper.

" _Hurts? You like the way it hurts you?_ " he questioned with a knowing look and a comforting smile on his face.

Olivia signed and leaned back against the wall that was facing him. She put her hands behind her and bit her lip. Maybe she was unconsciously hurting herself as punishment.

" _Maybe you need to forgive yourself._ " He told her carefully.

She swallowed and narrowed her eyes.

" _You said in previous sessions that you thought you probably could have saved the attorney's mom from getting raped, the cop from getting shot…_ " he remembered out loud.

" _I should have done something…_ " she spoke softly " _I'm a cop, a special victims cop. It was my territory… my job."_

Lindstrom smiled softly as Olivia leaned off the wall and began pacing again.

" _You weren't a cop in this situation, Olivia. You were a victim._ "

" _I'm always a cop._ " She glanced at him as she continued walking back and forth in front of the bookshelf.

" _You were drugged, drunk, and restrained._ " He reminded her.

" _I'm trained to know how to get out of those situations…_ " Olivia replied. She was beating herself up about it but what cop wouldn't?

He knew that telling her to forgive herself was likely useless. She would have to learn to be okay and forgive with time. Sure it had been months, but the trial had made everything fresh again, like reliving the whole event all over again.

" _You haven't mentioned the meth?_ " Lindstrom asked her.

Olivia stopped pacing and sat down on the couch, facing him again.

" _Because there's nothing to mention._ " She told him firmly, sticking to her guns.

" _You feel the urge to drink vodka but not to do meth?_ " he said, making his question clearer.

" _No._ " she stated boldly. " _I'm not stupid… I can handle the drinking, it's in my blood…_ " She let out a dark laugh at the same joke she'd told previously to Barba. " _But meth? No. That's hard stuff and I refuse to be that woman…_ " She had said it with bravery and conviction.

Lindstrom fully believed her. " _Alright._ " He told her with a nod of his head. " _But you'll be the woman who becomes an alcoholic?_ "

Olivia made a face. " _I didn't say that… it was just a problem._ " She explained, shrugging her shoulders.

" _Was?_ " he questioned with a tilt of his head.

" _Yeah, it's under control now… some friends are helping out…_ " Olivia explained further for him.

Dr. Lindstrom smiled softly. " _What nice, supportive friends… your squad?_ " he asked curiously.

The brunette had a twinkle in her eye. " _Yeah, one of them… and Elliot…_ " she replied quietly.

Olivia had told him about Elliot, who he was and how he had contacted Fin while she was kidnapped. She'd also mentioned about meeting up with Elliot and having their first conversation in years. However, Olivia hadn't been back to therapy since the trial started, therefore, Dr. Lindstrom didn't know about Elliot's new role in her life.

" _He's back in my life it seems,_ " she stated. " _We've hung out a few times and he's divorced._ "

" _How do you feel about that?_ " he asked her.

" _I don't know…_ " she answered honestly. " _I mean, I'm happy he's back. Over the moon really, I needed him for this, to help me through this. I don't think I'd be able to handle it if he left again, at least not the same way he did before. He swears he's here to stay though._ " Olivia answered him, staring off in the distance as her train of thought landed on Elliot and everything that had been happening.

" _You told me previously that you had loved him…_ " Lindstrom mentioned, recalling a previous session with Olivia.

She looked at him, making eye contact. That was not where she wanted this therapy session to go. Everything with Elliot was okay, it was fine. It was on hold for the moment as far as feelings were concerned. She was here because she was slipping with her flashbacks and the alcohol. She didn't need to talk about Elliot.

" _Are there feelings still there?_ " he asked with a tilt of his head.

Olivia smiled a small smile. " _Of course, I think I'll always have feelings for him in one form or another, but that's not one of my problems right now._ "

" _No?_ " he questioned.

" _No._ " she answered. " _I can handle the 'Elliot stuff', I'm here because of the problems that are getting away from me._ " Olivia answered honestly.

" _Alright,_ " he accepted.

" _How often are you drinking vodka?_ " he asked.

" _It was just for a week, about four or five days that week but it's over now._ " She told him, but her statement didn't come out as strong as she wanted it to.

" _It doesn't sound too terrible, just that maybe you had a bad spell and faltered but you got back on your feet, Olivia._ " Lindstrom told her solidly.

" _Those four or five days, I would drink whole bottles of vodka each day… until I would pass out… and I wouldn't even remember passing out…_ " she admitted to him, looking down in shame and guilt.

" _That isn't good…_ " he stated, nodding his head in agreement with her. But he was very proud of her for recognizing the problem and seeking help.

" _It's just the vodka though. I can drink scotch, bourbon, wine, beer… it's just the vodka…_ " she told him. It didn't make much since but then again, she had a personal tie to the vodka. Lewis and her mom, so maybe it did make sense…

Olivia put her head in her hands as her eyes watered. " _How did this happen?_ " she mumbled inter her hand but he still could understand her.

" _It happens more often than not, you know that…_ " he told her softly. It was true, she knew that.

She shook her head in disagreement though. " _I know what it does to people, what it did to people… to my mom. I shouldn't be having this problem, I shouldn't be drawn to this… I shouldn't… like it or be drawn to it…_ "

Dr. Lindstrom could tell her tears were falling now. Olivia had been carrying a lot of weight on her shoulders for a long time, even from before Lewis. He knew she hadn't gotten help or seen a therapist to deal with her mother issues. In reality, she should have gotten help a long time ago for the abuse that her mother caused her as a child and a teenager, even as an adult. A person can only push it all down for so long until an event happens that pushes it all back to the surface. Perhaps this traumatic event with William Lewis partially did that for her.

Before he could reply to her, she stood up abruptly and wiped her cheeks.

" _Our time is almost up and I need to go…_ " she stated, picked up her jacket and shrugging it on. He looked at the clock and they still had a good fifteen minutes to go.

" _Olivia,_ " he tried. " _We still haven't discussed how the trial went, how the verdicts went…_ "

She eyed him. " _You know what the verdicts were…_ "

He smiled softly. " _Yes, but talking about it will help._ "

Thinking of the trial and how a room full of people had believed she had wanted to be violated only made her tears come again.

" _I'm sorry but I'm done with today's session. I… I've had all I can handle for today._ " She told him lightly.

" _Okay, just answer me this one question before you go…_ " He told her and she looked at him awaiting the question while she was standing at the door.

" _What did you take away from today's session?_ " he asked her.

Olivia only had to think for a minute. There were still fresh tear streaks on her face when she answered.

" _I don't want to be like my mother…"_ she whispered. She turned, placing her hand on the knob, opening the door.

She stopped once again before she walked through it, still looking ahead. " _I am going to work very hard… and we can discuss the other things,_ " she took a deep breath and looked back at him, " _at my next session…_ " she gave him a small smile through the tears and left.

She'd confirmed to him that she'd be back because she was willing to get help, she wanted to overcome this.


	17. Chapter 17

**Thanks for the reviews. Even if it's just one word from a guest, it's still encouraging and helpful, so thank you!**

Olivia hurried down the hall and out to the waiting room. She wished she had grabbed some tissues before she'd left Dr. Lindstrom's office, her face was still wet.

Walking fast through the waiting area, she headed for the door but stopped as she saw Fin sitting in a chair, reading a magazine.

He looked up, putting the magazine down and standing once he saw her.

She wiped her face vigorously with her hands, trying to rid herself of the left-over water from the tears that had now stopped.

" _What are you doing here?_ " she whispered, looking around to make sure no one else she knew was in the room. This is what she gets for telling him about her appointment.

Fin walked closer to her. " _I wanted to take you to lunch after your appointment._ " He explained, shrugging his shoulders, handing her a tissue out of his pocket.

She wiped her nose and her face. " _Thanks,_ " she replied. Thanking him for the tissue and the offer at lunch.

" _You okay?_ " he asked, eyeing her and cocking his head to the side.

" _Yeah… tough session._ " She replied, putting the tissue in her pocket. Olivia's eyes were still red and a bit puffy. She didn't really want to go out in public right now and Fin seemed to pick that up.

" _My car's out front. We can go to a drive-in or a drive-thru somewhere…_ " he told her. Olivia noticed he was in work clothes. His gun and badge were strapped to his side.

" _You didn't have to come…_ " she told him lightly as they headed out the door and to his car.

" _Nah,_ " he agreed. " _But I wanted to… needed to get out of the station for a while._ " He replied, glancing around as he entered the driver's seat of their squad car.

Briefly, Fin had thought about opened the passenger door for Olivia but he quickly decided it would be a bad idea. He'd never done it for her before and if he started now, she'd think it was because he saw her as a victim. She'd definitely kick his ass.

They got in and shut their doors. He started the engine and semi-loud rap music began to play. Olivia rolled her eyes, looking to him while she pressed the button to turn the radio off.

" _What?_ " he questioned her look. " _You think I sit in silence when I'm by myself in the squad car? Hell no…_ " He told her very seriously.

She laughed at him.

Fin put the car in drive and they began their journey down the street.

" _I'm gonna go to Sonic,_ " he said to her, giving her the chance to decline or state where she wanted to eat.

" _Alright,_ " she told him. Olivia didn't mind Sonic. She loved their cheese sticks and it'd been a while since she'd been anyways.

They drove in silence for a couple of minutes. She enjoyed having Fin in her vicinity. Elliot was the only other one who knew about her appointment aside from Cragen, and Cragen had no details. All he knew was that she had started back. And she'd only told him that because he was threatening her with Huang. If Nick or anyone else had showed up afterwards, she would have been mad because they were babying her.

" _How's the caseload today?_ " she asked Fin.

He smiled and glanced at her before returning his eyes on the road.

" _It's heavy._ " He stated.

Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open, looking at him.

" _Then what the hell are you doing here with me, Fin?_ " She was surprised Cragen hadn't kicked his ass for even asking to take a lunch break, especially away from the station. Having food delivered to the station was one thing, but to completely leave for an hour when they needed everyone working.

He just smiled and kept his eyes on the road.

" _Odafin Tutuola, did you use me as an excuse to get out of work?_ " she questioned, narrowing her eyes and gawking at him.

He continued his smile. " _You're Dad's favorite, you know that…_ " She snorted with laughter. It was no secret she'd been Cragen's favorite ever since she'd joined the unit. They'd shared many moments together. Cragen had always wanted a daughter and she'd always wanted a father. They were two pieces of the puzzle of life that fell into place together when she joined the unit.

" _I can't believe you, Fin…_ " she said with a smile as he pulled into Sonic and parked at one of the stops.

He turned to look at her as he put the car in park, leaving it running so they still had heat if they got cold being it was a bit chilly out. " _Yeah, you can…_ " he retorted.

It was true. She could believe it. Of course Cragen had let him go as soon as he played the 'Olivia card'. The older man had tried to reach out to Olivia. He'd tried to talk with her but she couldn't bring herself to be completely open with him. She never wanted him to know what had happened between her and Lewis, but he already knew. He'd read the file, she was aware. They never spoke about it and if she got her way, they never would.

" _He's worried about you…_ " Fin told her.

She made a face and huffed.

" _I'll talk to him._ " She stated.

" _Really?_ " Fin seemed surprised.

" _Not about the Lewis stuff, but just in general… to let him know I'm okay._ " She concluded.

Fin shook his head in agreement. " _Good, he needs the conversation._ "

It wasn't like Cragen and her never talked. They exchanged words every day, but that's all they were, just words. She didn't confide in him, not anymore. She'd stopped that before Lewis came along. It was shortly after Elliot had left. Olivia had clammed up and shut everyone out. The person closest to her had just left, so she unconsciously started closing up to everyone else.

It was Fin who had finally gotten her to open back up. He'd caught her on the rooftop of the one-six one evening, several months after Elliot had left. She'd been crying and tried to hide it when she saw him come through the rooftop door but it was no use, he'd seen her. They'd had a tough case. It was one of those cases where her and Elliot would have had beers at a bar or at her apartment afterwards and talked everything out so they didn't hold it all in and go crazy.

Fin had walked over to her and engulfed her in a hug immediately. She had latched on and accepted it. It was the first time anyone had hugged her since Elliot's departure. Fin had known about the feelings between them, he could tell. She deserved better.

Olivia had confessed that she would give anything to have a beer with Elliot after this case, and that she'd missed him. So, Fin had taken her for a beer instead and they had talked it out.

Olivia had been confiding in Fin for a while now and he'd done the same with her on rare occasions. She'd learned that he and his high school girlfriend had suffered a miscarriage. She'd also learned that he didn't want to be married ever again, and was okay with one night stands and light relationships here and there but nothing serious. She figured he was just hurt from how his divorce went down but she didn't pry.

Fin asked her what she wanted and she told him. He mashed the red button and ordered their food.

" _How was therapy?_ " he tried asking while they were waiting on the food.

" _It's was good._ " She smiled. She was being honest. " _Helpful…_ " she added.

After her therapy session, she had felt lighter. Yes, she'd cried but it was a good cry. It felt good to let the feelings and emotions out.

" _I'm going to keep going… for now._ " She confided in him.

" _Good, good._ " He stated.

They sat in silence for a beat and it dawned on him what she had ordered. He rolled his eyes at her.

" _What?_ " she asked, her eyebrows bunched together in confusion.

" _You didn't order fries…_ " he said. He knew her moves by now.

When she realized what he was getting at, her confusion disappeared and was replaced with a humourous smile.

" _No, I didn't…_ " she answered.

" _You're gonna eat mine aren't you?_ " he asked.

" _Yep._ " She nodded smiling. This was a happy medium. She felt a ting of happiness inside her. It felt good, normal. She could live like this. For the first time in a while, she felt like she would be okay.

 **So… apparently, New York City got their very first Sonic in 2015 and it's not even a drive-in place, it's a restaurant. I tried to look for drive-in food places in New York so I could make this story as realistic as possible but I came up empty. You're just going to have to use your imagination with this one.**


	18. Chapter 18

**As y'all know, Lewis breaks out of jail and comes for Olivia again. Even though we are not there yet, this is your heads-up that I plan on changing the original story, I'm going to say he actually raped her. My interpretation of the episode will be slightly different. If I say she was raped, that gives me more room to write the story, the feelings, and the emotions between Olivia and Elliot, and everyone else in her life.**

 **I will give you guys a trigger warning before hand and I am also putting a trigger warning in the story description.**

 **If you don't want to or can't read those chapters, you will still be able to follow along in the future chapters, if you wish to continue reading.**

 **And lastly, I promise wherever this story leads and ends, it will have a happy ending and Olivia will eventually be okay. This is just her journey to getting there.**

A couple of months had gone by and everything was getting to be back to normal. She'd hung out with Elliot a few times. He'd come over for movie and a pizza when she'd had the time off work, and they'd been out to lunch a few times during her break.

Olivia was happy that therapy was going good. She went once every two weeks to keep herself in check. Soon, she would be going only once a month. And finally, when she was able to, she would begin going only once every three months. That was her ideal goal and limit to reach, once every three months.

She had gotten better at keeping groceries in her home, she'd even put on a little weight. It didn't bother her much because it was just the weight she'd lost after the Lewis ordeal.

A week after she'd talked to Fin, she had finally sat down with Cragen. They'd had lunch at a local sandwich shop.

Olivia had assured him she was better and therapy was going well. She left out the vodka on purpose. Cragen was a recovering alcoholic and she wasn't sure he could handle knowing she had been on the edge of that iceberg. Besides, it wasn't a concern anymore. She hadn't touched vodka since and she was doing everything to make sure it stayed that way.

The urges she had gotten recently did not revolve around vodka, but around something else. Sex. She had yet to have sex. She wasn't even sure the last time with Brian had counted as sex. He'd been in and out of her so fast that she didn't really have time to enjoy it and nether one of them had gotten a release because of Brian's performance problem, then their fight which had led to their break up.

She was starting to get in tune with her body now and it wanted the touch of another person. Her sex drive was back and thriving, but her confidence, not so much. She couldn't go out and have one night stands anymore, not with the scars on her body. People would freak out or ask questions, or if they hadn't had time to put her face to the news story that had made her semi-famous, they'd think she was some sick fuck who got off on pain like burning sensations. Olivia didn't think she'd mentally be able to have one-night stands anymore anyways, not since Lewis.

Now, her lover would have to be brought up to date on what had happened to her and told a small fraction of what she went through. Olivia would have to make sure they knew certain details so she wouldn't get triggered. Her flashbacks had thankfully stopped as far as she could tell, but she was aware that PTSD never fully goes away and even years later, a trigger could happen.

It was one big process.

At their lunch, Cragen had asked her to take the sergeant's exam. She'd been surprised and asked why. He had taken a deep breath and told her Munch put in his papers. Olivia had been slightly emotional but understood. Munch was older than all of them and he had been eligible to retire years ago.

There had been a retirement party thrown by John Munch himself. It was nice and there were speeches, she'd given one. It was short and sweet, bittersweet in her opinion.

Olivia had been reluctant about taking the exam but after Cragen had pointed out the pros and the small number of cons, she'd agreed. The wait would have killed her so she signed up for it as quickly as possible and got the quickest date that would come fast, but allow her enough time to brush up and study.

They'd just found out that she had passed, and she'd thrown a dinner party at her apartment to celebrate the moment. She was terrified she was going to be transferred out of SVU though because they usually didn't allow sergeants to stay on with the squad they were in beforehand.

She was nervous but never the less she wanted to celebrate her major accomplishment of becoming sergeant, therefore, she was currently the dinner party. She'd invited Fin, Cragen and Elieen, Melinda, Amanda, Nick, and Elliot. Elliot couldn't come because he had Eli. She'd told him to bring Eli too but Elliot had declined, knowing it was a dinner party more for the adults and Eli would be bored. The boy was around seven now and it was hard to keep him entertained.

Olivia was dressed nicely in a black off the shoulder dress. It didn't show any cleavage therefore no scars were visible. She had been using the cream Kathy had given her but it was true to Kathy's word, it was taking some time to work but also, Olivia hadn't exactly been applying it correctly. It was more so when she had time or would think about it. It wouldn't completely get rid of the scars anyways, just help them fade.

Olivia had opened a new bottle of wine and Amanda had offered to serve it for her as the brunette cleaned up a bit in the kitchen.

" _Keep it comin' girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm talkin' about…_ " Fin said as Amanda filled his glass full of wine and laughed at him.

Then Fin turned to Cragen with a serious face. " _How long we have to stay here?_ " he asked his boss.

" _Just let me make a toast Fin, then you can rush home to… whatever it is that you rush home to._ " Cragen had told him.

It wasn't that Fin didn't enjoy being at Olivia's. He loved being here with her, and that was it. He couldn't exactly be himself around the captain, who had already eyed his full glass of wine, probably keeping track of how much Fin had already drank. Fin knew the old man was looking out for him but he didn't need it. Olivia was the one that needed to be kept in check, not him, but Cragen didn't know that and he didn't need to.

Amanda skipped Cragen obviously, because he didn't drink. She continued on to Nick who declined Amanda's offer for more wine.

" _Come on Nick, don't you get tired of always being the choir boy?_ " she asked with a smile, filling his glass up anyways. He smiled back at her and she had a twinkle in her eye.

Fin watched them. He had known for a while they were fucking but if they weren't careful, their captain was about to find out because the wine was making them start to slip.

Luckily, Cragen wasn't paying attention because he was gathering everyone to make his speech.

" _Okay, everybody, Listen up…. I know everyone had been worried about the new changes from 1PP._ " Cragen stated. " _The new mayor has his agenda but we don't make the rules, we follow them._ "

" _This a toast or a memorial?_ " Fin joked, giving their captain a hard time.

Cragen made a face and ignored him while everyone laughed.

" _And the good news is that so many people are leaving the department because of these changes that 1PP can't spare a sergeant to replace Munch, so they have agreed to let Detective, excuse me, Sergeant Benson to stay on with us as our assigned sergeant._ " Cragen told them.

" _Beautiful!_ " Fin exclaimed as they all toasted.

" _Hallelujah._ " Amanda stated. Olivia heard her but didn't glance at her as she clinked her glass with everyone else's glass. The brunette wasn't sure if Amanda had been sarcastic or truly happy. It sounded like a mixture in between. Despite Amanda being transferred a while ago, she'd still not grown much closer to the woman.

Nick had probably told the blonde that Olivia knew about them. Olivia didn't know if she approved yet or not. Technically she didn't because it might interfere with work, but she kept her thoughts to herself for now.

Afterwards, Nick and Amanda left together. Olivia shot Fin a knowing look. Cragen was helping Eileen with her coat so he hadn't noticed but Olivia made a mental note to have a talk with Nick about being too obvious.

Everyone had cleaned out of her apartment except for Cragen, who had given Eileen the keys to the car and sent her down, telling her he'd be down momentarily and she nodded, understanding. She seemed to know what he was staying behind to do.

Olivia looked at him curiously.

" _What's up?_ " she asked him, setting her wine glass down.

" _I need to talk to you about something…_ " he stated giving her sad eyes. She didn't like this, not one bit.

" _Okay…_ " she swallowed.

" _I'm leaving._ " He stated and her world stopped. She knew exactly what he had meant. No. This couldn't happen. Elliot, then Munch, now Cragen? Granted, Elliot came back but that wasn't the point.

Her eyes instantly watered and she walked over to the window, staring out at the city that was lit up this time of night by various lights.

Olivia remained silent.

" _I've got some vacation days. In a couple of weeks, I'm going to start using them. Eileen is going on a two-month cruise. I'm going to tag along…_ " He told her softly, walking up behind her. She could see his reflection in the window in front of her.

" _Turn around, Liv. Look at me…_ " he called to her softly.

She instantly did as she was told, her eyes full of water.

" _I'm happy for you._ " She whispered for fear of her voice breaking.

He went in for a hug and she accepted it. It was a long hug.

" _I love you so much, Olivia…_ " he said silently to her. " _And I'm so damn proud of you for everything you've accomplished._ " She sniffed and hugged him tighter, not wanting to pull away.

When they finally pulled back, she wiped under her eyes and spoke again.

" _You've been like a father to me Don… the best I could have ever asked for…_ " She told him.

" _And you've been like a daughter to me for many years now… We will stay in touch._ " He told her firmly. " _I mean it._ " He stated.

" _Okay,_ " she agreed but she had her doubts. Cell service and internet service wasn't available on a cruise boat, she knew that. So, he'd be out of touch for at least two months or so.

" _There's another thing…_ " he said.

She stood in front of him waiting for the blow.

" _They're going to put you in charge…_ " he told her, eyeing her for her reaction.

She sucked in her breath. Oh yeah, she was the sergeant now… it was her duty to stand in for him. Fuck.

Olivia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. " _Okay…_ " she said shakily.

" _It'll be for at least my two vacation months, then they should find someone else, but you're ready for it._ " He told her strongly.

Was she? She wasn't so sure but now she had no choice.

" _I'm not telling them yet, the squad… I plan on doing it in a couple of day… just wanted to give you the heads-up._ " Cragen told her.

She thanked him. She would indeed need time to process this.

He moved towards the door. He needed to get down to Eileen. It was rude to make her wait too long but either way she'd understand.

Olivia walked him to the door.

He stopped to look at her.

" _How are things between you and El?_ " he asked, his eyes full of curiosity.

She knew what he was doing, Olivia wasn't dumb.

" _We're still not sleeping together._ " She replied with a knowing smile. The last time he'd asked her about herself and Elliot, it was when they had been partners and the rumors about the two were getting to Cragen. He was asking for a different reason now. Before, he had been concerned about his unit and their partnership, the ability to do their jobs. Now, it was because he was curious and knew Elliot was divorced.

" _Well,_ " he sighed. It almost sounded like he was disappointed they hadn't gotten together. She spoke before he could finish his thought.

" _We've talked a small amount about our feelings though…_ " She told him and he raised his eyebrows in surprise. He'd known they'd had feelings way back when. Who didn't?

" _I needed him to be my friend, to help me through the Lewis thing…_ " Olivia told her soon-to-be not captain. " _He knows how I felt about him when we were partners…_ " She shrugged. " _He said his feelings had been mutual…_ " she smiled slightly. It still made her feel warm to know that he'd loved her when they were partners. They hadn't talked about how they were feeling currently, that had all been on the back burner for now and she wasn't sure where it would go.

Cragen smiled. " _I knew you two always had feelings for each other…_ " He smiled at her and now she began to turn red… oh geeze. " _But at least you two were able to keep your hands off each other… unlike Amaro and Rollins._ "

Olivia's eyes went wide and her eyebrows shot up in surprise.

" _You know?_ " She exclaimed.

" _Of course I know…_ " He told her, giving her another knowing look.

" _You haven't done anything about it…_ " she stated, confused.

" _I've known for weeks but it hasn't interfered with their jobs so far… besides,_ " he smiled at her, " _they'll be your problem soon…_ " Olivia rolled her eyes and he gave her a light laugh.

Cragen turned to go, opening the door to leave.

All the sudden, Olivia felt panicky.

" _Hey,_ " she called out to him. He turned around to see what she needed only to have her come in for another hug.

" _I love you too…_ " She whispered as she hugged him tightly. Those three little words had always been hard for her to say. She'd even had trouble saying them to her own mother. She had told Brian that she loved him but she hadn't meant it in the way he'd thought. She'd meant she loved him as him, as a person, as someone who had put up with her and who had been with her but she wasn't in love with him. She'd never said it in her previous relationships.

Cragen hugged her tightly, kissing her on the cheek as they broke apart.

" _I'm not leaving you,_ " he told her strictly, " _just the unit._ "

She smiled and nodded in understanding.

After Cragen left, he'd called her. She had thought he forgot something but it was about Nick. Apparently after Nick and Amanda had left, they had come across two officers in pursuit. Amanda and Nick tried to aid them, Nick had ended up shooting a young, black boy and an officer was shot.

Shit went down. Tucker got involved. It was pretty bad.

As it turns out, the boy never had a gun, Nick had shot an innocent kid, and the officer had shot herself by accident due to her gun ricocheting.

The officer in question was refusing to speak, which put Nick in a tight position. He could be charged and go to trial. Also, a bystander recorded the incident and released doctored footage anonymously. Which really fucked Nick's case up.

Olivia pulled Amanda into an empty interview room.

" _You need to back off…_ " Olivia told her quietly.

The blonde looked at her with angry eyes.

" _I know you're worried and you care, but you're slipping, Amanda._ " She told the younger woman cautiously.

" _I don't need you telling me how to act, Sergeant._ " Amanda had thrown at her, emphasizing the word 'sergeant'.

The blonde headed to the interview room door but Olivia was beside her in an instant, throwing her hand against the door, preventing Amanda from opening it.

" _Olivia!_ " she exclaimed. Dragging her into an interview room was one thing, forcing her to stay there was another.

Olivia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. " _Cragen knows._ " She whispered.

Amanda stopped trying to open the door instantly. She had known Olivia knew about her and Nick but they'd never spoken of it before.

The younger woman looked down, closing her eyes and leaning her forehead against the cool door. " _You told him…_ " she whispered.

" _No._ " Olivia stated firmly, slightly taken aback that she thought Olivia would betray Nick like that. The brunette wasn't sure how far trust went between her and Amanda, but she wouldn't have done that to Nick.

Amanda looked at her, turning her body around and continued to lean against the door.

" _And I resent that you think I'd do that to Nick, at least without reason or a heads-up to both of you…_ " Olivia told her. Amanda nodded her head, not saying anything else and deciding to look at the ground.

" _He figured it out on his own… you know, he used to be a detective too…_ " she told Amanda. " _Cragen told me he wouldn't split you two up if you didn't give him reason to, if it didn't interfere with your work… so calm down with Nick for right now, Okay?_ "

Amanda gave Olivia very confused look. " _How long has he known?_ "

" _From what I can gather?_ " Olivia replied. " _A while._ "

Amanda nodded.

" _So, just back off, don't let your feelings show or anything… if you have any…_ " Olivia still wasn't sure where Nick and Amanda stood. She didn't know if they were just fucking or dating but Amanda was definitely showing that she cared at least a little.

" _Alright,_ " Amanda said silently.

Olivia backed up further away from the blonde, signaling that that was all she wanted to say and that it was fine to leave now.

Amanda mumbled a " _sorry_ " and " _thanks_ " as she exited the room. Olivia huffed and waited a beat before exiting behind her.

Later, there was a drive-by shooting at Nick's house. His mother and daughter weren't harmed but were shaken. Nick went crazy, going at the assailants with a baseball bat. That didn't look good for him and Olivia was forced to give Tucker a heads-up.

Nick's house was now a crime scene so he couldn't stay there. Olivia offered him her apartment of course. He agreed much to Amanda's disliking. The blonde had told him their captain knew about them, she'd explained what Olivia had told her. With Cragen knowing about them, he couldn't possibly stay with Amanda so Olivia it was.

The brunette was just coming back from getting him a blanket and some pillows. Damn her for procrastinating on setting up the guest bedroom. She still hadn't done it and it was definitely on her to-do list now.

He sat down on the couch, accepting the blanket and pillow.

" _Why didn't you give me a heads up about Cragen knowing?"_ he asked quietly _. "I'm your partner…_ "

Olivia huffed and sat down on the couch beside him. " _I only found out right after the dinner party. Shit hit the fan before I could tell you, then you'd had so much on your plate that I figured I'd wait._ " She told him lightly.

He nodded. He understood and she was thankful for that.

" _How's Zara?_ " Olivia asked.

" _She's on her way to D.C. with my mom to meet up with Maria, who is beyond pissed at me…_ " he told her sadly.

" _It'll be okay, Nick._ " She told him, rubbing his back lightly.

" _Maria is going for full custody…_ " he whispered, putting his head in his hands.

" _Nick…_ " she gave him a sympathetic look but didn't see it.

Olivia wrapped her arms around his shoulders and leaned over onto him, resting her forehead against his temple. She had no words for him. She'd never had a kid, she didn't know how it felt to be in a heated custody battle. Sure, she'd had Calvin and she'd loved him dearly but it would be nothing compared to what Nick felt like.

He put his hands down in his lap, leaning towards her, resting the side of his head against hers.

" _I can't blame her… if it was the other way around, I'd do the same…_ " he whispered

" _You're a good cop, Nick._ " She told him.

" _I know…_ " he whispered.

She pulled back and grabbed his shoulders, making him look her in the eye.

" _You're a good father._ " She stated firmly.

" _I know…_ " he whispered again but she wasn't sure he truly believed it. Olivia released him, sitting back. His eyes were filling with tears and he wiped a hand down his face in an attempt to collect himself and his emotions.

" _Anyways…_ " he stated, wanting to change the subject. His life had been hell for the past couple of days, he needed to talk about something else.

" _How are you doing?_ " Nick asked her.

" _I'm good._ " She tells him.

" _Really?_ " He cautioned.

She smiled gingerly.

" _Yes, really. Therapy is good, I'm good. Everything is going good, I promise._ " Olivia told him.

He smiled. He was happy for her. Happy she'd gotten to a happy medium.

" _How's Stabler?_ " he asked. " _He's still around right?_ "

" _Yeah, he's still here…_ " she answered. Olivia could see the curiosity in his eyes. " _You and him, you two uhh…_ " he trailed off, giving her a look.

Olivia rolled her eyes.

" _Why does everyone keep asking me if I'm fucking Elliot?_ " She wondered more to herself than asking Nick. His eyebrows shot up at her bluntness but he was waiting for her answer.

" _We're not hooking up…_ " she replied. " _But everyone seems to think we might be…_ " she answered honestly.

" _Well, he is single now…_ " Nick replied with a smile and Olivia hit him lightly on the arm. " _I'm serious,_ " he stated. " _You two had feelings back in the day. What's stopping you?_ " he asked. " _The feelings not there anymore?_ "

" _I…_ " she tried. " _They're still there… but it's complicated right now. I'm just coming out of the other side of this whole Lewis things… and of some other things…_ " she trailed off. She didn't really want to tell him all of it but his eyes flashed when he heard the end of her sentence.

" _Other things?_ " He questioned, started to worry.

" _It's nothing._ " She promised him.

He kept eyeing her though. They didn't have trust problems per say, but he knew she wasn't telling him something now. She hadn't wanted to, the last thing she needed was for him to question her on the job, to question if she was sober on the job.

" _I'm okay, I promise._ " She continued, reassuring him that she was indeed okay and deciding not to mention vodka. That's a secret she wanted to keep for herself. Only a handful of people knew and that's how she wanted it for now.

" _Alright,_ " he accepted.

She stood up, getting ready to head to her room.

Olivia allowed Fin and Elliot to share her bed, but she wasn't going to give that luxury to Nick. She was about to be his superior and to be honest, she trusted him, but she didn't have that level of friendship with him. He wasn't aware that Fin and Elliot had shared her bed with her anyways so he couldn't be jealous.

" _Goodnight,_ " she told him. " _Let me know if you need anything._ "

He smiled at her. " _Goodnight._ "


	19. Chapter 19

Olivia had been woken up by the sound of Nick in the living room. He'd been staying with her for a few weeks now. He'd cut a deal with IAB. He was on desk duty and he had a bunch of hoops to jump through before he would be allowed to be back to his normal job. It was all bullshit really and Olivia felt bad for him.

After the case was over, Cragen had shared his news with everyone but had waited a couple weeks longer before leaving, deciding to meet Eileen at one of the cruise stops instead of starting it with her. Olivia was officially in charge now. It felt weird and she was a bit nervous but she figured it'd grow on her in time.

She grabbed her house coat and went into the living room.

" _Shit, Liv. Did I wake you?_ " he asked, getting his suitcase together.

" _No…_ " she lied.

Apparently, he could see through her lies at the early hour. " _I'm sorry._ " He told her honestly.

" _You're fine. You can stay here as long as you want… you're my partner._ " she told him as she sat on a barstool, pouring herself some coffee.

" _You're my boss._ " He corrected her. " _And I'm leaving, I've been here long enough._ "

She looked over at him with a mixture of surprise and curiosity.

" _I'm gonna head to D.C. I'm gonna get Maria back._ " He told her brightly.

Olivia swallowed. Shit was about to hit the fan for him and Amanda then, and of course he did on her first official day on the job as the leader.

She cleared her throat. " _Umm… have you mentioned this to Amanda?_ " she asked him.

He looked up at her with a blank face and almost a hint of warning in his eyes.

She held her hands up as a sign of good faith. " _I'm asking as a friend, not as your boss… as your boss, I have no knowledge of anything else…_ " she told him.

They hadn't talked about his relationship with Amanda since it had become known that she would be temporarily replacing Cragen. He'd been too scared to discuss it with her and Amanda had flat out avoided her.

" _I told her yesterday…_ " he stated. " _She's fine, she knows we were only fucking._ " His words sounded harsh. Way harsher than he meant probably.

" _Alright, well… good luck._ " She told him, giving him a fake smile. Olivia didn't believe for one second that Maria would take him back but she was going to try and be supportive. She had other things to deal with now anyways.

Her phone dinged with an incoming message.

" _We caught a case?_ " he perked up.

" _Yeah, young vic at Mercy ER. I need to go get ready._ " She told him.

" _Hey…_ " he called to her. " _I'm already up and dressed… I can go…_ " he tried to smile but she frowned and huffed.

" _No, you can't, Nick._ " She stated. " _That's why it's called desk duty._ " Olivia was being forceful, she had to be.

Nick had anger in his eyes and he was directing it towards her. He turned around and left her apartment, slamming the door harder than he should have.

Olivia rolled her eyes and headed to the shower. This was a terrible start to her first day…

She jumped in the shower quickly, dressed and fixed her hair to standard, applying make-up and her signature jewelry. Olivia had started dressing up for work again, as well as fixing her hair and fully applying make-up. It was something she'd learned from therapy. Even if she didn't feel good inside on some days, she could dress to the nines and it would automatically make her feel better even if it was only by a small amount.

Olivia had to wait at the hospital for about thirty minutes before Amanda finally arrived. It had been Amanda's turn to catch and since Olivia was in charge and this was her first day, she was catching all the cases for now until she got used to the ropes.

The elevator dinged and out came Amanda with her hair on top of her head, a small amount of make-up on, and… sunglasses?

" _You're late,_ " Olivia commented bluntly.

" _Yeah, sorry,_ " Amanda stated as she put the glasses on top of her head. " _Franny ate chocolate and I had to run her to the vet last night…_ "

" _Okay, well next time let me know._ " Olivia stated annoyedly. "I _could have called in Fin. Alright, Amanda? Amaro's on desk duty, you know that. We're shorthanded._ "

Olivia bent down cocking her head to the side and getting eye level with Amanda. " _You gotta show up._ " She stated forcefully.

" _Okay,_ " Amanda nodded her head in understanding.

They walked down the hall and Olivia filled her in on the case they'd caught. The girl had done a rape kit but refused to talk to her or Amanda. Back at the station, they interviewed the men who found her. It was clear she'd been sexually assaulted.

Olivia let Amaro talk to them, apparently, he'd called Maria and she wasn't up for the visit from him, so he'd decided to come into work. Olivia and Amanda watched through the double mirror glass.

The brunette turned down the speaker to the adjoining room.

" _Girl had a rough night_." Olivia stated.

" _Yeah, and you were pretty rough with her too…_ " Amanda commented in a small voice.

" _She has to talk or we have nothing,_ " Olivia told the younger woman, they walked off together still talking.

Nick came out of the interview room. " _Liv, you got a minute?_ " but Olivia was still talking to Amanda.

" _Go back and check with the hospital-_ " She was mid-sentence with Amanda when Nick got loud with her.

" _Liv!_ " he called.

" _What!?_ " she half yelled back.

" _Can we talk?_ " He asked with an attitude. " _In private?_ "

Olivia rolled her eyes and stalked off after him to an empty interview room. Nick still had their case folder in his hands and shut the door behind them. She sat down.

" _We're short staffed and I'm not good with the desk duty. I want my gun back!_ " he exclaimed.

" _It's only been a few weeks since the shooting, Nick._ " Olivia tried to tell him calmly. " _Okay, you don't know what could startle you…_ "

" _So, you think I'll shoot someone else,_ " he said in a frustrating voice while pacing around her.

" _Or you could hesitate._ " She stood up, getting near him. " _PTSD is real, Nick. It is a process, don't rush it._ " She told him forcefully.

" _Let me just try it and I'll know…_ " he half begged have yelled.

" _It's not just you that I have to worry about. I have this entire squad on my shoulders, it's my responsibility now._ "

" _Yeah, I know PTSD is real…_ " He eyed her, his anger was rolling off him in waves. Nick was fuming. He got closer to her " _Just because you couldn't handle what happened to you, and you couldn't handle your PTSD, doesn't mean I can't._ "

Amanda had arrived, needing to interrupt them because she had heard back from the hospital, but she'd heard Nick's statement and she backed away. There was no way in hell she was interrupting them at this moment.

Upon Nick's statement, Olivia squared up with him. She got directly in his face to where their noses were almost touching and they were eye to eye. She looked at him fearlessly.

" _You son-of-a-bitch._ " She whispered. " _You're out of line, Nick._ " She was pissed and a little hurt, but she wasn't going to let the latter one show. Olivia was definitely pulling the 'rank card' right now, on her first day. Wow, that didn't take long…

It seemed like he had momentarily realized that he'd fucked up. His anger was simmering down and he needed to apologize quickly before she put him on desk duty for longer than mandatory.

" _Liv, I-_ " But she refused to hear him out and cut him off.

" _Get the hell out of my sight._ " She told him. " _Now!_ " she added when he attempted to speak again.

Nick did as he was told, he turned around and almost ran smack into Amanda, who neither one of them had noticed was standing there until now.

Olivia rolled her eyes. Nick exited the room and went to the left. She didn't know where he was headed and she didn't care. She turned to the right, opposite of him, heading into the squad room.

Amanda followed behind her quickly.

" _Um, Sergeant, the hospital got back to me…_ " Amanda stated but Olivia wasn't in the mind set for this right now.

As the brunette came tearing through the room, Fin looked up from his desk noting something was wrong.

" _Liv?_ " he called out.

" _Tell Fin what you have._ " She told Amanda, and ran into her office grabbing her jacket, then coming back out quickly.

Fin immediately stood up. His face was covered in worry.

Amanda stood frozen, not knowing what to do.

" _Where you going, Olivia?_ " Fin questioned, walking over to her but she was on the move.

" _Hold down the fort, I'm going to get some air._ " She told him.

He ran to catch up with her and Amanda stayed rooted in her spot.

" _Hey, stop._ " She stopped momentarily, feeling Fin's hand on her arm. Olivia made eye contact with him. He wasn't trying to baby her or embarrass her on her first day but she clearly wasn't okay. " _What's wrong?_ " he whispered to her.

Olivia cut her eyes to Nick who had just walked into the room. " _Ask him…_ " she stated and began to walk off again.

The brunette stopped before she got to the door, looking back at Amanda and changing her mind as to what she was setting off to do.

" _You,_ " she called to her, pointing a finger at her. " _Come with me._ " And with that she was off through the door. Amanda had to jog to keep up. Fin watched briefly as Olivia bypassed the elevator and headed to the stairs. He was curious but he had something else to do.

" _What the fuck did you do to Olivia?_ " Olivia heard Fin's voice questioning Nick but she didn't look back. She entered the stairwell. Olivia was fast but Amanda was on her tail.

Olivia climbed the stairs with Amanda behind her until they reached the roof.

The older woman pushed the door open and didn't bother holding it for Amanda as she stalked past it and took a dee breath of fresh air. Olivia walked over to the edge and perched her arms on the concrete, leaning over slightly.

Amanda followed her cautiously, mirroring her stance but put some distance between them. Olivia began to talk as Amanda joined her.

The brunette didn't look at the other woman as she spoke.

" _I don't know what I'm more pissed about, Amaro pulling this shit on me about my PTSD, you gambling again, or you both choosing to this bullshit the morning of my first day…_ " There was a touch of anger in Olivia's voice but it wasn't directed fully towards Amanda. Right now, it was just anger in general.

Amanda looked to Olivia in surprise.

The older woman returned the look. " _You thought I couldn't tell?_ " Olivia let out a small laugh. " _You reeked of booze and cigarettes this morning…you weren't drunk, but you were hungover._ " she explained.

Amanda felt her eyes water and she looked away. She'd been found out and she didn't know what to do. Surly her job was over now.

" _Okay,_ " Amanda mumbled and turned around to make her way to the door. She was just going to go back downstairs and pack her things. It was fine, she hadn't expected to hide her relapse forever but she also hadn't expected to be found out so quickly.

" _Hey!_ " Olivia called out to her, turning around and seeing Amanda stop in her tracks. " _You can't just run off and go back to work after I say something like that._ " She told her.

" _I was going to clean out my desk._ " Amanda told her. She then turned to Olivia and the brunette could see a tear making its way down Amanda's face.

" _I'm… I'm not firing you, Amanda._ " Olivia said lightly, her face softening once she realized how vulnerable Amanda currently was.

The blonde crossed her arms over her chest protectively. " _Then what are you doing, Sergeant?_ " Amanda asked honestly.

" _Up here,_ " she gestured around at the roof, " _I'm not Sergeant Benson, Okay? I'm Olivia… I just wanted to talk._ "

Amanda stood still, taking in everything her new superior had told her.

Finally, she made her way back to Olivia's side again, this time a tad bit closer to the older woman.

Amanda resumed her position of leaning over on the concrete fixture with her hands clasped in front of her while Olivia's back remained resting against it.

" _There's nothing to talk about,_ " Amanda said, not looking at Olivia. She wiped her face casually, trying to wipe the tear away but she knew more would come eventually. " _I relapsed… You should fire me._ "

Olivia pursed her lips together in a thin line. She didn't agree with the younger woman.

" _You slipped, it happens…_ " Olivia told her, sliding until she was right next to Amanda.

The blonde had never seen this side of Olivia before. She'd seen the woman with victims and how she could be caring and compassionate, but this was new to her. Amanda was starting to feel like Olivia cared and it was odd. They weren't close, Amanda didn't even consider them close friends. She had initially looked up to Olivia when she first joined her unit. Now, she was more so scared of her and intimidated by her.

Amanda turned around, sliding to the ground until she was sitting.

" _I don't want to have this conversation with you._ " She whispered boldly.

Olivia sat down beside her on the roof. " _Tough shit, because I'm all you've got right now._ " The older woman told her softly.

Amanda sniffled as another round of tears flooded her face.

These days, Olivia had made it a habit of keeping tissues in at least one of her pockets, so she took one out and gave it to Amanda.

" _This happen because of Nick? Because he wants to get back with Maria?_ " She asked the blonde.

" _No… yeah… a bit of both._ " Amanda stated in a whisper. She didn't like this. She was talking to Olivia about a former lover who happened to be in her unit and about a gambling addiction, both of which she could get fired or transferred for.

" _I thought you were coming up here to blow off some steam from what Nick said._ " Amanda told her.

" _I was,_ " Olivia replied. " _But I decided to address your issue instead while we have a moment before the case really takes off._ "

" _We need to head back down there…_ " Amanda trailed off, trying to talk Olivia into ending the conversation and going back inside.

" _No, my detectives come first._ " Olivia stated firmly. It was the first time she'd referred to the other detectives as her own and it made her smile.

" _I know it doesn't seem like it,_ " Olivia told her, " _But I care, about all of you. Even Nick, even though he's being an asshole right now._ "

" _He was wrong for saying that._ " Amanda commented.

" _I know that, and so does he. And I will give him hell for it, I assure you._ " Olivia promised.

" _But right now, I want to focus on you. What are you going to do now?_ " The brunette asked her.

Amanda used the tissue again to wipe her face, blotting the wetness from the tears.

" _I don't know…_ " She said honestly. " _I fucked up. I am a fuck up. It's all I do…_ " She whispered.

A small smile grazed Olivia's lips. She remembered when she'd said those exact same words to Fin all those months ago.

" _Yeah, you fucked up. But we all have, me included. We're going to fix this._ " Olivia told her firmly.

" _We?_ " she asked.

" _Yes, "we". Fin and I, we will be your backbone, make sure you're going to meetings regularly and getting the help you need. We'll be your support system. Probably him more than me right now. I have this squad to run, but one of us will be there._ " Olivia promised.

Amanda rolled her eyes at the thought of telling Fin what she'd done and it was like Olivia read her mind.

" _I'll even tell him for you if you want, but you need a support system. Fin and I are the most stable ones in the unit right now._ " Olivia explained.

" _I don't know the exact details of what went on between you and Nick, and I'd prefer not to hear them right now, but don't count on him, not right now. He's got a mess of his own with the shooting, his divorce, the custody battle… Neither of you are stable. We'll keep him in check too, but I'm here for you and Fin will be too, I promise. We're a team, Cragen taught me that._ " Olivia assured her.

Amanda sniffled and nodded her head in agreement.

Olivia stood up and reached out a hand to help Amanda up as well.

They walked back to the door together and Olivia stopped before opening it. She turned to Amanda. " _I'm going to give you a hug now._ "

The younger woman looked surprised but accepted it.

" _You're going to be fine, I promise._ " Olivia whispered in her ear before pulling away.

" _When we walk through this door,_ " the older woman said, pointing to the door that led to the stairwell, " _I go back to being the sergeant. But I am still your friend._ " She told her.

" _I am your friend, Amanda._ " Olivia told the woman firmly. " _I know I don't always act like it and we aren't close, but if you need me, I'm there._ " She gave Amanda a reassuring smile and opened the door for the blonde to walk through.

Olivia figured Amanda would feel more comfortable confiding in Fin but she at least needed Amanda to know she was on her side and that she had her back if it came down to it.

Maybe her first day as acting squad leader wasn't terrible. She'd maybe done something right.

As the day went on, they made progress on their case. Nick had apologized several times and Olivia gave him a hard time for a while but eventually let up. He needed to know he couldn't do that with her. Nick was lucky she had come so far in her therapy otherwise it could have been a trigger for her.

Fin had her back and he'd promised to have Amanda's when Olivia explained to him what happened.

In fact, Amanda had opened up more to him when they went out on an errand together later that day, which was fine with Olivia. As long as Amanda was talking to someone and was getting a shoulder to lean on. Fin was good at that.

She was really doing this, holding her squad together. It had been a little rocky at first, but it was alright now and she couldn't be more proud. At the end of the day, she made a mental note that she needed to set up a lunch with Elliot or at least call him.

 **Thoughts? I'm getting back to Elliot I promise. I'm just trying not to make it about him every single chapter.**


	20. Chapter 20

**Smut Warning.**

Fin kept Amanda in check. She'd been going to meetings regularly and Fin made sure if she needed to talk, that he was there. The blonde hadn't said much more about it to Olivia. She'd pulled Olivia aside one day and told her thanks, letting her now she was attending meetings. Olivia had smiled and nodded. For the most part, Amanda stuck to communicating with Fin and that was fine with the sergeant. Olivia had a lot on her plate and she didn't need to take on more but if Amanda needed her, she'd still be there.

Olivia had gone months without sex. She'd been able to masturbate a few times and she was grateful that if had felt normal to her. She was testing the waters, making sure she wouldn't trigger or flashback. It's something that she had needed to do before having sex again. She probably should have done it before she tried to sleep with Brian the last time but even after those few weeks after her assault, the full impact of the trauma hadn't hit her yet. It'd fully hit during the trial.

That time between the trial and assault, it was like she was floating in space, she was stuck in a happy medium, but she hadn't realized it until the trial hit and she came crashing down.

Now, she had decided she wanted sex but it needed to be with someone she trusted, someone she'd been with before.

He'd been checking on her since her ordeal with Lewis. A text here, a call there. After the trial, they'd met for coffee. He just wanted to visually see that she was okay.

They'd talked for a while and he'd congratulated her on her new status as sergeant and acting squad commander.

Olivia had talked about it with him, about her intimacy problems. When she and him had first gotten together, it'd been hard, but once she had opened up, she knew she'd always feel comfortable. Olivia still had walls up, she always would, but at least he was someone she'd let in. She'd even told him what had happened with Brian.

Eventually, they'd settled on a small plan. He wasn't seeing anyone and she needed someone trust worthy. It would be a one-time thing.

He arrived at her apartment on her day off, late afternoon.

" _David,_ " she greeted as she opened the door. He still cared about her of course, he always would. He'd also have respect for her and he had worked hard to earn her trust.

Sure, they didn't work out. He'd chosen his job, but when he had considered choosing her, she had let him know that wasn't an option. She'd never give up her job for him and she wanted the same courtesy.

He stepped inside her apartment in his work suit, fresh from his day at the office. He had ducked out early but truth be told, he didn't mind.

Olivia smiled. She was confident and nervous all at the same time. She had on a t-shirt with no bra, and some sweatpants.

She was already aroused before he arrived. The anticipation of sex was enough to make her ready for him, simply because it had been so very long since she'd actually had a man beneath her.

When she locked the door, he noticed there were more deadbolts on it than necessary but he didn't dare comment.

He stood in her living room until she motioned for him to sit on the couch and she sat beside him. He noticed an empty wine glass on the coffee table but he could already tell she wasn't even tipsy. He figured she'd had a few sips to take the edge off.

He put his arm behind her on the couch. " _We don't have to do this if you're worried or having second thoughts…_ " he told her.

" _No, we're doing it._ " She told him firmly while smiling. " _There are just some… ground rules…_ " she said quietly. Olivia wished there didn't have to be, but she needed them.

" _Yeah?_ " he smiled back, willing to do whatever she needed him to. David didn't care how her body looked. He'd kept up with her trial. There were marks, burns that were now scars. He knew that. He was already half hard just knowing he was going to get to sleep with her again.

" _Yeah…_ " she replied, biting her lip.

" _Alright, let me hear 'em then._ " He told her.

Olivia leaned back against his arm, resting her head on it while she looked at him.

" _It's going to be dark. I need it to be dark, almost pitch black…_ "

" _Alright, whatever you want, but for the record, I don't care about the marks… you know that._ " He told her, rubbing her shoulder with his hand.

" _I'm sure you don't, but I need it._ " She stated and he nodded his head in acknowledgement. " _When I tried with Brian, I was in a different mind frame, I was a different person then. I hadn't… felt the full force of the trauma or flashbacks._ " She knew sometimes it took a bit after an assault for victims to fully feel everything and when they did, it hit them all at once just like it had her when the trial started.

" _You can touch me, just don't linger on the scars that you feel… I need you to pretend that they aren't there, that William Lewis didn't happen… I need it to be just another night of sex…_ " she told him quietly, leaning her head up and eyeing him to see if he could handle it. " _I don't want to make love and I don't want to fuck, I need something in between…_ "

" _Alright,_ " he stated simply. " _You can trust me. We'll go at your pace, do this thing your way._ " He promised her, running his fingers through her hair. She leaned into his touch and closed her eyes briefly.

Olivia had missed this. Not necessarily with David but just the loving touch of a man on her skin.

" _I need to be in control…_ " she whispered to him. David dipped his head in for a kiss. It was nice and yearning. " _Of course,_ " he'd agreed.

She'd smiled and kissed him again. " _I need to be on top… at least in the beginning…_ " Olivia whispered against his lips and continued their make out session.

" _I like a woman in charge…_ " He whispered to her seductively once he broke the kiss. She smiled. Olivia had remembered how he loved it when she took control in the bedroom. She also remembered how he liked to take control too, which is why she had voiced her need to him now.

Putting both hands up to his face, she leaned in and brought him in for a heated kiss. It was hot, it was heavy, and their tongues swirled together.

David moaned into her mouth.

Olivia was feeling more confident now.

She let her left hand slip from his face and travel down to between his legs. She was testing the waters again, testing to see how hard he was and to see what her reaction would be if she touched him through his pants. She'd felt Lewis through his pants several times when he had pressed himself against her, so she was hoping this wouldn't be a trigger for her.

Olivia was relieved to feel him almost fully erect beneath her fingers and she was even more relieved when she didn't flash back. She was completely okay and aroused herself.

" _Mmmhmm…_ " he responded to her touch, breaking the kiss once more and leaning his forehead against hers.

" _Come on,_ " she told him as she grabbed his hand and led him to her bedroom. He hadn't been to her new apartment before.

They entered the room and her black out curtains were closed. Not that it'd much matter, it was getting so late in the afternoon now that dusk was upon them. It'd be dark outside within the hour. Olivia shut the door behind them and the only light in the room was a small lamp. They made their way to the bed before Olivia reached over and shut it off.

She heard him unzipping his pants and then what she figured was him removing his shirt. The springs on her bed sounded as he made his way to the center, laying on his back.

She rid herself of her clothing and the bed dipped as she made her way to him.

The city lights and what little sunlight was left, shone through the top of her curtains however, it was still dark. Olivia could make out his outline and that was all. It was exactly how she wanted it.

Olivia crawled over to him and settled on top of his pelvis, straddling him.

He smiled but she couldn't see that. His hands slid up her thighs and to her hips, resting there. She said he could touch after all…

Olivia dipped down, her hard nipples grazing his chest as she grabbed onto his shoulder for balance and made contact with his mouth. It was a soft kiss.

David slid his left hand up her back, rubbing on the skin to comfort her.

She rested her forehead against his as her hair loosely fell around them. Olivia took a deep breath.

" _You can do this…_ " he whispered to her. " _It's just me… you're gonna be fine, Liv. I've got you._ " He promised her. He could practically feel her smile against his lips but when she didn't speak, he continued.

" _I know you feel how hard I am…_ " he received a small giggle from her, which made him laugh as well. He pecked her on the lips. " _You're practically dripping…_ " If the lights had been on, he would have seen her turn a shade of red. " _We've had plenty of practice,_ " he said, referring to their past relationship.

" _I know…_ " she said flirtatiously, sitting up.

His hands went back to her thighs as she sat up to align his hardened member with her entrance.

She took a breath and in one swift motion, she sat down and he was inside her. Her eyes squeezed shut and she put her hands on his chest to keep in contact with her surroundings.

" _Mhm,_ " was the sound he made when he'd entered her for the first time in a long time.

He instantly noticed she wasn't moving.

" _You okay?_ " he asked gently.

" _Yeah… just been a while… give me a sec…_ " she told him, keeping her eyes shut but he couldn't see that.

" _It's okay, Olivia. Take your time._ " He coaxed her.

After a few more seconds, she began to slowly rock back and forth.

She thought it was stupid really, that her body had been acting like this and she had to be so cautious of sex. She was fine with Brian when he'd entered her and that was closer to after the attack. Why had sex all the sudden become so hard? Yeah, some of it had to do with Brian's reaction but it was more than that. She hadn't even been raped. This should be easier. Never the less, she continued.

Her eyes were opened now and she was enjoying the ride, enjoying the pleasure that was happening between her legs.

" _Mmhmm…_ " she moaned.

" _Yeah, that's it…_ " he whispered words of encouragement to her. Both of his hands moving to cup her ass. He'd always loved her ass. It was his favorite part of her body. She smiled and bit her lip as she increased her speed.

She continued her steady rocking and his hands moved to her front, starting on top of her belly and trailing their way up.

Her breath hitched as his hands ran over her scars between her breasts but he kept moving as if he hadn't felt them, grabbing her breasts and taking one in each hand.

Normally, this would be the part in their routine of sex where he'd lightly pinch her nipples but he stayed cautious that she was now a sexual assault victim. He didn't dare do anything like that to her now. Not without her permission, so he settled for fondling her chest instead.

" _Do it…_ " She whispered to him as if she could read his mind. He paused, unsure. " _David, do it…_ " she stated again but it sounded more like she was begging, wanting to feel his touch on her.

He lightly pinched both nipples. She threw her head back in ecstasy, " _Oh, God!_ " she said. Olivia leaned back, releasing her hands from his chest and now only using her hips to control the pace as her arms hung loosely beside her.

David sucked in a breath as she increased the pace once more. She was nearly going full force now.

" _Jesus, woman…_ " he hissed as she slammed down hard on his erection.

She felt good, like she'd never been sexually assaulted, like she was actually human. She had dreaded this, crossing this barrier but it had turned out good, so good.

" _David,_ " she whimpered, calling to him.

" _Yes, Sergeant…_ " He answered her in a deep husky voice. She smiled in her state of ecstasy.

" _Your hand… between my legs…_ " she asked shyly. " _Rub me?_ "

His right hand let go of her breast and was between her legs instantly, massaging the top of her mound covered with short hairs.

" _Ohhhh…_ " she moaned. He knew she was close. This was the quickest she'd ever cum while they were having sex. It made sense though. She'd been deprived of it for so long, of course she was going to fall apart soon. Hell, he wouldn't be surprised if she came more than once tonight.

He increased the speed of his circular movements.

Olivia grabbed her own left breast with her left hand and her right hand covered his that was already on her right breast.

" _Ah!_ " she said loudly as she came. " _Fucking… hell… ugh!_ "

He couldn't see her face but he didn't need to, to know that she was a vision when she came, to know that her face contorted, her eyes slammed shut, and half the time her mouth was open when she rode out her orgasm.

Her movements finally slowed and she was panting. He withdrew his hands after he was sure she was down from her spasms.

David waited for her next command.

Olivia rested her hands on his chest to find it slightly sweaty.

His rock hard member was still buried inside her. She knew she needed to get him off, and she would. She just needed a moment to come down.

" _How do you want me to get you off?_ " She asked. Her voice was calm and caring.

" _This is your show, you do it however you want, I'm not complaining… especially after that…_ " He said, referring to how she'd just rode him.

Olivia bit her lip, thinking. " _Can you stay?_ " she asked in a small voice.

She could almost hear him thinking.

" _I still don't wanna date,_ " she promised him. " _This is still a one-time fuck… I just… it'd be nice to have a man occupy my bed for a night…_ " Olivia confessed. In all honesty, she was lonely. She wanted someone to occupy her bed for more than one night.

" _I'll stay…_ " he whispered to her.

" _Look, you don't have to. I shouldn't have-_ "

He sat up, still buried inside her, pulling her close to him on his lap.

David kissed her on the lips. " _I'll stay…_ " he repeated in a hushed whispered. " _Tonight, I'm yours for whatever you need… just take it…_ " It was sexy, it was sexy as hell.

He leaned his forehead against hers, something that they seemed to be doing a lot of tonight.

She used her knees to move up and down on his erection.

He hissed as she slammed into him.

David's arms were wrapped around her and his hands were across her back.

Olivia brought her arms up and wrapped them around his neck, massaging the back of his head as her tongue asked for entrance to his mouth.

She continued to ride him, quickening her pace as they moaned together.

He broke the kiss to bury his head between her neck and shoulder, gritting his teeth.

He was about to explode.

Olivia threw her head back as she held him, feeling her breasts bounce against his chest.

His grip tightened on her.

" _Shit…_ " he hissed as he came inside her.

" _Ahhh…_ " he heard coming from her mouth and realized as her walls tightened around him, that she was having a second orgasm.

They rode their orgasms out together.

They stayed in that same position for a few seconds longer. He wasn't worried about not using a condom. She was taking birth control shots, she had been for years now. She'd given up on getting pregnant and if she did want to, she wasn't going to let it happen by accident with some random fuck or half-ass boyfriend that she'd had at the time.

He finally pulled back as he felt himself begin to soften. She unhooked her legs from him so he could lay back on the bed and she laid down next to him.

Olivia's left arm was leaning into his right arm and he could just barely feel her forehead touching his shoulder.

" _I did it…_ " she whispered in happiness and surprise.

"… _twice…_ " he whispered, making a joke. She, of course, had been referring to overcoming her fear of having sex, not orgasming. He felt her lightly hit him and he smiled.

" _You're really staying?_ " she asked.

" _Do I get to hold you?_ " he replied.

" _Yeah, if that's what you wanna do… just… no touching the scars, alright?_ " she stated.

" _Where are they at again?_ " he asked, needing to know where he wasn't allowed to touch. It was like he needed a map to this new body she had. He hated it for her, he knew she must be miserable.

" _Most are between my breasts, a couple around the nipples, and one between my legs on my right thigh…_ " she answered him, hating to admit the last location.

Olivia could feel him go rigid next to her. She knew it was probably because of the one so close to her private area.

He swallowed hard and she could hear it.

" _He didn't rape me, David._ " She stated boldly, leaning over to kiss his shoulder to calm his nerves.

David seemed to accept her answer as truthful.

" _Even if he did,_ " he told her softly, " _It wouldn't change how we did things tonight, it wouldn't change my attraction to you… you know that right?_ " he felt like he needed to reassure her. He needed her to know that even if the vilest, most heinous act had been committed against her body, that he'd still love it. He'd still love her ass and get turned on by her.

She stayed quiet but kissed his shoulder once more. This time the kiss was longer and more tentative. He took that as her answer.

" _Why aren't you dating, Liv?_ " He asked quietly. " _You're in a good place, you're in charge of the whole squad, from what you tell me, therapy is going so great that you don't have to go very often… you've survived the assault, you've come out the other side of this thing already._ " He told her. She had opted to leave out her small drinking scare.

" _I know…_ " she replied. She loved that they were still friends like this. She'd never been friends like this with anyone after a break up.

She and David could go weeks and weeks without talking and still pick up where they left off like no time had passed.

" _Did you really let sex stop you from having a relationship?_ " he asked her.

" _I already want someone…_ " she confided in him.

" _Who?_ " he asked, curious as ever.

" _I'm not telling you,_ " she retorted, slapping him lightly on the stomach.

" _Okay, so why not do this with him?_ " he asked her.

" _I need his friendship right now… not his dick._ " She replied honestly. " _When we get together… IF we ever get together… I want it to be real. I'll need it to be real. If it goes south…_ " she trailed off in thought. She didn't want to think about all of this right now.

" _Shit, Liv._ " He huffed. " _It sounds like you already… like you…_ "

" _Love him?_ " she asked. Just saying it took her breath away. She didn't have time to think about this relationship that didn't exist.

" _Okay…_ " David understood what she was saying. " _Just… be careful okay… I hurt you, Brian hurt you…_ " He didn't like seeing her hurt. Seeing Olivia Benson cry was one of his weaknesses. The image of her getting upset during their break up will always be burned into his mind.

" _Hey,_ " she sat up on her elbows even though it was completely pitch black now. " _You didn't hurt me, we made a mutual decision. I wouldn't give up my job and you weren't going to either, remember?_ "

David huffed. " _Yeah…_ " he groaned like a little kid who was annoyed at something and she rolled her eyes in the dark.

" _Can I hold you now?_ " he asked, changing the subject.

" _Yeah…_ " she allowed, rolling over with her back to him so he could hold onto her from behind, spooning her. It was a nice feeling. They were both tired and after several minutes, they finally drifted off to sleep.

Olivia woke him up once more that night. She had woken up and decided to take advantage of having a man in her bed. She reached over and ran her right hand over his member, letting her fingers run through the short hairs that were between his legs.

David had hardened and woken up instantly. They'd fucked and both came. He spooned her and they drifted off once more.

Olivia was lucky enough to be off again the next day, a luxury she didn't see very often now that she was acting squad commander.

David didn't have to be into the office until later.

She opened her eyes and saw the sun had been brighter than the day before. There was a small amount of light in the room but the covers were pulled up to her chest. She was glad, she wasn't in the mood to let David see her scars. She didn't know if she'd ever share them with him.

He was already awake and staring at her.

" _What time is it?_ " she asked.

" _Umm…_ " he leaned over and checked his phone. " _Almost ten._ "

" _Shit…_ " she stated, sitting up and frantically looking for her shirt.

" _I thought you had the day off?_ " he asked, looking confused.

" _I promised Elliot I'd meet him in the part so we could go to lunch…_ " she stated, still searching for clothing.

" _Elliot… Stabler?_ " he asked, sitting up in bed.

She looked at him and saw he was making a face with one eyebrow raised.

" _Don't start…_ " she warned him, finally finding her t-shirt.

He smirked at her.

 **Thoughts? Suggestions? What do you want to read? The second Lewis incident will be coming up in a few chapters.**


	21. Chapter 21

Olivia had promised Elliot she'd meet him at the park at eleven, so she hadn't had time to shower. She'd thrown on some jeans and her comfortable bra under one of her NYPD t-shirts. Olivia didn't like branding herself as NYPD when she was off but it's all she could find to wear at the moment, desperately needing to do laundry. The jeans she threw on had been also worn earlier in the week.

She'd still had on some make up from the previous day, so she touched it up a bit. Her hair was wild and she smelled like sex.

Running a hairbrush through her hair would be a bad idea, so she ran her fingers through it instead, taming it the best she could. It actually didn't look that bad. She sprayed some perfume on and she was out the door.

David had left shortly after she'd began frantically getting ready. He'd been sweet, even kissed her goodbye.

" _Anything you need,_ " he'd told her, " _Call me._ " He had followed her into the bathroom when she was checking out her appearance.

Olivia had cocked an eyebrow at him. " _We're not making this a 'friends with benefits' thing._ " She told him firmly. They'd always been good at sex, but she only needed him this once. " _It was a one-time thing…_ "

He smiled at her, wagging his eyebrows and making her laugh. She hit his chest lightly. " _Get out of here you goof._ " She'd told him. He'd laughed in response and exited her apartment.

Now, she had finally arrived at the park. It was five minutes after eleven, so she wasn't that late.

Olivia spotted Elliot before he saw her, she was facing the back of his head. He was sitting in light blue jeans and a dark blue t-shirt. She smirked. His clothes didn't really match but he'd never been one for fashion. He was wearing sunglasses. He looked relaxed, leaned back against the bench with one arm resting on the back on it like he was saving a spot just for her arrival.

She took the opportunity to look around. She was searching for any signs of Kathy or Eli. They'd agreed to meet at the park because it was where he was already meeting Kathy so she could pick Eli back up.

When she couldn't find any signs of them, she moved forward to greet him.

When she walked up, he wasn't fazed. He'd felt her gaze on him. They had always been in sync like that, for years. Even with the two plus years that he'd skipped out on her.

She sat down beside him silently, wishing she'd have brought her sunglasses as well.

He looked at her, taking in her appearance. The tamed but slightly wild hair, day old make up, thrown on clothes that he knew were thrown on because she never wore NYPD gear when she was out and about during a free day. He still knew her well in some aspects.

She hadn't sat directly next to him on the bench, but his arm was still behind her.

Even though he had his shades on, she could still see his eyes taking her in.

He smiled lightly. " _You look like you had a fun night…_ " he commented.

She rolled her eyes and looked away, running her fingers through her hair again to try and fix it some more. Of course he'd recognize her state.

" _It's been a long time since you've agreed to meet up with me and you show up freshly fucked?_ " He was toying with her, the smiled played on his lips.

All the sudden she felt bad. She shouldn't do this to him and she hadn't planned on it. David spending the night was a last minute thing and she had planned to be up early to shower and get ready properly.

Olivia was on her feet suddenly. " _Come on,_ " she gestured to him. " _Let's go get lunch…_ " She turned to walked away without even checking to see if he was behind her, but he caught up and they walked across the park side by side.

She was deep in thought, trying to decide if she wanted a hot dog from one of the stands or if she'd rather go sit down in a diner.

" _Hey,_ " he called to her, grabbing her arm lightly. " _I'm just kidding around, you know that right?_ " he asked lightly. Elliot didn't want her to think he was truly mad. He had been smiling, she should have known he was joking.

She had stopped walking when he grabbed her arm.

She swallowed. " _I know._ " She replied lightly.

" _Then why are you clamming up all the sudden?_ " he questioned. She could see his eyes through his sunglasses.

She shrugged her shoulders. They stood on the grass and the sun beat down on them. In the background, children were playing. There was a light breeze in the air that was slightly shifting her hair around. She might as well stop trying to fix it, the wind would mess it up for her anyways.

Olivia stayed silent. She didn't want to talk about this right now.

" _Let's get some food to go, we'll eat it at my apartment. That okay?_ " she asked him, changing the subject and decided she didn't wish to be out and about much longer. She wanted a shower desperately now.

He stared at her for a few seconds. She wasn't going to talk, not if she didn't want to. " _Alright,_ " he relented.

They walked together to the hot dog stand. It'd been a while since she'd had one. They got two hot dogs each, chips, and no drinks. The nice man had given them a bag to carry them in.

The walk to her apartment was silent. He didn't want to push her.

They took the elevator up and he entered her apartment behind her. He was slightly relieved to see that it had been kept clean. This was a good sign, it meant she was feeling back to her old self, that she was doing well.

Olivia sat the bag of food on the counter.

" _El?_ " she called out to him, looking at his face.

" _Yeah?_ " he questioned lightly.

" _I'm gonna jump in the shower. I'll be five minutes tops, I swear…_ " she said hesitantly. For some reason, she had the need to clean herself. Sex with David had been good, she didn't regret it, she just regretted still having him on her when she was in the presence of Elliot.

He sighed. " _You don't gotta do that, Liv…_ " he told her.

" _Just… five minutes, okay?_ " she asked. He nodded his head yes in agreement. He'd wait for her, of course he would.

He made himself comfortable on the couch as she jumped in the shower. Elliot looked around out of curiosity but didn't spot anything that seemed to belong to a man. Other than Olivia's state when she arrived, you'd never be able to tell she'd had an intimate night in her apartment. He figured you could tell if you glance at her bedroom but he wasn't going that far. He didn't want to look at the bed that she'd recently been fucked in.

True to her word, five minutes later, Olivia stepped out of the bedroom in a light pink v-neck shirt and some gray sweat pants that hung low on her hips. She had towel dried her hair so it was still a bit damp and straggly.

Olivia grabbed their food off the counter along with two beers from her fridge and joined him on the couch.

As they began to consume their hot dogs, Elliot spoke.

" _I didn't realize Olivia Benson owned anything pink…_ " he said, poking fun at her.

She rolled her eyes in response. " _It was a gag gift that ended up being super comfy._ " She explained.

The v in her shirt dipped low enough to show a good bit of cleavage and some scars. She wasn't worried about Elliot seeing them, he'd seen them before. She only wore this shirt in the privacy of her home, usually when she was alone.

He was sitting on the couch with one leg folded up under him. His shoes had come off at her door when they'd entered earlier. She sat cross legged on the couch, facing Elliot so she could have a conversation with him as they ate.

Olivia leaned over to take another bite of her hot dog, probably showing too much cleavage then, and noticed Elliot staring directly at her chest.

She stared at him, surprised at how blunt he was being with her today.

" _Jesus, El…_ " she replied, putting her hot dog down in her lap so she could adjust her shirt.

" _What? No,_ " he denied her implication that he had been looking down her shirt. " _I wasn't…_ " He tried to tell her quickly and she remained quiet to hear his reasoning. " _It just, your skin is shiny… it looks not natural…_ " he put lightly. She looked down to see what he was referring to.

" _Oh…_ " she replied, frowning to herself. She was an idiot thinking he'd openly stare at her breasts. " _It's clear skin cream. It's to help the scars fade…_ " she explained.

" _Oh, that's nice, I didn't realize they had cream for that._ " He commented. " _Where'd you get it?_ " and her stomach dropped. She'd never told him about running into Kathy, and Kathy obviously hadn't told him about running into her.

" _Umm… Kathy…_ " she stated quietly, leaned towards the coffee table to grab her beer and taking a big, long swig.

His eyes went wide.

" _Kathy? My Kathy?_ " he asked carefully.

Olivia nodded her head in confirmation.

" _When, uh… when did you see Kathy?_ " he asked cautiously.

She cleared her throat.

" _I ran into her a few weeks ago when I was interviewing a victim at the hospital._ " Olivia explained. " _You mad I didn't tell you?_ " she asked him, looking into his eyes. She had to ask him because in that moment, she couldn't gage his reaction. She couldn't tell what he was thinking or feeling. His emotions seemed to be frozen.

" _No,_ " he told her, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. " _I'm not mad, Liv._ " He promised her. " _How did that go?_ " he asked.

" _Well…_ " she started, taking another swig of her beer before she put it back down on the coffee table. " _For one, you never told me she was aware that we had feelings for each other…_ "

Elliot swallowed hard. " _I wasn't sure if she knew…and I sure as hell wasn't going to tell her and risk hurting her more. The divorce was brutal enough…_ " he whispered.

" _Well, now you know._ " She answered bluntly.

" _What… what did she say?_ " he asked.

" _She said she had respect for me because I never acted on my feelings, said she understood and wasn't mad…_ " Olivia stated, now looking around the room, not wishing to look at him anymore. She'd only wanted to meet up with him today to catch up. Talking about their feelings and about Kathy wasn't something that she wanted to do.

Elliot nodded his head, letting her know that he heard her but wasn't planning on responding. He looked down to his lap where his hot dog had been abandoned, and picked it back up, finishing it off.

After chewing and swallowing, he moved the conversation in a different direction.

" _Last night went well?_ " he asked her.

Olivia's eyes shot up, was he really asking her how the sex had been?

" _No flashbacks, no triggers?_ " he specified so she wouldn't think he was being a pervert.

She was relieved he was asking out of concern and care instead of competition.

" _It was my first time fully having sex since Lewis… it went better than I thought it would. No flashbacks, or triggers._ " She confirmed for him. He smiled lightly. He was glad she was getting back to being herself again.

She put her trash in the plastic bag that their hot dogs had come in. Elliot was starting in on his second dog but she had decided to save her second one for later.

" _If I hadn't have noticed, would you have mentioned it?_ " he asked Olivia honestly. He tried to look at her but she looked away. She had uncrossed her legs and was now sitting up, facing the coffee table.

" _Eventually…_ " she replied, taking a swig from her beer. " _I wouldn't have lied to you about it._ " She told him. Olivia wasn't sure if he was exactly asking if she'd lie, but she clarified it for him anyways.

" _Don't look so guilty, Liv,_ " he told her softly. " _You don't need my permission to fuck him…_ " he explained. She tried to take another drink from her beer but she found it empty.

Olivia stood up from the couch. " _I'm getting another beer, you want one?_ " she asked, not looking at him but heading into the kitchen instead.

" _Sure,_ " he called over his shoulder.

A couple more bites and he was done with his last hot dog. He added his trash to the bag with hers.

He remained comfortable on her couch and she came back, handing him his beer. This time though, she sat on the very other end of the couch. Olivia was putting distance between them.

" _Hey,_ " He called to her, and she looked up from where she had been playing with the label on her bottle. " _Talk to me…_ " he practically begged.

" _What do you want me to say?_ " she whispered. " _Do you want me to tell you how I rode him? How I came a total of three times last night? How when he touched me, it was like the scars weren't there…_ " she was almost in tears now and getting louder. " _How he was able to get off even though my body is fucked up?_ " Olivia began to sniffle. " _Or maybe how for the first time in a long time, I felt normal… like I wasn't a sexual assault victim…_ "

Tears graced her face as Elliot stared at her in shock. He hadn't meant to cause her to breakdown.

" _What do you want from me, Elliot?_ "

He stood up and made his way to the end of the couch where she sat hunched over, elbows on her knees and her face in her hands now.

He didn't dare touch her. He just made his presence known beside her and leaned back against the back of the couch, propping an arm up so it'd be behind her when she chose to lean back again.

Elliot licked his lips and looked around the room.

" _I want you to be okay,_ " he whispered to her. " _I just want you to be okay, Liv… that's all._ " He swore to her.

Olivia knew he'd moved into his new position at her side. He knew her so well, he knew not to touch her right now.

She sat up slightly and grabbed a tissue from the box on the coffee table. Olivia wiped her face clean of tears and leftover make up from her shower. She added the tissue to their bag of trash sitting on the coffee table before leaning back.

Instead of sitting straight back into his arm and the couch, she opted to lean into his side. Olivia was shaking as she rested her head on his shoulder and let her left arm circle around his waist.

Elliot was surprised by her movements but accepted them right away, making sure to remove his left arm from the back of the couch and hook it around her shoulders showing her support.

He lovingly rubbed her shoulder, trying to calm her.

" _Last night was good. I was nervous, but it didn't scare me…_ " she said in a light voice as her cheek was pressed against his chest.

" _That's good, Olivia._ " He replied, nodding his head but she couldn't see that. She could probably feel it though.

" _What really scares me…_ " she started and he hugged her tighter for a brief moment to encourage her on, " _is this…us._ "

The air was still, the tension was thick and heavy. She could tell his heart rate had sped up and so had hers.

" _It fucking terrifies me, Elliot._ " She whispered. He swallowed hard, remaining silent. Elliot did however, move his right arm from his side and wrapped it around her to fully engulf her in a hug.

She closed her eyes tight as he embraced her. Elliot leaned down and planted a kiss on the top of her head. Her arm around his stomach tightened as well.

" _We're gonna be fine, Liv._ " He promised her. " _No matter what happens or doesn't happen between us, we'll be okay._ " Elliot meant every word.

He didn't hold her like this, this was rare but she was letting it happen today.

" _I… I won't survive losing you again…_ " she confessed.

" _I know, but I'm here. I'll be your friend… whatever you need, I swear._ " He was sincere, she could tell. He hadn't said he'd be her lover, but that was because he didn't think she wanted to hear it, at least not now.

" _I want you to be able to talk to me like you used to… you can tell me about your shitty dates or bad lays, about how something annoyed you on TV or how the neighbors are too loud when they fuck. We used to be able to talk about private stuff,_ " he told her. " _I want that back. Just because we've admitted there's feelings between us…_ " he paused, choosing his words carefully. " _It doesn't change our friendship._ " And that had been the very thing that she was afraid of.

Olivia Benson was terrified of being something more with Elliot and fucking it up, ending their friendship. At one time, he was the most important person in her life.

She sat up, pulling out of his embrace. He let her go and let his hands rest in his lap.

Olivia wiped her face clear of the few stray tears that had fallen.

She looked at him boldly, ready to challenge his statement.

" _When was the last time you got laid?_ " she asked, testing him. When they'd been partners, he hadn't talked about his sex life with Kathy much. Sure, he'd offer up info here and there or give her advice on something accompanied by an example but that was all. Now, it was going to be a two way street. If he wanted her to be that honest and open with him, then she wanted the same in return.

He cocked his head and smirked. Elliot would play her game.

" _About two weeks ago._ " He told her honestly. " _I had an itch and met a redhead in a bar that was willing to scratch it._ " He smiled as he waited for her reaction.

Olivia was surprised a bit, it was so weird to hear him say he'd been with someone else aside from Kathy. It was even more odd to hear that he'd had a one night stand when she was pretty sure that previous to his divorce, he'd never had one. She almost wanted to be jealous but wasn't, it was only fair.

" _Thanks for the honestly,_ " she said dryly.

He smiled again. " _Always._ "

" _The guy last night, he's an ex, it was a one-time thing, just to help me get the ball rolling again…_ " she confided in him.

" _I'm glad it turned out well for you._ " He told her truthfully. Elliot was happy she was thriving, succeeding in life again.

" _How's the squad?_ " he asked, deciding to change the direction of the draining conversation they had been having.

Olivia smiled. " _They're good. Nick and the blonde are having problems but I'm handling it._ " She told him.

" _You like being in charge?_ " he asked.

" _It's a huge change but the pay raise is great._ " She told him.

Yeah, they'd be okay. Maybe she still needed him to be her friend for a bit longer but even if nothing developed, they'd be alright. She felt comfortable with him, she cared about him immensely and she knew the feeling was mutual.

He'd stayed at her apartment for a while. She'd asked about how Eli was and Elliot had told her that the little champ had taken up soccer. A couple of his other kids had too so it didn't surprise her. She was in a good place right now and she honestly couldn't be happier.


	22. Chapter 22

**Thank you for the reviews and suggestions. I really, really appreciate them.**

 **Text messages are in bold.**

…

It was a random Wednesday morning when Olivia had received the phone call from Kathleen. She could tell the girl was nervous and didn't quite know what to say.

" _Liv, it's Kathleen Stabler…_ " The young woman had said.

" _Hi,_ " Olivia said gently. Her face had lit up but she was sitting in her office at the precinct with the door closed and blinds drawn out of habit. No one was around to see the joy on her face. " _How have you been doing?_ " She asked Kathleen.

" _I'm doing okay…_ " Kathleen had replied. Olivia could tell that there was more to the story but she didn't want to push it right away.

" _That's good…_ " Olivia said, sensing the girl's awkwardness. " _Listen, are you in the city today? Can I take you to lunch?_ " the brunette asked into the phone.

" _Um, you don't have work?_ " was the response, and Olivia completely understood it. For years she and Elliot had worked long days without breaks. There had only been a handful of times he was able to take a lunch that was with someone else other than her.

" _I do have but things are different here now, I can have a break for lunch… I'll explain it all later._ " Olivia told her.

" _Alright._ " Kathleen agreed.

The two of them made plans for lunch later in the day. Olivia hoped she could put the girl's mind at ease about a few things. Kathleen had always been special and she'd been the one that Olivia was closest to out of all the Stabler kids. Granted, Kathleen wasn't a kid anymore, she was a fully grown woman.

They had agreed on a sandwich place down the street and were supposed to meet up at 11:30 but Olivia arrived earlier than that to get them a table.

When she saw Kathleen come in through the entrance, she waved her over.

Olivia got up to hug her tightly, greeting the young woman that she hadn't seen in years.

Kathleen smiled once they finally sat down. " _You look good,_ " she told Olivia.

" _Thanks,_ " The brunette replied. " _So do you._ "

The both picked up their menus and began to decide what they wanted to eat, needing to get that out of the way first before they began an actual conversation.

The waitress came and took their orders.

Kathleen was about to be entering her late twenties now. Olivia couldn't believe how grown up the young woman looked.

Olivia smiled at her. " _So,_ " she started. " _How have you been doing? How's school going?_ "

" _It was great, I'm done now,_ " She told Olivia. " _I had a double major so I now have a bachelor's degree in English literature and one in journalism…_."

The brunette's face lit up. " _That's great, Kathleen!_ " she told her. " _I'm so happy for you._ "

Kathleen smiled. " _I've got my own place and I write for a local paper… it's nothing fancy but it pays the bills._ "

" _Please send me some copies of the paper or tell me where I can get it?_ " Olivia requested.

" _I will, I'll send you some._ " Kathleen promised, she didn't want Olivia to run around trying to find the print outs of her articles. It'd be much easier to just send them to the woman.

" _How are you doing?_ " Kathleen asked. " _How's work?_ "

Olivia crossed her arms in front of her on the table, leaning against it.

" _Work is good… I'm the boss now._ " Olivia replied with a sly grin.

Kathleen look shocked. " _Captain Cragen left?_ " she asked.

" _Retired._ " Olivia corrected her. " _I'm running the place for now but so far, it's only supposed to be for a few months, until Cragen can be replaced._ "

" _Congratulations,_ " Kathleen genuinely told her.

Olivia mumbled a quiet 'thanks' to her and silence engulfed them. Kathleen looked at Olivia like she wanted to say something but couldn't quite find the right words so Olivia started to speak for her.

" _I know you were upset and worried when…_ " Olivia took a deep breath, " _when I was kidnapped. But I'm okay…_ " She promised Kathleen.

" _You're really okay?_ " Kathleen questioned her.

Olivia gave the younger woman a light smile.

" _It took me a long time to get her but yes, I'm okay…_ " she told her.

" _I kept up with the news and the trial…_ " Kathleen confessed but Olivia had already known this because Kathy had mentioned it.

" _I wish you hadn't…_ " Olivia confessed back. " _I don't want those images of me floating around in your head…_ "

" _As soon as I heard you had been taken, I assumed the worst anyways… the bad images were already there…_ " Kathleen said, tapping her temple with her pointer finger.

Olivia huffed in response.

" _I'm glad you're okay._ " Kathleen commented. " _And for the record, the jury is crazy if they think you wanted any of that to happen to you…_ "

Olivia was all the sudden relieved, like she had unconsciously been worrying about what Kathleen would think about her, about the jury's decision.

" _I wasn't raped…_ " Olivia stated bluntly and Kathleen looked surprised at Olivia's blunt confession. " _I know I stated it clearly in court but… the people who know me best seemed to have needed to hear me verbally confirm it to them. I guess it comes with the territory, it comes with the job and knowing that victims lie all the time about saying they weren't raped when they were… but I didn't…_ " Olivia stressed to her. " _I just… I don't want you or any of your siblings thinking something worse happened to me than what actually did happen…_ " she explained.

" _I believe you…_ " Kathleen said in a whisper and Olivia smiled lightly in response.

The older woman dipped her head slightly so she could come into direct eye contact with Kathleen. " _I'm doing alright, I promise… I'm okay_ " she told her once more.

" _I'm glad…_ " Kathleen told her quietly. " _I know that you could see me struggling for a while with the bipolar stuff but, I'm alright too…_ " She told Olivia proudly.

" _That's great_ ," Olivia told her. " _But hey,_ " Olivia called, getting her attention once more. " _I struggled too, with this…_ " She told Kathleen, not wanting her to feel bad for not being able to cope with her bipolar disorder in the early months of her diagnosis.

" _Yeah?_ " Kathleen hesitantly asked.

" _I know it's not the same thing, I know it's different in a lot of ways but I've had to go to therapy too…_ " she told the younger woman. " _A different kind of therapy because we have different problems, but I promise you it hasn't been a walk in the park…_ " Olivia said. " _I was in a dark place for a really long time. If you kept up with the trial, then you know a good bit of what he did to me. I'm a strong woman, but not that strong… he hurt me in a lot of ways._ "

The brunette looked around and bit her lip, trying to decide how much she really wanted to tell Kathleen. The young woman sat patiently across from her with alert eyes, waiting for Olivia to keep speaking. Taking a deep breath, Olivia continued.

" _I was in a dark place during the trial… everything didn't truly hit me hard until then, until I had to openly go in front of people, strangers, and tell them what he did to me, but I did it and I got through it._ " Olivia told her.

The older woman wasn't going to tell Kathleen about the drugs or the alcohol problem that she'd almost developed.

" _Yeah, I heard about the burns and some of the torture… well, I guess they're scars now…_ " Kathleen confessed to Olivia with sad eyes.

Olivia swallowed hard. " _I wish you hadn't…_ " she whispered with a small smile. " _I wish you could have gone on believing that I was this strong detective that used to work with your father and put the bad guys away like you believed when you were little…_ "

The blonde smiled at Olivia warmly.

" _The scars are fine. I can handle it._ " She told Kathleen, trying to remove the worried/sad look that had taken over the younger woman's face. " _In fact, your mom gave me some ointment for the scars…it's working really well._ " Okay so maybe Olivia lied about the last part. Her scars were clearly still there and only slightly faded, but the ointment did help her scars feel more smooth and soft. She liked that part.

Olivia smiled a real smile, one that touched her eyes but Kathleen continued to stay silent for a moment.

" _Look,_ " Olivia started again. " _I'm good. I have a wonderful support system, an amazing psychiatrist… your dad and I have reconnected. Everything is good, okay?_ " Olivia tested, reaching her hand across the table to cover Kathleen's hand a give it a squeeze.

" _Yeah, mom told me he had finally reached out to you… I'm sorry it took something so terrible to make that happen._ "

" _It's fine…_ " Olivia promised her.

" _You staying on your meds?_ " Olivia tried, giving the woman across from her a hopeful look as she drew her hand back and settled it in her lap.

" _Yeah…_ " Kathleen told her honestly. " _Sometimes… they don't make me feel good. Sometimes I don't feel like myself but I've stayed on track._ "

" _That's good, don't deviate… I'm so proud of you. I've known you for years and years…_ " Olivia gave Kathleen a loving look. " _You've grown into such a beautiful young woman._ "

Kathleen smiled.

" _You've got a good support system too,_ " Olivia commented. " _And I'm a part of that, alright? Don't ever hesitate to call me about something or if you just want to hang out and talk._ "

Kathleen nodded in agreement. The girl could be so shy sometimes.

Their food seemed to arrive in the perfect moment. The conversation turned light and Kathleen shared experiences from college and her new job while Olivia told Kathleen about what a change it was to be in charge of the squad.

They had a nice lunch and of course, Olivia paid for them and wouldn't take no for an answer. When they parted, Olivia told Kathleen to keep in touch and that she would love to have lunch with her again sometime.

As Olivia walked back to the precinct, she noticed how light she felt. How she felt generally happy. Things with Elliot were up in the air but that was really the only thing bothering her, and it could wait. Nick was still trying to sort things out with Maria but it seemed under control. Amanda was staying on track and going to meetings as often as she needed to. Even if she didn't need to, sometimes she'd just go for the hell of it, to keep herself in check.

Fin was staying on top of Amanda and Olivia loved him for it. She didn't think she would actually be able to tend to Amanda like the blonde needed. Fin could be there when Olivia couldn't. Amanda was still more comfortable with him anyways. Even with everything going to with Amanda, Fin had still managed to let Olivia know that he had her back.

Olivia's phone vibrated in her pocket, pulling her out of her thoughts.

" _ **You wanna hang out tonight? Dinner's on me…**_ " she read Elliot's text message.

" _ **The redhead not available?**_ " Olivia laughed at her reply as she sent it.

His rely was instant. It was three emojicons with their eyes rolling and an annoyed look on their faces.

" _ **Yeah… but I'm coming over to your place. You can't hide it from me forever."**_ She wrote. For some reason, they always met at her apartment. In the beginning, it was probably because it's where she felt most comfortable but she was fine now. Elliot had seemed reluctant to let anyone near his bachelor pad. She didn't know why.

" _ **Fine, come over after work. I'll have food ordered.**_ " Was his reply. She could almost hear the groan in his voice of having to comply with her.

" _ **You gonna give me the address?**_ " she asked.

" _ **Nope, figure it out on your own, Sergeant…**_ " He text her.

Olivia rolled her eyes now. Of course she could look up his new address but that didn't mean that she wanted to go through all that trouble.

" _ **Fine, see you after work.**_ " She replied and huffed. Sometimes he could be such a pain in the ass. She then stepped into the building to wait for the elevator that would take her to the floor where her detectives were diligently working on leads for one of their active cases, already wishing it was time for her work day to end.


	23. Chapter 23

**Thanks for still reading.**

Olivia had looked up his address and found that it was a twenty minute walk from the precinct towards the nicer part of town. This threw her. She hadn't felt like walking so she had called a cab.

Olivia arrived at his apartment a little after six o'clock. She was technically on call. Amanda and Fin were supposed to be catching but Amanda had needed a meeting after her rough day and Olivia wanted to cut her a break, so she'd offered to take Amanda's shift.

She cocked an eyebrow up as she looked at his apartment building. It was a hell of a lot nicer than hers. She had to buzz up to him just so he could let her in the building.

" _Yeah?_ " He'd called through the intercom after she buzzed.

" _Let me up you ass_ ," she told him. He could hear the humor in her voice though.

Olivia heard him chuckle before the intercom shut off and the door unlocked.

She took the fancy elevator to his floor and didn't even bother knocking as she turned the handle and let herself in.

Elliot was leaning over his counter reading a piece of paper and facing away from the door. At her entrance, he turned around in surprise, his eyebrows shot up. Placing the paper down, he leaned back against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest now facing her.

" _What the fuck, El?_ " She said as she shut the door behind her and turned to face him, putting her hands on her hips.

" _What? I retire and all the sudden all boundaries go out the window?_ " He asked, picking at her for openly entering his apartment without knocking even though they both knew she didn't need to.

She dropped her hands from her hips and walked deeper into his apartment, which looked almost as if it was a condo. She walked passed him into the living room where there was a sixty-five inch plasma TV on the wall surrounded by nice, big leather couches and what looked to be the latest version of the Xbox gaming system on the entertainment system below the TV.

Olivia dropped her purse onto his couch.

He had followed her into the living room, standing behind her and waiting for her to speak.

She turned around almost glaring at him even though there was no anger in her voice, only surprise.

" _What is this?_ " she pointed around the room. " _Are you kidding me? We've been meeting up at my apartment and you've been living here like a fucking king?_ " she exclaimed.

She eyed him, taking in his stance. Olivia noticed right away something was off. She toned herself down immediately.

" _What's going on?_ " she asked him tenderly, walking over to him.

" _Nothing…_ " he told her with a light, fake smile.

" _Don't lie to me…_ " she told him carefully.

Elliot swallowed. " _I don't like it okay?_ " he said silently.

She put her eyebrows together in confusion. Olivia walked into the space in front of him, looking into his eyes.

" _Talk to me…_ " she asked him.

He shrugged. " _I just don't like it. I thought I would but I don't… it's not home. It's too… different…_ " he explained lightly.

Olivia nodded her head in understanding. He missed his life with Kathy, how homely it had felt, how secure he had felt. He'd built a life in the house he'd shared with Kathy and the kids for years and now she got the house and he got this, which in her opinion wasn't bad at all but then again, she'd been alone most of her life.

" _How can you afford this?_ " She asked him gingerly. " _…and your new, cool ride?_ " she added. She hadn't forgotten about the car he'd driven her home from the courthouse in.

" _Kathy and I saved up too much money for the college funds._ " He told her and Olivia looked surprised. Elliot huffed and gestured to the couch for her to sit down. Once she did, he sat down beside her, facing forward. " _We ate cheap and scrounged for years and years to send all our kids to college but we didn't need to, guess we got a big payout in the end…_ "

" _Maureen was so fucking smart and still is…_ " Elliot smiled and it warmed Olivia's heart to watch him talk about his kids. "S _he got a full ride to university from the get. She's even paying her way through grad school… We paid for the first year of Kathleen's college. Then she was diagnosed…_ " he told her and shook his head. " _Well, you were there, you know._ "

Olivia nodded and encouraged him to continue.

" _When she got better and went back, she applied for all these scholarships that were specifically to help mentally ill students and students with bipolar disorder… she got a lot of them. Kath and I barely had to pay for much of her school after that…_ "

" _They worked hard, El. They earned it…_ " Olivia told him.

" _Yeah…_ " He smiled again, agreeing with her.

He huffed a moment later though. " _Lizzie got a full ride because she scored so high on her ACT… and the… the army paid for Dicky's…_ " It still pained him to admit that Dicky had joined the army after all and there had been nothing he could do about it. " _Eli is the only one left and we got some money put back for him. Kathy and I split our assets, the house is paid for… we cashed out the stock we had in the market together and sold a couple of vehicles that were in both of our names… and it turns out we both came out of the divorce with a pretty nice check._ "

Olivia stared at him in surprise. " _Why didn't you tell me he enrolled?_ " she asked, turning the conversation back to Dicky.

Elliot turned his head to look at her. " _It was a tough subject… he's not active though. He did the minimum requirements they asked of him… Plus, I think he likes being able to tell the chicks he's in the army._ " Elliot looked around the room almost in annoyance at his son who wasn't even there and Olivia laughed. Dicky always did love the ladies.

" _I'm surprised he hasn't tried to use your hot bachelor pad to hook up with chicks…_ " Olivia commented, looking around the room again.

Elliot rolled his eyes. " _He does… every damn weekend._ " He told her. " _And it's not a 'hot bachelor pad'…_ " Elliot replied, giving her a look. " _That would imply that it was a 'fuck pad' as Dicky relentlessly calls it…_ " Elliot stated in annoyance at his son's manners.

" _You telling me you fucked the redhead in your car?_ " she asked, toying with him. They'd started playing this weird game a few weeks ago, where they'd dare to make comments that they would have never made when they were partners.

"… _only the first few times…_ " he replied slyly. Olivia couldn't tell if it was the truth or not but either way, she smacked him on the arm lightly.

" _Ouch…_ " Elliot said, acting like he'd been hurt when she knew better.

" _How's David Haden doing?_ " He shot at her with a grin.

Olivia was stunned but then it gradually wore off as the gears in her brain worked. The only men she'd dated since Elliot had left the force were David and Cassidy. She'd told him she'd slept with an ex and he probably would have known all of her former exes were too sour to trust or depend on. He really was working as a private investigator now it seemed.

" _Nice to know you still have your detective skills…_ " she commented, narrowing her eyes at him.

He laughed and she gave him a smile. It was good to see her back to herself again, but different. She was different from when they'd been partners. It was like she was more relaxed with him and there was less tension.

" _Speaking of your kids…_ " Olivia started. " _I took Kathleen out to lunch today…_ " she told him and now it was his turn to be surprised.

" _I think you're starting to spend more time with my family than I am…_ " He commented. " _First Kathy and now Kathleen…_ "

" _You watered down your kids' reactions to my kidnapping…_ " she lightly accused him as she turned her body towards him on the sofa.

" _You didn't need the extra stress… I told you the truth, I just lightened it a bit…_ " he tried.

" _Next time,_ " she said to him seriously, making eye contact. " _Just be honest._ "

He nodded his head in agreement.

" _How was Kathleen?_ " Elliot asked, getting up to retrieve the food from the kitchen that he'd had delivered for them moments before she arrived.

" _She seemed good…_ " Olivia told him.

Elliot walked back over to the couch, handing her a beer before sitting his own on the coffee table along with the bag of to-go boxes. He still knew what she liked to eat.

Olivia accepted her beer, opening it instantly and taking a swig.

" _I think my kidnapping scared her… I didn't realize I had such an impact on her…_ "

He grabbed a pillow off the couch, putting it under his ass before he sat down on the floor by the coffee table, cross-legged to eat his food facing Olivia, who remained on the couch.

" _Come on, Liv_ " Elliot told her as he opened one of his to-go boxes. " _You made a big impact on all my kids, you know that… birthday parties, school plays… that thing you did with Eli, hmmm what was it again? Oh yeah, saving his life as Kathy birthed him into the world…_ " he trailed off as Olivia rolled her eyes at him and he grinned. " _They love you…_ " he told her strongly.

They began to eat. The food was delicious, Olivia hadn't eaten anything from this particular place. She was almost never in this part of town unless she was working a case.

" _Kathleen really okay?_ " he asked again, now sounding worried about his daughter.

" _She's fine, El. She was just worried about me. Everything that happened during the trial… she knew… she knows about a lot of the things that Lewis did to me… she knows too much…_ " Olivia trailed off as she picked at her food.

" _Did uh, did you tell her anymore?_ " he asked curiously as he raised his eyes from his food to meet hers.

Olivia took a deep breath. " _No… I didn't mention the vodka or meth… and I never will._ " She told him. " _And neither will you if you know what's good for you…_ " It wasn't an empty threat and he knew it.

" _You have my word…_ " He told her lightly.

" _We can continue having our monthly get togethers at my apartment._ " Olivia told him, changing the subject to anything other than what she'd gone through.

" _Nah, if you wanna come here, you're more than welcome to._ " He promised her.

" _I know,_ " she told him. " _But you're more comfortable at my place, I can tell…_ "

" _It's whatever you want, Liv._ " She nodded. They might meet at his place occasionally but she would mostly pick her place, just for his sake.

They finished eating and then tried to find a movie on TV but Olivia got called into work. She gave him an apologetic look.

" _I'm sorry._ " She told him.

" _It's alright, I know the job…_ " He smiled at her.

Elliot walked her to the door and handing her purse to her as he opened the door for her.

" _Thank you for the food._ " Olivia told him as she turned around to face him.

" _You're welcome,_ " he told her but sensed she had something else to say.

" _And thanks for uh, for helping me with the Lewis stuff these past few months…_ " Olivia trailed off, looking at the floor. " _You've helped me a long more than you probably realize, you and Fin…_ " she confessed.

" _Hey,_ " he called to her, causing her to look up at him. " _You don't ever have to thank me for that. I'm here if you need me, if you need anything at all…_ "

Olivia smiled and nodded at him as she turned around and went on her way.


	24. Chapter 24

**Here are a few things before you read this chapter:**

 **~ TRIGGER WARNING: This is the start of the "Beast's Obsession".**

 **~ Don't forget that I'm changing the story to where Lewis does rape Olivia. (Doesn't happen in this chapter)**

 **~Some of these scenes are directly from the episode, no copyright intended. Dick Wolf owns, I borrowed.**

 **~I changed things up more than I expected so it loosely follows along. There's added scenes with Fin, Elliot, and Amanda.**

 **Text messages are in bold.**

Olivia finally had her life back. She had almost fully recovered from her whole ordeal. She was thriving in a way she hadn't been in a long time. It was almost like she was excited about life, excited about things that were happening for her.

Sure, they'd had a few rough cases but Olivia and her squad had handled them. Nick was officially divorcing Maria but she could sense that he knew it was for the best. He still got to see Zara on weekends. Amanda was doing better too. Olivia wasn't sure how things were between the blonde and Nick but tried to keep her nose out of it. She was their acting commander now. The less she knew about the situation, the better.

Olivia left her apartment feeling nice and refreshed. Her steps were light and this was one of the days where she had a smile on her face for no reason.

She had just stopped for coffee on her way to the precinct. Walking with her coffee in hand, her phone began to chime. It was different than her normal tone, which confused her. Olivia looked down to see that it was a facetime call, which was weird because she rarely facetimed with anyone. It was an unknown number but she answered it anyway because in her line of work, she gave out her number daily, so there's no telling who it could be and she didn't want to chance it.

She tapped the green button on the screen as she looked at her phone questioningly.

As soon as William Lewis' face popped up she froze.

" _Morning sunshine._ " He told her with a smile. " _I missed you,_ " he said as he cocked his head to the side, giving her a longing look before ending the call.

Olivia stood frozen in place with a blank stare on her face. She couldn't breathe. She was surprised she was still standing at all to be honest. Her heart raced and adrenaline pumped inside her.

She took a deep breath to calm herself before she dialed the number she knew by heart.

" _Fin,_ " She said into the phone after he answered. " _I need you…_ "

He was already alert on the other end of the phone as soon as he'd heard her tone of voice.

" _Talk to me,_ " he told her seriously.

" _Lewis… he's out…_ " she told him, trying to keep her voice steady.

" _What do you mean?_ " he asked.

" _He's out, Fin. He just facetimed me on my phone… He's free._ " She said as calmly as she could. Olivia was remembering that she was still squad commander. She needed to be strong for her team who were all in danger now.

" _Where are you?_ " Fin asked quickly. He was probably worried Lewis would come for her.

" _I'm at the coffee cart on 6_ _th_ _and North 17_ _th_ _…._ " She replied.

Olivia heard him breathe out a breath of relief. " _I'm close, baby girl. I'm about to pick you up, okay?_ " he told her.

" _Yeah, alright…_ " she replied.

Fin stayed on the phone with her until he arrived. She hopped in his passenger seat and they sped off to the precinct. Fin had already called it in over his scanner, putting everyone on high alert.

Once they arrived at the one-six, Olivia went to work. She found out what had happened with Lewis, Fin briefed 1PP. She called for all hands on deck and for her entire squad to suit up in vests including herself. Once she'd gotten all the information she could at that time, she called a mandatory meeting in the middle of the squad room.

" _Okay people,_ " She called out strongly. " _Here's what we have so far,_ " Olivia stood by the evidence board that she'd just put together. " _At approximately 10:45 last night, William Lewis, complaining of chest pains, was transferred from Rikers to Bellevue Prison Ward where all attempts to resuscitate him failed._ " She stated in a commanding voice. She was not going to break, not now. She was strong and she would remain strong for her squad.

" _Ten minutes after being pronounced dead,_ " Amanda started talking, standing next to Olivia with her arms crossed over her chest, " _he suddenly came back to life on the gurney and was held overnight for observation._ " Amanda stood by her commander radiating with anger and over protectiveness for Olivia. The brunette was truly surprised at how Amanda had reacted to the news of Lewis' escape. She had seemed to instantly worry about Olivia but Olivia didn't want anyone to fuss over her.

" _At some point, Lewis convinced the officer there to uncuff him,_ " Amanda continued and Olivia rolled her eyes in reference to the idiotic officer's actions. " _He then snaped the officer's neck and Lewis was discovered missing at 8:45 this morning…_ "

Fin looked on as he watched the two women and their commanding presence in the squad room as they were surrounded by other detectives and officers.

" _How'd he get out of that ward?_ " Nick asked angrily.

Olivia threw her hands up. " _Still don't know…_ " The brunette turned around and pointed to a photo of a blonde nurse that was hanging up on the board. " _This nurse was found hanging in the closet raped. She still hasn't gained consciousness. Her wallet, keys, and car remain missing, we have an alert out on her vehicle._ " Olivia stated.

Amanda began to read off the license plate number but Nick stopped her. " _Don't bother,_ " he said. " _He'll ditch it before he leaves Manhattan…_ "

Olivia huffed. " _He might not be leaving Manhattan…_ " Olivia told him and everyone else listening in the room.

" _What? Why would you say that?_ " Nick questioned her.

Olivia swallowed quickly. " _Because he called me this morning from the nurse's cellphone… he said that he misses me…_ " Nick gave Olivia a shocked look.

Nick didn't have a chance to respond, no one did because Murphy walked in behind Nick and spoke up.

" _Which is why I've been asked to take command of this unit. You can't be in charge of the manhunt when the man you are hunting is hunting you…_ "

" _I know William Lewis better than anyone…_ " she told him strongly. " _He is my suspect and this is my unit._ " She said boldly.

" _Not anymore, as of this moment, this is my unit._ " Murphy turned around to tell everyone, making sure they got the message of who was really in charge now. He wasn't trying to be rude, he was just doing his job.

And just like that 1PP had her booted out.

She looked around in surprise and Fin caught her eye, he was trying to gage her reaction.

Murphy started spouting off orders to Nick, Amanda, and Fin. Then he turned to Olivia. " _You are to stay here or a hotel. We'll provide twenty-four hour protection until Lewis is apprehended._ "

Olivia looked at him in disgust. " _I don't need protection._ "

" _It's not your decision,_ " he said a bit too forcefully, then left to make himself at home in her office.

Olivia followed him into the office to gather her things. Her protective detail walked in behind them. Detective Delano and Detective Carlson. She rolled her eyes and grabbed her coat before heading out the door.

Nick and Amanda had headed to the hospital. They followed up on what happened with Lewis. Fin went to the prison to talk to Lewis' roommate. Eventually they'd found out the redheaded juror had brought him spiked cupcakes. Lewis had played her from day one and every knew it.

Eventually they tracked down the doctor that had authorized the transfer. She was dead, no surprise there. Her oldest daughter, Lauren, had been tortured and raped, left to hang in the closet. She would have scars that matched Olivia's.

Lewis had given her a message to give to Olivia. He wanted her to describe her torture to Olivia, and to tell Olivia that he had taken the twelve-year-old sister.

Olivia arrived at the hospital disobeying Murphy's orders. She'd heard the girl had a message for her and she wanted to hear it. Murphy allowed it and in the room Olivia went.

Amanda followed her. Murphy refused to let Olivia go in alone. He had wanted to go in himself but Lauren had just been raped and was jumpy around men so he told Amanda to go.

Olivia introduced herself and walked to the side of the girl's bed. Rollins walked around to the other side of the bed but stayed quiet, letting Olivia do the talking and take the lead.

Lauren looked relieved to finally see Olivia. She told him Lewis had threatened to kill her sister unless Olivia confessed. Amanda gave a confused look to Olivia but still remained quiet. Lauren told Olivia he did things to her… that Lewis had told her she needed to tell Olivia the details.

Olivia nodded, this would count as Lauren giving her statement anyways and to be honest, she wanted to hear the story.

" _Just tell me what happened…_ " Olivia said lightly as she sat down on Lauren's bed, making sure not to touch her.

Lauren started to describe how the night had started, how Lewis had gotten into their home, how she'd gotten a gun but she'd frozen and he'd taken it. Lauren told Olivia about how he burned her with cigarettes and how he'd raped her and whispered " _Tell Sergeant Benson what she missed._ "

Olivia closed her eyes tightly and took a deep breath. Lauren was silently crying. Tears made their way down her face but she wasn't sobbing. Olivia was surprised she'd been able to keep her own composure.

" _I'm so sorry,_ " Olivia had whispered to the girl. " _I'm so, so sorry._ "

" _I'm ruined… my body, my life… I just…_ " Lauren tried but she couldn't seem to form a sentence.

Amanda still stood quietly on the other side of the bed. If Olivia couldn't see the blonde out of the corner of her eye, she'd have forgotten the woman was even there.

" _Lauren, I'm going to show you something, okay?_ " she told the young girl who nodded in return.

Reaching up, Olivia undid the straps in her bullet proof vest, taking it off and handing it to Amanda. The younger detective was confused but she didn't say anything as she accepted the vest to hold for Olivia.

Slowly, Olivia grabbed the neckline of her shirt and pulled it down, exposing the tops of her breasts, her bra, and most of her scars. Amanda stayed silent but she couldn't take her eyes away from Olivia's chest. She'd never seen what Lewis had really done to her commanding officer. The blonde swallowed hard.

The brunette ignored Amanda's stare.

" _He did that to you?_ " Lauren asked in a whisper.

" _Yeah, he did…_ " Olivia confessed to her. " _Most of the stuff he did to you, he did to me too._ " Olivia told the girl, opting not to tell Lauren that Lewis hadn't actually raped her.

" _Your scars look older…_ " She commented.

Olivia smiled thinly as she put her shirt back in position.

" _He assaulted me many months ago and I put him in Prison. He broke out but I'm going to make sure I put him back…_ " Olivia promised the girl. " _A friend gave me some great skin cream to use on my scars… I'm going to make sure you get some, okay?_ "

Lauren looked thankful but also scared as she nodded her head, letting Olivia know she would gladly accept the ointment.

" _This is Detective Rollins, you can call her Amanda,_ " Olivia nodded in Amanda's direction as she reached for her vest to put it back on. " _She's going to stay in here with you and make sure you're okay._ "

Lauren smiled lightly at Amanda, who smiled back.

" _Look, I'm okay and you'll be okay too._ " Olivia told the girl. " _You've been through a lot and healing takes time. Therapy does wonders, okay? You'll survive this, I promise._ " And with that, Olivia gave a small smile to Amanda and was out the door.

Murphy and Nick were standing in the hallway waiting for her.

" _Liv,_ " Nick started. " _You okay?_ " he asked lightly and she looked at him like he had two heads on his shoulders.

" _No,_ " She whispered, giving him a look that told him he should have known better than to ask that.

Murphy wanted to talk to her alone. He wanted to know about this 'truth' thing that Lewis wanted. Olivia gave her confession to him, telling him about how she beat Lewis when he was cuffed. Much to her surprise, Murphy leaned in and told her she should have killed Lewis when she had the chance.

Olivia wanted to make a statement but Murphy was against it. Olivia had tears in her eyes as she told him that Lewis had a little girl. Sure, on paper Lewis wasn't a pedophile but Lewis' target was Olivia, so he'd do whatever he need to in order to get Olivia's attention.

Fin came in, said they found the doctor's car. Murphy made his way downstairs to the press to make a statement and Fin walked over to Olivia.

" _How you holdin' up?_ " he asked.

She looked around before looking at him.

" _After this case is over, I'm going to have a strong urge for vodka if that answers your question…_ " Olivia told him lowly as she went to side step around him.

Fin saw her protective detail hanging back in the hallway and he made eye contact with them so they'd understand that she was okay when he reached for her arm and pulled her into a nearby empty hospital room.

Olivia was so surprised that she just let him take the lead. He saw her protective detail station themselves outside of the door. They were standing guard, doing their jobs but also allowing them privacy.

She looked at Fin as the tears came. He hugged her immediately.

" _It's alright,_ " he whispered to her. " _I got you…_ " he told her softly as he wrapped one arm around her shoulder while the other hand cradled her head. Olivia slowly wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned her forehead into his shoulder.

" _Fin, what if he's raping her right now? Because of me…_ " She mumbled into his shoulder.

" _He wouldn't, Liv,_ " Fin said calmly as he held her. " _You know he plays by rules… going against his word and raping her anyways without giving you a chance to play his game wouldn't work out well for him. He knows that._ "

Olivia sniffled as she tried to regain control of her emotions.

" _Want me to call Elliot?_ " Fin whispered.

" _No,_ " she said immediately. " _I don't want him seeing me like this…_ " she told him. " _I've got you, I've got support, I'll be fine…_ " Olivia stated as she pulled away from him.

" _We're gonna get him, Liv._ " Fin promised her. " _I need you to know,_ " He told her slowly, " _If I get the chance, I'm killing him. I don't care if it's in cold blood, I don't care if I have to make up a white lie about how he came at me first… I'm gonna do it if I can and I need you to be prepared for that if it happens…_ "

Olivia took a deep breath. " _Okay…_ " she whispered to him, nodding her head and accepting his decision.

She took a moment to compose herself and cleaned her face up before they stepped outside into the hallway.

They figured out Lewis had changed cars and a body was found in the river. Lewis had killed a man after he'd robbed him and then stolen a vehicle.

They all went back to the squad room. Amanda was able to get an ID on the body from the river. The man owned a black SUV which is probably what Lewis was driving now.

Then Lewis called the squad room looking to talk to Olivia.

Olivia tried to talk to him on speaker phone but Lewis knew and made her take him off it. She tried to convince him to let the girl go, but of course that was useless. Then he started spouting off things about how twelve was the perfect age because it was when little girls started to look like women. It scared Olivia. She was scared for Amelia.

She told Lewis to give her his location and she'd come meet him. Murphy was listening and knew it was a good tactic but little did he know, Olivia was very serious.

Lewis refused. He told her he wanted her confession on the six o'clock news and ended the call.

They had been able to trace the call, but Lewis had dropped the phone in a back pack and left the back pack for them to find. The phone rang and Amanda answered. It was Lewis letting her know that she hadn't caught him. Amanda was angered.

After that, Olivia and Murphy were able to discover that his former lawyer was his next vic, or so they thought.

Olivia was on the phone with Lewis again, she told him she'd say whatever he wanted to hear if he let the lawyer and her husband live.

Eventually, Olivia pushed Murphy to let her give her confession on the news, he tried to talk her down but it didn't work.

Olivia appeared on the six o'clock news, telling the entire state that she had beat William Lewis, that she had subdued him, he had been cuffed, and she hadn't been in any danger when she literally beat him half to death. People gathered around the big screens on the streets, listening to the sergeant's confession. Olivia apologized for her inhumane actions and for her perjury. She requested that the D.A., which was Barba, take the steps to get his sentence overturned since her testimony is what put him in prison. She apologized once more and then she was off the screen.

Olivia went directly to the locker room, needing to compose herself and get out of her dress uniform. Fin followed her.

" _I'm fine…_ " she told him in and uneven voice as she began taking off her jacket. Fuck it, she was going to change right here between the lockers and the showers.

Fin turned around to give her some privacy but stayed in the room.

" _You're not fine…_ " he replied.

Olivia huffed and he heard clothes rustle as she changed.

She stayed quiet until she finally had on her jeans and a beige sweat shirt. She slammed her locker door shut in anger and frustration.

" _I'm done…_ " She told him quietly, letting him know he could turn around.

Fin walked over and sat down on a bench near her as she paced the floor.

" _You gotta breathe, Liv…_ " he told her.

" _I can't…_ " she replied. " _I keep thinking about Amelia, about her sister and mom… all of this was for me, Fin. Lewis did this because of me…_ " she said, sitting down beside him.

" _No, this is because Lewis is a sick, twisted fuck… don't let him do this to you… you got control over this…._ " Fin told her.

Just then Olivia's phone rang and she nearly jumped out of her skin. When she saw it was Elliot, she hit ignore.

" _You need to talk to him, Liv…_ " Fin told her sternly. " _He's your saving grace, you know that._ "

" _I'll talk to him when this is over._ " She promised Fin.

Then Olivia's phone dinged. It was a text from Elliot.

" _ **I saw your confession on the news. What the fuck is going on?**_ " his text read.

Olivia huffed.

" _ **Can't talk now, I'm fine…**_ " she typed and hit send.

" _ **Like hell you are.**_ " His reply had been instant.

Then Fin's phone began to ring. Rolling his eyes, Fin reluctantly answered, knowing it was Elliot.

" _Hey man,_ " Fin started. " _No, she's okay, I'm sitting in the locker room with her now…._ " He said. Olivia could only hear Fin's side of the conversation but she could guess at the things Elliot was probably saying. " _Man, I would pass her the phone but you know, I don't feel like getting my ass kicked so…_ " Fin trailed off and Olivia smiled a bit. " _Yeah, yeah okay, I'm doing it now…_ " Fin said.

He leaned over placing his elbows on his knees, putting one hand over his face as he punched a button with his thumb from his other hand and held out the phone.

" _Aight Stabler, you're on speaker phone, she's listening…_ " Fin huffed, glancing at Olivia to see her reaction, to see if he needed to duck from one of her punches but she only rolled her eyes.

" _You listen to me Olivia Benson,_ " came the voice from the phone. Olivia's eyes narrowed and her lips pressed into a thin line at Elliot using her full name. He hadn't done that for a while.

" _I don't know what's going on but I know you're not okay, you didn't look anywhere near okay on the news… I'm sure it's big, whatever it is… and I know it has to do with Lewis…_ " He continued. " _You don't have to talk to me… I just wanted you to hear my voice, to know I'm here for you… No matter what is happening, I'll be here afterwards, Okay?_ " Elliot didn't really expect her to respond though.

" _El…_ " She said silently and Fin lifted his head to look at her. He hadn't expected her to speak either. " _Can you do a couple of things for me?_ "

" _Anything…_ " Elliot promised her.

" _There's a rape victim in the ER of the hospital where Kathy works… she's sixteen, Lewis did a number on her…_ " Olivia told him.

" _He's escaped?_ " Elliot asked carefully.

Olivia ignored his question. " _I promised her I would get her some of the scar ointment that Kathy gave me… can you find out where Kathy got it and how we can get some more of it for the girl? Her name is Lauren… When we left the hospital earlier, she was in room 4C._ " Olivia told him.

Elliot accepted that she wasn't going to answer him about Lewis.

" _Okay, Liv._ " He said slowly. " _I'll call Kath and find out… what's the second thing?_ " he asked.

Olivia cleared her throat.

" _I'd like for you to text or call Kathleen… see if she saw the news too?_ " Olivia told him seriously.

" _Okay…_ " Elliot agreed.

" _And if she did, tell her it was just a ploy… a thing I said to catch Lewis…okay?_ " Olivia almost begged him.

" _I will,_ " he promised her. " _Can you do something for me?_ " He asked and it almost sounded like he was whispering.

" _Maybe…_ " Olivia answered him.

" _Just… stay alive, Okay?_ " he pleaded with her. Elliot knew her too well. He knew she'd place herself in danger if it meant saving a victim from harm.

" _I…_ " she tried to respond but her voice was breaking. " _Bye, Elliot…_ " Olivia whispered. She swore her heart almost broke in half at the words. Olivia got up quickly and exited the locker room before she could become emotional again.

" _She's gone man._ " Fin told him.

" _Can you watch her six?_ " Elliot asked.

" _I'm gonna try, she's already got two protective detail detectives riding her ass…_ " Fin said.

" _Good…_ " Elliot stated. " _Let me know if there's anything I can do…_ "

" _Will do._ " And with that, Fin hung up.

 **It's getting dark again, I'm sorry. Keep in mind that whenever this story ends, Olivia will be okay, don't worry. The next chapter won't go into much detail of her rape. I'm just going to type enough so y'all can understand what happened and where her head is at with her feelings and emotions. There's no reason to go into gruesome details.**


	25. Chapter 25

**Thanks for the reviews! I love them.**

 **Trigger warning.**

 **Olivia is raped in this chapter. I made it as brief and least detailed as possible. You don't have to read it if you can't or don't want to. I almost died writing it and I kinda hate myself for writing it, so crap/mean reviews are def welcomed…**

" _It's been six hours, Fin_ " Olivia stated as she paced back and forth in the precinct. It had been six long, agonizing hours since she had made her confession which meant it was around midnight.

" _So we keep waiting,_ " Fin replied as if it was a piece of cake.

" _You were right Murphy,_ " Olivia said to their now acting squad leader. " _My confession didn't matter… He's gonna kill her anyways…_ " The brunette continued to pace back and forth.

Nick piped in, telling her not to think that way. Amanda also spoke up, suggesting maybe Olivia should get some rest. Murphy agreed but Olivia refused, so he had to make it an order. Olivia's protective detail were assigned to escort her back to her hotel.

She was able to talk them into going to the hotel bar and grill instead. Her protective detail sat across the table from her flirting with each other. Olivia felt like she was going to vomit.

She asked if she could go to the restroom. After the female detail had cleared it, Olivia was able to talk the woman into giving her some privacy. Olivia had only wanted to check her phone. She'd received a picture of Amelia being hung up with rope around her wrists. Olivia sent him a text asking him where he was.

Lewis replied, telling her to come get the girl alone, or he'd kill her.

Olivia slipped out of the bathroom, able to slip out the side entrance because the two detectives were back flirting with each other at their table. She took a car from a pedestrian using her gun and badge.

The brunette drove to the location that Lewis had given her. It was a construction lot out in the middle of nowhere basically.

Lewis came out pointing a gun at her. He took her gun and phone, took off her vest. He felt her up and clearly enjoyed it. The only thing he kept was her radio. He'd ended up taking her to an old building that looked like it might have been condemned.

Olivia thought she might vomit for real when he started talking about PTSD and the flashbacks that he figured she had had about him. Olivia denied it, not wanting to give him the satisfaction.

As he walked her up each level he carried on the conversation. Lewis asked how her cop boyfriend was doing, then stated that he must be out of the picture by now because of what Lewis had done to her during their last encounter. Olivia didn't reply to him but in her mind, she was thinking Lewis was right about this one thing. Brian hadn't been able to handle her after the assault. Brian had failed her. Not that she blamed Brian, but he had. He'd told her he loved her but he was shit at showing it. Maybe Olivia should have been angrier at him.

Lewis talked about how Brian wasn't at the trial. Olivia remained quiet, decided not to let on that the only reason Brian wasn't there was because she had refused to let him come.

" _The girl, Lewis._ " She had finally told him, losing her patience. " _We had a deal, where's the girl?_ "

He had smiled at her. " _I'm a man of my word. She's upstairs._ "

Olivia had proceeded up the steps and saw Amelia. She looked okay aside from being scared. Olivia explained who she was and promised the girl that the police were on their way.

Lewis told her she had two options, she could either watch the girl be raped or the girl could watch her being raped.

Olivia swallowed hard. The answer was obvious, she would volunteer herself first. It was her natural instinct to protect others, especially children.

He duct-taped her legs to the legs of the table that was in the center of the room.

She tried to talk him out of it. She told him the cops were on their way, that if he left now, he could escape. Lewis handcuffed her left arm to the table and tied the other with a rope. Olivia wanted to stay strong for Amelia but she was terrified.

She had told the girl to look away and was relieved that she obeyed.

The rape was quicker than she expected it to be. She had gripped the table firmly when he undid her pants, pulled them down, and entered her. After that, she tried to tell her mind to drift elsewhere. She didn't cry, which surprised her, she'd always thought she'd cry if she was ever raped, which had been something she'd thought about every now and then with her job. She hadn't even made a sound.

From the moment he had unbuckled the belt on her pants, shock had overcome her. In the instant of fight, flight, or freeze, she had frozen. It had been as painful as she expected.

He came inside her quicker than she anticipated he would and he adjusted her pants back to the way they were, minus buckling her belt back. Olivia was actual grateful for that.

She was still frozen as he talked to her co-workers through the radio. She tried to remind herself of the steps of shock and how victims cope after a sexual assault. After all, she was highly skilled in this area but at her current stage of trauma, all she could do was try to control her breathing and pray her team arrived before Lewis moved onto Amelia.

Murphy was definitely right, though. Lewis didn't give a damn about the girl. He was solely focused on Olivia. He had made her play a game of Russian roulette. One bullet, five empty chambers.

She'd been forced to put the gun to her head twice and pull the trigger by the time her team had busted into the room. Olivia was going through shock all over again now from being forced to almost end her life twice.

Fin was the first one through the door and shot Lewis on site, not giving anyone else a chance to take a shot or try and talk him down. The blood splatter covered Olivia, who was slowly emerging from her state of shock, or trying to anyways. She was experiencing so many different kind of traumas today.

Fin walked over to Lewis and cleared his gun before making sure the man was dead. Murphy told everyone not to say anything until they were checked out at the hospital and had a union rep with them but Fin ignored him.

" _You okay?_ " he said walking up to her. Olivia was able to free her wrists from the rope and Murphy uncuffed her other wrist, but no one had seemed to catch on to the fact that she wasn't just standing at the end of the table.

" _Fin…_ " She whispered hoarsely while gazing straight ahead. " _My ankles…_ "

" _Shit…_ " Fin stated once he realized she was duct-taped to the table legs. " _Hold on,_ " he told her as he pulled out a pocket knife to cut the tape with.

Nick and Amanda were taking care of Amelia.

As soon as Olivia's ankles were free, her knees buckled and she hit the ground.

" _Woah,_ " Fin commented, trying to catch her but failed. " _Alright, come here…_ " He called to her, grabbing her around the waist to help her up. She didn't flinch but she knew it was because she was partially still in shock. Olivia was so out of it.

Fin, with the help of Murphy, helped her to get outside. Amelia was being put in an ambulance.

Murphy went to check on Amelia before the ambulance left and Nick came over to help Olivia into the back of his car after putting a blanket around her shoulders. It would be much faster to drive her to the hospital rather than wait until another ambulance arrived.

Murphy came over as Nick was getting into the driver's seat. He told her not to talk to anyone including Nick and that they would all meet her at the hospital. Then Murphy turned to Fin and said the same thing. IAB would need to get involved now since Fin was the one who had taken out Lewis.

" _I'm riding with her…_ " Fin stated, opening the door to the other side of the back seat.

" _No you're not._ " Murphy objected as he stalked over to the car where Fin was.

" _Try and stop me._ " Fin told him as he shut the car door in Murphy's face and stared at him through the glass window of the car door.

Murphy rolled his eyes and cussed under his breath but let it go. Fin could explain himself to Tucker later, right now Olivia was his main concern.

Fin made sure not to touch Olivia as he sat in the back seat. He didn't want to scare her or contaminate evidence.

After a few moments of riding in silence, Olivia could feel Fin's eyes on her. She swallowed and turned her head to her right to look at him but his gaze wasn't focused on her face. Instead, he was staring at her unbuckled belt. Olivia looked down, seeing what he was looking at and reached in front of her to buckle it.

She looked back up at him, making eye contact. Her face was blank and she only held his gaze for a moment before she went back to staring at the back of Nick's seat in front of her.

Nick kept glancing at her in the rearview mirror but he never said anything. He was following Murphy's orders.

When they arrived at the hospital, both men helped her out of the car and into the ER. Murphy had called ahead and Olivia already had a room waiting for her.

Photos were taken of her face and clothing because it was splattered with blood. Her blood was drawn and blood pressure was taken. Fin had stayed with her the entire time.

She'd been taken to the same hospital that Lauren was at almost two days prior but the young girl had been discharged by now. She was probably at her grandparent's house resting… Or maybe she'd be back at the hospital to see Amelia. Olivia didn't know and she didn't want to think about it.

The nurse asked Olivia if a rape kit was necessary and Olivia had declined without hesitation, which Fin had heard.

When she thought about it, she almost laughed and the irony. Before, Lewis hadn't raped her and she had gotten the rape kit. Now that he had, she wasn't getting one.

The nurse promised Olivia that the doctor was on his way and asked if she wanted the woman to call anyone for her. Olivia declined and the nurse left.

" _Want me to call Elliot?_ " Fin had asked.

" _No…_ " Olivia had declined.

Olivia asked Fin how Amelia was doing. He told her she was scared and in shock but that physically she was unharmed.

" _So he didn't…_ " Olivia trailed off and Fin picked up on what she was trying to say.

" _No, no he didn't rape her… she was just… bait._ " Fin replied, looking at her. Her face was still covered in blood. He'd be glad when someone would allow her to get the shit off her face. Fin understood evidence and photos needed to be taken but damn.

"… _he got what he wanted…_ " Olivia whispered looking down.

" _Olivia,_ " Fin started very carefully. She looked back up at him. " _What'd he do to you?_ " Fin asked. He was worried, real worried.

Olivia remained quiet and looked at her feet dangling off the side of the hospital bed that she was perched on.

" _Thanks…_ " Olivia whispered.

" _What for?_ " He questioned.

The brunette looked back up at him, " _For shooting him…_ " she whispered in reply.

Fin pressed his lips together tightly. He'd warned her, he'd told her he would do it and he had kept his word.

He nodded his head in response. She didn't have to thank him but she knew that and had done it anyways.

…

In the waiting room that was already filled with cops, Rollins met Tucker as soon as he walked in the entrance of the ER.

" _Couldn't even wait until the blood was cleaned off her face, could you?_ " Amanda scoffed.

Tucker looked surprised at her comment and at how bravely she'd just got in his face.

" _Benson hurt?_ " He asked, seemingly concerned.

Amanda's eyebrows raised in surprise. " _You tryin' to convince me you actually care?_ "

Tucker huffed. " _The sooner it's over, the better._ " Tucker stated, surprised at how protective the blonde had all the sudden become of her superior. " _Besides, I'm here more to talk to Fin than her. I understand he's the one who killed Lewis?_ " Tucker questioned her even though he knew the answer.

Amanda was silent for a moment and intently stared at him.

She shook her head in disgust at him. " _Any of us would have done the same… It just so happens Fin's the one who beat everyone to the punch…_ " She told him fiercely.

Captain Tucker huffed in frustration. The blonde clearly hated him, the whole squad did. He'd taken every opportunity he could to have a go at Olivia Benson so he couldn't blame them.

" _Look,_ " he told her in a low, serious voice. " _I'm not here to try and fuck anybody over… I just want statements then I'm gone…_ "

She looked at him, trying to decide if he was telling the truth.

Tucker started to walk away but stopped briefly, looking back at her. " _And just so you know, I would have shot the sick son-of-a-bitch too…_ " and with that he went down the hall to greet Murphy and get an update on how Benson and Tutuola were doing.

…

Murphy came in to advise them that Tucker had arrived but that he was going to send him away to give them time to breathe.

" _No,_ " Both Olivia and Fin said in union. They looked at each other, surprised they were on the same page.

" _You sure?_ " Murphy tested. They both nodded.

A few minutes later, Tucker knocked lightly on her door as he entered her room. He stood in shock, looking at all the blood on her face. He swallowed hard. After the first Lewis encounter, Tucker hadn't taken Olivia's statement. He never saw the state she was in after that. This was the first time in all the years of knowing her that he'd ever seen Badass Benson look so broken. He was stunned.

" _You gonna stare or are we gonna get this over with?_ " Fin piped up from Tucker's right. He hadn't noticed Fin until now. Tucker huffed. No one seemed to follow the rules anymore. These two weren't supposed to be together until after they had given their statement.

" _Detective Tutuola…_ " Tucker began. " _I'm going to pretend like you were in the next room waiting for me…_ " He commented. " _They've cleared out the room for us to use…_ " Tucker told them.

Olivia walked forward, assuming she would go first but Tucker put his hand up to stop her.

" _Fin can go first…_ " He told her lightly. " _You can take some time, get cleaned up, get your head together…_ "

Fin stayed silent but walked closer and Olivia looked surprised, it showed on her face.

Tucker rolled his eyes in annoyance.

" _Does no one in the one-six think I have a heart?_ " Tucker spouted.

Olivia cocked her head to the side. " _Well…_ " she trailed off.

" _The blonde's already come at me, I don't need it from you two either. I'm just here for statements then I'm gone…_ " Tucker told them.

" _Amanda came at you how?_ " Fin asked in confusion.

" _Yeah…_ " he replied. " _She was pissed I was here for Benson so soon. She had a few choice words to say… anyways,_ " Tucker said. " _Let's go, Tutuola…_ "

Fin followed Tucker into the room next door leaving Olivia to think about Amanda and how she had seemed to care about the brunette all the sudden. Maybe it was because she'd finally seen Olivia's scars.

Fin's statement didn't take as long as he expected. It was just under an hour and the they had sat at a table that had been set up for them with a tape recorder in the middle of it, provided by Tucker. It was standard procedure. Fin explained how they'd found Lewis and how he'd opened fire as soon as he knew he had a clear shot. Tucker said nothing as Fin talked. Afterwards, Tucker thanked him and stood up to see him out the door of the room.

Fin stopped, briefly turning to tucker.

" _Am I gonna get shit for this?_ " He asked honestly, referring to the shooting.

" _No…_ " Tucker replied. " _Don't keep asking questions about it though,_ " he warned.

Fin nodded and went back to Olivia's room. She was changed into scrubs; her face was clean but her hair was still a mess so she hadn't taken a shower.

Olivia walked with Tucker next door and took a seat at the table that had been set up and Fin made his way back to the waiting room.

Her statement was longer than Fin's but she'd been through more than him. Olivia had told him everything about how she'd slipped protective detail because they had been flirting. He had an annoyed look for a moment and made a note on his paper. She knew he'd make a notation in their jackets and she didn't mind. If she would have been in real danger at that moment, Lewis would have gotten to her because those two love birds couldn't focus on their damn job. They didn't need to be protective detail for anyone.

Tucker remained quiet the entire time she spoke, giving her statement. She told him about how Lewis asked her to choose between herself and Amelia to be raped, how he'd duct-taped her legs to the table, then she told tucker that Lewis had decided on playing the game of Russian roulette, and she ended with how Fin had been the first one in the room and while Lewis was holding a gun in each hand, Fin had taken him out.

Tucker had been scribbling down important parts of her statement on a piece of paper. When she finished talking, he asked her a few questions to clear up any confusion that there had been about parts of her story.

" _Alright,_ " Tucker stated, sitting up straighter and turning the recorder off. " _I have to ask about the confession…_ " he told her.

He was right. Legally, he was required to ask about it.

" _I did it…_ " She whispered quietly.

Tucker let out a breath. " _I figured… and I always thought Stabler would be the one to snap…_ " he stated. She got worried but looked up to realize he had a small smile on his face. He was trying to make a joke, trying to lighten the mood. She'd never seen Tucker act like this… Maybe he'd just had a long day…

" _I'm going to write down that you made that confession because he told you to, that you did it to save the girl…_ " He said, looking at the papers he'd been scribbling on in front of him. " _I'll turn the recorder back on if you wanna say it but you don't have to…_ " He trailed off in thought.

" _What?_ " She said, her eyebrows bunched in confusion.

He looked up, taking a deep breath. He really hoped she'd let this go and not want to do the exact right thing for once.

" _You heard me…_ " he told her, making eye contact with her. " _There's no need to put you on trial for that, no need to pull your jacket and go through all this shit… Olivia, the man's dead… you can let it go and I can look the other way on this one…_ " Tucker told her strongly.

She was surprised. She'd been getting a lot of shocks today.

" _Agreed?_ " Tucker asked her and Olivia realized that she'd been staring at him in silence.

" _Um, yeah…_ " She responded in a whisper.

Olivia thought hard. She didn't want to lie about anything else. She didn't want to be one of "those" victims…

He'd gone back to writing in his notes.

" _Tucker…_ " She called to him.

" _Yeah?_ " he casually replied as he wrote.

" _Ed…_ " She tried, using his first name. It did the trick and he looked up at her in question.

" _Can you seal this case?_ " She asked him seriously.

" _What?_ " he asked in surprise.

" _This case… I need you to seal it. I know you can and I'd like you to…_ " She told him. " _I have another part of the story I need to add but, I need for you to seal my case. Make it where only the higher ranks in IAB and 1PP have access… close it off from my squad, my D.A., everyone else…_ " she stated seriously, eyeing him to see if he was willing to do it.

Tucker swallowed, now a bit worried.

" _Yeah… yeah, Olivia._ " He answered her softly. " _I'll put a seal on it._ "

" _I have your word?_ " She questioned, giving him the fierce Benson glare.

" _Yes,_ " Tucker promised her strongly.

Olivia took a deep breath.

" _Okay,_ " She told him. " _Turn the recorder back on._ "

He did as he was told, then put down his pen and linked his hands together in front of him on the table.

" _After Lewis duct-taped me to the table and restrained my hands, before the game of Russian roulette…_ " She tried to keep her voice strong but she was failing. " _He… he did rape me…_ " she whispered, looking away and wiping under her eyes to try and keep her tears at bay.

" _I don't understand…_ " Tucker began. " _I was told you declined the rape kit…_ " he stated in confusion.

Olivia almost rolled her eyes. Of course the nurses would give out information that they weren't supposed to. Did no one follow the rules around here?

" _That's right…_ " She responded, regaining her composure now.

" _Why?_ " He asked and her eyebrows shot up in surprise at his blunt question.

Tucker immediately sat back and threw his hands up in surrender, signaling that he meant no harm.

" _I believe you…_ " He told her. " _I swear I do,_ " He stated and she did believe he was being honest. " _And I don't work in SVU but… aren't you supposed to get the kit done not matter what?_ "

Olivia almost wanted to laugh at how supportive he was trying to be and how odd it was.

" _There's no reason to. Lewis is dead, I'm not going on trial… am I?_ " she tested.

" _No._ " He sharply answered.

" _Okay then, there's no reason to get it done… I just needed to take the emergency contraception and get the tests ran for STIs and HIV prophylaxis, which I did while you were interviewing Fin, and now it's done and over with… I don't need to prove my… my rape to anyone._ "

She had stuttered on the word "rape". This was going to be so hard for her.

" _You're right… you don't…_ " Tucker said, agreeing with her quietly. " _I'm sorry Olivia… I'm so sorry this happened to you…_ " he told her honestly with sad eyes.

She nodded at him in understanding. Tucker wasn't used to dealing with sexual assault victims. He probably had no idea how to act with her now.

Tucker reached and turned off the recorder.

" _You didn't need to disclose that… If you still don't want to, I can erase it?_ " He offered her.

" _I know, but I'm tired of lying and… in case it comes out at another time or during another incident, I needed to disclose… I need it to be documented on paper… It happened to me, I just don't care to go through the trauma of the rape kit, not again._ " She told him.

He nodded while beginning to stand up. " _That's understandable._ " He told her, giving her a thin smile as he turned and headed for the door.

" _Tucker…_ " Olivia called out.

He turned to see what she needed.

" _I haven't told them…_ " she replied lightly.

" _Your squad?_ " he asked in confusion.

" _Any of them… anyone…_ " she told him in almost a whisper.

Tucker thought for a moment.

" _You telling me I'm the only one that knows?_ " He questioned her.

" _As of right now, yes…_ " She said. " _And I need you to keep it that way until I can figure out what I'm doing… I know you gotta question everyone else, the entire squad so can you... can you not-_ "

" _It won't be mentioned,_ " he told her. " _You have my word… and this file,_ " He tapped on the casework in his hand, " _it's sealed._ " He reinforced.

" _Thanks,_ " she whispered as she nodded at him and he went out the door.


	26. Chapter 26

**Thank you so much for the reviews! I'm gonna be honest, I wrote most of this while I was drunk and I'm submitting it still slightly drunk but I didn't want to wait until morning. Please let me know what you think and if you have any suggestions as to where you want to see the story go!**

From the moment Olivia had been sexually assaulted, she had craved a shower. At the ER, it was the first thing she'd though about when they'd brought her to the room that had been saved for her arrival.

During the car ride to the ER was when Olivia had decided that she wasn't going to have the rape kit done. There was no reason to put herself through that trauma again and even if there had been, she couldn't honestly say she'd have gone through with it.

Olivia had opted not to shower at the ER though. There was too much going on and too many people around. She wanted to be able to take a hot, long shower in a normal sized bathroom that didn't have a cramped tiny shower in the corner like the hospital rooms did. Her ER room didn't even have a shower, none of the ER rooms did. She would have been escorted to the bathroom on the upper floor with the shower that the nurses let patients in the ER use when a shower is absolutely necessary.

Olivia had decided she would just wait until she got home, even though she was almost ready to crawl out of her skin. She could still feel him on her, feel his skin on hers and his breath and kisses on the side of her neck. She felt disgusted.

Lewis had broken her. He'd done the worst possible thing to her. She would have wished he'd killed her but then that would have left him alone with Amelia. He stole something from Olivia, something that she would never be able to get back. She'd always had baggage, always had things that she carried on her back like her mom's abuse and alcoholism, being a rape baby, Sealview, how Lewis had tortured her last time but this was something different, something more horrible and she was afraid this would be her end, that she wouldn't be able to come back from this.

The brunette was glad it hadn't taken an awful long time to give her statement to Tucker. She was even more grateful that he hadn't been a total asshole.

They had taken her clothes and shoes for evidence while Tucker had been interviewing Fin, they even took her golden necklace since it was splattered with blood. It didn't matter to her though. Even when they would return her clothes in a couple of weeks after CSU was done with them, she'd probably throw them away or burn them. If she was being honest, she didn't even want to wear the necklace anymore.

After her various levels of shock had worn off, she was stuck on autopilot. It's how she'd been able to stay so calm at the hospital, how she'd been able to talk to Fin and Tucker without completely falling apart. But of course, she was a special victims sergeant, she was well aware of her body and the fact that she was on autopilot. It happened to many victims after a sexual assault or rape. It was uncontrollable and she was also aware that whenever autopilot would come to an end, she would crash, hard.

After Tucker had left the room, she'd gone back to her own. She'd shut the door behind her and took in the silence as she sat down in her blue scrubs on the hospital bed.

CSU took only her surface clothes because the blood spatter was on them. Olivia had asked to use the bathroom while Tucker was interviewing Fin and she had changed clothes there as well, bagging the specific articles of clothing in evidence bags for CSU. She had been allowed to keep her underwear and bra but when she had changed into the scrubs, she's slipped her underwear off as well, opening the big trashcan in the corner of the bathroom, taking some trash out, stuffing her panties in there, and piling the trash back on top of them. She couldn't wear them anymore, not now that they had Lewis' semen on them and they smelled like him in her opinion.

Olivia had also gotten some paper towels from the dispenser, wet them, and wiped herself off between her legs as best she could. It had been slightly painful and she knew she'd be sore for a while. It was nothing compared to a shower but it'd have to do. Her hips were sore as well, she had fingernail marks from where Lewis had dug into her skin during the sexual assault, she knew she'd have bruising there too, eventually.

It had taken all her strength to not claw at her own skin. In that moment, looking down at her hips, she had wanted to crawl out of her skin and become someone else but she had shaken her head at her thoughts.

Sitting back in her room on the bed, the doctor had finally come in. He'd told her it'd take some time to get her test results back but physically that she seemed to be okay. The nurse had told him she'd taken the pills for emergency contraception and STIs. He offered to do a rape kit for her once more but she politely declined just as she had with the nurse. The doctor reminded her that she'd need to be back in a month for another round of blood tests. Sometimes it takes STIs and STDs a little while to show up in someone's system. She knew this of course and nodded her head in understanding.

They'd told her they wanted to keep her overnight for observation but she had strongly declined, asking them to bring her the discharge papers as soon as they could have them ready. The doctor reluctantly agreed and left her room, leaving her door cracked.

Tucker had clearly been using the room next door to continue to interview the rest of the squad because she could hear his voice coming from the hallway through the cracked door. It was procedure and she hated it.

Olivia got up and walked closer to the door to see what was going on.

Tucker had apparently just finished up interviewing Amanda and was sending her off to the waiting room to retrieve Nick.

" _Thank you for your cooperation, Amanda._ " He said to her lightly. Tucker was all about being a decent human being today apparently.

The blonde smiled back at him. Olivia noticed there was a twinkle in the younger woman's eye as she stared at the two of them through her cracked door.

" _And thank you for being civil and decent today…_ " Amanda trailed off. " _Listen, I'm sorry about earlier, I didn't mean any harm. I just…_ "

Tucker stopped her by putting his hand on her shoulder.

" _It's fine…_ " He told Amanda. " _She's your co-worker and you care about her, I get it…_ " Tucker stated understandingly. " _Just don't let it happen again…._ " He said, being serious but giving her a small smile to let her know it wasn't a threat.

Tucker dropped his hand from her shoulder as she nodded. Amanda looked up at him and smiled.

Olivia cocked an eyebrow and tried to figure out if this was innocent or not. She couldn't tell. She couldn't really get a read on either of them.

Amanda turned to go back out to the waiting room to get Nick but Olivia opened her door wider and stopped her.

" _Amanda…_ " Olivia called and the blonde looked over, as did Tucker.

" _Can I see you for a sec?_ " she asked her.

Tucker told Amanda to go and that he'd go retrieve Nick himself. Amanda mumbled a "thank you" before following Olivia into the ER room.

Olivia walked over and sat on the bed, waiting for Amanda to shut the door behind her.

" _How are you doing?_ " Amanda asked her, shutting the door and walking to stand in front of the brunette, looking at her with concerned eyes.

Olivia gave her a fake smile. " _I'm fine…_ "

Amanda nodded, accepting her answer.

" _I called you in here to ask a favor…_ " Olivia told her.

" _What is it?_ " Amanda asked.

" _Will you give me a ride home?_ " the older woman asked cautiously.

" _Of course…_." Amanda responded, slightly confused. " _But you know, Fin is still here too if you'd rather-_ "

" _No._ " Olivia told her quickly. " _I'd rather you do it… if you don't mind…_ " Olivia said lightly and Amanda nodded, deciding not to question the brunette.

Olivia didn't want Fin to take her home because he'd pick up on the fact that something wasn't quite right with her and she didn't want to talk about anything just yet.

Amanda sat down in a chair by the window as they waited for the nurse to bring in the release forms. It only took about fifteen minutes. Olivia signed them and she was free to go.

The blonde held the door open for Olivia but Olivia stopped her.

" _I uh… I don't want to walk through the waiting room. Can you pull the car around to the side and I'll meet you there?_ " Amanda gave Olivia a questioning look but smiled in agreement, heading off down the hall to fetch the car. There were too many officers and people she knew for Olivia to make the walk through the waiting room. Not to mention there were news crews outside because they had picked up on the fact that something big had happened today.

Olivia headed down another hallway to the side exit, and waited for Amanda's arrival.

Within minutes the blonde had pulled up in the maroon unmarked cop car that Nick had driven Olivia to the hospital in.

Olivia eased herself into the front passenger seat. She was still in her scrubs and now she was sporting a pair of ugly, cheap, white flip flops that the hospital had gifted her being that her shoes had been taken as evidence. She looked a bit ridiculous.

Amanda pulled out into the street and they were on their way. The blonde was surprised that Olivia had called on her. She wasn't sure why she had, but she accepted it.

" _Do we need to stop anywhere or you want me to take you straight home?_ " Amanda asked lightly as she glanced at Olivia, then turned her eyes back to the road.

Olivia thought for a moment. She was contemplating what to do, which road she wanted to go down so-to-speak.

" _Yeah actually…_ " Olivia said in an uneven voice. " _Can you stop at the corner store on the way to my apartment? You don't have to get out, you can park out front, I'll only be a minute._ " She asked the younger woman.

" _Sure,_ " Amanda replied lightly.

Within a few minutes, Amanda had pulled up to the store. Technically you weren't supposed to park out front like this, it was a tow zone but Amanda was a cop. If anyone tried to give her any trouble, all she had to do was flash her badge. She was in an unmarked cop car after all.

Olivia hopped out and true to her word, she didn't take long. She ran inside, grabbing a small basket to put her items in as she walked.

She picked up about six bars of chocolate. She wanted them and she would need them later. Olivia went to the alcohol section. Going against her instincts, she picked up three tall glass bottles of Gray Goose vodka, she had hesitated but she picked them up none-the-less and put them in the basket on top of the chocolate. Then she picked up two of the smaller, plastic, flask shaped bottles of vodka because they were easier to hold and she wasn't planning on using a cup. She wasn't planning on becoming an alcoholic either though, but after what she'd just been through, she deserved a drink, even if it was her mother's drink…

Olivia was walking a thin line but she was trying to keep her bearings. Officially, she'd be on mandatory leave for at least a month and she'd be forced to go get her head shrunken again. She'd need to be cleared psychologically before they'd let her work again but Olivia didn't want to think about this now.

As she was walking towards the check-out counter, she passed the women's care isle and stopped. Olivia turned slowly to her left and her eyes glazed over as she stared at the pregnancy tests that sat on the top shelf.

Olivia swallowed as she reached out slowly and grabbed two of them, tossing them into her basket. The brunette knew she wouldn't go back to the hospital for a pregnancy test, she'd rather just take them at home in a few weeks and get it over with. She honestly didn't want to think about the possibility of what she'd go through if they were positive.

She hustled to the check-out counter and the man began ringing up her items. He gave her a look as he ringed up the vodka and pregnancy tests back to back. Olivia ignored him. He put the chocolate in a separate small bag, and sat the vodka bottles in a big brown paper bag with the pregnancy tests beside the vodka, on top of the smaller, plastic bottles.

Olivia grabbled the bigger bag with one arm, and put the small bag of chocolate in her hand. Pushing open the door, she exited the store and got back in the car.

Amanda heard the bottles clash together as she started to pull away and gave Olivia a glance. Olivia noticed but kept her eyes on the road in front of them.

" _I'm not judging…_ " Amanda said lightly. " _I would need a drink too after the day you've had…_ " she commented.

Olivia reached down, grabbing a bar of chocolate out of the smaller bag and throwing it in Amanda's lap.

The brunette huffed. " _Here,_ " she said as she threw it lightly. " _Have some chocolate._ " Then Olivia turned to stare out of her window.

" _Thank you…_ " Amanda said with a small smile, picking up the bar and slipping it in the cup holder so she could eat it later.

They rode in silence for a couple minutes and the blonde could tell Olivia was deep in thought. Traffic was heavy and it'd take a few more minutes to get to Olivia's place.

" _It's a bad idea…_ " Olivia said lightly, turning her head to look at Amanda.

" _What is?_ " Amanda commented, turning to look at her. Traffic was at a standstill because the red light was backed up so Amanda didn't need to keep her eyes on the road right now.

" _Tucker…_ " Olivia responded in a hushed voice, staring at the younger woman to get a read on her. Amanda stared back with a blank face. Apparently, she had a good poker face, which the brunette should have expected because the young woman was a gambling addict after all.

Amanda turned her head back towards the road even though they were clearly still stopped. " _I'm not…_ " she answered.

Olivia took a breath. " _It looked like you might… at the hospital earlier in the hallway…_ " the brunette stated.

Amanda huffed in response.

" _He come onto you?_ " Olivia asked, wondering if Tucker had actually been a slime ball today without her knowing. He had been so out of character earlier.

" _No,_ " Amanda answered strongly. " _It was mutual… it's not turning into anything…_ "

Olivia turned her face forward to stare at the car in front of them, mirroring the blonde.

" _If it does, just be careful… that's all I'm saying…._ " Olivia told her lightly.

"I'm not going for him… I promise." Amanda confided in Olivia. " _I won't say it's not temping though…_ " The blonde reluctantly told her, rolling her eyes. " _But it's a no-go, I promise._ " Amanda told her.

Olivia nodded her head in acceptance. " _Alright._ " She answered, not expecting Amanda to tell her even if she were to go for Tucker.

They were quiet again as traffic finally moved. Olivia couldn't wait to get home and take a shower. She wanted to feel clean again but deep inside, she knew she wouldn't feel clean again for a very long time.

Traffic came to a stop at a couple red lights down and Amanda took this as an opportunity to turn the tables on Olivia.

" _You care to tell me about the pregnancy tests in your bag?_ " Amanda said lightly, hoping Olivia wouldn't feel attacked.

Olivia's head turned so quickly to the blonde that she thought she might have gotten whip lash.

" _What!?_ " Olivia responded in surprise.

Amanda took a deep breath. " _You heard me…_ " She whispered lowly.

" _You're gonna pretend you didn't see them…_ " Olivia told her firmly, giving the younger woman a glare.

" _I will… you have my word…_ " Amanda responded. " _But… I'd like to know what's going on… if you don't mind telling me?_ " Amanda asked, casting a glance at Olivia and then looking back at the road as traffic started to move again.

Olivia's lips pressed together in a thin line. " _It's not your concern, Amanda…_ " Olivia whispered slowly.

" _It may not be…_ " Amanda replied. " _But I care and I'm concerned._ " She stated firmly.

Olivia swallowed hard.

" _You've done a lot for me,_ " Amanda continued when she realized Olivia was going to stay silent. " _You got me back on my feet… saved me from gambling my life away…_ " she said. " _If there's anything you need me to do, I'll do it… I owe you, Liv._ " Amanda finished, casting another glance at Olivia as she pulled into the parking garage for Olivia's apartment.

Olivia took a deep breath.

" _I need you to forget you saw the pregnancy tests…_ " Olivia trailed off, turning to her left and looking Amanda bluntly in the eyes. " _Forget you saw this… please._ " Olivia requested lightly, pleading with the young woman.

Amanda took a deep breath now as she pulled into a parking space.

" _I will…_ " the blonde replied. " _But tell me, if you were pregnant… who'd be the father?_ " The blonde questioned, scared she might already know the answer.

Olivia paused with her hand on the door handle.

" _If I answer you… you don't tell Fin, you don't tell anyone. And you don't come up after me. Deal?_ " Olivia asked the younger woman.

Amanda swallowed hard now, her eyes full of fear and caution.

" _Deal._ " She whispered in agreement.

" _Lewis…_ " Olivia answered, her whisper matching the blonde's. " _Lewis would be the father…_ " she had replied.

Amanda was instantly in tears. The car was now in park and they were sitting still.

" _No!_ " Amanda replied strongly. " _Oh God… we didn't get to you in time…_ "

" _Hey,_ " Olivia told her softly, " _I'm gonna be okay,_ " she promised her. " _I'm gonna be fine… I need a few days to get my head together and figure out how to deal with this… but I'll be alright._ " Olivia told her strongly. Olivia wasn't strong by any means but she wanted to keep up the stance for Amanda. " _I'm on mandatory leave anyways… I got time…_ "

The blonde sniffled, wiping the tears from her eyes.

" _Olivia,_ " the younger woman started, fully turning her body towards Olivia now. " _I'm sorry we didn't get there in time, I'm so sorry._ " She'd told Olivia frantically, which made Olivia have tears in her own eyes.

" _It's alright,_ " Olivia told her, reaching out to grab Amanda's hand and squeezing it. " _This isn't on you and I knew the risks when I slipped the detail and met with Lewis… this isn't on you or any of the squad…_ " Olivia told her strongly. " _I'm going to take some days,_ " Olivia said, sniffling. " _I'm going to go back to therapy, get my head on straight, and I'll be back better and stronger than ever._ " Olivia had told Amanda but she didn't fully believe it. She didn't believe it at all if she was being honest. She was already contemplating turning her papers in, retiring and cooping herself up in her apartment for the rest of her life. Even as she was talking with Amanda and filling the young woman full of lies that she didn't believe, she felt like she'd already lost the battle.

Lewis had wanted to do something to Olivia that would stay with her forever, that would haunt her even after he was long dead, and he had succeeded, he'd done the most evil thing… he'd raped her.

Amanda was in awe at how strong Olivia had managed to be even though she'd been so brutally sexually assaulted. But then again, Amanda didn't realize Olivia was putting on an act for her.

" _Don't tell Fin or anyone else…_ " Olivia said in a whisper. " _Promise?_ " Olivia asked.

" _Yeah, I promise,_ " Amanda replied, wiping her face of her tears.

" _And promise me one more thing…_ " Olivia stated. " _No more gambling… don't let this make you relapse… promise?_ " Olivia asked again.

Amanda bit her lip and huffed.

" _I'm gonna try my best. I promise you that…_ " She said strongly, willing herself not to cry.

" _You got me, Fin, even Nick… Between one of us, we'll save you… We'll be your saving grace…_ " Olivia whispered to Amanda, grasping the young woman's hands in her own. " _Please, just come to one of use… please…_ " Olivia pleaded to her.

The irony was almost hilarious. Olivia was pleading the younger woman not to give into her demons when she herself was planning on going up to her apartment, taking a long ass shower, and getting wasted.

Amanda nodded her head. " _I will… I will._ "

Olivia gave her a light smile. " _Good…_ " she'd commented.

" _If you need help tonight though…_ " Olivia started. " _I'd call Fin or Nick…_ " She said. " _Because I'm probably gonna be fucked up beyond recognition…_ " Olivia admitted as she looked into the brown paper bag that was full of vodka bottles.

Amanda nodded her head in understanding as Olivia started to get out of the car.

" _I uh… I've been through too much today…_ " Olivia replied.

" _Yeah, I know the feeling…_ " Amanda told her but Olivia got the feeling that Amanda wasn't just talking about the hard day. The brunette could have sworn Amanda was commenting on her rape.

" _Amanda?_ " Olivia tried before she stepped out of the car.

" _Go…._ " Amanda told the older woman. " _I'm going to go pick Fin up at the hospital and take him home… we'll be fine… and so will you…_ " she told Olivia.

The brunette gave her a weak smile before shutting the door and walking to her building with her booze in hand.


	27. Chapter 27

**Thanks for all the reviews! Sorry this chapter took so long, I really wanted to get it right. I'm still not sure I did, but I hope you like it.**

 **Trigger warning, it gets dark at some parts.**

After Olivia made it inside of her apartment, she set her two brown paper bags on the counter of her kitchen and made a b-line to the bathroom, stripping her clothes as she went. She'd thrown the ugly flip flops away in the kitchen garbage can as soon as she'd come inside. Later, her scrubs would go in the trash too.

In the shower, Olivia turned the water as hot as she could stand it without burning her skin. She had been victimized all over again. She felt like she was starting back at square one. No, further back than square one. She'd never been here before, enduring sexual assault and torture was one thing, rape was another.

Olivia wanted to wash Lewis off of her body. She frantically scrubbed herself with a wash cloth and soap over and over and over again.

After almost an hour, Olivia had no choice but to leave the shower because the water had finally turned ice cold.

She reluctantly stepped out and put on an oversized sweatshirt that had belonged to Elliot. She'd gotten it from the closet, which is where she kept all of Elliot's clothing that she had, and the few clothes that Brian had left behind.

Olivia hadn't worn this sweatshirt in a while and she'd never washed it. The sweatshirt still smelled like him. She had paused as she put it over her head, breathing in Elliot's smell. It calmed her. It was better than Lewis, anything and everything was better than William Lewis.

She'd also put on some baggy sweat pants and for some reason, she'd decided against underwear. Maybe it was the rape and how her body was currently reacting, she wasn't sure but she didn't feel the need to want them on her right now.

Olivia huffed as she exited her bedroom, glimpsing at herself in the mirror. Her hair was wet, she wasn't going to bother with drying it. Her skin was a deep shade of pink, a mixture of her scrubbing herself clean and the water being so hot, too hot probably. To herself, Olivia looked tired and broken, she looked like a different person when she had seen herself in the mirror. Truth was, she was a different person now. Olivia was well aware that she would never be the same again and it made her sad.

As she walked back into the kitchen, she grabbed the small brown paper bag full of now only five chocolate bars because she had given one to the blonde. She opened one of the chocolate bars and began to consume it as she picked up her phone that she'd left disregarded on the counter top.

She hadn't even bothered to check it when she'd gotten it back at the hospital and it had stayed on silent. She was surprised it wasn't dead yet but looking at the battery, it was on twenty percent now. Her phone was full of text messages and missed calls.

Her screen had a few cracks in it from where Lewis had thrown it but the case she'd put on it when she bought it had done its job. She was actually lucky to get it back. Murphy had given it to CSU when they found it in their search for her, Lewis, and Amelia. CSU had hooked it up to one of their traveling computers and gotten all the data off of it that they needed and dusted it for prints just to confirm she and Lewis had been together at that location.

Then they'd come to the hospital to collect her clothing and one of the agents had left it with her nurse in a plastic evidence bag. As Amanda had brought the car around, the nurse had surprised Olivia by bringing it to her, catching her just before she had walked out the side exit door.

If Tucker had been pushing this case, she wouldn't have gotten her phone back for days, if ever. He must really be trying to make this an open and shut case if things were progressing this fast.

There were a couple of missed calls from Fin and several from either unknown numbers or numbers she didn't recognize. She guessed they were from after she'd gone rouge and her squad was trying to track her phone.

There was one lone more recent text from Elliot.

" _ **I saw the news… call me when you're ready…**_ " Olivia smiled sadly. He was giving her time. He knew she'd been through something terrible, something had happened.

The news wouldn't have done it justice though. The closest the media would have come to the events that took place today would be broadcasting that William Lewis had escaped, he'd raped and murdered more people, taken a twelve-year-old hostage and eventually a NYPD sergeant, then had been shot on site. Technically this would be ruled suicide by cop but the news wouldn't say that. Olivia had known from the moment Lewis had stayed in Manhattan that his end game would probably be death, otherwise he would have fled the state entirely.

Olivia knew the news stations well enough. That would have been a pretty close guess to what Elliot had seen on television. He was a smart man too, so he'd probably figured out that she was the sergeant that had been taken by Lewis as well, only she wasn't taken, she chose to go and she also volunteered herself to be raped.

There were several texts from Fin:

" _ **Why'd you get blondie to take you home?**_ "

" _ **I know you're not okay.**_ "

" _ **Amanda is real upset… what happened?**_ "

" _ **You better not be hitting the bottle.**_ "

" _ **Talk to me, Liv.**_ "

After the last one, he seemed to get the idea that she wasn't responding. She couldn't have anyways because she had been in the shower but she wasn't going to respond now either. She could tell Amanda had kept her secret because if Fin knew she'd been raped, he would have showed up by now.

Then there were a couple of texts from Nick:

" _ **Heard Amanda gave you a ride home, hope you're okay.**_ "

" _ **Let me know if you need anything.**_ "

The final text was from Amanda:

" _ **If you need anything, I'm here.**_ "

It was a simple statement and Olivia was still surprised Amanda had showed interest and concern for her.

Olivia finished off the chocolate bar, put the two plastic flask like containers of vodka in the fridge and also two of the tall glass bottles, leaving one bottle out. After putting the two pregnancy tests on the counter and dumping the chocolate out on the counter beside them, she wadded up both paper bags and chunked them in the garbage.

Grabbing her phone and the bottle of vodka, Olivia went to the living room, turning out the light in the kitchen on her way.

Olivia sat down on the floor between the coffee table and the couch. With her back leaning against the couch, she used the back of her feet to push the coffee table further away from her so she'd have more room.

It was dark in her apartment now aside from the glow of the city from her windows casting small bits of light into her living room. At this moment in time, it seemed like the perfect amount of light. Not too bright, but not pitch black. She could see the outline of all the furniture. It reminded her of the night she'd spent with David because the lighting had been similar.

Olivia swallowed hard just thinking about her night with David. It was probably the last time she'd ever have sex and she hadn't even known it at the time. If she had, she'd have done a hell of a lot more with David.

She tried not to think about sex.

Olivia grabbed the bottle she'd sat beside her on the floor and opened it. She longed for another shower. She wished she would have bought a douche at the store too, a few of them. Olivia didn't know if it'd help her feel cleaner or not but she'd be willing to try anything. She felt dirty. Her skin was still pink from her incessant washing.

Tipping her head back slightly, she took a long drink from her bottle. The vodka burned her throat as she swallowed it. Her eyes watered but not because of the sting but because she had become her mother.

Olivia Benson had almost come full circle into Serena Benson. She was damaged and broken… so broken.

Silent tears made their way down her face as her thoughts consumed her.

She could feel Lewis' hands on her waist shoving her into the end of the table. She'd been going through shock when his nails had made the marks on her hips, she hadn't even realized it until afterwards.

Drink.

She could still feel his tongue on her neck, his lips touching her skin. It was like he was literally setting her body on fire, causing her pain as if his saliva had been acid.

Drink.

He'd slipped his hands under the front of her shirt, trailing up and touching her scars. He'd mumbled something to her about her being a piece of his artwork, his masterpiece. If Olivia hadn't been in shock during the rape, she would have vomited.

Drink.

The tears kept coming, pouring down her face, probably making up for the tears that she hadn't shed during the sexual assault. Olivia shook her head from side to side as she tried to shake the feeling of Lewis pressed up behind her.

Drink.

She could still feel him inside.

Drink. A lot.

The bottle in her hand was just under three-fourths full. She was starting to feel the vodka's effects.

Olivia stood up suddenly, needing to get up and move around to remind her that Lewis wasn't here, he wasn't behind her anymore. She needed to remember he was dead. William Lewis was dead. Fin had shot him.

Setting her bottle on the coffee table, she grabbed onto the couch and then the chair to keep her balance. She wasn't drunk, not yet. Tipsy, but not drunk.

She was going to go down, she realized. Not literally, but figuratively. This would probably be her downfall. She wiped her face off, grabbed her bottle of vodka and walked over to look out the blinds which she'd left open on purpose so she could have a small bit of light. She stared down at the city, the city she once loved. For the most part, she still loved it, it was just becoming more and more difficult with her job.

She walked over to the coffee table as she alcohol started to swirl inside her, grabbing her phone. She needed to do this before she was drunk, while she had enough alcohol in her system, enough liquid courage to ensure she'd actually do it.

Dialing his number, she waited for him to answer as the tears flowed freely again. She grabbed the vodka bottle off the coffee table and laid down on her couch, propping her back up on a pillow from the couch and putting her phone on speaker phone and laying it on top of her chest. The bottle was becoming a comfort to her.

" _Hey…_ " he finally answered.

" _Hi…_ " she replied quietly, but she'd never been able to hid anything from him.

" _You're crying._ " He observed.

She was silent.

" _What happened today, Liv?_ " he asked lightly.

A splash sound was made as she raised the bottle to her lips and took a sip.

" _That vodka I hear?_ " he questioned carefully.

" _Yeah…_ " she replied in a whisper, reaching to the coffee table to grab a tissue to wipe her nose.

" _Alright…_ " he accepted. He wasn't going to judge her, not now, not when he knew there was more to the story here.

" _Tell me what happened, Liv…_ " He asked her again. He sounded concerned and almost scared.

" _Elliot…_ " she openly cried into the phone.

The phone was silent for a briefly.

" _I'm coming over._ " He stated strongly. " _I know you're home, Fin told me you had Amanda drive you home._ " She heard rustling of clothing and a door shutting. Then an engine cranked. If she wasn't in such a disastrous state, she would have made a comment about him and Fin talking about her behind her back. She wondered what else Fin had told him.

He didn't hear her protesting and that was good because he was coming over whether she liked it or not.

The liquid sloshed again as she took another drink.

" _Liv,_ " He called to her. " _I'm not knocking you for drinking right now, I'm not… but I only have the key to your old apartment, not the new one, Okay?_ " he told her lightly. " _So, I'm gonna need you to stay sober enough to get to the door and let me in…_ "

She wanted to roll her eyes at him even though he wasn't really there yet. " _I'm not that far gone, El._ " She told him. He wasn't sure he believed her but Olivia was telling the truth. She wasn't so intoxicated that she couldn't make it to the door or unlock it for him. She wasn't even slurring her words, but she only did that when she was extremely wasted, Elliot was like that too though. They had figured it was from their cognitive training at the police academy.

" _Talk to me,_ " he requested as he drove.

" _Did you uh… did you call Kathy and ask her about the scar ointment?_ " Olivia asked, changing the subject.

" _Yeah, yeah._ " He replied. " _She dropped it off at the ER after her shift at the hospital ended, she left it with the girl's nurse to give to her._ "

" _Good…_ " Olivia whispered. Her mind now wondered to the girl. They were one in the same now. Maybe this is what she got for not being fully honest with the girl, for not telling her that Lewis hadn't raped her. Maybe she shouldn't have let the girl believe they'd been through the same thing because in that moment, they hadn't.

" _What about Kathleen?_ " Olivia asked, worry and fear filling her voice.

" _Yeah, she saw the confession… I told her it was fake but she saw the news today too… She's worried but I told her you were okay._ " Elliot told her. " _Even though I know you're not…_ " he replied lightly.

" _Thanks…_ " she whispered.

Her tears had stopped now but they could start back at any moment. She had no control over her emotions, not today. She didn't know if she would ever be able to control them again. She'd lost a lot today, including control over a lot of things in her life.

" _You know…_ " He started after hearing she was silent for too long. " _I saw on TV earlier that Babs Duffy was going to be heading a protest in Harlem…_ " Elliot told her and Olivia smiled through her fresh round of tears. These were a mixture of happy and sad tears. Happy because he was trying to get her mind off the trauma that happened to her today, he cared. But sad because she would eventually have to tell him what that trauma was.

" _Yeah?_ " she sniffled, replying to his comment about Babs.

" _Yeah,_ " he said and then chuckled. " _And you'll never guess what she was wearing…_ " Elliot stated and Olivia's eyebrows knit together confused as to why Elliot would care about what kind of clothing the redhead was wearing. " _An engagement ring._ " He answered her silent question. " _Can you believe someone agreed to marry that crazy woman?_ "

Olivia let out a small laugh as her she wiped her tears away with a tissue.

" _Well, you are single now El, and she did kiss you…_ " Olivia said, trying desperately to get her mind off the shit that had gone down today. " _I'm pretty sure there was some chemistry there…_ " she tried to joke.

" _Yeah, well she kissed you too…_ " Elliot spoke up.

"… _so did Lewis._ " Olivia's whispered words were out of her mouth before she could even control them. She closed her eyes tightly upon hearing her own words.

Elliot remained silent for a moment.

" _We talking about old nightmares or new ones?_ " he asked lightly, trying to determine if she was referring to the last time Lewis had taken her or what had happened to her today.

" _Where are you at now?_ " Olivia asked, changing the subject.

" _Pulling into your parking garage. I'm coming, Liv…_ " he promised her. " _A few more minutes and I'll be there._ "

She remained silent. She was honestly terrified of him being with her. Olivia didn't want Elliot to see her like this, she didn't want him to know, or anyone to know for that matter but people had already found out. She'd told tucker willingly and that was all she had wanted to do today but then Amanda went and peeked in Olivia's bag when Olivia was looking out the car window.

She figured she might as well get it over with. It'd eat her up if she didn't. She'd need to confide in Fin too but she didn't want to think about that now.

After a few seconds, she heard him shut the engine off and a car door slammed. He must have found an open spot on the ground floor of the garage, Olivia determined.

" _You think Babs is marring a man or woman?_ " Elliot asked Olivia to get her mind off whatever had happened today.

" _Woman…_ " Olivia replied in a small voice. " _She was always more into women, she felt more comfortable with them…_ "

Elliot swallowed hard. She was struggling, he knew that. But he also had paid attention to the fact that he hadn't heard any liquid slosh around for a good little while.

" _Alright, Liv._ " He told her lightly. " _I'm almost at your door. Meet me there?_ "

She didn't reply but Elliot heard her moving around and in a few seconds, he was outside her door and could hear her locks being undone.

He hung up his phone as her door opened and he saw her. Elliot stepped into the apartment and closed the door behind him. He turned around looking at her, cocking his head to the side.

" _That's mine._ " He stated, nodding his head at her sweatshirt, or his rather.

" _Was yours…_ " she corrected him with a small smile as she turned around, swaying slightly on her feet due to the vodka and headed towards the couch.

He saw the bottle of vodka that was more than half empty on the coffee table. Olivia saw his stare and side stepped the couch and made a b-line to the window. Elliot wasn't surprised her apartment had been slightly dark. She'd had a bad day, it was one of her customs.

Elliot followed her to the window, standing beside her. He took a deep breath. He'd noticed her face was red from crying, but in the light from the city, he could see her skin was pink everywhere, her hands, her neck, the parts of her arms that showed when she'd adjusted the sweatshirt. Her hair was also still damp and slightly messy which meant she'd showered.

Olivia was sniffling again. He looked over to see tears running down her face. Her stance was defensive, with her arms crossed over her chest. It was pure Olivia Benson. He could tell she was trying not to close up on him.

" _I don't know how to tell you what happened to me today…_ " Olivia whispered to him, swaying slightly on her feet and refusing to turn and look at him even though he was facing her and looking at her. He was wearing dark jeans and a black t-shirt with some lo-go on it that she hadn't really paid any attention to.

Olivia didn't know if he owned any pant suits anymore but they only one she'd seen him wear was when he came to her trial. Seeing him dressed so casually still threw her off sometimes.

" _Okay…_ " Elliot started, trying to figure out how to make it easier for her. " _I'll start out with telling you what I know…_ " He said in a hushed voice, biting his bottom lip before continuing. " _I know you slipped your detail and went to Lewis to save the girl, that you were the sergeant he took hostage. I know you were forced to play Russian roulette. Fin shot Lewis in the head, I know that and if he hadn't, I would have found a way to kill him myself…._ " Elliot stated strongly. " _And I know…_ " he told her in a whisper, " _that when your team got to you, your legs were duct-taped to the table legs and you had one hand cuffed to the table… and that at the hospital, you refused the rape kit…_ " he whispered, staring at her intently. Olivia was now shaking.

" _So just fill in the blanks for me, tell me what I don't know._ " He asked, almost begging.

She pressed her lips together and took a deep breath in through her nose.

More tears came. She couldn't decide if she hated Fin or loved him for telling Elliot all of this information. On one hand, she didn't want Elliot knowing all that but on the other hand, it saved her from having to tell him.

Olivia turned to walk to the couch, but she didn't make it that far. She collapsed onto the floor, just short of the couch from a mixture of the alcohol and the tears as they overcame her.

Elliot was at her side instantly. He walked past the coffee table and sat to Olivia's left, kneeling down almost in front of her, trying to make eye contact.

" _What did that sick fuck do to you, Liv?_ " he asked. Elliot was terrified and he was breathing hard.

Olivia wasn't silently crying anymore. She was actually crying, letting her feelings and emotions out. Sounds of sadness and light cries filled the air of her apartment.

" _He… He did it, El…_ " She cried to him, shutting her eyes hard and letting her head hang in guilt, shame, and utter defeat.

Something inside Elliot broke.

His face showed shock and he moved closer to Olivia, putting his arms around her slowly in case she wanted to reject his hug, letting her lean into him. Both of their backs were leaning against the couch now. It was a good thing she had pushed the coffee table out earlier because Elliot would have never fit in the cramped space on the floor between her coffee table and the couch.

" _Liv…_ " he whispered to her but it's all he could say right now so Elliot stayed quiet and she buried her face into his shoulder as she frantically cried, finally letting it all out. He tried to pull her closer but Olivia pulled back, her tears continued as his arms hung loosely around her and she stared at the carpet.

" _He did it, he finally did it…. He broke me for real this time._ " Olivia told him, mustering up the courage to look at him as she cried. " _I was already worried about the scars before but this?_ _I'm broken, no one is going to want me now!_ " she cried frantically and he pulled her into his shoulder, this time she let him. Elliot had heard the underlying question she'd hidden in her statement. He knew exactly what she had meant.

He held her tighter, cradling her head with his right hand as her body shook.

" _I still want you._ " He whispered in her ear, tears welling up in his eyes. He heard her breath hitch at his blunt statement. " _I still want you, Olivia. That will never change… never._ " Elliot reinforced, entering the dangerous territory of the topic of 'them'.

Olivia pulled back forcefully, pushing against his chest to give them distance, shaking her head in disagreement.

" _No…_ " she denied. Her face was red and slightly puffy from crying, her tears were still coming. " _You don't know what you're saying, Elliot._ "

" _I do…_ " he counter argued lightly, dropping his hands to his sides. In so many words, she'd just told him she had been raped. So if she wanted to pull back and create distance between them, he needed to respect it.

She closed her eyes and ran a shaky hand through her hair.

Opening her eyes, she reached to get a tissue from the coffee table and wiped her nose and face before discarding it back on the table.

" _Elliot… he…_ " She tried. She was trying, she really was but she couldn't seem to piece the words together.

Elliot sat quietly, waiting to hear what she was trying to tell him.

Olivia huffed, reaching for the vodka bottle on the table. She closed her eyes, took the top off, and took a long swig from it. Elliot watched her in silence. He'd already decided he wouldn't stop her, not tonight. One day of drinking wouldn't make her an alcoholic even if she was drinking vodka.

She set the bottle on the floor but the top remained off and her hand remained around the neck. She had happily welcomed the burning sensation down her throat.

The brunette was basically drunk now.

" _I can't do this…_ " she said. Her tears had started to flow again but this time they were silent. She wasn't frantically crying in hysteria.

He swallowed. There was no way of telling exactly what she was talking about.

Elliot leaned forward, taking the vodka from her hands. She tried to protest but before she could, he'd thrown his head back and chugged the small amount of liquid that was left in the glass bottle.

She was shocked, her mouth hung open making it evident too.

" _My God that's terrible, Liv._ " He commented, coughing and making a face. It'd been years since he had vodka, especially straight vodka.

This made her laugh even though she still had undried tears on her face.

" _That was mine… there is more in the fridge you ass._ " She commented at him, giving him a face.

He made a mental note about her admission to stashing vodka in her fridge but he wouldn't get rid of it.

She grabbed the bottle back, casting him an unimpressed look at she screwed the lid back on the bottle and tossed in on her couch.

They sat in silence for a few moments.

Olivia's head was still swirling with alcohol, even more so than before.

She took a deep breath and looked at him in the eye.

" _He raped me, El._ " Olivia stated boldly. Her eyes watered but no tears fell.

Elliot nodded his head in understanding.

" _I'm not going anywhere._ " He promised her. Their eyes locked. " _I'm gonna help you through this, Liv._ " He told her lightly.

She sniffled. " _Fin doesn't know._ " Olivia told him.

" _I figured… if he had, he would've given me some kind of hint or a warning…_ " Elliot replied and Olivia nodded. The two men had a new found friendship now because of her. It was odd but aside from both being detectives, it was the one thing they had in common. Elliot wasn't the same kind of detective anymore but it didn't matter much.

Olivia looked around the room, it was starting to spin.

" _I wanna take another shower but I'm too drunk…_ " she commented out loud.

" _Yeah,_ " Elliot smiled lightly at her. " _Yeah you are…_ "

His smile was infectious, it made her smile briefly.

" _Take me to bed?_ " she asked lightly and Elliot looked like he'd just gotten the shock of his life because he sure as hell wasn't doing anything like that with her, at least not tonight.

" _No._ " she stated, rolling her eyes and instantly knowing where his mind went. " _Just… help me to bed?_ " she shyly rephrased her question.

It was slightly cold in her apartment but she didn't care to adjust the thermostat.

Elliot stood up first. It was like he hadn't been affected by the vodka very much but he'd had way less than her.

He offered her his hand and she took it, easing herself up.

Olivia was swaying on her feet, leaning into him. He was trying to figure out the best way to help her to bed.

She must have picked up on this. " _You can put your arm around my waist…_ " she told him lightly. " _Be gentle though… there's some um… some soreness and bruising on my hips so…_ " Hearing this almost killed Elliot but he nodded in understanding.

He slipped his arm around her waist and began to help her walk past the kitchen to get to her room but Elliot stopped immediately upon seeing the two pregnancy tests sitting on her counter.

He swallowed hard and she followed his line of vision, seeing what he was staring at.

Olivia buried her face into his shoulder, still slightly swaying on her feet since her balance was off. She shut her eyes tightly for a moment, before opening them and speaking. " _He…he finished inside me…_ " she told Elliot in a whisper and it had been common knowledge that in all his rapes, Lewis had never bothered to use condoms. The statement must have been too much for her because her knees buckled but Elliot's grip was firm.

" _I've got you…_." He promised her, choosing not to comment on what she'd disclosed to him. " _I'm gonna put my other arm behind your knees and pick you up, alright?_ " he asked for permission.

She looped her arm around his neck and leaned into, nodding. Olivia was admitting defeat tonight.

He scooped her up as gently as he could and he pressed her face against his shoulder. He made his way into her bedroom and laid her down on the bed, pulling the covers back and covering her with them. She had left a lamp on that sat on the side table.

" _Stay…_ " she mumbled closing her eyes as she got more comfortable in the bed.

" _I'm not going anywhere._ " He promised her.

Her eyes remained closed as she patted the empty bed space to her right.

" _You sure?_ " he asked her.

She opened her eyes so she could try and focus on him.

" _Yes._ " She said as clearly as possible in her alcohol induced state. When she saw that he was going to join her, she closed her eyes again and sighed in relief.

He went to fish some of Brian's pajama bottoms out of the closet from where he'd seen them in there previously.

Leaving his t-shirt on, he slipped the pjs on and headed to the living room to grab their forgotten phones. He tried to be as quiet as possible because he thought she had drifted off to sleep while he was looking in her closet.

He got his phone and sent a text to Fin telling him that he was with Olivia and was going to stay the night. Fin instantly responded with " _ **Good. She needs someone with her right now. Keep me posted.**_ "

Then Elliot gathered both phones, and headed back to her bedroom, hooking Olivia's up to the charger on her night stand, and laying his on the night stand next to his side of the bed. He left the small lamp on. It cast a dim light but he didn't know if her PTSD had set in yet. He didn't know if she'd wake up during the night, terrified and trying to figure out where she was, so he opted to leave it on.

" _Under the covers, El…_ " She commented with her eyes still shut. Apparently, she wasn't asleep and could tell he'd settled on top of the comforter.

Elliot swallowed but did as he was told.

Olivia shifted until she was lying next to him with her face pressed into the top of his shoulder. She needed to be able to smell him, to know it was him that was next to her. His smell was so comforting and calming but she wouldn't tell him that. He laid on his back and let her get situated how she wanted.

" _I'm trying real hard not to shut you out…_ " she whispered to him. Elliot turned his head to his left, looking at her and discovering she was staring at him intently.

" _I know…_ " he whispered back.

" _This thing between us, whatever it is, whatever we are… it just got extremely complicated…_ " she told him and he actually let out a small laugh.

His eyes were twinkling as he looked at her. " _We've always been complicated, Liv._ " He commented lightly. It was the truth.

" _Not like this._ " She told him, biting her lip in worry.

" _We'll be fine, Olivia._ " He promised her. " _Nothing is changing between us, I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere._ " He stated strongly. " _We're going to figure out how to get you through this._ " She noticed he was using a lot of 'we' statements tonight.

Olivia remained quiet, her eyes looked like they were getting heavy.

" _Go to sleep,_ " he told her. " _I'll be right here when you wake up._ "

She swallowed hard and finally shut her eyes, snuggling into his shoulder.

As she drifted off, Elliot remained laying on his back, staring at the ceiling. He was consumed with so many thoughts. When she'd made the comment after he'd seen the pregnancy tests, he wanted to hit the wall, to punch a hole in something but that wouldn't do Olivia any good. He needed to remain calm for her.

Finally after an hour or so, Elliot began to drift off to sleep as well.

 **Thoughts?**


	28. Chapter 28

**Thank y'all so much for all the positive reviews! The last chapter was so hard to write, you have no idea how many times I changed it and re-wrote it. Plus, it's hard keeping up with two separate stories. I often feel bad because one will suffer as I work on the other so thank y'all for being patient.**

 **To the guest who asked me not to make Olivia pregnant with Lewis' baby, don't worry, I'm not going there. I'm only adding the pregnancy scare to this story for dramatic effects and because it would have been a realistic concern.**

Olivia had slept straight through most of the night but he knew it was because of the vodka. It's why she had started drinking it in the first place. She hadn't been wasted last night though, so she had moved around in her sleep a bit but not enough to cause Elliot concern that she was having a nightmare.

He was the first one to officially wake up when the morning came. Olivia was on her right side, hugging his left arm tightly, she'd pressed her face into his upper arm again sometime during the night. Elliot decided to remain where he was with his right arm propped behind his head as he stared up at the ceiling. He'd wait for her to wake up.

It was almost an hour before he noticed a shift in her breathing. She was awake now and he knew it, even if her eyes weren't open yet.

They both remained quiet.

Olivia was lost in thought. She was thinkin about the events that had taken place yesterday, about every single detail. It made her yearn for a shower again. Then Olivia thought about how Elliot Stabler was currently occupying her bed, how the covers were bunch around their waists and he was wearing Brian's pajama pants.

She could recall all the events from last night, she hadn't been so drunk that she wouldn't remember.

She hated that she'd left the pregnancy tests out in the open on the counter and scolded herself. She should have known better. Olivia figured she could have at least put them in her bathroom. The brunette didn't need Elliot carrying around her baggage.

" _You wanna talk about it?_ " he asked quietly, surprising her. Olivia should have known he would realize she was already awake and trapped in her own thoughts.

She shifted in bed, letting go of his arm and turning to lay on her back beside him. Olivia winced in pain as she moved. Elliot noticed.

" _You okay?_ " he asked, concerned.

She opened her eyes finally and turned her head to her right to look at him as he stared at her, awaiting her answer.

" _I'm fine._ " She told him, even though they both knew she was far from it.

Her thighs hurt, the muscles surrounding her private area were sore from the unwelcomed intrusion from yesterday's events, and her hips hurt where there were hand print shaped bruises that had finally set into her skin overnight. The fingernail marks were probably red and irritated. She knew she probably needed to put something on them to treat them so they wouldn't get infected. Lewis had drawn blood when he'd clawed into her hips.

" _Is there any way I can convince you to eat something?_ " he asked her tenderly.

Olivia's eyes left his and she set her gaze on the ceiling. He did the same.

" _No._ " she whispered.

" _You want some Advil and water for your hangover?_ " he questioned lightly.

" _Nope._ " She whispered once more. Olivia knew she'd drank too much vodka. She shouldn't have even bought any but after the day that she'd had, Olivia faltered. She'd caved and right now, the hangover was the result of that. She was going to accept her punishment as it came.

Elliot nodded, licking his lips and swallowing hard. He was trying to be supportive, trying to cater to whatever she might need but she wasn't making it easy.

Olivia's phone started ringing from her night stand. She groaned at the sound because it was annoyingly louder than usual and hurt her head in her hangover state.

She slowly rolled to her left reaching for it and unplugging it from the charger. It was an unknown number but she noted that it was 9:23 in the morning. She was surprised it was that late. Olivia was surprised she'd slept that long… it must have been the vodka, like she needed more reasons to drink it.

The brunette huffed as she hit the answer button and then the speaker phone button immediately afterwards, laying it on her chest and leaning back against the pillow, closing her eyes. She didn't really care if Elliot heard whatever conversation she was about to have.

" _Benson,_ " she answered as strongly as possible for the sake of whoever was calling.

" _Olivia, it's Ed Tucker…_ " her eyes shot open. Elliot's ears perked up. Okay, maybe she did care if Elliot heard this conversation but if she took the phone off speaker now, he'd know that. The damage was already done, so she continued on.

" _Ed, what can I do for you?_ " she asked as her eyes stared into the ceiling. She could feel Elliot's muscles tighten up beside her. She knew what he was thinking. He was worried they were going to put her through some sort of trial or try and pin this shooting on her and Fin, along with her televised confession. Olivia hadn't mentioned her conversation with Ed to him.

" _I just wanted to let you know that the board met this morning. The case is officially closed._ " He told her and Olivia let out a breath of relief even though Tucker had already promised her everything would work out.

" _Fin isn't going to have any problems?_ " she asked hesitantly. He'd promised Olivia she wouldn't be on trial. She'd never heard him say anything about Fin.

" _No, no it's justifiable homicide. We've ruled it. Everything's closed, it's done._ " Tucker told her. " _I've sealed the entire case and surrounding investigations. Everything including you, Tutuola, William Lewis… it's all sealed like you asked. No one's getting any of this information without going through me and the brass first._ " He stated confidently.

Elliot eyed her upon hearing that she'd personally requested the case be sealed.

Olivia didn't need to glance over to see the look on Elliot's face. She knew he would be shocked by how accommodating Ed was being, by how understanding it seemed he was.

" _I um… thank you, Ed._ " Olivia wasn't sure why she had taken up using his first name but it seemed more personal to her and she wanted him to know that she was truly thankful. " _You've done… an awful lot for me these past two days… I think this is the quickest you've ever closed a case involving me…_ "

" _Yeah well, don't get used to it Benson…_ " she heard him say but she also heard a small chuckle, so she knew he wasn't being mean or threatening. He was probably trying to keep up his walls, keep up his hard exterior reputation. " _Anyways,_ " Tucker continued, " _I just wanted to let you know you and your team officially have nothing to worry about…_ "

" _Thank you._ " She said once more.

" _If you need anything else from me… don't hesitate to ask, alright?_ "

" _Alright,_ " she responded and with that he hung up, ending the call on her end of the line as well.

It amazed her at how such a monster of a man could turn into someone so simple and understanding in such a short time. Olivia thought he might be getting soft in his old age. He was probably pushing retirement; Ed Tucker had been working his job for a very long time.

" _Wow…_ " Elliot stated in astonishment.

Olivia sighed. " _I know…_ "

" _I've never heard him act like with anyone… ever._ " Elliot commented.

He turned his head again to look at her.

" _Tucker knows you were… sexually assaulted._ " He observed, foregoing the word 'raped'. Elliot never liked the word before, but now it had a new meaning to him. He figured it had a new meaning to Olivia as well and until he could figure out where her head was at, he needed to tread lightly.

She turned her head to her right, looking back at him. Olivia hadn't bothered to move her phone from her chest yet.

" _Yeah… he knows._ " She replied, confirming his suspicions.

" _How?_ " Elliot asked. He knew there was almost no way Tucker could have known. Fin hadn't even known and Olivia had refused a rape kit so Tucker wouldn't have gotten the idea there.

" _I told him…_ " she whispered, turning on her right side and letting her phone fall between them, making it more comfortable to look at Elliot.

Elliot did the same, turning on his left side to look at her and backing away slightly so they weren't in such a close proximity.

" _Really?_ " he asked in surprise. Olivia nodded in confirmation, bringing her right hand to rest under her pillow that was under her head. " _Why?_ " he asked lightly, hoping she knew that he wasn't judging her but curious to know what on Earth had made her confess her assault to Tucker.

" _I needed it on the record. It happened to me, I'm not denying it happened… I just don't want everyone to know, at least not right now. I wanted it on paper, documented in case anything in the future ever came up about it or something happened with a case…_ " Olivia explained lightly. " _He was… actually nice about it._ " She whispered, pausing to remember how he had been the day before.

" _Seriously?_ " Elliot asked in disbelief.

" _Yeah…_ " she replied, biting her lower lip. " _He even knows I beat Lewis when he was still cuffed. I told him the televised confession had been legit…_ " Olivia glanced around the room. It still wasn't something she liked admitting. She wasn't proud of it and she hated admitting it because it meant that she had a dark side, which was something she'd always been afraid of since half of her DNA belonged to a rapist and the other half belonged to a sometimes violent drunk.

" _And you're telling me he's doing nothing about it?_ " he replied.

" _I told him the confession was real and he wrote down that the confession was fake, an attempt to do what Lewis had asked in order to save Amelia… I didn't even have to ask Tucker to do it… he did it on his own…_ " She explained. " _I don't think he knew how to deal with me, with the trauma… he isn't used to handling victims. I was so broken yesterday, I think it scared him…_ " Olivia let the last sentence exit her mouth in a whisper. She was still broken now too.

Elliot thought for a moment, contemplating his next words to her.

" _Would you really have asked Tucker to keep it out of the books?_ " Elliot asked.

" _No… I kind of wanted him to force me into early retirement…._ " She confessed lightly, shutting her eyes as she lay there.

" _You can't give up…_ " he whispered to her.

" _There's four containers full of vodka in the fridge that say otherwise…_ " she whispered back. She wished she could blame her raw honesty on being sleepy since her eyes were closed but she wasn't the slightest bit sleepy.

Olivia had only closed her eyes because she couldn't bear to look at Elliot anymore during this conversation.

She felt the bed shift as Elliot made himself more comfortable, laying on his back again.

" _I told you before and I'll tell you again, Liv._ " He stated and her ears perked up to listen. " _I'm not letting you take Serena's path. Not now, not ever… you wanna drink? Fine. But in moderation with time in between so you don't develop a dependency. You've been through hell… literally._ " He told her. Olivia kept her eyes closed and took a deep breath at his words and how supportive he sounded.

She was broken, completely. She was pretty sure she wouldn't come back from this but it was pretty clear that he thought otherwise.

Olivia had decided not to respond and Elliot realized that the conversation about vodka was at an end. He wasn't really sure if Olivia cared if she developed into an alcoholic now. She had mentioned early retirement, it didn't sound like she had much of a plan to come back from this, like she didn't care what happened to her now, but he did.

" _So… Only me and Tucker know?_ "

Her eyes had remained shut but he could still tell she was awake.

" _No…_ " she replied lightly. " _Amanda knows but not by my choice. She's sneaky, she peeked in my grocery bag and saw the pregnancy tests…_ "

" _Hmm…_ " Elliot responded, not really knowing what to say. He didn't know the blonde that well and had only met her at the court house. Olivia had only fed him small pieces of information about the younger woman so he didn't really have much to go on.

" _It hit her hard… harder than I expected it to._ " Olivia told him, eyes still shut but she shifted her face on the pillow to get comfier. " _I don't remember if I told you but she's a gambler. It's her addiction but Fin has been helping her out._ "

" _That's gotta be tough._ " Elliot commented.

" _It gets better…_ " Olivia told him sarcastically. " _I think she's trying to fuck Tucker._ "

Elliot let out a laugh from being caught off guard.

" _What?!_ " he asked and Olivia opened her eyes to see his smile, giving him a light smile back.

" _I'm serious._ " She told him. " _I caught them flirting back and forth at the hospital in the hallway… I told her it's a bad idea. She said it wasn't going to happen but I'm not sure I believe her…_ "

" _I thought she was fucking your partner?_ " he asked. It still slightly hurt both of them when they mentioned Olivia's partner and it wasn't in reference to Elliot.

" _Yeah well, he tried to get back with his wife but I think he pissed her off even more. They're going through an official divorce now… it's complicated…_." Olivia told him with a huff.

Elliot laughed again. There was more drama and gossip happening at the one-six than when he was there. He felt like he was hearing the latest episode of some weird reality show. It was amusing.

Olivia closed her eyes again, taking in the silence. She enjoyed the silence. There were no screams from Amelia, no table squeaking because a pelvis was being thrust against it. There were the occasional sirens from outside her window and she hated it but there wasn't much she could do about it.

Elliot couldn't believe they'd been lying awake in bed for nearly over an hour. Olivia was never a woman to lay in bed or lay around in general. He'd known this about her when they had worked together. On her days off, she liked to go to a museum, park, or sometimes a yoga class. She enjoyed being outdoors. That was all before her assaults though. Now, she was a bed person. A person who didn't want to go out anymore.

Olivia had almost gotten back to the person she used to be before Lewis took her the first time. It had taken her months and months. There had been bumps in the road, potholes but she'd almost gotten her happiness back, her joy. And now this. Now she was hurt even worse than before.

" _Elliot,_ " she called to him quietly, keeping her eyes shut. He turned to look at her and noticed she'd been silently crying. For how long, he wasn't sure but it must have started within the past couple of minutes because before that, he'd been glancing at her regularly.

She had felt the bed shift again, she knew he was looking at her and she kept her eyes closed tight as she sniffled.

" _I'm not coming back from this…_ " she whispered to him.

" _You are._ " He disagreed with her lightly.

" _I'm not,_ " she countered. " _And I don't want you to feel bad, to feel like you could have done something more to help me when I finally crash and burn…_ "

His heart hurt as he watched her tears make their way down her face.

He licked his lips and tried to decide what to say next.

" _No one's burning here,_ " he promised her. " _Yeah, you might crash, might have some bumps in the road but…_ " he trailed off.

" _I don't know how to say what I feel, how to explain what he did to me…_ " she told him.

" _Look at me,_ " he requested strongly.

" _No._ " was her sharp answer. Looking at him in the eye during their conversation last night had been a lot easier because she had been in a vodka induced state. Now it was much harder.

" _Please?_ " he asked and her eyes opened slowly. It was mostly because he had almost begged, she could hear the sadness in his voice and it her hurt to know that she was causing him pain.

Once he had her attention, her eyes on his, he continued.

" _You are going to go back to therapy. You're going to learn how to talk about this stuff just like you did the first time it happened…_ "

" _That was different, El…_ " she told him. " _I'm not ready to admit to Lindstrom what happened this time._ " She told him and he heard the shame and guilt in her voice. He knew she felt guilty because she willingly went to find Lewis, knowing what he'd wanted from her.

" _I'll be here either way._ "

" _You shouldn't be._ " She commented in a whisper, reaching behind her on the night stand to grab a tissue then returning to her same position. Olivia gently wiped her face off and lightly blew her nose that had now started running.

He gave her a slightly annoyed look that was also filled with care and concern. Why couldn't she ever let anyone take care of her or care for her?

" _Let me decide that, alright?_ " he asked her.

Olivia chose to ignore his comment. She didn't want to get on the topic of 'them' again.

" _I'm on mandatory leave for a month._ " She told him.

" _I figured you'd be on leave for at least a bit… it'd be longer if they knew what happened to you._ " He said, eyeing her. He knew it was dangerous to go back to the job too soon after a trauma like she had experienced. PTSD could cause her to accidentally shoot someone or to get shot. They both knew that.

" _Don't worry,_ " Olivia told him. " _I'm gonna call and arrange a longer leave._ "

" _You think brass will give it to you?_ " he wondered out loud.

" _No, but Tucker will._ " She commented. " _He'll show them my case file and they'll understand._ "

Elliot nodded, realizing she was right. He was still thrown off at how great Tucker was all of the sudden. That man had tried to put Elliot and Olivia in jail many times and now he was doing everything he could to keep her out of jail. Tucker could have easily taken Olivia's confession of beating Lewis and made her go on trial in front of a grand jury.

" _How long are you thinking?_ " he asked.

" _Indefinitely…_ " she told him quietly.

" _You're serious about not going back?_ " Elliot questioned.

" _I'm seriously considering it, yeah…_ " she replied, sniffling again. " _After what Lewis did to me yesterday… I… I don't want to put my gun or my shield on again._ " Olivia confessed.

" _Liv…_ " he said gently, giving her a caring look.

She shook her head and used the tissue to wipe her face again.

Olivia knew she would begin to have good moments and bad ones like she'd just had now. One minute they had been talking about Tucker and then the next she'd been in tears. She wished she could control herself.

The brunette knew the life of a sexual assault victim very well. There would be times where she could laugh and it'd be like the rape wasn't on her mind, and then there'd be days where it was the only thing she'd be able to think about. She would have flashbacks and triggers, they would be worse and stronger than before. She'd need more therapy, way more. Sex was definitely off the table. If she stayed in her apartment, it'd create a bad vibe and she'd have memories here that she didn't want in her home. She didn't want to flat out die, but she didn't want to be here either.

The trauma of her almost committing suicide twice was haunting her. It was terrifying. That was another level of trauma within itself. She knew she'd have night terrors about it and about the rape once she finally would try to go to sleep sober, which is partially why she'd stocked up on vodka.

" _I don't know how to tell Fin._ " She said suddenly.

" _You'll figure it out, he already suspects something's up…_ " Elliot told her.

Olivia huffed. She was conflicted about telling Fin. He was one of her closest friends, she wanted him to know, she needed him to know. He could help her and be there for her like he was the first time around.

" _I need to ask you something and I don't want you to get mad at me._ " Elliot stated, looking at her intently.

" _Alright,_ " she agreed, though she couldn't actually promise him she wouldn't get angry.

" _Do I need to check you into a facility?_ " He asked lightly and her eyes went wide. Was he seriously thinking about having her committed? He seemed to pick up on her line of thinking though, and immediately redefined his question. " _What I'm asking is, was there any meth yesterday? Did Lewis force meth in you? Do I need to get you to a detox place?_ "

Olivia realized where his line of questioning was coming from. He'd remembered she'd spent so long in the hospital the previous time Lewis had her because she'd been pumped full of meth, so much that her body had already craved it and she'd needed detoxing. Even if someone is clean of drugs for a period of time, all it takes is one hit to knock their body back into the addiction and craving. William Lewis was famous for the drugs and booze. She could understand why Elliot would have questioned it. For all he knew, Lewis had pumped her full of meth. She'd spend almost twenty-four hours with him. The shock and adrenalin would have disguised her high at the hospital and they weren't testing her blood for meth but for other things.

" _Oh…_ " Olivia stated. " _No, no. He didn't give me any drugs or alcohol… he forced Amelia down some vodka but he didn't give me anything._ " She told Elliot honestly. " _He… he said he wanted me to feel everything, to remember it all…_ " she swallowed hard as she remembered Lewis' words.

Elliot visibly paled at her admission. " _We're gonna figure this out._ " he stated, trying to provide comfort to her as much as he could.

" _We?_ " she asked, cocking her eyebrow.

Elliot huffed in frustration.

" _Yeah,_ " he told her. " _We._ "

She waited for him to explain more.

" _Look,_ " he told her lightly. " _I'm not saying you need a sitter but you've just been… you were…_ "

" _Raped._ " she whispered for him. She was getting better at saying it, at admitting it, but he couldn't bring himself to say it and she didn't blame him. She was still getting used to the word herself.

Elliot closed his eyes tightly, took a big breath and opened them, continuing.

" _You don't need to be left alone right now… I don't have to be by your side every waking minute, but I'd like to be in your proximity… me or Fin._ " He stated lightly, hoping she wouldn't get mad. " _You don't seem to care much about yourself right now or about the consequences of the vodka… and I'm not judging. I swear I'm not, I get it but I care and that's not changing, it's not, Liv._ " He promised her and he noticed that her eyes were shining with fresh tears.

" _I'm gonna keep you straight. Fin will help. Hell, Tucker sounds like he's doing his best to keep you afloat on the force…_ " he smiled as he tried to joke with her lightly.

Olivia remained quiet, taking in his words. She didn't know what to say, so she didn't say anything.

" _Don't you have to work?_ " She asked finally after she'd thought of something to say, changing the subject for them.

" _I finished up my last active case yesterday afternoon. I'm not taking on any new ones right now._ " He told her and she knew it was because of her. Elliot was taking a break off of work because of her.

She nodded in understanding, deciding not to argue with him.

Olivia sat up slowly, wincing again. It was going to hurt to walk, especially since her hip muscles hurt.

Elliot saw her wince and hoped to God it wasn't because the area between her legs was that extremely sore, but he was wrong, those muscles were sore, but that was nothing compared to her hips.

" _I'm going to go shower._ " She announced to him, turning to her left and attempting to get out of bed.

Elliot looked at her worriedly. " _Do you need some help getting there?_ " he asked her.

" _No._ " she told him strongly as she went to stand. It hurt, but she could walk. Slowly, she made her way to the dresser, leaning forward and scooping out clothes from her messy drawers.

He was watching her and she knew it.

" _I'm fine._ " She told him, casting him a warning glance. He put his hands up in surrender and leaned back to stare at the ceiling.

She finally made her way to the bathroom door and stopped, turning back to look at him. Elliot was still staring at the ceiling but she knew he had her in his peripheral vision.

Olivia shook her head at his over protectiveness and entered the bathroom.


	29. Chapter 29

**I know it's been forever, I'm sorry. A lot of things happened and I've been swamped. Please forgive me.**

Olivia had showered until the water turned cold. It was becoming a habit of hers, and it was a habit that she didn't intend on breaking. This was the first official day post-rape and it was difficult.

Day one consisted of her mostly refusing to eat and showering two times too many.

Elliot didn't bring up the assault, not on day one. Neither did she.

" _You want some eggs?_ " He'd tried after her second shower. It was in the late afternoon now. Night would fall soon.

" _No…_ " She'd replied quietly. Olivia was back in bed after the shower. Her wet hair was wrapped in a towel so it didn't soak the pillow. She'd put on another one of Elliot's shirts but this time it was an old t-shirt.

It hadn't been lost on him, he'd recognized it instantly but chose not to comment on it. He didn't want her self-conscious about wearing his clothing, especially if it was comforting to her. It did however, make him wonder how many articles of clothing she'd stolen of his over the years.

Elliot had stayed at her apartment many times when they were partners. Sometimes it was because he had a fight with Kathy and he'd taken Olivia's couch. Other times, it was because they were working on a case, going over files or either he needed a decent few hours of sleep and her apartment was much closer than his house and her couch was comfier than the cribs at the one-six.

He'd gotten so comfortable with staying at her apartment over the years that he'd eventually left a bag of clothes there just in case. They never truly knew when a bad case would come up or if something was going to happen. He'd known then that if he lived closer, he'd do the same for her.

So, over their many years as partners, she'd had more than enough opportunities to steal his clothing. It made him wonder when she first had feelings for him and how long she'd been wearing his shirts. Did she wear them after tough cases when he wasn't there? Had she had feelings before him and kept them to herself because he was married? Probably. That seemed like the kind of woman she was. She would have never broken apart his marriage. She would have let herself suffer for years as long as it meant he and Kathy were happy and together with their kids. She would have never done anything to jeopardize his home life. He knew this for a fact because his home life was exactly the life she had dreamed of as a girl and as an adult.

Olivia would have given anything to have grown up in a loving household like that, and she'd also give anything to have a happy family like that as an adult. It's one of the things she craved in life. She'd revealed this to him when she'd found Simon and Elliot had followed her out of instinct. He hadn't been sure what she was doing at the time but he felt the need to protect her.

Elliot was curious which one of them had developed feelings first but there was no way to tell since they had waited so long to confirm it. Either way, that was a conversation for another day.

" _I'm going to make you something. It's gonna be eggs, toast, or oatmeal. Something light for your stomach. You gotta eat, Liv…_ " He told her sternly as she laid in bed with the covers up to her waist.

" _You pick one or I'm fixing you all three…_ " he told her, trying to give her a choice in the matter.

Olivia huffed and rolled her eyes. " _Oatmeal…_ " she whispered as she removed the towel from her head, throwing it on the floor and rolled over onto her right side away from him, curling up.

" _Okay, oatmeal it is._ " He told her lightly, then left her bed room, heading for the kitchen.

Olivia heard her phone vibrate on her side table and she rolled over to grab it before resuming her position. She'd been ignoring it all day. She didn't want to talk to anyone and her squad probably knew by now that Elliot was staying with her. If there was an emergency, they would call him, she was sure of it.

She only had one missed call and it was from Fin. She was avoiding him. Olivia had heard her phone vibrate earlier in the day, she'd seen it was Fin and had declined the call. There was no voice mail but a few texts.

" _ **I'm worried about you.**_ "

" _ **Please call me.**_ "

" _ **I love you, baby girl.**_ "

They had all come from various times earlier in the day. She decided to send him a reply. She didn't want him to think she was giving him the cold shoulder.

" _ **I love you too, Odafin**_." she typed and hit send. She knew he'd take it more to heart if she used his full name. She was in pain, physically and mentally. She didn't want to shut him out but this was hard for her. He'd been her rock through a lot of things. She didn't know if she could face him and tell him what Lewis had done.

There were no texts from Nick. He probably knew to leave her alone.

She was happy she hadn't received any calls or messages from Cragen or Munch. She was praying they hadn't heard what happened. Maybe they never would.

Her phone had originally vibrated moments ago because there was a text from Amanda.

" _ **Just wanted to check on you.**_ " She read Amanda's text.

Olivia decided to reply to the blonde. There wasn't much tension there. The cat was already out of the bag.

" _ **I'm alright. Thanks for checking.**_ " Olivia typed back.

" _ **You sure?**_ " came Amanda's instant reply.

" _ **Yeah… Elliot's here with me. I'm fine.**_ " Olivia replied and sent. " _ **Thanks for not telling Fin.**_ " She added quickly.

" _ **Of course.**_ " Amanda replied and Olivia left it at that.

Olivia could hear Elliot doing things in the kitchen. It wouldn't take him long to make the oatmeal. She knew he'd be in soon.

She pulled the covers up over her head, leaning down and taking in the scent of Elliot's shirt that she was wearing. It was a bit big on her but that's how she liked it.

Pretty soon, she heard a light knock on her door.

" _Liv, oatmeal's ready…_ " he called gently as she stuck her head out from under the covers.

She pulled herself up, careful of her thighs that were still sore. Sitting up, she took the bowl from him and he walked around the bed, sitting on what had become 'his side' of the bed for now.

" _Have you talked to Fin any today?_ " she asked him as she put a spoon full of oatmeal in her mouth.

" _Yeah, he called._ " Elliot replied.

She turned her head to the right after she swallowed. " _What did he say?_ "

" _He's worried about you, you know that. He knows something happened to you…_ " Elliot told her lightly.

She didn't reply and just nodded her head.

Olivia ate at least half of the oatmeal then she was done. She put the bowl on her night stand and grabbed the bottle of water that had been sitting there. She hadn't had any vodka today. That didn't mean she didn't want it though but she was listening to Elliot, taking it day by day.

" _How you feeling?_ " Elliot asked, looking to her.

She swallowed hard, cutting her eyes to him.

" _Empty…_ " she whispered in truth. She did feel empty. Olivia felt like William Lewis took everything from her. He took her power, her dignity, her sex life, everything. She was lost.

Elliot nodded in understanding, accepting her answer.

" _You haven't had any flashbacks?_ " he asked with concern, hoping she hadn't had one while he was in another room at some point that day.

" _No… not yet._ " She knew they were coming though, they both knew it.

He gave her a thin smile instead of replying to her.

Olivia reached down and absent mindedly scratched an itch that she had on her hip. Then she picked her phone back up and started looking through it. She was surfing the web looking for information that had been put out about her and Lewis. It wouldn't hurt to know what everyone was saying.

" _Liv… you're bleeding…_ " Elliot told her, pointing to her hip that she had scratched moments before.

" _Oh, fuck…_ " Olivia whispered. She must have scratched one of the claw marks that Lewis had left.

Throwing her phone on the bed beside her, she reached over to grab the napkin that Elliot had brought in with her oatmeal and opened her sweat pants, sticking the napkin inside. Olivia knew she'd need to take the pants off and put them in the wash if she didn't want them to stain.

" _Did you really just scratch yourself so hard that you made yourself bleed without paying attention?_ " Elliot asked cautiously. His face was full of worry.

Olivia took a deep breath and closed her eyes tightly.

" _I'll show you if you promise not to punch one of my walls…_ " She told him as she opened her eyes back up. Olivia knew him all too well. She knew his temper and his limits. She knew how he was with her.

Hearing her say this only made Elliot worry more.

" _Show me…_ " he practically begged her.

Olivia stood up slowly, getting off the bed and into a standing position.

She took another deep breath as made sure her underwear that she had decided to put on was pulled up. Then she pulled down her sweat pants slightly, exposing her hip. It was very obvious that the bruise was in the shape of a handprint, a hand that had held onto her tightly from behind. There were four fingernail impressions with dried blood. She'd washed most of the blood off in the shower but because she would stay in the shower for so long, the heat and hot water would open the wounds back up. Then there was the one fingernail imprint that was currently bloody.

Olivia looked to Elliot, trying to gage his reaction.

" _Jesus, fuck…_ " he whispered as he got up from the opposite side of the bed.

His face was beginning to turn a tint of pink and Olivia noticed.

" _Don't you dare put a hole in one of my walls, Elliot…_ " she warned him but he had begun walking towards her until he finally stood in front of her.

He was looking down at her hip, assessing the damage.

" _Elliot?_ " She whispered to him. She was worried now. Olivia had expected an outburst of rage.

" _It's like this on the other hip too?_ " he asked, still not looking up at her.

" _Yeah…_ " she replied.

He let out a ragged breath, putting his hand out to touch her hip, but drawing it back before he made actual contact with her skin. He knew better than to touch a rape victim in intimate areas without warning.

" _El…_ " she called to him but he stayed still. " _I need you to look at me…_ "

Finally, he gazed up at her and she saw tears in his eyes.

" _Oh, God…_ " She whispered. She wasn't prepared for this. Olivia hadn't seen him cry in a very long time and now he was on the verge of openly crying in front of her.

" _I… Can I hug you? I need to hug you…_ " He whispered in his saddened, shocked state.

" _Yeah, yeah… Come here…_ " She answered strongly as she automatically went in for a hug.

Olivia wrapped him up in her arms. He held onto her tight, like he might lose her. Mostly because he still could lose her, she hadn't come out of the other side of her attack yet. They were still in the gray area as far as her recovery went.

Olivia rubbed his back in comfort. She must have her hooks in him pretty deep for him to get emotional like this because this was not the Elliot Stabler that she knew. They had seen tough cases before, cases involving children that had been raped and murdered and he still hadn't shed a tear. He'd gone home to see his kids and fuck Kathy, but he never cried to her knowledge. She had been the one who was sent home because she'd lost it at the scene.

Seeing him so sad and emotional made her eyes water too. It hurt her that he was hurting. And she was the reason for his current pain.

He rested his chin on top of her shoulder, still not willing to let her go just yet.

Olivia wanted to tell him she was fine. She wanted to promise him that she had survived and she would be okay, that they would be okay. But when she opened her mouth to tell him these things, nothing came out. She didn't actually believe she would be okay and her body wasn't going to let her lie to him.

So instead, she rested her forehead on his shoulder and they stood there holding each other for what seemed like forever but was probably only a few minutes.

When they pulled back, she saw that he had been able to keep his tears at bay, just as she had.

" _I'm supposed to be the one who's upset and emotional… not you…_ " she joked.

He cleared his throat and looked at her.

" _Yeah well… turns out I'm not always as strong as I look…_ " he said, giving her a sad smile.

" _That's alright, you're human. A lot of shit happened to me…_ " Olivia told him, giving him a reassuring smile.

" _What else happened to you, Liv?_ " He asked gingerly, looking into her eyes.

Olivia shook her head. " _Not now… I can't right now…_ " she told him. " _I'm not ready…_ " she explained, giving him an apologetic look.

" _That's okay. This was a big step. This is why your hips have been sore… why you've been walking slowly…_ " He put the pieces of the puzzle together.

" _You thought I was having trouble getting around because of?_ " She asked him questioningly.

Elliot shrugged. " _We've seen plenty of women who needed stitches, who'd been… torn and in pain…_ " he almost winced when the words came out of his mouth. He was aware he was talking about Olivia.

" _No…_ " She whispered, glancing around the room. " _I would have clarified sooner if I knew that's what you've been thinking…_ " she said running a hand through her hair, her voice getting stronger again. " _I'm not injured down… there._ " She responded, biting her lower lip while trying to figure out how to talk to him about this. Elliot was looking at her with intent. Listening to her every word.

" _I'm sore… my muscles there are sore but there was no tearing, no bleeding…_ " she stated, trying to make it as least awkward for both of them as possible.

" _I just… I wasn't sure… You declined the rape kit so I know no one checked you out in that sense… I'm just… I'm scared, Olivia._ " He confessed, running his hand over the back of his head and sitting down on the bed. Olivia sat down on his left, joining him.

" _What are you afraid of?_ " She asked him.

He looked hesitant.

" _Right now, I'm in a decent place._ " She told him. " _I'm okay in this moment but we both know how this goes. Five minutes from now I could be crying and screaming on the bathroom floor… it's all touch and go._ " It was true. They knew better than anyone how mood swings were with victims, especially when PTSD set in. " _Talk to me now… Tell me what's going on in your head while I'm able to hear it and understand it…_ " she asked him.

" _You can come back from this, Liv. I know you can._ " He told her and he turned his head to his left, making eye contact with her. " _But you gotta tackle this the right way. Healing begins when someone bears witness, you know that…_ " he was using his victim voice on her, she'd know it anywhere.

" _You gotta tell people, you gotta talk to your shrink…_ " he told her.

" _You're scared for me, I get it and I appreciate it but I've told people and I will tell Fin in time. I'll go back to therapy. I just… I need to do it at my pace or it's not going to work well…_ " she promised him.

Elliot reached over and grabbed her hand.

" _I'll always be here to catch you when you fall._ " He stated more seriously. Olivia could tell instantly she didn't like where this was going. She hated talking about 'them'. Too much was happening for there to even be a 'them' and now she felt he deserved better, better than what she'd become.

" _Don't go there…_ " she warned him with cautious eyes. " _Don't do that…_ "

" _Do what?_ " He asked, with a small smirk. He knew damn well what he was doing.

" _Me being… attacked…_ " she left out the word 'raped' on purpose, " _may scare you, but you know the thought of 'us' scares me… I can't go there right now._ "

" _I know…_ " he promised her, squeezing her hand.

" _I'm here as a friend right now, but I want you to know that as your friend, and as whatever else I may become to you in the future… I'll be here. I'm a constant in your life, I need you to know that. You've got back up, I've got your six…_ "

Olivia let out a breath and looked at the carpet beneath her feet. He was saying a lot of things to her, things that reflected stuff you'd say if you were in a relationship.

She nodded her head, accepting his statement but declined to speak.

Elliot sensed that she didn't want to talk about them anymore.

" _Come on,_ " he gestured at her to stand up with him. " _We need to put some Neosporin and band aids on those marks… you're getting blood on my shirt…_ " he joked with her.

" _You mean my shirt._ " She replied instantly.

" _It's only yours because you stole it, Benson._ " He stated while rolling his eyes, walking into her bathroom to search for the items they needed. She smiled as she followed him.

Olivia knew she'd have bad days, dark days where she'd hate the world and she'd probably want to crawl under a rock and die but in this particular moment in time, she was so fucking happy to have Elliot Stabler by her side.

 **Thoughts?**

 **Suggestions for future chapters are welcome.**


	30. Chapter 30

**THANK YOU for all the reviews and feedback. I love it all.**

 **Sorry for the long wait.**

 **Trigger warning. She talks about Lewis stuff.**

Day two was slightly difficult for Olivia. It consisted of more showers and more not wanting to eat. Elliot made her food anyways. She ate bits and pieces. There were no texts from anyone but that's the way she preferred it.

She was steadily running out of Neosporin and band aids since the ones on her hips needed to be changed every time she showered, which was more frequently than not. Olivia didn't think she'd ever get enough showers.

There was also no consumption of vodka, which she counted as a personal accomplishment. Still, when she wasn't taking a shower, she was lying in bed listening to the sounds of the city. She almost wished she had a TV in her room but that would probably make her more prone to staying there.

A few times, Elliot had joined her. He knew she was laying in bed tortured by her thoughts, so he'd began telling her stories of his kids. Some were recent stories of Eli and his funny habits, others were from after he'd left the one-six during the time that he had been able to be a full-time stay-at-home dad before he and Kathy had started divorce proceedings.

Olivia loved hearing about his children, even if most of them weren't really children anymore. She'd always loved hearing about his family. Elliot had even gotten Maureen to bring him some things from his apartment. He hadn't wanted to leave Olivia alone. When Maureen had arrived, he'd told her Olivia was sleeping, which was true. The girl was worried about Olivia and asked how she was doing.

All Elliot told his daughter was that Olivia had been injured on the job when the whole Lewis ordeal happened and that the doctors said she needed someone to stay with her for a few days. Maureen had opted not to ask why he was the one who was staying with the brunette but she had been curious.

Day three was tough for her. It was the day she had her first flashback. She'd had them before of course. She'd had flashbacks after Sealview, she'd also had flashbacks from Lewis' first attack but now, she had flashbacks from her rape.

It had hit her out of nowhere.

She had finally ventured out of her room and into the kitchen. She wasn't hungry but the doctor had told her even though she was supposed to be resting, she needed to walk daily in order to not get blood clots in her legs.

At first, Olivia had said fuck it. She wasn't going to walk, but on day two, she felt significantly weaker. Apparently, walking back and forth from the bathroom wasn't enough exercise to keep her legs working properly so on day three, she had decided to venture around the apartment. Not like it was that big anyways but it was better than lying in bed all day.

Elliot had been sitting on the couch watching some TV show with tools and men trying to build things. She rolled her eyes instantly when she saw it. He was such a typical man.

He'd been in the living room because he was trying to give her space. He didn't want to smother her, so he'd left her alone in the bedroom that morning.

His face lit up when he saw her though. Elliot was so happy she'd decided to come out of her room. He thought it was progress.

" _Hey…_ " He said to her gently.

She smiled back at him. She was wearing a pair of yoga pants and one of her own shirts finally.

" _You hungry?_ " he asked her.

Olivia huffed. He knew the answer to that already….

" _Alright,_ " he said, throwing his hands up in surrender. He wasn't going to push her.

She walked around the couch to join him.

" _Kathleen's been texting me, checking on you…_ " he told her, trying to make conversation.

" _That's nice of her._ " She stated. She knew he'd never tell Kathleen any details of her attack so she wasn't particularly worried.

" _Kathy's been checking up on you too…_ " He said, looking at her pointedly. Olivia snorted with laughter. " _You think you can be a bit less buddy-buddy with my ex?_ " he asked her with an unimpressed look.

" _What?_ " She asked humorously. " _You worried Kathy and I are gonna get together and gossip about you over drinks?_ " Olivia stated.

Elliot rolled his eyes. " _I know you're joking… but I wouldn't put it past the two of you…_ "

" _Relax, El…_ " she told him calmly, even though she was still smiling. " _Kathy and I are acquaintances at best._ "

A beat of silence passed between them.

" _She was glad you were okay… asked if there was anything she could do, if you needed any more ointment…_ " Elliot told her and all of the sudden the conversation got heavy.

Olivia swallowed.

" _What did you tell her?_ " she asked him, instantly fearing the worst.

" _I told her if you needed more ointment, I'd let her know. And… I asked her to put on a brave face for Kathleen…_ " He stated, glancing around the room before looking back at Olivia. Elliot turned his body to his right, towards Olivia so he could continue their conversation.

" _Elliot…_ " Olivia said in a warning tone.

" _We were together for over twenty years, Liv… she can tell when I'm lying… she knew something was wrong…_ " he explained with an apologetic expression.

" _So you just flat out told her that I was… that I was…_ " she couldn't even say it. Her heart was speeding up fast.

" _No!_ " He said immediately, stopping her train of thought. " _No, God no… I'd never betray you like that… this is your story to tell, not mine…_ " Elliot told her and her heart rate began to slow. " _She knows something happened to you and that you're not okay but that's all. I told her what I'd told Kathleen and she agreed to go along with it for your sake and Kathleen's…_ " They were really putting on a show for all of his kids' sake, it was just that Kathleen was the closest to Olivia. It would hit her the hardest.

Olivia took a deep breath. That was very big of Kathy. She didn't need to do that for Olivia but she had. Olivia was starting to like the woman more and more. It's not like she hated her before. Truth be told, Olivia had always liked Kathy, but she'd also fallen for the woman's husband.

" _Kathy's been pretty amazing…_ " Olivia stated, giving him a look.

" _What? Now you're falling for my ex-wife?_ " Elliot stated and she hit him lightly on his arm.

It felt good to joke about things. It took her mind off the assault.

" _I'm going to make some tea…_ " she told him. It had always calmed her and made her feel nice. " _You want any?_ " she asked him, even though she already knew his answer.

" _You gonna put those little flower things in it?_ " he asked.

Ever since she'd come back from Oregon, she'd had a thing for this specific tea. It was herbal tea and you could only buy it at a certain store, which had soon become a store that she frequented over time. The tea came with dried flowers to put in it if the person making it wished to do so, but they weren't necessary. Olivia liked the flowers though. They gave her a peaceful feeling.

Olivia rolled her eyes at his question.

" _Duh,_ " she replied.

" _Nah, I'm good…_ " he answered. She knew he'd turn down the tea offer anyways, flowers or no flowers.

Olivia got up from the couch and started towards the kitchen. She wasn't paying attention to the construction show on TV that Elliot was watching but the men were working on building a table. They were showing how you had to put it together correctly and precisely or else it would come apart or not be stable, moving around and squeaking.

One of the construction men had put together a table the wrong way in order to show viewers what not to do and how the table should not look. The worker moved the table back and forth, showing how wobbly it was and letting the viewers hear the squeaking sound it made. As soon as the sound hit her ears, Olivia was sent into a flashback.

Olivia's back hit the wall hard, as if she'd literally been thrown off her game.

Elliot noticed immediately. At first, he was worried that she'd gotten dizzy from not eating much that day but as soon as he saw the look on her face, he knew what was happening. He'd seen it happen with victims before.

He was on his feet immediately. He paused the TV with her remote for the DVR, not because he knew what had caused her flashback, but because he knew back ground sounds wouldn't help her focus and come back from the flashback.

Elliot rushed over to her, careful not to touch her.

Tears were already forming in her eyes and her face contorted.

" _No…_ " Olivia whimpered as she slid down the wall and onto the floor. Elliot joined her.

" _Liv, you're in a flashback…_ " He stated calmly, squatting on the floor in front of her but it was like she was looking straight through him.

She grabbed at the wall behind herself, like she was trying to fight it off.

" _Stop… please…_ " she whispered.

Hearing this absolutely killed Elliot. His heart hurt for her.

" _Olivia, it's Elliot… You're having a flashback…_ " He tried again. " _You're at home, feel the carpet underneath your feet…_ " he told her, using his training techniques on her, something that he had hoped he would never have to do.

Olivia slammed her eyes shut and tilted her head down, her hair cascading around her face.

" _God, no…_." she whispered.

" _Olivia, I'm here… It's Elliot and I'm here…_ " He kept trying and he wasn't going to stop until she was back with him.

She balled her fists up against the wall behind her.

" _Elliot?_ " she whimpered. It seemed that she could hear him now.

" _Yes, focus on my voice, Liv. It's Elliot. You're here with me, you're in a flashback._ " He told her calmly.

" _Lewis… he's…_ "

" _No. He's not here Olivia… It's just me and you…_ " he promised her.

Olivia raised her head. Her eyes were open and she gazed at him.

" _Elliot…_ " She said his name once more. Olivia was finally coming out of her flashback.

" _Hey…_ " he whispered to her, finally making eye contact.

She sniffled and removed her hands from the wall behind her.

" _Oh God, Elliot…_ " she said as she collapsed into sobs. Elliot swallowed hard. He knew he couldn't reach out to her without her consent.

Luckily, she also knew this, being trained as a victim advocate as well. So, she reached forward, grasping his wrist and pulled him in her direction. She wanted him now and this was her way of telling him as much.

Elliot wrapped her in his arms as she cried into his chest. Her hands balled into fists, grasping at the front of his shirt like she was holding on for dear life.

She hated this, she desperately hated every bit of it. She hated being vulnerable. She hated breaking in front of him, she wanted to be strong but this was the very thing that broke her. She'd already told him she was broken and she had meant it.

His arms tightened around her as she cried. This had been the worst flashback that she'd ever had.

" _I've got you, Liv…_ " he whispered to her as he rocked her back and forth. They were both on the floor and for the most part she was sitting in his lap.

" _I've got you, I swear… you're gonna be okay…_ " he told her. He had one hand on the back of her head and one on her back.

" _You're alright… everything is gonna be fine…_ " Elliot continued to comfort her until her cries died down.

Minutes later, she'd stopped crying but had remained in his arms. Now she was sniffling and her eyes were closed but she was very much awake. Elliot rested his chin on top of her head.

Olivia had never let him hold her like this. It was new for them and even though it had never happened before, it was now something that she craved.

He wasn't going to make her move until she wanted to. He'd sit on the floor with her all day if he needed to, but after a little while, she finally pulled back, wiping her eyes and face, ridding herself of the left over tears.

She scooted away from him and put her back against the wall.

" _What can I do?_ " he asked.

" _Um… is your cologne in your bag?_ " She asked, looking over at him.

" _Yeah… I think Maureen packed it._ " He told her.

Olivia nodded her head. " _Good… spray it. Everywhere. On me, on you, everywhere…_ " She told him. She was embarrassed and ashamed for asking him to do this but she needed it. The flashback had fucked up her senses. She could smell Lewis. He was everywhere and all over her.

Elliot had immediately gotten up and fetched it. He walked around the apartment for a couple of minutes spraying the cologne. He sprayed it in the bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, living room. Even the hallway closet and guest bedroom that still wasn't set up yet.

Then he doused himself in it and sat back down beside Olivia, who had stayed in the same spot on the floor the entire time.

" _Spray it on me,_ " she requested, turning her head to the side so it wouldn't get in her face. Elliot did as he was told. The apartment smelled strong but as long as it kept Olivia grounded, he didn't mind.

" _Thanks,_ " Olivia told him after he'd finished and put the cap back on.

She tried to stand up. Her legs were wobbly but she managed. Elliot reached out a hand, offering it to her.

" _No…_ " she told him. " _I'm fine…_ " and just like that she'd slipped back into her protective shell.

He nodded in understanding even though he knew she was nowhere close to being fine.

Olivia headed for the fridge, taking out one of the bottles of vodka. There were four still in the fridge and she hadn't had any in over two days which was long enough for her to not develop a dependency now if she drank one, which is exactly what she planned on doing.

Bottle in hand, she headed to her bedroom. She knew Elliot was watching her and she could care less.

Elliot huffed. It was going to be a long day. It was only around noon if not, after.

He walked into her bedroom just in time to see her chugging the bottle. His throat burned for her. He had no idea how she could chug vodka and he knew it was definitely not a good thing.

" _Slow down,_ " he told her lightly.

Olivia stopped drinking at his command and got in her bed. She sat cross legged and pulled the sheets over her legs.

He walked around and sat on what was currently his side of the bed. Elliot wasn't going to leave her alone right now. Not with what had just happened and the fact that she was about to be full of vodka. Plus, the vodka would make her want to talk, about what, he didn't know but she would be more talkative and he was more than willing to listen.

He leaned his back against the headboard and stretched out his legs in front of him, crossing his ankles and lacing his fingers together in his lap.

" _You wanna talk about it?_ " he tried lightly but apparently, that had been the wrong thing to do.

She turned her head sideways, glancing at him before going back to drinking the vodka. Before he knew it, she was chugging again.

" _Hey…_ " he called to her looking concerned. " _Slow down, do it in moderation or you'll make yourself sick…_ " he told her. Olivia stopped drinking, she knew he was right. Almost half the bottle was already gone but it was like she couldn't get enough.

Olivia put the lid back on the bottle and laid it in her lap, leaning back and closing her eyes tightly. Her head swarmed with alcohol. She was also basically drinking on an empty stomach so the vodka was hitting her hard.

" _Fuck…_ " she whispered, closing her eyes shut as the room began to spin.

" _I told you…_ " Elliot stated. " _You gotta slow down with that stuff…_ " he was kind of surprised she hadn't thrown up but he couldn't blame her. He'd never had a flashback, at least not like the one she'd just had. Yeah, sometimes he'd remember shooting the kid in the station that was the same age as his daughter but it wasn't really a flashback, it was more of a memory.

" _What was your trigger?_ " he asked her gently. They needed to establish these things so they knew what to look out for.

Olivia wiped her nose with the back of her hand and turned her head to her right to try and gaze at him but the alcohol was fucking with her.

" _It uh… the table. On TV. It squeaked. It was the same sound the table made that I was duct-taped to…_ " she told him honestly.

He nodded. At least now he had some idea of what her flashback had been about.

" _M'sorry you had to spray your cologne all over…_ " she said filled with guilt and now alcohol.

" _It's fine. I don't mind. You can keep that bottle, I'll get another one…_ " he told her.

Olivia stared at the comforter and bottle of vodka in her lap. She didn't bother explaining why she'd asked him to do it because he already knew. They knew from working at SVU that smells could help someone come out of a flashback and prevent another one.

" _Wanna know what the flashback was?_ " she asked him. Her eyes filled with tears caused by her trauma but also probably from her vodka induced state.

" _You know I do,_ " Elliot told her gently, giving her his full attention.

" _No holes in the walls?_ " she asked.

Olivia was able to keep the tears at bay long enough for them to disappear.

Elliot smiled at her statement.

" _No holes in your walls, promise…_ " he told her.

" _Lewis…_ " she said, picking up the bottle, unscrewing the cap and taking another swig. " _You already know he took me from behind… the table made this shitty squeaking sound like it was a billion fucking years old… it probably was old. That place hadn't been inhabited in a while…_ " she trailed off in thought.

Elliot clinched his jaw together tightly.

" _Elliot…_ " she started off, moving herself to face him with her body, propping her side up on pillows, bottle still in hand. " _I didn't fight back… I didn't even say no…_ " she told him sadly. " _In fact, I said the opposite… I said yes…_ "

He swallowed hard.

" _You're not seriously contemplating if this was rape or not, are you?_ " he asked her sternly. " _You were saving a little girl…_ "

" _No… I know what it was… I'm jus' sayin'… I thought it'd be different, you know?_ " she told him honestly. The alcohol was coming out in various places with her pronunciation.

Elliot pressed his lips together in a thin line. She'd just revealed to him that she'd thought about being raped and it had probably been many times over the past few years.

" _I thought I'd fight like I did at Sealview… Always knew I'd rather be dead than raped…_ " she revealed, taking a small sip of vodka. He was now wishing he had his own bottle to drink from.

Elliot took a deep breath.

" _Lewis is dead but Harris is still in jail… I can pay him a visit… or have someone do it for me…_ " Elliot stated and she knew exactly what he was suggesting.

" _Don't you dare…_ " she told him. " _He's doin' three consecutive sentences of twenty-five years… seventy-five years in prison. If he lives to see the light of day, he'll be a hundred and ten years old, it's highly unlikely… let that bastard suffer in jail for the rest of his life…_ " she said bitterly.

Elliot raised his eyebrows in surprise.

" _What?_ " She asked him. " _You didn't think I kept up with 'em? He almost raped me, El… He almost made me…_ " Olivia couldn't finish her sentence. " _Anyways, they pinned more rapes on 'em after he was initially convicted. He's there for life. That chapter is closed for me, I'd prefer to leave it that way…_ "

" _Done._ " Elliot complied.

She stayed silent for a while. Elliot seemed to think she was deep in thought and he was right.

" _I'm gonna wait a couple of weeks before I take the tests._ " She finally spoke, not looking at him. It took him a second to realize she had been talking about the pregnancy tests.

" _You really think you're pregnant?_ " He asked her, unlacing his fingers and crossing his arms over his chest.

" _Don't know but I think my luck hasn't been that great lately._ " Olivia replied.

" _And you think all this vodka is gonna help the baby?_ " he asked, it was a real concern.

Olivia swallowed hard.

" _I don't care what the vodka would do to the baby…_ " she glanced around the room as she whispered, desperate to keep their eyes from meeting. " _Because I'm going to abort the baby if there is one…_ "

His face remained calm, if he had been surprised of angry, he didn't let it show.

" _I know you're catholic and you don't believe in that but… I can't be my mother…_ " Olivia let out a dark snort. " _I mean, any more than I already am…_ " She stated, staring at the half empty bottle of vodka in her hands.

" _Whatever you wanna do, I'll support you…_ " he told her honestly.

She'd been drinking on it for the better part of thirty minutes now and it was definitely getting to her. She was becoming bold in her speaking.

" _You think you could honestly be with a woman who aborted her own child?_ " Olivia asked him darkly. " _The one thing I've waited so long for and I'm already plotting to kill it before…_ " she trailed off again.

Olivia huffed.

He smiled at her attempt to get him to falter about their kind of existent but not talked about, fucked up relationship.

" _Catholic or not, you're someone I care about and you've been through hell… I'll support you no matter what._ " He promised her.

" _I know you think you have these feelings or whatever for me… but you don't know the whole story, any of them actually. I've been assaulted three times by two different people and you don't know the things that happened… what Lewis did to me… how I reacted…_ " She mumbled that last part.

Elliot was worried about her. God, was he worried about her. It was hard to care for a victim, he knew that but this was breaking him.

" _So tell me…_ " he requested lightly, moving so he could sit up straighter on the bed and face her.

" _No…_ " Olivia refused. " _You'll be disgusted…_ "

Olivia opened the bottle once more, taking a generous sip but somehow managing to refrain from chugging.

" _You'll wanna go back to your wife…_ " Olivia whispered as her eyes watered again.

" _Hey… ex-wife,_ " he corrected gently, tilting his head to make eye contact with her, which was hard considering she'd had so much vodka. " _Is that what you're really worried about? Me going back to Kathy? Me not being here with you?_ " he asked gently.

Olivia remained quiet. She wasn't going to reply. She couldn't.

He took her silence as a yes.

" _I'm not going anywhere… ever again. I swear…_ " he promised her.

Olivia's tears began to fall as she looked at him.

" _I'll never go back to Kathy, we've been long over. I'm here for you, for whatever you need and if that's reassurance that I'm all yours, then you've got it._ " Elliot promised her. His voice was gentle and concerned.

" _Elliot, our relationship hasn't even started and there are so many things going against it already…_ " she told him. It was true. A lot had happened. Their relationship, if they chose to have one, wouldn't be an easy road. " _I've been assaulted… raped… I'm fucked up. I don't know if sex will ever be on the table again… there are other things that happened…_ "

Olivia wondered how two days ago she'd begged Elliot not to bring up the topic of 'them' and now she'd been the one to bring it up. It was probably the alcohol.

" _We'll figure it out…_ " Elliot reached out and interlaced his right hand with her left hand, the hand she wasn't holding the vodka bottle with. " _When that time comes, we'll figure it out… and we've got all the time in the world, Liv._ "

Olivia lifted the bottle to her lips closing her eyes as she drank so she didn't have to look at Elliot. The bottle now had a little bit less than half left but she needed the liquid courage to tell him what she was about to reveal.

Putting the bottle down, she drew her hand back from his to screw the cap back on the bottle.

Her tears had been slowly and silently coming but now they sped up as she sniffled.

" _I came…_ " she whispered to him, shutting her eyes tightly as if she was experiencing physical pain.

He swallowed hard at her admission, realizing what she was saying.

" _I… when he raped me… I… I had an orgasm…_ " she repeated, almost sobbing. " _It's gross and it's disgusting and…_ " Olivia didn't finish because of her crying.

Elliot was angry. He had a hatred for William Lewis like never before. It took everything inside him to compose himself.

" _C'mere, Liv._ " He requested, removing the vodka bottle from her lap and throwing it towards the end of the bed. Elliot tugged at her hand, signaling his want for her to come to him.

She covered her face with the hand that wasn't in Elliot's.

" _I'm ashamed… so ashamed and embarrassed and I feel guilty…_ " she whispered but she moved ever so slowly towards him.

Elliot pulled her to him for the second time that day and she cried into his shirt.

" _I didn't want to tell you… I was planning on never telling you…_ " she confessed.

Elliot pushed her back briefly to make eye contact. " _You can tell me anything, Liv, anything._ " He told her, then pulled her back into his chest.

" _I'm not disgusted, I still want you just as much as I did before. This changes nothing… It happens, you know that… we both do. It's part of our training… it's a biological physical response…_ " he comforted her, holding on to her tightly.

" _I know…_ " she muttered. " _But it's so different when it happens to you… It's not the same…_ "

Elliot had released her hand by now and was rubbing her back, attempting to calm her down. Olivia had experienced far more than he had anticipated. She was so broken. Now everything made sense, why she'd said she couldn't be fixed and that she would fall apart.

" _I've got you and you're gonna be okay…_ " he promised her. He held her for a while longer, until she stopped crying and was now just a hot mess from the mixture of emotions and alcohol.

They had scooted their way down the bed to where their heads were on a pillow and they were laying down on their sides, still facing each other.

She pulled back and looked at him, sniffling and wiping her face.

Their eyes locked and she felt so safe with him.

" _I…_ " she hesitated. Olivia was sobering up slightly, it was because of all the crying. " _I don't know if I can survive this without you… I'd like to say I'm strong and that I can but…_ "

" _I'm here for you… you're not doing this alone, Liv._ " Elliot responded. " _Even if you could do it alone, which I fully think you are strong enough and could by the way, I wouldn't let you…_ "

" _I'm gonna be moody… I'm gonna be difficult…_ " She told him.

Elliot laughed at her. " _Since when has that not been the case?_ "

Olivia smiled and rolled her eyes at him.

" _I'm serious… I'll have good days and bad days…_ "

" _I know,_ " Elliot told her.

" _You're not taking care of Badass Benson, you're taking care of Victimized Benson…_ " she told him sadly.

" _No, I'm taking care of Olivia Benson, that's it._ " He promised her.

Olivia looked at him lovingly.

" _If I wasn't so fucked up with everything that's going on… I'd kiss you right now…_ " she told him, her face turning slightly red.

He smiled. " _Save that kiss for me, it'll happed one day… We'll get there._ " Elliot promised her. They would get there. It would take time but they'd make it one day. They had to. There was no way two people could feel this way about each other and not make it.

" _You wanna take a nap with me?_ " she asked him. Olivia really wanted a shower but she was still a bit too intoxicated and she'd be damned if Elliot was gonna help her shower.

" _Can I hold you?_ " He asked her. Elliot actually knew this is what she wanted, he just knew she'd never ask for it. Today was one of the days she'd been more affectionate and needed to feel him there with her. It was a comfort to her and he knew that. He also knew she was too proud to ask for it, so he'd make it seem like it was something he needed instead. But in reality, he did need it.

" _Yeah… Sure._ " she complied.

They both got under the covers and she maneuvered the bottle of vodka off the bed and onto the floor with her foot.

Olivia immediately put her arms around his waist and laid her head on his shoulder. His arms encircled her, turning on his side and placing a kiss on her forehead.

She snuggled into him, breathing in his cologne that he'd sprayed earlier.

" _If he wasn't already dead… I'd kill him…_ " Elliot stated with his eyes closed and his arms still around her. His head was resting on top of hers.

She'd been waiting for his anger to make its appearance.

" _I'd let you…_ " she replied.


	31. Chapter 31

**It's been a while, I'm sorry. Final projects are due and exams are approaching. On a positive note, I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL. I'm officially starting a program in the fall to be a therapist for rape victims and victims of sexual assault and abuse. As some of you already know, I work with rape victims now but I can't actually do the therapy part. I can sit in, help with assessments and work the rape crisis line but I only have a bachelor's degree. Soon I'll have my master's though! Olivia Benson/Mariska Hargitay has totally been my inspiration and I am so very happy right now.**

 **This is a long chapter to make up for my absence. It's quite emotional in my opinion.**

When Olivia woke up from their nap, it was late in the afternoon, near dusk and she had a pounding headache, which she knew was from the vodka. She was laying on her back, having drifted away from Elliot during her slumber.

Turning her head to her right, she saw Elliot propped up on his left arm, watching her.

Olivia instantly rolled her eyes and looked at the ceiling. He smiled.

" _Want some Advil?_ " He asked.

" _No…_ " She replied softly.

" _How much do you remember?_ " He asked her out of curiosity.

Olivia gave him a dissatisfied look. " _I was a little intoxicated, El. Not completely wasted…._ " She replied.

" _Just checking…_ " Elliot answered, staring at her contently.

He was a little concerned and he knew she'd refuse the Advil, just like she had previously, but he still offered it to her anyways.

Olivia was beginning to remember everything much too vividly for her liking though. She was going through all that had happened in her mind. She instantly remembered talking about Harris and his prison sentence, about how she would abort a baby if there was one, which she sort of wished she hadn't told him but he should know her well enough by now to have predicted that one. Then Olivia remember telling Elliot about how she had had an orgasm during her rape.

Her left hand flew to her face to cover her eyes as she bit down on her bottom lip, willing herself to not cry.

Elliot looked at her with alert eyes.

" _Hey…_ " He spoke softly, in a concerned voice. " _What's happening?_ "

" _N-nothing…_ " she whispered. " _I'm fine…_ "

If the situation hadn't been so serious, Elliot would have rolled his eyes at her statement.

" _You're not, what's going on, Liv?_ " he asked gently. " _You having a flashback?_ "

She sniffled as a stray tear made its way down her face. She was probably slightly tipsy from her earlier consumption of vodka on an empty stomach so that definitely didn't help either.

" _It's just… I told you… I promised myself I wouldn't, that I would never tell anyone, much less someone I…_ " Olivia trailed off, refusing to finish that sentence. She took a deep breath and huffed it out. " _But I told you…_ "she confessed.

" _I'm not drinking anymore…_ " Olivia vowed.

Elliot snorted. " _Don't stop on my account…_ " he joked with her, and even though her left hand remained coving her eyes, she still managed to lightly smack him square in the chest with her right hand.

He was only trying to lighten the mood but she knew that. It killed him to see her cry, it always had, even if it was just one small tear.

" _El, I'm serious…_ " She whispered.

" _Yeah, I know you are…_ " He replied lightly, his voice changing to sound caring and compassionate. Then he threw in a bit more humor, " _Want me to give you the victim speech? 'Cause I can. I'm a little rusty but I think I can manage it…_ "

" _God, no._ " She replied and at the same time she spoke, she went to smack him lightly on the chest again, something that was becoming a habit for them but both enjoyed the playfulness. However, this time, he caught her right hand with his left, interlacing their fingers, and held their hands to his chest.

She could feel his heartbeat underneath the back of her hand.

Olivia took a deep breath again to calm herself. She closed her eyes, wiping the remains from her single tear, and replaced her hand over her eyes.

" _I shouldn't have told you…_ " she whispered.

The room was still and the mood became serious once more. Elliot squeezed her hand in supportiveness.

" _I hate that I did… I hate that I… I…_ " she was trying to talk to him but it was hard and it was something that wasn't easy for her, especially when she was sober, but he knew what she was referring to.

" _You're talking about the orgasm…_ " He stated lightly. She stayed quiet, not confirming or denying it, so he kept talking. " _I know you're embarrassed but you don't have to be… it's easier said than done, I know but I want you to know you're safe with me._ "

Olivia removed her hand from her face and turned to him, their hands still linked.

" _I always feel safe with you, always. That's not an issue for me…_ " She told him and she situated her head on her pillow more comfortably to get a better look at him.

Elliot nodded in understanding. He hoped to god it was true.

" _I hate it, El…_ " Olivia closed her eyes tightly, burying her face in the pillow. " _I hate that it happened, I hate it more than the actual…_ " She trailed off in a muffled whisper, still having trouble at times with saying the word 'rape'. She spoke almost as if she was in pain.

" _I know you do… I do too… Fuck, Liv, the things I've thought about doing to him while you were asleep… if he were alive I'd-_ " Elliot stated as he was staring at the ceiling now but was cut off by Olivia.

The famous Stabler temper was making an appearance.

" _Don't… Don't do that, El…_ " She whispered to him, squeezing his hand to calm him. " _Don't go dark on me…_ " Olivia mumbled into the side of her pillow.

" _I'm not doing that, I'm just…_ " Elliot stated, trying to put his thoughts into words.

Elliot huffed. She could feel his tensed chest beneath her hand.

" _You're just what?_ " Olivia asked, turning her face from being half buried in the pillow to where she could look at his face now.

Elliot closed his eyes and stayed silent, grasping her hand slightly tighter, not by much but enough for her to take notice.

" _Hey…_ " She talked softly. " _Don't lock up on me…_ " Olivia said, moving their linked hands so she could lightly rub his chest with the back of her hand.

" _G'mme a sec…_ " He requested lightly, his eyes still closed.

" _Okay,_ " She replied worriedly.

Olivia was confused. She wasn't sure what was causing his bout of silence, his need to collect himself when moments before, he'd been the one who was needing to comfort her. It seemed as if the tables had turned all of the sudden. Olivia hoped she hadn't done or said something wrong that upset him but she wasn't quite getting that vibe either.

This was new territory for them, after all. They'd never gone this far with each other, this deep.

He stayed quiet for at least another two minutes with a worried Olivia laying beside him, her eyes focused on his face, trying to get a read off him.

When Elliot finally spoke, his voice was soft but laced slightly with pain.

" _Kathy and I didn't work partially because I wouldn't open up to her… I couldn't._ " He told Olivia. " _I've never been any good with sharing my feeling with anyone but… I always shared more with you than I ever did with her when it came to work stuff and serious things like that…_ "

Olivia's face remained blank even though it slightly stung that he was talking about his life with Kathy. At certain times, she could have the best poker face, but it was never bullet proof. Often enough, he could see through it. It's how they worked, how they co-existed. However, she couldn't deny that she was glad the conversation had turned away from her current situation to a different one.

" _I never wanted that,_ " she told him strongly, almost like she was trying to defend herself.

" _Neither did I and it didn't start out like that. When I originally started on the force, I told her everything. Then I joined SVU and..._ " He trailed off. " _Anyways, it happened and it makes sense. You and me, we did the job together for over twelve years, we saw the same things, felt a lot of the same emotions… You understood._ " Elliot turned to look at her.

" _Kathy would have too…_ " She told him, maintaining her forefront.

" _Maybe but not all of it… There was no way in hell I'd ever put our cases in her mind. Dead kids, raped and tortured men and women, sodomized children? Fuck no. No fucking way I'd do that to her…_ " Elliot replied, turning his gaze back to the ceiling.

Olivia remained silent as she continued to listen to him. She couldn't respond because she agreed to an extent. Yes, Olivia believed spouses should share feelings and talk about things but Kathy was a good woman, for the most part and from what Olivia knew about the blonde, she'd never been truly broken. The woman had gone from her parents' house to being married and living with Elliot at the ripe age of seventeen when he'd gotten her pregnant.

Kathy had never had major tragedy in her life, not near as bad as the ones they saw day-to-day or like the tragedies that Olivia had been faced with since birth, and Olivia couldn't think of a reason on Earth why Kathy needed their cases in her mind to burden her load. It wouldn't have done Kathy nor Elliot any good.

" _Therapy after Jenna helped…_ " Elliot spoke again. He'd already told Olivia briefly when they had been out to lunch that he'd seen a therapist after Jenna but now he was going into more details. Something Elliot rarely did, or at least that was her experience. " _I learned how to communicate better but it's still hard for me. I don't like opening up and I know you're exactly the same way, Liv._ " Elliot glanced at her to make sure she hadn't fallen asleep again in her silent state but Olivia was very well alert and looking at him, so he turned back to the ceiling.

" _But god, Kathy… Kathy was different. She could be cleaning the fucking kitchen and be spilling her guts to me about something like it was so easy… she didn't understand how I couldn't do the same with her…_ " He confided in Olivia and she got the feeling that the only person he'd ever told this to was his shrink.

Elliot released Olivia's hand and in that moment, she missed his touch. It scared her how quickly she'd grown accustom to it.

Olivia removed her hand from his chest and tucked it beneath her head as she continued to give him her full attention. She was still happy that the focus wasn't on her for once.

" _You were never like that… If I was upset about something, I'd have to leave the damn house because Kathy wouldn't stop nagging me about what was wrong. She wasn't even trying to make sure that I was okay half the time, she just needed to know what had upset me, she felt like if I didn't tell her about it, then that meant I didn't trust her or love her… when in reality, I just couldn't talk about some things, you know?_ " Elliot told Olivia lightly. He'd ended his statement with a question but he didn't wait for a reply.

" _But with you,_ " he continued. " _You were different. I could be going at the punching bag hard and you'd come in and sit there in silence, watching, just making sure I was okay. Sometimes you'd ask if I wanted to talk. All I had to say was 'no' and you'd leave it at that… I could punch my knuckles bloody on the lockers and you'd be there waiting with a towel and the first aid kit…_ " Elliot told her. It should have probably been the other way around. Kathy instead of Olivia waiting with the kit since Kathy was the nurse and all…

" _Don't do that… Don't compare us, El…_ " Olivia told him firmly. " _We're two different women, we come from two completely different backgrounds, different worlds…_ "

" _I know, I know…_ " He replied guiltily, as if he had tried not to compare them but had failed.

Olivia sat up, turning her body to the left, she eased herself off the bed. Her hips were still a bit sore even though the bruises were fading and the nail marks in her skin were now just small red marks that didn't even need Neosporin or band aids.

Elliot propped himself up on his elbows and shot her a panicked look, like he all the sudden realized he'd shared too much and it was scaring Olivia away.

She smiled a small smile at him, walking around to his side of the bed. Olivia placed a soothing hand on his shoulder.

" _I'm just stretching my legs. I'm walking over to the window._ " She told him, her voice holding firm. She didn't want him to think that her getting up had something to do with the information he'd been revealing. " _Please continue, El. I'm listening._ " Olivia promised him.

Elliot watched her back side as she faced away from him, walking towards the window that was now lit up by the lights of the city. It wasn't really dark in the room. The sun had set, yes, but the curtains were wide open and the blinds had been drawn up.

He wasn't watching her to get an eye full, he was watching how she walked to try and measure the soreness of her hips, to see how much better she'd gotten. Elliot had been worrying about her well-being pretty frequently lately.

He pushed himself up, sitting on the edge of the bed, he worked up the nerve to continue speaking.

" _This… what happened with you…_ " Elliot huffed as he tried to put more of his emotions into words. " _What I'm trying to say is, I know it's tearing you apart… but it's… I'm hurting too._ "

Elliot stood up, walking to stand behind Olivia, but not too closely. He was still very conscious of the fact that she was a sexual assault victim and that it had happened with Lewis standing behind her. He'd made sure his footsteps were heavy so she heard him coming, and when he stood behind her, she peered at him through the reflection in the window.

Her expression could be described as emotionally surprised. She hadn't expected him to confess his pain from her rape.

" _Before therapy, my pain and my feelings would mostly come out in the form of anger…_ " Elliot explained.

Olivia could have cracked a joke but the tone was too serious.

" _Does she know what happened with Jenna and everything that went down that day at the precinct?_ " Olivia asked, referring to Kathy. She wasn't quite ready for him to veer the conversation to Lewis just yet. She wanted a couple more minutes of talking about something else.

" _Oh yeah,_ " Elliot replied easily. " _She went to therapy with me a few times. I told her pretty much everything about it. She understood why it'd been so hard for me, why it'd messed up my head…_ _mostly because then it began to mess up hers too once she understood the weight of everything._ " he told her. " _We still couldn't make the marriage work though._ "

Olivia had a sad look on her face so he added, " _It was for the best. I wanted out and so did she. We were only in it for Eli at that point, and a little for the church I guess... divorce being a sin and all… But getting out was like a breath of fresh air for both of us…_ "

Olivia looked confused. " _She said that to you?_ " she asked, turning around to face him.

" _Yeah, in so many words. We went back to therapy a couple times after everything was done with, just to make sure the air was clear and all…_ " he replied honestly.

" _I… I guess that's good?_ " Olivia hesitated. She didn't really know what to say. It wasn't good that his marriage was over but in a way, it was if everyone involve was just getting hurt.

" _It is._ " He promised her. " _We're all in a good place now, us and the kids. It was hard with Eli at first but he adjusted._ "

" _That's really great, El._ " Olivia told him. She was truly happy that he'd found a happy medium with his family and ex-wife.

Elliot reached down and loosely interlaced their fingers.

" _Is this okay?_ " he asked hesitantly. He probably should have asked earlier when he grabbed her hand to hold it but it just happened in the moment and it had felt right. She hadn't acted uncomfortable or tried to pull away so he figured it was alright but their conversation was getting deeper now. He needed to make sure she felt okay with this.

Olivia swallowed hard, their eyes locked, and she nodded.

He shook his head. " _No, I need verbal consent, Liv. I need to know you're okay with this conversation, with me talking like this… it's getting personal._ " Elliot told her.

She took a deep breath.

" _If it's too much, tell me. We can stop and finish it another day…_ " He promised her.

" _I'm okay, Elliot._ " She promised him. " _Keep talking, I'm listening…_ " Then she gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

It was more so out of concern that 'another day' to finish the conversation would never come. It was rare for either one of them to open up and for it to happen at the same time seemed like a miracle. Olivia was desperately trying to let Elliot in, and so far, she'd done an amazing job, even if she had needed a bit of vodka to get the ball rolling.

Elliot was trying as well. Olivia could tell as much. She didn't know which one of them it was harder for but it was definitely hard on both.

Now, it was Elliot's turn to take a deep breath.

" _The things he did to you… it's fucking with me…_ " He confided in her. Olivia's eyes were dark and trained on him.

She was a strong woman and he was a strong man but they both had their faults and flaws, they both had their breaking points.

" _I'm okay right now, I am… but there are gonna be days where it consumes me and it nearly kills me…_ " Elliot stated. Olivia's hands began to shake. She was almost certain he could feel them as he held them. " _And I'm sorry, I know that's not fair to you, this is your story, your pain… it's not fair to you if I falter too…_ "

Olivia already knew something had been going on with him ever since the other day when she showed him the bruises on her hips and the marks where Lewis' finger nails had dug into her skin. He'd been openly emotional for a moment that day. That day, he'd let her in more than he ever had, until now.

His eyes had started to water so he closed them tightly.

" _No…_ " she told him softly, looking at his closed eyes. " _You listen to me, El…_ "

She pulled gently on his hands, inching him closer to her.

" _You get to hurt too… If you need a breather, take one. You don't have to be strong all the time, not for me…_ " Olivia told him.

" _I wanna be, Liv…_ " He whispered to her as tears fell from his eyes. She'd only seen him cry a handful of time, and most of those times, she'd been crying with him and it'd been over something that involved their work.

Seeing him like this broke her heart, and made her own eyes water. Olivia pressed her lips tightly together trying to come up with the right words to say.

She leaned forward and engulfed him in a hug, wrapping her arms around his neck. He hugged her lower back in return.

" _Talk to me, El…_ " She whispered softly into his ear. " _Talk to me…_ " she almost begged.

Elliot sniffled and didn't bother to wipe the water from his face.

" _He hurt you… I'd give anything to change it, to turn back time and stop your pain. You gotta know that…_ " He told her and he felt her nod her head, signaling that of course she knew. " _He hurt my best friend… he raped you, Liv and it's killing me inside. It makes me sound disgusting and like a jealous, sick fuck but… but it kills me that he was inside you before I was… that he did this to you, to your body…_ " Elliot began to cry for real now.

Olivia placed one hand on the back of his head to sooth him.

" _You're not disgusting or sick, El…_ " She whispered to him as his body shook lightly. " _I hate that he's had me before you had a chance to… I hate that he fucked up my body. I wish you could have been with me before all of this Lewis shit, before I… I was like this… and looked like this…_ " Her voice was stronger than she had anticipated it would be. Olivia was rubbing her other hand up and down his back as his crying died down.

They needed each other now more than ever.

Elliot held onto her tightly. They stayed like that for a minute longer, just in silence, enjoying each other's embrace.

Then he spoke again. " _He raped the woman I lo-_ " Olivia pulled back quickly and her right hand flew to cover his mouth so fast that it took him a minute to realize what had happened.

Elliot looked at her with confusion. His bushy eyebrows bunched together and eyes no longer leaking tears, more so out of confusion.

" _Too much._ " She told him. " _You can't say it. Not now, not in present tense…_ " Olivia waited until he nodded his head, complying to her request before she removed her hand and then lacing their fingers together between them. " _I'm sorry,_ " she continued but gave him a small smile to reassure him that she wasn't mad, angry, or upset. " _I have trouble with that word, you know I do. I don't like it, I rarely say it and when I do it's only to certain people… We've said it in past tense but…_ " Olivia trailed off and huffed.

" _It's alright, you don't have to explain…_ " He told her with loving eyes. She then dropped both of his hands and he used this opportunity to wipe his face clean. " _Hey,_ " Elliot smiled at her, catching her eye. " _It's fine._ "

Olivia huffed and turned away from him back towards the window.

" _Just as long as you know it, that's good enough for me. I don't have to say it…_ " He told her.

Olivia raised her eyebrows in surprise, looking back at him through their reflections in the window. " _Oh no, you're gonna say it, Elliot._ " She told him sternly. " _I've been waiting years to hear it… you're gonna say it. Just not now. Not in the middle of all this shit._ " Olivia wanted to hear those three words from him even though they scared her to death, even though she hated that 'L' word.

Elliot swallowed hard, staring at her face like he was trying to read her. And he was. He was trying to figure out what she was thinking, what she was feeling.

It was like Olivia read his mind though. They seemed to be in sync now more than ever.

" _The feelings are still here, El. I feel it too. I feel the same… I swear I do._ " She told him, hoping he'd understand.

" _I mean it…_ " Olivia told him in a small voice.

" _I know…_ " He whispered to her.

Olivia reached behind her. While taking a deep breath and letting it out, she grabbed his hands in her own and tugged his arms until they encircled her waist. He held her, per her request.

" _I've waited so long to be in your arms…_ " Olivia confessed to him as she closed her eyes and leaned back into his embrace, constantly reminding herself that it was Elliot Stabler and not William Lewis, but their bodies felt very different and Elliot still strongly smelled of his cologne.

He smiled as he rested his chin on her shoulder. Her arms remained covering his.

" _I've waited forever for this, Liv… It feels good. It feels…_ " Elliot started.

" _Right. It feels right…_ " Olivia finished his sentence for him. She smiled with her eyes still closed. She leaned her head back on his strong shoulder. " _This is one of the rare moments where I am okay, El. Right now I'm content… no flashbacks, no mood swings or episodes… but I know it won't always be like this…_ " She told him.

" _I know…_ " He promised her. " _Liv, we were both sex crimes detectives… you still work sex crimes, sergeant…_ " He told her, knowing good and well she was still struggling with whether she would be returning to work or not. " _I know how to handle this, I know what to expect._ "

" _I'm sorry it's like this…_ " Olivia sounded sad and when he watched her reflection, he saw a tear make its way down her face. And just like that, emotional Olivia Benson was back. She hated that she couldn't control her emotions and she hated that she was getting emotional in front of him of all people but at the same time, she was slightly relieved because he understood.

" _S'okay,_ " He told her. " _You've been through hell. You get to have emotions…_ " Elliot held her tighter for fear that she might spontaneously collapse onto the floor beneath them.

More tears made their way down her face. " _So do you, El…_ "

" _He did more things to me…_ " Olivia confessed with her eyes still shut and her face wet. " _There's more that he did to me… more that he did the first time too that I never told anyone. Not even Fin…_ " Elliot's ears perked up and his heart started racing. No wonder she was having so much trouble coping and recovering. She had things bottled up from months and months ago from Lewis' first attack.

" _I can't tell you about them, not now anyways…_ " Olivia stated in her weak and emotional voice. " _But one day I will. I want to tell you everything, I want to get it off my chest but I've had too much for today…_ " She stated, opening her eyes and turning around in his arms.

" _I understand._ " He promised her, even though now he was scared shitless of what else that prick had done to her.

" _Can I ask you a question? Just one before we stop this serious conversation?_ " He asked her, looking into her eyes that were now red and puffy.

She sniffled but agreed.

" _The other things he did, were they worse, worse than what you've already told me?_ " Elliot asked. He needed to know.

Olivia made her way around the bed sitting down on her side in thought. He joined her on the other side, looking at her and awaiting her reply.

" _I think, honestly, for me…_ " She spoke to him in truth. " _The orgasms were the worst… My own body's betrayal… that was pretty… rough._ " Olivia told him. " _I feel guilty and ashamed and I feel disgusting. I'm embarrassed, so fucking embarrassed…_ "

Elliot looked at her in shock and what could have almost been horror. Not because he was disgusted by her or anything of that nature, but because of what she'd just said to him. Olivia, however, couldn't figure out what he was so shocked about. She'd already confessed that part of the story to Elliot.

" _El?_ " She called to him, hoping to take him out of his trance. Him staring at her like this really wasn't making her feel much better about opening up to him.

" _Orgasms._ " He replied simply.

" _What?_ " She asked, confused.

" _Orgasms… you said orgasms. Plural…_ " He explained.

" _What?_ " She replied again but now the shock was evident on her face. " _No… No I…_ " Olivia tried but her poker face was failing and this was one of those times that Elliot was reading her like a book.

" _Fuck,_ " Olivia whispered as she covered her mouth and looked down at the bed. It was obvious now that it had been a slip of the tongue. She'd let too much information out. Information that she hadn't wanted to tell him.

Her tears came back instantly. It was one thing to admit to having one orgasm, but multiple? During a sexual assault? She felt betrayed by herself and she felt even more disgusted and ashamed than she did before.

Olivia's face turned red from crying and from embarrassment.

" _It's okay, Liv._ " He tried to sooth her but it was no use.

" _No more questions._ " She told him firmly through her tears. " _And no more talk about this tonight._ "

He knew she was uncomfortable and embarrassed. She probably wanted to crawl out of her skin by now, so he did the only thing he could thing of aside from hold her, since it was evident that she did not want to be touched right now…

" _This one time, Kathy and I were fucking on the couch during my lunch break, and all the kids walked in the front door… we'd completely forgotten that it was a half-day at the school because of a teacher's development day. They came home to us both butt naked without a stitch of clothing on, just going at it… We were so embarrassed that we ended up letting them have whatever they wanted for dinner. That night we ended up ordering four pizzas and got two gallons of ice cream from the corner store…_ "

Olivia wiped the water from her face and looked at him like he had gone completely crazy.

" _Elliot?_ " she questioned him.

" _And Cragen caught me jerking off in the showers at the one-six one time. He walked out of there like it never happened and we never spoke about it, ever. But he couldn't look me in the eye for the rest of the week…_ " Elliot continued.

" _Oh my god, Elliot!_ " Olivia made a surprised face, turning to her right to see him better. Now her face was turning red of embarrassment for him.

Olivia finally figured out what he was doing.

" _These are some of my most embarrassing and uncomfortable moments._ " Elliot told her, even though he knew she'd probably figured it out. " _One time, I accidentally called Kathy by another woman's name when we were in bed together…_ "

" _Oh no, please don't tell me it was my name. I swear to god, Elliot, if you are about to tell me that you called her Olivia…_ " She stated, giving him a very stern look.

He laughed. " _No, no. I called her Pam. As in Pamela Anderson, which is who I had been daydreaming about while I was in bed with her…_ "

Olivia started laughing. " _I bet that didn't go over well…_ " She answered.

" _No, it didn't… I had to sleep on the couch for three days._ " He responded, pressing his lips together.

" _I can't believe your guilty pleasure woman is Pamela Anderson…_ " Olivia told him, giving him a questioning glance.

Elliot shrugged. " _What can I say? I'm a Baywatch fan…_ " He stated, wagging his eyebrows at her. Olivia laughed again.

" _Who's your guilty pleasure?_ " He asked her.

Olivia huffed at him. " _…Patrick Dempsey…_ " she whispered.

" _I knew it!_ " Elliot stated as his face lit up.

" _What? You did not!_ " She replied, narrowing her eyes at him.

" _I did. You always made too many references to him and all the movies and shows he's in… For the longest time, Munch and I had a bet going…_ " Elliot confessed, smiling like an idiot.

" _You bet on me?_ " She asked with wide eyes.

" _He owes me fifty bucks!_ " Elliot laughed. " _He said you were into George Clooney…_ "

" _Oh…_ " Olivia closed her eyes and smiled warmly. " _… yeah, he's dreamy too…_ " Elliot laughed again.

Olivia smiled at him. " _You don't have to do this. Thank you, honestly, you seem to always know what to do and say. But you don't have to share these embarrassing, awkward things with me and torture yourself like this…_ " Olivia told him.

" _Over the past few days, you've told me the worst things that have ever happened to you, Liv… Let me share some embarrassing moments with you. Granted some of mine are funnier now than they were serious, but when they happened, I promise they were real serious and awkward as fuck…_ " Elliot told her, shifting on his arm to get more comfortable.

She continued her smile. " _Well… if you insist…_ "

They continued on like that for the next forty-five minutes. Olivia could listen to him talk for hours sometimes.

After Elliot had gotten out a significant number of embarrassing stories about himself in compromising positions, and once he felt like Olivia was feeling better, he suggested she eat something. To his surprise, she complied.

" _If uh, if I go hop in the shower, will you order some pizza?_ " She asked hesitantly, looking at him.

Elliot's face slightly lit up. Olivia wanting pizza was a good thing. Hell, Olivia wanting to eat at all right now was a good thing.

" _Of course,_ " he complied.

Olivia got up to go to the bathroom but stopped and turned to him. He'd gotten off the bed and was making his way to vacate the room for her privacy.

" _Elliot?_ " She called after him.

" _Yeah?_ " He turned to her.

" _Thanks…_ " She said in a small voice, giving him a shy smile.

" _You don't need to thank me, Liv._ " He told her, smiling back, though he wasn't entirely sure if she was thanking him for ordering the pizza, for opening up to her, for holding her, or for not freaking out about everything she'd revealed that day.

" _Also,_ " She added. " _I want you to know, if you ever want to or need to talk about Kathy, the marriage, the divorce, whatever… you can. Anytime… I'm okay with it._ " Olivia promised him. " _She was a big part of your life and she was a small part of mine… If we're really gonna do this 'thing' with us later after all the shit is done with… She'll be in our lives and you get free rein with her…_ " This was a big step for Olivia, telling him this meant a lot.

Elliot looked at her in awe. Just when he thought Olivia Benson couldn't impress him anymore, she does.

" _You are a packaged deal with five kids and an ex-wife… I want you to know I understand that. You loved her, a part of you always will. So, if you need a breather, you ever need to talk about her, the kids, your marriage, any of it, I'm here. Okay?_ " Olivia didn't think she could love anyone more than she loved the man standing in front of her, who she knew had stayed silent while she was speaking because he was overcome with emotion.

" _Yeah… I… yeah._ " He told her, swallowing hard.

Olivia smiled at him and went to the bathroom to shower, leaving Elliot to process all that she'd just told him. She hated talking about the possibility them becoming an 'us' most of the time because it scared her, but she needed him to know that him having Kathy and the kids wasn't the scary part. Them being together was, but she'd explain that to him on another day. Right now, she just needed him to understand that he could be open with her about those aspects of his life.

This was new for them, all of it was and they were having to find their way and navigate through all of it. Olivia only hoped they'd get there eventually.

Elliot ordered the pizza. For tonight, there'd be no more talk of the bad things that had happened. There would just be Netflix and pizza. And then later, maybe a little ice cream…

 **I really need feedback on this chapter because I went back and forth about wanting to post it and not wanting to post it. I wasn't sure I liked it and then I thought it might be too much. Thoughts?**


	32. Chapter 32

Day four post assault had been relatively easy for Olivia. Since the previous day had been so rough and emotionally draining, Elliot had kept the conversations light and tried to make her laugh whenever he could. He'd tell her a joke here and there, sometimes they were dumb but that made him look stupid, which was always funnier to Olivia than the actual joke.

They had both spent most of the day in the living room watching Netflix and eating pizza leftovers from the night before.

Elliot was happy she'd finally began eating again.

That day flew by. They went to bed at a decent hour with the absence of any flashbacks or bad dreams, which had surprised them both.

On day five, Olivia called Murphy, who was still in command of her squad. She let him know that after her mandatory leave was up in about a month, she'd be using some of her vacation days.

It wasn't a big deal since she literally had almost 50 weeks saved up.

Murphy had asked her if she was okay, if she was doing well in therapy but she had ignored his questions. Towards the end of the conversation, he reminded her that she had to be cleared by her psychiatrist before she could return to work. Olivia had told him that she was aware of that detail and then declined to comment on the subject furthermore.

Olivia wasn't close with Murphy at all. She'd only met him a handful of times and while she was glad and grateful for all that he'd done for her during the Lewis ordeal, she still had walls up with him. There was no way she was sharing personal information with him or talking about what had happened with him.

Once again, this day consisted of avoiding anything to do with William Lewis aside from her phone call with Murphy. Olivia made Elliot sit through several episodes of the Golden Girls while they sat on the couch together.

She'd gradually drifted to where he was and after a bathroom break, she sat smack down beside him, helping herself to his blanket and rested her head on his shoulder. Elliot had been slightly surprised at how bold she was being with him but he still wrapped his arm around her shoulder none-the-less.

Olivia was getting use to his presence. She was getting use to having him around her apartment. It scared her in a way but it also was a comfort to her with everything she'd been through.

On day six, Fin had come to the apartment and all hell had broken lose.

Olivia was in her room napping. She hadn't gotten much sleep the previous night due to bad dreams and nightmares, which wasn't a surprise of course. Elliot had to calm her down when she'd woken up in a cold sweat and then she'd opted to stay awake in the early hours of the morning for fear that as soon as she dropped back into her slumber, her nightmare would continue.

Fin had knocked on the door, surprising Elliot, who was watching a game on TV while Olivia slept.

Elliot looked through the peep hole, and let Fin in after seeing him. Elliot was surprised to see Fin at the apartment and he knew Olivia hadn't invited him over.

" _Where's Liv?_ " Fin asked. He looked flustered and on edge, like something was wrong.

" _She's asleep._ " Elliot answered, glancing towards Olivia's room. He at least hoped she was still asleep. She needed the rest and didn't want Fin to interrupt her.

Fin also glanced at her room.

" _How's she doing?_ " Fin asked him, eyeing him for an honest reaction. Fin wasn't playing around. He was worried and losing sleep.

" _Not great…_ " Elliot answered as honestly as he could without giving anything away.

" _What happened to her man?_ " Fin asked. He knew something was up. Amanda had been upset when she'd come back that day from dropping Olivia off at her apartment. Olivia was acting off and refusing to talk to him. That wasn't like her, but at least she had Elliot now, so she was at least talking to someone.

" _I can't…_ " Elliot replied. " _That's her story to tell, Fin. Not mine._ "

Fin huffed and ran a hand down his face. He'd been thinking about Olivia all week. He had a pretty good idea of what had happened to her but he wanted someone to tell him he was wrong.

" _You gotta tell me…_ " Fin told him forcefully. " _Something's wrong with her… I know something happened… She's not okay, she's not talking to me or Nick or Amanda…_ " Fin stated. " _Cragen and Munch have been asking questions that I can't answer…_ "

Elliot's eyes went wide. He'd totally forgotten about the older men and how they'd both retired.

" _Yeah,_ " Fin answered him upon seeing his facial reaction. " _Cragen's back from his cruise. He knows some shit went down. And Munch may be in France but he's been telling me he wants to fly in… I'm holding them off for now but they're gonna want to see her or at least talk to her at some point…_ "

Elliot took a deep breath.

" _I can tell her you came by… I can try to talk her into calling you…_ " Elliot promised him but it wasn't good enough. Fin had been there for Olivia at times when Elliot wasn't. Fin had always had her back from day one.

Elliot huffed and rested his hands on his hips when he realized it wasn't going to be easy to get rid of Fin.

Fin shook his head. " _What did that sick fuck do to her, Stabler?_ " he asked, eyeing Elliot, who refused to answer and looked to the ground.

" _I can't, Fin…_ " He told the other man.

" _What did he do?_ " Fin asked again, his voice getting louder.

Elliot glanced at Olivia's bedroom door that was still shut. So far, there hadn't been any noise or movement from her room.

" _Shhh_ " Elliot shushed Fin. " _You're gonna wake her up. She had a rough night…_ " Elliot confessed.

Fin pressed his lips together tightly, along with closing his eyes and he took a deep breath, preparing himself for what he was about to say next.

" _Did he rape her?_ " Fin asked ask darkly. He opened his eyes, staring intently at Elliot. If he concentrated enough, he wouldn't need a verbal answer. He'd be able to see it in Elliot's face.

Elliot looked around the room. He couldn't tell Fin the truth but he also couldn't lie to the man. They'd never been close but they'd had each other's backs several times throughout the years when Elliot was still a detective.

" _Don't make me do this…_ " Elliot whispered.

" _Did he fucking rape her?!_ " Fin said getting even louder, anger radiating off him. Mostly because he already knew the answer. He really didn't have to ask twice.

Fin finally made eye contact with Elliot and that was it.

He knew.

And Fin exploded.

In a rage, Fin pulled his arm back in one swift fluid motion and punched the wall beside him, leaving a good fist sized hole in the dry wall of Olivia's living room.

" _Fin, stop!_ " Elliot called but before he could do anything, Fin had reared back and created another hole.

" _Fuck! Just Fuck!_ " Fin said loudly as his fist made contact.

Elliot grabbed his arm pulling him back.

" _Goddammit, Fin!_ " Elliot told him. " _She's gonna think I did this!_ "

" _Get the fuck off me!_ " Fin yelled, pushing Elliot off him and away from his body.

Elliot wondered when Fin had turned into him. He remembered Fin could have a temper but he couldn't recall ever seeing the man hit anything. Fin had never reacting like Elliot had when it came to anger. In that field, Elliot was the popular one for denting the lockers or needed to go a round or two with the punching bag.

" _What the hell is going on out here?_ " Came a voice from behind both men.

They knew it was Olivia and they knew she was pissed. In a way, it was comforting. She sounded like badass Benson, like she was fierce and had some fight in her. Her eyes were dark and her hair was slightly messy in the back. She had on a white robe that came to her knees and was tied at her waist. She was wearing sweatpants underneath it and probably the same t-shirt Elliot had seen her wearing that morning.

Olivia walked over to the two men and took one look at the wall before going off.

" _Elliot, what the fuck?!_ " She said to him, throwing her hands up and pointing at the two holes in her wall. " _Are you fucking kidding me!? You promised me no holes in my walls! Do I look like fucking Kathy to you?_ " She almost yelled.

Ouch. That one stung.

Elliot held his hands up in his defense. " _I didn't do it._ " He told her with wide eyes. Elliot had never truly been afraid of Olivia Benson, but the fire that she had in her eyes right now could give him a run for his money.

Olivia's eyebrows shot up in surprise and she cast her eyes to Fin while crossing her arms in front of her chest.

" _Fin?_ " She questioned. All it took was one look at him for her to know that something was wrong. Her anger left her instantly.

" _Why didn't you tell me?_ " Fin asked, sounding hurt and defeated. " _You told everyone but me…_ "

Olivia's eyebrows fell and she uncrossed her arms. This was going to be bad.

" _Tell you what?_ " She asked, hoping he wasn't talking about what she thought he was.

" _You know damn well what._ " Fin told her.

Olivia threw an accusing glance at Elliot but Fin spoke again, " _Nah, don't look at him. He kept your secret. I'm a trained detective, Liv… I figured it out on my own._ " Fin told her, disapproval covering his face.

Fin was hurt. He probably felt betrayed although he knew he had no right to. If Olivia didn't want to tell him about her assault, she didn't have to. It was her prerogative.

" _I've had your back for years._ " Fin told her harshly. " _I looked out for you after your first sexual assault…_ " He stated. Olivia looked at him in surprise as her mouth fell open. Elliot stayed silent and watched the exchange between them. " _I fucking picked up the pieces of your heart after this asshole left you without a word or so much as a goodbye!_ " Fin told her fiercely, pointing a finger at Elliot without even looking in his direction. It seemed like everyone was going to take a dig at Elliot today…

" _Fin…_ " Olivia tried in a calm voice but he wasn't done.

" _You told blondie… You told fucking Tucker, the rat squad… and I damn well know you told him,_ " Fin replied, his finger still pointed to Elliot.

Olivia shut her mouth and stared at him. How the fuck did he know she had told Tucker? Those records were sealed, Tucker had promised her that much.

" _You mad at me because I didn't make it to you in time?_ " He asked her, talking about how the squad didn't reach Olivia before Lewis raped her.

" _God, no!_ " She exclaimed, horror covering her face at his words.

" _You resent me?_ " He asked, bordering on getting emotional.

" _No._ " She told him strongly, her eyes fixated on his. " _Elliot, leave…_ " She commanded, as she continued to hold Fin's gaze.

Elliot swallowed hard, contemplating if he should do as she requested.

When Elliot didn't move right away, she broke away from Fin's gaze and walked over to Elliot.

" _I need you to leave._ " She told him firmly, holding his stare.

Elliot nodded, looking worried but compliant. " _Okay._ " He replied, and then walked to the bowl on the side table, grabbing his keys and wallet.

Fin stayed in his spot, unmoving.

As Elliot walked to the door, he tried to catch her eye but she was trained on Fin again.

Once he'd left, Olivia waited until the door fully shut before she said anything else to Fin. This was going to be a hard conversation but it was a long time coming and it needed to happen now, especially for Fin's sake. He looked like he had been going out of his mind.

Fin had suspected she'd been at least sexually assaulted ever since he had noticed her pants were unbuttoned when she'd found her but he'd said nothing. Then Amanda had been upset and refused to talk to him or tell him what was wrong. He had gathered that it had something to do with Olivia.

Now, he was sure she had been sexually assaulted and it was breaking him inside. He had needed to see her. Fin couldn't spend another day wondering what had happened, wondering if she was okay.

Olivia walked over to the window and gazed out at the city. It was late afternoon now. The sun was no longer high and bright. Instead, there was an orange glow outside.

She heard Fin walking up behind her. He didn't touch her but she could still feel his presence.

" _You were raped._ " He stated in a whisper.

" _Yes…_ " She whispered back.

Fin had already accepted she'd been raped, he just wanted to hear her confirm it.

Her voice didn't break and she wasn't crying. Maybe it was the adrenalin from the argument that had just happened or maybe she was all cried out by now.

" _Why didn't you tell me?_ " Fin asked lightly. He was much more calm now than he had been a few minutes ago.

Olivia sighed. She turned to her right, walking around him, taking her robe off and throwing it on the couch. She was starting to get hot now and she'd only put it one when she'd heard there was company in her apartment. Had she known it was Fin, she would have never put the robe on in the first place.

She walked to the couch and leaned her ass on the arm, crossing her arms over her chest and looked at Fin.

" _It was too hard?_ " She told him, shrugging her shoulders. " _I didn't know how… and I didn't want you to blame yourself…_ " Olivia looked up at him with a small smile. In some ways, Odafin Tutuola was just like her.

Fin was standing by the window facing her with his hands in his pockets. He licked his lips and nodded his head. He could understand that it would be hard for her to tell him.

" _It's killing Amanda…_ " Fin told her. He walked backwards slightly until his ass reached the window seal and he leaned back against it. " _She's been at my place ever since it happened…_ "

" _Fin…_ " Olivia let out a low warning.

" _Nah,_ " He told her, shaking his head. " _It's not like that. She needed someone to have her back is all… she wanted to gamble and she couldn't go to her sponsor because she hasn't found a new one since that last asshole and she couldn't go to Nick because… well you know why…_ "

Olivia rolled her eyes at the thought of Nick and Amanda. Those two were a mess.

" _She even took a couple days off work… I'm on mandatory leave, you know, firing my weapon and all_." Fin admitted to Olivia.

She narrowed her eyes at him. " _You're still on leave?_ "

" _Yeah… I gotta get cleared by the psychiatrist before I can go back._ "

" _He won't clear you yet?_ " Olivia asked, raising her eyebrows in surprise.

Fin licked his lips. " _I haven't gone yet._ "

Olivia swallowed hard. " _Oh…_ " Was all she could manage to get out. He hadn't gone to therapy yet because he had needed to talk to her first, to figure out what was really going on.

" _I didn't tell Amanda._ " Olivia told Fin. He looked at her intently for a moment before focusing on something else in her living room. " _She's a nosey little thing that peeked into my grocery bag on our way back to my apartment…_ " Olivia told him with an unimpressed look on her face…

Fin looked confused. Olivia knew that he was trying to figure out what the blonde could have seen to make her realize Olivia had been raped.

" _She saw pregnancy tests that I had bought and we're not going to discuss it._ " Olivia told him sternly.

Fin swallowed hard but nodded. He didn't want to even think about the possibility that she could be pregnant with a baby that would be fathered by William Lewis.

" _I had to get through almost a whole bottle of vodka before I could tell Elliot._ " Olivia confessed, a hint of guilt covered her face. " _And some days I still don't like the fact that he knows…_ "

" _You're drinking again?_ " Fin asked in a concerned tone. He leaned off the window seal and made his way to stand in front of Olivia. She stood up, meeting his stance.

" _A little but it's being monitored and it's not very often…_ " Olivia told him. " _It's under control._ " She promised but Fin looked like he didn't believe her. She didn't much care though.

" _Tell me how you knew that I told Tucker._ " Olivia demanded.

" _It was obvious…_ " Fin told her, looking into her eyes. " _That man's never been so nice to you or me in his entire life… Ever._ " He stated. " _When he left the hospital… he was looking at you in a way I'd never seen him do… Like he felt sorry for you…_ " Fin continued. " _Tucker actually looked… sad. I knew you'd said something serious to him, confessed something bad… it doesn't take a genius to figure it out, Liv… Your pants were unbuttoned when we got to you…_ "

Olivia hugged herself and closed her eyes tightly as she looked down at her carpet. She didn't quite feel like crying but she didn't want to continue this conversation anymore.

Fin took a deep breath and Olivia heard him. She knew this was hard on him too. He loved her very much, he'd do anything for her.

She leaned herself forward into his chest, resting her forehead on his right shoulder. He took this as a cue to wrap his arms around her. She was seeking his comfort and silently giving him the okay to touch her, which is something she knew he'd be hesitant about since he had discovered she was now a rape victim.

" _Tell me what to do, baby girl._ " Fin whispered to her as he rubbed her back gently. " _Just tell me what I can do…_ "

" _You've already done it, Fin._ " Olivia told him quietly. " _You killed him._ "

They stood like that for a long time taking each other in. Fin kept having to remind himself that she was safe, she was in his arms and she was safe. Olivia enjoyed his comfort. It was different than Elliot's, it always had been. It was harder for her to let Elliot hold her like this and she didn't know why. Maybe it was before she had feelings for Elliot, maybe it's because she was terrified of fucking things up with him.

It was a while before Fin spoke up again.

" _Cragen and Munch keep calling…_ " He told her and he felt her body go rigid in his arms. " _They don't know much…_ " He added quickly and he felt her relax slightly.

Olivia leaned back and Fin dropped his arms.

" _Can you do something for me?_ " She asked him.

" _Anything,_ " he answered her automatically.

" _Tell them…_ " She whispered. " _I can't. It's getting too hard. I'm tired of talking about it. I don't want to see either of them, at least not right now…_ "

Fin nodded his head. He didn't want to tell them but Olivia was asking him to and he would do it for her.

" _Just tell them and make sure they know to keep it to themselves, that we're not letting it get out._ " She told him sternly.

" _Consider it done._ " He promised her. " _Do you uh… you want me to tell Nick too?_ "

" _Fuuuck…_ " Olivia hissed as she closed her eyes tightly and lolled her head to the side briefly. " _I completely forgot about Nick…_ " She replied. " _I don't know._ "

On one hand, Nick would be pissed if he found out the whole squad knew except for him. But on the other hand, he had been her partner and he might still be, that is if she decided to go back… Murphy would probably stay on at the one-six. It didn't look like he was going anywhere anytime soon.

Finally, Olivia came to a conclusion.

" _Tell him._ " She stated.

" _You sure?_ " He asked her.

" _Yeah… tell him._ " Olivia replied. " _And if he needs… if he needs to contact me, to call or text me, tell him he's welcome to…_ " She huffed. She honestly didn't want him to contact her but she knew if the situation had been reversed, she would need to talk to him so she wanted to keep an open line of communication.

" _You might wanna text Amanda a couple of times… she's taking this hard and I do mean hard. I don't know why but she is…_ " Fin told her.

" _Yeah, she took it hard when we talked about it too… I think there's more to the story with her than she's letting on…_ " Olivia told him while she was in thought.

" _You think something happened to her._ " Fin stated. He knew how Olivia's brain worked.

" _I think it's possible._ " She replied, instantly turning into Detective Olivia Benson again.


	33. Chapter 33

**Sorry it's been a while. I was trying to wait until fanfic got its shit together from being messed up. I think people are getting new chapter notifications now but I guess we'll see.**

 **I think I fucked up and started a new story, it's a three-shot right now called "Turmoil" but I'm thinking of writing another chapter. Go read it, it's my best story by far.**

 **This is short but I hope it'll hold y'all over. I'm not going to stop this story but I am slightly losing motivation.**

Day seven post assault.

It had been a week since Olivia Benson was raped. So far, she'd only had one flashback but Olivia knew they'd become more frequent as her PTSD set in.

That morning, she woke up on the couch in slight confusion. Looking around, she saw the sun was up, but from the looks of it, it hadn't been up for long. It was still early. Olivia also noticed that someone had draped a blanket over her body.

She then remembered how Fin had sat down on her couch and how she'd instantly put her head in his lap so he could do that thing he did with her hair that relaxed her. She must have fallen asleep because that's the last thing she remembered.

Looking around, she didn't see Fin or Elliot. Her eyes spotted take out boxes on her counter. They looked recent. She got up slowly and made her way over to them.

There was a blue sticky note stuck to the top box.

" _ **Breakfast for you and Stabler. He's asleep in your bed. – Fin**_ _._ "

Olivia smiled. He'd went out and gotten her chocolate chip pancakes no doubt. She looked to the stove, seeing that it was almost seven-thirty, she decided to go wake-up her ex-partner.

Easing the bedroom door open, she saw him. He was laying in her bed on his back and in only his boxers with one leg under the covers and the other on top of the covers. She'd never seen him this way before, this peaceful. It was too early in her recovery for her to start thinking about sex again but he was a nice sight to look at.

She left the door open and crawled up the bed, laying on her stomach beside him. For a moment, she just took him in, gazing at his chest and the scars that she could see. Most of them had come from the job but there was one scar on the side of his chest that had come from his father when Elliot was in his pre-teens. He'd told her about it in confidence but he'd never shown her. This was the first time she was able to see it up close and personal.

It was a small, jagged scar.

Elliot's father, Joe, had gotten drunk one night and decided that Elliot needed toughening up. So, after he finished his beer, Joe had taken it upon himself to break the glass bottle against Elliot's side. Not only did Joe manage to bruise and crack a couple of Elliot's ribs, but the neck of the bottle had broken due to Joe's forceful grip, causing him to bring the jagged edge of glass into Elliot's skin.

It had needed stitches but due to Elliot refusing to tell anyone or seek medical help, it had healed on its own, leaving an odd-looking scar. Elliot had been lucky. There's nothing doctors can do for bruised or cracked ribs except let them heal on their own so the hospital wouldn't have been able to do much but stitch his small would up.

Olivia reached out and ran her fingers over the scar on his chest. The skin was raised there of course, because it was a scar after all.

Elliot shifted under her touch. His eyes opened slowly and he looked to his right, seeing her lying beside him. He then shifted his eyes to her touch, where she was fingering his scar.

Olivia was propped up on one elbow and her right arm rested on Elliot's chest.

He made eye contact, trying to figure out what she was thinking. This was new to them, being like this in this state of dress and lounging in bed together.

" _I hate what he did to you…_ " Olivia whispered as she bent down and kissed his scar. Elliot took his right hand and moved her hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear.

" _Is this where you try to focus on my pain so you don't have to focus on your own?_ " He asked lightly. He knew her too well.

" _Yes…_ " She answered honestly, bending down and planting another kiss on his chest. He seemed content to be in his boxers in front of her, it's not like he hadn't been before. When he'd been undercover, she'd seen him like this. But it was taking everything he had to not get hard due to her kisses. He was semi-hard already of course, because of his "morning wood".

Her kissing his chest, or kissing his body anywhere at all was new to them. He was dumbfounded at how comfortable she currently seemed. He'd never guess she was a rape victim from her current state.

Elliot took her right hand from his chest and laced it with his left hand, laying them both across his belly.

" _I want you to go back to therapy, Liv…_ " He whispered to her, looking at her and referring to Dr. Lindstrom. " _You need to. It's been a week…_ "

" _I know._ " She told him, nodding. " _I'm gonna call today and make the appointment._ " She confessed. She'd been thinking about it for the past couple of days.

" _Okay._ " Elliot stated, giving her a small smile. He wasn't going to say any more about the topic. He knew it was hard for her to go to therapy to begin with. She didn't like it, she never had. Olivia Benson had never been one to talk about her feelings openly. " _I'm sorry for my state of dress…_ " Elliot told her. " _I was expecting to be awake before you… I was gonna put on clothes before you woke up._ " He promised her.

Olivia let out a small laugh. " _It's fine… I kinda like it…_ " She confessed.

" _Really?_ " He asked in surprise.

" _Yeah… it means you trust me… that you feel comfortable around me…_ " She told him with a small smile.

" _You're not… uncomfortable?_ " He asked slowly, looking at her face to see if he could detect a lie in whatever answer she was going to give him.

Olivia knew him too well though. She knew what he was thinking and how his thinking process worked. Elliot was worried a half-naked man in her bed would be triggering. He was scared that he'd send her into a flashback.

She took a deep breath, working up the will to speak.

" _El,_ " She said as she moved her fingers against his in their clasped hands. " _When he… He was fully clothed when he did it._ " Olivia told him quietly. " _I mean, he had his pants open but other than that, there was no skin-on-skin contact aside from the actual…_ " She was trying to delicately tell him that she hadn't really felt Lewis aside from what he had done between her legs and the couple of times his hand trailed up her front to grasp her breast as he'd come inside her.

Olivia huffed. " _You and me, this…_ " She motioned at their hands laying on her stomach and how her arm was leaned over his chest. " _I won't get triggered from skin-on-skin body contact with you… This is okay, it doesn't bother me._ "

Elliot stared at her and nodded. He could tell she was being truthful.

" _Not a trigger,_ " He stated as if he was burning it into his brain. " _Got it._ "

She gave him a small smile.

" _I uh…._ ' Elliot started again. " _I made myself an appointment._ " He confessed.

Olivia raised her eyebrows in surprise and the smile left her face immediately.

" _An appointment for what?_ " She asked, eyeing him.

" _To see my therapist…_ " He admitted.

" _Okay…_ " Olivia replied, pressing her lips together. She didn't know what to say. " _I'm sorry._ " The words rolled off her tongue before she could even process that she was saying them.

" _Don't apologize._ " He told her. Elliot knew she was apologizing for what her rape had done to him, for how it had fucked up his head. " _Don't do that._ " He told her firmly.

She remained quiet. It'd be no use in arguing with him.

" _Thanks for telling me though… When is it?_ " She asked curiously.

" _Today actually, after lunch…_ " He felt slightly guilty that he hadn't told her sooner but he'd only made the appointment yesterday and yesterday had been a bad day for her. He was lucky enough to get an appointment so soon to begin with.

If Olivia was surprised that he hadn't told her sooner, she didn't let it show.

" _I was thinking about going to lunch with Amanda…_ " Olivia told him. It was the truth although it probably seemed like she was trying to find a reason to not be alone.

" _Hmmm…_ " He hummed in thought. " _You having lunch with a girlfriend or you gonna play Detective Benson by trying to dig deeper into her past?_ " He asked, chancing a glance at her.

Her eyes narrowed at him and she pulled back, detaching her hand from his and sitting up with her feet underneath her. She was staring at him, trying to read him. When he gave her a thin smile she rolled her eyes and sighed.

" _What did Fin tell you?_ " She asked, placing her hands on her knees.

Olivia knew Fin must have let Elliot back in the apartment after she'd fallen asleep because she'd yet to give Elliot a key. Not because she didn't want to but because she hadn't had the time to get one made for him.

She was glad they'd decided not to leave her alone, not that she would have panicked or freaked out but she'd prefer to know ahead of time. She wasn't afraid of being alone. William Lewis was dead and that was something that she constantly reminded herself. Olivia had been intending to text Elliot and ask him to come back once Fin had left but she and Fin had gotten comfortable on the couch and her plans had changed.

" _He didn't tell me much…_ " He said, answering her question. " _Just that blondie was too upset for her to not have a personal connection with what happened to you. You two have never been close. You've barely gotten along… She's a distant friend at best._ " Elliot pointed out. It was okay for Olivia's assault to fuck up Fin and Elliot, they each loved her in their own way but it made no sense for it to affect Amanda so gravely.

" _Well, I'm doing neither. I'm going to ask her to lunch to prove to her that I'm okay. Fin says she's been going out of her mind…_ " Olivia said. " _And then I'm gonna go to the store because I've run out of the chocolate bars that I bought a week ago… You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?_ " She asked him, cocking an eyebrow at him.

She'd bought several bars of chocolate when she'd brought the pregnancy tests but three of those bars had mysteriously disappeared over the week. Olivia knew he'd eaten them.

" _No clue…_ " He answered with a smile.

She started laughing. " _You asshole…_ "

" _Hey, Liv?_ " He called to her.

" _Yeah?_ " She replied with a smile still on her face.

" _I like this… You and me like this… You smiling like that… I like it._ " He confessed. Elliot wanted to reach over and grab her hand but he refrained. He was worried his words alone would be too much for her.

She stopped laughing and her smile got smaller but it stayed on her face none-the-less. She bit her bottom lip and took a deep breath before replying.

" _Me too…_ " She replied in a small voice. " _But baby steps… right?_ "

" _Yeah… baby steps._ " He agreed. Elliot hadn't wanted to move forward with 'them' in any way, he had just felt the need to tell her what he was feeling in that moment. Sometimes she needed reassurance that he was still into her even though she'd been through all this shit with Lewis, so when he enjoyed a moment between them, he wanted to make sure and let her know.

" _Fin brought us breakfast…_ " She told him.

" _Really?_ " Elliot replied in surprise.

" _Yeah… So, put on some pants and meet me in the kitchen, okay?_ " She requested lightly of him.

Elliot smiled and nodded his head. Olivia moved off the bed and headed for the bedroom door. She wanted to give him privacy to get dressed even though she'd just laid in bed with him for a good few minutes while he was half naked.

While Olivia waited on him, she text Amanda to see if the blonde was free for lunch, and she was. They agreed to meet at a diner close to Olivia's apartment. It would be the first time that Olivia had been out and about since her attack and she was a bit nervous about it. She was worried she'd be triggered but she was going to go. A breath of fresh air is what Olivia needed.


	34. Chapter 34

After breakfast, Olivia decided to take a nap. She was tired, which wasn't surprising for someone in her state. The bruises on her hips were basically healed but her body was still recovering from the trauma, as was her mind and soul. So, she went to lay in bed, on top of the covers.

Turns out, the nap wasn't the greatest idea because she had a bad dream that turned into a nightmare. It was about Lewis and her sexual assault, no surprise there.

In her nightmare, she re-lived the rape. It was basically the same as when it had happened, only it was like she was standing to the side, watching herself be sexually assaulted. She was watching her own facial expression and Lewis' every move.

Olivia awoke to Elliot's hand on her shoulder. Unfortunately, she wasn't aware it was Elliot and she still had a mean right hook.

" _Fuck…_ " Elliot whispered as he staggered backwards and held the left side of his face, then opening and shutting his mouth several times to make sure his jaw wasn't actually broken.

Olivia's eyes went wide when she realized what she'd done. She shot up out of bed and walked swiftly towards him.

" _Oh god… Oh god, I'm sorry!_ " She said frantically.

Elliot held up his hand. " _It's fine… I'm fine._ " He told her. " _I know better than to touch a…_ " He couldn't bring himself to say 'victim' currently. There were times he could say it and times he couldn't. This was one of those times he couldn't. " _I know better but you weren't waking up and it seemed like some shit was happening in your head…_ " He said.

" _Let me see…_ " She told him as she moved closer, grabbing his jaw and turning his face so she could see his cheek better. " _It's gonna bruise. I'm sorry, Elliot._ "

He gave her a small smile. " _It's alright._ "

" _It's not… I hit you. That's never okay._ " She counter argued.

" _Not on purpose. It's fine, I promise._ "

Olivia huffed and had a guilty look on her face as she went in for a hug, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck. He engulfed her waist with his arms and rested his chin on her right shoulder. Elliot allowed her to hold him for a bit. This was more for her sake. He knew she needed this, she needed the comfort because she'd just technically assaulted him even though he'd never in a million years think of it like that.

He gently rubbed her back. " _Olivia, it's fine. We're fine. Don't over think this._ " He whispered to her.

She remained silent but eventually pulled back and gave him a thin smile.

" _I just have to tell people I walked into a door… It's no big deal…_ " He joked with her but she gave him a stern glare. " _Not funny._ " She told him.

" _Can I ask what it was about?_ " Elliot asked, referring to the nightmare.

Olivia made a face. " _You can ask but I'm not going to tell you._ " She told him honestly.

Elliot nodded, accepting her answer. She never had to tell him anything that she didn't want to, they both knew that. It was a mutual understanding that each other had and it went for her just as much as it did for him.

" _What time you meeting Blondie?_ " He asked lightly.

Olivia rolled her eyes. " _She has a name, you know._ " She commented on how Elliot always referred to Amanda as "Blondie". Elliot didn't much care though.

She looked at her watch. " _In about an hour. I need to shower._ " Olivia told him as she walked to the dresser, gathering clothes and underwear to take with her to the bathroom.

Elliot watched her intently, like he was trying to make sure she was okay. He was looking for signs indicating that her nightmare had done more harm than she'd let on.

The brunette began to walk to the bathroom but stopped as she approached the door.

He perked up, taking in her demeanor.

" _I'm gonna leave the bathroom door open…_ " Olivia told him as she turned around to look at him. " _I… I need it open..._ " she told him. " _Is that okay?_ "

He took a deep breath realizing she had a fear of being shut in the bathroom alone, of being in an enclosed space by herself. It was probably brought on by her most recent nightmare no doubt.

" _Yeah, yeah that's fine…._ " Elliot told her softly. " _Leave the bathroom door open, I'll leave the bedroom door open and I'll be on the couch in the living room. Yell at me if you need anything._ "

Olivia bit her bottom lip. " _Thanks…_ " She whispered and scurried off to the bathroom.

Later, Elliot figured Olivia must have been okay because he never heard her call for him and he'd even kept the TV volume on low just in case. Olivia came out of the bedroom dressed in jeans and a casual blue shirt. Her hair was dried and slightly styled. She even had a bit of make up on. Olivia was obviously trying to look like she normally would on a work day minus the casual wear. She was trying to show Amanda that she was fine.

The brunette still felt naked though, because she didn't have her gun or badge. She hadn't gotten them back yet but if she had to guess, they were probably at the precinct waiting for her in Murphy's desk drawer, which was her old desk. Olivia almost rolled her eyes at the thought.

" _How do I look?_ " Olivia said in a small voice as she walked into the living room where Elliot was nestled on the couch.

A big smile broke out on his face. " _You look good, Liv._ "

" _Thanks…_ " She gave him a small smile back. Then walked to the counter to pick her purse up and sling it over her shoulder.

" _Alright…_ " Olivia told him as a way of telling him bye. She walked to the door and stopped abruptly, realizing that this was truly the first time she'd be out in public around other people since her attack. She was scared all the sudden and she hated herself for it. She hated that her body was betraying her again. Olivia didn't want to be scared, she wanted to function like a normal human being going to meet a friend for lunch.

" _You didn't think I'd let you walk to the diner by yourself, did you?_ " Elliot's voice came from behind her. She realized he was standing directly behind her. She could tell, not just because of his voice, but because she could feel his presence. Her body was tingling because he was near. It was like they were partners again. She could always sense when he was in the room with her even if she hadn't seen him yet.

" _You don't have to… I'm fine._ " She whispered, not turning around.

" _Don't do that… please…_ " He almost begged.

She swallowed hard. " _Do what?_ " She asked, even though she didn't really have to.

" _Lie._ " Came Elliot's low voice.

Olivia turned around to face him. He was standing close.

" _I refuse to admit that I'm weak._ " She told him fiercely.

Elliot shook his head at her. " _You're not weak, Liv. You're just going through something right now._ "

She huffed and lowered her shoulders and head in defeat.

" _Come on…_ " He told her as he placed a hand gently on her back. She hadn't even realized he'd turned off the TV and put on his jacket while she was fetching her purse.

" _Wait, you don't have a key to get back in._ " She told him.

" _Yeah I do…_ " He told her.

Olivia gave him a questioning look.

" _Fin went and had me one made after you fell asleep on the couch. He took your keys and went to Walmart. They were the only place open that late. He called me and let me back in before he left. Didn't want you to be here alone…_ " Elliot told her. " _He came back to bring me the key. Left it in my pocket like he'd promised and I guess that's when he left breakfast too…_ "

" _I love that man…_ " Olivia stated and Elliot laughed.

" _Yeah… he's not too bad,_ " He joked with her.

They left the apartment and locked her door behind them. Olivia's anxiety started to rise as they got in the elevator. Then it rose even more when the elevator dinged and the doors opened on the ground floor.

Elliot put a hand lightly on her back and guided her through the elevator doors once he realized that she wasn't going to move.

" _It's alright_ ," He whispered to her as they walked to the front doors of her building. " _I got your six, you know that. Don't forget it._ "

She didn't respond and she didn't look at him, but a small smile briefly graced her lips.

When they got out to the sidewalk, Elliot made sure that he was walking on the outside by traffic and she was on the inside next to the buildings, just like it should be.

It was near lunch time so there was a lot of foot traffic. Many people were on the side walk and some of them were coming into close proximity to Olivia. She hadn't anticipated how she would react. Her body was shaking slightly and she knew she probably had a 'deer in the headlights' kind of look on her face. Olivia was starting to sweat too.

She looked to Elliot for help.

He instantly wrapped his right arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to him. To everyone else on the street, they'd look like a lovey-dovey normal couple but to Olivia, he was her security blanket. She immediately felt safer in his arms.

Olivia rested her head on his shoulder as they walked. It didn't take long to get to the diner. She'd chosen one closet to her building on purpose.

When they got in front of the building, Olivia could see through the window that the blonde had already arrived and was waiting for her at a table.

They stopped a couple of feet from the door.

" _You gonna be okay?_ " He asked. " _I'll get a table in the back and wait for you to be done…_ " Elliot offered.

She shook her head. " _No… If you stay, Amanda will know something's up and you'd be late for your appointment anyways. I'll be fine._ "

" _If she offers to walk you back, you let her._ " Elliot told Olivia as he removed his arm from around her.

She nodded in understanding.

" _Text me or call if you need anything…_ " Elliot whispered to her.

Olivia leaned in to give him a quick hug, whispered a "thanks" in his ear. He smiled back at her and watched her walk through the door. Elliot waited until Olivia had made it to the table that Amanda was at before he began to walk away.

The blonde had been watching them and when Elliot made eye contact with her, she put her hand up and gave him a small wave. He returned the gesture and then started walking towards Olivia's apartment.

" _So, that's going well, huh?_ " The blonde commented, nodding her head in the direction that Elliot had left.

" _Oh… yeah, I guess…_ " Olivia replied. She couldn't tell Amanda that they were taking things slow because Olivia was positive the younger woman had just watched them walk up together. Elliot's arm wrapped tightly around Olivia and then that goodbye hug… Olivia didn't want to tell Amanda it was mainly because of her anxiety on the way there.

" _I'm not gonna lie… he's easy on the eyes…_ " Amanda told Olivia with a smile.

Olivia cocked one eyebrow. " _You've had Nick and I'm pretty sure you got with Murphy when you were undercover or afterwards… AND correct me if I'm wrong, but you fancy Tucker too…_ " The older woman stated. " _Elliot's mine._ " She commented, not in a rude way but more so a possessive way.

Amanda's eyes went wide. " _You knew about Murphy the whole time?_ "

" _I'm a detective, Amanda… Well, Sergeant now but you get the idea…_ " Olivia gave her a small smile to let her know that the knowledge in no way threatened her job. " _I don't judge you for it… I just… He's mine, okay?_ " Olivia said in a small voice. " _Well not really, not yet but we're getting there… it's headed that way…_ " Olivia sighed, she now regretted saying anything at all about her love life and Amanda's.

" _I wouldn't… I'd never… you gotta know that?_ " The blonde almost started to panic.

" _I do, I do… it's just… I wanted to voice it… it makes me feel better, alright?_ " Olivia admitted.

Amanda nodded like she understood.

" _You ordered yet?_ " The brunette asked, changing the subject.

" _Nah… waiting on you, Sergeant._ " Amanda told her and Olivia rolled her eyes.

" _Just call me Olivia. At least while I'm on leave…_ "

Amanda smiled at her.

The waitress walked over upon seeing that Amanda's plus one had arrived and she took their orders. Olivia played with the paper from her straw as silence engulfed them.

" _I hear you've been staying at Fin's…_ " Olivia decided to break the ice.

" _Only a few days…_ " Amanda commented. " _I'm back at home now._ "

Olivia gave her a thin smile.

" _You know,_ " The older woman started. " _What happened to me affects us all. It's okay to not be okay… that's something that I've had to learn through this entire Lewis ordeal…_ " Olivia told her, her face softening as she watched Amanda's facial features to see if she could get a read on the woman.

She'd told Elliot that she wasn't going to play "Detective Olivia Benson" but it was so easy to slip into the role.

" _I'm sorry I broke down on you in the car…_ " Amanda told her lightly, referring to when she'd driven Olivia home from the hospital. " _I just… I wasn't expecting… what you told me wasn't what I had expected to hear…_ " The blond tried to explain.

" _It's okay…_ " Olivia told her. " _We all handle trauma differently. I'm a… victim now… a real rape victim._ " She took a deep breath. " _And that makes my family and friends co-victims. It's how it goes. We all know that._ " She reminded the younger woman.

Amanda had a sad smile on her face. She just looked sad in general but like she was trying to be happy and perky. It wasn't working though.

" _To be honest,_ " Olivia told her. " _I prefer your reaction over Fin's…_ " She said huffing and looking out the window beside her at all the people passing by.

Amanda raised her eyebrows in question.

" _I have two new holes in the living room wall of my apartment…_ " Olivia told her, taking a sip of her water.

" _Funny…_ " Amanda stated. " _I have some fresh holes in my apartment walls as well…_ "

" _Nick?_ " Olivia asked.

Amanda nodded.

Olivia pressed her lips together. " _How's that going?_ " She asked.

The blonde glanced around the diner before focusing back on Olivia. " _The divorce papers are signed. He's just waiting for them to be finalized…_ "

Olivia nodded but kept quiet.

" _I'm not… we're not… that's over with…_ " Amanda tried to tell her.

The brunette threw her hands up. " _It's your business. I wasn't being nosey, I was just trying to be a concerned friend… I'm off duty. I don't go back to work for several weeks…_ " And that was if she goes back to work at all, but Olivia didn't want to say that to Amanda yet.

" _Olivia,_ " Amanda started, looking at her sternly. " _It's over between me and him._ "

The older woman bunched her eyebrows together.

" _Did something happen?_ " Olivia questioned.

" _I was a rebound, I know that… I knew it from the beginning, it's part of why… it's complicated okay. I'm just… it's not happening. He can find someone else to screw…_ " Amanda told her honestly with a touch of anger.

" _Okay then…_ " Olivia commented. She wanted to comment on it further but their food arrived. Both women moved their drinks out of the way so the waitress could hand out the plates of food.

They began fixing the food how they liked. Both woman had gotten a different kind of burger which came with a variety of dressings. They had an overflow of fries.

" _God, this is delicious…_ " Olivia stated as she took the first bite of her burger.

Amanda watched the older woman as she closed her eyes, enjoying her food.

" _You haven't been out of your apartment since it happened, have you?_ " She observed.

Olivia grabbed a napkin to wipe her mouth. " _Why do you say that?_ " She questioned, chewing her food.

" _Because you're attacking that burger like you haven't seen decent food in days…_ " Amanda told her. Granted, a greasy burger may not be considered 'decent' food but it was delicious.

" _Elliot could have gone out and gotten me something… or Fin for that matter. Just this morning, he brought us breakfast._ " Olivia said matter-of-factly.

Amanda stared at Olivia. She knew the woman hadn't been out of her apartment since the attack, she could tell by the way she was dodging the questions.

" _Fine…_ " Olivia sighed in frustration. Sometimes she hated that most of her friends were detectives. " _You're right._ " She told the blonde, then put her burger back on her plate, wiped her hands, and ran a hand through her hair out of a nervous habit. " _I'm okay though, Amanda. I'm fine._ " She tried.

The younger woman gave her a small smile.

" _I am, really. I may not be completely recovered but I'm working on it… and the first few days I physically couldn't leave my apartment because of… some injuries._ " Olivia felt stupid, like she had to justify herself to her subordinate.

" _How are you doing?_ " Olivia asked, trying to turn the table on the conversation.

" _I'm fine._ " The blonde said quickly, in an Olivia Benson kind of way.

" _You're about as convincing as I am…_ " Olivia replied as she picked up her burger to take another bite.

Amanda laughed lightly. " _Yeah… we're quite the pair…_ " She said, gazing out the window now.

" _Seriously, how are you? I know it was rough, Fin told me you were having a hard time…_ " Olivia hoped Fin didn't mind her ratting him out.

" _When you became our superior officer, did you go through our personal files?_ " She asked Olivia.

" _I already knew you all, I didn't feel the need to go through your jackets…_ " Olivia stated. It was usually standard procedure for a superior officer to look through the subordinate's personal files when they first started the job but Olivia was from the same unit so she hadn't felt the need to. " _Should I have?_ " She questioned.

" _I wish you had…_ " Amanda confessed.

" _What would I have found if I did?_ " The older woman asked setting her burger down. Things were getting serious now and Amanda had stopped eating several minutes ago.

The blonde took a deep breath. " _I was assaulted in Atlanta. It's why I came here._ " She told Olivia.

The brunette was surprised. She thought it'd take a lot of coaxing to get this kind of information out of the younger woman. She was surprised Amanda had offered it up so easily.

Olivia swallowed. " _What kind of assault are we talking about here?_ " She asked softly, slipping back into detective mode. Olivia was using her victim voice but it didn't even register to her, it just came natural and if Amanda had noticed, she'd decided not to comment on it.

" _Sexual._ " Amanda said in a small voice.

" _How far did it go?_ " Olivia asked gently, making eye contact with the blonde.

" _All the way…_ " She told her as she broke their gaze and chose to look out the window again.

" _Amanda… I'm so sorry… I…_ " Olivia didn't know what to say or do. Usually, she'd have a whole speech planned for the victim but this wasn't just any victim, this was Amanda, a colleague and friend. " _Cragen knew about this?_ "

" _He knew there was an assault. I didn't talk much about it to him. He asked me some standard questions and I answered enough for him to say I was mentally stable enough to handle being in this unit but he never knew how far the assault went. I'm just… I'm telling you know. It went all the way. I was… I was raped._ " The words were hard for her to spit out. Not because she wasn't past the incident but because she didn't say them often. " _Look,_ " Amanda said, continuing eye contact with Olivia. " _This isn't something I tell people. No one else in our unit knows… I need to keep it that way._ "

" _No one in our squad will find out from me, I swear…_ " Olivia vowed. " _I'm… I'm so sorry, Amanda._ " Olivia repeated.

" _It's fine… I'm fine. And not the fake "I'm fine" that you throw at people, the real one. I'm okay. I went to therapy, I haven't been triggered in years. I don't have flashbacks or nightmares anymore._ " Amanda told her. " _I won't lie… I had a few moments after your attack… I almost relapsed with the gambling but I went to Fin._ "

" _I'm so happy you did, Amanda._ " Olivia told her with loving eyes. " _Please, please don't ever relapse because of me. I'll be okay._ " She told her with a warm smile.

" _He was the chief… he got me alone one night in his office. It only happened once…_ " Amanda started.

" _Oh, no… you don't have to-_ "

" _No, it's okay…_ " Amanda promised her. " _It happened once. I reported it. No one believed me because well… let's just say I didn't have the best reputation back then…_ " She looked down at her lap in thought. " _Kinda like a don't have a good reputation now…_ " Amanda huffed, running a hand down her face. She truly hoped she wasn't becoming the precinct slut. " _Anyways, it was a big mess. I was basically pushed out of the unit. I transferred out as soon as I could and as far away as I could…_ "

" _What happened to him?_ " Olivia wondered out loud.

" _Last I heard, he got an award for busting some big operation down in Atlanta…_ " Amanda replied, looking at Olivia.

" _Oh, honey…_ " Olivia whispered in sorrow once she realized that Amanda's rapist had never gone to prison or been punished for his crimes. But the blonde wasn't sad, she didn't cry or shed a single tear.

Amanda propped her elbows and hand on the table in front of her.

" _It's alright. I've accepted it. I accused him in front of the whole town. They have all been warned… I did all that I could do. I'm over it._ " Amanda promised her.

Olivia looked at her with caring eyes. She felt bad for the blond. Her rapist was dead and cold, six feet in the ground and Amanda's was still at large.

" _If you ever need to talk… I don't care if I come back to work and I'm your superior officer or not… I'm here for you._ " Olivia told her, reaching out a hand across the table to lightly squeeze Amanda's hand in a comforting gesture. " _And for the record, I'll never judge you for having sex. Maybe you don't always pick the best guys but I've been there… Olivia Benson had her wild days…_ "

Amanda scoffed.

" _I did!_ " Olivia argued. " _The first few years that I started in this unit, I'd hit a bar after the hard cases. I wasn't looking for a drink, I was looking for a man. I got my stress out with sex…_ " The older woman told her. " _Sometimes I just wanted someone to fuck me so I could forget about the dead kids that I'd seen that day or the pedophile that walked free because we couldn't get enough evidence. It was rough…_ "

Amanda gave her a sad smile. " _Wow…_ "

" _Yeah… I had to learn how to handle the sorrow and pain of working at SVU._ "

The blonde nodded.

" _So, tell me. How are you truly doing?_ " Amanda asked and Olivia retracted her hand.

" _I'm doing good. Elliot has been a big help. Huge actually._ " She slightly lied about doing good.

" _Really?_ " Amanda asked.

" _Yeah. He's been supportive and making sure that I eat and that my depression and anxiety don't consume me…_ " She told her.

" _Is that really turning into something real?_ " Amanda hesitantly asked.

" _I don't know…. I have to get through the sexual assault first. I'm still at the victim stage, I've got to get to the survivor stage before I can really start anything with him._ " Olivia commented.

Amanda laughed.

" _What?_ " Olivia asked, almost wanting to laugh too just because Amanda's laugh was so contagious.

" _He had a really goofy, lovey-dovey grin on his face when he dropped you off at the door… you've already started something, Liv…_ "

Olivia rolled her eyes. " _Yeah, I know… don't remind me…_ " She sighed. " _We're just taking it day-by-day… his wife's been real supportive though._ "

Amanda's eyes shot up. " _Wife?_ "

" _Ex-wife._ " Olivia corrected herself quickly. " _Ex-wife… I'm still getting use to that myself._ "

They finished eating and shared some more laughs. When they were done, Amanda took the bill and offered to pay it. She really wouldn't take no for an answer but Olivia felt weird about it. She hadn't had a girlfriend like this since Alex Cabot was around and even now, she and Amanda weren't on that friend level, at least not yet.

They walked out of the diner together and began walking towards Olivia's apartment. Olivia didn't ask Amanda to go with her and Amanda never offered. It just happened so Olivia went with the flow.

They chatted a bit about random things. Olivia stayed close to Amanda and while the blonde noticed, she didn't dare comment on it.

" _When are you gonna take the tests?_ " Amanda asked, finally getting gup the nerve to mention the pregnancy tests she'd seen.

" _I don't know… I think four weeks is when you're supposed to do it? That's the most accurate time or something like that?_ " Olivia replied. She'd honestly kept them out of her mind ever since she'd deposited them into her bathroom drawer.

" _It should be on the box I think._ " Amanda replied.

Olivia nodded. The blonde was probably right. Olivia hadn't taken the time to read the information on the box and to be honest, she kind of didn't want to.

They passed a grocery store and Olivia stopped.

" _I need to go in here…_ " Olivia told Amanda. She wasn't about to as the blonde to come with her, she wasn't going to admit that she was weak. It was odd, because a week ago, Olivia had entered the same store by herself while the blonde waited in the car but now that Olivia's PTSD was setting in for the third time in her life, her nerves were getting the best of her.

" _Alright,_ " Amanda replied as she headed for the store, which was her way of telling Olivia that she was going to accompany her whether she liked it or not.

The store was almost completely empty. It was around one thirty now and the crowd had died down. It'd pick back up around four thirty. This made Olivia feel much more comfortable. She was able to walk down the tiny isles by herself instead of needing Amanda by her side.

However, it would have been better to have the blonde with her because then maybe she wouldn't have put the twelve 'shot glass size' baby bottles of vodka in her small hand basked that the store used for shopping carts. Olivia also picked up some chocolate bars, making sure to get more than she did last time. She was counting on Elliot to steal some.

Then she got some feminine products. Olivia would need tampons within the next week or two when she got her period… if she got her period.

Olivia walked over to the chips and picked out a couple of bags plus some dip. It was hard for her to get an appetite lately but she loved junk food and eating that was better than nothing. Then she picked up some things to make sandwiches: bread, cheese, mayo, honey mustard, lettuce, chicken breast and ham slices. She even grabbed a jar of pickles.

When she was checking out, she let the cashier scan the tiny bottles of vodka first. She didn't want Amanda to see them. Olivia knew this was bad and she didn't know why she was buying them or if she even intended on drinking them. Maybe it was just a random impulse buy?

As the last few items were being rung up, Amanda joined her, getting in line behind her. The woman had gotten herself some candy and a soda.

After they both paid, they continued their walk back to Olivia's apartment in silence.

Once at the front of the building, Olivia decided it was time to tell the blonde goodbye.

" _Thanks for meeting with me today…_ " Olivia told her.

" _I enjoyed lunch… I think we should do it again sometime…_ " Amanda said shyly. They'd never been the best of friends. Olivia had always been stronger than Amanda. It's what made her a good fit to be the superior officer of the unit but the blonde wanted them to be friends. Especially now since they had something in common, even if it was a terrible, terrible thing.

Olivia smiled and agreed.

" _I… do I hug you? How does this go?_ " Amanda asked.

Olivia laughed.

" _You can hug me, Amanda…_ "

Then came the awkward hug that lasted a second too long but it was okay. Neither women was used to having girlfriends around clearly.

" _Oh, before I forget…_ " Amanda stated, grabbing her purse and unzipping it. " _Here. Murphy said to give these to you._ " She told her.

Amanda handed over a plastic bag that contained Olivia's gun and badge.

" _I didn't think it'd be a good idea to just whip this out in the middle of the diner…_ " Amanda joked.

" _I…_ " Olivia was speechless as she grabbed the bag and stared at the contents. She hadn't expected to have her gun and badge back in her possession so soon. " _Um… thanks…_ " She told Amanda, even though she didn't know if she'd ever be able to put either one on ever again.

" _Alright, well… see ya around._ " Amanda waved as she walked away.

Olivia stared at the bag still as she walked into her building. Then finally, she slipped it into one of her grocery bags as she got into the elevator, feeling like it'd be best in case there were people on the elevator.

Surprisingly enough, Olivia made it back to her apartment by herself without panicking. She put her groceries where they belonged in the fridge and cabinet, then decided on putting her twelve mini bottles of vodka in the drawer beside her bed, on her side that contained her small collection of vibrators and a few condoms that she wouldn't use before they expired. She figured it'd be the safest place because most men knew never to look there because sexual things were always kept in a drawer by the bedside.

Then, Olivia went to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine. After that was done, she ran herself a bubble bath, lighting candles around the bathroom. Olivia Benson was set on making herself relax this afternoon.

 **Thoughts?**


	35. Chapter 35

Olivia Benson sat in her bathtub full of bubbles. There were several candles lit around her, so many that she hadn't needed the bathroom light on. Plus, the bathroom door was open so the daylight was coming through too. She'd left her bedroom door open as well, just as she had earlier that morning. It was a comfort to her for some reason.

Her hair was up in a clip and her glass of wine was now empty and on the floor beside the tub.

Relaxation. That's what she was experiencing for the first time in forever it seemed. Olivia felt like she could breathe, actually breathe. Until her flashback that is…

It was quick and consisted of dark nature as always. Some things Lewis had said to her while he was sexually assaulting her. The flashback kept going back and forth between the first time and second time he'd had her in his clasp.

One minute she was in the tub, the next minute she was on the bathroom floor on all fours. She'd managed to maneuver herself out of the tub when she realized she was on the brink of the flashback because she was worried she might drown.

It took her a few moments to get her surroundings in check and catch her breath. The flashback was bad, but then again, they all were.

After she'd calmed herself down, she grabbed an extra towel to put on the floor because she'd gotten water and bubbles everywhere. Then she tried to gracefully slip back into the tub but she was shaking. She also hadn't shaved her legs in almost two weeks but now that was out of the question.

Olivia had been back in the tub for about fifteen minutes when in the faint distance, her ears picked up on her front door opening and shutting. She willed herself not to panic because she knew it was only Elliot.

" _Liv?_ " He called out to the apartment.

" _In here._ " She responded loudly so he'd hear her.

She heard his footsteps get louder, alerting her that he was approaching.

" _Liv?_ " He called out once more but this time he was in the bedroom.

" _Come in here._ " She called to him.

Elliot walked in through the doorway of the bathroom and turned to the left without thinking, walking in further.

" _I- Oh shit!_ " He said as he realized that she wasn't just taking her makeup off or brushing her teeth, but she was in fact in the tub.

Elliot immediately turned his back to her and covered his eyes as he faced the wall opposite of the tub.

" _I'm sorry, Liv. I'm so fucking sorry._ " He told her quickly.

Olivia made a face even though he couldn't see her.

" _It's fine, El. You can't see anything. The bubbles are covering me._ " She told him as she tried to keep her voice steady.

And the bubbles were covering her. She'd probably used too much of the bubble stuff because there was an abundant amount…

Elliot remained quiet and facing the wall.

" _Elliot, it's fine, really…_ " She told him honestly. " _I wouldn't have called you in here if I was uncomfortable with it…_ " That was true. Even though she was in the tub, she felt safer with him around especially after the flashback. And to be fair, he'd seen his share of her over the years during undercover operations and after the first Lewis attack, she'd showed him her chest even though she'd had a bra on.

He huffed.

" _I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable… I just thought…_ " Olivia started.

" _You're not, Liv. But I… I just…_ "

" _You what?_ " She asked gently, sitting up straight but bubbles continued to surround her.

He blew out a breath of air and shook his head.

" _You in a bubble bath with your hair up like that and candles?_ " He said lightly. " _You gotta know what that does to a man._ " Elliot took his right hand and lightly pinched the bridge of his nose as he closed his eyes briefly.

Her eyes went wide at the realization that he was turned on. The fact that he hadn't turned around meant that he was probably hard but she didn't know if he was embarrassed about it, if he was uncomfortable with it, or if he was trying to save her from being embarrassed and uncomfortable.

" _Oh…_ " She replied.

Olivia had become so comfortable around him lately that she had forgotten to take his feelings into account too. She'd laid in bed with him this morning while he was just in his boxers. They were becoming more and more comfortable with each other. It was a good thing, but she couldn't forget that he was still a man after all. That he had urges and that certain things would get him stimulated.

" _You um… I really cause you to… react… like that?_ " She whispered. She felt like crying.

Elliot let out a small laugh and shook his head again.

" _Are you kidding, Liv?_ " He asked. " _For the better part of our partnership you caused me to react like this…_ "

She smiled to herself.

" _I'm aware of that… I mean, we admitted there was feelings and attraction there._ " She told him. " _What I'm saying is… even now I still cause you to… even after all that's happened to me, after everything I've told you so far, you…_ " Olivia was having trouble finishing her sentences. Tears were forming in her eyes.

Elliot took a deep breath when he realized where the conversation was going.

He wanted to turn around so he could look at her but there was a tent in his pants and he was worried that would make her uncomfortable. He didn't want her to think that he wanted sex. Elliot wanted to have sex with her of course but that was months down the road, if it was even on the road at all and he'd never pressure her. Even if she never wanted to have sex again, he'd be fine.

" _Olivia,_ " He called out to her as he braced both hands on his hips. " _You're a vision. Honestly, you are. I don't know how else to put it. You're smart, you have an amazing heart, and your body is… well, you get the idea, okay?_ " He told her honestly. " _There's nothing that he could have done to you that would make me unattracted to you… nothing._ " He whispered his last sentence.

Olivia sniffled and he bowed his head at the realization that he'd made her upset.

" _I didn't mean to make you cry…_ " He said in a small voice.

His hard on was slowly going away at the seriousness of the conversation and the realization that she was getting emotional.

" _I'm fine…_ " She lied.

He rolled his eyes but she couldn't see that. Elliot hated when she said she was fine. It was like she was basically taping a huge sign on her forehead that said, "I'm not okay!"

" _Just… don't doubt my attraction to you, okay?_ " He asked of her.

" _El, turn around… please?_ " She almost begged him. He had no choice but to comply. She was breaking his heart.

He slowly turned around. The tent in his pants was significantly smaller but not completely gone. It didn't seem to matter though because she was solely focused on his eyes and more so, his cheek where she'd hit him.

" _Jesus…_ " She whispered. The bruise on his face was more evident now. She'd definitely clocked him good earlier.

Her face was wet from the silent tears and her hands were dry because they'd been out of the water for so long.

He licked his lips subconsciously as he made eye contact with her.

" _I'm gonna go in the bedroom. You finish up in here then we can talk, okay?_ " Elliot could tell something else was wrong. He wasn't sure if something had happened at her lunch with Amanda or what but he could read Olivia right now and his instincts were telling him that she was off kilter, that something was wrong.

Olivia took a deep breath.

" _Okay._ " She responded.

She was pretty much done with her bath anyways and the water was getting cold. She got out and pulled the plug after grabbing a towel. She blew the candles out. Olivia had gotten use to changing in the bathroom so she was in the new habit of keeping pairs of sweat pants and t-shirts in the bottom drawer under the sink. She also took her hair down and let it cascade around her shoulders.

Elliot was laying on the bed in his socks, jeans, and shirt with both hands related behind his head.

" _Hey…_ " He hummed as she walked out of the bathroom and put her towel in the dirty laundry bin. " _You still up for talking?_ " He asked, wondering if she had changed her mind the past few minutes.

Olivia looked at him from across the room.

" _How did your therapy appointment go?_ " She asked gently.

" _Good… why?_ " He cocked an eyebrow at her, knowing there was an agenda behind her question.

" _Because I'm about to talk a little about Lewis with you and I just wanted to make sure you were up for that…_ " Olivia told him honestly.

He swallowed but remained in the same position. " _Lay it on me._ "

" _I had a flashback earlier…_ " She told him as she paced the room.

Elliot instantly felt bad. He should have been with her to help her and make sure she was okay afterwards.

" _While you were at lunch with Amanda?_ " He asked as he focused on her features to try and get a better read.

Olivia shook her head. " _While I was in the tub._ "

" _I'm sorry I wasn't here…_ " Elliot whispered.

" _I'm glad you weren't._ " She told him quickly.

" _Why?_ " He asked.

" _Because I didn't want your first naked view of me to be while I was on the bathroom floor sprawled out like an idiot, trying catch my breath and get my bearings…_." Olivia answered honestly with a lopsided smile.

Elliot gave her a sad, small smile. " _I wouldn't have minded what state you were in, Liv. I would have helped you anyways._ "

" _I would have minded._ " She told him.

He nodded.

" _For future reference, if you have a flashback in the bathroom or shower, you don't want me to come in?_ " Elliot asked lightly.

She shook her head as she paced the room with her hands in the pockets of her sweat pants and stared at the floor. His eyes followed her.

" _No, I want you to come in full speed and get me out of it as soon as you can, El._ " She told him truthfully, looking up to make eye contact. " _I'd rather be embarrassed at you seeing me in that state rather than spend another few minutes alone with Lewis…_ " She visibly shuttered at the thought.

Elliot nodded. " _Alright._ " He said quietly. " _I'll be there in a heartbeat, Liv. As soon as I can, I swear._ "

Olivia huffed as she walked over to the opposite side of the bed and sat down Indian style, next to his right, facing him.

" _William Lewis was a master at psychological torture._ " Olivia began telling him a bit about her time with Lewis and Elliot was listening closely. " _When I was with him the first time, during those four days… it was hell. Not just normal hell but psychological hell too. I was on a mixture of meth and alcohol. I was in and out of it. He did terrible things to me and then to other people in front of me… well, you know. I've told you a bit about that…_ " She was surprised that tears hadn't graced her face yet.

Elliot's face remained passive as he listened closely to her talk.

" _He'd whisper things to me, tell me things in my high state because he knew they'd stick with me forever, they'd be burned into my brain._ " Olivia confided in him. " _I know you like me, El. I know we're close and that I can trust you. I know we have feelings and that we care for each other… I know all of these things but sometimes I still I have Lewis in the back of my mind telling me shit…_ "

He pressed his lips together in a thin line but remained silent.

" _I can't get him out of my head sometimes. He fucked my head up, messed with my mind during both times that he had me._ " She told him. " _I try not to listen to his voice but it's there on some days and I can't always tune him out._ " It was true. Sometimes his voice would enter her mind out of nowhere and she'd be confronted with things he'd said to her. " _I was getting better. It had almost stopped completely and I was good again but then…_ " She trailed off.

" _Then he broke out of jail and started killing and raping people again…_ " He finished for her.

" _Yeah… and then I went to meet up with him to save Amelia and he fucked me up real good…_ " Olivia said with a sniffle as her tears finally fail and she used the back of her right hand to wipe her face off.

Elliot's right hand reached for her left one. She saw what he was trying to do and her hand met his halfway. He immediately interlaced their fingers.

" _Tell me some of the things he said… what's stuck in your head?_ " He asked lightly.

" _I don't know if I can do that…_ " She whispered, closing her eyes tightly and tucking her hair behind her ear.

" _Please?_ " Elliot added, giving her hand a squeeze for support. " _I'm not going anywhere no matter what you tell me, Liv._ " He just didn't want her to bear everything on her shoulders alone. He wanted to help her carry that weight.

Olivia thought for a moment, trying to decide if she really wanted Elliot to know some of the things Lewis had said and the things she dreamed, what she heard in her mind some days.

She finally nodded, agreeing to his request.

" _Well, he told me I was ruined… that I was a lousy cop because I couldn't even fight him off…_ " Olivia said.

" _He said things about how no one would want me after he ruined me… no one would be able to look at my body and be turned on after he branded me…_ " She sniffled as her tears came. " _No man would want to be inside me after a monster like him destroyed me…_ " She whispered. " _And he did destroy me…_ "

" _When I… the orgasms… he called me a sick fuck because of it. He knew about my father… I don't know how but… he knew. Said I got off on rape, that it must run in the family. He said he wouldn't be surprised if I was a rapist myself… one of NYPD's finest also a rapist…_ " Her tears were still falling.

Elliot shook his head and tugged on her hand so she'd come closer. Olivia unhooked her legs and released his hand, then crawled towards him slowly until she was right at his side. He pulled her closer so that she was sitting up against his chest with her right elbow propped over his torso, facing him as she leaned against him.

" _Can I ask you something?_ " He interjected while she was taking a breath.

" _You can ask…_ " She whispered. " _But I can't promise I can answer you…_ "

" _Understood._ " He nodded. " _The… orgasms…_ " Elliot said and she looked at him waiting for the question. " _Were they the first time he had you or the second time?_ " He asked, making sure to reach down and grab her hand for encouragement.

Olivia bit her lip and closed her eyes. " _Both…_ " She whispered as tears flooded her face. " _I'm sick, El._ "

He shook his head and pulled her down onto his chest and engulfed her in his arms.

" _You're not. Your body reacted… you know how it goes._ " He whispered, then kissed the top of her head and she buried her face in his chest. Elliot stoked her back lightly. " _I still want you all the same. I need you to know that, Liv. What he did to you, how your body reacted, I still want a relationship with you… a… a life with you._ " He confessed.

Elliot felt her run her right hand up the side of his neck and into his hair, then she brought it to his face and caressed his cheek even though she was still face planting into his torso. He smiled at her touch because it was her way of telling him that she felt the same way even if she couldn't verbally say it at the moment. Elliot loved her touch.

After a few seconds, she pushed herself up and he dropped his arms from around her. Olivia wiped her face off and resumed her position of being propped up on his chest and she looked at him with loving eyes.

" _You're the only one that knows besides Dr. Lindstrom and I want to keep it that way… I need to keep it that way…_ " She almost begged of him.

" _I'd never tell a soul._ " He replied. " _And he was wrong… you know that._ " Elliot told her firmly, looking in her eyes. " _You're not your father or your mother. You are Olivia Benson._ "

" _I know I'm not a rapist, El… I've done so much research on the supposed "rape gene". I've talked to doctors, therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists. I know that stuff isn't genetic._ " She told him, lifting her left hand to wipe her face again. He reached over to grab her a tissue from the box on her night stand.

" _The other stuff he said, that was wrong too. You aren't ruined… you're a little messed up, yeah but who wouldn't be after going through that?_ " Elliot stated as she took the tissue from him and wiped under her eyes and then her nose. " _I don't think he destroyed you, Liv._ " He told her

She cocked her head to the side and kept the tissue in her right hand as she relaxed it back on his chest. " _You don't?_ " She asked in a small voice.

" _No._ " Elliot simply replied, shaking his head lightly. " _I just think… he hurt your soul. That man did unspeakable things to you and I think it weighs heavy on your mind and heart. He broke your spirit._ " He took a deep breath. " _He took a piece of you with him but we're gonna fix it… it'll take some time but things will change._ " He promised her, squeezing her hand again.

Olivia bit her bottom lip.

" _What else did he say, Liv?_ " Elliot knew he wasn't getting the full story but he also knew that he wouldn't get it today. It was something that Olivia had to do in pieces like chapters of a book.

" _He said you wouldn't want me…_ " She hesitantly told him.

" _Me specifically?_ " He questioned, giving her a confused look.

" _Yeah, remember how I told you I talked about you, my ex-partner. How he started saying things about you, how he could tell we'd been close… too close…_ " She reminded him.

" _Yeah, I remember._ " Elliot told her.

" _Well, he seemed to be able to read me like a book. He told me you wouldn't want me because of how he fucked up my body. He also knew you were at the courthouse. I don't know if he noticed me staring at you when I testified or if he saw us together talking… but he knew who you were and what you looked like._ "

She sniffled. Olivia honestly didn't want to tell him about the next part but she figured getting as much off her chest as she could would be a good thing. She longed for the day that Elliot finally knew everything that had happened to her so she wouldn't have to talk about it anymore but even then, she knew she'd have bad days and need to talk it out. Hopefully, Elliot would still be around for that.

Olivia ran a hand through her hair and then pushed it behind her ear again even though she doubted it would stay there for long.

" _When he um… when he was…when he r-raped…_ " She took a deep breath as her tears fell onto his shirt.

Elliot's eyes watered as he realized what was about to be said.

" _He talked about me while he was raping you?_ " Elliot asked carefully, sitting up suddenly but not so suddenly that Olivia didn't have time to remove herself from lounging on his chest. He could have sworn it was one of the hardest sentences to ever come out of his mouth.

She closed her eyes tightly as she sat up straight and he turned directly towards her, sitting on his ass with his knees bent, bracing himself on the headboard.

" _What did that bastard say?_ " Elliot asked, eye ablaze.

He was suddenly full of anger, rage, sadness, fear, and so many more emotions.

She opened her reddening eyes and looked at him with pain. Then she removed herself from the bed and walked towards the window. She had briefly glanced at the bedroom door, longing to go retrieve a bottle of vodka from the fridge.

" _Olivia?_ " Elliot said softly. He was trying his best to be patient with her but now he was truly worried.

She bit her lip as she stood as close to the bedroom window as possible, looking out into the city where the sun would be setting in a couple of hours.

" _I can't do this._ " She whispered to him as she brought the tissue that was still in her hand up to her face to wipe the tears that had graced her face. " _I'm sorry…_ _I can't._ "

Olivia heard the springs in her bed make a sound, implying that Elliot had vacated the bed. Then she heard his heavy footsteps heading towards her bedroom door.

She turned around frantically with wide, panicked eyes.

" _No!_ " She said quickly and he spun on his heels to face her with his eyebrow knit together and a concerned look on his face. Elliot was probably wondering if she was in another flashback.

" _Don't leave._ " She said in a small voice and his face softened instantly at her words. " _I meant I can't do this conversation right now, not 'this', not 'us'… I didn't mean for you to leave…_ " Olivia's eyes were glassy and red but so far no more tears had fallen.

She was showing her vulnerable side but she wasn't meaning to, it was just coming out. That much could be expected after a flashback. Her fears were making themselves known, even though both Elliot and Olivia already knew one of her biggest fears was him leaving her. It broke his heart, mostly because he'd already done it to her once before…

Elliot walked up to her slowly until they were face to face. He harbored a small smile.

" _I was going to make you some tea, Liv._ " He told her calmly. " _I know it helps calm you when you're upset…_ "

She looked at him, biting her lip in an attempt to keep her tears at bay.

" _I'm sorry… I just thought…_ " She huffed at her own stupidity and quick jump to judgement.

" _I know…_ " He told her. " _You want a hug for reassurance?_ " Elliot normally would hug her anyways but they'd just talked about Lewis and he didn't want to trigger her so he asked for permission, for consent.

She nodded shyly. A hug from him would make her feel better. So, Elliot wrapped his strong arms around her shoulders and she returned the hug by wrapping her arms around his waist.

" _I was only going to make you some tea…_ " He whispered to her and she smiled to herself. So far, Fin had been the only man to ever make her tea. " _I was even gonna put some of those damn flowers in it that you like…_ " Now she let out a small laugh.

Elliot held her for a bit longer then released her and glanced at her face to see if she really was okay. Olivia looked calmer and content now. He felt better because of it.

" _Come on._ " He told her as he started to walk to the kitchen and she followed him.

Olivia sat at one of the bar stools as she watched him work on boiling water for her tea. He knew where the tea stuff was in the cabinet and he seemed to know what he was doing, which surprised her. Now, she wondered what else he could do in the kitchen. Could he cook? And if so, how good was he at it?

When they were partners, they'd always ordered take out or when she'd been invited over to his house, Kathy had always been the one to cook supper or food for whatever even they may have been hosting.

The water finally came to a boil and he got one of her NYPD coffee cups. Really, those were about the only mugs that she owned and they'd been gifted to her over the years. She'd never bought a single one.

After her tea was fixed, he handed it to her across the bar and she took it and walked over to the living room window.

Olivia's eyes fixated on the city outside as rain started to fall from the sky. She hadn't even known it was supposed to rain today. But then again, she hadn't checked the weather in forever, she'd been too busy dealing with all of her shit.

" _Amanda was raped…_ " Olivia said into the silence.

Elliot had just finished cleaning up the small mess in the kitchen that he made and he walked over to join her as she was taking a sip of her warm tea.

" _I knew you'd play detective._ " He stated lightly and she almost rolled her eyes. " _How recent we talking?_ " Elliot asked, getting more serious and wondering if they were going to need to talk Amanda into reporting it and get her some help.

He didn't know the blonde woman very well and had only seen her a handful of times but if she was a victim, he'd jump to her aid. Old habits die hard and he'd definitely go to bat for the her if Olivia needed him to.

" _Years ago…_ " Olivia answered, then paused to take another sip, careful not to ingest the flower. " _It's why she transferred to New York. She reported it but he was her Deputy Chief. No one believed her and the charges were dropped so she ran… she moved here._ "

" _Damn._ " Elliot commented. " _That's gotta be tough._ "

" _She says she got help, that she got a therapist but I'm gonna keep an eye on her and I'll tell Fin to do the same…_ " Olivia said. She hadn't talked to Fin about it yet and she really wouldn't tell him much. She'd tell him to keep an eye on the blonde and her addiction. If he asked why, Olivia would tell him it was a private thing between the two women. She knew he'd understand and not ask any further questions. He might put two and two together though, just as he did with her rape.

" _You can't act like you know. I'm not going to tell Fin either. This is her story and if she wants to tell it, that's her decision._ " Olivia told him.

Elliot nodded. He knew all too well how to keep secrets.

" _The sexual assault is why she started gambling… and she almost relapsed over my assault…_ " The brunette said in a small voice.

Elliot turned around so he could sit his ass on the window seal and he crossed his arms over his chest looking to his right at her.

" _It wouldn't have been your fault if she had relapsed, Liv._ " He told her firmly.

" _I know…_ " She whispered. " _That doesn't mean that it wouldn't have felt like it though._ "

He gave her a thin smile.

" _Your badge and gun are in a plastic bag on the coffee table…_ " He said, wondering how she had gotten it back.

" _Murphy gave them to Amanda to give to me…_ " Olivia answered him. " _But… I don't want them._ "

He was quiet for a second, contemplating what to say next. He rubbed his lip together and briefly ran his right hand over his stubble.

" _You don't want them because you don't want to have a gun in your possession or because you're not sure you're ever gonna put the badge back on?_ " Elliot asked hesitantly, hoping she wouldn't lie to him.

" _I'm not suicidal, El…_ " She said, placing her half empty mug in the window seal in front of her and turned to look at him so he could look into her eyes. She wanted him to know she was being honest. " _I'm in a bad place, but not that bad._ " She told him.

He nodded.

" _Okay, just… if you do get there, if you're heading in that direction tell me, I'll help you._ " He told her sincerely. " _I've been there. I can get you through it and get you some help._ "

She shook her head and a look of horror fell upon her face.

" _Don't tell me that…_ " She whispered almost breathlessly. She walked the short distance between them and quickly wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him close. Olivia was being more affectionate today with him then she probably ever had. But right now, she couldn't help it, she didn't want to think about him not being with her, about him not being on the planet anymore and her affection was understandable due to the flashback that she'd had earlier.

Elliot wrapped his right hand around her back to comfort her from his sitting position and she cradled his head into her shoulder.

" _Don't tell me that, Elliot…_ " She repeated. He huffed. Maybe this wasn't the best time to bring that up.

" _I'm fine, Liv._ " He promised her. " _It was after Jenna and it was only briefly but I'm okay, I'm fine._ " Elliot comforted her. " _Kath got me help…_ "

She huffed as she pulled back to look at him. She was partially standing in between his legs but neither of them were paying attention to that right now.

" _What did you do?_ " She demanded in her serious 'Olivia Benson' voice.

" _Nah… not right now, Okay?_ " He told her, hoping she'd understand. She almost looked hurt and he could basically read her mind. " _I trust you._ " Elliot promised. " _I trust you with everything, Liv. I just… I'm not in a good place to talk about it right now… I just wanted you to know that I've been there and I can help, okay?_ " He told her, looking at her with pleading eyes, begging her to understand.

It hurt her to know that he'd been in such a dark place that he'd contemplated killing himself and she wasn't going to forget about this conversation any time soon.

Olivia framed his face with her hands and put her forehead against his. She closed her eyes tightly and he looked towards the floor.

" _Don't you ever…_ " She whispered in a warning tone.

" _I wouldn't… not now. I shouldn't have brought it up, I'm sorry…_ " He told her lightly. Olivia was slightly panicking and he'd only been trying to reassure her that he was there for her if she ever got to that level of darkness.

" _It'd kill me…_ " Olivia whispered to him as her hands caressed his face. " _I'm too attached now… we're already in whatever this 'thing' is, El… I can't… I…_ " She was stuttering because she didn't know what to say without letting him know just exactly how strong her feelings were for him right now and how much she needed him.

" _I wouldn't, Liv… I swear to-_ "

Olivia cut him off by pressing her lips against his.

 **Thoughts?**


	36. Chapter 36

**Thank you for all the reviews! I love them and they really help!**

Olivia cut him off by pressing her lips against his.

The kiss lasted all of three seconds. His lips were soft and he had kissed her back of course. It was a small kiss on the lips.

She released his face from her hands and backed away slowly as soon as she realized what she'd done. Her eyes were open wide and her pupils were dilated. Olivia's breathing was labored and her mouth was slightly hanging open in shock at what she'd done. She hadn't planned the kiss, it'd just happened.

Olivia Benson was panicking. And Elliot knew it.

" _Liv…_ " He called to her gently.

She had slowly backed into the arm of the couch and put her hands behind herself, bracing herself on the couch to keep her balance.

" _I… umm…_ " Olivia was having trouble forming a sentence. Her face was turning red and her breathing continued to get more and more difficult.

Elliot slowly got up and cautiously made his way over to her, keeping his eyes locked on hers the entire time.

" _Olivia,_ " He called out to her. Elliot knew what was happening. He'd seen this before.

Her knees buckled and she hit the ground before he could catch her.

" _El… I… I can't… breathe…_ " She said in a panicked voice as she started gasping for breath.

He crouched down in front of her, still not touching her.

" _You're having a panic attack._ " Elliot told her as calmly as he could even though it was killing him to see her go through this. " _You've gotta breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth… come on, do it with me._ " He instructed her as he demonstrated the breathing technique.

" _I… I can't…_ " She told him as she continued to panic. Her back was against the side of the couch and she was grateful for that because if it wasn't, she wasn't sure she'd be able to sit up.

" _Yes, you can._ " Elliot told her firmly. He grabbed her hands in his own in an attempt to comfort her. " _This is only temporary, Liv. It'll pass in a few seconds._ " He told her confidently. It was clear he'd dealt with panic attacks before.

Olivia continued to focus on him and try to control her breathing.

" _You did nothing wrong. Everything is okay._ " Elliot tried to calm her. " _You're gonna be fine, it's gonna pass…_ " He said as he maintained eye contact. Her eyes were already filling with water out of fear.

After a few more seconds of them breathing together, her breaths started to even out slowly and her heartrate began to calm down.

Once she had her bearings, she leaned her head back against the couch and closed her eyes tightly as she continued her breathing exercises.

" _Fuck…_ " She whispered after a few moments, when she was calm enough to be okay and have her breath back.

" _You okay now?_ " He asked cautiously as he sat on the floor in front of her.

She nodded and grabbed the bottom of her shirt to wipe her tears away.

Elliot gave her a small smile but she sighed and drew her legs up to her chest, ducking her face into her knees and wrapping her arms around her legs. She'd kissed him, she'd actually kissed Elliot and now she just wanted to crawl under a rock and hide.

He sat in front of her Indian style, waiting patiently. His elbows rested on his knees as he used his hands to fidget with a string on his pants.

" _Do you want me to make you some more tea?_ " He asked lightly, knowing her NYPD cup in the window seal only had a small bit left in it and that it was cold by now.

" _No…_ " Came her muffled voice.

Elliot licked his lips and nodded even though she couldn't see him.

He scooted around to her right side, sitting against the couch as well.

" _I'll sit here with you all day but I gotta tell you…_ " He stated. " _I'm not as young as I used to be and my back's gonna end up killing me…_ " He was smiling at his next statement. " _And you're no spring chicken either… so…._ " That did it. She lifted her head and looked at him with her right eyebrow cocked up.

" _Excuse me?_ " She asked him even though a small smile was playing on her lips.

Elliot stood up and her eyes followed him.

" _We're getting too old for this, Liv…_ " He told her with a smile as he extended his right hand out to her. " _Let's move it to the couch, yeah?_ " Elliot asked.

He was only half kidding. He'd said some of that stuff to get her stirred up. Sassy and insulted Olivia Benson was better than panicky and freaked out Olivia Benson. But in reality, they really would regret it later if they spent all afternoon on the floor.

She huffed and grabbed his hand, then grabbed onto the couch arm with her other hand in an attempt to get herself off the floor. Then they heard both of her knees pop. Elliot shot her a playful look that said "I told you so" and she rolled her eyes at him.

Elliot sat in the middle of her couch and she made sure to sit as far to the left as possible but he wasn't having it.

" _Nah…_ " He said with a smile on his face, grabbing her right hand with his left and giving it light tug as he nodded his head in his direction, signaling that he wanted her to sit beside him.

She bit her lip but complied, moving to sit directly beside him, their legs were barely touching. It was like she was afraid to be near him now that she'd kissed him. She'd gone past one of the barriers that she'd been so afraid of, the barrier that she wouldn't let herself go past even when he'd separated from Kathy.

He put his left arm behind her shoulders, giving her left shoulder a light push in his direction. Olivia sighed as she complied to his request again even though she wanted it just as much as he did, and she snuggled up closer to him, laying her head on his left shoulder and she even went a step further as to hook her left arm around his waist.

Elliot fully wrapped his left arm around her now, lightly rubbing her left shoulder.

" _Elliot…_ " She started in a tiny voice, using his full name.

" _I know… you're freaking out…_ " He said. " _Don't psych yourself out about it, Liv. It was only a kiss…_ " Elliot told her calmly.

" _We kissed…_ " She whispered. " _Us… Benson and Stabler…_ " Olivia said as she snuggled closer into him and his arm tightened around her.

" _No… Olivia and Elliot._ " He corrected her. " _We haven't been Benson and Stabler for a long time, Liv._ "

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to wrap her mind around what she'd done. She hadn't meant to, it just happened. Their conversation had gotten very heavy and the sudden urge to kiss him had overcome her.

" _I didn't mean to…_ " Olivia said in a small voice. " _It just… it just happened…_ " She tried to explain.

" _You better not be trying to apologize…_ " He hummed to her in a low tone, almost as if it was a warning.

She remained quiet as her left hand toyed with the rim of his shirt by his waist. She was at a loss for words. Olivia didn't know what to say. A million things were going through her mind.

Elliot hadn't minded the kiss. In fact, he liked it and he wouldn't mind another one but he was worried what it'd do to Olivia. Their first kiss had just given her a panic attack after all.

" _You scared me…_ " She whispered to him, trying to continue their conversation. She wanted to talk about it but then again, she didn't. It was complicated but she knew it was a conversation that needed to be had.

" _I know and I'm sorry. I never meant to do that to you._ " He leaned down and gently kissed the top of her head.

Olivia sat up slowly and Elliot's arm fell away from her back. If she was asking for space, he'd give it to her. She put her legs up under her, sitting on her feet with her hands in her lap as she faced him.

" _I'm going to tell you this now because it revolves around what you just told me._ " Olivia explained. " _Then, we're going to move on to a lighter topic because I've had enough serious talk for today._ " It was true. She'd talked more about Lewis to Elliot today than she had ever done before. And then she'd ended it with a kiss. What the hell.

Elliot nodded in agreement, curious to hear what she had to say.

She took a deep breath and he considered reaching out for her hand but then thought against it.

" _Only Fin knows this._ " She told him and he tried not to be hurt by her telling Fin things and not him. She had Fin at her side when he had left her and Elliot would just have to learn to accept that Fin was one of her 'go to' people.

" _When Lewis had me the first time, I was on meth, you know…_ " Olivia began and Elliot nodded. " _The high was great… it was amazing actually. I can honestly tell you I look at drug addicts in a different way now…_ " Elliot pressed his lips together tightly and laced his hands together in his lap, praying to God that she wasn't about to confess to doing meth behind his back.

" _The high was good, but the low… the coming down… it was a bad trip._ " She was trying to tell him how she felt when she was on drugs but she was also embarrassed about it. Elliot nodded in understanding anyways though. He'd seen enough drug addicts to know what they're like when they come down from a high. He'd seen several bad reactions when he'd been a street cop before he got to SVU.

" _What I'm trying to tell you is… I wanted to kill myself when I was with Lewis the first time._ " Which was oddly ironic since the second time Olivia was with Lewis was the actual time that she'd been raped. Yet, wanting to die had never crossed her mind. Not wanting to die however, had crossed her mind several times during Russian roulette. Especially since it would have left Amelia alone with Lewis.

Elliot closed his eyes tightly and leaned his head back against the couch. It hurt him to hear this just as much as it'd hurt her to hear him insinuate that he'd wanted to kill himself after Jenna.

" _Hey…_ " Olivia called out to him, reaching out with both of her hands and grabbing his left hand. " _I need you to stay with me for this…_ " She told him. Elliot raised his head and opened his eyes, looking at her.

" _I'm here, I'm with you._ " He promised her. They'd been through a lot today and he was just tired.

Olivia huffed. Elliot gave her hand an encouraging squeeze.

" _Anyways…_ " She said, deciding to make her story shorter just to get it over with. " _If I had gotten my hands on my gun, I probably wouldn't be here now…_ " She told him, her head bowing in shame.

Elliot's left hand stayed clasped in her hands as he used his right one to lift her chin, making her look at him.

" _I understand._ " He told her calmly.

" _What?_ " She asked with a confused look. There was no way he could possibly understand her wanting to kill herself. She didn't even understand it because it would have been wrong. Sure, she wasn't in a good place now but she was going to work through it, or at least that's how she felt about life right now. Tomorrow, she could wake up not wanting to even get out of bed. Mood swings after a sexual assault were a bitch.

Elliot shrugged his shoulders. " _I get it… he was torturing you, you were on a mixture of vodka and meth…_ " He tried to explain his line of thinking. " _I understand, Liv._ "

She shook her head at him. " _You act like you're okay with it…_ " Olivia stated cautiously.

Now it was his turn to shake his head. " _I'm not, I never will be…_ " Elliot huffed. " _I'll never be okay with any of the stuff that that son-of-a-bitch did to you… but I do accept that it's part of your life. It happened and now it's a part of who you are._ " He told her gazing into her eyes with a small smile. " _All of this shit happened and we can't ignore it, Olivia._ "

She huffed and glanced around the room so she didn't have to look at him.

" _I'm a mess…_ " She said in a small voice.

" _You're my mess._ " Elliot counter argued almost fiercely. " _And I wouldn't have it any other way._ "

Olivia's head snapped back to him upon his statement. She cocked her head to the side and just took him in. His facial expression, his strong posture, his fiery eyes.

She bit her bottom lip again.

" _I didn't want to start anything between us until I was healed and over this Lewis stuff…_ " Olivia told him.

Elliot's left hand gently tugged her own until she was closer to him, right next to him with their bodies touching.

" _We've already started something…_ " He told her with another smile. He couldn't help but smile. He was happy because Olivia Benson was sitting beside him and she'd kissed him earlier.

Olivia sighed, closing her eyes briefly. " _Amanda said the same thing…_ "

Elliot nodded. He was happy Olivia had actually had some 'girl talk' with the blonde and that their lunch hadn't entirely consisted of them talking about Olivia and Amanda's assaults.

" _And you know how it goes._ " He told her. " _You'll never be over the assault. You just have to learn to live with it and manage the PTSD._ "

She'd known it and so had he. In fact, Olivia had said the same thing to one of their sexual assault victims several months after the incident at Sealview had happened. There was a man raping women but he'd drugged them so none of them actually remembered the rape. Olivia hadn't wanted to talk to the woman because she thought it would be better for the victim to not remember but Elliot had disagreed.

They'd had one of their famous 'Benson and Stabler' fights over it and Olivia ended up telling the woman that she'd been sexually assaulted as well. The woman had asked Olivia how she got over it but Olivia had to confess that she'd never be over it, she'd just learn to live with it.

It was a sad truth that all victims of sexual assault faced.

" _I know…_ " Olivia agreed with him, knowing he was right.

" _But I'm gonna be right here the whole way._ " Elliot offered to her. " _And as far as 'us' goes… it's at your pace. You control 'us', Liv… I'll never take that away from you._ " He promised her.

She nodded, accepting what he was saying. He was giving her control, free rein to movie this relationship at her own pace if she even wanted to do the whole 'relationship' thing right now.

" _About you and your… the suicidal stuff…_ " She began, wanting to get this out before they ended their conversation and began moving on to lighter things. " _It's okay, you don't have to tell me now or talk about it but, in the future… if you ever feel comfortable telling me, I'd be honored to hear your story of what happened after Jenna…_ " He'd talked about Jenna when he'd first come back into her life but it wasn't until now that she realized he'd only told her a small portion of what truly happened. Then, when Elliot had taken her out to lunch after court, she'd been more interested in hearing what happened between him and Kathy. Olivia hadn't asked much about the Jenna aftermath but now she would be more sensitive to it because it was clear that he'd gone through something much deeper than she had anticipated.

He gave her a lopsided smile and squeezed her hand.

" _I'll tell you one day, I promise. Just not now._ "

She smiled back. Her heart was warm because he trusted her and she trusted him. He was her saving grace. She'd known that for a while but Olivia was only just now beginning to realize that she was his saving grace too.

They both could go for a nap but it was too late in the afternoon for that. If they napped now, they'd never get much sleep tonight.

" _So…_ " Olivia started. " _I'm calling Dr. Lindstrom's office first thing in the morning to make an appointment._ " She told him.

" _Good._ " Elliot replied.

" _But until then… Chinese take-out and Netflix?_ " She asked.

" _Isn't it just called 'Netflix and chill' nowadays?_ " He asked. " _That's what Dickie calls it anyways._ "

Olivia busted out laughing which caused Elliot to smile because her laughter was always contagious.

" _What?_ " He asked, still smiling at her.

" _El, how often does Dickie say he's "Netflix and Chilling" at your apartment?_ " She asked.

" _Just about every damn time he's there. I swear that kid watches more TV now than he did when he was an actual kid._ " Elliot said with an unimpressed look on his face.

Olivia was laughing again though.

Elliot finally seemed to catch on.

" _It doesn't mean what I think it does, does it?_ " He asked slowly, wondering if he actually wanted to know what it meant or not.

She shook her head.

" _Okay, what's it mean?_ " He asked in a sigh.

" _It's code for sex, El._ " She told him, almost laughing again. " _I guess Dickie really does use your bachelor pad as a fuck pad…_ "

His eyes went wide.

" _Oh hell no… I'm gonna kick his ass…_ " He said lowly.

" _No, you won't._ " She told him carefully, with a small smile. " _He's a young man in his twenties who didn't knock up his high school girlfriend. Give him room to grow, El._ " Olivia told him, reminding him that Dickie wasn't him in any way, shape, or form.

" _You're seriously okay with that?_ " He asked, a bit taken aback.

" _If you don't want him using your apartment while you're here with me, that's fine. But don't condemn him for having sex. If he's being careful and safe, and upfront with the girls about it just being sex, then he's doing nothing wrong._ " She gave Elliot a knowing look. He knew she was right. Elliot couldn't even get mad at his son for having premarital sex because he'd done the same, many times now and he'd do it again.

" _Besides…_ " Olivia started. " _He probably thinks you're shacked up with me over here anyways…_ "

" _Liv…_ " He said gently. It was a sobering moment for both of them. His kids knew he was staying with Olivia. Maureen and Kathleen were the understanding ones. There's no telling what the twins thought and all Eli knew was that dad was helping out a friend.

" _And you let them think that._ " She told him.

" _What?_ " He asked in disbelief. " _You want them to think we're fucking? And that that's why I'm over here?_ "

" _I don't want them to know about the assault, the second one anyways. Maureen and Kathleen are different, they know I'm not okay but the twins are a big younger, they're only twenty-one, El. Let them think what they want for now. If they start asking questions, we'll handle it then._ "

Elliot had to give Olivia props. He hadn't even thought about what his kids would think. Dickie had accused Olivia of sleeping with Elliot when Dickie was being interrogated by her at fifteen years old due to his friend Shane. Wow, Dickie probably did think his dad was banging Sergeant Benson.

" _Okay, whatever you want._ " He agreed.

" _And you need to spend some time with Eli this weekend. You haven't seen him in over a week._ " Olivia told him. All the sudden she was becoming mother hen.

" _I saw him after my therapy appointment today…_ " Elliot said matter-of-factly.

She gave him a stern look. " _You need to spend time with him. Not just an hour or so. Kick Dickie out of the bachelor pad for the weekend and keep Eli like you normally would._ "

Elliot made a face.

" _I wish you wouldn't call it my bachelor pad. That's not what it is._ " He explained.

" _It was though…_ " She told him lightly.

" _The redhead's gone, Liv… there's only a brunette now._ " He said, giving her a small smile. She felt herself blush at his words.

" _Get Eli this weekend._ " She said, getting back on topic. " _I'll be fine._ "

" _You sure?_ " He asked worriedly. Elliot didn't like her spending the entire weekend by herself even if the weekend was still a couple days away.

" _I'll be fine. I have other people I can call if I need someone with me._ " She gave him a reassuring smile. " _Spend the weekend with your son._ "

Elliot nodded. " _Alright._ "

 **Thoughts?**


	37. Chapter 37

Thursday morning Olivia laid in bed as she called Dr. Lindstrom's office to schedule an appointment. Much to her dismay, there was an opening for Friday. It was too soon. She was expecting to get in maybe next week or the week after but the receptionist told her they'd just had a cancelation. Just Olivia's luck.

She had opted to stay in bed after the call, pulling the covers over her head. It was beginning to be harder and harder for her to get out of bed in the mornings. Depression was seeping back in, depression and anxiety. Plus, there was the PTSD.

Maybe if she stayed in bed all day, she wouldn't be triggered.

Elliot tried everything he could to get her out of bed. He offed to cook her a big breakfast, to take her out for lunch, he even offered to take her to a movie but she wouldn't budge.

Olivia promised him she was okay. He'd asked if she'd had a bad dream, if she'd been upset about the kiss or the events that they'd discussed the day before but she assured him it was none of the above.

" _I'm fine._ " She told him with a small smile as she looked at his crouching figure at her bedside. " _I'm just still tired… I can't drag myself out of bed right now, I just… I need a day, okay?_ " It was the truth. She felt tired even though she wasn't. That's just how depression worked. It had been bad after the first Lewis encounter too, but the second Lewis encounter had been worse.

Elliot had nodded, accepting her answer. He wasn't going to push too hard.

" _I'm picking Eli up tomorrow after he gets out of school. I can drop you off at your appointment but I can't pick you up…_ " He told her gently.

She was curled up under the covers with her head just barely on her pillow, her body was near the edge of the bed and she was still staring at Elliot's figure from where he'd gotten down on his knees so he could be eye level with her.

Olivia reached out her right hand from under the covers and put it on his left cheek. Elliot gave her a small smile and his face leaned into her palm instinctively.

" _You're a sweet man…_ " She told him lightly. " _But you're not dropping me off at my appointment either._ " Olivia told him.

He looked at her with a confused look.

" _Nick is gonna drive me…_ " She told Elliot. " _Fin finally told him like I asked… I think he wants to see that I'm okay._ "

Elliot nodded, understanding that she would need to show Nick that she was surviving. He'd needed to see her too after the incident, even though he didn't know exactly what had happened at the time. Elliot had needed to see her with his own two eyes.

Olivia continued to stay in bed all day aside from the two bathroom breaks and brief shower she took. Much to her protests, Elliot made her something to eat anyways. A small sandwich made from the groceries that she'd bought and he put some chips on her plate, and even a bar of chocolate.

She smiled from her nest in the covers as she saw him come in with the plate of food. Olivia sat up, pulling covers down to her waist and sitting Indian style so she could put the plate in her lap. She wasn't really hungry but she was going to try to eat for Elliot.

Even though it didn't go with her meal, he'd managed to make her some chocolate milk. She put the plate in her lap and the milk on her bedside table along with the chocolate bar, which she was going to save for later.

" _Thanks…_ " She said to him in a small voice. Her hair was slightly messy and curly from her previous shower, when she'd gotten back into bed without drying it.

She was pleasantly surprised at the chocolate milk and she didn't know how he knew it's what she liked, but he did.

Elliot smiled at her as he sat on the end of the bed, also Indian style, facing her. " _You're welcome._ "

" _So, I was thinking…_ " Elliot stated.

" _Uh-oh…_ " Olivia joked as she began to take another bite of her sandwich.

He rolled his eyes.

" _Sunday, you should come meet me and Eli at the park… spend some time with him before Kathy picks him up…_ " He told her.

Olivia swallowed as she was temporarily shocked.

" _Why would you want me to spend time with your son?_ " She asked hesitantly.

" _Why wouldn't I?_ " He shot back.

Olivia reached over to grab her glass, drinking some her chocolate milk before putting it back on the night stand. She didn't know what to say.

" _He still knows who you are, Liv… and I think it'd do you some good to be around a kid for a little bit and forget all the shit that's going on in your head…_ " Elliot told her honestly. He'd thought long and hard about this before bringing it up to her.

Eli was seven now and when Elliot left SVU, he'd been only four but he had still known who "Livia" was. Kathy had made sure that the little boy had known the brunette, even if it was just from pictures for a while since Elliot had cut Olivia out of their lives for a bit.

When Eli had asked about his birth, just as almost all young kids do when they find out that mamas carry babies in their tummies, both Kathy and Elliot had sat down with Eli together and told the little boy a very watered-down version of how Elliot had not been able to get to Kathy in time and Olivia had stepped in, taking care of Kathy and helping her as Eli was born.

So, the little boy knew who Olivia Benson was, he knew that his father used to be a police officer and that Olivia was his partner.

" _What if I have a flashback?_ " She asked Elliot as she sat her sandwich down on her plate, no longer wanting it. She'd eaten half of it anyways and that was enough in her book.

" _Then I'll get a chance to explain to Eli what PTSD is and a watered-down version of how it works…_ " He smiled at her.

Olivia picked up a chip and began to eat it.

" _I'm being serious, El._ " She shot him a look.

Elliot shrugged his shoulders and put his hands in his lap.

" _So am I, Liv._ _He already knows you were hurt on the job. He knows a bad person hurt you and that the police took care of the bad man._ "

Her eyes widened slightly, wondering what all the little boy knew about her attack but Elliot seemed to be able to know what she was thinking.

" _He only knows you were hurt, Liv. That's all._ "

She nodded, slowly calming down and reached over to set her plate on the side table as she picked up her chocolate milk, finishing it off.

" _I'll think about it… I can't promise I'll show up but I'll consider it…_ " She honestly told him, letting him know not to say anything to Eli about it in case the boy got his hopes up for nothing.

Olivia would love to see Eli, she really would. She missed the little boy. He'd always made her smile and he was like a mini Elliot. But she was scared, scared that something would trigger her or that she'd be around too many people and have a panic attack. Olivia didn't want to scare Eli, that is the last thing she wanted to do but it's what would happen if she flashed back. She wasn't sure she wanted to risk it.

Elliot got up, accepting her answer, and he walked to retrieve her plate and cup. He gave her a thin smile as he left her room headed to the kitchen. Elliot shut the door behind him, he knew she wasn't getting out of bed, not today. So, he was just going to give her space like she wanted.

After putting her dishes away, he settled himself on the couch and flipped on the TV, hoping to find something to busy his mind with.

Olivia laid in her bed. She wasn't sleepy, she just wanted to lounge around. Part of her wanted to make herself get up and get something productive done but then another part of her told her that she was an adult and she could do whatever she wanted to, whenever she wanted to.

She huffed and got up to take another shower. It wasn't much but it was something and it got her blood flowing. She also decided to shave her legs. Usually, she did that in the bath but she wasn't feeling up to a bath and probably wouldn't be for a while. Shaving her legs did make her feel better though. She felt refreshed.

Later that night, Olivia changed into some pajama bottoms and a tank top to sleep in. She was laying in bed fidgeting on her phone.

Elliot came in and he was already in sweatpants and tank top himself. His tattoo was out and on display.

The only light in the room was Olivia's lamp on her bedside table. Elliot plugged his phone into the charger and put it on the side table by his side of the bed. Then he pulled back the covers and got under them, laying on his back and staring at the ceiling.

Once Olivia felt that he was ready, she turned her lamp off and put her phone on the night stand. She turned on her left side, facing the bathroom door away from Elliot and tried to drift off to sleep.

After about twenty minutes of silence and darkness except for the moonlight shining through the half-closed blinds, neither one was asleep.

Elliot's mind was going a hundred miles a minute. He couldn't stop thinking about the events that had happened yesterday and over the past few days. He'd made another therapy appointment for next week.

He was thinking about Olivia and some of the things that had happened to her. She'd mentioned orgasms and she'd confirmed to him that it'd happened both times she had been with Lewis which meant she had at least one while being raped and at least one when Lewis had her the first time. But Olivia told him that she wasn't raped the first time and Elliot believed her.

He owed her that much. Elliot didn't think that she'd lie about not being raped the first time around. He trusted her. And she trusted him or else she wouldn't have shared so much with him. Lewis did sexually assault her the first time, that much was clear. He must have found a way to get her off against her will by touching her or doing something else.

Elliot didn't want to think about it too much, it made him sick.

The pregnancy tests were also on his mind. For the better half of their partnership, Olivia had always taken the birth control shot every three months like clockwork. She'd always been late to the precinct on the last Monday of every third month. It'd taken Elliot a while to figure it out but when he did, he got worried and asked her about it. After some coaxing, she'd relented and told him.

After that, he hadn't said anything else about it but he always knew that she'd kept it up because she'd always be late that one day every three months.

There'd been a time or two where they'd worked a case and she'd missed her appointment but Elliot had assumed she'd gone to get it after the case was closed.

He figured she would have kept it up even after he left but Olivia was either paranoid out of her mind about getting pregnant by her rapist and history repeating itself or she had at some point stopped taking it.

" _You're thinking really loudly…_ " Olivia said, bringing him out of his thoughts.

Elliot sighed and continued to stare at the ceiling. " _Sorry…_ " He mumbled.

She pushed herself into a sitting position, bracing her hands on the bed as she turned to look at him. Olivia could see him in the moonlight but just barely.

" _You're worrying about me aren't you?_ " She observed. This was one of the moments where she could read him well even in the dimly lit room.

" _I always am…_ " He replied lightly, turning his head slightly to the left to look at her.

Olivia shook her head and moved closer to him. Elliot lifted his left arm so she could snuggle up to his side because that's what he knew she was going to do.

He let his left arm lay across her pillow as she rested her head on his left shoulder and put her left hand on his chest.

Elliot Stabler had always worried about her, even when they were partners. Now, he just worried a lot more but then again, he had a reason to.

" _I'm going to be okay._ " She told him silently.

Elliot bit his bottom lip. He knew she'd eventually be okay, she had to be. He just didn't know how long it would take for her to get to that state or what obstacles she'd have to jump over to get there.

" _What were you thinking about?_ " Olivia asked but Elliot shook his head. He wasn't going to ask her any more questions about Lewis or what had happened, not tonight. She was going to have a hard enough day tomorrow talking about all of it in therapy.

Olivia huffed. She was starting to remember how hard it was to get Elliot to talk to her when they were partners.

" _What do you need?_ " She asked calmly. " _What can I do to help you?_ "

" _Just be here…_ " Elliot told her as he brought his left arm down behind her and turned on his left side, making her turn more on her right side. He wrapped her up in his arms like he thought she might slip away. " _Just be here with me, just like this. This is good._ " He told her.

" _It's enough?_ " She questioned as she hugged him back. They were getting better at cuddling with each other.

" _It's more than enough, Liv._ " Elliot promised her.

He felt her press a kiss into his shoulder. It was all she could manage for now. She wasn't ready to full on kiss him again.

After a few minutes, they broke apart from the hug but she remained snuggled into his side. It was more for his comfort than hers. Olivia knew he needed it, especially with the things she'd put in his head these past few days.

When they drifted off to sleep, it was nice and peaceful. No bad dreams and no night terrors, just two people trying to survive the aftermath of a terrible ordeal.

 **Thoughts?**


	38. Chapter 38

**I can't promise I'll be able to update often so just bear with me.**

 **I've been in Dallas for the National Sexual Assault Conference, which was awesome by the way. Everyone attending was offered to attend a screening of "I AM EVIDENCE" which is Mariska's documentary. It was amazing, I cried, and you get to hear Mariska say "Fuck you".**

Olivia peered around the tree from where she was perched, or rather, where she was hiding. She was watching the seven-year-old do some kind of hand-to-hand combat with his dad. Elliot was in khaki shorts and an old Marine's t-shirt with an unzipped jacket. He seemed like he was trying to teach Eli some sort of self-defense moves or something similar. Maybe how to handle himself on the playground? Who the hell know what boys did these days. Olivia surly didn't.

Elliot and Eli were a good few yards away towards a nice area in the park. No doubt, Elliot had picked it incase Olivia had decided to show up. It was clearly a much more secluded area even though it had a full playground several yards to her left.

" _Hey…_ " Olivia heard suddenly, causing her to jump back from where she'd been peering from behind the rather large tree.

" _Jesus, Kathy!_ " Olivia panted as she placed one hand on her chest to calm her breathing and heartrate, closing her eyes briefly.

" _I'm sorry, I tried to be as loud as I could coming over but you were engulfed in watching them._ " The blonde explained.

" _It's okay… I'm just… more jumpy these days…_ " Olivia said without wanting to give away too much, although she figured Kathy already knew what had happened to her.

Kathy gave her a small smile as she looked her over. The woman was so used to seeing Detective Benson, not Olivia, not this woman in plain clothes who didn't look like a cop.

" _So… you hiding from them? …or me?_ " The blond asked in a light tone.

Olivia leaned around the tree to give Elliot and Eli a quick glance, ensuring they were both still engrossed in their game of play fighting.

" _He wanted me to come see Eli, hang out for a bit…_ " Olivia allowed as she looked back at Kathy, whom she noted was also in casual clothing and not nursing attire. " _But I just… I couldn't seem to make it over there to them…_ " The brunette replied, shrugging her shoulders.

" _Because you don't want Elliot to know you're hungover?_ " Kathy asked with honesty and a small amount of pity in her voice. Olivia shot her a look. " _I'm not judging you, just trying to figure out if you're okay…_ " The blonde gave her a small smile.

" _I look that bad?_ " Olivia asked with sadness in her voice as she glanced down at herself and then back up at Kathy. She'd just worn jeans and a zip-up hoodie. It was mid-April and slightly chilly in New York in Olivia's opinion.

Now she was feeling guilty that she wasn't taking better care of herself. She didn't like Kathy seeing her like this but then again, she had made sure to be far enough from the parking area that Kathy would have been able to go right up to Elliot and Eli. The blonde must have spotted her on her drive in and decided to walk over. Olivia wished she hadn't.

" _You look fine, just tired…_ " Kathy replied. " _I can only tell it's a hangover because I'm a nurse… and well, a mother._ " She let a small snort out as she remembered the few times she'd had to deal with Dickie and Kathleen's hangovers.

Olivia knew she didn't look her best. Her eyes were bloodshot, she had dark circles under them. Her hair wasn't a complete mess but it was pulled back in a loose, messy pony tail.

" _You don't smell like alcohol, if that helps._ " Kathy added after Olivia had remained silent.

Olivia huffed. She didn't know what to say to the woman standing in front of her. Should she apologize for showing up in Eli's vicinity and being hungover? Should she apologize for taking up most of Elliot's time that he could be spending with Eli? Should she just leave?

The brunette ended up going with a combination of all three.

" _Look…_ " She started. " _I'm sorry I showed up in this state… I'm sorry El isn't spending as much time with Eli as he should. I told him to take the entire weekend, I keep telling him to come see Eli…_ " Olivia stressed.

" _I don't care that you showed up to see my son while you were hungover._ " Kathy explained as she shifted on her feet. " _If you reeked of boozed, that be a different story but you aren't drunk, you aren't even tipsy. It's fine. Give yourself some credit, Olivia._ " She told her. " _And Eli's been pretty busy this week anyways. School is winding down, we're signing him up for some summer camps. He'll be fine._ " Kathy promised her.

Olivia swallowed hard and thought about retreating but somehow, she managed to build up the courage to ask her next question.

" _Do you know what happened to me?_ "

Kathy took a deep breath and rubbed her eyebrow as she glanced at the sky before setting her gaze back on Olivia.

" _I… yeah. I don't know the details but… yeah._ " Kathy confessed with a sad look.

" _Elliot told you I was raped…_ " Olivia whispered as she looked at the ground, shaking her head. He'd promised her that he wouldn't do that.

" _No, actually, he didn't._ " The blonde replied and Olivia looked back up, eyeing her. The brunette leaned her back against the tree, trying to calm herself down. Now she was wondering if maybe Kathy hadn't known the full truth and she'd just outted herself by accident.

Olivia pressed her lips together tightly as she waited for the other woman to explain.

" _Elliot told me enough to satisfy me on why he was staying with you. You know what he told me…_ " And Olivia did know, Elliot had told her what he'd told Kathy. That she was the Sergeant that was taken by Lewis, she was assaulted and needed some help.

" _I'm a nurse. I have access to records… I shouldn't have but I looked yours up._ " Kathy looked guilty but Olivia's face remained passive. " _I read the listed injuries, you refused the rape kit, but with the way you've been acting, the way things have been going… Elliot worked SVU for many years, Liv. I've picked up some things. I can read between the lines…_ " Kathy explained.

Olivia nodded her head, accepting that Kathy really had figured things out on her own.

" _I'm sorry._ " Kathy stated, looking at Olivia's eyes, begging the brunette for forgiveness for the invasion of privacy. In all honesty, Olivia could have Kathy fired and possibly make her spend some time in jail, but she'd never do that. Not in a million years.

Olivia shook her head. " _It's alright. That was a hell of a lot easier than having to tell you. I hate explaining it to people, telling them. It's one of the hardest parts._ " Olivia shrugged.

" _You didn't have the rape kit done, you didn't let them examine you._ " Kathy stressed. " _I know it's been over a week but if you need a doctor to look at you off the record… a female doctor, I know one that will…_ " Kathy stated. " _I can't blame you for not doing the kit. I've sat through enough of them with victims. It's terrible. But so is vaginal tearing, anal tearing, muscle bruising… are you okay?_ " Kathy asked boldly, the nurse in her taking over.

Olivia gave her a small laugh, a real laugh. Kathy looked confused.

" _You're a lot better at asking that than Elliot was._ "

Both women smiled.

" _I'm fine. Everything is…. Fine. There was no… tearing just soreness, some bruises, but I'm okay. It's all healing fine._ " Olivia assured her.

She almost felt awkward talking to Elliot's ex-wife about it. And there were definitely some awkward moments but it comforted Olivia a bit knowing Kathy was a nurse and that she at least cared on some level. Maybe it was because she was a nurse but there was some concern coming from somewhere.

Kathy gave her sad eyes. She couldn't help it. All she could think about was that this strong woman standing before her who had helped literally hundreds of victims in her fifteen year plus run was now a victim herself.

" _I'm not good at these things…_ " Kathy told her. " _Not like how you and Elliot were… but if there's anything I can do… especially from a medical standpoint, please let me know._ "

Olivia nodded and gave her a small 'thank you'.

" _There's also something else I wanted to mention…_ " Kathy said quietly as she glanced around the tree, her eyes finding Elliot on the grass with Eli on top of him apparently trying to pin him down.

" _You and Elliot…_ " The blonde said calmly.

Olivia took a breath and felt her stomach drop. This was the conversation that she didn't want to have with Kathy. She'd rather talk about her rape with the nurse than her ex-husband.

" _I don't know what's happening there and I don't know what y'all are doing…_ " Kathy stated. " _But I just wanted to let you know that you have my blessing on whatever it is…_ "

Olivia gapped at her. Kathy had always been a bold woman, especially when it came to Elliot.

" _We're not… there's not much happening, Kath. He's been staying with me to help with the recovery… to keep me from spiraling…_ "

Kathy allowed a small smile to grace her face.

Olivia rubbed at her eyebrow. She didn't like that Kathy was being so nice. It was weird. She had always expected the blonde to not be supportive and maybe even put up a fight for Elliot even if he wasn't her husband anymore.

" _Hmmm…_ " Kathy made a small sound. " _You're hungover… so is he not doing a good job?_ " She honestly asked.

Olivia pressed her lips together and shook her head lightly.

" _It's more like, I'm alive, so he's doing a really good job…_ " she replied with brutal honesty.

Kathy seemed to let that sentence weigh on her, realizing the exact meaning of what Olivia had said.

" _Is Elliot doing okay?_ " The blonde asked. " _Do you know if he's…_ "

" _He's going to his therapist if that's what you're asking._ " Olivia answered for the blonde. She wasn't sure if that was information Elliot had wanted out in the open with his ex-wife or not but Olivia knew they were still close and that Kathy still cared. Elliot could get mad at her for outting him if he wanted to later.

Kathy nodded. " _Good…_ " She replied. " _I was worried that you two might trigger each other…_ "

Olivia noted the word 'trigger' that Kathy had used. She guessed the woman really had picked up some stuff while Elliot was working SVU. And she also remembered how Elliot had said Kathy had saved him from himself and got him some help. It must have been hard for Kathy to see her then husband like that, to see him spiral so deeply into the depths of darkness that he'd almost taken his own life.

" _I don't think I've triggered him per say… He's just having a hard time processing what happened to me._ " Olivia replied. " _But so am I._ "

The blonde nodded again in understanding.

" _Look Kathy,_ " Olivia huffed, putting her hands in her jean pockets. " _We aren't… Elliot and I aren't… We might be in the future, I don't know… it's all up in the air. My recovery… it's going to be a long process, and that's if I recover._ " Olivia was stumbling over herself trying to explain to the blonde that she wasn't fucking her ex-husband, even though Kathy already knew that.

Kathy Stabler was educated. She knew how most rape victims worked after a fresh assault. Either they stayed away from sex and physical contact or they had sex like crazy to try and prove that they were still in control and that their bodies were okay and functioning. It didn't take much to figure out how Olivia worked.

" _You will._ " Kathy piped up. Olivia gave her a small smile. " _You have my blessings to pursue whatever you wish with Elliot… I know you certainly don't need it but… I just wanted to know I support you… and El._ " The blonde said.

" _I um…_ " Olivia was at a loss for words. It was odd and kind of hard to hear what Kathy was saying. " _Thank you, Kathy. That means a lot… If we did, if we… I would have talked to you, I would have wanted you to be okay with it. You know that right?_ " Olivia asked almost shyly. She was looking at Kathy, a woman that she had so much respect for.

The blonde just gave her a thin smile. Olivia couldn't tell if Kathy had known that or what she was thinking.

They both turned their heads towards Elliot and Eli as they heard Eli yell with laughter at his dad. Kathy's smile got much bigger and so did Olivia's.

" _You can see Eli anytime you want, Olivia._ " The woman stated and Olivia gave her a slightly confused look, so Kathy continued. " _You don't have to be with Elliot to see Eli. If seeing him, playing with him, or hanging out with him helps you heal, don't hesitate to ask. We'll meet you at the park one day or set something up._ "

Olivia almost scoffed and looked away. " _You don't want me around your son, Kath._ " The brunette whispered but Kathy didn't take the bait.

" _You have PTSD, right?_ " Kathy asked lightly.

Olivia stayed silent for a moment, trying to figure out how she wanted to answer the woman.

" _I had PTSD long before William Lewis screwed up my life, but yeah, it's brought it back and made it ten times worse._ " Olivia confessed, then looked up to meet Kathy's eyes. " _If I ever did something to hurt that little boy or scare him, I'd never forgive myself…_ "

She was talking about having a flashback, they both knew it.

" _Is that why Elliot has that nice sized fading bruise on his cheek?_ " Kathy asked.

Olivia sighed and nodded as she slipped her hands out of her pockets and began twiddling her fingers together from her nervous habit.

Kathy shrugged. " _If it makes you feel better, I'll stay the entire time you're with him. I know the signs of flashbacks and triggers… but I don't see you as a threat to my son._ "

Olivia nodded. " _Thanks… I'll… I'll think about it but I can't promise I'll take you up on it… at least not soon._ " She said honestly. Above that, Olivia didn't know how it'd be to spend a day with Eli and Kathy. It might be weird and awkward. Especially if by that point she and Elliot had managed to develop into something.

" _I can hold off so you can go get some time in with those two?_ " Kathy asked, nodding at Elliot and Eli but Olivia shook her head.

" _You sure?_ " She offered one last time. " _Looks like El is trying to teach Eli some fighting moves… I'd love to see you give El a run for his money. I know you can kick his ass…_."

Olivia laughed which caused Kathy to laugh as well.

" _I can't… not this time. I tried but… just not now._ " She just wasn't ready to be around that atmosphere yet.

" _Alright._ " Kathy relented and glanced back at her car. She'd done so several times and now it made Olivia glance in that direction too. She saw a man sitting in the front seat. A nice, good looking man at that. A man that looked like he might be a little younger than Kathy…

Olivia raised her eyebrows at the discovery and smiled a bit.

" _Elliot had mentioned you were dating…_ " The brunette commented.

Kathy nodded. " _For a while now. He's a doctor at the hospital._ "

" _He's real easy on the eyes…_ " Olivia commented. " _Elliot seen him yet?_ "

Kathy let out a small laugh. " _Yeah, they've met… that was… interesting._ "

" _I bet…_ " Olivia replied. " _Thanks for… this._ " She said, referring to their hidden conversation behind the tree.

" _I meant what I said._ " Kathy stated as she began to walk off. " _If I can do anything…_ "

" _I'll let you know._ " Olivia gave the woman a small smile and moved herself back behind the tree so when Elliot and Eli saw Kathy, they wouldn't see her as well.

Kathy greeted them both, giving Eli a hug and then asked him to go put his things in the car. The wind was blowing slightly, making her blonde hair blow up occasionally.

Elliot was smiling and being his usual self. He gave Eli a big hug and kiss on the top of his head as the boy was leaving. Elliot loved his father-son time with Eli. It was different than his other four kids because Elliot wasn't a detective now, he was his own boss which meant he got his own free time. He could be at every single one of Eli's soccer games and school events. His other kids were slightly jealous and he didn't blame them.

Eli deserved this too. His other kids had as well but he hadn't been able to give it to them then. Maybe this was the pros to having a kid so late in life.

" _She still behind the tree?_ " Elliot casually asked Kathy after he'd made sure Eli was out of earshot.

Kathy gave him a simple smile. " _Yeah, I think she's under the impression that you didn't know she was here._ " That made Elliot smile back and give a small laugh.

" _You should go talk to her._ " Kathy told him.

They continued to talk as Olivia peered around the tree to see if Kathy had given her up. She couldn't tell though because both adults were engaged in conversation, neither one glancing in her direction.

Olivia moved herself back behind the tree and sat down at the base. If Elliot knew she was there, then he'd come over after Kathy left. She just hoped he wouldn't be disappointed in her. If Kathy could tell she was hungover, then Elliot would definitely be able to tell. She had meant to drink but she hadn't meant to hurt him or disappoint him.

Friday had been difficult from the start. Nick picked her up and she instantly noticed his knuckles had faded bruises and scabs on them from where he'd punched something hard several times. She'd let it go though. It was most likely because he'd been told what really happened to her when Lewis had her the last time.

She'd asked Fin to tell him and he had. Nick had given her a small 'hey' when he arrived, but that was it. The car ride was silent, leaving her to break it.

" _I'm okay…_ " She told him strongly, glancing at him as he drove. Nick nodded but didn't say anything further. Maybe he didn't know what to say?

" _Are you okay?_ " Olivia had asked him. " _Is there anything you want to know or talk about? I mean… I'm not going to give you details. That will never happen, but we can talk about it…_ " Olivia offered, which is more than she'd offered Elliot at first but Nick wasn't as strong as Elliot. He hadn't been through the things or seen the things that Elliot had. Olivia knew Elliot well, or she used to. And she knew Nick a good bit too.

" _I would have preferred to hear it from you…_ " Nick had told her in a small voice, like he hadn't wanted to admit how vulnerable he was.

Olivia nodded. " _I'm sorry…_ " She replied, reaching over to grab his hand and give it a squeeze. " _But I'm not that strong yet. I didn't want anyone to know, and I didn't tell Amanda… or Fin for that matter… everyone seemed to be figuring it out on their own…_ " She huffed as she retracted her hand.

" _You told Elliot…_ " He stated. It was anger or annoyance, just sadness. He wasn't mad with her.

Olivia pressed her lips tightly together before answering.

" _That's different…_ " She said.

" _I'm your partner now… not him. I'm supposed to her your back…_ " Nick replied in a light, non-threatening tone.

" _Um… well. He has my back in a different way?_ " Olivia tried but it just sounded dirty. She immediately shook her head and retracted as she saw nick glance at her with his eyebrows raised. " _No, no… that's not what I meant. I have a different relationship with him… it's different. But you still have my back._ " She avoided mentioning that he wasn't technically her partner anymore because she'd moved up the chain of command and had taken over Cragen's office.

Olivia still wasn't sure she was going back at this point but that was something she wasn't going to tell Nick.

He seemed to just nod and accept her reply. He probably didn't want to talk about it. It was still fresh to him.

As they pulled up to the front door where Nick was dropping her off at, he stopped her from getting out. Olivia turned to look at him.

" _I support you, Liv._ " He told her honestly, his eyes were shinning.

She gave him a small smile. " _I never doubted that, Nick._ "

" _Whatever you wanna do, however you handle this… I've got your back._ " He said. Now her eyes began to shine.

" _Thank you, Nick. That means a lot, it does…_ " She told him and stepped out of the squad car. Olivia waved goodbye as he drove off and she went inside to the reception desk to sign in. Luckily for her, the person who's spot she got due to the cancellation, had scheduled for two hours, so she had a bigger window.

It was two hours of hell. Two hours of telling Dr. Lindstrom every single thing that William Lewis had done to her this second time. She told him things that she hadn't admitted to anyone, she'd told him details that made her want to vomit. They didn't even get very far in the therapy part because it took her nearly the whole two hours for her to get it out.

But that's how therapy works. You have to be honest. If you're not honest, then it's not going to work properly. Even Olivia knew that, which is why she poured out everything that that evil man had done to her.

Olivia left his office in a crying mess and headed straight to the bathroom, taking out a baby bottle of vodka from her purse and downing it. It burned but it also somehow helped her breath and calm down.

She wiped her face even though she knew it was still red and blotchy, then exited the building to hail a cab back to her apartment. She had been thinking about the vodka before she even opened the door. Olivia made a b-line for the fridge and grabbed one of the smaller bottles out of it and started to drink.

Olivia hated the things that she'd told Dr. Lindstrom, she hated the things that had come out of her mouth that afternoon.

She wanted to forget everything that she'd just confessed. Some of those things she couldn't even believe she was telling another human being. Most everyone that knew she was raped, knew it was when she had been tied to the table.

No one seemed to take into account that Lewis had her for almost a full night before he'd driven her to Amelia's location.

And Olivia was glad no one had made that connection yet.

The smaller vodka bottle was empty within a couple of hours. Now all she had left was a tall bottle of vodka in the fridge and the mini ones in her bedside drawer that were keeping her vibrators company. Eleven were left now that she'd had one after the appointment.

She dragged herself into bed, stripping down into her underwear and deciding to down another mini bottle for good measure before she finally drifted off to sleep.

When Olivia awoke, she made it to the bathroom just in time to vomit into the toilet. She hated throwing up but it beat having night terrors.

Then Saturday night, she'd flashed back and it'd been hard for her to come out of it. She wanted to call Elliot afterwards but she wasn't going to do that when he was with Eli. So, Olivia had opened the big bottle of vodka and downed most of it, sending her into another dreamless slumber.

Oddly enough, she didn't vomit Sunday morning. Maybe she would have felt better if she had. Then something had possessed her to get dressed that afternoon and head to the park. She'd walked the whole way and she didn't even know why she was going because she couldn't see Eli, not in her state of PTSD.

She was too scared she'd be triggered. But she did enjoy watching him with Elliot. That made her genuinely happy. A real smile came to her face when she heard Eli and Elliot's laughter. It was like music to her ears and it automatically made her feel better.

" _You really thought I wouldn't notice a woman watching my son from behind a tree?_ " He jokingly asked as he looked down at her from his standing position. His comment had brought her out of her thoughts.

Olivia shrugged as he sat down in front of her so he could see her as they talked. " _Your skills are slipping, detective…_ " She joked back.

" _I'm not a detective anymore…_ " He answered with a smile.

" _Exactly my point…_ "

Elliot laughed. Olivia could be fun and joyful when she was in the right mood.

She noticed him gazing at her, taking her appearance in.

" _You coulda called…_ " He commented. He'd figured out she was hungover. It wasn't that hard for him to notice.

" _I'll never do that when you have Eli._ " She responded honestly.

" _You have Fin…_ " Elliot told her next.

Olivia shrugged. " _I knew he was on call, he probably was on a case… then he would've had to either tell Murphy or send Amanda or Nick. None of those were an option for me._ "

Elliot huffed and shook his head. " _At this point, I would have rather you called Kathy than did something you'd regret or something that'd hurt you…_ "

" _Well with the way our new friendship is going, that might be an option soon…_ " Olivia joked again as she nudged his knee. He smiled in return.

He got a serious look on his face after that. " _She treat you okay?_ " Elliot asked. He knew Kathy had, he knew Olivia had his ex-wife's support. He just wanted to know how Olivia felt and what she'd tell him.

" _Yeah…_ " She replied as she played with a blade of grass. " _She being too good to me for someone who's trying to bed her ex…_ " Olivia replied.

Elliot snorted. " _Is that your new goal? Because I gotta tell you, it's not gonna be that hard to reach…_ "

Olivia's mouth hung open as she lightly hit him on the knee but he only playfully hit her back in return. She laughed. Elliot loved it when she was like this, carefree and humorous.

They fell silent after that and Olivia kept gazing down at the grass she was playing with.

" _Hey…_ " Elliot called out to her, tapping her on her knee to get her attention. " _Tell me what's really going on. I know that's not really one of your goals and I know that's not what Kathy thinks._ "

Olivia just shrugged and avoided eye contact.

" _Talk to me?_ " Elliot asked lightly.

" _It is one of my goals, isn't it?_ " She asked him lightly.

" _Look at me, Liv._ " He asked and she looked up. He was gazing at her with a serious face. " _It's only one of your goals if you want it to be, you know that. But I gotta tell you, I think you have bigger fish to fry right now…_ " Elliot commented.

" _I want to be able to have sex again._ " She told him honestly.

A conversation that had started out light, had suddenly gotten so heavy.

" _I thought you didn't know if you…._ " Elliot trailed off, trying to figure out how to phrase his sentence but Olivia answered him anyways.

" _I didn't know if I would ever want to be touched again, sexually, or if I'd ever want sex again but I've decided it's going to be something that I work on. I WILL have sex again…_ " Olivia stressed. " _It may take a lot of therapy and it may be a couple years down the road… but it will happen… it has too._ " She whispered the end of her sentence.

" _Why are you saying it has to?_ " Elliot asked, trying to understand her line of thinking.

" _Because I can't be that broken…_ " She replied, barely registering that tears were now trailing down her face. " _I can't let him do that to me… to…. us._ " She whispered.

Elliot smiled. He shouldn't have but he did because she'd said 'us'. She'd referred to him and herself as something other than friends.

Elliot took a deep breath and slid over until he was right next to her.

" _Come here._ " He said gently as he wrapped his right arm around her shoulders, leaning back into the tree and letting her lean on him.

" _I don't care if we never have sex. I told you that._ " Elliot stated.

" _I'm not stupid, El. You're a man._ " She replied as she rested her head on his right shoulder.

" _Yeah, but I'm a good one. I'm not a cheat. I'm not gonna leave just because you don't put out… I've told you before and I'll tell you again, Liv, I've got two hands. Give me a couple of Playboy's and I'm good to go…_ " That earned him a light smack on the chest which made him smile.

" _If you get to look at Playboy's, then I get to look at Playgirl's…_ " Olivia joked. She honestly didn't mind if he looked at magazines or watched porn. She'd hadn't minded that in many of her relationships. When she was younger, in her early twenties, it'd bothered her, but as she had gotten older and understood more things, she didn't mind it. Most men just wanted to look at the magazines and videos to get off, it wasn't about the women or attraction, it was about one thing, getting off.

Elliot hugged her tighter. " _I'd love nothing more than to watch you as you flipped through a Playgirl magazine._ " He said in a husky voice and she felt a shiver run down her spine.

" _You keep talking like that and you're gonna get smacked again…_ " She warned him playfully. He just smiled.

Their relationship or whatever it was, was becoming more open and comfortable for them both.

" _You wanna go get some ice cream?_ " Elliot asked, feeling it was best to change the subject.

Olivia felt she didn't deserve ice cream after the weekend she'd had though.

" _Are you… are you coming back to my place?_ " Olivia asked hesitantly, like she was scared all of the sudden that Elliot had spent time away from her and decided he'd rather be at his bachelor pad.

" _If it's okay with you…_ " He replied. In all honestly, he'd planned on going back to staying with her but he was trying to make sure she was okay with that.

" _I'd like for you to._ " Olivia said shyly.

" _Good, because I've already got all my stuff in my car…_ " He told her with a smile, confessing what his plans had been.

 **Thoughts?**


	39. Chapter 39

" _What the hell happened while I was gone?_ " Elliot asked as he opened the refrigerator and saw that there was no more vodka left. In a way, he was glad.

At least she hadn't gone out and bought replacement vodka so he couldn't tell how much she'd drank.

Elliot glanced behind him towards the living room where Olivia was supposed to be but he didn't see her. When he heard slight movement, he concluded that she'd laid down on the couch.

He huffed, shutting the fridge and making his way to the living room.

Sure enough, Olivia Benson was laying down on the couch with a blanket on top of her.

" _Wanna watch a few episodes of Golden Girls with me?_ " She asked, looking up at him innocently. His heart nearly broke but he gave her a thin smile anyways. " _Sure._ " He replied. Then, he made his way over to the end of the couch that her feet occupied, picked them up, and sat down, releasing her feet to rest in his lap.

Elliot decided he wouldn't question her about the drinking and vodka. At least not now, not when she looked so broken and fragile.

" _I never thought I'd actually binge watch this TV show…_ " Elliot commented.

Olivia snorted.

He began lightly rubbing her feet. He'd done it a couple of times since he'd been staying with her. It seemed to calm her but it helped him too. Just being able to touch her, to have her with him, and to know that she's physically okay even if she wasn't okay mentally. It helped calm him.

They only had about three more seasons of The Golden Girls before they watched the entire series. Lately, they'd been spending afternoons watching it, or nights, depending on how Olivia was doing with sleeping. Each episode was only about twenty-two minutes long since there were no commercials. It wasn't bad and they had been flying through them.

" _Did you and Kathy ever have TV shows that you watched together?_ " Olivia asked silently.

Elliot stopped rubbing her feet momentarily and glanced down at where her head rested on the other end of the couch. The brunette's eyes were still on the TV. So, he started back rubbing her feet and gave her an answer.

" _ER mostly. A few episodes of Grey's Anatomy here and there. It was mostly medical oriented shows since Kathy liked that stuff._ " He told her.

Olivia cast him a small glance and his eyes met hers.

" _Do you miss it?_ " She asked in a small voice. There was an underlying question, they both knew it.

" _Do I miss staying up late watching medical shows with Kathy?_ " He asked. " _No._ " Elliot answered his own question, giving Olivia another thin smile. " _But that's not what you were asking, was it?_ "

Olivia bit her lip before taking a deep breath and turning her gaze back to the TV. Her stomach was doing flips. She almost hated that she'd brought the topic up but sometimes her mouth had a mind of its own.

They'd already had this conversation before.

Elliot had told Olivia that he didn't miss Kathy, but he did miss being married and having a family atmosphere.

The minutes ticked by as Olivia stayed silent and continued to watch Dorothy and Sophia argue on the screen.

" _I miss having a woman to come home to, having a woman that loves me_." Elliot said quietly and Olivia turned her head to look at him.

" _El…_ " She whispered to him but he continued as he stared at her feet that he was still massaging.

" _I don't miss Kathy per say, just the feeling of her being there, knowing that no matter what happened, I was safe with her, that she'd pull me out of whatever hole I'd managed to crawl into…_ "

Olivia sat up now, retracting her feet from Elliot's lap.

" _Hey…_ " She called to him, placing her right hand lightly on his left shoulder. " _You know how I feel… do you need me to say it? Because I will._ " She looked at him with sadness and concern and prayed to God that she wasn't bluffing, that she'd actually be able to manage the words if he asked that of her.

" _I know you care._ " He gave her a thin smile, and placed his right hand over hers, giving it a small squeeze before letting his hand rest in his lap. " _That wasn't to make you feel bad or sad, I was just being honest. You wanted to know what I missed, that was it. That's all._ " Elliot told her calmly.

" _Don't belittle the way I feel about you._ " She said strongly, removing her hand from his shoulder and sitting up straighter, bunching the blanket in her lap and letting it spill onto the floor.

" _I'm not._ " He replied, still looking at her.

" _You questioning how I feel?_ " Olivia asked almost fiercely. " _Is that what's going on here?_ "

Elliot quickly shook his head.

" _I've never questioned how you felt ever since Gitano happened, Liv…_ "

Dead silence hung in the air. The episode of The Golden Girls was long forgotten. They'd have to back it up and rewatch it later.

Olivia stared at him and he stared right back. She could barely breathe. She couldn't think of what to say, what needed to be said. There were a lot of sore subjects to talk about when it came to Olivia Benson and this was one of them. It was one of the few times that she'd almost lost her partner, literally. Elliot's life had been in the balance.

" _So, you automatically assumed I was in love with you because I wouldn't fucking murder you?_ " Once again, Olivia's mouth had decided to have a mind of its and her body had decided it was being attacked by the other party, which was unfortunately Elliot.

Gitano had been bad enough but when Elliot had asked Olivia to take a shot that would have almost certainly killed him, she'd lost it and began arguing with herself about whether she should take it or not. It was pure agony.

" _That's not what I said._ " Elliot told her calmly even though his breath had hitched at her mention of the 'L' word.

Olivia forced herself off the couch and started pacing the room.

" _You were married_." She told him silently as she stared at the floor. Elliot got up slowly but kept his distance.

" _That doesn't stop feelings from forming…_ " Elliot told her lightly. " _And after Gitano, you ran, you transferred to computer crimes because we were too close…_ " He tried, seeking the truth.

" _I ran so I wouldn't cause you to be an adulterer!_ " Olivia exclaimed, looking up to meet his gaze. " _When you first came back here after the first Lewis incident, when we had that first conversation, I told you I would have never let you cheat on Kathy and I didn't. I did what I had to do in order to keep us on the straight and narrow._ " She huffed.

" _We both were pretty fucked up for a little bit after that…_ " Elliot commented. " _But I know you loved me because of the way you looked at me, because when I looked into your eyes, I could see your soul. I know you loved me because you weren't just keeping me alive because it was in the job description, you were doing it because it's what your heart told you to do. I was all you had and I was the one good thing in your life. The only thing that your mother and father couldn't touch, the one person who understood you from all point of views…_ "

Olivia's tears spilled over onto her cheeks. She hadn't anticipated this, she hadn't seen this coming. He was being too open with her when she could only open herself up a small amount at a time right now.

" _I knew you loved me because you left me and ran to computer crimes. You would have rather seen me happy with my wife and kids than fuck up my home life by having sex with me. If you truly love something, let it go… isn't that the saying?_ " Elliot asked. " _And if it truly loves you, it'll come back?_ " He spoke softly as he walked closer to her, not sure what her reaction would be. " _Well, here I am, Liv. I'm back and I'm not leaving you ever again._ " He said, giving her a small smile.

" _You son-of-a-bitch._ " She said as she threw her arms around his neck.

Elliot let out a small laugh at her name calling. She was trying to act angry that he'd made her cry and that he'd found a way for them to say they love each other without really saying the words. He knew she was uncomfortable with those three little words.

He wrapped his arms around her back as she cried into his right shoulder.

" _You asked if I missed it, if I missed my old life. I was just answering the question, that's all._ " Elliot whispered in her ear. " _I'll always be friends with Kathy… we have kids together and we were best friends for years and years…_ " He said. " _But I'll never miss her because we became toxic for each other. We both said hurtful things that we can't take back but we've moved on and…_ " Elliot took a deep breath. " _I'm in love with someone else now… not Kathy._ "

Olivia's arms tightened around his neck and her body shook slightly. He felt her place a kiss on his collar bone.

Finally, after a couple more minutes of intense hugging and silence, Olivia pulled back.

Elliot gave her a light smile and wiped her hair out of her face. Then took it upon himself to take her face in both of his hands and wipe her tears away.

" _Whatever happened this weekend, we can talk about it or just forget it happened, it doesn't matter. I'm here for you either way_." He told her.

Olivia reached up and let her right hand cover his left one that was still resting on her cheek.

He was glad that she was calming down from her mini freak out session.

" _When Kathy was talking to me… she was very nice…_ " Olivia said in a small voice.

" _Yeah… you've said as much. I would expect nothing less from her._ " He told Olivia.

" _No, I mean really nice… she gave me her blessing… to be with you._ "

Elliot cocked his head to the side a bit. " _You didn't need it but yeah, that was nice of her. Honestly, she did it more for you than for her. She wanted you to feel comfortable._ "

Olivia's eyes narrowed at him.

" _You knew she was going to do that?_ "

He huffed and slowly dropped his hand from her cheek, hers dropping also in the process.

" _She may have already told me we had her blessing._ " Elliot told her.

Olivia looked at him intensely, trying to read him.

" _I don't talk about you to her much, just when she asks how you're doing or if you're okay. She doesn't ask about my personal life with you, the redhead, or anyone and I don't kiss and tell…_." Elliot tried to explain. " _What happens between us stays between us unless you say otherwise._ " He promised her.

" _Why didn't you tell me?_ " Olivia asked.

" _I didn't want you to feel pressured to be in a relationship with me._ " He answered honeslty.

Olivia bit her lip.

" _She knows I was raped…_ " She said in a small voice.

" _I didn't tell her._ " Elliot said quickly, throwing his hands palms up in surrender.

Olivia smiled. " _I know. She figured it out. Apparently, she'd been married to an SVU detective long enough to pick up some tactics and clues._ "

" _You okay with her knowing?_ " Elliot asked curiously.

" _I think she feels sorry for me but that comes with the territory…_." Olivia answered honestly. She never liked when people felt sorry for her but here she could make an exception. This wasn't something she had control over and people feeling sorry for her was the least of her worries right now.

" _I know there's a few people that keep trying to label us right now but… we don't have to label anything. We can just be us._ " Elliot told her with a shrug. It was true, Kathy hadn't tried to put a label on them but she'd fished. Amanda had definitely tried putting a label on them and Fin, well he was just there and aware that they were a 'thing'.

" _Can I kiss you?_ " Olivia asked suddenly, biting her lip again. " _After… all the things you've just said… I have an overwhelming urge to kiss you…_ " She confessed. The line about 'letting something you love go and it coming back to you' had really gotten her. She'd wanted to kiss him ever since he'd said it, ever since he'd basically just told her that he loved her even though she already knew that much.

" _You gonna have another panic attack?_ " Elliot question, half joking.

She let out a small laugh and rolled her eyes.

He just put his hands in his front pockets and gave her a small nod all the while smiling.

Olivia leaned forward, grabbing his face in both hands and planted a long kiss on his lips. He of course kissed her back and there was no tongue involved. Then she gave him a couple small pecks before fully pulling back.

He'd kept his hands in his pockets, not wanting to touch her, not knowing if he was allowed to touch her.

" _Was that okay?_ " Olivia asked him shyly.

" _Aren't I supposed to be asking you that?_ " He asked.

" _I… I'm making progress._ " She quietly announced and shrugged.

" _Progress with kissing and human contact, yes. With the drinking and vodka… not so much._ " He said as he glanced back at the fridge in the kitchen.

Olivia shrugged again. " _It's not every day._ " She told him honestly, but that was just her excuse.

" _Did Serena use to say that?_ " He questioned lightly.

Olivia was quiet. It was like a punch to the gut. Serena did use to say that, in the beginning when Olivia was a small girl and her mother hadn't quiet developed into a full-blown, raging alcoholic.

She lowered her head to look at the floor.

" _Yeah…_ " Elliot said lightly, sighing. " _We're not buying more. I'm cutting you off._ "

Olivia looked up to protest. She wanted to tell him that he couldn't do that, that he couldn't tell her what to do or what to buy.

" _Try me._ " He dared her as if he could read her mind. She relentlessly agreed, but knew that she still had vodka stashed in her night stand if she really wanted it.

" _I'm sorry._ " Olivia said lightly.

" _Don't be. We all have our demons._ " He told her. " _Do you want to finish watching our TV show?_ " He asked.

 **Thoughts?**


	40. Chapter 40

**Thanks for the reviews!**

" _This one's pretty…_ " Amanda commented and held up the royal blue scarf to show Olivia. It truly was beautiful and made Amanda's blue eyes pop.

" _I think you should get it._ " Olivia told the younger woman.

The blonde nodded in agreement, not needing to be told twice and went to the register to make her purchase.

They'd gone to a store in the less crowded part of the city that had a small mall, or at least as less crowded as possible. It was New York City after all.

The brunette had ended up staying unusually close to the blonde but Amanda didn't dare comment on it, nor did she try to move away.

Olivia had gazed around at the people close to their vicinity, scanning their faces and taking in their appearances. She had looked a little flustered when they'd entered the store.

" _You okay?_ " Amanda had asked hesitantly.

" _Yeah… yeah_." Olivia had whispered. " _I just… people._ " She said, almost hanging her head in shame.

" _Hey,_ " Amanda called, causing Olivia to look at her. " _We can go somewhere else? We can just go sit at the park? If you wanna go home, that's okay too…_ "

" _No._ " The brunette replied somewhat strongly. " _I promised Elliot I'd try to do this and I will… I am…_ "

She had promised Elliot that she would work on her socialization skills. It was part of her progress. He wanted to take her on a date eventually and she wanted him to just as much but she'd need to be more comfortable in public, never mind her actually being comfortable with the idea that Elliot Stabler would be taking her on a date… that was something else she was working on as well…

On top of that, her therapist was recommending the same thing; little by little, ease yourself back into the public, get used to being out again, do some small activities like going to a movie, going out to eat, or just walking to get coffee.

Monday had turned out to be a decent day for them. Olivia hadn't made it through the night without waking up but with all the trauma and the flashback over the weekend, that was to be expected.

" _Let's go shopping._ " Elliot had suggested around nine o'clock that morning. " _Women like that, right?_ " He shrugged, looking at her as she lounged on the couch and he stood across the room.

Olivia held her laugh in. She didn't want to hurt his feelings because he really was trying to help her make progress and to lift her spirits. So, instead, she cocked her head to the side and gave him a smirk.

" _Is this the part where you give me your credit card and tell me not to go over a certain spending limit?_ " She asked, causing him to smirk in return and make his way over to her couch.

" _I'd give you my whole damn wallet if I thought it'd help you feel better…_ " Elliot told her honestly as he sat down beside her.

Olivia gave his efforts a small smile and she patted him on the knee. " _You don't even like shopping, El._ "

" _Maybe I do._ " He offered with a shrug.

" _You do not. And I know this because I can recall countless conversations of you giving Kathy your credit card just to get out of going shopping with her for whatever she needed or the kids needed…_ " Olivia reminded him. " _You even gave Kathleen your credit card just so you wouldn't have to go prom dress shopping with her._ "

Elliot rolled his eyes. " _Which was clearly a mistake…_ " He commented. " _She came back with a dress that was so short her ass was almost hanging out. I ended up having to go anyways just to make sure she got a proper dress…_ " Elliot huffed.

Olivia laughed at his frustration that came along with his memory of Kathleen and the dress.

" _Can I make a suggestion?_ " Elliot asked.

She eyed him with curiosity, mostly because she could read him. She could sense that he had something up his sleeve but nodded her head anyways.

" _Call Amanda… have a girl's day with her._ "

Olivia instantly shook her head no.

" _It's Monday. She's working._ "

Elliot shrugged. " _Maybe she's not._ "

Her eyes narrowed at him.

" _Maybe,_ " he continued. " _She took a personal day… maybe she'd like to go shopping too?_ " Elliot tried even though he knew he'd never lie to her if she flat out asked him what was going on. And in a way, she did.

" _Who told you she's off today?_ " Olivia asked calmly.

" _Fin._ " Elliot replied.

" _You and Fin set this up?_ " She asked, trying not to be angry with the two men in her life that have cared about her and been there for her.

" _No._ " He shook his head hard, throwing his hands up slightly. " _Fin called me this morning to check on you. He mentioned Amanda had been down, not sick but just emotionally down. Said she'd taken a personal day. I told him I'd see if you wanted to get together with her but that it was up to you and for him not to say anything to her about it._ " Elliot told her honestly.

After some more coaxing, Elliot had finally convinced Olivia to give it a shot. She'd put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that happened to be tight and fitted her figure. She'd text Amanda instead of calling, halfway hoping the younger woman would be busy or wouldn't reply but she had replied and Amanda had come to pick Olivia up later that morning.

So now, Olivia stood, waiting for the blonde to finish paying the cashier for the blue scarf that she'd just purchased.

" _Didn't see anything you liked?_ " Amanda asked as she made her way closer to Olivia, who shook her head. " _Okay, we can go to another store if you want…_ " The blonde told her. They'd been out walking about for an hour or so.

Olivia shrugged and they began to walk down the line of stores.

" _Ooooh._ " Amanda commented as they came upon a store that sparked her interest.

" _Amanda…_ " Olivia called but the blonde was already inside the store. Olivia rolled her eyes and reluctantly followed her into the Victoria's Secret lingerie store, which was surprisingly not full of people, but then again it was midday on a Monday…

The brunette gazed around at all the different colors and styles of sexy underwear, bras, and other lingerie the store had to offer.

" _I haven't been in a lingerie store in years…_ " Olivia commented, a little phased as she caught up with Amanda.

The blonde looked at her.

" _Elliot was a marine, right? Scarlet, grey, and gold are marine colors… I'm sure he'd love this scarlet two piece with the navy outlining…_ " Amanda smiled as she held up a clothes hanger which showcased an open cup bra attached to a corset with a thong and garter set.

Olivia's eyes went wide and her face went a little red.

" _No._ " She firmly stated. " _God, no._ " She exclaimed, looking over the outfit. " _I'm in my mid-forties Amanda, things don't exactly look like they did when I was twenty or even thirty…_ "

Amanda was just happy to hear that she was denying the outfit because of her age and not because of her trauma or fucked up sex drive due to her assault.

" _I'd never fit into that in a million years… It wouldn't be sexy on me, trust me._ " Olivia continued, trying to get past her embarrassment that not only had her coworker and once subordinate taken her into a lingerie store, but was now picking out things for her.

Amanda rolled her eyes. " _The point of lingerie is to make a woman sexy no matter what her body looks like._ " She explained. " _And you look more than fine…_." The blonde said, glancing up and down Olivia's body.

Olivia's mouth gapped open.

" _Don't check me out!_ " Olivia exclaimed, suddenly readjusting her shirt around her midsection and casting Amanda a look.

" _I'm not._ " Amanda explained with a smirk, trying not to laugh at Olivia. " _But you have a nice rack and a nice ass. That's all men need and care about most of the time…_ " She shrugged. Amanda was trying her best to make this seem like a normal girl's outting. She was talking about things that normal girlfriends would and she was trying to act somewhat normal around Olivia, like as if the older woman hadn't been assaulted over a week ago.

Olivia huffed as her face began to turn red again.

" _Well the rack is starting to sag and so is the ass…. And stop taking my inventory, Rollins._ " The brunette said firmly, then yanked the lingerie set out of the blonde's hands and put it back.

Amanda only smirked at her. It was clear that Olivia was a private woman. Or maybe she was just private with Amanda because they ranked differently and this was a newer friendship for her.

" _How are things going with you and Elliot?_ " Amanda asked as she kept browsing a rack of multi-colored bra and thong sets.

Olivia shot her a look. " _Stop fishing…_ " She commanded lightly.

" _What?_ " Amanda replied innocently. " _It's girls day out… we're supposed to talk about this shit._ "

" _Speaking of today…_ " Olivia started as she joined Amanda in browsing the rack, making random faces at some of the things she saw that she knew she'd never wear for a man. " _You want to tell me why you took today off?_ " She asked, cocking her eye brow in question as she held up a indigo blue bra and thong set. " _You'd probably look good in this… blue is your color…_ "

Amanda snorted. " _We shopping for me now?_ "

Olivia laughed and put the set back.

" _I'm serious though… what's going on?_ " She asked with a touch of concern, looking at Amanda and waiting for her to make eye contact.

" _Nothing._ " The blonde shrugged. " _Just needed a day off._ " She answered.

" _Coming from the woman who likes to work overtime whenever it's offered?_ " Olivia looked at Amanda intensely. " _I don't buy that for a second."_ She said as they moved over to the '5 pair for $25 dollars' panty sale.

The blonde still avoided Olivia's gaze but answered her none-the-less. " _I only do that to help me stay busy when I feel like gambling…_ " She explained. " _Hey, these are cute…_ " Amanda said as she threw a pair of leopard, crotchless panties at Olivia, who caught them mid-air. " _They would probably go great with your olive skin too…_ " The blonde stated, pressing her lips together to keep herself from laughing.

Olivia groaned. " _Please don't make me buy something from this store…_ " She said, making a face at the panties in her hands. " _I'd never wear these and there's no way in hell a medium is going to fit me anyways._ " Olivia rolled her eyes and put the underwear back.

" _You haven't even bought anything at all today… I'm the only one wasting money so far._ " Amanda stated. " _Don't you need a new bra?_ " The blonde asked, waving her hand in front of the wall of bras.

" _Even if I wanted a new one, these are like sixty dollars…_ " Olivia stated in slight disgust. It wasn't like she didn't have the money. She had a savings account that she'd put a good bit into over the years. Olivia used to be a hardcore workaholic. She wasn't rich by any means but she was financially comfortable for the most part.

Amanda shrugged. " _I know you don't go out shopping, I know you like to drown yourself in your work. Splurge on yourself a little._ " She encouraged. Then her face softened as did her voice. " _It's okay to do that every now and then. You should buy something that makes you feel good… It doesn't have to be for Elliot._ "

Olivia rolled her eyes again. " _I am not shopping for Elliot._ " She insisted. " _I don't even want to think about that…_ " She said, shaking her head. " _And I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror… I wouldn't be buying it for me either._ "

" _You know, it's been proven that when women have underwear and bras that fit them perfectly, that make them feel confident, it makes them carry themselves better, stronger. It puts a pep in their step._ " Amanda shared the statistic, looking at Olivia. " _I know your scars bother you, but if we're being honest, I thought they would be a lot worse than they were._ "

Olivia briefly felt like she was going to be sick.

" _I… I'd forgotten that you'd seen them._ " She whispered, glancing around the store then busing herself with flipping through some bras in front of her.

" _Yeah._ " Amanda gave her a small smile. " _When you showed Amelia's sister to comfort her. They didn't look that bad, kinda even looked like they were fading a little._ "

Olivia gave her a small smile back even though she didn't really feel like smiling.

" _Elliot's ex-wife gave me some scar cream to put on them. I haven't been using it like I should but it was helping…_ " Olivia commented.

Amanda's eyebrows shot up. " _That was real nice of her…_ " She replied.

"Yeah… it was. She's a nurse." Olivia said, giving her a warning look again, silently telling the younger woman with her eyes not to fish for more information.

The blonde nodded in understanding.

" _I think you should get this one._ " She said, grabbing a bra that was sexy but would cover the nipples. It wasn't a push up per say but it would definitely hold things in place and it was deep blue, like police blue, with outlining and embroidery of black lace and could be worn as an everyday bra.

Olivia looked at it, she did like it… it was a nice color.

" _It looks like cop colors…_ " Amanda commented, handing it to her.

The brunette bit her lip and thought for a moment.

" _Fine…_ " She relented, even though she wasn't even sure when she'd wear it.

" _They have matching underwear…_ " Amanda commented, browsing the wall next to it.

" _Not a thong._ " Olivia commented. " _Bikini style?_ " She asked.

" _Yeah, they have that style too._ " She told her.

Olivia nodded. " _Okay, make yourself scarce so I can find my size and check out…_ "

" _Are you really embarrassed for me to see what size you wear?_ " Amanda questioned, trying not to seem hurt.

" _It's not that I'm embarrassed._ " Olivia explained. " _It's just that I don't want you knowing my size and end up buying me more things that you think I need…_ "

Alex used to do that to her when she'd finally found out what sizes Olivia wore. If the attorney was shopping for herself, sometimes she'd pick up the same thing for Olivia but in a different style or color.

A few times, it made the brunette uncomfortable because she wasn't accustomed to receiving gifts, expensive ones at that, but she understood that Alex hadn't had many female friends so, it was something that she allowed the blonde woman to do occasionally.

Amanda rolled her eyes. " _That's what friends do._ " She replied.

Olivia sighed but didn't bother waiting for Amanda to leave her vicinity as she began searching for her size in the bras and then in the underwear.

Once she found them, she went to the register and paid. It'd been forever since she'd bought anything like this for herself and of course they put them in a nice, hot pink Victoria's Secret bag so everyone in the mall would know this middle-aged woman, a sergeant none-the-less, had just bought something at a lingerie store…

" _Do you want to stop and get something for lunch now?_ " Olivia asked lightly as she joined Amanda with her Victoria's Secret bag in tow. It was around eleven now and if they went ahead and ate, they'd beat the lunch crowd.

" _Sure. Food court?_ " The younger woman suggested. It just seemed more realistic. Olivia and Amanda could be complete opposites sometimes. At least at the food court there would be a variety of things to eat from several different vendors and food chains.

Olivia nodded and they began to walk down the indoor mall towards the food court, which was just around the corner.

Amanda ended up getting a loaded baked potato and Olivia decided to get the grilled chicken salad. All the sudden, the lingerie made the brunette want to spontaneously eat healthy.

" _You never answered my question…_ " Olivia stated as she stabbed a piece of chicken with her fork and put it in her mouth.

" _What question?_ " The blonde asked as she busied herself with spreading butter into her potato.

" _Why did you take today off?_ " Olivia asked lightly.

Amanda huffed and glanced to take a look at their surroundings. They were seated in a corner of the food court away from the vendors and away from the majority of the people. The blonde had picked the table but she'd done it on purpose to keep Olivia away from the general population.

" _I kind of don't wanna talk about it…_ " Amanda stated, her southern accent getting thicker.

Olivia shrugged her shoulders. " _Okay, but if you want to, I'm here._ " She offered, gazing at Amanda as she tried to read her.

" _Stop it._ " The blonde demanded softly.

Olivia looked surprised. " _Stop what?_ " She asked in confusion as she stirred her salad a bit.

" _You're doing that thing you do._ " She said, pointing towards Olivia.

" _What thing?_ " Olivia asked, concerned that she was doing something to upset Amanda.

" _Your thing._ " The younger woman replied.

" _I have a thing?_ " The brunette asked, thoroughly confused now.

Amanda nodded. " _You're giving me your victim eyes. It's that look you get when you're trying to coax a rape story out of a victim or survivor. That thing you do when you're trying to make a connection and be all comforting._ "

Olivia's eyebrows went up. She knew that 'thing' very well.

" _Oh… that thing. I'm sorry. Sometimes I don't know when I'm doing it, I just slip into the role…_ " She replied apologetically.

" _You're here as my friend…_ " Amanda stated.

" _I am. And as your friend, I'm concerned…_ " Olivia said lightly, giving her a small smile.

" _My mom called… she said Deputy Chief Patton had won some type of award again… there was a ceremony, it was on the news. She went on and on about him, about how wonderful he was and all the good he's doing for the town._ " Amanda confessed with a sigh.

" _And he's the one who…_ " Olivia said slowly.

" _Yeah._ " Amanda roller her eyes and scoffed. " _He's a real piece of work._ " She said. " _I felt like I was on the edge of being triggered. I'd rather gamble than have a flashback any day, but I took the day off so I could breathe and calm myself… you know, keep myself in check._ "

Olivia nodded. She understood all too well.

A somber look passed over Olivia's face. She couldn't help but feeling sad for Amanda. Sad that she hadn't properly gotten justice, sad that he was a public figure, and sad that she had to hear about him from her mom.

" _You said the whole town knew, that you reported…_ " Olivia said. Amanda nodded. " _Then your mother must know…_ " Again, Amanda nodded. Olivia shook her head from side to side and pressed her lips together tightly in anger.

" _Yeah, she's a real piece of work too._ " The blonde commented as she let out a sarcastic laugh and took a bite of her baked potato.

" _I'm so sorry she's like that. And Amanda, this isn't one of the 'things' I do. I'm being sincere. No one should ever have to hear a parent brag about their attacker._ " Olivia told her, reaching her hand across the table and gently placed her hand on top of Amanda's left one that was resting on the table. " _Maybe it would be best for you to cut ties with your mom. Especially if she acts like that, treats you like shit and talks to you about your assailant on purpose._ "

Amanda gave her a thin smile and took a sip of her drink while Olivia retracted her hand.

" _She's my mom… that's just how she acts._ " The blonde explained with a shrug.

Olivia shook her head. " _No mother should act like that. She's not acting like a mother. Blood doesn't make someone family, Amanda. It's how that act with you, how they treat you, if they love and respect you._ " The brunette explained. " _If your mother is detrimental to your mental health, you don't need that pain and stress in your life. If she does you more harm than good…_ " Oliva huffed. " _Blood isn't always thicker than water and you CAN choose your own family… I guarantee you Fin would claim you as part of his family in a heartbeat._ " She told Amanda strongly, with fierce eyes.

" _Amanda,_ " Olivia called to the younger woman, causing her to make eye contact again. " _I believe you._ " Olivia said softly. " _I know your family might not have, the town didn't, but I do._ "

The blonde nodded and gave her friend a watery smile and a small laugh.

" _We need to talk about something else._ " Amanda said quickly. " _I'm going to start crying soon and I don't like doing that in public…_ " She said softly as she wiped her fingers under her eyes.

Olivia nodded and went back to picking at her salad.

" _I kissed Elliot…_ " She confessed quietly.

Amanda's eyebrows went up in shock. She was surprised that Olivia was divulging such private information. Especially after the way the woman had acted in the lingerie store.

Olivia didn't mind having a girlfriend to talk about Elliot with, it was just that sometimes she still felt like Amanda wasn't quite her close friend yet but then again, Olivia had always been much better at being friends with men than women.

Most women were intimidated by her anyways with the exception of Alex Cabot.

" _Well, how did that go?_ " Amanda asked, hesitantly, trying to eye Olivia but the brunette just huffed and kept looking down to pick at her salad. " _That good huh?_ " The blonde said sarcastically as her features softened.

Olivia looked up and rubbed at her eyebrow. " _I had a panic attack…_ "

" _Did you flash back?_ " Amanda asked, concerned.

The brunette shook her head.

" _What happened, Liv?_ "

Olivia huffed and looked at Amanda with small annoyance. " _You're doing the thing now…_ " She said, cocking one eyebrow up.

" _I'm doing your thing? The Benson thing?_ "

Olivia rolled her eyes. " _It's not 'the Benson thing', it's the thing that people do when they've been working a job like we have for so long…_ " She explained. " _And you're doing it now so stop._ " The brunette asked, now understanding Amanda's problem from earlier.

The blonde nodded and tried to soften her features.

" _I didn't have a panic attack because of my trauma, I had it because I kissed Elliot Stabler._ " She tried to explain but Olivia knew that it would be hard for her friend to understand since she hadn't been around when Benson and Stabler were a team. She wasn't privy to the chemistry that she and Elliot had had when they worked together.

" _Isn't that what you wanted to do?_ " Amanda asked, deciding to focus on her potato more so Olivia would feel more comfortable.

The brunette shook her head, pushing her salad away from her and deciding she was done.

"It's complicated…" Olivia tried to explain. "It's not just a fling, or seeing if we like each other or if something could be there…. We already know we have something…" Olivia confessed but then stopped short and bit her lip.

She gazed around the food court. There was a fair amount of people but it wasn't overly crowded where it'd trigger her. She just hated discussing something like this period. She almost hated discussing it with Amanda. Olivia was getting to know the younger woman well but it was still hard.

The blonde had stayed quiet, waiting for Olivia to get her bearings, she could tell this wasn't easy. To be honest, it wasn't easy for the younger woman either. She'd studied Olivia's cases when she was in Atlanta and she'd told Olivia as much on her first day at SVU. She had looked up to Olivia and it nearly killed her to know that someone had violated Olivia in the worst way. It's one of the reasons Amanda had broken down in the car with Olivia when she'd found out.

" _This is difficult for me._ " Olivia whispered as her eyes began to get glassy.

" _What is?_ " Amanda asked, with a tilt of her head as she sipped her drink.

" _This. Us. I… I don't do this. I don't have friends like this. I mean I did, I used to but…_ " Olivia huffed and ran her hand down her face then through her hair. " _I'm not good at talking. The only person I truly talk to and tell absolutely everything to is my therapist…_ "

" _Elliot's the real deal. I get it, Liv._ " Amanda told her. " _I knew it from the moment you staked your claim on him the last time we had lunch. You had a twinkle in your eye. You two walked up to the sandwich shop holding hands like two love birds._ "

Olivia rolled her eyes but she was relieved that at least Amanda somewhat got what she was saying.

" _He was holding my hand for a different reason, but yeah…_ " The brunette told her. " _He makes me feel safe._ "

" _Good, that's how it should be._ " The blonde replied. " _Are you gonna try to kiss him again?_ " She asked curiously.

" _Oh,_ " Olivia exclaimed. " _I already have. Yesterday actually._ "

" _And?_ " Amanda pushed for more information.

Olivia let out a small laugh. " _Well, I didn't have a panic attack. It was sort of an 'in the heat of the moment' type thing. I'm getting better at human contact and touching._ " She told the younger woman. " _We're not calling it a relationship yet. I still have somethings to work out but he seems adamant on being with me. I'm just worried. It's going to take me awhile to get into the romantic part of the relationship and that's if I can…_ "

Amanda gave her a look. " _Are you worried he won't stay faithful?_ "

" _He doesn't have to be faithful to me. We aren't in a relationship._ " Olivia explained, but she knew if she found out Elliot was sleeping with someone else, she'd be distraught. " _But he keeps telling me he'll wait and that if it never happens, then he's fine with that…_ "

" _He doesn't seem like the type to sleep around._ " Amanda concluded.

" _He's not. That's what I'm worried about._ " Olivia huffed. " _If I asked him to be abstinent in order to be with me because I couldn't exactly function in the bedroom due to my trauma, he would, but I don't want to do that to him."_ The brunette said. _"On one of our first cases together, he told a grand jury that sex should be one of the best parts of life, not the worst, and he's right._ " She explained, biting her lip again.

" _Does your heart skip a beat when you see him? Do you like him sleeping beside you at night, and do you like waking up to seeing him next to you in the mornings?_ " Amanda randomly asked. " _You know, does he give you butterflies?_ "

Olivia blushed but nodded.

" _Your sex drive will come back and you'll be able to do things in the bedroom again._ " Amanda promised her. " _You have strong feelings for him. It'll come back and y'all can just take it slow. Test the waters and try to gage where your triggers are and what they are sexually. I can't tell you what to do or how soon but you know…_ "

" _He wants to take me on a date. That's why I'm trying to get used to being in the vicinity of people again without getting freaked out or flashing back…_ " Olivia confessed shyly.

" _I think that's sweet._ "

" _It is._ " Olivia concluded and looked at Amanda. She was glad the younger woman was becoming her friend.

" _Are you about ready to head out?_ " Amanda asked. " _We can hit a couple more shops or go to the park?_ "

" _Yeah, let's head out and just play it by ear._ " Olivia insisted, not knowing exactly what she wanted to do, just that she didn't want anyone that she knew to catch her carrying around a Victoria's Secret shopping bag.

 **Thoughts and reviews are WELCOMED!**


	41. Chapter 41

Olivia arrived back at her apartment in the late afternoon. She and Amanda had hit up a couple more stores before splurging on ice cream and heading back to Olivia's place. Even though the brunette hadn't found anything else to purchase, she was still content on walking around and watching the blonde shop.

It gave Olivia much needed exercise and it was nice to get out of the apartment to do something carefree.

As she walked in the door, the first thing she noticed was that her living room and kitchen were empty. The TV volume was on low though, so Elliot had to be around somewhere. He wouldn't have just left the TV on if he wasn't at the apartment.

" _El?_ " She called as she walked towards the kitchen, then past it into her bedroom.

There was Elliot Stabler snoozing on her side of the bed. She smiled at the site. He must have been tired. His shoes were toed off and he had lounge pants on with a blue t-shirt.

Olivia walked closer to him and he seemed to register that another presence was in the room.

When she was standing next to him at the bedside, he turned to look at her. It was clear that he was groggy and halfway asleep.

" _Mmmm I love this dream…_ " He mumbled to himself as he reached out with his left hand to grab a handful of her ass and pull her closer.

Shock covered Olivia's face.

" _Not a dream!_ " She said to him quickly. " _Elliot, it's not a dream!_ " Olivia slightly raised her voice to wake him up as she backed away from his reach.

His eyes opened wider and began to panic after he realized what he'd done.

" _Oh god!_ " Elliot exclaimed as he stared at Oliva. " _I'm sorry!_ " He said quickly as he sat up on the edge of the bed. " _I didn't mean… I thought… shit…_ " He said as he ran a hand up and down his face to fully wake himself up.

Olivia's face softened a bit.

Elliot bit his lip and looked at her again with guilt. " _Are you okay?_ " He asked.

" _I'm okay._ " She promised him, giving him a nod.

" _Did I… Did I trigger you?_ " Elliot asked lightly. He was breathing hard, he was still panicked.

Olivia gave him a thin smile as she slowly walked closer to him but he stood up before she could make it to the bed.

" _Shit, I did, didn't I?_ " He said sadly. " _Fuck._ " He whispered as he ran a hand over his short hair.

Olivia sat her Victoria's Secret bag down on the bed and turned to look at him, where he'd walked close to the bathroom door. She shook her head lightly. " _I wasn't triggered. You just… surprised me…_ " Olivia said lightly.

Truth was, she had been briefly taken aback and she almost panicked but she was able to see Elliot and reminded herself that it was his hand on her ass and not Lewis. Still, it had been unexpected and her natural reaction had been to instantly step back, to quickly get away from the uninvited hand.

Elliot took a deep breath and looked at her. He hated himself. He'd had a dream so similar to that many times and he'd been so tired from not getting much sleep last night, he'd just thought it was a wet dream.

He quickly retreated to her master bathroom and shut the door behind him.

Olivia felt her eyes water. She wasn't quite sure why though. Elliot feeling guilty saddened her but her heart was also racing. He'd never touched her like that and she couldn't say whether she liked it or not because she hadn't been prepared for it.

She wished she had been though. Olivia wanted more than anything to have a relationship with Elliot where they could have little moments like that, where he could gently hit her on the ass as she walked by or where he could pull her on top of him when he was feeling a little frisky.

What he'd said had struck her too. It was like he'd had a similar dream before, like he'd dreamed about them in bed together. Olivia would be lying if she said she hadn't had similar fantasies.

They'd had feelings for crying out loud. Half the time when Olivia was single before Elliot had left SVU, there were a few times she'd fantasize about him when she'd have a vibrator in her hand. She felt bad about it sometimes, he was a married man who had a family, but fantasies were just that, fantasies. It'd be just like fantasizing about George Clooney or Brad Pitt.

Kissing was the latest hurdle that Olivia had managed to get past. She still wasn't super comfortable with it but at least it was progress, it was something that was happening. And it was something she felt that Elliot needed right now…

" _El?_ " Olivia called as she made her way over to the bathroom door and knocked. " _Please, Elliot…_ " She said lightly through the door.

He couldn't take her begging or the sadness in her voice.

" _It's not locked…_ " He called lightly, giving her consent to enter the bathroom.

The door slowly opened and she saw him. Elliot was braced with his hands on the counter, looking at himself in the mirror. His eyes were watery.

Her eyes locked with his in the mirror as she made her way to him, walking behind him. Olivia pulled at his hip lightly until he complied, turning around and facing her.

" _I'm sorry…_ " He whispered, looking at her with sad eyes.

" _I know._ " She replied as she moved to put her arms loosely around his neck. " _Put your arms around my waist._ " Olivia commanded lightly.

Elliot hesitated for a moment but finally did as he was told even though he was almost scared to touch her again.

Olivia's right hand trailed its way up the back of Elliot's head as she gently massaged his scalp. She was trying to ease his worry, his panic.

" _You're not a trigger for me._ " Olivia said as she stared at him lovingly. She was studying his face, trying to gage what he was feeling and how she could best cater to his needs. She moved her right hand from the back of his head to his left cheek as she caressed his face.

Her eyes closed as she leaned in to plant a kiss on his lips. His eyes had closed automatically as well, instinct and reaction taking him over. Olivia pushed her lips harder against his as she surprised them both by opening up her mouth to him.

Elliot accepted her offer, opening his mouth as well but he didn't dare move his tongue into hers. She continued to kiss him with open mouth kisses until she couldn't take any more and she pulled away, keeping her eyes closed as she moved her head to rest her right cheek against his right one.

Olivia was seeking skin-on-skin contact.

" _Are you okay?_ " He whispered to her but he kept his eyes closed in hopes of savoring the moment.

" _Yeah…_ " Olivia whispered back as she put her right arm back around his neck and let her hand draw lazy circles on his shoulder.

" _You sure? Because you don't seem okay…_ " Elliot stated.

She removed her head from his and decided on resting her forehead on his right shoulder.

" _It's just… it's you, okay?_ " Olivia stated, taking a deep breath and trying to figure out how to say what she actually felt and what was going through her mind half the time. " _I never thought that this would happen… I'm kissing you and it's something I thought I would never get. Sometimes… sometimes it's all unreal to me._ " She said.

Olivia noticed that Elliot's grip on her tightened and she felt him nod his head in understanding.

A beat of silence passed as they held onto each other. There's nothing that he wouldn't do for her. He'd do anything to make her more comfortable with the idea of 'them' but there wasn't really anything that he could do, aside from what he was doing now.

" _I know I keep say that I'm sorry for what I did earlier, but I am… I mean I-_ "

Olivia jerked back quickly as her eyes sprung open, grabbing his right shoulder with her left hand to stabilize herself as she placed the pointer finger from her right hand to his lips to shush him, also causing Elliot's eyes to open in confusion. He did as he was directed though, he shut up and didn't finish his sentence.

" _If you're about to say you assaulted me… sexually assaulted me…_ " Olivia looked at him with dangerously serious eyes. " _That is going to hurt me more than any flashback or trigger ever could…_ " She told him.

Technically, by definition, it was sexual assault. It was an unwanted ass grab that Olivia hadn't consented to, but only because she hadn't been given the option or a warning. She hadn't had time to prepare or give consent.

Elliot looked saddened. He'd never do anything to hurt her.

She studied his eyes and finally removed her finger from his lips. Olivia's fingers from each hand traveled down his arms until she reached behind herself and found where his hands were resting on her lower back.

Olivia grabbed Elliot's hands in her own, placing her hands on top of his, as she took a deep breath and briefly closed her eyes then exhaled. She watched his face change into confusion as she began to gently slip his hands into the back pockets of her jeans, palms down.

" _This is allowed._ " She told him softly even though the look on her face said she was still unsure, which made Elliot shake his head in protest and try to remove his hands but her own kept his there in place. " _No._ " She said lightly. " _It's allowed._ " Olivia repeated with more conviction.

" _You're not comfortable with this._ " Elliot said, stating the obvious for them, eyeing her. He didn't want her to push herself just to make him feel better.

Olivia gave him a thin smile. " _These stay here for now._ " She told him, emphasizing his hands with her own, letting him know that when she removed her hands from his, she wanted him to remain cupping her ass. Elliot complied even though he didn't think it was a great idea.

She removed her arms from behind herself and wrapped them around Elliot's neck again.

" _Dr. Lindstrom is familiar with who you are and what you mean to me. He knows what we are, what we're trying to be…_ " Olivia tried to explain. " _I'm supposed to start working on small things like little touches, hugs, holding hands or lacing arms together when I'm walking with someone… things like that._ " Elliot remained watching her closely. He knew she was working on things with her therapist and he also knew that he probably came up in conversation fairly often, especially since he was playing a big part in her recovery now.

Olivia had held hands with Elliot before and she was getting better at touching and hugging him. She'd let him hold her tightly when she'd had her first flashback after the second Lewis attack, and sometimes at night, she'd snuggle up beside him or put her arm around him. Elliot had been the one to bring her out of it. She'd needed human contact then, she'd needed Elliot.

" _I can work on hugs and things like that with Amanda and Fin… you too of course but…_ " Olivia said and she trailed off.

" _But what?_ " Elliot asked curiously, cocking his head to the side. He was still very aware that his hands were in her back pockets.

" _We're different… we have a different relationship._ " She tried to explain to him but he knew what she meant. " _We're 'us'…_ " Olivia emphasized. Elliot smiled at her as she looked at him and rolled her eyes. " _You know what I'm saying…_ " She said, giving him a knowing look.

" _I'm ready to take that jump whenever you are…_ " Elliot told her lightly, referring to them being a couple, boyfriend and girlfriend. Then he moved his fingers around slightly that were covering her ass over her jeans.

Olivia's breath hitched at his small movement. She felt a familiar tingle in the bottom of her abdomen. It wasn't near enough to say she was fully turned on but it was enough to tell her that it was possibility in the future.

" _Anyways,_ " She said, ignoring his statement about them being an actual couple. " _I want to work on intimate touches with you. It's part of my progression plan with Dr. Lindstrom… I have to start out with small things and work my way up._ " Olivia explained, looking at him. " _I'm okay with this intimate touch._ "

" _Are you sure?_ " He couldn't help but asking. God, he loved being able to touch her in anyway. He hated that she was going through this, that certain touches triggered her and that there were certain barriers that they couldn't cross yet when they probably would have already crossed them if Lewis hadn't of happened.

Olivia nodded. " _This is okay. Maybe don't do it all the time though…_ " She said lightly, referring to him touching or grabbing her ass. " _Don't be rough with me… please…_ " She whispered as she decided to look away from him. Olivia hated that she was asking this of him. She used to like it when boyfriends were rough with her sometimes. It added fun to the mix. Now, it'd just add stress and triggers.

She felt him pull her closer with his hands. " _I'd never be rough with you in anyway, Liv. Not after what's happened._ " He promised her.

Elliot occasionally had enjoyed being rough too. When his marriage had been good, the occasional slap on Kathy's ass had happened when they were the only ones in the room. He had even hugged her on occasion when the kids were older teenagers, kissing her and grabbing a handful of her ass just to get them to leave the room, which always worked. The kids would claim their parents were being gross and they'd flee, which would buy them some alone time to just be in each other's arms.

Olivia nodded, not wanting to talk more about that particular aspect.

" _You have my consent to touch my ass…_ " She said firmly as she looked back at him.

" _I do?_ " He questioned, raising an eyebrow.

" _Yeah… just… I have to see it coming. I have to know it's going to happen and I have to know that it's you, and I need to have time to stop it or give you a warning that I'm not in the right mindset for it…_ " Olivia explained. " _I'm in your arms right now, I know it's you… I just have to be able to identify you and know that it's not… well…_ " She said as she trailed off.

Elliot's eyes darkened instantly. He felt a touch of rage and anger. She could see his eyes dilate and she felt him pull her completely against his body as if he was trying to protect her from something that was no longer a threat to either of them.

" _Are you telling me he… that he…_ " Elliot couldn't even manage the words.

Olivia could fill in the blanks though and she shook her head from side to side lightly.

" _This isn't something that you need to worry about…_ " She told him, trying to calm him. " _Lewis grabbing my ass should be at the very bottom of the list of things he did to me that pisses you off…_ " Olivia said. It was true. So much shit had happened to her while she was in the hands of William Lewis. She just didn't know if Elliot randomly grabbing her ass from behind would be a trigger. She didn't want to find out either.

Elliot swallowed hard and removed his hands from her ass, taking them out of her jean pockets. She momentarily wondered if he needed space, if she should back away from him.

He stared at her collar bone as he ran his hand up and down her arms that were still around his neck. It would be so easy to lean in and kiss her but he wouldn't, he couldn't. She was running this show. He'd promised that he'd let her.

" _Just ass grabbing, slapping, or groping… what exactly are we talking about here?_ " Elliot asked her softly. He needed to know, he wanted to know. William Lewis had done terrible things to her and Elliot didn't even know half of them.

Olivia bit her lip and glanced away for a moment, trying to decide what she wanted to share with him, or if she wanted to share any of it. Elliot's warm hands on her arms were nice though. It was soothing and she liked it.

" _A little of all of the above…_ " She whispered. Olivia closed her eyes tightly and lowered her head a bit. Elliot leaned in and used this opportunity to kiss her forehead in comfort.

" _I'm going to ask you a couple of questions…_ " He whispered against her forehead. " _You can pass on them, you don't gotta answer but… I need to ask them…_ "

Elliot felt her nod against his lips. She was complying, which slightly surprised him.

" _Did he… did he spank you?_ " He whispered.

Olivia removed her arms from around his neck. Elliot thought for sure she was about to turn around and just walk out of the bathroom, which would have been fine with him. He'd be okay with whatever she did, but instead, she repositioned herself by wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her left cheek on his right shoulder so that her face was facing his neck.

" _Yes…_ " She whispered to him and he was almost certain that her eyes were still shut tightly.

Eliot's heart gushed with love and emotion for Olivia. He was so happy and proud of her for opening up to him. It'd been a while since they'd talked about anything that revolved around Lewis. But at the same time, his heart ached for her, for what that monster had done to her.

His arms had immediately wrapped around her shoulders protectively.

" _With your clothes on or off?_ " He whispered again.

" _Pass…_ " She whispered back. It didn't matter though, Elliot was pretty sure that meant her pants had either been off or she'd been naked.

Elliot nodded. " _Okay._ " He whispered to her, accepting her answer. He always would accept whatever she wanted to offer him.

" _Was this during the first time he had you or second time?_ " He asked gently and Olivia pulled back slightly with her eyebrows knit together in surprise.

No one knew what time she'd truly met with Lewis the second time because she'd slipped her security detail. When they'd finally found her phone and vest at the spot she'd met with him, it'd been hours later. They never had a true timeline and she'd never provided one. He was dead, they didn't need it.

" _Everyone just thought he was driving me around and to Amelia's destination…_ " She said, looking at Elliot.

" _You saying that's not what happened?_ " He asked, concerned even though he was pretty sure he already knew the answer.

Olivia swallowed hard and looked Elliot dead in the eye. " _Pass._ " She said hoarsely. " _And Pass for the previous question too…_ " There was Elliot's answer. Something had happened to her the second time, she'd had more time with Lewis than everyone had thought.

She resumed her previous position of resting on his shoulder and awaited whatever question he had next.

" _Did you… before this all happened, were you into… did you like… spankings during… intimacy?_ " Elliot whispered and then swallowed hard after he was finished fumbling the question out of his mouth. This was so hard for him to ask. He'd never spanked Kathy in the bedroom, she wasn't into it and he'd never tried it with her, it'd never been something that was on his radar.

The redhead however, did like being slapped on the ass several times during sex. That's when Elliot discovered that it could be hot and it had always seemed to make the redhead get even wetter when he smacked her ass.

Olivia was quiet for a few beats. Elliot was beginning to wonder if she'd answer the question at all.

" _Very mildly…_ " She whispered into his neck. " _Only with… certain people._ "

There had been the occasional sex where Olivia, just like the redhead, had liked being slapped on the ass. It was exciting when the sex was hot and intense. It'd made her wetter and more aroused. Which Lewis found out, which is partially also how he was able to make her have an orgasm against her will.

Olivia's body had betrayed her. It'd given him signs of arousal when she wasn't supposed to be aroused. Her body had told him some of the things that she liked in bed, and she sometimes hated her body for it.

Elliot was starting to catch on.

" _Is that one of the times that he-_ "

" _I'm done._ " She said into his neck quickly, snuggling into his shoulder more. Olivia couldn't handle any more questions, not today. She was done for now.

" _Okay, okay._ " Elliot cooed as he held her tighter. " _We can be done. No more talking about it._ " He promised her.

Elliot rubbed her shoulder and her back lightly. He'd do anything to protect her. He wished so badly that there was some way to wipe her memory of the terrible things that had happened to her.

After a few minutes, Olivia pulled away and Elliot let his arms fall, releasing her. She planted a kiss on his cheek.

" _Come on…_ " She said as she began to leave the bathroom. " _Let's go watch TV or figure out what we're doing for supper…_ "

" _Alright._ " Elliot agreed as they walked back into the bedroom. His eyes instantly landed on the Victoria's Secret shopping bag that was sitting on the bed. Elliot raised his eyebrows and looked at Olivia.

She gave him a small smile.

" _Amanda's idea._ " Olivia said as she shrugged.

Elliot's eyes lit up. " _I'm really starting to like blondie…_ " He replied and Olivia laughed. He kept looking at the bag, he couldn't help it, he was curious. " _Is there lingerie in there?_ " Elliot asked.

Olivia smiled more so out of embarrassment.

" _It's more of a nice bra and panty set…_ " She said softly as her face went a shade of red. " _They're cop colors…_ " She said with a small laugh. Why was she telling him this?

Elliot started to walk towards the bag.

" _Don't you dare!_ " She warned him. He looked at her with a humorous look on his face.

" _You just told me there was sexy lingerie in here that was cop colors… and you expect me not to take a peek?_ " He asked, pointing at the bag with a smile plastered on his face.

Olivia smiled at him as she walked over to the bag, snatching it up so he wouldn't bother it.

" _That is not what I said._ " She told him sternly, knowing good and well she said nothing about sexy lingerie. " _I'm not even going to wear them. I'm putting them in my closet. If I feel like wearing them at a later date, then I might…_ " She added.

Elliot shook his head. " _It's just a bra and underwear, Liv. You can wear it under normal clothing._ " He said with confusion. He may not know much about underwear, but he did know that.

Olivia bit her lip and rolled her eyes. " _You're a man… you don't get it._ " She said.

He cocked an eyebrow again. " _Are you gender stereotyping me?_ " He asked with a laugh.

Olivia sighed. " _El… I may be three years younger than Kathy but I promise I don't look better. We're getting old…_ " She huffed. " _Middle aged women don't wear sexy things like this… or at least I don't. The only women that wear these things are those women that are built like Amazonian goddesses_ "

Elliot's eyes narrowed. " _This about the scars or about your age?_ " He challenged. Olivia shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose with her right hand.

" _Kathy's had five kids, Liv. She carried twins… you think she doesn't have stretch marks or cellulite?_ " He asked, making his way over to her. Elliot wanted to make sure that he did everything in his power to make Olivia know that he was comfortable with her body, that he liked her body even though he hadn't fully seen it. " _Do you weigh more than Kathy? Probably…_ " He said lightly and Olivia shot him a glare. It was true though, she did weigh more than Kathy.

Elliot only smiled at her.

" _But you have thick thighs that I absolutely love…_ " He said as he put his hands on her hips. " _And you have this amazing ass that I've recently been given permission to touch…_ " He trailed off, staring at her as he slowly slid his hands from her hips to her ass, watching for any signs that he should stop but so far, she was giving him the green light.

He gave her ass a small squeeze and Olivia laughed and hit his chest playfully.

" _You're such a smooth talker…_ " She said.

" _How do you think I got five kids?_ " He replied instantly with a shit eating grin. Olivia just smiled and shook her head at him.

Olivia was happy. In this moment, she was completely and utterly happy in the arms of Elliot Stabler. It was crazy to think of everything that had happened, everything that they'd gone through, and this is where they landed.

Her hand was still clutching her Victoria's Secret bag.

" _This is so surreal to me…_ " She said lightly.

" _What is?_ " He asked with a twinkle in his eye.

" _You, me, this… Us together…_ " Olivia replied.

Elliot nodded his head. " _Yeah, I know. It's new for me too… we'll get used to it._ " He promised her.

 **I really, really appreciate reviews!**


	42. Chapter 42

It'd been two weeks since Olivia's most recent sexual assault. She was doing surprisingly better than she thought she'd be.

She loved waking up to Elliot every day. Her favorite part was their new ritual that he began doing most mornings. This morning in particular was no exception, though he changed it up a bit.

Elliot had woken up to find that he'd turned himself on his stomach during his slumber. His head was halfway on his pillow and turned towards her side of the bed. For once, she was actually half way on her stomach facing him instead of the wall by the bathroom door.

He cracked his eyes open and saw her sleeping figure.

" _Liv… you awake?_ " He asked gently in his sleep voice.

Usually, she'd form full sentences if she was fully awake.

" _Mmmmhmmm._ " Was her reply, meaning that she was halfway still asleep.

" _Can I hold you?_ " He asked, as he'd begun to do most mornings.

Elliot knew holding her in her sleep wasn't okay. She'd already had a couple of night terrors where she'd woken up screaming and not wanting to be touched.

" _Cologne?_ " She asked quietly with her eyes still shut. Olivia was just awake enough to understand that she was still half asleep. With that one word, she was asking him to spray some of his cologne on his bare chest just in case she was triggered due to her subconscious state, because in reality, she truly did want him to hold her.

He understood instantly. They still had his cologne stationed in every room in the house for when her flashbacks hit. It was easily becoming the very smell that'd bring her out of that state of mind.

Elliot leaned up slightly to grasp the cologne bottle on his night stand and pushed the small knob on top of the bottle to spray his chest and neck area a couple of times, then used his hand to rub in the liquid.

He turned on his left side, facing Oliva as he laid back down and she immediately gravitated towards him. Her hair was messy and her eyes were still shut but she was on her right side facing him. Using her left hand to seek out his chest, she maneuvered herself until she was right against him and wrapped her left arm around his waist, then took a deep breath, inhaling the cologne.

It wasn't just so she wouldn't check out or flash back, she really loved the smell of it. It was all Elliot one hundred percent, it was a smell that she'd been so familiar with for twelve years, then it had become a smell that she'd missed deeply. Now, it was back in her life and she couldn't get enough of it.

Elliot wrapped his right arm around her shoulders as she snuggled into his chest. He caressed her back gently through her tank top as he leaned down, craning his neck to kiss the top of her head.

" _Good morning…_ " He said gently.

Olivia let out a small moan. She was more awake now and knew good and well that he knew it was barely morning.

" _How are you still on SVU time?_ " She mumbled into his shoulder.

He'd been gone from SVU for a while. She didn't understand how his body still managed to wake up early when she'd only been off work for about two weeks and she could sleep well into the late morning.

Elliot let out a small laugh.

" _It's seven-thirty, Liv._ " He said. He knew this because he could see the clock on her night stand. And also, it technically was past the time they'd be getting up to go into work when they were partners.

" _Too early…_ " was her response. He just laughed. Elliot had no intentions of getting out of bed any time soon.

His hand slowly made its way to her left hip, stopping there and massaging her skin. He was being extremely careful. He'd only grabbed her ass a handful of times over the past week. It had been mostly for her benefit so she could get use to more touching and contact, and he'd never done it while they were snuggling in bed.

Elliot felt her hand began to massage his back, then she retracted it, moving under the arm he had wrapped around her and retracing his chest that was lightly covered in chest hair, and she snaked it up past the right side of his neck, massaging the back of his head now.

He knew what she was doing. He could read her. She was giving him the green light to grab her ass if he wanted to.

So, he did.

His hand moved slowly down until he was lightly grasping her left ass cheek.

Something came over Olivia. She didn't know what it was but something was happening. Maybe it had been because he'd changed their new morning ritual and added ass grabbing, she wasn't sure. But something made her briefly open her eyes long enough to locate his mouth.

Closing her eyes once more, she kissed him. And this kiss wasn't just a peck. She pulled his head towards hers and wrapped both arms around his neck as she gave him open mouth kisses. She could tell he was surprised but he'd never refuse her. This was a big step and if she was ready to take it, he'd never turn her down.

Briefly kissing in the bathroom, kitchen, or living room was one thing. It's always different when it's in a bedroom, especially if both parties are already in bed.

Olivia didn't care if she had morning breath. She didn't care if he did too. She wanted to feel his tongue on hers.

Leaning back, Olivia took a moment to catch her breath.

" _You okay?_ " He asked as he eyed her with concern and curiosity.

" _Yep._ " She answered simply, then dove back in to kiss him again, this time adding tongue. It took him a minute to get on board. He was so terrified of triggering her but he gave in and their tongues swirled together as if this was what they were meant to be doing.

After a few seconds of that, they both pulled back a bit breathless.

He stared at her and she stared at him as they caught their breath again.

" _I want you to grab my ass._ " She told him boldly.

He looked at her with confusion. It was an odd request being that he was already grabbing her ass.

" _I am._ " He said.

" _No._ " She replied, shaking her head. " _I want you to put your hand in my shorts and actually grab my ass._ "

Elliot swallowed hard. He wasn't sure he could do this yet. He wasn't prepared. He didn't think she would be either.

" _Are you sure about this?_ " He asked hesitantly.

" _Yes._ " Olivia shook her head immediately. " _I… I'm feeling things…_ " She tried to explain. " _Things I haven't felt in a while… I… I need to see if I can… feel more…_ "

God she hoped he would understand what she was saying without her having to actually say it. She was starting to get turned on and she needed more. Olivia needed more fuel to see if the fire would light.

Elliot bit his lip. Evidently, he understood what she'd meant.

" _I'm scared I'll trigger you._ " He said in sad honesty.

She nodded.

" _I know._ " She whispered. " _But we've gotta start from somewhere. I'm feeling good this morning… no bad dreams or flashbacks… please?_ " Olivia half begged.

Her begging is what did it for him.

Elliot took a deep breath and moved his hand from her ass where he'd been groping her through her sleep shorts. He was trying to decide if he should go up through her pant leg or just go in from the top of her shorts. He didn't know which way would be more triggering. It was so frustrating.

" _Just…_ " Olivia said as she gently removed her left hand from his neck and reached down to guide his right hand up her left thigh and released it because she assumed he'd gotten the idea of what she wanted.

His hand continued to trail up until it reached her bare ass cheek.

" _Fuck, you're trying to kill me._ " He hissed as he firmly grabbed her ass, closing his eyes. " _Why the hell aren't you wearing underwear?_ "

She snorted with laughter. Truthfully, she'd forgotten about not wearing underwear. She usually didn't in these sleep shorts if she wasn't on her period.

" _I don't wear them with these sleep shorts… I forgot. I'm sorry._ " She said but her smile told him she wasn't sorry at all.

He started kneading her ass and her facial expression immediately changed. Elliot heard the intake of her breath, he saw her eyes change. So, he stopped immediately.

She took a deep breath.

" _Keep going, I'm fine._ " She said.

" _I don't think you are._ " He replied, giving her a knowing look.

" _Please… please keep going._ " Olivia replied lightly.

He let out a nervous exhale but began kneading her flesh again, but very gently. She nodded and closed her eyes, letting him know that it was okay, they were okay. This was okay.

Olivia buried her face in the crook of his neck and planted a kiss on his skin.

Elliot took a deep breath. They'd made so much progression, so much during the past week. She hadn't had any vodka. She'd only had a couple of flashbacks and meltdowns. He didn't want her to go one step forward to only take two steps back.

" _Liv…_ " He said quietly.

She looked up at him in question. She was enjoying his touches and how he was grabbing at her ass with his hand.

" _I just need you to be aware that I… I'm…_ " He couldn't finish his sentence because she moved her left leg and her thigh came into contact with the hard member between his legs.

She gasped lightly in surprise.

" _Shit._ " He mumbled, closing his eyes and tilting his head down. Elliot began to move away from her, trying to back up as he took his hand out of her shorts.

Elliot stopped when he saw Olivia getting up as well. She sat up on her knees and turned towards him, making the covers fall below both of their waists. She could see the tent in his sweat pants now.

He looked at her questioningly.

She stared at him as she quickly lifted her tank top over her head and closed her eyes.

He was surprised. Well, maybe stunned was a better word.

Her bra was plain and white. It looked comfortable but Elliot had no idea if it was a sports bra or normal bra. He had a hard time telling the difference. He just knew what lingerie was.

" _What are you doing?_ " He asked. " _Put your shirt back on, Liv._ " He commanded lightly, careful not to sound like he didn't want to see her because he did, he wanted to see her and do many things with her, things that he'd only dreamed about but she wasn't ready. She was nowhere near the level of ready that she needed to be.

" _Are you still aroused?_ " She asked with her eyes still shut and her arms hanging by her side.

" _What?_ " Elliot asked in disbelief.

He'd already taken in the light scars on her chest. She'd showed them to him many months ago and that picture had been burned into his memory but these looked better, much better. They weren't raw or red. They didn't look bloody or irritated.

" _Are you still hard?_ " She asked, opening her eyes but hanging her head so she couldn't see any part of him.

" _Hey…_ " He called gently as he realized what she was doing didn't have a sexual aspect to it. " _What's going on?_ " He asked as he reached for her left hand with his right one. He laced their fingers together and gave her arm a light tug to get her to look at him.

When she did, he saw that she had tears in her eyes.

She huffed and looked around the room, then ran her right hand through her bed head hair.

Elliot sat up and moved directly in front of her Indian style.

" _You gotta talk to me… I can't read your mind with this._ " He said as he looked up at her.

Olivia wiped under her eyes to stop her tears from falling.

" _When I was with Brian… he saw my scars and he couldn't stay hard… he couldn't keep it up…_ " She whispered, looking away from Elliot. Of course, she'd briefly told Elliot this previously, months ago after one of the testimonies that she'd had to make. He'd talked her into letting him take her to lunch and he'd discovered Brian was no longer in the picture.

He got her attention by grabbing her other hand with his left and interlacing that one too. " _I am not Cassidy._ "

She gave a small watery laugh.

" _I know…_ " She said, rolling her eyes but looking back at him.

" _Olivia…_ " He started as he let go of her hands and ran his own up her arms. " _These marks don't define you. You define them, you get to choose what they stand for._ "

Her tears started to flow as she moved sideways slightly, getting off her heels and sitting on her but so she was at eye level with him.

Elliot's hands were grasping her shoulders.

" _You are a strong woman, Liv._ " He said firmly, leaning forward and pressing his forehead against hers. " _You're so fucking strong… I… I'm sorry it didn't work out with Brian._ " He said as truthfully as he could.

" _No, you're not._ " She replied with a small smile even though tears were gracing her face and he smiled in return and chuckled.

" _Maybe not… but I am sorry that he had that reaction to you._ "

She sniffed and placed her hands over his on her shoulders.

" _Liv?_ " He said lightly.

She swallowed hard. Their heads were still together.

" _Yeah?_ " She asked, almost scared of what he might say.

The air was thick and she was worried. Scared and worried. Maybe he was going to apologize for not being able to get it up either? This would just be another man that she couldn't make happy. She'd had a lifetime of men that either didn't make her happy, or she couldn't make them happy.

It seemed to be a vicious cycle that she went through.

" _I am definitely still hard…_ " He said lightly, almost as if he was embarrassed or shy.

She opened her eyes and leaned back from him, causing him to look up at her. Olivia's eyes went to his pants and sure enough, the tent was still there. She wanted to cry all over again.

Olivia bit her lip and looked away from him.

" _I think I actually got harder when you took your shirt off…_." He said with a small smile. He was trying to indulge her now.

" _I was trying to not let this happen… I didn't want to make you uncomfortable…_ " Elliot explained.

Olivia let go of his hands to wipe her face off and run a hand through her hair again.

" _No… no._ " She said. " _I'm… I'm relieved. I'm flattered. I'm… don't ever think that you have to hide this from me._ " She told him firmly, looking him in the eye.

He nodded in understanding, even though there'd probably still be times that he hid an erection from her. Sometimes he could get them at the worst time. It happened to all men, it isn't something that is easily controlled.

Olivia grabbed his hands in her own and placed him on her bra covered breasts. Elliot closed his eyes quickly, willing himself to stay calm.

" _This is as far as I can go… I'm sorry. I can't do more… not now._ " She said sadly.

Elliot caressed her through her bra with his hands a few times before removing his hands and giving her a loving look.

" _Don't be sorry. You made a hell of a lot of progress today. And you didn't even flashback while we did what we just did. That… that's major progress, Olivia._ " Elliot told her almost proudly. Then he leaned in to hug her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders.

As he leaned back, she whispered a " _Thank you_ " as she grabbed his face with both hands and kissed him long and hard.

" _Now, go take care of that…_ " She said, referring to the tent in his pants.

Elliot shook his head.

" _It'll go away in a few minutes… you should probably put your shirt back on though._ " He said, shooting her a smile.

Olivia laughed and wiped her face off with her hands.

" _No, that's not healthy. You need release. Just go into the bathroom, turn the water on or jump in the shower for a few minutes, whatever you need to do._ " She told him. " _I can't get you off right now… at least not the way I want to. I'm not gonna deprive you and it's not gonna make things awkward or hurt my feelings._ "

Elliot stared at her, testing the waters, wondering if she truly did want him to go into the bathroom and jerk off or if she wanted him to stay. He couldn't figure it out. Sometimes she could be so confusing or calm that he couldn't get a read on her.

But she smiled and tapped his thigh.

" _Go._ " She commanded lightly as she reached for her tank top. " _I'll go see what we have in the kitchen for breakfast._ " Olivia explained.

" _Thought you didn't wanna get up?_ " He questioned.

Olivia stood up as she slipped her shirt back on. " _I didn't, but someone made me wide awake… so I'm gonna go find food while you fix your…_ " She said, nodding at his pants and then heading for the kitchen.

Elliot shook his head but headed into the bathroom and shut the door, turning on the shower.

It was much colder in the kitchen than the bedroom. Her apartment was always weird like that for some reason. She'd been meaning to check the filters on her air vents to see if they were clogged.

Because of the cold, she decided to run back into the bedroom to fetch her house coat.

Olivia stopped momentarily when she heard a small grunting sound coming from her bathroom. She could barely hear him, and she could tell he was trying to stay quiet. Then there was a longer drawn out grunting sound and she automatically knew that Elliot Stabler had just climaxed in her shower.

Her nipples were standing at attention. There was no doubting it, Olivia Benson was indeed turned on. She didn't think she was wet between her legs or anything like that, but she was definitely turned on. Her body was getting back into sync.

She knew it'd be a few days at best before they tried anything else. Plus, she needed to talk to her therapist more and there were still things that Lewis did with her that she needed to share with Elliot in order for them to be intimate in other ways. He needed to know what he could and couldn't do with her. But she just wasn't ready for that conversation yet.

 **Thoughts?**


	43. Chapter 43

**I know I don't update as often as I or y'all would like due to grad school and work. So, I'd like to take a moment and thank everyone for staying with this story and for reading my other story "Turmoil". I really do appreciate the review and everyone's support and thoughts on my stories. Thank you!**

She heard footsteps approaching her from behind. They were slow and cautious, but purposely loud. She could tell it wasn't Elliot. Olivia would know his footsteps anywhere. They were familiar though and sounded slightly heavy so she could guess it was one of two people.

" _Elliot send you?_ " She asked into the spring April air as she remained sitting cross-legged on the grass, playing with a leaf that was in her hand.

She prayed he couldn't smell the vodka on her breath. Olivia wasn't drunk but she had had a mini shot bottle when she'd arrived there and about thirty minutes into sitting on the ground, she'd given in and consumed the second one that she'd put in her purse that was now perched against her mother's head stone a couple of feet in front of her.

" _I called him when you didn't answer… wanted to make sure you weren't purposely ignoring me. He told me where you were… I decided to come on my own._ " He explained.

She nodded, still not able to look at him just yet. Olivia was focused on the brown leaf in her hands and how it was so brittle, so lifeless and dead. It was literally breaking apart as she touched it, but that was okay because there were a ton more blowing by in the light breeze.

He exhaled when he realized she wasn't going to look at him willingly.

He walked closer and Olivia looked to her right upon hearing the rustle of something. She now noticed he'd been carrying two foldable chairs in their designated chair-carrying bags over his right shoulder.

She did look at him in question but he just gave her a small smile.

" _My back will kill me if I sit on the ground like you're doing._ " He explained but she had been hoping he'd just leave her alone and let her be. " _I brought two for a reason… you're not that young either…_ " He said, eliciting a look from her as she narrowed her eyes at him even though she knew he was trying to lighten the mood and ease the tension.

Olivia shuffled herself to a standing position and tried not to groan as the painful truth hit her in her legs and lower back. He was right, she was in her mid-forties now, maybe sitting on the ground hadn't been such a good idea.

She grabbed the chair he was handing her and took it out of the bag, watching him and following his movements as she set her own up, making sure she did it correctly so she wouldn't land flat on her ass when she tried to sit in it.

Her chair wasn't right next to his and she'd done that on purpose but it was close enough. Her hair was slightly blowing in the wind and her eyes were red from crying at the foot of her mother's grave.

Olivia bit her lip nervously.

" _How was the cruise?_ " She asked.

He smiled. " _Wonderful. I'd never been on one before but I can see why people take them every year… you get to ride on a gigantic ship and basically tour the world without having to worry about a phone or computer…_ "

Olivia smiled at him. She could tell he was being honest.

" _That's good… I'm glad you had a good time._ " And she was. She loved him dearly and knew he deserved it.

Cragen swallowed hard and nodded his head.

" _I proposed…_ "

Olivia gasped, her eyes lighting up and her mouth slightly agape as she leaned up in her chair and turned more towards him.

" _Oh my god!_ " She said. It took a moment for the information to sink in, then tears sprung to her eyes. " _You're getting married!_ " She realized.

" _I am married…_ " He replied, holding up his left hand and showing her the golden band that now graced his ring finger.

Olivia stared at the ring and shut her mouth. She wiped the tears away the best she could. He'd gotten married. He'd had a wedding and gotten married and hadn't told her. Her face showed a mixture of happiness and hurt. The tears that now graced her face weren't from happiness anymore but from sadness because she was painfully reminded that she wasn't really his family, she wasn't his daughter or niece and even though he'd been a father figure in her eyes, he wasn't even a father to anyone.

She nodded in understanding. Olivia always knew there was a line between them and he'd just made it clear where it was drawn.

Leaning back in her chair, she turned to stare at her mother's grave stone.

" _Don't do that, Liv._ " He whispered, looking to her even though she wouldn't look at him.

" _I'm happy for you, really, congratulations._ " She said as she used the sleeve of her left arm to wipe her tear stained face.

" _It was spur of the moment. We did it on the ship. They have an ordained minister on board for that specific reason. Couple get swept up all the time and do crazy stuff like that apparently._ " He tried to explain. " _No one was there. Her kids, her grandkids, her family wasn't there…. Mine wasn't either…_ " Cragen said as he reached over, placing his hand over hers and squeezing it slightly.

Olivia looked to her right, making eye contact with him.

" _We're going to have a small ceremony/party here for our friends and family in a few weeks. Her family is going to come and meet my family and we'll all celebrate together._ " He told her. " _You're going to come and meet my new grandkids…_ " He said as his eyes began to water but he smiled at her anyways, squeezing her hand again. " _And they're going to come meet you, and John, and Fin. Elliot can come too. I'll even invite Rollins and Amaro…_."

She sniffed and nodded as she tried to control her emotions. He did see her as family, deep down she knew that but with everything she'd been through, her mind liked to second guess her and jump to conclusions.

Cragen retracted his hand from hers and took a deep breath.

They remained silent for a while as the leaves rustled beside them. The sun was starting to set but it was still moderately cloudy. It was a perfect spring day to be honest, but Olivia had chosen to spend it in one of the New York City graveyard's.

" _You and El have a fight?_ " He asked, turning towards her. Cragen knew there had to be a reason she was visiting her mother.

" _He didn't tell you?_ " She replied, meeting his eyes.

" _No, our conversation was short and consisted of your whereabouts._ "

Olivia looked down at her lap, she'd brought the broken leaf with her when she sat in the chair and it was still there, sitting right where she'd left it on top of her legs.

" _I tried to tell him some things that happened with Lewis… it didn't go to well._ " She replied, looking back up at the grave stone.

Cragen nodded in understanding. " _He couldn't handle what you were telling him?_ "

Olivia let out a small laugh. " _I couldn't handle it. He did just fine. I could barely even tell him anything and I guess… I guess thinking about it is what sent me into the flashback…_ " Her voice lowered at the end of her sentence.

It had been horrible. She was trying to tell him because they needed to be making more progress. It'd been three weeks since she'd been attacked. Three fucking weeks. One week since they'd managed to be slightly intimate, and since then, they'd made no progress other than him getting a little handsy with her ass one night while she was cooking in the kitchen.

Her body and mind were on two different tracks of progression and she, herself, was on a separate road all together. Olivia wanted to be with him, she wanted to be in bed with him and not worry about flashbacks or shyness or even think about the fact that it was Elliot who she was really in bed with, she just wanted her sex life back. She wanted her body to want her sex life back.

Her mind warned her at every turn and with each little step forward to stop. It was like her brain was now conditioned to dislike anything that had to do with sex or intimacy.

Her body on the other hand, was working with her better, it's like her body wanted sex, especially from Elliot, but it needed to re-learn how to get aroused again and how to react when she was intimate with someone.

Olivia's conscious and subconscious were fighting within her for dominance. It was a fight for her recovery, for her survival.

She'd been trying to tell Elliot that Lewis had touched her intimately with his hands, he'd touched her between her legs. She'd planned this conversation in her head for hours and hours.

Olivia had three main things for now that she wanted to reveal to Elliot; Lewis had touched her between her legs with her hands, he'd used her vibrators on her, and she'd wanted to go more into depth about what his spankings had consisted of, but as soon as they'd sat down to have the conversation, her body went into full on panic mode, she went into overdrive, and the flashback had hit her out of nowhere.

Yelling had happened during all of her flashbacks just about. She usually wasn't coherent enough to know what she'd yelled until after she'd come out of them and Elliot told her.

The same had been with this one. When she'd opened her eyes, and saw that she was on the living room floor by the wall, she thanked god that it was just a flashback, a memory, and that it hadn't truly been happening that time even though it was nearly as bad as the reality of when it happened.

She had looked up at Elliot who had been perched on the floor in front of her and he looked petrified. He had looked scared out of his mind but he was still trying to calm her down. The man was a trooper.

Olivia hadn't had the strength to ask him what she'd said during the episode. Instead, she'd bolted for her bedroom, locking herself in there long enough to catch her breath, grab somethings including some of the mini bottles of vodka and shove in her purse. Then she'd headed for the front door.

Elliot tried to stop her, tried to reason with her. When he saw it was no use, he had begged her to at least tell him where she was headed. She'd relented and told him her mother's grave and that she didn't want company, then she'd abruptly left.

Cragen huffed, bringing her out of her thoughts.

" _When your mother told you she didn't want you working in this unit… I partially agreed with her…_ " He admitted.

" _What?_ " She said, turning her head to him in surprise. She'd never known him to side with her mother about anything.

" _You were too good, too pure. This unit corrupts some of the best people, it's hard on the soul._ "

Olivia laughed again.

" _I'm the product of rape. There is literally nothing pure about me. I was born with darkness, with genes of an alcoholic rapist father and an abusive, alcoholic mother…_ " She said. " _I had plenty of damage to my soul when I joined this fucking unit…_ " She trailed off, then glanced at Cragen. She hadn't meant to cuss, it'd just slipped out but saying bad words around Cragen was something that she tried not to do for the most part. Maybe it was his age or that she'd always see him as her superior, she didn't know.

He gave her a thin smile.

" _I wanted to kick you out, to transfer you to narcotics or UC._ " He continued his confession. " _I thought your life had been touched enough by this trauma, I didn't want it to render you anymore._ "

" _Why didn't you?_ " She asked, looking at him in question.

He shrugged and took another deep breath.

" _We needed you… they needed you. You were too good with the victims. Even Elliot nor Munch could make the connection that you could… I knew Jefferies was on her way out the door, her behavior had become sporadic and I could tell something was going to happen._ " Cragen continued.

Olivia nodded.

" _You needed a woman that was good with the victims, the kids._ "

Cragen nodded. " _Yep._ "

Olivia huffed. She didn't like hearing that her captain had wanted to transfer her even if it was for her own good.

" _Then I'd planned to keep you for a year or two until we got another female and maybe another detective…_ "

" _But you couldn't cut me loose…_ " She said as she looked over and smiled at him.

" _Nope._ " He said as he laughed. " _You were too damn good and with it being a volunteer unit, we didn't have people fighting for the job. Plus, at that point, I'd figured out you and Stabler made one hell of a pair…. solved cases faster than almost anyone else._ "

She laughed with him. " _Yeah… we were something…_ " Olivia said, reminiscing about the old days before Elliot had left her and everything had gone to hell.

Olivia shook her head absent mindedly.

" _I messed up and fell in love with my partner…_ " She huffed as she gazed around the cemetery. She thought it might be the first time she'd said out loud that she loved Elliot. It felt… odd. She didn't exactly say his name, but she was acknowledging it.

Cragen shrugged. " _I messed up and hired an escort…_ " He reminded her.

Olivia huffed. She didn't want to think about those memories and how she'd been horrified briefly after she realized it'd been true, that he in fact had hired the escort. Then it'd taken her a minute to hear him out and realize that he hadn't hired her for sex.

" _We never talked about that after it was over…_ " He said lightly to her, causing Olivia to look at him and cock her head sideways.

" _And you wanna talk about it now?_ " She asked, giving him an unimpressed look.

Cragen gave her a small smile and shrugged.

Olivia rolled her eyes. " _I don't wanna think about you hiring escorts, Don._ " She told him as she turned back towards her mother's grave.

He nodded. " _I just want to make sure you don't have any problems with me… anything that we've left unsaid or not talked about that might hinder our relationship._ "

She turned sideways in her chair to look at him now, studying his features and trying to figure out where he was coming from.

" _Why?_ " Olivia asked.

" _Because I'm about to become one of the main parts of your support system again and I need to make sure you trust me implicitly, that there's no bad blood or anything between us that we haven't touched on that could possibly make you question my character and intent…_ " Cragen explained slowly. " _I'm sorry I've been so out of touch since I left SVU…_ " He added sadly.

Olivia pressed her lips together tightly. She longed to go get that third mini vodka bottle out of her purse and drink it but she couldn't, not while he was here.

" _I know you didn't hire her for sex… it was because you were lonely. I believe you._ " She explained. " _It was hard for me to understand at first because I was so used to being alone that I didn't see why you did it… but then I realized you'd been married for years._ " Olivia said as her features softened and her eyes met his. " _You'd never really been alone. Marge was your high school sweetheart._ "

Cragen nodded.

" _And being alone for years and years after you were with someone for so long… I can't say that I know how you felt, but I understand it._ " Olivia continued. " _We're good._ "

Cragen smiled at her. " _Good._ " He said. " _Eileen and I are moving into the city. I'm going to be relatively close to you. I'm not sure how much I can do but I'll be here when you need me._ "

She smiled at that. He really was like a father figure to her.

" _I'd like to talk to you, though…_ " He said, knowing he was entering dangerous territory.

Olivia shook her head.

" _I can't even talk to Elliot about my assault and he's the one person I trust most on this Earth aside from you and Fin. What makes you think I'll be able to talk about it with you?_ " She asked, turning back to Serena's grave.

Cragen swallowed hard.

" _I'm not talking about your assault…_ " He said.

Olivia got a confused look on her face. There wasn't much more that Fin could have told him about that he'd need to discuss with her.

" _Oh, well then what?_ " She asked.

He cleared his throat.

" _Unless Serena has figured out a way to drink from beyond the grave, it smells like you've been hitting the vodka…_ " Cragen said calmly.

She knew her eyes deceived her, that if she tried to lie, he'd know. Olivia had hoped he wouldn't be able to tell. If it had been anyone else, they wouldn't have noticed but he was a recovered alcoholic. He could smell alcohol from a mile away.

Olivia took a deep breath and nodded, deciding to not deny it.

" _I have, but it's not a problem… just been a rough day._ " She tried to play it off.

Cragen gave her a thin smile.

" _Does Elliot know?_ " He asked.

Olivia bit her lip and lowered her head staring at her lap. She willed tears to not fall.

Cragen nodded, taking her silence for an answer.

" _When you have to hide it, it's a problem, Olivia._ " He told her, giving her a loving look.

She got up abruptly from her chair and paced back and forth a couple of times before going to lean her ass on the top of her mother's grave stone, facing him.

" _He knows it was almost a problem, he knows I was walking a thin line…_ " Olivia tried to explain.

Cragen nodded in understanding, looking at her from his chair.

" _He cut you off before it could become a problem._ " He concluded.

" _Yeah._ " She replied. " _But I'm fine. It's under control. It's not every day and I didn't even have any last week or the week before._ " She pointed out, feeling childish having to give her explanation to him, the man who'd been her boss and superior for the better part of her adult life.

Cragen stood up and put his hands in his pockets.

" _So, why not tell Elliot you had some today?_ "

" _I haven't gotten home yet._ "

" _You went to a bar before you came to the graveyard?_ "

She shook her head.

" _You brought vodka with you to your mother's grave…_ " Olivia stayed still and quiet as he spoke. " _You brought vodka to Serena's grave to drink the very drink that killed her…_ "

Tears flooded her face as she crossed her arms in front of her and stared at the ground, letting his words sink in. Her mother would be ashamed.

" _Would you have told him when you got home this afternoon?_ " He asked lightly walking over to her.

Olivia shook her head gently. " _No._ "

Cragen pressed his lips together as he reached her and stood in front of her.

" _There's a difference between an alcoholic and having a drinking problem, Liv. You're not your mother, you're not an alcoholic. You just have a drinking problem._ " He told her lightly.

More tears came as she looked deeper into the ground and shook her head.

" _No!_ " She said strongly as she sniffed and her face dripped with tears.

He gently grabbed her left forearm and pulled her to him. Even though her arms remained crossed in front of her, she accepted his embrace by laying her head on his right shoulder as he wrapped her in his arms. They'd never had a hug quite like this.

" _You do, Olivia, you do._ " He said to her. " _It's okay though, it's manageable. You'll still be able to drink alcohol. Maybe not vodka but it's manageable… we can do this._ " Cragen promised her.

He could feel her shaking her head against his shoulder, disagreeing with him.

" _If you can survive rape, you can survive this, I promise you._ " Which only made her cry harder.

He held her for a while. The sun was almost completely gone and night fall would be upon them soon. Olivia pulled back and wiped her face off.

She didn't want to believe that she had a problem but she knew it was true. Still, it made her feel like she failed as a human being. She'd become her mother almost exactly.

" _What do I do?_ " She asked, looking up at him and sniffling.

" _You stop drinking the vodka. Your body doesn't have a tolerance to it if what you've told me is true, but if you don't stop, it will be more and more frequent until you are an alcoholic and I don't want that. I don't want that life for you._ " Cragen told her, giving her shoulder a firm squeeze.

It took everything she could to contain the shutter she'd felt trying to run through her body. It was just Cragen, she kept reminding herself.

" _You need to go home and tell him. Let him help. Maybe come to and AA meeting with me, or Amanda. I know she's in GA but the meetings have both parties in them most of the time…_ " He said. " _I'm sure she'd be willing to go to a meeting with you, if that would be easier._ "

Olivia nodded. She didn't know if she'd be able to do any of that, but she'd try.

" _Now, it's going to get dark soon and the temperature will drop. Let me take you home?_ " He asked and she nodded. Olivia was glad he was here. She hadn't planned on staying out as late as she had and she'd walked along with taking the subway, which she absolutely hated, especially at night since she'd been assaulted.

They made their way to his car. She felt exhausted, drained, and even a little bit sad. She didn't want to go to AA and she sure as hell didn't want to go home to Elliot. Not now, not after all he'd done for her and she'd have to tell him that she'd been lying to him.

It was a rough road that Olivia Benson traveled.

 **Thoughts?**


	44. Chapter 44

" _Baby girl, it's me… Let me in._ " Fin said softly as he knocked on the door of the bathroom located in the master bedroom of Olivia's apartment.

Cragen had dropped her off at her apartment over an hour ago. She made it through the front door, intending to talk to Elliot. She wanted to explain herself, and explain what'd been going on.

Upon opening the door, she saw Elliot get up from the couch.

" _You okay?_ " He asked her, looking concerned. It wasn't hard to tell that she had been crying. Her face was red and puffy, her eyes slightly swollen. If he smelled the vodka on her breath, he didn't let it phase him.

" _I um… I'm…_ " She stuttered, realizing this was going to be extremely hard for her, harder than she had originally anticipated.

Elliot was wide-eyed and alert, waiting to hear whatever she had to or needed to say. He licked his lips and swallowed hard. He looked sad.

Olivia took in his features. He looked tired and worn out. It was probably her fault. She was stressing him out and causing him to have sleepless nights.

Her eyes filled with water as she brought her right hand up to her forehead. Elliot tried to step closer but for every step he took towards her, she took one backwards.

He stopped, realizing she didn't want him to be that close to her or to touch her.

Olivia was dreading talking to him. It almost made her sick to her stomach.

" _I… I can't right now…_ " was all she said before she made a b-line to her bathroom and locked herself in the room. She had no plan, no estimated time of how long she wanted to stay in there, no plan for how she was going to talk to Elliot or what she was going to say. She just sat down on the floor across from the toilet and sobbed as she drew her knees up and buried her face in her legs.

Standing in the doorframe of the bedroom door, Elliot could hear her and it was killing him, absolutely killing him. There was nothing he could do. She'd basically verbally told him to stay away, that she couldn't handle him or his touch. He knew better than to go see if she was okay.

He walked back into the living room and sat down on the couch, turning the television up. He knew it'd calm her to think he'd gone back to watching tv and not worrying about her. Olivia was never one that liked to be fussed over.

After she'd been in the bathroom for forty-five minutes, Elliot had given up and called Fin.

" _I… I don't know what's going on. I don't know if she flashed back or was triggered…. All I know is that she doesn't want me right now and she needs someone… she can't go through this alone, Fin. Please._ " He nearly begged.

" _I'm on my way._ " Was the only reply that Elliot got before the line went dead.

He waited on the couch patiently for Fin and as soon as the detective arrived, he let him in.

Elliot had told him all that he knew, about how she'd tried to talk about some stuff with Lewis and then she'd ran out. Then when she'd come home, she was not much better than when she'd left earlier.

Fin nodded and made his way to the master bathroom, knowing that Elliot knew better than to follow him.

Once he announced himself at the door, Olivia crawled over to unlock the door, leaving him to open it on his own as she crawled back into her spot against the wall.

Fin walked over and eased himself on the floor beside her, careful not to touch her. He wanted to tread lightly since he didn't know if she'd had a flashback or something of that nature.

" _Elliot called you?_ " She asked in a small voice, staring at the tiles on the floor in front of her.

" _Yeah…_ " Fin answered. " _He's worried about you… didn't know who to call._ "

She nodded, knowing Elliot must have been desperate if he was reaching out to Fin.

" _I'm worried too, you know._ " Fin told her lightly, looking to his left, trying to meet her gaze but failing.

" _Fin_ ," She began. " _There's so many things going on in my head right now, so much shit has happened, is happening to me. I've fucked up, I am fucked up…_ " She said as her eyes filled with water.

Fin swallowed hard and took a deep breath.

" _Aight,_ " He said. " _Let's identify your main problems and go from there._ " He said, trying to help.

She looked at him and cocked an eyebrow.

" _Sensitivity training and problem solving really rubbed off, huh?_ " Olivia retorted with a small smile.

Fin rolled his eyes but smiled.

" _It was mandatory, might as well use it…_ " He said. " _So, come on, your top problems, what are they?_ "

" _I was… raped._ " She said in a whisper, looking at her knees that were drawn up to her chest.

" _Nah, that's not a problem. We can fix problems. That's just a tragic event, something terrible that happened to you. The things that it caused, those are the problems…_ " He explained with caring eyes and Olivia leaned her head against his left shoulder.

" _I have a drinking problem…_ " She told him, turning her head so that she could bury her face into his arm.

" _Okay, good. We've identified a problem. Now, let's plan on how to fix it._ " Fin replied, unfazed by the fact she'd admitted to drinking.

" _Fin… you're starting to sound like Dora the Explorer or that guy on Blue's Clues…_ " She said, smiling as she moved her face away from his arm.

Fin smiled. " _Don't do that to me…_ " He said laughing and looking down at her, " _I'm really trying to help you here…_ " He was trying to help and she was going to make their discussion turn into a laughing fest.

" _Okay, sorry…_ " She said with a smile.

" _So, drinking, how are we going to fix it?_ " Fin question.

" _I'm going to keep talking to Cragen about it and I'm going to ask Amanda to go to a meeting with me…_ _and I'm going to stop drinking vodka…_ " She replied matter-of-factly.

" _You been talking to the Cap?_ " Fin asked, surprised.

" _Yeah… he sat with me at my mom's grave site this afternoon… we talked a lot…_ " Olivia said. " _He's the one that got me to realize I have a drinking problem._ "

Fin nodded. He was glad she'd talked to Cragen. She needed it.

" _Okay, list another problem._ " He commanded lightly as she leaned into him again.

" _Elliot's going to leave me._ " Olivia told him.

Fin's eyebrows drew together and confusion hit him.

" _He say that?_ " he asked, wondering if he needed to go have a word with the man sitting on Olivia's couch. He'd already hurt her once, Fin wouldn't let it happen again without there being consequences.

" _No._ " Olivia replied. " _But he'd be stupid to stay._ " She said, sitting up straight and distancing herself from Fin a bit.

" _Why?_ " He asked curiously.

Olivia shrugged.

" _Lots of reasons…_ " She said honestly. " _I think… I think he could handle me if I was just a sexual assault victim but… the drinking, I still have to tell him about it, I've been hiding it._ " She said as she looked at Fin guiltily. " _I've basically turned into his father and my mood swings can't be far off from his mother's…_ " Olivia huffed as her eyes began to water. " _He deserves so much better than this… I almost want to kick him out and force him to find someone else but I'm so damn selfish… I think I'd completely breakdown if I didn't have him by my side…_ " She finished as her tears flooded her face.

Fin shook his head and reached for her. Olivia complied and leaned into his hug, resting her head on his chest as his arms engulfed her. They sat close together and leaned against her bathroom wall.

" _You're so wrong, baby girl… so fucking wrong._ " Fin told her lightly. " _You two belong together, everyone can see it… He loves you so damn much._ "

" _He shouldn't…_ " Came her muffled voice from Fin's shoulder.

" _Doesn't matter if he should or shouldn't, he does… and I honestly think he has for a long time._ " Fin admitted. " _You've pissed him off to the max sometimes when y'all were partners and he's still here, Liv…_ "

" _I feel guilty…_ " She confessed, pulling away from Fin, who reluctantly let her out of his grasp.

" _What do you feel guilty about?_ " Fin asked, cocking his head to the side.

Olivia swallowed hard and looked around the bathroom, buying herself time to calm her emotions before she spoke.

" _For loving him._ " She said, her eyes watering again even though she was trying so hard to stop that from happening.

" _You should never feel guilty for love…_ " He told her with a small smile.

" _I loved him when he was married, Fin._ " Olivia stressed. " _When he was with Kathy… when he wasn't mine to love._ " She said, playing with a snag on her pants and adverting her eyes from Fin's.

" _You think I don't know that?_ " He asked softly. " _I know it, Munch and Cragen knew it… I'm willing to be Elliot and Kathy know it too…_ " Fin replied, causing Olivia to look up.

" _I don't want to think about that… everyone knowing I'm a homewrecker…_ " She whispered, looking at Fin and using her left hand to push a piece of hair behind her ear.

" _Stop, don't even go there, Liv._ " Fin told her strongly. " _You're not a homewrecker. He left Kathy and divorced her months before coming over here… don't put that on yourself._ "

Olivia shook her head at him.

" _It's not that easy…_ " she said.

And it wasn't easy. Telling and doing are two different things. On top of that, it's almost impossible to control your emotions and what your body feels. Olivia was feeling very out of control with her body ever since the first sexual assault, all the way back to Sealview, but she'd gotten it under control.

Now, William Lewis had completely broken her and her body, the recovery process was much longer and as of right now, she couldn't really see the light at the end of the tunnel.

" _You wanna know what I think?_ " Fin asked gently.

" _You know I do._ " She replied, looked at him. Olivia had always valued Fin's input on everything. She knew he was being honest and true and that it was coming from a good place. He'd never lie to her to make her feel better, he'd tell her the truth even if it hurt her just because that was the best thing for her.

" _I think you should talk to them, Elliot and Kathy, separately…_ " He said.

" _Fin…_ " Olivia replied, aiming to stop him but he continued.

" _It'll make you feel better to get it out, talk your feeling out, at least with Kathy. She knows you and Elliot are together, right?_ " He questioned.

Olivia pressed her lips together tightly.

" _I haven't flat out told her… and we don't use 'boyfriend/girlfriend' terms but I assume she knows we're… something._ " She replied.

Fin nodded.

" _Talk to her. It'll make you feel better to get everything on the table, just like you feel relieved and revived after completing a therapy session._ " Fin promised her.

Olivia looked down at Fin and nodded. She supposed he was right but having that conversation with Kathy wasn't something she really wanted to do… but if it was the only way to help her get past her feelings of guilt, even if Kathy resented her, then she'd do it.

Talking to Elliot would be hard as well, especially when she told him about the vodka she'd been hiding.

" _Any more problems?_ " Fin asked

Olivia shook her head, she couldn't think of any serious ones at the moment besides problems being intimate with Elliot but she wasn't gonna make Fin talk her though that one.

Fin huffed. " _You're not coming back to work are you?_ " He whispered, almost as if he was hurt.

She gave him a very small smile.

" _No, Fin, I don't think I am…_ " Olivia answered. " _There's nothing for me there, at least not right now. I can't help any victims until I get my head on straight and that might never happen… I have weeks and weeks and weeks of paid vacation days. I'm gonna use them up. By the end of the year, if I'm not in a head space where I can come back to work… I'm going to retire._ " She revealed. This was the first time Olivia had actually said it out loud. She surprised herself.

Fin nodded in understanding.

" _But…_ " She added. " _We're going to keep in touch and see each other often if that does happen. You know I can't live without you. I love you Odafin._ " Olivia said gingerly as she leaned over and wrapped her arms around his neck, giving him a hug.

" _Love you too, Liv._ " He replied, hugging her back.

They pulled back and Fin stood up first, then helped Olivia stand.

" _I'm gonna stay in here for a few minutes. I need to fix my face…_ " She told him.

" _Aight. I'm gonna go…_ " He said and headed for the bathroom door. " _Talk to them…_ " Fin said as he turned around one last time and glanced at her.

" _I will… thank you… for everything._ " She said, blowing him a kiss.

Fin smiled and exited the bathroom.

 **Thougths?**


	45. Chapter 45

After staying in the bathroom for fifteen minutes, attempting to get her face to look semi-normal and reduce the redness and puffiness, she exited the bathroom to find a very stressed and distraught looking Elliot sitting on her side of the bed, facing the bathroom door.

Olivia took a deep breath and walked over to the bed, sitting down beside him.

" _Have I done something wrong?_ " His voice came out in a small whisper as he stared at the carpet below his feet.

" _No._ " Olivia replied instantly, shaking her head from side to side. " _I… I'm the one that's done something wrong._ " She said, wondering why she even bothered trying to fix her face because she was obviously going to get emotional.

She got up from the bed and walked to the other side of Elliot, where her bedside table was. Opening the drawer, she stepped back to show him the contents and left it open as she took her place back on the bed beside him.

Amongst the few vibrators she had, there was a mixture of tiny vodka bottles the size of shot glasses. Some were full and some were empty, but there were a lot.

His eyes had first landed on the vibrators and small condom packages. Any man would be lucky to see the things Olivia Benson has used to pleasure herself in her alone time, so Elliot was a little preoccupied. It took him a moment to realize she was showing him the vodka bottles.

Elliot's face hardened and his heart nearly stopped at the sight.

" _You… you've been lying to me… hiding this from me?_ " He asked silently, turning to look at her.

Olivia's face was covered in tears. She looked down in shame and guilt.

" _I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, El… I…_ " She began to sob as she slowly slid off the bed and onto the floor.

Elliot made his way onto the floor beside her.

" _I fucked up._ " She cried as she sniffled. He put his right arm around her but she lifted her hand and grabbed his shoulder. " _If you wanna leave I understand… I get it. It's okay._ " She told him sadly.

Elliot shook his head and pulled her to him.

" _No… god no. We've both fucked up, Liv. Everyone messes up sometimes. It's life… It's okay…_ " He told her softly as he kissed the top of her head, happy that she was allowing him to finally hold her. " _Baby, it's okay._ " He said, calling her a pet name that she still wasn't used to.

" _You should be mad… why aren't you mad?_ " She muttered into his chest, putting her full weight on him as he leaned back against the bed.

" _I'm not mad._ " He assured her. " _I'm not going to get mad._ " Elliot promised her.

" _You should be yelling or we should be arguing, something should be happening…_ " She said as her tears continued and she pushed herself up off of his chest long enough to sit up and look at him. " _Something should be happening._ " She repeated, sniffling.

Elliot shook his head.

" _No._ " He told her strongly. " _I did enough yelling and arguing with Kathy… I won't do it with you too. We're gonna fix this together… I'm gonna help you through it._ " He vowed. " _I'll do whatever I have to, to get you through this._ "

Olivia closed her eyes tightly and leaned her head against his chest. She didn't understand any of this. He was so supportive, so caring and he wasn't even angry with her. It all seemed impossible.

Her fist grasped his shirt tightly as his arms continued to hold her. She'd never felt so secure and loved in all her life. Olivia had been positive he'd at least be pissed that she'd lied to him, she'd hid the drinking.

They stayed like that for a while, until her tears slowed and finally came to a halt. It was starting to get late and they weren't as young as they used to be. Sitting on the floor was taking its toll.

Olivia was the first to move. She leaned back out of Elliot's grasp and against the bed, wiping her face off from where her tears were.

" _We should probably head to bed… it's getting late._ " She told him.

Elliot braced himself against the bed as he got up off the floor, then helped Olivia up.

He rubbed the back of his head with his right hand.

" _I'll… I don't mind sleeping on the couch if you want me too… I understand if you need some time…_ " Elliot told her, trying to respect her and her privacy.

She quickly shook her head at the thought.

" _No._ " Olivia told him strongly. " _Hell no._ " She said. " _You're sleeping in my bed with me just like we have been for a while now._ "

Elliot nodded. " _Alright._ " He said, giving her a thin smile.

Olivia quickly changed in the bathroom, used the toilet, and brushed her teeth. Elliot did the same in the guest bathroom, which had quickly become his bathroom.

She was already in bed when he entered the master bedroom in his sweat pants and tank top. He slid into his side of the bed and turned off his side table lamp, making the room completely dark aside from the glow of the city around the outskirts of the window curtains.

He could feel Olivia shifting, and a moment later, he felt her hand on his cheek then her lips on him, giving him a light kiss.

" _I'm glad you're still here…_ " She whispered to him as she pulled back, but stayed in his proximity.

" _I wouldn't have left, Liv._ " He told her. " _I promised you I'd never leave you again and I meant it…_ " Elliot said, reaching out for her hand, once locating it, he intertwined their fingers.

" _I know… it's just…_ " She came up short, not knowing how to voice her feelings, but she didn't have to.

" _I understand, Liv._ " Elliot told her through the darkness that surrounded them both figuratively and literally. " _I get it…_ " He said, bringing her hand up to his mouth to kiss it. " _You and me, it's pretty scary, plus we've got all this shit piling on top of us… it sucks but… but we'll make it, everything will be okay._ "

She sniffled, signaling that she had gotten emotional again.

He let his hand drift up her arms and past her shoulder until he reached her hair and began playing with her brunette locks, running his fingers through it because he knew it relaxed her.

" _I… I like it when you call me baby._ " She said in small, shy voice.

" _I thought you might…_ " He replied and she could hear the smile in his voice.

Olivia allowed him to play with her hair for a while longer before she brought up the next topic.

" _I need you to do something for me…_ " She said into the silence and his hand briefly stopped threading through her hair.

" _I'd do anything for you, Olivia._ " Elliot replied and it was things like this that made her heart nearly beat out of her chest. It's what made her love for him blossom. Just the way he'd said it was sexy to her.

She swallowed hard.

" _I need you to set up a meeting between me and Kathy. There are some things I need to talk to her about… I'm not sure she'd be open to meeting with me if I ask and… this is something I need to do… for me and for us._ " Olivia said, worrying about how he'd react.

" _Okay…_ " Elliot said silently in a tone that ushered her to continue because he figured there was more.

" _I um… you can't be there…. I need it to just be me and her. And I know you and I have a lot of things we need to talk about. I get that, I do… but I'd like to knock this meeting with Kathy out of the way first. I wanna do it as soon as possible and get it over with…_ " She said.

" _I'll call her tomorrow and set it up._ " He told her. Elliot was worried, almost scared what his ex and his current woman were going to talk about. He would obviously come up in the conversation if it wasn't solely going to be about him that is. Elliot also knew that Kathy would have sat down with Olivia if Olivia had asked her but he was willing to set it up for Olivia anyways and save her some of the anxiety and stress.

" _Thank you._ " Olivia said softly and leaned in, giving him another kiss.

Those words 'I love you' were just on the tip of her tongue. She wanted to say them to him so badly, they were right there waiting to be said but she couldn't. Something was stopping her. She hated that it was this hard. It shouldn't be this hard to be in a relationship and love someone.

" _Hey, Elliot?_ "

" _Yeah?_ "

" _We're… we're in a relationship… we're… dating._ " Olivia said lightly, waiting to see if he'd deny her statement or decline what she was putting on the table.

" _Yeah?_ " He said again, only happier and more excited.

" _Yeah._ " She confirmed.

Elliot had told her he was ready to take that step when she was, that he was just waiting on her. Now, she was ready. Olivia wanted to be able to call him hers and while she knew he wasn't seeing other people, she wanted that to be off the table too.

" _I can't wait to tell all my friends…_ " He said in a very school boyish way.

Olivia bumped him lightly on the chest.

" _Shut up…_ " she said, rolling her eyes as she laughed.

 **Thoughts?**


	46. Chapter 46

Olivia was nervous. It'd been three days since she'd had her mini breakdown and talk with Cragen. Elliot spoke to Kathy just as he promised and the blonde agreed to have a sit down with Olivia.

She'd seen Lindstrom the very next day because luckily, she had already scheduled an appointment.

Lindstrom had been supportive of Fin's idea. Talking it out was always one of the top options when there was a problem. Olivia explained what she wanted to say Kathy, it helped practicing with Lofstrom.

Now, as Elliot pulled up to the house that he and Kathy shared for years, Olivia couldn't help but feel anxious and nervous, not to mention her stomach was doing summersaults because honestly, she didn't want to have the conversation with Elliot's ex-wife but she knew it had to be done.

Elliot's hand was grasping hers as he pulled into the driveway. He could feel her shaking.

He parked the car and turned the ignition off. Looking at Olivia, he could tell she was scared and worried. She hadn't told him what she was going to discuss with Kathy or given him anymore information except for the fact that it was something she needed to do.

Elliot gave her a small smile and squeezed her hand as he leaned over to kiss her but she back away quickly, denying him.

Olivia shook her head quickly and pulled her hand out of his.

" _Don't do that, El…_ " She said silently. " _Not here… it's… it's disrespectful._ "

Elliot swallowed and pressed his lips into a thin line.

" _Okay._ " He said.

Maybe it was disrespectful and maybe he should have been more considerate of where they were and who was in their vicinity but it wasn't like Kathy was peeking at them through the window. However, if Olivia didn't want him to kiss her, he wouldn't. He'd only been trying to give her comfort and reassurance.

He exited the vehicle at the same time that she did and they walked to the front door together. Elliot decided not to try and hold her hand, fearing that the act would be viewed as disrespectful as well.

Elliot knocked lightly on the door then opened it and proceeded to enter calling a " _hello!_ " to the residents of the house.

He felt Olivia tug on his arm lightly, looking back, she was shooting him a look, huffing, then rolling her eyes. She thought it was rude to walk into the house that was now Kathy's without being invited in. Elliot just gave her a small smile and tugged her in with him.

" _In the kitchen!_ " They heard Kathy yell.

Olivia took a deep breath as she followed Elliot through the home that once belonged to him as well. She now wished they could have met up at a mutual place like the park, some place that didn't have so many memories.

" _Hey._ " Kathy said sweetly as Elliot entered the kitchen with Olivia.

" _Hey, Kath._ " He replied, walking over to her and giving her a short hug.

He'd remained friendly with her and always would, they'd still be in touch with each other for the rest of their lives, they did have five kids together after all.

" _Hey, Olivia._ " Kathy said as she faced Olivia, giving the brunette a smile. She decided not to try and hug the former detective because she wasn't getting that kind of vibe from Olivia but also because she kept in mind that Olivia might not want to be touched because of her sexual assault.

" _Hi…_ " Olivia replied, giving Kathy a small smile.

Kathy then turned to Elliot.

" _Eli should be down any second. He was putting on his shoes when you pulled up._ " She explained.

" _Alright… you get the kitchen sink fixed?_ " Elliot asked, walking over to the sink and gazing down the drain as Kathy came to stand beside him.

" _Yep. It needed the part you said it did…_ " She replied as Olivia took a seat on a stool at the bar.

It was odd for Olivia to watch Kathy and Elliot interact when they weren't husband and wife anymore, it was odd to her. She'd seen them together for years and now, it was her and Elliot that were together.

" _So, uh… Ben couldn't fix it, huh?_ " Elliot said with a shit eating grin as he leaned his back side against the counter beside the sink and crossed his arms over his chest as if he was proud.

Kathy rolled her eyes at him but kept smiling.

" _He's a doctor, Elliot, not a plumber…_." She retorted as they heard Eli making his way down the stairs.

Elliot shrugged with a smile.

" _I was a detective… I wasn't a plumber either…_ "

Kathy scoffed at him but kept smiling to show that she wasn't really mad. Elliot character assassination of Ben was to be expected.

It'd taken Elliot a decent amount of time to get used to Kathy dating and having a boyfriend. It'd been hard at first because he'd never imagined her with someone else. At one point in their lives, they both believed they'd grow old with each other.

When Elliot met Ben, it had been difficult, he'd felt over protective, like he needed to make sure Ben was good enough for his ex, that he'd take care of Kathy and treat her right.

" _Hey, bud._ " Elliot said, giving Eli a side hug as he came to greet his dad.

" _Hey!_ " Eli told him. " _Hey 'Livia!_ " Eli told her happily but held off on hugging her even though Olivia could tell his first instinct had been to run to her and hug her.

" _Hi._ " Olivia said with a big smile. " _Can I have a hug?_ " She asked happily, knowing Elliot and Kathy had probably warned him somewhat about her assault, which was probably why he'd held off on the hug.

" _Yes!_ " He said as he rounded the corner of the counter and launched himself into her arms.

The seven-year-old was very enthusiastic, as most seven-year-olds tend to be. He hugged Olivia and she ruffled his blonde hair.

" _You ready to hit the park?_ " Elliot asked.

" _Yeah!_ " Eli said, holding up his football.

" _Alright, we gotta practice if you're gonna make the team._ " Elliot said, grabbing Eli's shoulder and squeezing it.

Kathy shook her head at Elliot then turned to Olivia, who was sitting on the other side of the bar.

" _He's seven. All the kids make the team at this age… it's flag football._ " The blonde told her.

Olivia snorted with laughter.

" _We'll be back later._ " Elliot called out to the two women. He wanted to go over and give Olivia a kiss goodbye on the cheek or head but he knew she'd give him hell for doing that in front of Kathy.

Olivia swallowed hard as she heard the front door open and close. She was almost scared to have this conversation.

The house was quiet. Eli was the only child that lived there now, the others were much older and had moved out to their own place or gone to college, in some cases, both. The house was filled with family pictures but Olivia would expect nothing less from the Stablers. They'd always been family oriented.

" _Do you want some coffee?_ " Kathy asked as she poured herself a cup, trying to break the ice. She sensed Olivia was nervous.

" _Yes, please._ "

Kathy fixed her own cup, then poured one for Olivia and took them to the bar, setting them down. They she got the sugar and creamer and sat it down for Olivia to use how she liked. The blonde walked around the counter and sat down beside Olivia on a bar stool, but moved it over so there was plenty of space in between them.

Olivia fixed her coffee and stirred it.

Kathy looked at Olivia expectantly as she sipped her own coffee. Elliot's ex wasn't quite sure what to expect.

" _I… I don't know where to start…_ " Olivia said in a small voice as she sat her coffee cup down on the counter top.

Kathy nodded in understanding, knowing that whatever Olivia was going to talk about, wasn't going to be easy.

" _Take your time…_ " Kathy coaxed in what Olivia was almost certain was her nursing voice for patients.

Olivia took a deep breath and ran her finger around the top of her coffee cup as she stared at it.

" _I've been… having some problems lately, going through some things._ " Olivia tried to explain. " _I have a lot of emotions and feelings… My therapist thinks it's best if I talk it out, that it'll help me cope and heal with other things…_ " She said.

Kathy nodded, giving Olivia a concerned look as she perched her left arm on top of the counter and turned her body to the right, giving Olivia her full attention.

" _I have a drinking problem._ " The brunette said suddenly. " _It doesn't really have anything to do with why I'm here… in fact, I have no idea why I just blurted that out._ " Olivia said as she sighed and rubbed her face with her right hand, closing her eyes. " _I'm sorry._ " She whispered.

Elliot's ex could have guessed as much. She knew something was wrong the day she talked with Olivia behind the tree in the park and Olivia was hungover. But Kathy decided to keep that to herself.

" _It's fine, Olivia._ " The blonde told her. " _You can say whatever you need to. I'm here to listen… I had to take psychology classes in nursing school too, you know._ " She explained with a small smile, letting the other woman know that she was sensitive and not judgmental about whatever information Olivia wanted to tell her.

Olivia huffed.

" _I feel guilty…_ " She said in a small voice, removing her hand and looking up at Kathy, who knitted her eyebrows together in confusion.

The brunette rubbed her lips together as she tried to decide how to continue the conversation.

" _I love him, Kathy… so much…_ " Olivia whispered as she closed her eyes tightly. She felt bad, terrible for saying it.

The other woman smiled, now understanding what Olivia was feeling guilty about.

" _Don't feel guilty for loving him, Olivia. You shouldn't._ " She said, giving Olivia a caring look.

" _You don't think I should?_ " Olivia asked.

" _No…. I don't feel guilty for it._ " Kathy replied, surprising Olivia who momentarily froze. The brunette now wondered if she'd made a mistake in confiding in Kathy, if in fact she'd come here thinking she'd just talk to the woman but when in reality, Kathy might be fighting to get Elliot back.

" _You… you still…_ " Olivia stuttered, all the sudden feeling light headed.

" _I'll always love him. It's just how it works._ " Kathy explained, reaching over and putting her hand on Olivia's shoulder and giving it a squeeze. Olivia looked at the woman cautiously. " _Once you love someone, you don't suddenly stop… the love just… changes sometimes. It's hard to explain._ " She said with a huff as she got up and walked to the sink, dropping her empty coffee cup in it.

Kathy walked over to the counter where Olivia was facing her and leaned over on her forearms.

" _He'll always be in my heart, Olivia, always. I can't change that, I couldn't if I tried._ " The blonde said with a sad smile. " _But we don't go together anymore. Our time is up. We did good, we had a lot of good years but… it's over._ " She assured Olivia, who bit her bottom lip and looked down.

" _Kathy…_ " Olivia started and took a deep breath. " _I loved him when he was married… when he was with you and… and that is weighing very heavily on me, on my heart and my state of mind._ " Olivia said as her eyes began to water. " _I… I fell in love with a married man and that doesn't make me a good person… I'm not a good person at all and… and…_ "

The blonde rounded the counter and grabbed a box of tissues by the fridge. She handed them to Olivia as she sat back down beside her.

" _I know._ " Kathy said, giving Olivia a small smile. " _Remember when we ran into each other at the hospital and I met your new partner?_ "

Olivia nodded as she took a tissue and dabbed her eyes.

" _The conversation that we had that day, I meant every word. I knew you two had feelings for each other and I have so much respect for you, simply because you respected my marriage. You stayed away from him and didn't act on your feelings…_." Kathy explained. She took a deep breath and looked around the kitchen before setting her eyes back on Olivia. " _And as for you being a good person, well, I don't think you could get any better than refusing to interfere with my marriage even though you were in love with my husband._ "

The words his Olivia harder than she expects. She sniffled and looked down briefly, trying to keep her tears at bay and wished that she had at least some sort of control over her emotions.

" _I wish Elliot and I could have lasted… for the family, for the kids, for… us but it just wasn't working. If he'd had an affair with you, I can promise you wouldn't be sitting in my kitchen right now…_ " Kathy confessed. While she was generally a nice person, Kathy could be very territorial and a bitch if she needed to be.

Olivia swallowed hard and nodded.

" _But…_ " The blonde continued. " _You two did things right, you waited and he tried to save our marriage._ "

The brunette rested her hands and forearms on the counter top with the tissue box between them.

" _You should hate me._ " Olivia said as more tears made their way down her face.

" _I've tried…_ " Kathy said, looking down at her lap and pushing a stand of hair behind her ear. " _In the beginning when you were his new partner, I wanted to hate you. You were gorgeous and amazing. I was terrified that you were going to take my husband away from me but… I'm giving him to you Olivia. I wouldn't hold him back and even if I tried, he would have run to you, especially after your assault. You are so strong and you have this heart of gold. It's nearly impossible to hate Olivia Benson._ " Kathy told her, looking up.

" _And you saved my life and Eli's life… how am I supposed to hate you after that…_ " Kathy shrugged as she let out a small laugh.

Olivia's face contorted slightly and she shook her head.

" _Elliot was my partner… I couldn't let his wife and child die… I was just doing my job._ "

Kathy shook her head.

" _I remember being in the ambulance and thinking 'If I die, I hope he gets together with Olivia. I hope she's the one who looks after our kids…' because for a minute there, I really didn't think I was gonna make it._ "

" _Oh god, Kathy…_." Olivia said as more tears flooded her face and Kathy felt her own eyes well up.

" _To be honest, when Elliot called me and said there needed to be a discussion, I thought you two were going to come over here and tell me you were getting married…_ " Kathy confessed with a small smile.

Olivia swallowed hard as her eyes got wide.

" _No… um, that's just… I'm not really the marrying type and we only agreed to be officially dating a couple of days ago… just wow. No._ " Olivia replied quickly, wiping her face with the tissue she had.

" _Have you told Elliot your feelings on all this? Have you talked to him?_ "

" _No…_ " Olivia said in a small voice. " _I needed to square things away with you first… see where you were at with me and all before I dove in with him…_ "

Kathy smiled and shook her head.

" _We're good, Olivia._ " She promised.

" _Are you sure? Because if there's anything, anything at all-_ "

" _We're good._ " Kathy repeated, cutting Olivia off. She sniffed and took the tissue box from Olivia and grabbed a couple for herself. " _It's just… we're a big family, Olivia and you're part of that now._ "

" _O-okay?_ " Olivia said cautiously, not wanting to correct Kathy on the fact that she and Elliot were just a small item, that they hadn't really dove into the important parts of their relationship, they hadn't even really gone public.

" _Christmases, Thanksgivings, holidays… you're invited and I want you to show up… I mean if you can't, if it's mentally too hard or something's going on then of course it's okay but… in years to come if you host holidays in your home… with my kids and grandkids…_ "

" _You expect an invitation._ " Olivia finished for her, nodding her head.

" _Yes._ " Kathy stated.

Olivia chewed on her lip as she breathed in through her nose.

" _I don't foresee myself ever hosting holidays but if I do, you and… and Ben are definitely welcome. Especially if it's your family that is there, Kathy._ " Olivia promised her.

Kathy nodded gratefully.

" _This is a little weird_." Olivia replied softly.

And it was weird, these two women who once loved the same man talking about holidays and spending time together as a family. Olivia would have never in a million years believe she'd be in the position.

" _I've said it before but I'm going to say it again…_ " Kathy stated, standing up. Olivia stood up too for good measure because she wasn't sure what Kathy was going to do. " _You and Elliot have my blessing._ " She said, giving Olivia a small smile.

" _Th-thank you…_ " Olivia whispered.

" _I… can I hug you. I know you might not be great with touching since everything that's happened so, I wanted to ask first._ " Kathy said hesitantly.

Olivia nodded and Kathy walked over, giving Olivia an awkward hug. The brunette hugged her back.

" _He's very protective of me._ " Kathy stated to Olivia as they pulled back from the hug. " _You can see how he acts with Ben or if his name comes up… I'm the same way and there's no one better I could want him to be with other than you, Liv._ "

Olivia's eyes watered again and she just nodded, accepting what Kathy had just told her. Olivia didn't know how the woman standing in front of her could be so loving and caring towards her.

They sat back down and chit-chatted about how the scar cream was working and about Eli playing sports until Elliot and Eli returned.

Olivia thanked Kathy once more for sitting down with her then she asked Eli a few questions about practice with Elliot. Eventually, she told Elliot she'd be waiting in the car and she made her way outside.

" _Go wash up and take a shower._ " Kathy directed at Eli. He was very smelly since he'd been sweating with Elliot running around at the park.

" _She okay?_ " Elliot asked as he watched Eli head upstairs.

" _She'll be okay._ " Kathy replied, not wishing to break Olivia's trust by telling Elliot what they'd discussed.

Elliot huffed and leaned against the refrigerator as he watched Kathy wipe down the kitchen counters.

" _I'm worried. I don't know what to do…_ " He confided in his ex-wife.

Kathy gave him a small smile as she grabbed a paper towel to wipe off the counter with.

" _I think you should take her out to your mom's house for a few days, get some alone time with her. There are some things that you two need to talk through without any interruptions. Plus, the beach is calming and soothing…_ " Kathy told him.

Elliot exhaled and crossed his arms over his chest.

" _I haven't told her._ " He said.

Kathy looked at him.

" _Haven't told her what?_ " She asked, confused.

Elliot gave her a knowing look.

Kathy raised her eyebrows.

" _You haven't told her your mom passed?_ " She questioned.

Elliot nodded.

 **Thanks for the reviews! Please, please keep them coming. I love hearing your thoughts on this story and I need to hear what y'all think in order to keep writing.**


	47. Chapter 47

**This turned into a rather long update…**

Elliot had told her to pack for the beach, to pack for a few days but he hadn't given her any more information. It was now mid-May. Perfect beach weather. Not too hot and not too cold.

It'd taken Elliot a couple of weeks to get up the nerve to take her and he'd to paid someone to make sure the house was fully ready. He'd renovated it himself but he hadn't been there in a while… not since Lewis took Olivia the first time.

In the meantime, Olivia had still shied away from having the very conversation with Elliot that she needed to. He'd let her be, given her space, knowing that she'd talk to him in her own time.

When Olivia finally got up the nerve to ask Amanda for help with the AA meeting, it went better than she had expected. The brunette had called the blonde one day, offering lunch at a nearby sandwich shop. As usual, Amanda agreed.

" _I need to ask you for a favor…_." Olivia said quietly as she picked at her food.

" _Alright, of course, anything you need._ " Amanda instantly agreed without knowing what it was then bit down into her sandwich.

Olivia stopped eating and gazed around the food joint. She didn't want to do this. She didn't want to admit her fault, the very thing that had brought her mother to her untimely death. Olivia was ashamed.

" _I need you to go with me to an AA meeting… I can't… I won't go by myself…_ " Olivia said quietly as she played with her French fries.

Amanda remained quiet for a moment, partially because she was shocked at what she was hearing. The blonde wondered how she could have missed it. The signs were there, she remembered Olivia buying the excessive amount of vodka after Lewis had raped her.

" _Okay._ " The younger woman agreed, reaching across the table and giving Olivia's wrist a light squeeze before retracting her hand.

" _I'm not an alcoholic…_ " Olivia said quickly, looking up at Amanda. " _I'm just… trying to get ahead of a problem before it gets out of control…._ " She confessed.

" _Alright._ " Amanda said. " _Of course, I'll go with you. You and Fin offered to go with me so many times to GA… on the roof, you told me you supported me and you did… even if I didn't want it…._ " She said with a smile and a shrug.

" _Thanks…_ " Olivia whispered as she quickly went back to eating her sandwich, hoping to quickly change topics.

" _I'll get the list and sent it to you, you can pick a meeting and we'll go._ " Amanda concluded. Olivia nodded and didn't speak another word about it.

Amanda kept her word. She got a hold of all the local meetings for AA and emailed the list to Olivia, who after several internal fights with herself, decided on a night, one of course that Amanda wasn't on call.

There was a lot of shame that came with going to her meeting. Olivia hated every minute of it. She hated asking Amanda to go and she hated telling Elliot she was going. It just sucked.

" _I might be home a bit late…_ " Olivia said nonchalantly as she was putting up the dishes in the kitchen. Her statement caught Elliot by surprise but now that he took in her wardrobe, he could tell she was dressed to go out and do something in town.

" _Okay…_ " He said slowly, looking at her from across the kitchen, wondering if she was going to tell him what she was doings.

Olivia briefly stopped moving after she put the dishes in the cabinet and looked at Elliot.

" _Umm…_ " She muttered as she looked around the kitchen and wiped her forehead with the back of her hand. " _I'm going out with Amanda._ " She told him hesitantly.

Elliot gave her a small smile.

" _Alright._ " He said, slightly confused by her demeanor. He could tell there was more to the story.

Olivia huffed and went back to unloading the dishes from the dishwasher.

" _We're going to an AA meeting._ " She said silently, as if it was no big deal, as if she wasn't scared shitless of what was going to happen, or that she'd have to speak, or that someone would recognize her as Sergeant Benson.

She could hear his footsteps approaching her from behind. Olivia placed the cup in her hand on the counter top and stretched out her arms beside her, bracing herself on the counter in front of the sink.

The brunette could practically feel Elliot's presence behind her.

" _Turn around, babe._ " He said calmly. He was using her pet name again, he knew she liked it.

Olivia did as she was told, turning around slowly and was immediately engulfed in Elliot's big, strong arms. She hugged him back, naturally.

" _You're so strong, Olivia, so fucking strong._ " He whispered in her ear. " _You have my full support and I'm so damn proud of you._ " He said and she let her eyes close briefly as she took in his words and let them fully weigh on her.

Elliot kissed her temple as he pulled back. This is when he realized Kathy was right. He needed to get Olivia away from the city for a few days. She needed a break. She deserved one and for the past few days, they hadn't been communicating as well as he would have liked.

" _I swear you're the strongest woman I know…_ " He said, giving her a small smile.

Olivia exhaled lightly then took his face in both of her hands. His eyes closed just before her lips touched his. She kissed him long and hard. His hands played at her waist for a moment before slipping into the back pockets of her jeans and grabbing her ass, pulling her firmly against him, something he hadn't done in a while.

…

The AA meeting hadn't gone as bad as Olivia had thought it would. She got to hear some people speak about their journey, she didn't have to introduce herself or talk at all, and she learned some helpful coping tools for when she wanted to drink.

However, someone did recognize her, which had been one of her biggest fears. The last thing Olivia needed was it to get out that Sergeant Benson was an alcoholic… but Amanda was quick and smart. After the gentleman asked what Olivia was doing in a place like that, Amanda quickly swooped in and saved her friend, patting on the knee and explaining that Olivia was accompanying her to the meeting because she'd been too shy to come alone. The man in return began to sing Olivia's praises from a past case she'd worked that had involved him and then eventually took his seat across the room.

" _You didn't have to do that back there…_ " Olivia said quietly as she headed towards the car after the meeting.

Amanda shrugged. " _I'm already out as a gambler. The two go hand-in-hand sometimes, I didn't mind._ " She said as she opened the passenger side door to Olivia's car and began to enter the vehicle.

" _Still…_ " The brunette mumbled as she sat down in the driver's seat and shut the door.

The blonde shook her head.

" _I fucked up my career._ " Amanda said honestly. " _I did things to put myself and my job at risk, and to an extent, I put the people I work with at risk…_ " She told Olivia. " _I almost got myself fired. I screwed up my life already, you haven't. You don't deserve for people to think you're an alcoholic when you're not. You saw a problem and you're getting ahead of it, Liv. You're doing what I should have done…_ " The younger woman finished, giving Olivia a small glance to find that the other woman was staring at her.

Olivia sat with her keys in her left hand as she reached out to Amanda with her right.

" _I… I wouldn't have fired you. That day on the roof of the precinct… I meant every word._ " She told the younger woman as she grasped her forearm and squeezed it.

Amanda gave her a weak smile but Olivia could tell the other woman didn't believe her so she continued speaking.

" _I've done some stupid shit in the past… I still do. But Cragen… he never fired me or even threated to… I got suspended and so did Elliot… more than once or twice but he always talked to us, let us know what was going on and where we messed up, then he'd do whatever he had to in order to fix it and make sure we were okay…_ " Olivia stated, making sure to make eye contact with Amanda as she spoke.

The younger woman nodded but looked like she was about to cry. This night wasn't what Olivia thought it would be at all. She thought she'd be the one upset and crying, she thought the AA meeting would have torn her apart and brought up old memories of her mother but it hadn't.

" _Would you call us… friends?_ " Amanda asked quietly, now gazing out the front of the windshield, refusing to look at Olivia.

The brunette knit her eyebrows in confusion as she continued to look at the woman who was in fact her friend.

" _You know I would, Amanda. Maybe I wouldn't have when we were up on that roof but I definitely would now…_ " She said with conviction, giving the blonde's arm another squeeze before retracting her hand. " _What's going on?_ " Olivia asked with concern.

Amanda closed her eyes and bowed her head in shame, not really wanting to answer the question.

" _Amanda, did you relapse?_ " Olivia asked gently, going into victim advocate mode and inadvertently using her victim voice.

" _No… but… god, I want to gamble so badly…_ " Amanda whispered, shaking her head at herself as silent tears started making their way down her cheeks.

Olivia nodded in understanding.

" _Alright… It's gonna be okay, Amanda._ " The older woman said as she leaned over the center console and giving Amanda a side hug. " _I'm so happy you told me instead of going to gamble…_ " She whispered to her friend as she held her. Amanda complied, wrapping her arms around Olivia.

" _I'm sorry I'm such a handful…_ " The blonde whispered back, resting her head on Olivia's shoulder.

" _You know…_ " Olivia began. " _I say that to Elliot constantly._ " She replied as she pulled back, giving Amanda a small smile. " _You're not a handful._ "

Amanda let out a watery laugh and wiped her face with the back of her hand.

Olivia kept a small smile on her face as she put her keys in the ignition and then looked both ways before backing out of her parking spot and taking off down the road. Amanda noticed immediately that they were going in the wrong direction. This wasn't the way to her apartment.

" _Liv?_ " The younger woman asked, but Olivia already knew the true question.

" _You're coming home with me tonight._ " She explained.

Amanda shook her head.

" _No… you have Elliot there and I'm sure you-_ "

" _Amanda,_ " Olivia said, casting her a glance. " _I don't want to leave you alone right now, not after you've admitted that you have the urge to gamble, and I'd like to talk a bit more with you as to why that is…_ "

The brunette saw the panicked look on Amanda's face and she saw how the blonde bit down on her bottom lip like she was worried she was in trouble.

" _I'm your friend._ " Olivia reminded her. " _Not your superior._ "

Amanda looked down at her lap and played with her nails, pretending to be examining them nervously.

Olivia reached over with her right hand, seeking out Amanda's left hand, once she did, she intertwined their fingers and didn't let go until they reached her apartment.

…

A shirtless and sweatpants clad Elliot looked up from watching TV as he heard the key in the door. Moments later, Olivia entered the room.

He smiled as he saw her. She smiled back but the smile dropped from Elliot's face as he watched Amanda enter the room behind Olivia. It was clear to him the blonde had been crying.

Elliot got up as Olivia came closer to hug him hello.

Amanda ran a hand through her blonde hair and gave Elliot a small wave 'hello', trying not to let her eyes linger on his chest too long but it was there and out on display. He smiled at her for good measure, trying to make her feel comfortable.

" _I'm gonna get her settled in. We'll probably stay up and talk a bit._ " Olivia told him. " _Why don't you head on to bed…_ " She suggested, looking at her watch and seeing it was past ten o'clock.

" _Alright…_ " He said lovingly, hovering his face above hers to see if she wanted a good night kiss. Olivia smiled as she leaned up to capture his lips with hers, letting the kiss last longer than it should and briefly forgetting her friend was standing behind her.

" _There's plenty of Chinese takeout in the fridge, it's enough for both of you if you want any…_ " He announced, disclosing to Olivia that he'd ordered out for supper since she wasn't there to partake with him.

After a few more pecks, Olivia let him go, watching him walk down the hallway to her bedroom and shutting the door behind him to give the women some privacy.

Olivia hadn't been the only one watching him walk away. When she turned around, Amanda was still staring down the hallway.

The brunette smiled.

" _He really is something to look at, huh?_ " She stated, feeling confident that Amanda would never betray her and actually go after Elliot. It didn't matter much if she did. Elliot would never trade Olivia in for anyone. She was his end game.

Amanda swallowed hard and muttered an apology.

Olivia only laughed as she made her way into the kitchen.

" _It's fine. I don't mind. You can look, just don't touch._ " She told her friend. Amanda opened her mouth to reply but when nothing came to mind, she shut it and decided it'd be best if she just dropped the topic all together.

Olivia reached into the top cabinet by the sink and retrieved two glasses, the went to another cabinet and took out a bottle of Bourbon.

" _Olivia, we literally just came from an AA meeting…_ " Amanda said, concerned.

The brunette nodded and began filling the glasses. " _I know… but I was there because I have a drinking problem developing with vodka and you were there for moral support so… drink up._ " She said as she pushed a glass towards Amanda and took a sip of her own, knowing she was safely drinking a tolerable drink in her own home.

" _Oh!_ " Olivia said quickly. " _Let me go get you some clothes to sleep in._ "

" _You don't have to._ " Amanda replied but Olivia had already taken off down the hallway and into her room, shutting the door behind her to give Elliot some privacy.

He was already laying on his back in bed.

Upon hearing her enter and shut the door, he turned on his side to face her.

" _She okay?_ " Elliot asked with worry and concern.

" _Yeah… she's just… triggered._ " Olivia answered as she went to the dresser to retrieve a pair of sweat pants and t-shirt.

" _Sexual assault triggered or gambling triggered?_ " He asked, looking at her.

" _Gambling._ " Olivia turned around, shutting the dresser drawers and setting the clothes on the dresser. She made her way over to Elliot's side of the bed and he scooted over a bit so she'd have room to sit down on the edge of the bed.

" _You're such a good friend._ " He replied, looking at her and momentarily thankful that he'd left the bathroom light on so she could see when she came to bed.

Olivia smiled and leaned down to kiss him.

" _Mmmm…_ " He moaned. " _I taste Bourbon…_ " Elliot commented, and then leaned up just enough to capture her lips again.

" _Are you okay with that?_ " She asked quietly, worried now that he wouldn't want her drinking at all. The very next day after Olivia had showed him her drawer full of vodka bottles, he cleaned it out for her.

" _Are you?_ " He asked, his eyes twinkling. They still hadn't talked about it yet. It was a conversation she was avoiding but he was hoping when he took her to the beach, it's calm her and relax her enough to make her open up.

" _Yeah… it's not vodka. I don't have a problem drinking Bourbon._ " Olivia explained.

" _Alright._ " Elliot replied. " _How was the meeting?_ " He asked.

" _Good, but we'll talk about it another time._ " Olivia told him.

" _Okay._ " He placed a hand on her knee and gave it a squeeze. " _Go take care of Blondie…_ "

Olivia smiled and leaned back down, giving him another kiss before retrieving the clothes and leaving the room. They'd been doing a fair amount of kissing lately. Not making out but just kissing here and there. It was nice. She enjoyed kissing him. It was probably her favorite thing in the world.

…

" _I'm scared to tell you._ " Amanda told Olivia.

They were sat down on the couch, Amanda now in Olivia's clothes. Olivia wouldn't allow herself to have any more than one glass of Bourbon and Amanda didn't really want more.

" _You can tell me anything._ " Olivia tried to sooth the blonde. " _I know it didn't seem like it for a long time but… you can now, I'm here. We're friends._ " She reinforced.

" _I've been fucking Tucker…_ " Amanda said in a small voice, wishing she'd actually accepted Olivia's offer of a second glass.

The brunette's eyes narrowed slightly and her eyebrows went up in surprise. She should have known. She called it after all. She had seen it coming, she'd just forgotten about it.

Amanda took a deep breath as she watched Olivia's reaction.

The older woman licked her lips and looked down as she tried to find the right words to speak.

" _Did he do something to you? Something to trigger you?_ " Olivia questioned Amanda carefully.

" _He's not really the triggering factor. I want to gamble when I'm real stressed…_ " Amanda tried to explain. " _And well, the situation is stressful…_ " She replied.

Olivia nodded.

" _I'm here, if you wanna tell me about it._ " The brunette offered, all the sudden worried about what Amanda had gotten herself into with Tucker but she'd be damned if she said 'I told you so'.

Amanda bit her lip and looked down, finding a snag on her jeans to play with.

" _This night was supposed to be about you and your problems… not mine._ _It's stupid. It's so fucking stupid._ "

Olivia shrugged.

" _Try me._ "

" _I like him… a lot. I know you don't like him but he's not the same guy that we knew… he's different and caring and affectionate and I just…_ " Amanda trailed off, getting caught up in her thoughts at memories.

" _Believe it or not, I've had the pleasure of seeing the side of Tucker you're referring to…_ " Olivia said. Amanda's eyes quickly went wide and she immediately assumed the wrong thing.

" _Oh god, you've been with him too…_ " The blonde said, mortified.

Olivia smiled and let out a belly laugh.

" _No, no. God, no._ " The brunette replied, gazing around the room before focusing back on her friend. " _When I was… when Lewis did what he did, the second time, Tucker was the first one I told._ " Olivia confided in Amanda.

" _You… you told him you were…_ "

" _Yep._ "

" _Wow._ " Amanda whispered, looking at Olivia.

Olivia nodded.

" _And I swear I've never seen that man be so sweet and kind. It was like he was a different person. So, I definitely believe you when you say he's not who we thought he was._ " Olivia said, readjusting her feet that were tucked underneath her.

" _I thought I was the first one you told…_ " Amanda confessed.

Olivia smiled at her sadly.

" _But if you like him, what's the problem?_ " Olivia said, trying to get the conversation topic back on the blonde and off of her.

" _He wants a real relationship with me…_ " The younger woman told her friend. Then she got up and began pacing around Olivia's living room.

Olivia's eyes narrowed in confusion.

" _I don't understand. You just said you really like him…_ "

Amanda quickly shook her head as she paced back and forth.

" _He out ranks me, Liv. He makes more money than I ever will and I'm still paying off gambling debts. He doesn't even know I'm a gambler! And… and… I've never been in a real relationship before I don't think, which is sad because I'm almost thirty-_ "

Amanda was cut off mid-sentence by Olivia suddenly standing in front of her, grasping her shoulders.

" _Breathe._ " Olivia stated calmly, giving Amanda a small smile.

The blonde nodded and began taking deep breaths.

" _Good._ " Olivia replied, linking her arm with Amanda's and tugging the woman until they sat down on the couch together.

" _Are you sure he doesn't know about your gambling?_ " Olivia asked.

The blonde shrugged. " _I don't know. I'm not even sure if it's in my jacket or not. I was so careless when that was going on that I didn't care one way or another so I never checked on it… but if he knew, he wouldn't want this relationship with me…_ " Amanda concluded.

Olivia shook her head and rested it on the blonde's left shoulder.

" _That's not true honey_." She said.

Olivia wished she could comment on the gambling part but she'd never had to pull Amanda's jacket when she was in charge.

" _What if we get together and it's good?_ " Amanda whispered more to herself than Olivia.

" _Then you have a good relationship._ " Olivia replied for her.

" _Captain Tucker of IAB can't date me, Olivia. I'm trash. Everyone would make fun of him. He'd get so much shit for dating a gambler, a petty detective who is almost twenty years younger than him…_ " The blonde said as tears began to swim in her eyes.

Olivia sat up and leaned back, gazing at her friend.

" _Hey,_ " She said. " _You don't get to talk about yourself like that. Especially not around me or under my roof._ " Olivia told her sternly.

Amanda's watery eyes were bright with worry and concern.

" _That man back there,_ " Olivia said, pointing towards her bedroom. " _There's no way in hell he should be with me. I'm so fucked up and he doesn't even know the half of it. None of you do because the only person I've been able to fully tell what happened to me is my therapist…_." She said. Amanda stared at her with interest and care. " _Elliot shouldn't want me… he had a happy home. He had a wife and five kids…._ "

" _F-five?_ " Amanda questioned in surprise.

Olivia nodded. " _Five._ " She repeated. " _He had the picture-perfect home and white picket fence, literally, but we began having feelings for each other a long time ago, when… when he was married._ " She confessed, even though she thought a good amount of people knew it at this point.

" _We never slept together._ " Olivia told Amanda firmly, even though she'd already told her that previously. " _That man never cheated on Kathy… never. I wouldn't have allowed it but somehow, by the grace of God, he is in there… in my bed._ "

Olivia looked down at her lap. " _Their marriage fell apart on its own… I… I didn't cause it and they both are quick to tell me that every time I have my doubts…_ "

" _He's…_ " Olivia shrugged as she looked at the ceiling. " _He's my saving grace and he has my heart._ " She said, almost getting choked up. " _But it took me a very long time to let him in, to be open to the idea of a relationship with him…_ " Olivia said, shaking her head and looking at Amanda. " _You have to be open to it, Amanda. You have to be._ "

The blonde sniffed, now she definitely longed for a relationship like Olivia and Elliot's. She'd watched them interact, the love was apparent and present. Just the way Elliot looked at Olivia made Amanda swoon.

" _I think you should try things with Tucker…_ " Olivia finished, gaining control of her emotions and quite happy of herself for not completely sobbing on Amanda.

" _Really?_ " Amanda asked.

" _Yes. And if he fucks up, I'll kick his ass._ " Olivia said with conviction.

Amanda laughed and ran a hand through her hair again. She leaned back against the couch and stared straight ahead.

" _I don't feel like I need to gamble anymore. At least not right now…_ " The blonde said silently.

Olivia shrugged. " _You're still staying the night…_ " The brunette said matter-of-factly, not willing to let the blonde go home and be alone after her mini breakdown.

Now, as Elliot pulled up to his mother's beach house, Olivia was thankful for the memories she had of herself and Amanda. It felt good to have a girlfriend to turn to.

Taking in her surrounding after coming out of her thoughts, she realized where they were. It was very much indeed Elliot's mother's home, but it looked different. It'd been repainted and maybe renovated, she wasn't sure, she'd need to see the inside. She'd only been here twice but Olivia was a good detective with a decent memory.

" _Why did you bring me to see your mother?_ " Olivia asked, looking at Elliot with confusion. Not that she didn't like Elliot's mom, because she did. She liked Bernie a lot, her personality was playful even though she wasn't exactly there all the time and refused to take her meds, but Bernie wasn't someone that Olivia wanted to really see while trying to relax and recover from her ordeal.

Elliot looked at her in surprise.

" _How did you know where my mother lived?_ " Elliot asked, staring her down.

Oh, that's right. Olivia had never confessed to Elliot that she'd met with Bernie and convinced her to come talk to Kathleen when she was in jail. And obviously, no one had spilled the beans to him.

 **THOUGHTS?**


	48. Chapter 48

**This chapter was really hard to write. I need reviews.**

" _How did you know this was my mother's house?_ " Elliot asked her again.

She looked at him and swallowed hard. Bernie had made her and Kathleen promise not to tell him, it was the one condition that Bernie had in exchange for allowing Olivia to pick her up at her home, take her to talk to Kathleen, and bring her back.

" _I'm not sure I can…_ " Olivia started as she looked at Elliot. " _I promised your mom I wouldn't say anything…_ " She said in a small voice.

Elliot stared at her intently. She could see his anger flaring at the thought of his mother going behind his back to get in contact with Olivia, which isn't what happened. It had been Olivia that had gotten into contact with Bernie. His nostrils flared and his eyes were solely focused on his newly titled girlfriend sitting in the passenger seat next to him.

" _She's dead._ " He said eerily calm. " _I don't think she'll mind._ " Elliot told her with bluntness and little emotion.

Olivia's mouth dropped open slightly and her eyes went wide as her eyebrows rose.

" _Oh god._ " She said with raw emotion. " _Elliot, I'm… I'm so sorry…_ " She said as she reached over to place her hand on his arm, but he jerked it out of her grasp.

She closed her mouth and took in his demeaner. Elliot's eyes flared with anger and worry.

" _You knew my mother?_ " He asked wearily, then looked straight ahead as he used both hands to wipe his face down. " _Shit…_ " Elliot whispered as he closed his eyes tightly.

Olivia realized what was happened. She looked at the man sitting next to her, the broken man.

" _Hey…_ " She called to him softly. " _I didn't know Bernie well, I only met her once…_ " She corrected him.

" _When?_ " He asked quietly. " _Why?_ " He said, looking to his right, making eye contact with her again.

" _It… It was for Kathleen, when she got arrested. I thought I could convince her to come talk to Kathleen about getting help… and I did._ " Olivia confessed, giving him a sad look. She'd done the one thing that he couldn't. " _I met her at a coffee shop near here, convinced her to come with me. I brought her back home to get ready, then took her to the station. After she talked with Kathleen, I brought her back and… promised to never tell you… I'm sorry._ " She told him regretfully.

Elliot had always thought Kathleen had just had a change of heart, that she'd wanted to get help for herself and for her family, which was true, but someone had helped persuade her. He took a deep breath and shook his head as he got out of the car. Olivia followed his lead and exited the passenger side.

Now she was worried, scared even that she'd betrayed him and his trust. In a way, she had.

She stood by the car as she watched him stalk up to the front door and fumble with the keys, trying to unlock the door. After several attempts of trying to unlock the front door, and failing due to his shaking hand, he gave up.

Their beach trip that was supposed to be nice and easy was off to a rough start.

" _Fuck!_ " He yelled as he threw the keys out into the yard in frustration. Olivia stood by and watched silently, this wasn't the first time she'd experienced Elliot's anger and to be honest, this was pretty tame for him compared to all the times they were partners.

He threw his hands up and stalked back down the steps and headed around the house. Olivia could see him heading towards the beach. She figured she'd give him some time to cool down and went to fetch the keys.

Deciding to let herself in, Olivia grabbed her bags and then went and unlocked the door, opening it into a living room that was completely different than she remembered. The colors were different, the room was arranged different. Where she remembered family photos had once hung, there were now only framed photos of artwork or decorative posters.

She'd never been in any of the bedrooms, only the hallway bathroom and the living room and kitchen area so she couldn't say whether or not Elliot had changed the bedrooms up, but she'd be willing to bet that he had. The entire house looked different.

Olivia laid her bags down on the floor in the master bedroom. She'd known Bernie had two guest bedrooms along with a master bedroom. The woman had mentioned it during their ride to the city. She'd said the guest rooms were for her grandchildren but they didn't come visit too often. Olivia felt sad for the woman but she knew Elliot had his reasons for keeping the younger ones away. She was also acutely aware that Bernie didn't take her meds and as the day progressed, she heard stories of Elliot that explained his reasons.

Walking over to the master bedroom that over looked the ocean, Olivia discovered that Bernie had a balcony or patio type thing on the back side of the master bedroom facing the beach. The house was only one story but it was up on stilts due to the risk of flooding and high tides.

She looked through the window and could see Elliot sitting on the beach. His sandals were on the sand beside him and his knees were drawn up to his chest.

Olivia decided to go back out to his car and get his bag for him. She put it in the master bedroom with hers. Elliot was still sitting in the same spot and she couldn't help herself.

Opening the back door, Olivia left her shoes on the deck as she walked down to the beach to join him.

Olivia stood behind him for a moment before she actually walked over to him. Her hair was blowing in the beach winds as she sat down beside him. He didn't even flinch or move at her presence.

Drawing her knees to her chest as well, she spoke to him softly.

" _I'm sorry for keeping it from you._ " She said as she gazed out at the waves. Olivia was truly sorry.

Elliot flexed his legs and then crossed them Indian style while taking a deep breath.

" _I'm not mad at you, Liv._ " He told her, turning his head to the left and looking at her.

" _Can you explain to me what just happened?_ " She asked him innocently and he turned his head back facing the ocean. Olivia needed to know why he'd gotten upset, why he'd acted the way that he had. She wanted to understand. She needed to.

Olivia loved him with all her heart and she wouldn't allow this to come between them.

Elliot huffed and sat up straighter. His huff turned into a sniffle, which caught her attention. She looked over and saw a tear leaking from his eye and trailing down his face.

" _Oh, god, El…_ " She whispered as she lost her breath at the sight of seeing him cry.

Before Lewis, in all their years of partnership, she could only remember seeing him cry twice. Once during the Gitano case when he was telling her it was okay to end his life, and when Eli was born.

Olivia got up and maneuvered herself onto his lap where she was straddling him, digging her jean clad knees into the sand and planting her ass in his lap. Something she had yet to do to Elliot Stabler until now. He didn't say anything but leaned back slightly to accommodate her, grasping her hips so she didn't lose her balance.

Olivia took head in her hands, wiping away his tear. She looked at him lovingly as she leaned down and kissed his cheek.

" _Talk to me, Elliot, talk to me…_ " She practically begged, leaning her forehead against his as her right hand massaged the back of his neck.

" _I didn't want you to know her… I was ashamed. There's no telling what she told you, what things she said about me, about herself, about my father…_ " He confessed, closing his eyes tightly.

She understood now, well, at least a little bit better.

" _You didn't want me to know about your abuse…_ " She thought out loud.

Elliot shrugged and squinted at her as he tightened his grip on her hips.

" _You already knew a little… I just…I…_ "

" _Didn't want me to know details or stories…_ " She finished for him, nodding in understanding. She knew the feeling. There were many things that Olivia didn't want him to know about her assault.

Elliot sniffled again and looked to his right, away from her as she leaned back a little farther to get a good look at him.

" _I did what I had to do in order to help Kathleen, to save her…. She could still be in jail right now if it wasn't for your mom…_ " Olivia offered, trying to give Elliot some peace about the interaction between her and his mother.

He huffed and looked to the side of Olivia's body, out to the ocean.

" _At least she did one thing right before she passed…_ " Elliot replied, trying to shrug off the fresh round of tears filling his eyes. " _I didn't know… I…_ " He trailed off taking a deep breath. " _Please forget anything she said about me and her… or about him… please… please, Liv._ " He half begged, looking at her as tears trailed down his face.

Olivia sighed and wrapped both arms around his neck.

" _I can't forget about what happened to you any more than you can forget about what Lewis or Harris did to me…_ " She whispered in his ear as she kissed the side of his neck and nuzzled her face into the crease between his neck and shoulder.

Elliot's hands left her waist and wrapped around her mid-back possessively as his tears slowed to a stop and he regained control of his emotions.

" _I wanted to be the one to tell you some of that stuff, I didn't want you to hear it from her… not her skewed memory of events… it's not reliable, she's only ever been on her meds twice in her entire life…_ " He told her forcefully, pulling Olivia away from him so he could catch her eyes with his own. " _Whatever she said, it's probably distorted or not true at all…_ " Elliot said, pleading with her.

However, she knew that at least some of the things Bernie had told her were very true. Olivia wished like hell they weren't, but they were.

" _We can talk about it?_ " She suggested, looking at Elliot and trying to read his face. " _I can tell you what she said and you can correct it… tell me what really happened and what didn't…_ " Olivia offered, knowing it was a risk just asking him to open up like that. Elliot Stabler didn't open up to anyone. That much was clear when she realized that she'd always thought his mom was dead and then met the woman face-to-face.

" _Maybe…_ " He replied, surprising her.

" _Really?_ " She asked as her eyes widened and her grip on him tightened.

" _Yeah… one day… but not today. Maybe soon, but… I can't today._ " Elliot told her, giving her a sad look.

If he didn't want to discuss his abuse, then she wouldn't make him. He wasn't pushing her much to disclose what Lewis had done to her. Elliot was adamant about letting her go at her own pace, so she'd give him the same curtsey.

Olivia gave him a small smile.

" _I want you to know I understand that's a big step for you… and… I'd be honored to hear anything about your childhood that you want to tell me, whenever you want to tell it._ " She said, leaning down and giving him a kiss on the lips as her hair continued to whip around them in the breeze.

His legs were getting stiff so he leaned back a bit, taking her with him as he unfolded his legs and stretched them out. Olivia's eyebrows went up in brief surprise as she braced herself on his chest but she soon realized what he was doing and relaxed. Within moments they were sitting up right again.

She took her right hand and swept her now messy hair out of her face as she squinted at him in the sunlight.

" _When'd she pass, El?_ " She asked lightly, rubbing at his shoulder.

Elliot shook his head and stayed silent for a moment. He was trying to process so many things. His mom had actually helped his daughter in her time of need when Bernie had never been able to be there for Elliot. She'd done something right. Olivia had kept it a secret though, but he understood why. Plus, Olivia was also currently straddling his lap for the first time.

" _A couple months after I shot Jenna…_ " He finally whispered, refusing to make eye contact with his girlfriend.

Olivia shook her head lightly from side-to-side and gave him a sympathetic smile. He hadn't needed that added stress after the shooting went down. He'd already told her he'd been bad off, in a bad head space and there'd been some pill problems. Bernie's death probably contributed to the whole situation.

" _Suicide._ " He whispered so lowly that she barely heard him.

" _I… w-what?_ " She asked, hoping she'd heard wrong but somehow knowing she hadn't.

" _It was a suicide._ " Elliot whispered louder as the tears returned and he looked down at his lap, or rather Olivia's lap that sat in his. He began to sniffle as his bottom lip trembled.

Olivia gasped with shock. She'd figured it was just a heart attack or stroke. She'd known Bernie had to be in her late sixties and it wasn't like the woman seemed super healthy or in shape.

" _Oh… oh god, Elliot._ " Olivia said with compassion. " _Oh, baby._ " She cooed, using their pet name as she pulled his head to her chest. " _C'mere…_ " She said gently.

The t-shirt she was wearing was warmed now from the sun and Elliot welcomed the warmth, pressing his forehead into her clothes just above where her cleavage would be if she were wearing a low-cut shirt.

Olivia held him tightly as he began to really cry. Elliot's shoulders shook and her shirt was dampened with his tears.

" _I was weak… so weak._ " He said as he pulled back and looked at her with blood shot, swollen eyes. She looked at him with concern and confusion etched in her face.

" _After Jenna, I couldn't handle anything… I got depressed, started with the pills… Then my mom committed suicide and left me this place._ " Elliot explained. " _I wouldn't see anyone or talk to anyone for days… I came out here…_ " He said, looking around and gesturing at the beach front. Elliot ran his right hand over his short hair then let both hands drop to his sides. " _I sat on this fucking beach with my gun, Liv… I… I was ready. I was so fucking ready to do it._ " He said, sniffling.

" _No!_ " Olivia said very loudly and panicked. She shook her head from side-to-side quickly. " _No, No!_ " She said again as tears filled her eyes and she began to crumble. " _You're going to a dark place right now, baby, a very, very dark place._ " Olivia said as she took his face in her hands and forced him to look at her. " _I need you to come back, Elliot. Come back to me. You don't have to go there. Not right now, not today…. Come back to me._ " She said, tears now flooding her own face as well.

Olivia rubbed his cheeks gently with her thumbs, dampening them with his salty tears.

She'd be willing to hear his story when he was ready to tell it but he wasn't ready, not now. Elliot was in an extremely emotional state, a triggering state and he should wait to tell his story when he was calmer and do it on his own terms instead of blurting it out during a time he was emotionally distressed, risking triggers and boundaries that he'd set up for himself.

" _Hey…_ " She coaxed him softly, bending down to lock her eyes onto his. He'd been looking at her, but not really, it had been an empty stare.

Elliot picked his hands up and wiped them off on his pants before sliding them a few inches under her shirt, touching the skin of her sides. He wanted to hold on and never let go.

" _I… I'm sorry…_ " He stuttered, not noticing her tears falling until right this moment. " _That… that was…_ "

Olivia shook her head at him, giving him a small smile.

" _It's alright… it's okay._ " She said, leaning down and capturing his lips with her own, kissing him long and hard, making sure he knew just how much she cared for him. " _I'm here for times like those… to pull you back when you get too far out._ " Olivia explained, massaging the back of his neck again as his hands lightly moved back and forth over the skin at her hips.

" _I'll go there with you any day._ " She promised him, staring into his deep blue eyes. " _You wanna take me on a trip down that dark road on memory lane, I'm there, I'll go with you._ " Olivia told him. " _But you've gotta do it on your own terms, you have to be ready and prepared._ " She said.

Olivia knew all too well about being prepared to take someone you care about into a dark memory. She remembered how she tried to disclose information just weeks prior to this and had ended up drinking vodka at her mother's grave.

Now, Olivia had been trying to prepare herself by visits with Dr. Lindstrom and going over it in her head, just which things she'd tell Elliot first and what she'd say to him, how she'd say it.

Elliot blew out a long breath and looked around as Olivia dropped her hands from his face. He pulled the bottom of his shirt up to wipe his leftover tears away.

" _Fuck…_ " He whispered, looking at her as he sniffed one last time.

" _I know that was rough, where you went mentally just now._ " She said, using her left-hand to push her blowing hair out of her face again. " _You okay?_ " She asked gingerly.

" _Yeah… Yeah, I'm good._ " Elliot promised her.

Olivia nodded and leaned back, using her knees and hand to push herself off the ground and into a standing position. She held out a hand for Elliot, who gladly accepted as she used her upper body strength to pull him up off the sand.

" _Come on…_ " She said lightly, wrapping her left arm around his waist, pulling him to walk side-by-side with her. " _Let's fix some lunch…. The house already stocked?_ " She asked.

Elliot nodded as he walked with her, wrapping his right arm around her shoulders.

" _Good._ " She concluded. " _I'll fix some lunch, then we can lounge on the couch a while and maybe watch some TV…_ "

" _Yeah?_ " Elliot asked, looking towards her. His face lit up at the thought of getting to cuddle with her on the couch even though she hadn't used that exact word.

" _Yeah._ " Olivia smiled. " _And then maybe in a day or two… I'll even let you take me on a date._ "

 **This chapter was really hard to write. I need reviews.**


	49. Chapter 49

**Sorry, I know it's been a while. I've been so busy and I've had a bit or writers block…**

After Elliot's mini break down the previous day, they'd gone inside, and Olivia had made them sandwiches. Then, they'd finished out the night by watching a mystery/thriller movie on Netflix. While the drama was supposed to be serious and suspenseful, they both had ended up critiquing the detectives and cops in the movie, then had retired to the master bedroom to go to bed.

It wasn't very surprising when Elliot had jolted awake during the night, covered in sweat and tears from his nightmare.

Olivia had to practically yell his name in order to wake him up. She knew better than to touch him, and she was pretty sure he'd learned his lesson about that particular issue the last time she'd had a nightmare and had slugged him when he'd tried to bring her back to reality.

They both knew the precautions to take with victims and survivors or trauma, but the training and information can go over differently and even be forgotten at times when it is happening to someone that you care deeply about.

He sat up looking around with wide eyes and breathing harshly.

" _Elliot, it's Olivia._ " She told him calmly. She'd already been sitting up in bed, staring at him while trying to wake him with her voice. The side table lamp had been turned on as well so he'd be able to see his surrounding when she finally woke him.

" _Yeah… yeah_." He said as he tried to catch his breath. " _I know, Liv._ " He said, reassuring her that he wasn't in his nightmare anymore.

Olivia got up and walked to the bathroom to fetch a cold rag. While she was putting it under the cold water coming from the faucet, she wondered what Elliot's dream had been about. Probably his childhood or something to do with the Jenna aftermath. He'd touched on both of those events that afternoon, it should've been no surprise to her that he'd been triggered.

After squeezing the excess water out of the rag, she headed back to the bedroom to find Elliot sitting up in the same position, sweat still covering his bare chest, his boxers seemed wet too, and the sheet where he'd been laying was damp.

Olivia made her way over to his side of the bed, sitting down on the edge. Elliot stared at her as she took the rag and began to run it over his chest. He shuttered at first from the feel of the wet fabric, but eventually closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall as his back rested against the headboard.

" _We can talk about it if you want…_ " She offered, running the rag up the side of his neck and over his shoulder, then back down again.

" _I'm fine…_ " He said, and he could almost feel her famous unimpressed Benson stare.

" _That's my line…_ " She replied. Olivia could see the ghost of a smile on his lips. He'd known it was her line. It was Elliot's way of trying to distract from the situation and briefly cut the tension in the room.

" _It was just a nightmare._ " Elliot told her. " _I'll be alright._ " He said, keeping his eyes closed, enjoying the calming effect that was happening due to Olivia rubbing the rag on his chest.

She'd be lying if she said she wasn't enjoying it too. Olivia loved to comfort him. She hated that he had bad dreams but she loved that Elliot let her comfort him. She enjoyed being there for him, it made her feel less like a basket case and more normal. It made Olivia feel like she wasn't so fucked up.

Olivia tapped him on the shoulder lightly to pull him out of his trance. Elliot opened his eyes to look at her.

" _Go finish washing up._ " She said, handing him the rag. " _I'll change the sheets, and you should probably change boxers._ "

He nodded and went to his suitcase in the corner to grab some boxers. Olivia left the bed to go fetch sheets from the hall closet, where she assumed they'd be, as Elliot headed to the bathroom.

She was surprised to hear the shower turn on, but he probably thought a quick shower would be an easier and quicker way to get clean rather than completely wipe down with a cloth. She changed the sheets and pillow cases quickly and then settled back into bed.

The shower took Elliot all of ten minutes and when he reemerged, he was wearing a different pair of boxers. Olivia looked up from her book she'd been reading to keep herself away until he was done.

" _Go back to bed… I'm gonna go to the kitchen and get something to drink… I'll join you in a few minutes._ " He told her as he headed to the kitchen.

Olivia nodded and readied herself for bed. She turned out the light from the lamp that she'd turned on once she'd realized Elliot was in distress. She laid her book back on the small side table, and snuggled under the fresh sheets.

A few minutes turned into half an hour and Elliot still wasn't back yet. Olivia had grown accustomed to sleeping beside someone, Elliot in particular. As much as she hated to admit it, he'd become like a safety blanket. She didn't have a lot of nightmares anymore, but she was always comforted by the fact that if she did, he was there to wake her from the hell her head had put her in.

Reluctantly, Olivia got up, still in her sleep shorts and tank top, and she walked towards the kitchen half way expecting to find Elliot drinking coffee even though it was well past three in the morning.

It took her a few minutes to find him. When the kitchen had been empty, she'd checked the living room to find it also empty. Then she'd half wondered if he'd gone out on the beach, but the sliding door was locked.

Finally, she realized he'd gone to get in bed in one of the guest rooms.

The door was cracked to the one furthest away from the master bedroom. She opened it and could see Elliot's figure under the covers, laying on his right side, on the right side of the bed facing the wall.

" _You're an idiot._ " She said as she slipped under the covers behind him and scooted up until her front was pressed to his back. She could tell he wasn't asleep and she could almost read his mind. He'd thought he was a burden to her so he'd decided to switch rooms.

" _Wasn't sure if I'd have another nightmare… didn't want to bother you._ " He explained quietly.

Olivia slipped her hands around his waist, pulling herself completely to him.

She shook her head lightly against him.

" _You know better than that…_ " She replied.

Elliot exhaled and swallowed.

" _I'm an idiot._ " He repeated her words and they stung her a bit. She hadn't meant to be mean or rude when she'd said them. It was an ice breaker but slightly truthful. She hadn't meant it to be harmful.

" _You're my idiot._ " She countered as she tightened her grip on him and placed a kiss into his shoulder. " _And I can't sleep when my idiot's not beside me…_ " She whispered to him, then nuzzled her face into his back.

Affectionate Olivia was making an appearance. It was becoming less and less rare but she knew he still loved this side of her. It'd taken Olivia a long time to allow him to hold her and be more than friends with her.

She heard a small chuckle from Elliot and she knew he wasn't completely offended or hurt by her name calling.

" _Sorry…_ " He whispered in the darkness.

Olivia took a deep breathe, inhaling the scent of his body wash as she rubbed her hands up and down on his chest, more so for her own comfort.

Silence consumed them, and Olivia remained snuggled into Elliot's back. They still hadn't gotten to the stage of where he could do that to her though. He was scared he'd trigger her and to be honest, she was scared of being triggered herself.

" _What did my mom tell you?_ " Elliot's whisper was so quiet that if she hadn't been right beside him, she might not have heard it.

" _We don't have to do that tonight…_ " She replied gently. Well, technically it was morning now but he got the idea.

" _I can't sleep and my dreams are fucked up… I'm dreading talking about it, it's all I can think about…_ " He said, trying to make a good argument as to why they should talk about it now.

" _We don't have to ever talk about it, El._ " Olivia told him softly, then kissed his shoulder blade.

He huffed in frustration. Anxiety was a bitch and it was getting to him. Now, he wondered what Olivia knew about him, what she'd kept hidden from him that she knew about his past and his childhood.

" _Please… I just… please?_ " Elliot almost begged, shifting against her slightly. He didn't want to turn around and look at her while they talked but he did want to go ahead and talk. They needed to get it out of the way. He needed peace of mind. " _What did my mom tell you?_ " Elliot asked silently.

Olivia took a small breath and pressed her face into his back again before inching it back so her voice wouldn't be muffled.

" _She told me I scared the pants off Kathy…_ " She said.

Elliot's chest vibrated slightly as he laughed. He'd clearly expected a different answer, answers that he was sure would come in a few minutes.

" _You did…_ " He commented with a small smile.

Olivia shook her head.

" _Anyways…_ " She stated, trying to change the topic and almost wishing she'd never told him that part of her conversation with Bernie. Olivia had only been trying to ease his worry and she almost entered into a whole different conversation that she really didn't want any part of.

Elliot's hands were positioned under his pillow beneath his head with his elbows stretched out in front of him.

Olivia allowed the silence to overcome them for a minute longer before she continued.

" _She made a comment about how Joe liked nurses._ " She said, adjusting her head on his pillow behind his own head.

" _Yeah…_ " Elliot replied quietly. " _My father had several affairs, that was never a secret…_ "

After a few beats of silence between them, Olivia continued.

" _She knew you told people she was dead…_ "

" _I never flat out told anyone she had died…_ " Elliot lightly argued.

" _She knew what you wanted people to think…_ " Olivia rephrased her statement.

Elliot huffed again but remained quiet. He had so much anger built up at his parents, and even though they were both dead now, he was still angry. Maybe he was angrier at them because he never fixed their relationship with him.

" _She brought a photo album…_ " Olivia said.

He could feel her smiling into the back of his neck as she scooted closer to him again.

" _You were a carrot…_ " She stated with a small laugh.

" _Oh god._ " Elliot cringed. " _She showed you that picture from the play?_ " He asked, thinking back to the costume that his mother had made.

" _And I got to see your senior portrait… so much hair._ " Olivia told him, trying to contain her laughter but failing.

Now, Elliot out right laughed and he brought his arms out from under his pillow and down to his midsection so he could cover Olivia's arms with his own.

" _That's a terrible photo._ " He told her but there was humor in his voice.

" _You were cute in both photos._ " She told him honestly.

" _Hmmm…_ " Was his only reply.

Olivia really did think he was a cute child. Before those photos, she'd never seen any of him outside of the police academy.

" _You tried to erase your childhood._ " She commented. Elliot stayed quiet. " _I know why and I understand it._ " She told him as she hugged him tighter and she felt his hands make their way to the back of her own. " _She was sick, babe._ " Olivia whispered to him.

" _I know…_." He whispered. Elliot's voice was small and quiet, as if he was trying not to get upset.

" _I tried to talk her into going to a doctor or getting some medication… I wanted to do that for you._ " Olivia explained. " _But when I asked about it, she said she'd tried pills once when she'd gotten in a fight with Joe. That his gun had gone off and he'd had her committed…_ "

" _I was seven…_ " Elliot commented.

So many things were going through his mind. He tried not to think about his parents or the things that had happened. New similarities were making themselves known though. He'd had Kathleen committed just as his father had had his mother committed.

" _She didn't like the way the pills made her feel._ " Olivia stated, knowing Elliot probably already knew that much. " _And_ _Bernie talked about the time she and Kathleen took Joe's Fedora and Cuban cigar to put on a snow man…_ " She said. " _I… I'd always had the impression that Joe had passed a long time ago but…_ "

" _That was the first decent Thanksgiving I had with them… and that was all thanks to Kathy_ " Elliot said, referring to his parents.

" _Oh… Bernie didn't mention you were there for that one…_ " Olivia said. She sounded confused.

Elliot began to shift now. He turned to his left until he was laying on his back and Olivia moved backwards to give him room. She stayed on her right side and propped her head up on her right arm. Elliot stared into her eyes.

" _After all the shit he did to me…. And how my mother acted and reacted to it…_." He took a deep breath. " _Do you really think I'd ever leave my children alone with them?_ "

Olivia swallowed and gave him a sad look as she used her left hand to rub circles on his chest. She couldn't help it. It hurt her to know the trauma he'd endured at the hands of his father and by association, his mother.

" _She thought you hated her because you walked out of her life as soon as you could…_ " Olivia told him silently.

Elliot nodded with conviction.

" _I did hate her… still do._ "

Olivia could see pain in his face and hurt in his eyes.

When he couldn't stand it anymore, he looked away from her and focused on the ceiling. She could see his eyes shining in the moonlight. Elliot laced his fingers together and rested his hands on his stomach. Olivia removed her own hand from his chest, sensing he needed some space.

" _I was a child, Liv…_ " He whispered harshly. " _He had no right… no man should ever… and she knew… she…_ " Elliot was trying to use his words as tears made their way down his face. " _I was a victim and she allowed it to continue._ " He ground out. It sounded like a learned statement, like a statement that you would go over in therapy to help take away guilt and blame from yourself and place it on the perpetrators and assessor.

" _Elliot…_ " Olivia whispered his name. She wanted to reach out and touch him but she knew she'd need his permission for that.

At first, he refused to look at her.

" _Babe…_ " She tried again, knowing he'd probably cave at their fairly new adopted pet name for each other.

That did the trick. He wiped his face and took a deep breathe before looking at her.

Olivia opened her arms to him, non-verbally inviting him to take comfort in her arms. He bit his lip and hesitated momentarily before relenting. Elliot scooted closer to her and wrapped his arms around her waist. She wrapped her arms around the back of his neck as he planted his face into her chest, almost directly into her cleavage.

Now, Elliot was full on crying. It wasn't loud sobbing, but he was crying. She couldn't say that she'd ever seen him in this state. Olivia had seen him in tears but nothing like she'd seen today.

" _It's alright…_ " Olivia whispered to him as she leaned down and kissed the top of his head. " _You are safe now, El… no one can ever hurt you like he did… I won't let them…_ " She continued.

He hugged her tighter and they stayed like that for a few more minutes.

" _I know you want this conversation to be over…_ " Olivia started. He still wasn't looking at her, his face remained pressed into her chest. " _But Bernie told me one other story…_ "

This caused Elliot to pull back and look at her with wet eyes.

" _She mentioned one time when you were younger, there was a snow storm. She said she took you into town when she shouldn't have. She wrecked. You broke your arm…_ "

He nodded. " _Yeah._ " Elliot said as he sniffled. " _That's right. God, she really didn't lie to you about anything she told you._ " He said in disbelief as he leaned back, removing his arms from her to wipe his face off.

Olivia lowered herself until she was off the pillow and face-to-face with him.

" _And… Kathleen knows…_ " She said, taking a deep breath and staring at him.

But he didn't explode like she expected. He didn't freak out or seem surprised. Olivia was actually relieved by his reaction, but she was also surprised herself.

Elliot exhaled deeply and looked a bit troubled.

He began to nod at her.

" _I knew she was aware of some stuff. She knew she was different even before she was diagnosed. After she decided to accept help, I told her a few things that mom did, scary things that could have been harmful to me… she needed to know… it's how I kept her on the meds._ " Elliot explained.

Olivia nodded and gave him a small smile. She was relieved at least one of his children knew he'd been though something as a child. He didn't need the extra burden of hiding things from his family.

" _It's just… really hard to talk about…_ " Elliot whispered as he closed his eyes tightly.

" _I know… believe me, I know how hard it is to talk about trauma that you've been through._ " Olivia said, then she leaned in to kiss his lips. Even though his eyes were already closed, he wasn't surprised to feel the touch of her lips and he welcomed it.

She continued to kiss him so he opened his mouth to her, and she accepted the invitation.

After a few seconds, Olivia pulled away, ending their kiss.

" _I'm so fucking happy you're here._ " Elliot whispered as he brought his hand up to her cheek. " _I'm happy I'm with you… I love having you beside me at night…_ " He told her and Olivia smiled at him warmly.

" _There's nowhere I'd rather be._ " Olivia replied.


	50. Chapter 50

**I'm trying guys….**

Olivia ran the fingers of her left hand lightly up and down Elliot's bare chest. He was still asleep, which wasn't surprising since they both had a bit of a restless night with his bad dreams.

He was laying on his back, his left arm slung out across the bed beside him, purposely done so in order for Olivia to snuggle into his side as they got comfortable last night when slipping off to sleep.

She didn't know what time it was, but she knew it was daylight outside, and by the amount of sun coming through, it seemed to be fairly late in the morning. Elliot's chest was so comfortable underneath her head. He wasn't as toned as he used to be, neither of them were but least he'd found time to hit the gym every now and then. Olivia had stopped going to the gym years ago and now only worked out when she had been chasing a perp or going for a walk/run on her days off.

His chest still had hair lightly covering it, that much hadn't changed.

Olivia's hand made its way down his stomach and trailed around his navel a couple of times before dipping lower and lining the top of his boxers.

" _Whatcha doing?_ " A sleepy Elliot asked without even opening his eyes. He did however, move the arm that was behind her to where it was wrapped around her more instead of loosely laying across the bed.

" _Exploring…_ " She whispered back as she re-situated her head on his chest, angling it down so she could see what she was doings. She'd already pooled the covers below his waist a bit, so she'd have room to work. Lucky for Olivia, she knew he wouldn't mind what she was doing, or trying to do rather.

" _Hmmm…_ " Elliot replied as he nuzzled his nose into the top of her hair while her fingers traced the top of his boxers a few more times. He was already semi-hard due to his morning wood.

Olivia let her hand travel over the fabric of his boxes, around his penis, and down his thigh. She lightly massaged his skin and muscles. They both were enjoying this intimacy. It was nice.

Her soft fingers travel back up his thigh, dancing over his boxers lightly while still avoiding his member.

" _Hey, Liv?_ " Elliot called softly, cracking his eyes open finally.

" _Yeah?_ " She replied, allowing her hand to rest just below his navel as she cocked her head to catch his gaze.

" _You know you can touch me, right?_ " He asked gently. " _You have my permission._ " Elliot continued. He wasn't sure if she was looking for verbal consent or if she was just trying to face her own fears, but he felt the need to voice his permission.

Her eyes closed briefly before she returned her head to the former position of resting on his shoulder while looking down.

" _Yeah…_ " She whispered, then began to continue trailing her fingers around his belly button once more.

Oliva felt Elliot nod his own head and his left arm that was wrapped partially around her shoulder made its way to her waist and gave her flesh a gentle squeeze.

She'd never been the type of woman who asked for consent. All of her past boyfriends either participated when she'd started something intimate or they'd brushed her off and she'd gotten the hint. Olivia had never verbally asked for consent from any of her lovers before, even after she began working at SVU.

Body language was always what she'd looked for. She'd relied on her skills as a cop and detective to be able to read people.

There were several times where she'd had sex after having too many drinks. Technically, she had been too drunk to consent, but she'd never regretted it and as far as she knew, her lovers had never regretted it either.

But now, consent had a new meaning to her. It'd always meant 'yes means yes' and 'no means no' but now, she looked at it in a new light. Saw the word with a new perspective.

Her consent had been taken away. The first time Lewis took her, she'd had no choice but to go along with it. She'd had a large amount of alcohol in her system at times and then there was the meth, the welcomed break from reality.

The second time however, she'd given consent. She'd told Lewis, begged him, to take her instead of Amelia. She'd pleaded with him to rape her. Olivia had asked to be raped, she'd asked to be violated to save a child the trauma of sexual assault.

In her mind, she'd done everything she could to convince herself that this meant she wasn't rape. If she gave consent, then the very definition of rape didn't reply, right?

Wrong.

Even in the very back of her mind, her own voice screams at herself, yelling that verbal consent means nothing in a hostage situation, and verbal consent means nothing when you have a gun pointed to your head.

She was very much so a rape victim and she was getting closer to being a survivor but she hadn't quite crossed that threshold just yet.

Elliot verbalizing his consent to help her. It made her more relaxed even if it was just barely.

She leaned down and placed a kiss on his chest.

" _I'm just… nervous…_ " She whispered to him.

His fingers danced at her side. " _It's alright… it's just me, Liv…_ " Elliot said gently. His eyes had closed again as soon as she'd stopped looking at him. " _But don't do anything you're not ready for… don't push yourself._ "

" _I'm not…_ " Olivia replied, exhaling into his chest.

She wasn't wearing a bra under her tank top and Elliot moved his left hand to wear he was gently teasing the side of her left breast. He was trying his best to play along with what she was doing without being too worried. She'd already told him that she wanted to be treated like a normal partner and that if she needed him to stop or do something different, she'd tell him.

" _I'm just…_." Olivia began but couldn't finish her sentence.

" _You're not shy._ " He answered for her.

" _You don't know that..._ " She replied instantly, but he did. As many times as she'd come in the squad room in the morning complaining about dates or one night stands that didn't go how she wanted them to, he knew she wasn't a shy woman. Or at least she hadn't been she before the attack.

Elliot remained quiet for a moment as he maneuvered his hand to where it was steadily rubbing her back.

" _You need me to take the lead?_ " He asked softly as he eased his hand lower and lower until he was gently massaging her left ass cheek.

Olivia bit her lip. She wasn't sure if she wanted him to take the lead. It was simply because she was scared though, she was nervous as hell. Sex was so different after you've been raped and not only that, but it's different when you're with a man that you've had feeling for, for a very long time.

But they weren't even talking about sex. They were nowhere near ready for full on sex. She was still working on touches and feelings. Olivia still wasn't quite aware of all her triggers.

Vodka was a rabbit hole that she didn't want to go down, but she wasn't sure if she could actually call it a trigger. It didn't give her flashbacks or strong emotions. She just couldn't stop at one when it came to that drink.

Finally, Elliot felt her nod against his chest and he took that as the okay for him to take the lead.

" _You gotta tell me if it gets too much or if you don't want to do it._ " He explained. " _I can't see your face, I can't read your expressions right now._ "

" _I will._ " She agreed. It would probably be easier for her to move into his line of vision, but she didn't want him to be able to see her right now. Olivia was scared, worried, and nervous. The last thing she wanted was Elliot watching her like a hawk as she touched him intimately.

He reached down with his right hand and gently took her left one.

Elliot laced their fingers together briefly and gave her an encouraging squeeze.

" _Over the fabric…_ " He whispered as he guided her hand to his penis over his boxers. Olivia held her breath as she felt her fingers come into contact with his member. Elliot guided her hand with his and together, they stroked his penis through the fabric.

She could tell he took a deep breath because his chest swelled. Olivia herself took a deep breath as well.

He prayed that she'd say something if she was uncomfortable, make some kind of sound if she was having a flashback. Elliot was starting to doubt that she was ready for this and he'd never forgive himself if he set her back in her recovery process.

After a few strokes, he lifted his hand and Olivia took charge, stroking him on her own.

" _Mmmm…_ " He ground out. Elliot couldn't help it. Olivia Benson was stroking his penis. The very thing that he'd dreamed about several times was actually happening.

The sound he made, made her smile a bit. He was getting pleasure from her touch. She fully believed him when he told her he cared about her and that he wanted her but it's so different to actually hear him and see him react to her touch.

His member was now fully hardened.

Olivia bit her lip.

She leaned up into a sitting position, surprising herself and Elliot. Then, she swung her left leg over him to where she was straddling his thighs.

Elliot gave her a loving look.

" _I knew you weren't shy…_ " He joked.

Olivia visibly swallowed. She'd made a bold move and now her nerves were back.

She rubbed her lips and stared at him before she spoke.

" _We were partners for so long._ " Olivia said in a low voice.

Elliot nodded.

" _We still are…_ " He commented. " _Just a different kind of partners now._ " He said, giving her a warm smile.

Her nipples were definitely perky right now. Elliot wanted to taste them. More than anything right now, he wanted to hike up her tank top and pull one of her brownish-pink nipples into his mouth. He wanted to know what she tastes like, how they fit in his mouth, how his tongue felt when it raked against the sensitive bud.

Olivia began rubbing his hips. She wanted to pull his boxers down, to expose him. One part of her just wanted to get it over with, she wanted to do it like ripping off a bandied. But another part of her was terrified of her reaction. What if she was triggered? What if her head forced her to be in that room with William Lewis again.

Olivia played with the elastic in his underwear. He'd already clued into the fact that she was buying time, or wasting it rather. But he let her. Elliot just laid there and smiled at her until she spoke.

" _I thought I could do this but I'm not ready…_ " She said in a small voice, giving him sad, guilty eyes.

Elliot just smiled and raised his right hand to her face, caressing her cheek.

" _I can tell._ " He replied gently. " _It's okay…_ " He promised her.

Olivia shook her head.

" _It's not. I started something that I thought I could finish but… I can't._ "

Elliot kept smiling and shook his head.

" _You can stroke my cock anytime you want, Liv… whether I get off or not… your touch still feels good…_ " He told her.

Olivia swallowed hard and gave him a surprised look, like she couldn't believe the language he'd just used but there was also a hint of lust in her eyes.

Elliot removed his hand from her face and let it lay by his side as she used her own hand to run though her hair.

" _You're a dirty talker in bed, aren't you?_ " She asked hesitantly, slightly worried that she might not want to know the answer.

" _I can be sometimes, yeah._ " He replied, cocking his head to the side. He was still turned on, he couldn't help it. His beautiful girlfriend was sitting on his lap, extremely close to his erection. " _Is that something you like?_ " Elliot asked.

Olivia let out a breathy laugh and shook her head lightly, refusing to answer.

" _I don't think I'm ready to know that side of Elliot Stabler yet…_ " She replied, her face turning a slight shade of pink. Then, she removed herself from his lap and settled in bed to his left.

Elliot nodded and rolled over on his stomach, then crossed his arms and laid his head on top of them, turning his head to face her.

" _Let me know when you are… I'll introduce you…_ " He said as he closed his eyes, ready for sleep to take over again. He wasn't worried about getting off. His erection would go away and he was still tried from last night.

Olivia reached over and caressed his hair with her right hand. She couldn't help it, he looked so handsome and content laying in bed next to her.

Her heart was so full.

 **I'd ask for reviews but I'm nervous…**


	51. Chapter 51

" _You putting distance between us because of what I did this morning?_ " Olivia questioned lightly as she kept her focus on the blue ocean in front of her.

The breeze was lightly blowing her hair. It was a hot day but she'd brought the large umbrella from the beach house and planted it in the sand to sit under.

She had felt Elliot walk up behind her, Olivia had always been good at sensing his presence. It's one of the things that had made them such good partners; they were in sync.

" _I thought you might need it…_ " He replied gently, shrugging even though she couldn't see him.

" _Well, I don't._ " Olivia responded, and Elliot tried to decide how to take her answer. There was a underlying tone in her voice but he couldn't quite place it. She'd been in some sort of mood ever since their 'incident' this morning.

Olivia was in a bathing suit for the first time in who knew how long. It was a one-piece and she was wearing shorts with it. Truthfully, it'd taken a lot of confidence to put on. There was an exceptional amount of cleavage meaning a generous number of scars from the burns were on display. Plus, she'd gained weight since she'd last put it on.

Her stomach was no longer flat. She had 'love handles' or as some people call them 'muffin tops'. Elliot didn't mind but she did. Olivia Benson used to be a confident woman but her trauma changed that a bit. Now, she was up and down about how she felt with her body. Some days, she could put on some tight jeans and feel like she was looking good but other days she just wanted to go back to bed after she looked in the mirror.

She'd talked with Dr. Lindstrom about it, about feeling down and about how she'd had problems getting out of bed lately. He seemed to think she was developing depression and she couldn't disagree. Some days, Olivia found it hard to even leave the apartment much less get out of bed.

This trip was supposed to be a breath of fresh air for her, to get her out of the city and so far it'd been good. Even with Elliot's trauma coming to surface and the incident from this morning. They'd barely been at the beach a whole day but Olivia considered it progress.

Olivia was sitting up with her knees drawn up, her arms were crossed and resting on top of them. Elliot sat down behind her on the rather large beach towel that was under the breach umbrella.

She couldn't feel him in her immediate vicinity. He was too far away for her liking.

" _Didn't I just say I didn't need space?_ " She questioned, trying to keep the bite out of her voice but slightly failing as she briefly turned her head sideways to glance at him behind her.

Elliot swallowed hard. He hadn't wanted to get to close to her from behind because she was assaulted from behind. They'd yet to spoon with him behind her, it'd always been her behind him.

None-the-less, he scooted up until he was almost touching her, his legs were spread so that they were on either side of her own.

The small waves crashing created a serene effect. It was calming for both of them.

Elliot was leaning back on his hands that he'd shoved in the sand with the towel as his barrier from actually being covered in the small, tan, particles.

She'd come out to the beach a little over an hour ago. He'd made an excuse to stay inside. Something about needing to inventory the kitchen to make sure they had all the food they needed and checking the toiletry supplies because he supposedly didn't fully trust the friend that he'd paid to stock the house before their visit.

Initially, Olivia had seemed okay even after the morning's events. She'd brushed it off, eaten some toast and claimed she wanted to sit on the beach for a while. He was worried about her but also knew survivors needed their space. Elliot was also aware that something had stopped her that morning. He wasn't sure if it was nerves, fear, or if she'd been on the edge of a flashback but just in case it was the latter, he had decided to give her space.

Apparently, that had been the wrong choice…

" _You're mad at me…_ " Elliot observed lightly but Olivia shook her head gently in denial.

" _I'm not._ " She replied, and used her right hand to push her breeze blown hair behind her ear before replacing her arm across her knees and resting her chin on top of her arms. She really wasn't mad at him. She was mad at herself, at her body and brain for not being able to communicate with her heart.

They stayed silent for several moments.

The wind kept blowing, causing Olivia's hair to whip around. Elliot caught a glimpse of the fading scars at her hair line. He remembered they were bite marks and he remembered how his blood boiled when he first saw them. Now, they were small, faded red marks.

" _If I wasn't a victim, what would you be doing right now? With me, I mean…_ " Olivia asked while keeping her focus on the waves still.

It was a loaded question and Elliot half wondered if it was a trick question, if there was a right and wrong answer but he decided to be honest.

After taking a deep breath that she could audibly hear, he spoke.

" _I'd have my arms around your waist while pulling you against me and kissing on your shoulder._ "

He'd seen the spot on her shoulder that he wanted to kiss as soon as he sat down. It was a patch of her skin covered in freckles, just calling his name. His lips belonged there to mark their territory, but he didn't for fear of triggering her.

" _What's stopping you?_ " She asked calmly.

It was another loaded question.

Elliot breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth before replying.

" _I don't want to trigger you… I know he had his lips on you, on your body…_ "

Olivia huffed. She was tired of being treated like she was breakable but at the same time, she understood his hesitancy.

" _I'm bad at love._ " She whispered more to herself than him but he still heard her. Elliot wasn't even sure if she was talking about making love or love in general, so he remained quiet, waiting for her to continue.

" _I've never been good at relationships, you can ask any man I've ever dated._ " Olivia continued. " _I've always had trouble saying what I feel and showing my emotions._ " She explained, then turned around to face Elliot. He didn't let his eyes drift to her cleavage even though he wanted to look. He really wanted time to inspect her body, all of her scars. Elliot wanted to kiss every single one of them.

Sitting in between his legs, she looked him in the eyes.

" _Even if I hadn't been assaulted, I'd still be really bad at this, El._ "

Elliot pursed his lips together and gave her a thoughtful look as he cocked his head to the side, still leaning back on his arms. Olivia now sat cross-legged between his legs.

" _You were with Cassidy for almost two years. That's a long time, Liv._ " Elliot commented, reminding her that she had actually had at least one long, stable relationship that he knew of.

Olivia shook her head.

" _I'm used to showing how I feel through intimacy and sex._ " She explained, looking down and picking at her nails. " _I'm not good with words…_ " But of course, Elliot knew this. He knew that she'd always had a difficult time talking about herself and her emotions just like he had. They were one in the same when it came to that category.

" _I think Brian was the first man I'd ever been with to really say he was in love with me and um…_ " Olivia said as she looked up to Elliot. " _When he told me he was in love with me, we were at my apartment and I… I immediately got on my knees for him…_ " She told Elliot, then her eyes left his so she could stare at her lap once more.

Elliot narrowed his eyes ever so slightly and his jaw tensed. The thought of her on her knees for Cassidy brought up some jealousy. He didn't like the fact that she'd been with him, twice now, but he wasn't going to outright hate Cassidy for it. He'd have to learn to be okay with Olivia's exes.

" _I felt like I needed to thank him… it's the only way I knew how to show him how I felt. I did tell him I loved him, and I did love him but I wasn't in love with him… I didn't feel the same way about him as he felt about me._ " Olivia looked up and gazed at Elliot as she continued.

" _Why did you think you needed to thank him?_ " Elliot asked, sitting up straighter now to where he stopped leaning on his hands and locking his knees in a straight position so that his legs were flat and spread on the blanket with Olivia in between them.

He needed to be closer to her, he needed to be in her vicinity and if he was too close, she'd tell him.

Olivia shrugged but still answered.

" _I needed to thank him for loving someone like me… for tolerating me. I came with a lot of baggage even then, before the attacks… I'm not easy to love._ " At this point, she was genuinely surprised that she wasn't in tears.

Olivia looked down and bit her bottom lip, a bit scared of his reaction but Elliot just shook his head.

" _Does Cassidy know all this?_ " Elliot asked gently.

Olivia shook her head.

" _No._ " She whispered. " _And it was all consensual._ " She added, looking up quickly. " _I wanted to do those kinds of things for him. I cared about him deeply… I enjoyed doing… those things with him…_ " Olivia explained. "But… we ended badly… well, you remember."

He did remember. He remembered Olivia telling him that Cassidy couldn't get it up for her when he saw the scars because it had made Cassidy think about what she'd endured.

" _You know, he came to talk to me at the court house during the trial._ " Elliot said, a bit worried about how she'd react to that piece of information.

Olivia nodded. Barba had told her in his office. Speaking of Barba, she hadn't seen him in a few months now. He hadn't been on the last few cases she worked before she was assaulted again by Lewis. She needed to contact him soon.

" _Barba told me he saw you two talking. I was concerned but… I had something bigger to worry about at the time…_ " She said, swallowing, then looking to Elliot again. " _What'd Brian want?_ "

Elliot looked around the beach for a moment to buy time. He wasn't sure if he should betray Cassidy's trust but he wasn't sure the man would care.

" _He was terrified you'd been raped… didn't want me to tell him if you had, just wanted to make sure I got you help and looked out for you. He seemed to be under the impression that we were going to become a thing._ "

Olivia rolled her eyes. One of the problems she and Brian had was that he always failed to fully believe her when it came to important things.

" _I told him several times I wasn't raped._ " She said, annoyed and ignoring the fact that Brian foresaw them becoming a couple.

" _And that's all you told him…_ " Elliot replied as softly as possible.

She cut her eyes to him quickly, giving him a slight glare.

Elliot raised his hands in surrender.

" _I'm not advocating for him. I just… I know it didn't end that well, I just don't want you to hate him for how he… how his body reacted to yours."_ He explained, giving her a sympathetic look. _"He felt terrible, I could tell. And it's an uncontrollable thing, you know that, Liv._ "

" _I know…_ " She whispered.

Elliot reached for her left hand with his right. Slowly he laced their fingers together.

" _And you're not hard to love._ " He said gently, looking into her eyes. Then he brought her hand up to his mouth and kissed the back of it. " _And you never, ever need to get on your knees for me, Olivia._ " Elliot said in all seriousness.

She exhaled and shook her head as she scratched her forehead with her free hand. Olivia wanted to get on her knees for him. She wanted to so badly. She wanted to know what he looked like, how he felt on her lips, how he tasted…

The breeze was still blowing her hair and she hadn't worn make up in weeks.

" _I deeply care about you… you know that right?_ " Olivia asked lightly as she scrunched up her face at him slightly. " _I may not can show it right now, but I do, God I do…. So fucking much._ " She expressed, giving his hand a squeeze but Elliot just smiled and looked at her lovingly.

" _You show it all the damn time, Liv._ " He replied, and she had to push down the urge to roll her eyes at him.

" _You show it by sitting here with me, in between my legs and holding my hands. You showed it last night by holding me and listening to me sob over my shitty childhood…_ " Elliot gave her arm a gentle shake. " _You know you don't have to show your feelings only through sex… I know that's what you're use to and it's what you've liked to do in the past but…_ " He trailed off and shook his head lightly but continued to smile.

Olivia leaned in to kiss him and used her right hand to caress his face.

It was slow and sensual but did not include tongue.

As she pulled back, Olivia opened her eyes and stared at him. This amazingly handsome man that was sitting on the beach with her.

" _Will you move in with me?_ " Olivia asked in a soft voice as her hand finally fell from his face.

Elliot smiled.

" _I thought I already lived with you…_ " He replied.

She rolled her eyes and playfully shoved his chest.

" _You know what I mean…_ " She said, leaning in and nipping at his lips a few times before pulling away.

He continued to smile as he pressed his forehead to hers.

" _You know my answer…_ " He whispered.

" _Yeah… I do… I mean, I think I do..._ " Olivia whispered back. " _I just needed to ask._ "

" _I'll have to get rid of some shit…_ " Elliot told her as he pulled away. There was no way all of his things would fit in her apartment.

Olivia bit her lip as she looked away.

" _What?_ " Elliot asked softly.

She took a deep breath and looked back at him, her eyes full of wonder.

" _Would you… maybe want to get a place together?_ " Olivia asked him silently. When Elliot's face remained passive for a second too long she continued to ramble. " _I just… you have Eli and so we need more bedrooms and there are too many bad memories for me at my apartment… I need a new start… I want a fresh start… with you…_ " She tried explained. " _But it seems a bit permanent though, doesn't it?_ " Olivia began to question herself as Elliot slowly smiled at her. " _And who knows if Kathy would even be okay with Eli coming over and-_ "

" _You know good and well she'd be fine with it._ " Elliot told her, cutting her off.

Olivia let out a nervous laugh and looked down at the beach towel they were perched on.

" _I'd love to get a place with you, Liv._ " He told her tenderly, while using his thumb to rub the back of her hand.

" _Really?_ " She asked, somewhat surprised. " _It's not too soon?_ "

Elliot shook his head.

" _Nah._ " He replied, grinning. He was truly happy.


	52. Chapter 52

**Okay so read and review this one because I have the next one already written, I've had it together for a while now and I was trying to figure out where to insert it at.**

 **Also, I promise I'm still working on Turmoil… it's just difficult to write.**

Olivia and Elliot had already done almost everything in their relationship backwards.

They'd been friends for years, the feelings were there, they'd be moving in together in the future…

" _You ready, El?_ " Olivia asked as she emerged from the master bathroom.

Elliot was sitting on the bed watching the flat screen TV that was on the wall in the main bedroom. He had on some khaki pants and a nice button up shirt. Even though he knew they were going out to eat, he was slowly shoving peanuts in his mouth as he watched a criminal show. Elliot was pretty sure he'd already figured out the plot and who the perp was, in fact, he thought he remembered the real-life case it must be based on.

" _Yeah… holy shit…_ " He whispered under his breath as he turned his head to look at Olivia.

She was a vision. Her hair was curled, it'd been getting longer since she'd initially chopped it off all those months ago. Her dress was a light red summer dress. It showed no cleavage and she'd picked it for that very reason. It was sleeveless and flowy, all the way to her knees.

Olivia wore a pair of brown sandals with it.

She looked at him in disbelief as she rolled her eyes. Walking over to him swiftly, she took the jar of peanuts out of his hands and put the lid on it. Elliot raised his hands in surrender.

" _You know we're going out to eat…_ " She told him in a playful manor, getting onto him for his behavior.

He shrugged.

" _It's a bad habit…_ "

Olivia left the bedroom and headed to the kitchen in search of her purse, which was on the counter where she'd left it.

They were finally doing it. Date night.

Elliot turned the TV off, then hopped out of bed to follow her. He was still in awe of her beauty.

" _Hey…_ " He called after her down the hallway.

" _You've got the keys right?_ " She asked as she stood at the counter digging through her purse. " _And… and you know where this place is at right?_ " Olivia questioned, as she dug deeper into her purse, most likely seeking out her wallet or anxiety pills. Or both.

" _Hey…_ " Elliot tried again as he reached her.

" _And it's not crowded, right? It's just… a small place, you said?_ " She continued, her hand finally emerging from her purse clutching her lipstick. Oh, lipstick, yeah, that makes sense too.

" _Hey._ " Elliot said louder as he touched her upper arm, causing her to turn around and look at him with wide eyes.

" _You look amazing…_ " He told her slowly as he leaned in to give her a kiss. She smiled against his lips as he felt her arms lock behind his neck.

" _Thanks…_ " She whispered as she pulled away, but left her arms locked behind his head, her right hand still clutching her lipstick. " _You smell good._ " She replied.

Elliot was wearing his normal cologne. The kind they kept around the house for her triggers and flashbacks. It was a calming smell to her, made her feel safe and let her know that he was there in her vicinity.

" _Thanks._ " He replied.

…

Instead of driving, they'd decided to walk. The place was only a little way down the road and the sun was setting. The view was absolutely beautiful, and the temperature was perfect.

They walked hand-in-hand to the small restaurant.

" _You talked to Eli lately?_ " she wondered, after they were seated at their private booth.

" _Ah, no… he seems too busy to give his old man a ring…_ " Elliot told her, with sympathy in his eyes, as if he knew that she would blame herself for the lack of time that he spent with his son. " _But… he's good… soccer's good… he loves life in general…_ " He said with a tiny shrug.

She gave him a genuine smile. " _That's good…_." She replied.

Elliot smiled as he reached for a cheese fry, which is the appetizer that they'd chosen.

" _What about you?_ " He asked. " _How's Nick and the gang?_ " He questioned, trying to make conversation.

Olivia sighed and shook her head with a smile.

" _He's good from what I hear… he's doing alright._ " She replied as she reached for a fry. " _Amanda's good… I think…_ " Olivia trailed off as she shoved the fry in her mouth.

" _You think?_ " He asked.

Olivia nodded as she swallowed her food and then wiped her hands on her napkin that was in her lap.

" _Yeah…_ " She shrugged. " _As good as anyone can be that's dating Tucker I supposed…_." She replied as she reached for another fry, and this time dipped it in ranch dressing before taking a bite.

Elliot's eyebrows shot up in surprise.

" _So, that's really a thing, huh?_ "

She nodded again.

" _Yep, apparently…. And from what I can gather, it got serious rather quickly._ " Olivia told him, then reached for her sweet tea, taking a swallow.

" _Wow._ " Elliot said as he got another fry and shoved it into his mouth. Taking his time to chew and swallow before he spoke again. " _I would say we should worry about her but…. after how he treated you with the… ahhh…. well, he was nice. I see him differently now._ " He commented. It was true, Tucker had shown his softer side after Olivia's attack.

" _We?_ " Olivia asked in slight surprise and with humor. She was teasing him.

" _Yeah._ " Elliot smiled, taking a bite of his fry. " _We._ " He confirmed. " _What's mine is yours… your friends are my friends… well, for the most party anyways…_ " He said, chewing and swallowing. " _Besides, I like blondie._ " Elliot replied.

" _Good._ " Olivia replied, thinking about how Amanda might be the only real female friend that she had right now. " _She likes you too… especially your chest._ " She said, wagging her eyebrows for a dramatic effect.

" _Mmmm…_ " Elliot replied, as he pretended to be thinking. " _Then I'll have to make sure to be shirtless around her more often…_ " He said.

Olivia laughed and shook her head. " _You didn't need that ego boost._ " She said, rolling her eyes playfully.

Then the waitress arrived with their food. Olivia had ordered a burger with onion rings. For some reason, that'd been her go-to food when she'd eat out lately. Elliot had opted for grilled chicken and mashed potatoes, completely aware that Olivia would steal a few bites of both.

They fell into an awkward silence as they began to eat their main meals.

" _Does this feel kind of…_ "

" _Weird?_ " Olivia asked with a small smile.

" _Yeah._ " Elliot said, smiling back. " _Like we're undercover or playing a role and should be looking around to spy on a perp…_ "

Olivia shrugged.

" _I think it's just… new to us._ " She told him as she took a bite of her burger.

He nodded in agreement, taking a bite of mashed potatoes and swallowing.

" _I haven't really been on many first dates… two to be exact. Well, three… no, we'll say two._ " Elliot told her.

Olivia raised her eyebrows. She was all the sudden curious about his dating life.

" _Who were the two?_ " She asked as nonchalantly as possible as she bit into one of her onion rings.

Elliot smiled. She couldn't hide it no matter how hard she tried. There was a touch of curious jealousy in Olivia Benson's eyes as she stared at him, waiting for his response.

He just shook his head and let out a small laugh.

" _Well?_ " She asked him expectantly, taking another bite of her onion ring.

" _You and Kathy, Liv…_ " He replied, reaching over to steal an onion ring, taking a page out of her book in the food department.

" _I… Oh…_ " She said, obviously she hadn't expected him to include their date in his tally. And she truly had no room to be jealous, she'd been on tons of 'first dates'…

Olivia knew Kathy had been his first, well, basically his first everything. First date, ever. First kiss, first sexual partner, first love. He'd had a lot of 'firsts' with the woman and to be honest, Olivia didn't think there was a better woman that he could have experienced all of those 'firsts' with.

Her eyebrows crinkled in confusion.

" _So, who was the possible third?_ " She asked, then took another bite of her burger and wiped her mouth on her napkin.

Elliot scratched the back of his head with his right hand before taking a sip of his coke.

" _The redhead?_ " He questioned. " _I don't know… do you consider drinks and nachos at a bar as a first date? Or eating sandwiches at a booth in Subway? Or… I don't know…_ " He asked in seriousness as he shrugged.

It wasn't like he'd had a lot of experience dating to begin with. He'd knocked Kathy up a few months after they'd been together and then they got married right away. Shotgun wedding. Olivia had far more experience than he did, and he was well aware of that fact after working with her for twelve years and watching her come in either complaining about how badly a date went, how good it went, or just hung over and tight lipped about whether or not there'd even been a date.

Olivia's eyes widened ever so slightly as her eyebrows rose once again in surprise.

" _I… I thought y'all were just… fuck buddies…_ " She replied, as she tilted her head slightly and reached for her tea. All the sudden her mouth was very dry.

" _We were._ " He promised her. " _That's why… no, I'm sure those weren't dates…_ " Elliot told her more confidently. " _Yeah._ " He said, looking towards the ceiling in thought, as if he was trying to remember the time line that they'd followed.

Olivia nodded. She was beginning to realize that this redheaded woman was more than just the occasional 'meet up and fuck' type of relationship. Which would almost make sense being that Elliot had never actually had just a 'fuck buddy' type of relationship and now she was doubting if he was even capable of it.

" _Tell me more about her…_ " Olivia asked calmly as she put her left forearm on the table and probed her head up with her right hand.

" _I… she's not competition for you._ " He assured her quickly.

" _I know._ " Olivia nodded slightly. " _I just… I want to know more._ " She told him. Olivia could still read him for the most part, not as good as she used to be able to, but she could see that something was bubbling beneath the surface.

Elliot swallowed hard and took a deep breath.

" _Well… she had red hair…_ " He started.

Olivia laughed.

" _I'm serious, El._ " She told him.

He nodded but began to look a bit uncomfortable.

" _Okay, well… we met at a bar, you know that._ " He said, and she nodded in agreement. " _I took her back to my place that night, at her insistence might I add…_ " He continued, and Olivia smiled. " _The next morning, when I woke up, she was still in my bed, hadn't snuck out early or anything… and I know that's how most one-night stands go…she woke up, saw my ring on my dresser and freaked out…_ " Elliot said, letting out a small laugh and rubbed at the back of his head in embarrassment as he briefly looked down at his lap.

Olivia rolled her eyes as she continued to smile. " _You're attached to it, that's okay, El…_ " She replied, remembering how he still was wearing it when he'd come back into her life. It had been his safety net.

Elliot took a small break to take a bite of his chicken that he'd cut up. Olivia grabbed her fork and stole a bite of it as well.

" _I explained to her that I was freshly divorced… that it'd been a difficult transition for me…_ "

" _And she believed you?_ " Olivia asked curiously.

Elliot shrugged.

" _It helped that the divorce papers were still on my dresser…_ " He said almost shyly.

" _Babe…_ " Olivia said sadly as she reached across the table to grab his hand.

She knew the divorce had been hard for him and Kathy. They had five kids and had been together forever, but she hadn't realized it'd been this hard on him. She'd just assumed since they'd started divorce proceedings before Eli and had signed papers back then too, that it would've been easier for him the second time.

What if it was easier the second time? That would mean that the first time had torn him up far more than he'd allowed her to see, and her heart ached that he hadn't let her be there for him. However, at the same time, she understood why. He needed to process and deal with it on his own, without her interference, especially since they had feelings for each other. It was probably an extremely confusing time for him.

" _I… I'm fine now. Everything's fine._ " He said quickly as he took her hand. " _I have you, I'm okay. Everything's good._ " Elliot promised her, giving her hand a gentle squeeze before they each retracted their hands and began picking at their food once more.

He'd truly been lost without Kathy just has he had when they'd separated the first time and almost divorced. Elliot had never truly been alone until those moments. He didn't know what to do without a woman by his side.

" _So…_." Olivia egged him on to continue.

" _She liked me and liked the idea of being a rebound for me I guess…_ " He said shrugging as he reached over and grabbed a cheesy fry to pop in his mouth. " _She'd just gotten out of a rough relationship and said she just wanted a few weeks of fun before considering committing to someone again…_ " Elliot told her after he'd chewed and swallowed his fry.

Olivia nodded in understanding. Clearly Elliot and this woman had both been looking for a rebound and maybe they hadn't even known it at the time.

" _You have a picture of her?_ " Olivia asked, smiling inquisitively.

" _No._ " He said, trying to shut down her motives. " _I think she has a facebook…_ " He told her off handedly, then immediately realized his mistake. " _No._ " He said again as he saw Olivia reach for her purse that was sitting beside her in the booth. He knew she was going for her phone. " _You can't even look at it. You have to have a facebook to look at other people's facebooks._ " Elliot told her.

Olivia ignored him as she reached her phone, pulling it up to her face as she put her glasses on with the other hand, and clicked on the facebook app.

Elliot gave her an unimpressed look.

" _I know you do not have a facebook, Olivia…_." He told her matter-of-factly… as if he'd searched for her facebook account before he'd come back into her life.

" _I have a fake one…_ " She replied as she pulled up the search bar. " _What's her name?_ " Olivia questioned, looking at him over the top of her glasses expectantly.

" _Why do you have a fake facebook?_ " He asked, then pressed his lips tightly together after realizing he was going to have to give her a name or she'd never let him hear the end of it.

Olivia rolled her eyes.

" _To keep up with Nick and Amanda… and SVU and IAB have facebook pages too. They made all the branches get one last year because it was good for publicity. Then they hired social media coordinators to run them._ " Olivia explained.

She'd never actually considered getting a facebook page until she found out both Nick and Amanda had them. Olivia enjoyed keeping up with Nick. Most of his posts were about either Zara or re-posts of some funny pictures or memes. Amanda on the other hand didn't update much but when she did, it was usually an artsy photo of a sunset, landscape, or spray-painted wall somewhere in the city. Her photos were actually quite beautiful.

Elliot's departure would have been a lot easier on her if they would've both had facebook accounts and been friends on there. At least she would have had him virtually, even if he would have never posted anything…

" _Why a fake one?_ " He asked curiously as he picked at his chicken with his fork.

" _Because…_ " Olivia told him quietly as she huffed in annoyance. " _I did make a real one, then after the assaults… a shit ton of people started recognizing me and my name from the news and they… they started messaging me their sympathies and I got a ton of friend requests… it was just too much. So, I deleted it and made this one._ " She explained.

" _I see._ " Elliot empathized with her. He wouldn't be able to wake up and see tons of messages from strangers talking about the assault either.

" _Name._ " Olivia demanded lightly as she prepared to type it in.

He rolled his eyes and groaned lightly but complied.

"Whitney…" Elliot said lowly, then reached for his glass of coke. Olivia stared at him intently, sending him the message that she was awaiting the last name. " _Thompson._ " He huffed out, then took a sip of coke as he prepared himself for whatever Olivia's reaction would be.

" _Hmmm…_ " Olivia said as she scrolled through all of the Whitney Thompsons located in the New York area. " _There's a lot… but there's only one redhead that I see…_ " She said, more so to herself than to Elliot as she clicked on the one redheaded Whitney. " _Oh, but wait… this can't be…_ " Olivia trailed off as she looked at the girl's profile. " _I think I have the wrong one…._ " She stated as she frowned slightly, but it only took one glance at Elliot to tell her that she had in fact clicked on the right one, and he couldn't even see her phone from where he was sitting.

Olivia lifted her head slightly, looking at him through her glasses this time.

" _Elliot?_ " She said calmly. " _How old is Whitney?_ " She asked, tilting her head to the side slightly.

He shook his head and raised his eyebrows as he looked away.

" _Not that old…_ " Elliot replied.

" _Elliot…_ " Olivia inquired more, then held her phone out for him to look at the profile picture. " _Is this the Whitney you are talking about?_ " She asked carefully.

He nodded.

She swallowed hard.

" _Jesus…_ " Olivia whispered as she retracted her arm and began clicking on her phone again with her finger. " _Elliot… she's… wow._ "

He raked his right hand down his face.

" _I know._ "

" _She's… twenty-six._ " Olivia nearly stuttered.

Elliot was almost fifty. There was easily a twenty-year age gap.

" _I know…_ " He replied.

" _And… fake boobs, nice fake boobs… flat stomach… and, god, look at that ass._ " Olivia gulped again as she continued to scroll through the photos that were set to allow the public to view. She wasn't really aware that it sounded like she was checking this woman out, well, in a way she actually was.

" _I… I know…_ " He said as his buried his face in his hands and propped his elbows on the table.

" _Fuck… she's gorgeous…_ " She said as she clicked on a picture that was clearly from the summer, showing Whitney at the beach in a brown bikini. Her skin was covered with freckles and from previous pictures, Olivia could tell her eyes were so green and beautiful.

Whitney may have been twenty-six, but she could pass for thirty, maybe a couple of years older. She looked like a decent person from what Olivia could tell.

Olivia thought about how Maureen was significantly older than this young woman but at the same time, Maureen had been born when Elliot was seventeen. Olivia couldn't remember how old Kathleen was.

Elliot put his hands down and let out a nervous laugh.

" _She's younger than my oldest kid… I'm insane…_ " He told Olivia, shaking his head.

After a few more seconds, Olivia put her phone back in her purse, but not before sending the girl a friend request.

She shook her head as she looked at him and smiled.

" _And I thought your fancy car or nice apartment was your midlife crisis…_ " She joked as she resumed eating.

Elliot gave her an unimpressed look.

" _I meant what I said…_ " Olivia said. " _She's beautiful, seems like a fun, outgoing person._ " She stated as she began to chew the bite of burger she'd taken.

" _You don't think I'm gross… or…_ " Elliot asked hesitantly, looking at her eyes and trying to read her. He wasn't sure what she'd think. They'd worked so many pedophile cases together and to be honest, when he found out her age, that's the first place his mind went.

Olivia laughed and smiled.

" _No._ " She denied. " _You know the kinds of girls Fin dates…_." She reminded him.

Fin, while he tried to keep his girls a secret because they were mostly 'fuck buddies' or one-night stands, always ended up getting found out by Olivia one way or another. Olivia didn't judge him for it and he made sure to see that the women he was with were always of a certain age that was way over the age of consent. Fin wasn't a commitment man and he hadn't been ever since his first marriage ended. Personally, Olivia thought he'd been too hurt by his ex-wife and was now afraid of commitment, but he'd not been too open when she'd tried to approach the subject in the past.

" _So, what's her story?_ " She asked, taking a bite of onion ring.

Elliot's eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

" _Oh, come on._ " Olivia insisted. " _She was fucking a nearly fifty-year-old man… she's gotta have some kind of story…_ "

He gave her another unimpressed look and sat up straighter, puffing his chest out.

" _I'm still in my forties…_ " He reminded her swiftly.

Olivia snorted and cocked an eyebrow. " _Not for long…_ " She retorted.

Elliot took a deep breath and let a smile play across his lips. He knew she was only picking. He looked down and popped a piece of chicken in his mouth, chewing and swallowing before speaking again. Olivia helped herself to his plate once more.

" _Daddy issues._ " He said quietly.

Olivia looked up and tried to study his face, trying to get a read on what exactly 'daddy issues' meant specifically.

" _Nothing like we worked… nothing sexual._ " He assured her as he swallowed a spoon full of mashed potatoes. " _He was just… absent. Left when she was a little kid… ran out on her and her mom… she barely remembers him, only bits and pieces._ " Elliot finished, shrugging.

Olivia winced slightly.

" _That must have been tough._ " She replied. Her father had left her too in a way, he'd known about her, even tried to call her once but never cared enough to make contact, well, probably because he raped her mom and didn't want to confront her about it…

Elliot nodded. " _Yeah… she seemed okay though, just sad about it at times…_ " He said, as he picked at his chicken.

" _That's… not great but… I guess it beats her dwelling on it all the time or picking up a bad habit like drugs or alcohol because of it._ " Olivia reasoned, trying not to think about herself and her past drug usage (even if it wasn't voluntary) and alcohol tendencies that she now had added to her life record that she kept in her head.

" _Yeah._ " He agreed.

Silence fell upon them again as they finished up their food. Nearly all of Elliot's mashed potatoes were gone and of course, Olivia reached over, scooping up the last bite and gave him a small grin because she knew he wouldn't be mad. After all, that bite had been sitting here for a few minutes. She could tell he'd been saving it for her just like she'd reached over and put her last onion ring on his plate. That was just how they worked.

" _It's okay to like her and be attracted to her, you know…_ " Olivia commented, breaking the silence because she could see him dwelling on their conversation in his head. His gears were turning. " _Just…_ " Olivia started. " _If she contacts you again… don't forget to tell her that you're taken now._ " She replied with a husky smile.

Elliot shot her a small grin.

" _She knows._ " He told her straight up.

" _Does she now?_ " Olivia questioned, narrowing her eyes in wonder and curiosity of what Elliot had actually told this girl about her.

He nodded.

" _She knew about you when we were…. Fuck buddies._ " He explained.

Olivia tilted her head to the side as she continued to listen.

" _She knew what I used to do for a living and that you were my partner… she also kind of knew your name from the news…_ " Elliot told her cautiously.

She swallowed hard, her eyes now more alert and focused.

" _Well, that's just… great…_ " She said sarcastically and began picking at the bun of her half-eaten burger.

" _No…_ " Elliot spoke up quickly, wiping his mouth with his napkin. " _It's not like… she's not like that. She's kind and not judgmental…._ " He tried to sooth her fears. " _She's been through shit too. Not… not like the stuff you've dealt with but…_ " Elliot tried to explain.

Olivia gave him a sympathetic look. Nearly no one would ever go through what she'd had too. Her situation was too specific.

Elliot looked around and took a deep breath.

" _So…_ " He began as his eyes locked on hers. " _A few weeks after we'd been… friends… she calls me up, right?_ " He says. " _I'm at my apartment doing nothing and the phone rings. It's her… She's frantic and scared and… and crying. I can tell something's wrong. My cop instincts are going off the meter._ " Elliot explains.

Olivia is staring at him and listening intently.

" _So, she keeps apologizing, saying she's sorry but that she needs help… she sends me a pin drop from her iPhone because she has no idea where the hell she is. I go to pick her up and she is apologizing profusely, saying she knows we don't work like this and that we only call each other for fucks…_ " He continues as he grits his teeth and breaks eye contact to look around the restaurant. " _I look at her in disbelief because as she's getting in my car with all these apologies, she's covered in blood. Her nose was bleeding and she had a black eye… there was this huge ass bruise the size of a hand print on her upper arm and wrist…_ " Elliot told Olivia. His face was reddening as he continued to talk. She could see his anger rising.

He swallowed and took a deep breath before he looked at her again.

" _Her asshole ex had claimed he'd wanted to talk, that he was sorry and so because she's nice and forgiving, she agreed to meet up with him, only he picked her up and then beat the fuck outta her and dropped her on the side of the road in the fucking rain and so she's soaking wet and she's apologizing like crazy for getting my car wet and bloody but I coulda cared less…_ " Elliot said, taking another deep breath.

Olivia tilted her head to the side and looked at him in amazement. He was such a hero, a modern-day hero. He was not only her hero, but he saved people on a daily basis just about. She wanted to reach out and touch him, but Olivia felt that it wasn't the right time, so she continued to listen.

" _I took her to the ER even though she didn't want to go… Dr. Patrick treated her… he though she was a rape vic when he first saw me there. I had to explain that I'd retired…_ " Elliot told her. " _Whitney's wrist was broken, and she was given some pretty good pain meds for all her injuries… she had a concussion as well._ "

" _You stayed with her…_ " Olivia said, knowing Elliot and his tendencies.

He nodded. " _I stayed with her for the next few days… held her when she cried… listened to her blame herself then told her how it wasn't her fault._ "

" _You're one hell-of-a-man, Elliot._ " Olivia commented softly, her eyes were full of love for him.

He gave her a small smile.

" _She knows my story. Not near as much as you do but… she knows I went through some shit and she knows I've seen some shit at SVU… Whitney's smart enough to know that you went through hell and she probably thought you were raped after the first attack, but she'd never say something like that to me because she knows how much I care about you…_ "

Olivia gave him a tinder smile. This Whitney girl sounded like a pretty decent person, and Elliot was a pretty good judge of character. If he signed off on her, then she must be decent at the very least.

" _She sounds like a good person._ " Oliva told him genuinely.

" _She is._ " He agreed.

" _It'd be really easy to have feelings and fall for someone like that…_ " She told him softly.

Elliot shrugged.

" _My heart already belonged to someone else…_ " He said, giving her a smile. " _She's kept her distance since I moved in with you but… I told her if she ever needed me… if he ever came back, to give me a call…_ " Elliot explained, hoping Olivia wouldn't have a problem with that.

She nodded. " _She sounds like a respectable woman, who respects you and… and me. If she needs something or is ever in trouble, please let her know I'm on board too._ "

Elliot's heart started pounding in his chest. Just when he thought he couldn't love her more. Not only was Olivia friends with his ex-wife, but she was also willing to go above and beyond for the last woman that he'd been with. She was unbelievable.

He smiled.

" _Speaking of the ex…_ " Olivia said, giving Elliot a knowing look, then smiled at the waitress as she laid their check down on the table and walked away. " _What did you do to him?_ " She questioned, looking back at him.

He shrugged. " _Not much…_ "

Olivia bore her eyes into him, compelling him to tell her.

" _He may or may not have had a busted nose, two black eyes, and some bruising to the gut…_ "

She shook her head at him.

" _El…_ " She said in her 'you're in trouble, you know better' voice.

" _He knows that if he every lays a fucking hand on her again, I'll kick his ass._ " Elliot stated as he laid cash down on their table and left a tip for the waitress to the side.

Olivia's lips were pressed into a thin line, but she knew there was nothing she could do. When Elliot was passionate about something and protective over someone, there was no swaying him.

" _You ready to go?_ " She asked.

" _Yeah._ " He said, staying up and holding his hand for her.

It was a good first date. Maybe the topic would've been too heavy for normal people but these two were far from normal.

 **REVIEWWWW**


	53. Chapter 53

**TRIGGER WARNING. She talks about Lewis stuff.**

It was a couple of nights later that he found her on the floor of the kitchen, and she was a mess.

They'd spent another day at the beach, making light conversation and just shooting the breeze. Elliot figured she'd preferred it that way. Can't talk about her assault all the time or else it'd consume her even more so than it already did.

But tonight, however, it seemed to have gotten the best of her.

He looked down at her and shook his head lightly but there was a small smile gracing his face.

" _I.. I d-didn't relapse…_ " was the first thing she slurred at him.

Elliot sat down in front of her on the tile and reached for the jar of moonshine in her hand but she pulled it back slightly and held on tightly to the jar, shaking her head, indicating that she wasn't yet ready to give it up.

" _It's not relapsing, Liv…_ " He told her softly. " _You have to be an alcoholic for you to relapse and we both know you just had a scare with a drinking problem._ " Elliot explained as his eyes softened when he gazed at the woman who was in her panties and a low-cut tank top. Her scars were on display, that was for sure.

" _I… I…_ " She began, as she tried to explain her behavior.

" _It's okay to get drunk every now and then…_ " Elliot saved her. " _It's okay to have a crap day or night and get shitfaced… as long as you don't do it every day, then it's not a problem._ " He told her, knowing good and well that she might not even remember this conversation.

Plus, he knew it'd been a while since she'd even touched alcohol.

Olivia nodded, as if that had been the message she'd been trying to convey the entire time to explain why she was in fact, nearly shitfaced, on the kitchen floor of his mother's beach house in the middle of the night.

Elliot jerked his head towards the mason jar she currently held in her hands.

" _I didn't realize there was any moonshine left here._ " He commented lightly.

" _Tea… I… I was going t-to make tea b-but…_ " Olivia slurred.

" _But you found the moonshine…._ " He finished for her, nodding his head.

Olivia almost scoffed at him. She rolled her eyes and gave him an unimpressed look.

" _Y-you're a cop…_ " She said, shaking her finger at him. " _You're not supposed to have moonshine… I-It's illegal…_ "

Elliot laughed and shook his head. She was so fucking cute when she was drunk. He just wished she'd been drinking for a fun reason, and not for the bad one.

" _I'm not a cop anymore…_ " He reminded her.

Olivia hung her head low, as if the memory pained her, as if it physically hurt her to remember that they were no longer partners and that they hadn't been for years. God she'd missed him as her partner. Nick was a great partner but.. it just hadn't been the same.

She huffed and shook her head as she unscrewed the lid of the mason jar and took another swig.

" _G-good stuffff…_ " She slurred, commenting on the watermelon flavor moonshine she still held in her hands.

Elliot laughed again.

" _Yeah, yeah it is… I know some people…_ " He said, tilting his head to the side.

They sat in silence for a bit. Olivia ended up laying down on the floor in her drunken stupor and Elliot was happed the house had been cleaned before they'd come.

" _Wanna tell me what happened?_ " He asked.

Olivia shrugged. " _J-just bad dream…_ " She replied, as she took a deep breathe and curled up into herself. She had had a bad dream and it'd been terrible, one that had included Lewis and then when she had awoken, it'd turned into a triggering flashback. Elliot had been sound asleep and there was no way in hell she was waking him after she'd brought herself back to reality.

" _You're supposed to wake me up, babe…_ " He told her sweetly. " _It's what I'm here for…_ " He said as he cautiously reached down and moved her hair out of her face. Elliot could tell she'd been through something tonight.

She was pure perfection even in her drunken state.

Olivia shook her head quickly.

" _Why?_ " He asked in curiosity.

She shook her head again.

" _Y-you can't k-know the hell I… I… go throughhh._ " She replied, but never-the-less, she curled into his thigh as she layed on the hard floor.

Elliot shook his head as he ran his fingers through her hair. He loved her, he truly did and only recently had she let him begin to do this.

At first, she thought it'd be a flashback because of how Lewis yanked and pulled on her brunette locks but one day, she let Elliot touch her. They'd been lying in bed relaxing and she'd just picked up his hand and shoved it in her hair. Olivia had been filled with a mixture of surprise and relief when nothing happened, and the gentle massaging of Elliot's fingertips soothed her.

Now, he was sitting up against on row of cabinets while she was laid beside the other row, her ass against it but her head against his thigh.

" _We're partners… It's my job to help you go through hell…_ " He commented.

Olivia wrapped her arms around his leg and nuzzled into his thigh.

Elliot huffed. He was so conflicted. He loved her, of course he loved her, but it was so hard to try and help her when he didn't know what to do or what she went through entirely.

" _I want to know…_ " He whispered as he ran his fingers through her hair.

Olivia looked at him with drunken eyes and then rubbed her face against his thigh before she forced herself to sit up.

" _I need to tell you… I s-should t-tell youuuu…_ " She slurred in agreement, closing her eyes briefly but Elliot shook his head. He hadn't meant for her to tell him right this second.

" _Sober… I need you to tell me when you're sober._ " He told her, rubbing at her shoulder but she pulled away quickly and braced her back against the cabinets.

" _No!_ " She denied as tears flooded her eyes. " _Y-you don'ttt u-understanddd…_ " Olivia told him as she shoved his hand off of her.

Elliot looked at her with sad eyes. All he wanted to do was understand.

" _Then make me…_ " He suggested.

Olivia pulled her knees up to her chested and hugged them. Elliot made it a point not to look at her ass, which was very much on display right now…

She shook her head slightly and wiped her nose with the back of her hand.

" _I-I-I'll never tell you sober… I won't…_ " She said. " _The things he d-did… they were… they…_ " Olivia huffed and looked around the kitchen, longing to focus on anything but him.

Elliot bit his lip. He didn't want her to tell him like this. This wasn't why he brought her to his mother's beach house that was technically his now. Elliot had brought her here to give her a break from the city, from the people.

Olivia took a deep breath and began spilling her soul. She told him bits and pieces of the most vial parts of her attacks, even the parts she didn't want him to know, because deep down, she knew she'd have to tell him, she knew. It was important to their relationship.

Never in a million years would he have pushed her to tell him. Never.

He loved and cherished her and if she chose never to tell him, he would have lived with it. It would have been difficult as hell, but he would have honored her wishes.

" _T-the f-first time… he used my vibrators against me…_ " Olivia explained, ducking her head to her knees briefly to wipe her eyes. " _My body betrayed me… w-well kind of…_ " She said as she shrugged. " _I… I… My body was u-use to t-them… I can't say it b-b-betrayed me… I-I-It did what I trained it t-to do so many timesss…._ " She told him, referring to her masturbation practices and looking slightly ashamed and guilty.

Elliot took his right hand and wiped it down his face. He hadn't been prepared to hear any of this. He always thought they'd sit down and talk, that he'd have time to prepare.

Olivia leaned back up and made eye contact with him.

" _H-He…_ " Her bottom lip trembled as she spoke. " _He shaved me… it'd been… a while since B-Brian and I… he'd just started a new j-job and so we d-didn't have much alone time…._ " Olivia explained. She swallowed hard. " _L-Lewis… he said he wanted m-me… clean…_ " Then she rolled her eyes. " _Which was f-fucked up b-because he… he was not… not clean…_ "

Elliot's eyes were already watering. It was killing him to hear what she was saying. Part of him wanted to stop her and part of him wanted to just let her continue and get it out.

She rubbed at her legs as a way to busy her hands. Elliot could see the scar from the bite mark that had healed on her inner thigh and he briefly wondered if Lewis had assaulted her with his mouth.

" _I was h-high… I-I don't really remember it…_ " Olivia shrugged it off, referring to being shaved, as if that made it less traumatizing or painful… but in a way, it did. It's hard to have flashbacks about something that was never committed to memory.

" _I-it's why they insisted I do the rape kit the first timeee…_." She said with a tinge of embarrassment as she pushed her hair behind her ear. " _The… the SANE nurse saw I-I was newly shaven…_ " Olivia shrugged again as she tightened her arms around her bare legs. " _I w-was gonna do it anyways… they needed a-all the evidence… they could get…_ " Olivia finished as she hickuped and leaned back, removing her arms so she could use her right hand to wipe away her tears that had began to fall.

Elliot neglected to point out the obvious, the fact that if Lewis had inserted her vibrators into her body, then it was still rape with a foreign object, then she was in fact raped the first time around but he wouldn't take that from her. She wasn't specific about the things he did with the vibrators and he wasn't going to ask her.

Olivia put her legs down so that her toes were touching his thigh as she took another swig from the mason jar she'd found.

" _He um… h-he touched me i-intimately… with his hands… his fingers were… well, h-he put t-them…_ " She shook her head quickly and gulped down more moonshine, refusing to say what she'd been trying to, but Elliot didn't need her to finish. He knew what she was trying to say, he'd worked enough cases with her to understand.

Lewis had fingered her. Whether that caused her to orgasm, Elliot didn't know but he sure wasn't about to ask about that either.

" _And t-the s-spank-ings…_ " She sniffled as used her hands to wipe her face once more. " _He did everything he could-d to inflict pain but n-not leave a m-mark…_ " Olivia stated, throwing her hands up in question as confused covered her face. " _A-and I didn't under-understand it because… he…_ " Disgust now consumed her facial features. " _He took so muchhh p-pride in… in… these!_ " She exclaimed as she pulled her tank top down a decent, showing the scars that covered her breasts, stretching her tank top so much that she almost ripped it and exposed her nipples.

" _I… I j-just…_ " Olivia bit her lip as she looked up at him again. Tears graced his cheeks in his silence. His legs were stretched out and crossed, and arms were crossed, basically wrapped around himself as if he was trying to shield himself from the pain he felt for her.

Olivia shook her head as she released her tank top, took one last swig from the mason jar, and crawled over to him, straddling him. Then she guided his hands to her hips, letting him know that it was okay to touch her.

She took her thumbs and wiped his cheeks. Then kissed him lovingly. She let their foreheads rest against each other as her fingers massaged the skin and muscles behind his ears.

Elliot looked down at her attire once more, fully aware that this might be inappropriate since his girlfriend was in a drunken state and he was in only a tank top and his boxers himself.

" _I just love you so fucking much._ " Olivia whispered.

His breath hitched, and his eyes went wide.

She'd said it.

She'd finally said it.

He wondered if she'd regret it.

Elliot was stunned but hearing those words flow out of her mouth, even if she was intoxicated, was like hearing the choir at the pearly gates of heaven. He felt like he'd been waiting his whole life to hear them.

" _T-this is where you sa' it back…_ " Olivia slurred slightly, causing him to wonder how she'd managed to say the previous sentence perfectly. Or maybe she hadn't, maybe he'd just imagined that it was perfect because it fucking was whether or not it was slurred.

" _I love you too, Olivia…_ " He said with passion and fire in his eyes as he eased his face back from hers so he could really look at her. " _I love you too._ "

Olivia smiled as she began to cry. She leaned forward and buried her head in the crook of his neck as her emotions overtook her.

Elliot moved one hand up and down her back while the other arm stretched across her shoulder, making sure to hold her tight.

" _You probably won't remember any of this in the morning…_ " He chuckled through his own tears. " _But I love you too. So fucking much… God, I just…_ " Elliot couldn't even form words, so he leaned his head to the side and planted a kiss in her hair.

Olivia pushed herself up and stared at him.

" _I'm w-worried-_ " she covered her mouth as she hickuped again, " _Worried that my body w-won't react to you like I want it to…_ " Olivia explained. " _After he…. after, I b-bought new ones… new v-vibrators but…_ " She shook her head and looked down. " _I… I think they m-might be a trigger… or the sound of the… the… you know, the bbbzzzzzzzzzz…_." She imitated with her mouth, trying to make a vibrating sound.

All Elliot could do was laugh at her.

" _Yeah… yeah babe, I know what you're talking about…_." He said. " _And that's okay… we'll learn together. It's just like having sex for the first time._ " Elliot tried to explain. " _You gotta experiment and figure out what your body likes and what it doesn't… and that's okay._ " He soothed her, rubbing her back again.

She shook her head. " _I u-use to know…_ " She whispered, looking down.

Her body hadn't changed this drastically after Sealview. Sure, she couldn't go down on guys for a while and certain sounds bothered her but for the most part, she was okay with being touched. Right after, she'd needed the lights on so she could see who she was with and she took a break from having sex while also drinking or being intoxicated but it was nothing compared to this.

Elliot reached up to tuck a stray piece of her behind her ear, causing her to look at him.

" _Your body went through a trauma…_ " Elliot reminded her. " _You know what we tell our vics… it changes you. It changes your sex drive…_ " He said. " _My sex drive changed after I shot Jenna._ " Elliot disclosed, and her eyes became wider.

" _What?_ " She asked.

He nodded.

" _I didn't have sex for months… couldn't sleep, didn't want Kathy to touch me, I only wanted the pills and to crawl in a hole and die.._ ". Elliot confirmed.

Olivia swallowed hard.

" _I-I was okay when I was w-with David after…_ " She told him silently, thinking back to the one and only time she'd had sex between both Lewis attacks.

" _And it took you months to get there._ " He reminded her. " _Not to mention his body was familiar to yours and you trusted him._ "

Olivia looked taken aback.

" _I t-trust you-u!_ " She told him almost forcefully.

" _I know._ " He promised her, giving her a small smile. " _But it's… different… when it's someone you've already been with._ " He tried to explain to her.

Olivia nodded in agreement. Her head was swimming.

Elliot had so many questions to ask her. He wanted to ask for more info about the attacks… he knew there was more to the second one. He knew Lewis had had her in the car alone for too long without anything happening, but he wasn't sure that there was anything left to tell about the four days she'd spent with him. Elliot also wanted to know what her bad dream was about, what had driven her to the kitchen in search of tea to calm her nerves.

Tonight, Olivia had revealed a lot to him… a lot that hurt his heart and his head, but he wouldn't let her breach any more of her privacy, not tonight, not while she was drunk.

" _So… you ready to go back to bed?_ " He asked gently, rubbing her left arm with his right hand.

Olivia shook her head 'no'.

" _Why not?_ " He asked gingerly.

" _I'ma 'bout to throw up…_ " She said, giving him a sympathetic look.

Elliot nodded, trying not to laugh, and reached over for the trashcan, laying it sideways so that Olivia could reach it. She made it just in time to spill her guts.

He still had a smile on his face though, as he held her hair back.

" _You are gonna have one hell of a morning._ " He told her as she continued to gag and vomit into the trash bag.

He hoped she remembered what they talked about and what he'd said. Most of all, he hoped she would remember telling him that she loved him.


	54. Chapter 54

Her arms were wrapped around his body, they were both on their right sides. Olivia's front was pressed into his back.

Elliot had tried to slip away once, knowing she would be uncomfortable when she awoke, but her grip on him had tightened and she'd mumbled something incoherently that he couldn't make out. He'd eventually decided to just stay there and relax the best he could until she woke up.

He knew the moment it happened.

Elliot could feel her body go rigid against his. The covers were pooled just below their waists and from how his head was angled on the pillow, he could see goosebumps begin to form on her arm.

" _Olivia?_ " He tried lightly, hoping to reach her before she went into full panic, if that was what she was going to do.

She sucked in a breath and swallowed hard, still not moving.

Her head was positioned with her forehead resting against the back of his neck, she'd been curled into the back of his body.

Random memories flooded her mind, accompanied by an instant headache throbbing in her skull.

" _You're okay…._ " He soothed, reaching to cover her left arm with his own, lacing their fingers together as his hand covered hers over his stomach.

" _Did… we didn't…?_ " She'd left the question in the air, not quite sure she should finish it, or if she even could.

" _No._ " He said strongly, rubbing his thumb over hers.

Olivia swallowed hard again and moved her head and torso back a couple of inches to give herself some distance.

" _Elliot…_ " She whispered lightly, although there was a bit of panic in her voice. " _I'm… I don't think I'm wearing anything…_ " Her head was foggy. She shut her eyes briefly to try and ground herself.

Her breasts were still very much pressed into his mid back

It wouldn't have been the first time she'd woken up in bed with a man naked and not remember the entire night before, but it would have been the first time since Lewis ever attacked her, and the first time she'd done so with Elliot.

" _You have on panties._ " He corrected her gently, still caressing her hand. " _I have on boxers._ " He added, just in case she couldn't tell. With the sheets tangled between their legs, plus the comforter on top of them, he wasn't sure if she could tell what was what.

" _Why?_ " Olivia asked, sounding calmer than she had minutes ago.

Elliot cleared his voice before he spoke.

" _You mumbled something about being hot during the night and threw your shirt across the room,._ " Elliot explained.

Olivia began to turn her head to the side, intending to look for her discarded shirt, and it was then that she noticed that her hair was in a messy pony tail.

She took a deep breath and turned back towards Elliot, resuming her previous position of her forehead pressed into his back.

" _I… I'd never take advantage of you while you were drunk._ " Elliot spoke again as he stopped the movement of his thumb and squeezed her hand with his. " _You gotta know that, Liv…_ _you got to._ " He whispered, desperate for her to speak again, to say anything that would indicate to the thoughts running through her mind.

Olivia didn't speak, but he did feel her lips plant a kiss on his skin.

He released a breath that he didn't know he'd been holding. She wasn't freaking out as badly as he'd anticipated, she hadn't had a panic attack, flashback, or gotten up and fled.

" _I trusted you with my life for twelve years…_ " She whispered to him. " _And I still do._ " Olivia confirmed for him, tightening her arms around his midsection.

Elliot relaxed more into his pillow and into her hold now that he knew she was consenting to her state of dress, how they were laying, and how she was touching him.

She'd thrown up a significant amount before going to bed, and true to moonshine's reputation, the full extent of her drunkenness, didn't hit until about twenty minutes after she'd quit drinking it.

Being the good man that he was, Elliot had held her hair for her as she threw up all the contents in her stomach and then dry heaved several times. Eventually, he'd put her hair up in a pony tail the best that he could and one he was sure she was done vomiting, he'd helped her to bed.

After putting up the moonshine and taking out the trash, he put in a new garbage bag and placed it beside her side of the bed, accompanying it with some blue Gatorade that he liked to keep in the fridge and some Advil on her night stand.

He'd become worried during the early hours of the morning when she'd removed her shirt and gone back to bed. In fact, he barely got any sleep because he was terrified she'd wake up panicking or having a flashback. Ever small sound he heard, his eyes popped open, wondering if it was her waking up.

" _You okay?_ " Elliot asked gently, he'd started to rub the back of her hand with his fingers.

" _I think I should be asking you that…_ " She replied lightly.

Olivia moved her hand out of his grip and snaked it up his chest, running her fingers through his chest hair.

A low hum came from his throat.

She wasn't a stupid woman. Olivia was practically naked, pressed up against his back with her nipples pushing into him. She knew he had to be turned on and there was no time like the present to conquer another obstacle.

Her fingers slowly trailed their way down his chest and stomach, stopping to play at the waste band of his boxers.

" _Liv…_ " He growled.

She was feeling bold, there was no doubt about it.

" _Hmm?_ " Olivia questioned lightly as her fingers drifted past the top of his boxers and over his clothed erection, pushing the covers back with her wrist in the process.

If he hadn't been hard when he'd woken up, he was now.

She'd felt him before, but this time was different. This time, she was behind him. He couldn't see her, couldn't analyze her facial expressions or try and assess what she was feeling or doing.

Olivia began to gently rub him through his boxers, but his hand quickly grasped her wrist, halting her hand's swift movements.

She had to stop herself from huffing. Olivia removed her hand from his grasp and used both hands to prop herself up on the mattress to lean over and make eye contact with him.

Elliot's eyes were clear and blue as he leaned his head back to meet her glance.

Olivia placed her left hand on his arm, briefly studying his tattoo of a crucified Jesus. She could probably lay in bed all day tracing it with her fingers and she'd be perfectly happy. She'd never been religious, but he was and his dedication to something so sacred to him was incredibly sexy.

" _I'm okay._ " She said, tilting her head slightly to the right. " _I'd like to do this if you'll let me?_ "

His eyes dipped to the tops of her breasts. She hadn't leaned up far enough to reveal her nipples, but a good bit of her chest was on display for him and for a moment, he couldn't tear his eyes away.

She swallowed and glanced down at her chest, before returning her stare to him.

" _You're just staring at my breasts, right? Not my scars…_ " Olivia asked hesitantly.

He looked up at her, making eye contact. Elliot rubbed his lips together before he spoke.

" _I was looking at both._ " He confessed.

Olivia nodded. She was glad he hadn't tried to tell her a lie to make her feel better about herself. She valued trust and honestly over nearly everything else.

" _And what are you thinking?_ " She asked lightly, almost fearing the answer. Olivia was worried he'd bring up Lewis and it'd ruin their mood, but if that's what he wanted to do, then it was okay.

Their relationship was a slow process, both of them knew this. There'd be good days and bad days. Days where they'd expect to be intimate but wouldn't be able to and days where they'd think intimacy was out the window and it'd end up being game. This happened with all couples, not just with Olivia and Elliot.

" _That I want to kiss every single scar on your chest… but I don't know if it'd hurt you or make you feel better._ " He whispered to her, looking sincere. Elliot shook his head lightly. " _I don't want to hurt you, Olivia._ "

There was fear and worry etched into his face, as if he wasn't sure how she'd take his words.

She looked down and removed her hand from his harm briefly to tuck a loose strand behind her ear that had somehow escaped her pony tail.

" _You hurt me the most when you left me._ " Olivia explained, looking back up at him. She gripped his arm and used her thumb to rub at the middle of his tattoo, right over Jesus' chest, while her right arm still propped him up. " _As long as you never, ever do that again, I'll be okay._ "

" _Never._ " Elliot replied in a strong voice. " _I was fucked up in several ways, it all hit me before I knew it but I'll… never again will I leave you like that… I'll never leave you period. I promise._ " Elliot told her, slightly craning his neck to keep eye contact. He'd have rolled over on his back to focus on her better, but she was still using his body to shield some of her chest from his view and he didn't want to take that away from her.

Olivia's face changed into a stern look.

" _Don't make promises you can't keep._ " She replied, and reached down, grabbing the sheet to pull over her chest, backing up so he could finally turn over and lay on his back.

Elliot shook his head.

" _I'm not._ " He promised her.

Olivia had removed her hand from his arm in order to fetch the sheet and now she used it as a shield, holding it tightly to her chest, higher than she needed to.

She shook her head in denial and looked down.

" _I'm sure you promised Kathy the same thing._ " She shot back. Olivia hadn't meant it as an insult. She was just making a point. She needed him to see where she stood and where she was coming from. It wasn't that she didn't trust him, as she said earlier, she trusted him with her life, but she also needed Elliot to see the situation from her point of view.

" _I did._ " He confirmed. " _And I haven't broken that promise… if something ever happens to her or one of the kids… I'd be there. If she needed help, if she became mentally unstable or something tragic happened, I'd still be there for her unless she doesn't need me._ " Elliot confessed with a shrug. " _If her and this new guy works out, then she probably won't need me, but god forbid, if something happens and she does, I'll be there._ "

Olivia nodded silently in understanding.

" _I'm sorry._ " He whispered.

" _Don't do that._ " She said with a small smile. " _You're a good man, don't apologize._ " Olivia loved how he would be there for his kids no matter what. He was the kind of father she'd always wanted. And even if she maybe wasn't supposed to, she loved the way he was with Kathy. They were civil, they took care of their children and put them first, while still being able to lean on one another when it was needed without any romantic feelings causing problems or getting in the way.

" _And…_ " Olivia began. " _His name is Ben. And you know good and well he's not new anymore._ "

Elliot rolled his eyes and shot her a smile back. He was both glad and relieved that the thickness and emotion of the conversation had passed.

He decided to put his knees down and stretch his legs out, wincing when one of them popped.

Olivia snorted, still clutching the sheet to her chest.

" _Old man…_ " She commented with a smirk.

Elliot rolled his eyes at her.

" _You're dating this old man._ "

Olivia nodded and continued to smile. He was her old man and she wouldn't have it any other way. Elliot was still a huge part in her recovery and she knew it'd probably remain that way for a very long time if not forever, even though she'd never liked to lean on anyone before. Now, she didn't have much of a choice. She'd been broken in the worst way possible, but she was slowly making a recovery.

She swallowed and took a small deep breath before situating herself on his lap, straddling him.

Olivia made sure to grab she sheet with her hands as she wrapped her arms around his neck, enclosing them both in the sheet and pushing her chest against his on purpose to make herself feel less exposed.

Her nipples were hard, there was no denying that.

Elliot gave her a small smile as he let his hands rest on her hips.

" _Liv,_ " He began. " _I need to know what you remember from last night._ "

They'd done a lot of talking last night, well, she had anyways, and he needed to know what she remembered about it, if she remembered telling him some things that Lewis had done and if she remembered the 'I love you' that they'd both said.

She gazed around the room and bit her lip.

" _I remember some things… bits and pieces._ " Olivia told him, looking at him in curiosity and slightly wondering if more might have happened than she remembered.

Elliot nodded.

" _Care to tell me which bits and pieces?_ " He asked lightly.

Olivia's smile faded as she looked down. She felt his hands rub up and down her back in encouragement.

By now, her headache was miraculously gone but it was slowly starting to come back at the thought of last night's events.

" _I told you some things that Lewis did to me._ " She whispered, looking back up at him.

For a moment, Elliot stared at her. He was trying to read her.

" _Do you regret it?_ "

" _No._ "

She answered just as quickly as he'd asked.

Elliot continued to study her face, trying to find any cracks in her mask but there were none.

" _I'm glad you know that much… I have to admit it was easier to get it out while I was intoxicated… a lot easier…_ " She confessed. Even though she felt guilty about it, she was glad it happened. It'd been weighing on her mind ever since she'd gone to visit her mother's grave.

She'd gone back and forth in her head, plotting and planning the conversation but every time she thought about how she'd tell him those details, she felt like vomiting. Which was almost funny now because last night she did vomit, but for a different reason.

When Olivia had said she was happy she'd told him that much, Elliot's ears perked up. He realized there were probably many more horrors that his girlfriend had endured while in the captivity of that sick bastard.

" _I don't want to discuss any of that now._ " She told him as she rubbed the back of his neck with her hands.

He gave her a small smile.

" _Alight, we don't have to… I was just worried that… I didn't want you to regret anything you said._ " Elliot explained, looking at her intently, then glancing down at her breasts. " _You're being… very open… this morning. I needed to make sure you weren't trying to make up for something or… you know._ "

She nodded.

" _I can't tell you why I'm like this today._ " Olivia said, giving him a small shrug. " _All I know is that I have a tiny hangover-_ "

" _Curtesy of throwing up all my moonshine that you drank…_ " He interrupted her with a smile. The more you throw up, the smaller the hangover, otherwise you have a shit ton of alcohol marinating in your body all night.

She playfully rolled her eyes and rocked her hips slightly, causing Elliot to hiss as his face contorted momentarily.

" _Easy, woman._ " He whispered.

" _All I can tell you is that today is one of my good days… there are no feelings of depression, no mood swings, just…._ " Olivia took a deep breath and smiled. " _Me in bed with my boyfriend._ "

Elliot gave her a big smile. One that reached his eyes and showed his teeth. Hearing her call him her boyfriend warmed his heart. He desperately prayed to God that one day he'd be able to hear her call him her fiancé and husband.

" _You still need to take your meds though._ " He replied, still smiling.

She nodded.

" _I know how anti-depressants work, El._ " And so did he.

Elliot nodded, and he was all the sudden a bit nervous. A half-naked Olivia Benson was sitting on his lap. He was fully hard by now and there was no hiding it. He knew she could feel him.

He swallowed hard and leaned up to kiss her. Olivia's lips were plump, and he was very happy that she'd made him help her to the bathroom to rinse her mouth with mouth wash before crashing. She'd claimed she could still taste and smell vomit and it was making her dry heave.

" _What did you have in mind?_ " Elliot asked lightly, running his hands up her sides and grazing the sides of her breasts with his thumbs.

He'd learned already that she got frustrated if he asked too many times if she was okay with what he was doing. At first, he'd ask her every time they cuddled on the couch if it was okay how he laid or how he touched her.

Eventually, she told him to stop, that she wasn't a china doll that could be broken and if she didn't like what he did, she'd tell him.

Elliot had told her he understood but he also knew that for certain things, when they were starting to get more into intimacy, he'd ask if she was okay with certain things whether she liked it or not.

As he kept moving his thumbs, she shivered, causing him to stop immediately.

" _No, it was good._ " She replied quickly as his hands fell from her sides.

Elliot gave her a small smile, acknowledging what she'd said but only placing his hands at her hips.

" _I'm going to drop the sheet._ " She announced simply.

He nodded.

" _If that's what you wanna do, go ahead._ " Elliot told her. " _But,_ " he began, " _I will stare at your chest because I'm so fucking attracted to you and my mouth is going to water…_ "

She swallowed hard and stared at him, letting her eyes bore into his. She could almost see into his soul. Her expression was blank as she lifted her arms away from his neck, letting the sheet pool around their waists.

His eyes left her and went to her chest, now being able to see all the scars her chest had to offer, including the bite shaped marks close to her nipples. He'd already gotten use to the one bite mark on her shoulder that had been gradually fading but there were also some scars from bites on her stomach that were too close to her abdomen for his liking.

It made him sick and he had to shake the thoughts from his head before his mind began to wander into thought that consisted of wondering where else Lewis had had his mouth.

Elliot ran his hands up and down her sides again as he stared at her breasts, except this time, instead of his thumbs grazing the sides of her breasts, they reached for her nipples.

He looked up as his finger made contact, just in time to see her eyes close and her mouth open.

" _Does this feel good?_ " He whispered.

" _Yes…_ " She replied easily.

Then opened her eyes as her back arched and she pushed her chest towards his mouth.

" _You said you wanted to do something earlier…_ " Olivia said.

It was her way of giving him permission to touch her scars and kiss them if that's really what he'd wanted to do. She wasn't sure if it'd be good or bad but she trusted him and she'd tell him to stop if it got to be too much.

" _Yeah?_ " He asked in question. Elliot's eyes lit up like a kid in a candy store.

" _Yeah._ " She confirmed, biting down on her bottom lip as she moved her hips forward slightly.

The green light was all he needed.

At first, Elliot didn't go for the scars. He went for her right nipple, careful to be gentle and use absolutely no teeth. It didn't take his detective skills to figure out that Lewis had done this to her, and probably bitten down extremely too hard. The bite scars beside the nipple told him as much.

He used his right hand to massage her other breast.

Elliot heard her suck in a breath.

This was the part that he hated. He couldn't tell if her sounds were in pleasure or pain. He wasn't sure if he should stop or keep going, but when he slowed down his movements, she seemed to understand his problem.

" _It's good, El._ " Olivia told him in a breathy whisper. " _It's really good._ "

Elliot relaxed more and continued his work on her chest.

When he finally did more onto the scars, he was delicate as hell and he'd planned to stay quiet as he serviced her, but they soon learned that wasn't possible for him. At least not in this moment.

He planted two kisses on the largest burn scar before tracing it with his tongue.

" _You're so fucking beautiful, Liv…_ " He whispered before moving onto the next one. " _You're… you're everything I've ever dreamed of…._ " Elliot said as he continued his journey around her chest, destined to kiss ever burn mark she had on and around her breasts. " _These don't define you, babe…_ " He said. And when he finished, he couldn't help but begin to kiss them all over again. " _You're the strongest woman I know._ " Elliot whispered.

He stopped when he heard a sniffle and realized she was crying.

For a brief moment, he was worried he'd triggered her or hurt her.

" _Liv?_ " He questioned quickly, needed to assess the situation and the possible damage that he'd caused.

" _I'm fine._ " She said, leaning back and grabbing the sheet to wipe her face off, but also inadvertently covering herself.

" _Tell me what happened, where I went wrong…_ " He asked lightly, his face pleading, begging for her to talk with him and tell him what had just happened.

" _No._ " Olivia said as she sniffed again. " _You didn't do a damn thing wrong. You're fucking perfect._ " She said as she laughed though a fresh round of tears. " _You really don't mind me looking like this or being like this do you?_ " She questioned, just like she had many times before. This would take some getting used to.

Elliot shook his head.

" _You could be covered from head to toe in scars and I'd want you all the same._ " He promised.

She sniffed again and maneuvered herself off his lap, laying beside him.

" _C'mere._ " Olivia gestured towards him, calling him over and lifting the sheet so he could be close with her. " _C'mere._ " She said again as she guided his head to her breasts as she laid on her right side towards him. He used her chest as a pillow, making sure to lean down and kiss her skin every now and then.

Elliot seemed to understand her silent message. This was as much intimacy as she could stand right now. She didn't want to progress any further this morning and that was fine with him.

The amount of progress that she'd made thus far was exceptionally astonishing. He was beyond proud of her, of how brave she was being in her quest to conquer her inner and outer demons.

" _You make me feel… pretty. And cared about._ " She confessed silently, breaking him out of his thought.

" _Good._ " He replied. " _That's one of my goals._ " He said as he snuggled deeper into the cleavage of her chest.

She cocked an eyebrow and looked down at him as she stroked his head.

" _What are your other goals?_ " She asked.

He grinned, looking up at her now.

" _I don't think you're quite ready to hear those yet, Sergeant…._ " He responded.

 **Reviewwww**


	55. Chapter 55

**Your reviews are lovely.**

" _Sorry…_ " he muttered as he looked back towards the beach house and brought one of his hands out of the water to scratch the back of his head.

She smiled, looking down as her hair fell in her face. Olivia briefly wished she'd put her hair up before they entered the water for the morning swim that they'd decided to take.

" _It's alright._ " Olivia promised. She secretly liked him checking her out, it made her feel good about herself because she knew he wasn't just gawking at her scars, he was genuinely attracted to her.

He'd been caught staring at her chest again.

The swell of her breasts were very visible. She'd surprised them both by putting on her swim shorts and a bikini top.

They'd cuddled for another thirty minutes in bed with Elliot's head on her chest before she'd decided they were getting up. Her headache was steadily going away, and she wanted to be in the ocean today. Their morning had started off so good, well, minus her partial hangover.

After putting on his t-shirt, which was something she'd always wanted to do, she'd gone to the kitchen and had a glass of chocolate milk. Elliot had made sure the house was stocked with the supplies after he'd learned of her new eating habits since he'd been back in her life.

" _I don't need this…_ " She'd said to him as she gulped it down. " _I'm pretty sure it just goes straight to my ass…_ "

He stared at her from across the kitchen, then casually glanced down at her ass.

" _God, I hope so…_ " He replied with a small grin.

Elliot had made it no secret that he loved her ass.

She rolled her eyes in return as she held the glass higher to drink the last bit while Elliot helped himself to a banana.

When Olivia glanced at the clock, she saw that it was just nine-thirty, which surprised her since she'd been up during the night but for some reason, she wasn't as tired as she should be. It was probably her anti-depressants. At times, they could give her a boost of energy out of the blue.

" _Morning swim?_ " She asked him as she set her cup in the sink, not caring to clean it right now.

" _Sure._ " He said as he threw the banana peel in the garbage.

After they'd changed into swim wear, they'd headed to the beach and she'd surprised him with her choice clothes. Elliot hadn't been able to tell what she was wearing until she took the cover up shirt off. He'd just assumed she'd had on the one-piece suit with her swim shorts like she had the other day.

If anything, he was both surprised and happy when she shed the shirt and headed for the water ahead of him. Olivia showing off more of her body meant that she was becoming more confident and that she really was in a good mood today, which was a surprise in itself.

Her swim shorts stayed on and she quickly made her way into the water, allowing it to cover the bottom of her breasts, as if she was trying to hide herself away until she was comfortable after taking a few deep breaths and reminding herself that it was just Elliot she was with, and that he liked her body just the way it was.

This was the best part about having a private beach to yourself, not having to worry about other people intruding or being around.

Elliot took his shirt off and placed it with their towels and her discarded shirt before he headed in after her.

He couldn't help but stare. She was beautiful.

" _I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable._ " Elliot explained after he apologized for staring at her chest.

Olivia just shrugged it off and looked around. The sun had risen, and the temperature was practically perfect. The water was warm but not too warm. It was also partially clear, but foggy enough that she could hide herself away under the water if she wanted to.

" _I was topless with you nearly thirty minutes ago._ " She pointed out. " _I'm fine._ " She promised, even though her face may her showed her nervousness.

She tried not to let it bother her that her thighs jiggled when she wore shorts or that her breasts hung lower than she'd like. She used to be real confident but ever since Sealview, her confidence had been slowly going downhill. Then when Lewis happened, it was like her confidence basically evaporated but it was something that she'd been working on in therapy amongst other things.

They made their way past the small waves that were crashing towards the beach and ventured farther out to where the water was up to their shoulders and slightly cooler.

Elliot gave her a look, trying his best to believe her words but he knew what 'I'm fine' meant when it came from Olivia Benson's mouth.

" _I used to be self-conscious about this scar._ " She said off handedly, rubbing at the scar on the left side of her neck where Gitano had come within two centimeters of ending her life. " _But now it's nothing compared to everything else…_ " Olivia said with a shrug.

" _Yeah…_ " Elliot replied. " _That was a shitty case._ " He said, exhaling and briefly remembering how a child had died because he'd ran to save his partner instead.

" _Yeah…_ " She said in agreement, nearly mimicking him but not on purpose. " _You were an asshole._ "

He'd looked down in the water because he'd found a broken shell with his toes and had began playing with it using his feet, but her statement made him look up quickly. Once he saw she had a smile on her face, he relaxed more and smiled back.

" _I was the asshole?_ " He stated in question, cocking an eyebrow as his arms continued to move around in the water as if he were swimming even though he was firmly planted on the ground. " _I seem to recall being yelled at by my partner…_ "

Olivia laughed. She was using her arms as well to wade around in the water.

" _You yelled at me first._ " She said.

He fake scoffed.

" _You called me a son-of-a-bitch in front of the whole squad room._ "

It was weird that they could both remember the fight almost word-for-word even though it took place years ago. They were both equally happy that it was something they could joke about now.

" _You told me I didn't know how to do my job and you knew damn well I was a better detective than you._ " Olivia replied, biting her lip as she smiled. The tips of her hair were wet now, and she hadn't even thought about wearing make-up lately aside from the date they'd had the other night.

" _Oh, is that so?_ " Elliot asked, raising both eyebrows in question and readying his hands.

" _Don't you dare!_ "

The words had barely left her mouth before she had to close her eyes and put up her own hands in defense as ocean water flew threw the air in her direction.

Olivia began to laugh and immediately splashed him back, forcefully throwing water in his general direction while keeping her eyes closed to protect them from the salt.

Their water fight lasted a couple of minutes and when they were done, her hair was almost fully soaked.

She made her way over to him with a smile on her face. He was given a kiss on the lips as her arms snaked their way behind his neck. His hands automatically went to her hip and lower back.

" _I live for moments like this._ " He whispered, as he looked into her eyes.

" _Moments like what?_ " She asked, pretty sure she knew what he meant but needed to hear him verbalize it for her own sake.

Elliot shrugged gently.

" _This._ " He said, then glanced around at their surroundings. " _You and me, shooting the breeze without a care in the world. Not having to worry about our jobs, perps, being on call, you know. Just… I like being with you, Liv._ " Elliot told her honestly.

His honesty earned him a longer, deeper kiss from her.

Elliot massaged her skin with his hands as she pressed herself against him, running a hand through his short hair.

He slipped both hands underneath her swim shorts and bikini bottoms, knowing she'd stop him if his touch was unwelcomed.

Olivia briefly pulled back and looked at him.

" _Don't stop me this time, okay?_ " She said, but didn't give him time to answer before her hands were in the front of his swim trunks.

Elliot was already semi hard, and he took a deep breath as she wrapped her left hand around his shaft, and dipped down slightly to use her right hand to push his trunks to the junction of his knees. She couldn't get them there without having to dunk herself underwater, so she used her foot to maneuver the shorts down the rest of the way.

" _You don't have to._ " He whispered with his eyes closed, willing to let her do this but needed her to know it was necessary.

" _I want to._ " She replied.

There was something about the water that made her feel safer. She'd never had him in her hand before without any barriers but in a way, the water was one.

Olivia used her left hand to begin stroking him as her right hand felt around his balls. She felt short, small curls of hair and bit her lip as she smiled, trying not to think too hard about what she was doing and who she was doing it to.

" _Mmmm…_ " Elliot moaned as her right hand caressed his balls and gently massaged around his skin while her left hand kept up a slow but steady pace.

His hands kneaded her ass and it took everything in him not to pull her flush against him from the need and urge to have her belly, her skin, pressed against his erection.

Her thumb rubbed over his tip once, then twice, and on the third time, she applied more pressure, causing him to take a deep breath.

" _Fuck…_ " He whispered and opened his eyes to look at her.

Elliot stared at her breasts, remembering what they'd tasted like that morning, how soft she'd been and warm. He licked his lips without even realizing it, then trained his eyes on her face.

She could only stand his stare for so long before she was leaning forward and kissing him, using it as a diversion to get his eyes off of her face. She didn't like being watched, she'd known he was looking for any reactions, feelings, or emotions that she might be having.

After ending their kiss, she switched hands, now stroking him with her right hand and adding more speed. Olivia also began kissing his neck, another way for her to keep him from staring at her face.

She wasn't sure if he'd clued in on the fact that she wasn't comfortable with his gaze or if he'd just given in to her touch, but he relaxed into her. Elliot's hands left her back side. His left arm looped around her waist while his right arm re-situated around her shoulder, holding onto her tightly.

Elliot began to rock into her hands as she sucked on his neck.

" _Oliviaa…_ " He basically moaned as he rested his forehead on her right shoulder and his hips sped up, causing her to move her hand faster. There was a tingling sensation in her belly, as there had been a few times now when she and Elliot got close or did things together. It was a sign that her body was craving, not just sex, but him.

She could tell he was close, which didn't surprise her. Especially since he'd been deprived of sex for so long and she was almost certain he either didn't get off that often or he hid it from her well.

The waves were still crashing on the shore and the breeze was quickly drying her wet hair. Olivia had never had sex in the ocean before, or even on a beach, but when she finally worked up to being sexually active again, those were definitely on her to-do list.

" _L-Liv…_ " Elliot said in a waring as his arms tightening around her body and his breath began to come out in pants, preparing for his climax.

" _I know, baby._ " She whispered, turning her head slightly to her right so she could lick his ear lobe, and then took it into her mouth and gently sucked.

" _Fuck._ " He panted out, it sounded almost like a whine.

" _Cum for me, El._ " She whispered seductively as her right hand sped up to nearly as fast as she could go. Her left hand was using her fingernails to lightly run over his balls.

Within seconds, Elliot Stabler was falling apart in her hands.

" _Oh, God!_ " He gasped as his hips jerked almost violently forward and he pressed his face into her shoulder while tightly gripping her body with both hands. " _Sh-shit, Olivia! Uhh… uhhhh._ " He moaned as semen shot from the tip of his dick and into the ocean water between them.

His whole body nearly shook as his orgasm overtook him. And if she was being honest with herself, she'd never felt more confident in her ability to give hand jobs than she was in this very moment.

Elliot took a deep, ragged breath as he loosened his grip on her, letting his right hand retract from being wrapped around her shoulders to dipping under her arm and running his hand gently down her back.

Olivia released his penis, which was now going limp, and wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

" _You okay?_ " She whispered as she stared at the sky, holding him close.

" _I've never been more okay in my life._ " He responded as he removed his head from her shoulder and backed up, causing her arms to retract. Elliot dipped low in the water to grab his swim trunks and pull them up.

He then wrapped one arm around her waist, hoisting her up and into his side, causing her to gasp and give him a surprised look.

She allowed her legs to dangle in the water as he toted her several feet to their left, trying to get her away from his fluids. Her body was much lighter because of the water around them, so she allowed him to hold her to his chest without her feet touching the ground.

" _I know you don't like hearing it, but you're fucking perfect._ " Elliot said as he wrapped his second arm around her waist and held her close.

Olivia laughed.

" _You're only saying that because I just got you off…_ " She whispered playfully.

Elliot smiled and then looked down.

" _I've wondered for years what your touch would feel like…_ " He confessed, and she shook her head lightly while keeping a small smile on his face. He shouldn't have been thinking of her like that while he was married.

He finally lowered her body until her feet touched the ground and she could stand on her own.

" _You want me to…?_ " Elliot slowly questioned her as he rubbed her sides with his hands. It took her a moment to understand what he was getting at, and when she did, her entire body went rigid.

He was asking her if she wanted him, needed him, to try and get her off.

Elliot dropped his hands immediately when he felt the stiffness of her body.

" _N-no._ " She stuttered. " _I um… no… that's not…_ " Olivia all the sudden had trouble forming a sentence. Her brain had immediately become scrambled with panic and she worked in a frenzy to iron out her thoughts.

He put his hands up and out of the water, as if he were surrendering. Then took a step back, putting some space between them.

" _Alright, okay._ " He cooed gently.

Oliva huffed and shook her head. She hadn't meant to freak out on him or clam up. It wasn't her choice how her body reacted or how her brain processed information.

" _No… that's not…_ " She tried again. When she failed, she stepped towards him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, resting her cheek on his right shoulder. " _Come on, put your arms around me._ " She commanded lightly, giving him the permission that she knew he needed. She could read him fairly well right now and he most likely had worried that he'd triggered her or sent her into a panic.

When he finally relented and loosely wrapped his arms around her waist, she leaned up and kissed him on the cheek before looking into his eyes.

" _I still have a lot of shit to work through._ " She told him calmly.

He nodded in understanding.

She swallowed hard.

" _I love what I just did for you, I enjoyed it. Seeing you… in that state… I can't tell you what it did to me, for me…_ " Olivia tried to explain after she leaned up and started to massage the back of his neck with her hands.

Elliot let out a small laugh and glanced away out of shyness.

" _You can still touch my ass pretty much anytime you want._ " She said, drawing his eyes and attention back to her. " _My chest… well, we're working on that._ " Olivia told him. " _But this morning was good, yeah?_ " She questioned hesitantly.

" _This morning was the best._ " He answered seriously, his blue eyes boring into hers. " _You've made a massive amount of progress. We both have._ " Elliot stated, rubbing her lower back gently.

She nodded and gave him a small smile.

" _My ass is yours…_ " Olivia repeated, and he let out another small laugh. " _My chest… at times…_ " She said. " _But… I'm no where near ready for any intimacy… down there…_ " She whispered out the last bit.

Elliot leaned forward, placing his forehead against hers as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. She took this time to keep her eyes open and study his face, his nose, and lips.

" _I wasn't trying to rush you… I just… I want you to know that when you need me to, want me to reciprocate, I will…_ " He tried to explain. " _I feel a little guilty that I'm getting all this pleasure and you're not…_ " Elliot told her.

" _Watching you come apart at the seams is… enough pleasure for now…_ " She whispered, now closing her eyes as well. " _Don't ask about reciprocating._ " Olivia told him. " _If I want or need something, I'll let you know._ "

She wasn't saying it to be rude or bossy, Olivia just wanted to avoid another mini panic session like she'd just had. The thought of Elliot touching her, much less fucking her, filled her with instant nervousness and anxiety.

She still had a lot of progress to make and many hurdles to jump before she'd be able to be that intimate with him no matter how much she wanted it to happen. It was part of the healing process and if she tried to rush it, she'd fuck herself up, back track some of her progress, then it'd take even longer for her to reach that goal.

" _Yes ma'am._ " He replied, pulling back and placing a kiss on her forehead.

Her head drifted to his shoulder again as they stayed in each other's arms for a bit longer. Elliot was basking in the relaxation his body felt post orgasm and Olivia was just enjoying being in his arms.

" _What do you want for lunch?_ " He asked her, thinking it had to be getting close to eleven o'clock by now.

Olivia pulled back but kept her arms around his neck.

" _I don't know._ " She replied.

" _I wanna take you on another date._ " He confessed, hoping she'd let him. Elliot searched her face, looking for her answer when she was quiet for too long.

" _Soon._ " She promised him, finally putting him out of his misery. Then she leaned in, giving him a kiss.

Olivia was getting much better with touching, hugging, and kissing. She was already longing for his kisses and it almost scared her. She worried what she'd be like if they had to go several days without seeing each other. She'd become more dependent on him than she ever wanted to be with anyone.

Surely, she couldn't spend every single day with him forever. There was bound to be times they were separated, times where he'd take Eli camping or maybe Elliot would have an overnight job since he was now a private investigator, even if he wasn't technically working right now.

Olivia had started to cherish every moment that she shared with her former partner, moments like these where they were wrapped in each other's arms, but she was brought out of her thoughts by a voice from the beach yelling over the waves.

" _Dad!_ " They both heard from the shore, causing Olivia to gasp and jump behind Elliot. Not out of fear or the need for protection but out of the instant want to hide her body.

It'd taken her half a second to realize Elliot's four oldest children were standing on the beach staring at them. Olivia had been so caught off guard that she wasn't sure which female had called out to get Elliot's attention.

What she did hear however, was the sentence that came out of Dickie's mouth.

" _Told you he was fucking her. You owe me forty bucks._ " He directed at his twin.

 **Reviewwww please.**


	56. Chapter 56

Olivia busied herself in the kitchen making sandwiches for everyone while Elliot talked with his kids outside. If she had to guess, he was probably questioning them as to why they were there and then giving Dickie a lecture about his comment from earlier. She wasn't really offended. Olivia would have much preferred to be fucking Elliot than being as fucked up physically and mentally as she was right now.

She'd made a b-line for the beach house after quickly wrapping herself in her beach towel, and had changed into shorts and a t-shirt.

The kids, who were not really kids anymore but more so full-grown adults, had gotten an eye full of the scars on her chest. Olivia tried not to feel violated, but she hadn't consented to sharing the marks with them. Never the less, it wasn't something she was going to hold against them.

She bit her lip as she tried not to let her thoughts get the best of her while she cut up the ham and turkey sandwiches.

The door opened and in came Kathleen, the first child to be dismissed from the discussion going on outside. Maureen had probably been relieved as well but stayed behind to hear what was being said to her brother and sister. The oldest Stabler had always seemed like a protector of her siblings and she no doubt knew the hell that her father had experienced after Jenna.

" _I wasn't sure if you guys liked ham or turkey, so I made both…_ " Olivia said with a small shrug as she gestured to the plate of sandwiches on the counter.

" _That's good._ " Kathleen replied. " _Maureen likes turkey, Liz likes ham, and Richard will basically eat anything…_ " She said.

Olivia could tell the girl was hesitant.

Kathleen bit her lip, she seemed to have a something on her mind.

" _Kathleen?_ " Olivia questioned in her soft, mothering tone.

" _You… you said the scar cream was helping… the one my mom gave you… but it doesn't look like it…_ " She said cautiously, knowing she could say whatever was on her mind, but not sure if she should.

Olivia's face fell slightly, and she opened her mouth to respond but before she could, the door opened once more and in came the rest of the Stabler clan.

Elliot looked annoyed, Dicky looked intrigued at the food, Elizabeth's face was blank, and Maureen mostly looked like a tired, overbearing parent.

" _I wasn't sure what everyone wanted so I made a variety and laid out dressings…_ " Olivia said as she carried the platter of sandwiches to the table to join the lettuce, tomato, mustard, mayo, and cheese that she'd put out.

" _Thanks._ " Elliot replied, shooting her a smile.

She smiled back but held his gaze, trying to get a read on him and the situation but she couldn't pick anything up, and she couldn't tell if it was because she was getting rusty or because there was nothing to pick up on.

This was hard for her. She wasn't prepared for visitors, especially not for Elliot's kids. And Olivia had only recently given Elliot the green light for dating, although they had probably assumed as much. She was sure he would've filled them in on that bit of information outside during the discussion and save her the stress of witnessing any eye-rolling or disagreement.

Maureen remained quiet throughout the entire lunch. Kathleen had apparently decided to fill the silence in by talking about the paper she wrote for and her boyfriend. Lizzie would chip in every now and then, and Dickie didn't have anything to say because he was stuffing his face. Clearly his teenage boyhood appetite had stayed with him into adulthood.

Olivia mentioned that she'd read the papers Kathleen had sent to her that contained the younger woman's writings and apologized for not saying so sooner, explaining that she'd read them just before the incident she was involved in, and it'd slipped her mind to reach out afterwards.

When everyone was done, Olivia cleaned up the table. Elliot tried to make his kids help, and Kathleen did, but Olivia waved him off, clearly picking up on the fact that awkwardness was in the air and cleaning the dishes up gave her something to do.

Dickie and Liz settled on the couch, turning on Netflix to find a movie while fidgeting on their phones, and Maureen went outside to take a phone call.

Olivia was at the sink with Kathleen when her eyes connected with Elliot's. He was silently asking if she was okay, if she wanted his kids there, if she wanted to leave, or if she wanted them to leave. He'd never kick them out, but he'd take her somewhere else if she needed it.

There was a fine line between loving your children and loving your girlfriend/spouse, especially when it wasn't their mother.

Sometimes, both fought over the number one position, the top position in the life of the one that they truly loved. Elliot was that person in this situation and he wasn't going to let something like that happen. His kids and Olivia, and even Kathy held the top spot. He'd move heaven and Earth for all of them and he loved all of them very much. There was room in his life for everyone and he'd be damned if they started arguing about it.

Elliot knew his children would resent him for kicking them out, and he'd never have the heart to do so, but he also knew Olivia would understand if he let them stay and offered to take her elsewhere. It was a fine, fine line and a very dangerous line but he'd walk it if it came down to it.

He was relieved when Olivia gave him a small smile, telling him non-verbally that she was okay and that his kids were welcome. He expected nothing less to be honest.

" _I'm gonna go change…_ " Elliot announced as he made his way to the master bedroom. He'd been in his wet swim trunks the whole times because of staying outside to talk to the kids.

Olivia stood at the sink as she washed dishes with Kathleen beside her holding a towel to dry them with. There was a dishwasher inside the beach house, but it was currently full and running so Olivia opted to hand wash the rest of the dishes and Kathleen volunteered to help.

While the twins were engrossed in some movie in the other room, Olivia took this time to talk to Kathleen one-on-one.

" _It works…_ " She said quietly as she focused on the pot she was washing from the previous day. When she saw Kathleen look at her in question via her peripheral vision, she spoke again. " _The cream your mom gave me…_ " Olivia clarified, glancing at the younger woman. " _It works. I just… I don't use it correctly. I'm supposed to use it every day, but I forget. I mean… it's not going to make the scars go away, but it's making them softer, making the skin better and the coloring._ " She explained, trying to answer Kathleen's inquiry. from earlier.

Kathleen swallowed hard.

" _That's… that's good._ " She answered. Then seemingly tried to correct herself. " _I… I mean not that you keep forgetting b-but that it works…_ " She said quickly, stumbling over her own words.

Olivia looked at the younger woman with sympathy.

" _Talk to me._ " The older woman commanded lightly. " _What's going on? You've been jumpy and quiet ever since you guys arrived…_ "

Kathleen shook her head slightly and focused on her duties of drying the pot that Olivia had just handed her.

" _You can talk to me…_ " Olivia reminded her. " _About anything…_ " She said.

Kathleen took a deep breath.

" _The only person I've ever known who was sexually assaulted was my friend from college when you and dad came to investigate… when I was supposed to be her DD and her friend… but I left her at a party to go get a cup of coffee with that guy I liked…_ "

Olivia remembered the case well, she remembered all cases that hit close to home for her or Elliot. This one was particularly hard on Kathleen because she felt she'd been to blame for her friend's assault.

She nodded, listening to Kathleen as she continued washing dishes.

" _I've done a lot of research on sexual assault and rape… not just because of dad and his job but because you were just assaulted… I've tried to learn what to do and what not to do ever since my friend was assaulted…_ "

Olivia shook her head quickly.

" _That girl wasn't your friend…_ " The older woman stated, surprising Kathleen. " _She was a college girl who used you to get what she wanted. Now, that doesn't mean she deserved to be assaulted in any way, but she wasn't your friend. She used you because everyone on campus knew you were sober… knew you didn't drink and couldn't because of your bipolar meds…_ " Olivia said boldly, a pang of anger building inside her for Kathleen and what she'd been through.

Both women remained quiet for several minutes. Olivia continued washing the dishes and Kathleen continued drying them.

" _I think you were raped and my mom tried to hide it from me because you and my dad asked her to…_ " The younger woman stated boldly, clearly hesitant about Olivia's response.

" _For future reference…_ " Olivia began with a small smile. " _Just let the person who's been assaulted know that you're there for them, and that you'll be there whenever they need to talk or if they need anything_ … _and make sure they have the proper resources to get help if they want or need it…_ " She said, looking at Kathleen briefly, then continued washing dishes. " _But to answer your question…. yes…._ " Olivia said in a small voice.

Kathleen swallowed hard again and remained quiet.

" _I'm not going to talk to you about it…_ " She continued, as she busied herself with scrubbing the plate in her hands that didn't really need scrubbing. " _I don't like those thoughts of me in your head, you know that… but I'm not going to lie to you about it either…_ "

It was a big step admitting her assault to Kathleen but Olivia knew healing began when people bear witness to the trauma one's faced, and she also knew it was time for her to start owning up to her own trauma and face it.

Olivia didn't have to look over to know that the younger woman was beginning to tear up.

The older woman huffed, taking in a deep breath before turning and engulfing Elliot's second oldest child into her arms. Kathleen was the second oldest child, and to Olivia, she seemed the most emotional.

Kathleen didn't fight the arms when they wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her in for a hug.

" _A-are you okay?_ " The younger woman whispered into Olivia's ear.

The older woman pulled back slightly with a smile plastered on her face.

" _Yes… Is that why you came here? To see if I was okay?_ " Olivia asked with tender love and care in her voice.

Kathleen took a ragged breath inside.

" _Sweetheart…_." Olivia said softly. " _I'm fine._ " She said.

In reality, she wasn't fine. She'd made a lot of progress, but there was still a lot of healing left to do. The brunette was far from being fine, but she was willing to say she was in order to put Kathleen's mind at ease.

" _I came because I wanted to see you… everyone else was curious what Dad was up to and what was going on because he wasn't answering his phone and mom told us he was here… with you…_ "

Olivia nodded slightly and pulled Kathleen in for another hug.

" _I'm not going to talk to you about the assault… because it's not something I talk about with anyone… I can barely discuss it with your dad. But I'm okay. I'm good._ " She said, reassuring her again and pulling away from the younger woman so she could look at her and take in her features, read her face to see what Kathleen was really thinking.

She just looked sad.

" _Everything okay in here?_ " Elliot asked, looking alarmed at Kathleen's tears as he entered the kitchen in his fresh clothing.

" _Yeah… I'm just gonna… lay down and take a nap for a little bit…_ " She said as she wiped her face and headed to one of the guest rooms.

Elliot bit his lip as he watched Kathleen disappear down the hallway and into the nearest guest bedroom. He knew it'd do no good trying to talk to her. Kathleen was hard-headed. If she didn't want to talk about what was going on, then she wouldn't.

" _She's okay…_ " Olivia reinforced as she finished the lash dirty dish and dried it off herself.

Elliot walked over and put her arms around her waist, which she instantly shrugged off.

" _No_." She said lightly, and his arms immediately halted. " _Not with the kids here… I'm not comfortable with that._ " She said.

He respected her wishes and backed off. Truly, he probably should of thought of that himself. Elliot would never want to do anything to make his kids uncomfortable, but he had informed them outside earlier that he and Olivia were now dating.

So, Elliot went into the living room to visit with the kids and see if he could talk to them a bit more.

…

As the sun was setting, Olivia sat on her beach towel alone, gazing out at the ocean.

It was already decided that the kids would stay the night using the guest rooms and drive back tomorrow.

There was a light breeze blowing, whipping Olivia's hair around occasionally.

There'd been a lot to take in from today.

She'd given Elliot an orgasm for the first time, his kids had shown up and it'd been awkward. Olivia needed a breather and some time alone to process everything. She hadn't been prepared for company nor had she been prepared to talk to Kathleen who was, of course, taking her assault rather hard.

Olivia took a big breath of ocean air.

She heard footsteps approaching, her detective senses still ran high sometimes. She knew it wasn't Elliot because the footsteps were too light.

" _Can I sit with you?_ "

Olivia scrunched her eyebrows together in confusion, clearly surprised to see the oldest Stabler child standing beside her. She had honestly expected it to be Kathleen.

" _Sure._ " Olivia said lightly as she made sure there was enough room on the towel for Maureen.

They sat in silence. Both women had their knees drawn up to their chests. The brunette knew they had maybe forty minutes left of daylight, then the temperature would start droping and she'd be forced to retreat inside and change clothes once again.

Maureen clearly had something to say and Olivia was giving the girl time to get it out. She was nervous. Maureen Stabler had always been the most responsible and level-headed one of the whole bunch. If she had something on her mind, it was serious.

Olivia glanced behind her briefly, feeling eyes watching her. She spotted Elliot looking out the kitchen window, searching for any signs that he needed to come save her. While he loved both women with all his heart, he knew his oldest daughter could be blunt with her words. He wanted to make sure she didn't upset Olivia.

" _I'm almost thirty-one…_ " Maureen finally started as she stared out into the ocean. " _I don't have kids of my own, don't really want them, but my siblings are like my kids sometimes._ " She said, turning to look at Olivia. " _I took care of them when Mom got depressed and checked out on us during the first separation, I stepped in when Dad lost his mind after he shot Jenna… Dickie even came to live with me for a few months during his senior year after Shane died and he couldn't stand the sight of Dad…_ "

Olivia swallowed hard. The younger woman was revealing a lot of information here… a lot of information that she didn't know about before now.

" _I had no idea…_ " She said, looking over at Maureen and making eye contact.

" _I know._ " The woman said, nodding her head. " _If you had, you would've stepped in…_ "

Olivia nodded lightly, giving Maureen a small smile.

" _Yeah, yeah I would have._ " She agreed. Olivia would have done just about anything for Elliot and his kids back then and it was still true. " _I would have done what I could to help out._ "

" _I would have hated you for it._ " The younger woman stated bluntly.

Olivia nodded in understanding and cast her eyes out back towards the ocean.

" _More than you hate me now?_ " She asked, cocking an eyebrow as she turned her head back to Maureen.

The blonde shook her head and turned away. She was every bit of Elliot and Kathy rolled into one. She had Kathy's hair and face, but she had Elliot's deep blue eyes.

Olivia returned her gaze to the ocean once more as she waited for the young woman to speak again, silently noting in her mind that Maureen hadn't denied her accusation.

Patience is something that she'd learned you needed to have, not only in dealing with victims, but with just about anyone in general.

" _I don't hate you… you've been through so much. I understand why you need him._ " Maureen finally spoke.

Olivia's eyes cut to the other woman's quickly, realizing she was receiving sympathy from Elliot's oldest daughter and it didn't sit well with her.

" _Don't do that._ " The brunette said strongly. " _Don't go easy on me because I was raped. Don't pity me, Maureen. Don't feel sorry for me._ " Olivia said. " _If you're going to hate me, then hate me. Don't back down because of something I went through. That doesn't affect this._ " She said, gesturing between the two of them and everything around them.

But Maureen's mouth hung open.

After a beat passed, Olivia seemed to realize she'd stunned the other woman not only with her words but with her confession as well.

Olivia's face softened.

" _I thought you knew. Kathleen knew… I thought everyone did by now…_ " She told the blonde.

" _N-no… I didn't want to assume… we talked about it, we knew you were attacked and kidnapped b-but…_ " Maureen shook her head lightly. " _I didn't realize Kathleen thought that's what happened, she's been quiet about it… I thought she was just upset you'd been hurt since she was the closest to you out of the five of us…_ "

It was in that moment that Olivia remember Eli existed. For so long it had been just the four kids and they'd stuck together like glue. Now, here Maureen was going on thirty-one and Eli was seven, soon to be eight. There was a twenty-three-year age gap between the two siblings, and Olivia had never put that together until now.

Maureen was saddened by the new information of Olivia's assault. She looked almost somber.

" _I don't want to be pitied._ " Olivia told her softly, looking back out at the ocean. The waves brought a calming feeling as they rolled in, getting higher with the tides. Maureen opened her mouth, but nothing came out, she was at a loss for words.

Olivia took a deep breath, reaching down and grabbing a broken shell from the sand beside her towel. She needed something to fidget with, something to keep her hands busy. She readjusted herself, deciding to sit cross-legged now as she played with the shell in her lap.

" _Your father tells me you're studying business… getting your MBA._ " Olivia said, trying to help Maureen out and change the subject but the girl shook her head, refusing to give up the previous conversation until it was finished.

" _I'm sorry for what happened to you… for what you've been through…_ " She said, her voice etched with care and concern, dismissing Olivia's attempt to change the subject.

" _Me too…_ " Olivia replied, focusing on the shell that was in one hand and absent-mindedly rubbing at her eyebrow with her other hand. " _It sucks to work Special Victims for years and years and then actually become the victim…_ "

" _I thought you were sleeping with him for the longest time…_ " The blonde confessed, slightly shaking her head, this time in disbelief. Olivia tilted her head to the side, she knew this conversation would come up at some point, especially since she and Elliot were a real thing now, but she'd hoped to have a little more time before it happened.

" _I would get so angry because he was so… so blunt about it. He'd get woken up in the middle of the night and tell my mom he was going to meet you at some crime scene… he'd spend late nights at work and just tell her he was with you and all I could think of was 'how could you do this to my family'?_ " Maureen said, looking intently at Olivia, who's eyes had begun to water. " _I… I hated seeing you at the family BBQs and school plays. I hated when you were at birthday parties. I felt like you were intruding on my family time with MY family and… I didn't want his mistress there…_ "

Olivia swallowed hard and pushed her hair behind her right ear, intently focusing on the shell in her hand and willing her tears not to fall, not yet. She blew out an uneven breath. Maureen's last sentence really hit her where it hurt.

" _Everyone could see the chemistry between you two… my mom, grandma… putting you two in a room together was like a fucking science experiment there was so much chemistry…_." Maureen continued, her own emotions getting the best of her now as tears spilled onto her face. Olivia sniffled as she ran her fingers along the jagged edge of the seashell.

Maureen took a minute to take a few deep breaths and calm herself down. Olivia was marveled at the other woman's growth, at her capability to be an adult and handle her emotions so well. If she inherited Elliot's temper, it wasn't showing.

" _We knew he'd go to you… after the divorce._ " She continued. " _Each time they separated, I waited for the announcement that you two were officially together…_ " Maureen said. " _And then… finally, today, he said it._ "

" _Kathleen's going to be the most understanding out of everyone… she likes you the best and I think she was hoping it'd happen._ " Maureen explained. " _Dickie is always going to be Dickie, he's always going to be a pain in the ass no matter what. He doesn't treat Mom's boyfriend any better so don't feel like he's singling you out… right now he's just pissed that Dad's getting rid of the condo…_ " She continued, and Olivia looked over at the younger woman, stilling her hands for a moment to really focus on what Maureen was saying.

Olivia wasn't aware that Elliot was getting rid of his apartment. She'd asked him to move in but he must have been real eager to do so if he'd already decided to sell his place.

" _Elizabeth will need some time. It'll seem like she's fine with it but don't try to get close to her right away. We haven't seen dad with another woman since Mom, although I'm sure there's been some. Liz'll need some time to adjust but she'll be okay with it._ " The blonde explained, and Olivia nodded.

" _I think Eli will be alright too. He'll probably be the easiest aside from Kathleen. He's already adjusted to Mom's boyfriend just fine and he knows you already. Just go slow with him and he'll get it._ " Maureen promised.

It was amazing how well the woman knew each of her siblings and could project how they'd act and feel. It said a lot about her character, about how she'd apparently had to take care of them in the past. It made Olivia sad.

" _And what about you?_ " Olivia asked softly, suddenly seeking approval and acceptance from Elliot's oldest child.

Maureen stayed quiet for a moment and used her hands to wipe her face free of any leftover stray tears.

" _It's important that he's there for Eli._ " She said, looking to Olivia. " _He missed a lot with the rest of us growing up because of his job… he needs to be at the games, he needs to be present during holidays… it's important._ " She stressed, but Olivia already knew this. She already pushed Elliot to be with Eli every chance he got.

Olivia didn't need to glance towards the house again to know that Elliot was back at the kitchen window watching them. If she looked, he'd see the concern and hurt on her face and he'd come out to see what was going on, to see if she was okay. He'd taken on the role of being her protector these past few months, more so than he had been when they were partners.

" _I never slept with your father…_ " Olivia said quietly, making eye contact with Maureen and holding her gaze. Usually, Olivia wouldn't care what others thought but it was important for her to correct the younger woman.

" _I… I believe you._ " She replied.

Instantly, the brunette was filled with a sense of relief.

" _I believe you didn't have an affair with him back then… I was just… looking for someone to blame for him being an… absent father._ " Maureen said. Olivia knew Elliot's relationship with his older kids was strained while they were growing up. " _I'm not going to lie, I had a shitty childhood. I hated it, Dickie hated his too. I think the other two are okay though._ " The blonde explained. " _Dad was absent, and it sucked…_ " She stressed. " _But I'm not going to complain too much because I know about your father being a rapist and your mom being an alcoholic and… and I can't imagine what it was like for you growing up._ "

Maureen stopped to take another breath as more tears flooded her face. Olivia had no idea how the younger woman found out about her childhood or biological family, but it was clear that she knew a great deal, more than Olivia would like for her to know.

" _Don't compare us._ " Olivia said lightly, shooting Maureen a worried look. " _It's okay to complain sometimes and to feel sorry for yourself…_ "

" _I shouldn't be complaining. There's always someone who's got it worse._ " The blonde recited the old saying that was created to shut people up from complaining about their lives.

Olivia quickly shook her head, dismissing it.

" _There's always people who are better off as well. That saying is wrong, it invalidates what people are going through or what they've gone through in the past… Elliot wasn't the greatest father. You know it, I know it, and he knows it. He's pretty set on making sure that Eli gets treated differently though._ " Olivia told her.

The brunette remembered several times when she'd have to force Elliot to leave the precinct and go home to his family. She also remembered several times that he'd slept in the cribs because he was avoiding Kathy or diaper duty.

Maureen swallowed hard and used the back of her hand to wipe her face while the other arm was still pulling her knees to her chest. She may have been thirty, but in that moment, she looked like a scared child.

Olivia reached over slowly, searching for any signs of rejection before finally placing a hand on Maureen's upper back.

" _You should talk to your parents and tell them how you feel._ " The brunette suggested as she gazed back out at the ocean while rubbing the girl's back gently. " _You have a lot of built up anger… reminds me of a certain partner I used to have…_ " Olivia said, looking back at Maureen with a small smile. The eldest Stabler child smiled back, knowing exactly who Olivia was referring to.

" _I can't talk to them… I'll be fine._ " Maureen replied, brushing off Olivia's suggestion. The older woman got the feeling that Maureen didn't quite trust her parents like she should, and it was understandable. Olivia's heart ached for all the kids and Elliot.

" _Write them a letter. Get it off your chest. It's just a suggestion but it will do wonders and really help…_ " Olivia shared as she drew back her arm and took a deep breath.

" _I'm not going to say much about me and your dad, and our relationship right now, because it is just that, it's ours…_ " Olivia started, and Maureen relaxed into a different position, stretching her legs out in front of her and crossing her ankles. " _But… as hard as it is for me to admit… I am a rape victim… but I'm close to being a survivor._ " She stressed, catching Maureen's eyes again. " _This is a new journey for me and everything is really hard…_ " Olivia confessed. " _I still have a long road of recovery ahead of me and as much as I hate to admit it, I need Elliot._ "

A chill ran up Olivia's spine as the sun was now almost gone and it was getting darker by the minute.

" _I need your father in my life… and if you're not okay with that…_ " Olivia said, looking at Maureen intently. " _I need you to let me know so we can work on whatever it is that needs to be worked on, so you feel comfortable with us being together…_ " She said. " _I won't come between you and Elliot, but I won't give him up that easily either…_ " Olivia stated, trying to compromise.

Maureen stayed quiet for a moment more, thinking things over as she looked out at the salty water.

" _I don't mind that he's with you. I just…_ " She stopped, looking to Olivia. " _He HAS to be there for Eli. We don't need him anymore…._ " Maureen said, gesturing towards the house where her other siblings were. " _We're all adults now, we don't need him, but Eli does…_ "

Olivia gave her a small, sad smile.

" _No matter how old you get, you never stop needing your mother and father…_ " Olivia said in a whisper, now thinking about her own parents.

There was no doubt in her mind that there was turmoil between Maureen and Elliot, and Olivia wasn't even sure Elliot knew it. It needed to be sorted out and talked about. Their relationship needed mending.

Maureen stayed quiet, so Olivia continued speaking, knowing it was getting close to time for them to make their way up the beach to the house.

" _Several years ago, when I was in my late thirties, I went looking for my father…_ " Olivia confessed, wondering if the younger woman had heard this part of her past too but by the look on Maureen's face, Olivia could tell she hadn't.

" _Why?_ " The blonde asked in slight confusion.

Olivia shrugged.

" _I wanted to meet my biological father, to know what he looked like and what his personality was like. I wanted to know if I looked like him or if I had other family members…_ " The brunette replied, glancing over at the other woman.

" _But he raped your mom._ " Maureen replied, still not understanding why someone would go searching for their rapist father.

Olivia nodded.

" _I know but… he was still my dad…_ " She said as her eyes welled up again.

The blonde chewed on her bottom lip.

" _Did you find him._ " She asked.

" _Yeah…_ " Olivia replied, cocking an eyebrow as her face relaxed a bit more. " _He was already dead by the time I found out who he was, and his wife had Alzheimer's disease, but she was able to give me some pictures that he'd kept of me from when I was in the newspaper for various things…_ "

" _Why did he keep those?_ " Maureen asked, getting more and more invested into Olivia's story.

The brunette shrugged again.

" _I don't know, but I'd like to think it's because he wanted to keep up with what his daughter was doing… there were some clippings from when I graduated the academy and from when I made detective too._ " She stated. " _Maybe I made him proud? Maybe he was proud to be my father? Maybe he wanted me but couldn't tell me because he raped my mother and was too afraid she'd turn him in and he'd go to jail if he tried contacting me?_ "

Olivia quickly realized that she was asking these questions more to herself than Maureen and decided to wrap the conversation up.

Maureen was still staring at her intently, hanging on her every word.

" _We once had a survivor who'd been sexually assaulted from the age of four until she was eleven. When we met her, she was twenty-five, already a survivor, and working as a victim advocate with a rape crisis center, using her story to raise awareness and help others. Her assailant was her step-father…_ " Olivia explained, and she could hear Maureen gulp beside her. Sometimes she forgot that civilians weren't as use to talking about sexual assault as she was.

" _That woman said something to me and it's always stuck. She said, 'It's okay to love the person but hate what they do'. Her step-father is doing life in prison and she'll tell you probably still to this day, that she loves him very much. Her biological father ran off when she was just a baby and her assailant was the only father she'd ever known…_ " Olivia said.

" _Do you love your father?_ " Maureen asked in a small voice.

Olivia looked directly at her.

" _I don't know… it's hard to love someone that you've never met, but I think I could have. We wouldn't have had a normal father-daughter relationship by any means and I definitely would've tried to have him prosecuted for my mother's rape if the statute of limitations wasn't up, but I deserved closure… closure that I'll never get… questions that'll never be answered._ "

Maureen was the first to break eye contact and look away, seemingly not knowing what to say to Olivia now. The brunette was still surprised that the oldest Stabler had opened up to her but then again, if she didn't think she could be open with her mother or father and all she did was focus on work and school, there's a good chance Maureen didn't have anyone to open up to.

" _Maureen…_ " Olivia called lightly, getting the blonde's attention. She waited until Maureen was looking at her again before she spoke. " _Your father's up there…_ " Olivia said, jerking her head towards the beach house. " _And I happen to know he loves you a lot, he's just shitty at showing it sometimes…_ " She said with a small smile. " _I think it'd be worth talking to him about some of the things on your mind… he's different since he's had therapy after Jenna… he'll listen and level with you._ " Olivia promised.

Maureen nodded, not giving any indication whether or not she'd take Olivia's advice, but Olivia took that as a sign that the conversation was over. So, she stood up and held out a hand to the younger woman, helping her up too.

They wiped their faces off and Olivia picked up the beach towel, shaking it out before they both headed back to the house.

 **Thoughts?**


	57. Chapter 57

Olivia had struggled with whether or not she wanted to sleep in the same room as Elliot. There were only three guest rooms, meaning Kathleen and Elizabeth were already sharing a bed, so there was no where for her to sleep aside from with Elliot or the couch and she knew he'd never let her take the couch.

Eventually, she'd decided that all the 'kids' were adults now and they'd be okay with her sharing a bed with their father. They were in a relationship now after all. Plus, it wasn't like they were going to be having loud sex or anything like that any time soon.

The brunette had gone to bed shortly after Dickie, Elizabeth, and Kathleen. Maureen had stayed up watching TV in the living room, and Elliot had opted to stay up as well, most likely sensing that something was wrong with his oldest child.

Olivia tossed and turned in the empty bed until she rolled over and grabbed her phone to check the time. She was mildly surprised to see that it was a few minutes after two in the morning.

She hoped Elliot hadn't opted to take the couch and let her sleep alone without telling her. So, she got up to investigate.

Shrugging on a house coat that was near the bathroom door, Olivia didn't even bother tying the rope around the waistband. Her v-cut shirt that she'd decided to sleep in was showing off a couple of her scars, but she didn't care. Olivia doubted any of the kids would be awake at this hour and to be honest, she was trying to force herself to get use to the marks. They'd already gotten an eyeful of them at the beach anyways.

As she made her way down the hall, past the kitchen, and into the living room. The glow from the TV was illuminating the room but the sound was muted. A small light was left on in the kitchen, it had been on every night since she'd been at the beach house in case one of them needed to get up in the middle of the night for water.

The living room was empty.

Olivia stood still for a moment, listening until she could make out voices coming from the front porch.

Walking closer to the window, she could make out the outline of Elliot and Maureen sitting on the porch facing away from the home.

" _I love her, and I need her but I need you too… I was broken for a long time but… I'm okay now, or at least I think I am…. I don't want to miss out on your life because you hate me. I want to fix this._ " She could barely hear Elliot's words as he spoke softly. " _If I had known you felt this way…_ " He trailed off.

Olivia thought it sounded like both Stablers were in tears and her eyes welled up at hearing his confession of love for her and his need for his daughter all in the same sentence.

" _You may technically be an adult, but you'll always be my kid…_ " Elliot continued, putting his arm around Maureen as the young woman laid her head against his shoulder.

Since their conversation from earlier, Olivia had realized that Maureen was forced to grow up too quickly… that the oldest Stabler most likely never experienced being a child like she should have, especially if both parents had full time jobs and she had three younger siblings to babysit.

The young woman had been robbed of a childhood that the girl had probably had to witness other children having. Resentment can be damaging to the heart and soul, and it can last for a very, very long time.

It doesn't matter that Maureen was in her thirties now, she probably had all kinds of feelings buried deep inside her that were taking a tole on her body and mind.

A small smile graced Olivia's face. She could tell a very much needed important conversation was taking place. Just as she was about to back away and retreat back to bed, she was caught off guard.

" _You shouldn't be eaves dropping…_ " Dickie's voice came from behind her, startling her. He was wearing a small grin, no doubt trying to make a joke but it'd failed miserably.

Olivia jumped and turned around quickly. She grabbed onto the dining room chair that was closest to her as her eyes slammed shut and her heart sped up.

It was a familiar feeling, a feeling of panic and terror. She'd instantly known she had been triggered.

Olivia tried to work on her breathing, a practiced exercise from her therapy sessions.

In through the nose.

Out through the mouth.

In through the nose.

Out through the mouth.

Think of solid objects, things there were there and real around you.

Focus on sounds and smells in the present.

She swallowed hard, knowing Dickie must now be solely focused on her and what was happening. She tried not to be embarrassed or ashamed about her current state.

" _I'm s-sorry… I didn't mean to…_ " He stammered his words, full of worry and concern.

Olivia opened her eyes slowly, but she still wasn't fully able to take in her surroundings.

" _Cologne bottle behind you…_ " She commanded, pointing in his direction, trying to get her message across that she needed him to hand her the bottle.

It took just a moment, but Dickie made the connection and moved quickly to do as she asked.

Once the bottle was in her hand, she sprayed the familiar smell around her neck, on her shirt, and around her vicinity. Then she closed her eyes again as she clutched the bottle and took a deep breath.

Olivia focused her mind. She focused on the grip she had on the chair and thought about how solid it was. She focused on the floor beneath her feet. She focused on the waves crashing in the distance. Olivia reminded herself who was in the room with her and who wasn't.

Slowly, Olivia opened her eyes again and straightened up, confident that the episode had passed and that she'd successfully gotten herself through it. She sat the bottle down on the table in front of the chair and made her way around Dickie to begin making tea. She'd need some if she wanted to fall back asleep.

" _I'm sorry._ " Dickie said in a small voice. She glanced at him and he almost looked scared, but Olivia dismissed his apology, just as she would anyone else's.

" _It's not your fault. I never know when it'll happen and it's hard to control…_ " She explained, not looking at him anymore.

She remembered Elliot telling her that even though Dickie had enlisted, he wasn't active duty and it made her wonder if he'd ever encountered someone with PTSD. The chances were high, especially since he was in the army. But the chances of him actually knowing it were slim.

" _I wasn't eaves dropping… or I didn't mean to…. I was just looking for Elliot…_ " Olivia explained as she took a tea bag out of the cabinet and began dipping it in the water she'd put on the stove. It was premature, the water wasn't boiling yet but she needed something to do with her hands that were now shaking.

" _Does… that happen a lot?_ " He asked from behind her, having walked around the counter and taken a seat on the stool.

" _They're getting less and less frequent… pretty soon they'll be a rare occurrence._ " Or at least she hoped so.

" _The cologne… it helps?_ " He asked, seeming interested in what helped her when these episodes happened. Maybe he was trying to prepare in case she had another one in his presence.

Olivia nodded as she turned around and rested her back side on the edge of the stove and continued to dip the tea bag.

" _The smell helps ground me and remind me that I'm here and… not somewhere else._ " She explained, giving Dickie a small smile. She couldn't deny that she liked educating people on PTSD and telling them how to help other who were in an episode or having a flashback.

" _Any cologne… or just his?_ " He asked, nodding his head towards the porch where they knew Elliot and Maureen were.

Olivia turned around, taking the tea off the stove and reaching in the cabinet for a mug. It wasn't super hot, but it was warm enough to drink and she'd settle for that.

" _I suppose any cologne would work, but his works best. I smelled it nearly every day for twelve years. It's familiar and comforting…_ " Olivia told him honestly as she put a spoon full of sugar in her tea and began to stir.

Silence engulfed them as she cleaned up the pot she'd just used to make tea. At home she had a coffee maker that she could just put a tea bag in, but here at the beach house, she had to make it the old-fashioned way by using a pot on the stove and boiling water.

When Olivia had tried to offer the younger man a cup, he shook his head.

" _I'm sorry about earlier._ " He said in a small voice. " _I was just joking around… I didn't mean anything by the comment…_ " Dickie explained. " _I don't care if you two are together or not… I was just being… stupid…_ "

" _I wasn't upset by your comment, Richard._ " Olivia said as she leaned against the counter, facing Dickie who was sitting on the opposite side. She held her tea with both hands as she watched him.

Olivia had made sure to call him 'Richard' on purpose. She knew how important it was to him even though for years she'd known him by a different name.

" _Dad was._ "

Olivia nodded.

" _Well, you of all people know how over protective he can be …_ " She replied, giving him a small smile.

Then, in a very Elliot-like manner, Dickie reached up and ran his hand through his short hair as he looked away. There was no mistake that this was Elliot's son.

" _I know I joke too much… I just have to be so serious when I'm on the base and so when I'm home for a break I kid around a lot and blow off steam, but I can take it too far sometimes…_ " He confessed, looking almost sheepish at having made a comment about Olivia's sex life with Elliot.

Olivia let out a small, nervous laugh and gazed down at her mug of tea as she ran her finger around the edge of the cup.

" _I wasn't thinking about what'd happened… with everything…_ " He said gently.

The brunette looked up and realized Dickie was eyeing the scars on her chest that were currently visible. She straightened up and opted not to tie her robe around her body.

" _I'm still getting use to them myself…_ " She commented lightly, trying to give him a warm smile and hoping to steer the conversation away from the topic of her sex life with his father.

Olivia wanted Elliot's kids to accept her. The older four may be adults now but their acceptance and approval of her still mattered. She couldn't see herself ever being with anyone that her children didn't like, if she had kids. For Elliot, she feared he might feel the same.

" _They look like they hurt…_ " He commented softly. Dickie seemed to be eyeing Olivia, seeing how personal he could get without crossing a line although his curiosity seemed to be getting the best of him.

" _I'm sure they did…_ " She replied with a small shrug as she took another sip of her tea. When the confusion hit him and showed upon his face, Olivia spoke again. " _I was unconscious and drunk for most of them…_ " She explained, foregoing to mention being high from meth.

Olivia was weighing in her mind how much she wanted to actually share with him. She would have never thought he'd be interested in her attack let alone ask questions, but it meant that he was interested in her and at the very least, concerned. Maybe he was wondering what his dad had been doing at her apartment for the past few weeks if not fucking her. Maybe it'd make it through Dickie's head that his father was actually helping her recover.

There weren't many details that she was willing to share with anyone really, but it couldn't hurt to share a few here and there with Elliot's children. Olivia knew he wouldn't mind her sharing anything with his kids as long as she was comfortable with it.

Dickie however, was starting to look uncomfortable. He began to open his mouth but like his sister earlier in the day, nothing came out.

" _It's okay._ " She told him gently, then finished off her tea. " _I'm okay… you don't have to say anything._ " She promised him. Dickie looked relieved but still worried a bit.

" _Aren't I supposed to like… give you support and be positive and shit or something?_ " He asked in a serious voice.

Olivia laughed out loud.

" _I'm being serious!_ " He said quickly, raising his eyebrows.

" _I know._ " Olivia said after snorting out another laugh. She took two steps to her right, putting her mug in the sink to be washed in the morning. Then she focused her attention back on Dickie. She found it funny that he was trying to give her crisis support.

He remained quiet, waiting for her to speak again. Olivia leaned back over the counter and looked at him, lacing her fingers together.

" _I'm touched that you're trying to help, and I appreciate it…._ " She said, giving him a small smile. " _But I really am fine. The crisis is over, PTSD is a bitch, but I'll figure it out… I had PTSD before I was kidnapped. I dealt with it then and I'll deal with it now._ " She explained.

Dickie took both his hands and ran them down his face together.

" _That… that's terrible…_ " He mumbled, commenting on her past PTSD, but Olivia shook her head.

" _It's not uncommon for officers to get it… it happens._ " She explained further, hoping to ease his mind even though her main previous PTSD problems were from Sealview.

" _Oh…_ " Dickie replied, looking relieved even though it wasn't a disorder to be relieved about. " _Dad's got it too?_ " He asked cautiously, as if trying to validate her claim that it wasn't a rare thing.

" _You know, our service men and women get it as well…._ " Olivia said, giving him a thin smile and dodging the question about Elliot. If Elliot wanted to talk to his son about his struggles, then he could. It wasn't her place to divulge personal information of his to others, especially his children.

" _I've heard…_ " He replied with awareness.

" _Elliot tells me you're not active duty…_ " She said. Olivia was starting to feel the way she did when he'd come to the precinct and she'd have to keep him busy, so she'd ask him about school and sports that he played.

" _Yet…_ " He said in a low voice.

" _Ah…_ " Olivia replied with understanding.

He was young and healthy, and probably trained very well. She figured the army had given him some stability and structure that Elliot couldn't. Of course they'd want to make him active duty and sometimes in the army, once you've signed up, you didn't get much of a choice.

" _What are you doing up so late anyways?_ " Olivia asked, sensing that he didn't want to discuss his current career furthermore.

He shrugged in a normal 'Dickie-like' way.

" _Can't sleep… I have a weird sleeping schedule… I'll likely be up early in the morning too. Maybe go for a run on the beach before we leave or something._ " He explained.

Olivia nearly rolled her eyes.

" _You take after your dad…_ " She replied, remembering how Elliot still woke up early despite him having been off the force for years now. She'd been on leave for a few days before she'd developed the sleeping habit of being able to sleep as late as her body needed without her internal alarm clock kicking in, expecting her to be waking early for work.

Dickie nodded as if he'd been compared to his dad a lot in the past. She couldn't tell if he was okay with the comparison or not, most kids weren't, but if Dickie was overly disgusted with it, he wasn't letting it show.

Getting up from his chair, Dickie announced that he was going to head to bed, in an attempt to get some sleep. She nodded in return, glancing at the stove clock and noting that it was after two-thirty in the morning now.

Dickie stopped as he was entering the hallway, calling out her name to get her attention.

" _I'm glad you're okay._ " He confessed, giving her a small, shy smile.

Olivia mumbled a 'thanks' and smiled in return, then watched him retreat down the hallway to one of the guest rooms.

Her heart warmed at how she'd connected with Dickie tonight. Olivia would have guessed that he'd be the hardest one to talk to, that they'd have the most problems from him not approving of their relationship, but it seemed that all older Stabler children were on board with what was happening or were trying to be anyways.

…

Olivia was on her way back to the bedroom. She'd decided to head back to bed only minutes after Dickie had made the same decision. Elliot and Maureen seemed to have a fair amount of talking left to do. If they wanted to continue to do so in the middle of the night, then that was fine with her.

Walking down the hallway, she noticed a small amount of light coming from the second guest room. Kathleen and Elizabeth were supposed to be in that room.

She continued to stop and stare as her detective senses went off. After a few seconds, a shadow crossed under the bottom of the door, alerting her that someone else was awake in the home.

Olivia was beginning to wonder if anyone in the household was asleep at this point.

Her worry for Kathleen and how she'd been so emotional the previous afternoon won out, and Olivia knocked on the door gently.

After hearing someone give her consent to enter the room, she did so. The brunette wasn't surprised to find Kathleen awake, but she was surprised to see her alone.

" _Liz went to sleep in Maur's room since she wasn't using it…_ " Kathleen explained after Olivia had glanced around the room, noticeably looking for the other female who was supposed to be occupying the room as well.

Olivia nodded her understanding and gave Kathleen a good once-over. The young woman looked tired and worn out. She'd supposedly taken a nap during the afternoon but by looking at her now, you wouldn't be able to tell.

The older woman let out a small sigh and made her way to the opposite side of the bed that Kathleen was sitting on, currently being thankful that the bed was a queen size.

" _How you doing?_ " Olivia asked softly as she fully laid down beside Kathleen on top of the covers and looking over at the younger woman.

" _I'm fine._ " The blonde answered, staring back at Olivia as if she wanted to inch closer but was hesitant to do so.

Olivia shook her head in disagreement.

" _You can come closer… I'm not going to break._ " The older woman commented. " _And you're not fine._ " She replied. " _My detective skills may be a bit rusty since I've been on leave, but you are not okay._ " Olivia told her lightly, giving Kathleen a slightly unimpressed look.

Kathleen let out a small huff but scooted until her head was barely touching Olivia's shoulder. She was hesitant because of all the research she'd done about sexual assault victims and victims with PTSD.

" _You've been 'not okay' ever since this afternoon._ " Olivia continued lightly as she turned her head to stare at the ceiling now that the other woman was laying beside her. They weren't usually like this. They'd kept in touch over the years but not so much once Elliot had left. Still, Olivia's relationship with Kathleen had been overly personal. If anything, Olivia had just been another female mentor in the young woman's life when she'd been going through a hard time.

" _I'm okay, I'm just processing._ " Kathleen told her in a small voice.

Olivia was quiet for a moment, trying to think of what to say. She was thankful for the small night light illuminating the room.

The brunette let out a small, unimpressed puff of air more so at herself than Kathleen. She was saddened and frustrated by Kathleen's feelings. For a brief moment, Olivia thought about what would have happened if she'd had a husband and children. She almost visibly shuttered at the thought because not only would they have been impacted for her assault from being co-victims, but also, they might be dead if they'd been home with her.

Realizing she shouldn't have gone there with her mind, Olivia quickly changed her thinking, deciding to focus on something else.

" _How's your job going?_ " The brunette asked gently, shifting so her right cheek was resting against the top of Kathleen's head.

" _It's good._ " The girl replied. Olivia could hear sleep in the young woman's voice.

" _I'm glad…. I'm very proud of you…_ "

Kathleen seemed to nuzzle more into Olivia's side in her state of tiredness. The older woman remained silent for a bit longer, waiting and wondering if Kathleen would drift off to sleep now that Olivia was in the room with her.

Honestly, Olivia had never felt more like a mother figure to someone than she did right now with Kathleen, aside from when she'd fostered Calvin for a few months.

" _I'm gonna stay right here for a while, so go on and go to sleep, Kathleen._ " The brunette said lightly, knowing that the girl was most likely fighting sleep because of her.

Kathleen didn't respond but after several minutes, Olivia could sense that she'd drifted off.

Laying in bed with Kathleen close to her side, Olivia wondered what exactly she'd done to deserve such amazing people in her life. Elliot, she knew now that she couldn't live without and while not all his children may be completely on board with their relationship just yet, it looked like they were all going to accept her into their family eventually.

Within twenty minutes of Kathleen falling asleep, Olivia realized it was probably getting close to three o'clock and she was ready to go back to bed as well. There was anxiety about falling asleep with someone in bed with her that wasn't Elliot, but the smell of his cologne was still pretty evident on her shirt and to be honest, she was really tired.

Eventually, Olivia decided to trust herself and trust that if something did happen, if she did have a flashback, Kathleen would understand, and she'd know what to do to an extent due to her research of the subject matter.

…

When Olivia woke up, she noticed through the window that it was just daylight outside. It couldn't have been later than 6 a.m. or so. She'd also noticed Elliot's form in a chair in the corner of the room near the closet. He was awake and staring at Olivia with a serene look on his face, taking in the closeness of his now girlfriend and his daughter.

She gave him a small smile as she remembered Kathleen was beside her and still in her slumber.

" _Did you get any sleep?_ " Olivia whispered as softly as she could, not wanting to disturb the younger woman.

Elliot shook his head, indicating that he'd been up most of the night. Olivia shot him a look of concern.

In truth, he might have been able to get some sleep when he'd finally retreated to the master bedroom after his conversation with his oldest daughter, but he'd discovered that Olivia was no longer occupying the bed. After a few minutes of searching for her, he'd decided to check in on all the kids before going to search for her on the beach.

Finally, Elliot had found the two women sound asleep in one of the guest rooms. The sight had warmed his heart so much that he'd snapped a brief picture of them on his phone before shutting the door and pulling up the rocking chair from out of the corner. He'd already known sleep wouldn't come easy for him tonight, so he didn't mind sitting up and watching two of the people he loved.

" _She okay?_ " Elliot asked lightly, jerking his head towards Kathleen in concern. He knew she'd had some stress the previous afternoon, but he hadn't had any alone time with Olivia to discuss it.

" _She'll be alright._ " Olivia promised him, giving him a warm smile. She'd always make sure his children were okay. " _Maureen okay?_ " She whispered, remembering some of the struggles the oldest child had verbalized to her the previous day.

Elliot shrugged, declining to answer and sneaking a glance at Kathleen. Olivia understood. He wasn't going to answer in front of his sleeping daughter. There was more that he needed to say and while he'd be willing to break Maureen's confidence to Olivia, he wasn't willing to do it in front of her sister. At least Olivia could keep a secret and would help him think straight and process things. If Kathleen heard too much of the conversation, she'd begin to worry about her sibling.

" _They're gonna stay all day today… have a beach day, then head out tonight._ " Elliot explained in a hushed whisper.

Maureen had been the one to decide when they were leaving since they'd all showed up in her vehicle and she was the one driving.

Olivia nodded in understanding, then slowly craned her neck down, turning her attention to Kathleen. She took in the smaller woman who currently looked so innocent and fragile despite being in her late twenties. Olivia shifted so she could get closer and then settled back into her pillow facing away from Elliot and welcoming sleep once again.

Her path to recovery and healing seemed to be going along just fine.


	58. Chapter 58

**I'm so sorry, I'll try to do better with updating. Just sooo busy.**

Elliot could feel weight on top of his body but he was still in a deep sleep. There were kisses being planted on his chest through his shirt, which he'd began to register.

" _Hmmm…_ " He hummed as he felt her nibble on his ear.

He knew it was Olivia because he could smell her. It wasn't even her own scent but the fact that his own cologne had engulfed his senses when she'd gently slid on top of him, snuggling into his chest.

" _Good morning._ " Elliot heard her purr.

" _Mornin' babe._ " He said in a raspy voice as he cracked one eye open. His right arm coming up from the couch to curl around her waist for fear that she might roll off and hit the floor. The couch was fairly large but he'd sprawled out once sleep had kicked in.

Elliot turned his head sideways to kiss her head as she snuggled deeper into his neck.

" _Maureen took our bed. I told her too, she needed rest._ " He explained his reason for taking the couch.

" _I know… she's still in there._ " Olivia replied.

" _And everyone else?_ "

" _The other three are at the beach._ " She said, rubbing the top of his shoulder with her hand that wasn't smooshed between them and the back of the couch. " _It's close to noon._ " Olivia added.

Elliot gave her a small nod. He figured as much from the amount of sunlight dipping into the living room.

" _C'mere…_ " He whispered, pulling her directly on top of him. Olivia had to use her arms to brace herself. " _I'll never get tired of holding you when I wake up…_ " Elliot told her as he leaned in, seeking a kiss which she, of course, granted.

She knew it started out because he sometimes woke up from a nightmare that she wasn't there anymore or that she was still in the clutches of Lewis but now it seemed to develop into a ritual that they shared each morning when they woke up beside each other. This morning was no exception, but they hadn't slept in the same bed and it made her wonder just how he'd feel when they'd have to spend nights apart in the future.

Olivia could feel his hardened member poking into her thigh and she knew it was initially his 'morning wood' even though it was technically the afternoon. In an effort to not torture him furthermore, she slid off his body and headed to the kitchen.

He took this as his cue to follow her.

" _They went and got food?_ " Elliot asked, looking at the to-go boxes on the kitchen counter. He knew the restaurant well and he knew they didn't deliver.

" _I went and got it._ " Olivia told him.

" _By yourself?_ " The words shot out of his mouth before he could even think about what he was saying.

" _I'm a grown woman, Elliot. I can do what I want and I certainly can go out on my own and do something as simple as get food._ " She replied with a bite to her voice, making her anger present.

He quickly held his hands up in surrender and began muttering apologies to her.

" _I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that, I just…. Sorry._ "

She rolled her eyes but he couldn't see since she'd turned her back to him and began fishing out a bottle of water.

There was a beach towel on the counter and he'd only now realized that she was in her once piece bathing suit and swim shorts.

" _I may be a victim, but you don't always have to treat me like one…._ " Olivia told him fiercely as she side-stepped around him.

" _Liv-_ " He tried to call after her but was cut off by the ringing sound of her phone.

She'd clearly planned on leaving it inside on the counter but walked over to pick it up, giving it a glance to see who was calling.

Whoever it was, she must have wanted to speak to them or was glad for the distraction from Elliot because she answered the call and stepped outside with her water and towel in tow.

Running a hand down his face, Elliot huffed. He'd been awake all of five minutes and already pissed her off. It was starting to feel eerily similar to how their partnership used to be, this wasn't how he wanted to start his day. On top of that, he felt like he could sleep for a whole year because he was still so exhausted.

….

Later when Elliot joined the gang on the beach, he found Olivia and Dickie wading in the water while Kathleen and Elizabeth were laying out on the beach. Maureen was awake by now, but she'd decided to spend the day in doors since she'd had a rough night.

" _What'd he do?_ " Dickie asked as he flipped the noodle around that he was clinging to, trying to get comfortable on the small, think flotation device but having to put up with the waves knocking him off balance every now and again.

" _What?_ " Olivia asked.

She'd been staring Elliot down as he stood on the beach a ways behind the girls laid out on their beach towels. Olivia was floating comfortably with a doughnut shaped tube around her waist, leaning forward and resting her chin on her hands until Elliot had walked outside, making her straighten up a bit.

" _You've got that face…_ " Dickie replied.

Now, she really did make a face.

" _What face?_ " She asked, twirling in the water slightly so she could look at the young man talking to her.

" _That face you get when you two are fighting… I've seen it several times…_ " He claimed. " _The Olivia Benson is Pissed Off face…._ "

She almost began to pout, contemplating her facial expressions now. Sure, the kids had stopped by the precinct several times over the years and well, to be honest almost none of the times had been good times but she and Elliot couldn't have possibly been in an argument every single time they'd stopped by or Kathy had brought them to see Elliot.

" _I don't make a face._ " She decided, stating her opinion boldly.

" _Whatever it is, he didn't mean it._ "

Olivia scoffed.

" _You don't even know what he did…_ " She said, inadvertently admitting she was in fact a bit mad at his father.

Dickie shrugged.

" _I don't need to. I know he cares about you, so he didn't do it on purpose, and he's a man… we mess up… a lot…_." He replied, causing Olivia to roll her eyes at him.

She looked back to Elliot, who'd gotten significantly closer to them. He was just at the water's edge and beginning to wade out to where they were floating. It took him a couple of minutes to get there and during this time, Olivia transferred her sunglasses from the top of her head to wearing them on her face.

Once Elliot made his way to where she was located, Dickie took no time in speaking on her behalf.

" _You fucked up._ " He said with a big grin, clearly enjoying his father's pain a little too much. Now, Elliot was the one rolling his eyes.

" _Why don't you go help Maureen pack the car, she's up there doing it by herself._ " He strongly suggested to Dickie, after stealing his floating noodle for himself.

The young man huffed but made his way towards the shore.

Things were quiet for the first couple of minutes. They both just floated side-by-side and listened to the waves crash and splash around them, letting the salty air fill their lungs.

It was peaceful. Elliot could see his daughters tanning on the shore. He knew the other two were packing the car. The only thing missing was Eli… and Kathy. Elliot figured he and Kathy were in a good enough place that she and Brad would be welcomed here at his mother's house to vacation with the family. They might have to stay elsewhere because there wouldn't be enough room but they shared kids and part of co-parenting was spending time with the kids together as a family system.

" _I didn't mean to fuck up._ " Elliot told her silently without looking at her. He'd turned around and was now staring out into the ocean. " _I didn't mean to make you feel like a victim or that you had to… have permission or supervision to go out and do things. I don't want you to feel like I don't think you're able to take care of yourself…_ "

Out of the corner of his eye Elliot saw her give a small shrug as she turned around to face the open ocean.

" _I couldn't take care of myself… I don't blame you for trying to watch over me._ " She replied in a near whisper, sounding defeated.

This wasn't the Olivia Benson he'd known, this was post-assault Olivia showing herself. A different version than the one who'd gotten mad at him and fired off sass.

Elliot shook his head quickly.

" _You can take care of yourself, Liv._ " He disagreed with her. " _I was just surprised that you'd gone out because you'd been so adamant on not going places lately… it was just a surprise is all._ "

" _I didn't mean to get all hot-headed on you so quickly…_ " Olivia replied, paddling in the water until she was right next to him and could grip his shoulder to keep her and the doughnut from drifting away.

" _Hey…_." He said gently, facing her. Elliot put one hand on her flotation device, letting the noodle Dickie was using float into shore with the tide. " _We talked about this, right? Moods are part of the PTSD and a side effect of the medicine._ " He reminded her gently. " _And to be honest, I don't mind it. I'd rather you be mad as hell than…_ "

" _Then curled up on the floor in a sobbing mess?_ " She finished for him.

" _I didn't say that._ " He disagreed.

" _I know what you meant though…._ "

" _It scares me when you're so down and sad instead of being so independent and kickass like you used to be._ " Elliot told her with honestly.

Olivia took off her sunglasses and put them back on top of her head so she could look at him more deeply.

" _I know you think the assault changed me, well both of them, and they did…_ " She said. " _But you gotta understand, El, I changed when you left. I was different from that moment. I shut down and… I was sad for a long time. I felt empty long before Lewis took everything I had…._ "

Her last sentence nearly killed him.

" _Christ, Liv…_ " Elliot let out a shaky breathy as he pushed on the doughnut slightly to put some distance between them. He felt like he'd just been punched in the gut and couldn't breathe.

" _When you left, I realized I thought I was so independent, but I was really just so dependent on you and then that safety blanket was gone… I became a different woman the year you left._ " She tried to explain.

" _Stop…_ " He whispered, looking down at the water. " _Not while my kids are here._ "

And he was right, this wasn't the time or place for this conversation. It'd kind of just come out of nowhere for both of them.

Olivia backed up and pulled the doughnut over her head, tossing it towards shore so it'd wash up.

She waded closer to Elliot, who'd gotten teary eyed at her words that had caught him off guard. Taking his arms and wrapping them around her waist, Olivia took both of her hands and held his face.

" _I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking._ " She told him and leaned in for a kiss as she finally felt his arms tighten around her.

" _Who was on the phone?_ " He asked to change the subject after clearing his throat. Elliot really was curious as to who was calling her. There were only a handful of people that she talked to these days and nearly all of them knew to text her about her calling them first.

" _Cragen…_ " She replied. He seemed to be the only one who couldn't really get the hang of texting aside from Munch.

Elliot raised his eyebrows in question.

" _He thinks I should consider taking the Lieutenant's exam…._ "

" _Really?_ " He said in surprise. She already was pretty set on not going back to work, he couldn't fathom she'd want to take a test for a job she wasn't going back to.

" _Yeah…_ " Olivia replied, glancing around. " _He made some good points._ "

" _Like?_ "

" _Better retirement and benefits, bigger payout._ " She explained.

" _What's the catch?_ " Elliot asked, trying to wrack his brain of what the bad side would be. He hadn't been on the force in years and had to admit he was a bit rusty.

" _I'd have to work a mandatory six months as a Lieutenant in order to get the benefits to kick in._ "

" _Ah…_ " Elliot said, as if he'd recognized the problem, which he had. " _What are you thinking?_ " He asked her.

Olivia shrugged in his arms.

" _I don't honestly know if I can go back to work, Elliot. I don't know if I can step back into that squad room._ " She replied, biting her bottom lip. " _What do you think?_ " She asked. Elliot knew money was important to her as was healthcare and the benefits.

" _I think Lieutenant Benson has a nice ring to it…_ " He said wearily.

" _But?_ " Olivia questioned, sensing his hesitancy.

" _But I haven't been able to step back into the squad room since the day I left. Cragen had to meet me at the bodega around the corner just to sign my retirement papers because I couldn't go back there after what had happened…_ " He confessed, squeezing her sides for comfort. " _It's gonna be hard and I just don't want you to… I want you to be okay, Olivia._ " Elliot told her honestly.

She huffed and pressed her face into his shoulder as she wrapped her arms around his torso.

All Olivia wanted was to be okay too.

 **I just went with what I could think of. Please Review.**


	59. Chapter 59

" _Now I like dollars, I like diamonds, I like stunting, I like shining. I like million-dollar deals. Where's my pen? Bitch I'm signin'… hm, hmm, hm, hmmm…_ "

Olivia sang silently to the song playing from the radio in the kitchen window as she swung her hips in rhythm with her shoulders and continued to put strawberry jelly on her toast, spreading it around with the butter knife in her hand.

She had her hair half up, half down while wearing her bikini top with her swim shorts.

Luckily, she'd mostly kept her Spanish up-to-date with speaking it periodically and watching telenovelas every now and then, so when the Spanish part of the song came up, she could sing along to that as well, while knowing what she was saying.

Elliot watched from where he was perched at the edge of the counter space farthest from her. Upon entering the kitchen and hearing her sing, he'd stopped to observe, but he wasn't fooling her.

" _Want some toast?_ " Olivia asked without turning around.

A smile graced his face. Once a detective, always a detective.

" _Nah…_ " Elliot replied, waiting a beat before moving forward. " _Don't stop singing on my account…_ " He said as he walked closer to her, holding her from behind as he wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her shoulder.

His kids had been gone for a couple hours now. The sun would be setting soon and they both wanted to enjoy the sunset on the beach. They'd have dinner later, but right now, she wanted a snack.

Olivia had been trying to eat more and more. She'd lost almost thirty pounds after she was first kidnapped and had only managed to gain some of that weight back during her recover when she was taken again. After the second attack, she'd slipped into the same habit of not eating except for when Elliot would beg and plead until she ate something.

While she used to could stand to lose some pounds, she hadn't done it in a healthy way and her body let her know it. She'd been fatigued more often, but some of that was also from the psychological and physical trauma she'd endured.

" _Oh, he's so handsome, what's his name? I said I like it like that… Ohhhh I need the dollars. I said I like it like that. Beat it up like piñatas. I said I like it like…_ " She continued in her soft singing voice, slowly swinging her hips against him. Her Spanish accent was heavy when she sang "piñatas"

Elliot nearly growled as he kissed her neck.

Olivia took the last bite of her toast and pushed the jelly and bread to the other side of the counter as she wiped the counter with her napkin and reached over to put her knife in the sink, all while his arms were still locked around her waist.

He loosened his grip on her hips as she leaned towards the sink to place her glass in there after drinking her last bit of water.

Olivia leaned back into him, resting the back of her head in the crook of his shoulder, closing her eyes and relaxing into his embrace.

" _Yo no soy high, soy como el Testarossa 'rossa. Soy el que se la vive y también el que la goza. Es la cosa, mami es la cosa. El que mira sufre y el que toca goza…_ "

Olivia felt his chest expand as he took a deep breath and she smiled to herself, knowing he was having a hard time controlling himself around her. He didn't even know what she was saying Olivia speaking Spanish was enough to turn him on, especially when she was singing it.

" _Jesus…_ " Elliot muttered under his breath as he gripped her hips to still her movements. " _You gotta stop…_ " He whispered in reference to her moving her hips against his groin.

She could just feel him hardening under his swim trunks and it probably didn't help that he was already shirtless and she was just in her bikini top and swim shorts.

" _Why?_ " She questioned with fake innocence as she turned around to face him. Olivia grabbed onto the edge of the counter and used her upper body strength to pull herself up to sit on the counter top. " _The kids are gone…_ "

Elliot swallowed hard and let out a harsh breath as he watched her eyes.

" _I said I like it like that…_ " She sang lowly as the song came to the slower part before it picked back up again with the beat.

Olivia leaned forward and captured his lips with hers. She pulled him forward until he was standing between her legs and put his hands on her hips, kissing her back.

Elliot had to remind himself not to ask her if she was sure or certain that she wanted this. She'd demanded to be treated like someone who wasn't a victim and he was going to do his best to respect that, knowing she trusted him and would stop him if she was uncomfortable.

" _Did you always have this reaction when I spoke Spanish?_ " Olivia asked in a teasing tone as she watched him, admiring the shirtless man in front of her.

He shook his head with a small grin.

" _Watching you mirandize in Spanish was always torture…._ " Elliot confessed before he leaned forward, giving her an open mouth kiss. This time he wrapped his arms around her torso, so they were pressed together.

He took the moan that escaped her mouth as a good sign to continue. Slowly as to give her time to stop him, he massaged up her shoulder and to the base of her neck where her bikini was tied. Gently, he pulled at one of the strings until it came undone, being careful not to pull her hair.

Usually, he'd want to kiss every scar she had on her chest but he was too worried about triggering her to do that right now. So, he did what she'd asked him to do a seldom few times, he pretended like the scars weren't there.

Olivia continued to hum to the song as he pulled at the tied knot in the middle of her back, completely freeing her of the bikini top. She bit her bottom lip as he threw it to the other side of the counter space and took both breasts in his hand, gently massaging them and running his thumbs over her nipples.

" _Mmmhmmm….. I like it like that…_ " She whispered in synch with the song but also commenting on what he was doing as her eyes closed and her back arched.

Elliot licked his lips. He was trying to go as slow as possible for her sake but lord, it was hard.

He rubbed his palms in circles over her hardened nipples as she arched her chest into his hands, letting her head fall back against the cabinet door.

When she couldn't take it anymore, she wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned forward to lock him into a heated kiss. There was no denying she was turned on and Olivia was trying her best to focus on the here and now. It's was a therapy technique that she'd learned and been using periodically. It helped her stay present and in tune with her surroundings, lessening her chances of having a flashback or panic attack.

" _God, you're gorgeous…_ " Elliot whispered to her as he bent down slightly to take her left nipple in his mouth, softly swirling his tongue around it, making sure to be careful and gentle.

" _El…_ " Olivia moaned. Her voice practically went straight to his groin.

He had no idea how far she wanted to take this and if he asked now, it'd just kill the mood so he had to trust her. He had to remember that in all the times before when they'd tried to be intimate, she'd promised to let him know when it was time to stop and so far, she had each time.

Rubbing his hands up and down her naked back, Elliot pressed his face into her chest more, trying to please her as much as possible. He just wanted her to enjoy his touch but deep down he was always worried that something would go wrong.

Olivia nearly clawed at the back of his head as she rocked into him.

" _Take me to the bedroom._ " She said quickly as she locked her ankles together just above his ass.

" _Yes ma'am._ " Elliot complied immediately.

He grabbed her body and pushed her against him so he wouldn't drop her, then picked her up from the counter top and slowly began navigating his way down the hall to the master bedroom. It was a difficult journey when he was hard as a rock and her lips were latched onto his neck.

When he bent down to place her on the bed, she pulled him down on top of her.

Elliot would be lying if he said he wasn't relieved that she was taking control and guiding his motions. He'd done a lot of things in his life and he had a lot of experience with victims and survivors of sexual trauma, but he'd never had to do this part.

He'd never had to go through the healing process with victim/survivor and help them rediscover themselves in nearly every aspect of their lives, including in the bedroom.

So, when Olivia grabbed his neck and pulled him down on top of her, he was relieved.

She gasped as he leaned to the side, using one hand to massage her left breast while his tongue focused on hers, invading her mouth deliciously.

Olivia parted her legs so he could settle his hips between them. Whether this was a natural or conscious decision, he didn't know.

The beach waves were crashing in the background as the sound flowed through the just barely cracked bedroom window that neither one noticed was actually cracked. It was something Maureen had done before she'd gone to sleep. The radio from the kitchen could be heard in the distance but of course there was a different song playing now, not that either one was really paying attention.

Elliot slowly rocked his hips into hers. It felt good even though they both were still clothed in the lower regions of their bodies. He let his hand leave her breast and rub up and down her side, as if he was scared to go further.

Finally, his hand slid down further, massaging her hip through her shorts.

Olivia seemed hesitant.

" _Grab the covers…_ " She told him, hoping that if they got under the covers and covered themselves up, that she'd feel more secure and confident.

Elliot stopped what he was doing to lean back and gather the plush comforter, pulling it over his shoulders and covering both of them, then went back to his previous position.

" _This okay?_ " He asked, looking at her.

" _Yeah…_ " She said, giving him a small smile and pulling him back down closer to her, kissing him.

Elliot began to rock into her body again. He was incredibly turned on but knew he had to be cautious.

" _Can I take your shorts off?_ " He asked, feeling a bit childish but knowing that verbal consent from her was very important to both of them during these moments of intimacy.

Olivia nodded and whispered " _Yes._ " Then quickly followed with " _Leave the bikini bottoms on._ "

He obeyed, sliding the swim shorts down her legs as quickly as possible because he didn't want to make it awkward or focus on that too much, knowing this was all touch and go for her.

Their make out session was intense and Olivia's hands rubbing up and down his back was encouraging. The dry humping was hot, this was probably the most they'd done aside from her getting him off in the ocean previously.

Elliot wanted her, he needed her. It was nearly painful how badly his body wanted to be inside hers.

After a few minutes of intense kissing, rubbing, and humping, it was over.

Upon feeling her hands grasp his shoulders rather tightly, Elliot pulled back to see that her eyes were slammed shut and her breathing was labored. None of the above would seem out of the ordinary for someone who was feeling sexual gratification but Elliot knew her better. The way she'd tensed up had set off red flags for him.

Olivia seemed to be working on calming herself down. She was focusing on breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth.

" _I'm okay._ " She said as she swallowed hard and kept her eyes closed. " _Don't move._ " She commanded lightly.

Elliot was propped up on his elbows above her and did as he was told.

" _I'm not having a flashback._ " Olivia told him gently as she continued to try and center herself while still not opening her eyes.

" _Okay._ " He replied gently.

" _I'm fine._ " She said a little too quickly, but he already knew she was anything but fine.

Olivia gently pushed at his right shoulder until he got the message that she wanted him to move from on top of her, to beside her on the right side of the bed. He complied immediately, sliding to her right, only to find her retracting herself further from him and his touch.

" _I'm okay._ " She promised once more.

Elliot's eyes softened as he watched her back up to almost the edge of the bed and turn on her right side, facing him but bunching the covers at her chest, holding them to herself.

" _I know._ " He told her as he watched her cautiously, giving her a small smile, hoping it didn't look like he was being sympathetic. He knew she hated that.

" _I just… I can't be touched anymore right now._ " Olivia whispered lowly. Her body had shut itself down and she was embarrassed and shameful even though she knew this was common for survivors.

" _I understand._ " Elliot promised her.

He didn't need to convince her that it was true, she knew it was. It's one of the reasons she felt at ease around him. She trusted him and knew him inside and out.

" _I'm sorry…_ " She whispered, trying not to let herself get emotional.

Elliot shook his head quickly.

" _Don't… you don't apologize for this, you know that. It happens. We'll work through it…_." He said. " _Everything is going to be fine._ " He promised her.

She swallowed hard.

" _I'd… I'd help you finish if I could._ " Olivia told him in a sad voice. She hated her body some days, and this was one of those days. It worked against her just as it had when she'd been with Lewis. She felt betrayed.

" _Any man who thinks you have to finish him just because he got aroused when you were together is an asshole_." Elliot told her strongly. " _Even if you could, I wouldn't let you…. You know that, Liv._ "

" _It was good though, right? Up until the end it was okay?_ " Olivia asked hesitantly.

" _Don't start second guessing yourself. You started out really confident in the kitchen. It was so good, it was amazing…._ " He told her. " _You made progress. We both did._ "

Olivia nodded and shut her eyes as she pressed her lips together tightly. She leaned her head down into her pillow, willing the sob to not escape her mouth.

Elliot was torn. He wanted to reach out and touch her, grab her and hold her but he couldn't.

" _Tell me what to do… please._ " He nearly begged. " _Do you want to put clothes on? Do you need me to leave? Whatever it is, I'll do it, Liv._ "

" _Um… yeah…_ " She said as she sniffed. " _Yeah, clothes would be good. Maybe just an oversized shirt? Yours. With cologne?_ " Olivia asked in a small voice as she lifted her head out of her pillow and gazed around the room, trying to locate an article of clothing that would fit her description.

Elliot got up quickly and grabbed one of his bigger t-shirts from his bag, spritzed it with his cologne from the dresser and then walked over, laying it beside her on the bed. Then he turned around, giving her privacy to put it on.

" _Thanks…_ " She whispered as she quickly put it on and got back under the covers.

He turned around and looked at her, awaited her command. He didn't know if he should leave or stay. Maybe he should just go out and get dinner for them to give her some alone time.

" _Get back in bed._ " She told him gently, nodding to the side that he'd been occupying.

Elliot nodded and hesitantly got in the bed, under the covers. He made sure to distance himself from her and absolutely not touch her at all. She was already becoming tired, probably from being exhausted emotionally and mentally since her body had stressed out and shut down on her.

They would miss the sunset, but that was okay.

" _I'll be here if you need me._ " Elliot promised her.

She gave him a smile and settled into the bed more, getting comfortable. She knew sleep would come soon. Olivia always felt drained after a flashback or panic attack. Even though neither had happened, it was still intense.

She drifted off without realizing it. And soon, Elliot did too. He was worried about her but comforted by the fact that she was in bed safe and sound.

When he woke up an hour later, Olivia was cuddled into his side with her arm over his waist and her head ducked under his chin.

 **Note: If the Spanish is incorrect, blame google.**


End file.
